Chapter 15
Rachel could not sleep. Her mind reeled. Had she been too harsh in her e-mail to Quinn? Should she just have waited? No. She had to say this and it was the right time. She only hoped that Quinn would take her up on her request and actually give her an honest answer.
Rachel sat on the windowsill and looked across the street. The glass of the window felt cool against the skin of her face. There was not much traffic but concentrating on the passing cars would at least keep her mind from analyzing more.
Suddenly a flashing light in the reflection of the window caught her attention. She turned around and saw the signal above the entrance flicker. Who would want something from her and at that hour? It was past midnight. Probably just a prank. But the light did not stop. She activated the small camera her dads had installed so she could see who was outside.
"Quinn?" She exclaimed with an incredulous look on her face as she saw who was standing in front of the door she just opened.
"What on earth are you doing here?" Despite her astonishment Rachel still managed to step back and open the door wider as an invitation for Quinn to enter.
Quinn hesitantly stepped inside, her eyes never leaving Rachel's face. The smaller woman gave a little shove at the door and it fell close. She felt her breath coming out in short gasps. God, this blond, gorgeous woman in front of her made her completely forget her surroundings. Everything disappeared except for that caring face in front of her. With those beautiful hazel eyes, that beautiful smile, bestowing all attention on her, Rachel.
She noticed a small trace of perfume wafting over from Quinn, her senses overflowing with electricity. Quinn seemed to feel the same as Rachel noted her chest rise and fall quicker with every breath. She needed to break the spell, before something happened.
Instead, she found herself taking a small step towards Quinn and before she could react, the blonde woman had her arms around Rachel's waist, gently pulling her closer. Rachel lifted her head and let a small moan escape her lips. Before she knew it, she stood slightly on her toes, pressing her lips on Quinn's.
She felt Quinn lean into her, deepening their kiss. After an endless moment, Rachel leaned back and broke their connection. She felt flushed and saw color rise to Quinn's cheeks as well.
"Sorry, I don't know what just came over me." Rachel blushed even more. She looked away and took a step back. She had no idea what Quinn wanted to tell her and she made such a fool of herself just kissing her like that. What made her always do the exact opposite of what her reason told her to do when she was near Quinn?
Quinn had to get her bearings before she could react. She gulped down some breaths of air, before her brain seemed to function again. Then she noticed Rachel standing in front of her, her head hanging low. Immediately Quinn tapped Rachel's arm to get her attention.
Please, don't feel sorry. That was one of the best welcomes I have ever had. Unless… you greet all your guests like that? She signed with a good-natured, teasing smile.
Rachel just shook her head and half-whispered with a crooked smile: "No." Then she looked up. "Sorry, you haven't even taken your coat off. Let me get that." She stepped behind Quinn, glad that she found an excuse to busy her hands. Rachel helped the former head cheerio shrug off the garment and hung it in the beautiful old honey colored armoire that stood next to the entrance.
"Would you like something to drink?" Playing the polite hostess, Rachel asked, too nervous to look at Quinn directly.
Water, please. Brown eyes rested on Quinn's elegant hands.
Quinn trailed the smaller woman into the kitchen area and looked around. The apartment was small, but cozy. It also had an open kitchen, just like hers. It had dark hardwood floors that were highlighted with some colorful rugs. However, Quinn did not see any of the typical Broadway show or musical posters that used to adorn Rachel's old apartment. As comfortable and tasteful as it was decorated, the apartment was bare of any reference to music. Instead, she noticed a large bookshelf, almost overflowing with crime stories and books from stand-up comedians. A very large collection of DVDs sat next to it.
Coming full circle her eyes wandered back to the woman opposite her, who had watched her intently with her incredibly beautiful mahogany brown eyes. Quinn tried to soak up every detail of the apartment she could get; using the information to help her depict more about Rachel.
Rachel pushed the full glass of water across the counter towards Quinn, staying behind it. Quinn was aware that the counter served as a barrier and in that moment, it was ok. She needed to have a clear mind for the things she had to say. And that was not possible if she was too close to Rachel. She would not be able to control herself. Not her hands, not her lips, not her thoughts.
"Quinn, what brings you here? It's past midnight." Rachel had spread her arms slightly, holding on to the rim of the countertop for support. Quinn stared at her for a moment thinking how lovely she looked in that simple checkered red blouse and jeans, similar to the one she had worn when they had performed SING, by My Chemical Romance with the Glee Club all those years ago. Her long and shiny hair cascaded loosely down her back.
Your e-mail. Quinn finally managed to answer with her hands.
Rachel just nodded, a strand of brown hair slipping past her shoulder, falling across her chest. Quinn had to resist the urge to reach out and brush it back. Instead Rachel mirrored her thoughts and reach out to tuck the offending strand back in its place herself. Quinn was captured by this small gesture beyond rational sense. What the hell was going on? What had turned her into this cheesy movie character that seemed to watch everything in slow motion, captivated by the smallest gesture of the one person standing in front of her? Being so caught up and so fucking in love with this woman that everything else faded away when she was near her?
Rachel's voice broke through her musings. A touch at the blonde's arm made her jump.
"Quinn, are you ok?" Rachel had moved around the worktop and stood next to Quinn with a worried look on her face, fingers still resting lightly on her arm. Involuntarily Quinn took two steps back to get some distance between herself and the woman who had mesmerized her completely. Who had absolute control over her now.
Her action caused a hurt look to appear on Rachel's face.
"Sorry, I… I did not want to… scare you or make you uncomfortable." Rachel felt fear rise inside her. That small retreat from Quinn had sent a spear through her heart.
Quinn was literally backing off, turning away from her. Something she had feared all along.
Somehow, this action weighted more than the kiss they had shared just moments before. It made Rachel disregard all the feelings that had swept through her while kissing Quinn, all the feelings she thought she received from the other woman through that kiss.
Rachel closed her eyes, feeling a tear slip down her cheek. That was exactly what she had been dreading. God, why had she kissed Quinn? Why did she not just keep a hold on her dignity instead of melting away at the first look into those hauntingly familiar eyes? This had to end. Somehow, she needed to get back to that place where she had everything under control, her feelings locked away again. She would be in constant fear of Quinn leaving her, even if she did not want anything more than to follow her own heart. However, that was exactly what caused her all that trouble she was in now.
"Please, say what you have to say and then get out, Quinn. I … don't think I can do this."
Quinn's heart pounded loudly in her chest. What had just happened? What did she do that made Rachel react like that? Quinn was confused. God, how she wished that she could just talk to Rachel, to make her hear that she really meant what she had to say. She wanted Rachel to hear her say her name and to hear all the love she could lay into that name alone. The injustice of it all came crashing back at her.
Rachel still had her eyes closed and Quinn feared not being able to sign everything correctly. But she did not want to revert to writing everything down. Gingerly she took a step closer and very lightly brushed her hand against Rachel's left arm, trying not to startle her.
Rachel, she signed, desperately trying to look into the brown eyes that found her own, and not at her hands struggling to form the correct signs.
You asked for my complete honesty.
Rachel nodded barely noticeable.
I understand where you are coming from. I understand your doubts, fears, and uncertainties. How fast everything is happening between us. And that you must still doubt my sincerity and me for all that I have done.
She waited a moment for Rachel to comprehend and when she nodded again, Quinn continued.
You asked me to back out if I could not go through with this, with us. Let me ask you one question before I go on.
Do you want me to back out? Do you want me to leave?I know I said I would never leave you again. But I respect you and your wishes.
I respect you, Rachel. Even if it would tear me apart, if you tell me to leave, I will.
Do you want me to?
With the last question, she reached out and touched Rachel's forearm to emphasize her words. With earnest eyes, she gazed at Rachel, praying that she would say 'no'.
Rachel looked up. She was set on making Quinn leave to save herself but then she drowned in the green pools that looked at her so lovingly. So full of love and fear. Fear of what she might say. Somehow, her body could not react. Rachel could not say the simple word 'yes'. It was as if her mind had forgotten how to send the right signal to her vocal chords. She felt her heart beat in her chest, a reminder of her inner conversation from that morning and the question what do you have to lose? Her heart did not want Quinn to leave. Never.
So she let her heart speak and managed to shake her head slowly. But her mind needed to understand her actions.
Why did you just back away from me when I touched you, Quinn?
Rachel's hands flew through the air so fast that Quinn had a hard time understanding. A hurtful look accompanied the graceful hands forming the words.
Oh, how Quinn wished she could just hold Rachel and explain it to her. Instead, she had to keep a certain distance so she could see her hands. Slowly Quinn formed the answer.
Rachel, I had to step away because having you so close makes me lose every bit of self-control I have. I feel so drawn to you and every time I see you, this feeling gets stronger. I did not step back because I wanted to leave you. I just needed to clear my head a little.
The brown eyes looked at her sincerely, so Quinn continued.
Rachel, I do not want to abandon you. I have loved you for so long and finally I can admit that to myself and also to you. Nothing is as important to me as you are, Rachel. I know I keep saying this, but I also mean it. Every word.
You have my heart, Rachel.
Quinn's hands were shaking a little with the last admission. But it seemed to have lifted the shadow a little that had been cast over Rachel's face.
Rachel stepped closer. She lovingly stroked her fingers across Quinn's cheek, resisting the urge to kiss her again, but instead searched in her eyes what lay behind the words. And Quinn, lingering in the soft touch, fought the urge to close her eyes. She did not want to shut Rachel out from this one important source of communication.
Rachel was grateful to be able to explore the meaning behind Quinn's words through her hazel orbs. After a long moment, seeing the love sparking in Quinn's eyes, reaching her deep inside with her gaze where mere words would not suffice, Rachel believed her. She let her heart win over her mind. One step at a time, right? Quinn had taken the last one.
Her turn to take the next.
"I…I would like to show you something." Rachel took a deep breath, collecting all her courage before saying the next words.
"You sent me these lyrics to a song some days ago. And I told you that I was not angry in the end. It was hard for me to be confronted with it, but I also told you that I was pretty good at torturing myself with the songs I still have in my head."
Quinn nodded solemnly.
"I do not know if the pain will ever get less or if the memories of music will fade one day or if I will ever be able to still the sounds in my mind. But for now, I've decided I should see it as a precious gift for as long as I can still remember. I should not push it away or try to drown it out. So I let the songs come to my mind. At least this way… I still have something that meant so much to me with me." Rachel took another deep breath.
"Then I remembered something. A song. And even if I would prefer to express this on my own, well, regarding the circumstance I need someone else to do it for me."
She quickly turned around and went to her laptop. Quinn heard her clicking a couple of times and then Rachel turned around again, with her hands holding on to the back of the chair behind her for support, anxiously watching Quinn's reaction.
Quinn did not dare to move as Christina Perri's voice filled the silence between them.
I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home
How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I …need you ... if I'm alone
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved
'Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
You put your arms around me and I'm home
Rachel felt her heart beating up to her throat. What would Quinn think? How would she react? Her eyes never left Quinn's features. Halfway through the song Quinn pressed a hand on her mouth obviously trying to stifle a sob. She closed her eyes and some more tears spilled over her cheeks, glistening in the light.
When the song ended, she rushed towards Rachel, pressed her against her own taller frame in an embrace as if she was clinging to a life raft. Rachel felt Quinn say something, the sounds vibrating in her chest.
"Quinn, whatever you are saying, translate once we are done hugging, ok?" Rachel managed with a muffled voice and a little smile. "Just don't let go, for now." And she felt Quinn tighten her embrace even more.
After the longest time they gradually loosened their arms around each other, pulling back slightly, staring at each other, and roaming each other's faces with their eyes, soaking up every inch, committing it to memory. Then slowly Rachel closed her eyes and felt Quinn's breath tickle her skin just a second before she felt her lips again against hers. She felt Quinn's tongue against her mouth and slowly met it with hers, tenderly sharing a deep and passionate kiss.
A little breathless, they smiled at each other. Then they settled on the couch, very close, trying to touch as much of the other woman as possible.
Quinn lifted her hands.
Do you think men also become so mushy about their feelings and cry so much? I feel like I have been crying more in the past days than I have in my whole life.
She gave Rachel an apologetic smile.
"Hm." Rachel thought for a moment, remembering how Kurt had cried during her recount of the scene with Quinn at the Center. "Yes. I think some gay guys definitely! What made you cry so much?" Rachel wanted to know.
Realizing how much you meant for me, Rachel, how much I need you in my life. And every time when something rings very true, when something touches my heart, it makes me cry. A sign that what I am feeling is genuine, that it comes from the purest and most honest place.
"Yes. I know about the heart. It gave me an honest talk today as well." Rachel's lips curved up in a smile. "What were you saying when we were hugging just now?" She curiously looked at Quinn.
I said that I love you. Well, actually I said 'God you don't know how much I love you'.
The blonde answered with her hands, her face radiating all the love she could transmit.
Rachel pointed at herself, then crossed her arms in front of her chest, then pointed back at Quinn. Following that gesture, she made a fist, but with thumb and pinky extended and moved her right hand quickly from right to left.
I love you, too.
Then she added after a moment of thoughtfulness:
But I do not know how all of this will work out. You are a singer on Broadway, for god's sake. How can you deal with having a deaf girlfriend? Deaf as in not being able to hear you sing or admire your performance. And girlfriend as in woman loving woman, as in same sex relationship. Have you ever thought about that? I have to admit that it rocked me a little off my feet when I realized that. Being in love with a woman, I mean, she clarified.
Rachel had to repeat several signs before Quinn understood what she wanted to express. Quinn pulled out a pad from her handbag, all that she had to say was a bit too complicated for her small base knowledge of ASL to explain herself appropriately.
Rachel watched Quinn lift the pen with a quizzical expression, wanting to know if it was ok for her. Quinn's consideration made it easy for Rachel to nod and she watched her take a deep breath before sharing her thoughts.
Rachel, let us cross one bridge at a time. As for your last point, yes, I was stymied once I realized that I was in love with a woman. It was new for me and I had to come to terms with it. I never wanted to admit to that in high school, obviously. But when a friend at Yale pointed out that I was completely and head over heels in love with you, some big wheels started turning in my head. I had to get to know myself anew. Not as the classy pretty girl that one day would have a good looking husband and adorable kids. But rather a woman who fell in love with another woman. And whose love would not always be as easily accepted and looked upon, no matter how honest and strong it would be.
There will always be people who will want to shape us after their own image, because they have a certain picture in their minds how the world should work. And there might not be room for us loving each other, not in their world.
However, since I learned in high school how futile it was chasing after the perfect image if your heart was not in it, I just thought, why not stay true to myself and come to terms with this. It took me another couple of years and your accident to finally come fully to my senses, though.
Quinn looked up from her writing and was again fascinated by the long, dark lashes that rimmed Rachel's beautiful, large eyes. It was hard tearing herself away from them and continued writing.
But love is love and only society's conventions make it a good or bad thing. I do not want to live by what other people tell me to do, what they think is appropriate or fitting. Not anymore.
She signed the last sentence for emphasis. Fuck what other's think!
"Quinn Fabray, where did you learn a sign like that!?" Rachel huffed in mock affront.
Carmen has a large repertoire of swear words, Quinn admitted with a sheepish grin.
"Well, I am not sure I need to learn them!"
How did you know it, then?
"Uh, Carmen forced them on me. I honestly did not ask for them! Apparently she deemed it necessary to have them in my ASL vocabulary."
Quinn laughed at that and Rachel just rolled her eyes. After a short pause she came back to the topic they were discussing before.
"You know, I have learned as well that the most important thing for yourself is to follow your heart. No matter what others think. You will never be able to make everybody happy. Eleanor Roosevelt once said 'Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.' I find this to be a very good observation and wise advice. Well … " She fiddled with the hem of her shirt. "…you have not answered the first part of my question," Rachel then stated quietly.
Just like the night before, Quinn continued pouring her heart out onto the paper in front of her, with Rachel leaning against her, reading the words that flowed out from under the pen.
As to the point of you being unable to hear, yes, it was a shock to me when you told me. It felt like someone pulled the floor out right from under my feet. But I also felt that whatever had happened, at that moment I had to stay. Even though I had no idea how to communicate with you and I just prayed that I could somehow manage to make you understand. That we would manage to find a basis to connect.
I am glad we did. And I believe that as long as we openly and honestly talk about this and the issues that come with it, we will manage. We will find a way to live with it. I honestly believe that love can overcome any hurdle.
You know, Rachel; everyone can get hurt from one moment to the other. It can happen to anyone. Believe me I know. Quinn added with a knowing smile and Rachel knew what she was referring to.
I can understand why you wanted to push every one away in the beginning. I did the same after my accident. The pity was the worst. No one wanted to see me. They only saw what I had been and what I had become. But the worst part was that I did it to myself. I pitied myself the most in the beginning. Then I realized there was more to me than that. I thought a lot about what you told me on various occasions over the years.
And all along, through all the years you had such a graceful way of looking beyond my outer shell. You saw things in me that I never recognized. So why can't you grant me the same recognition for you?
Don't ever think or say that you are a liability again, please, never again!
"But how do you deal with it?" Rachel interrupted. "I mean, really, isn't it hard for you that you can't call me or talk to me in a normal way? Instead we have to …" she waved her hand towards the paper on Quinn's lap "… depend on writing and learning a new language and I still have the feeling it does not help to bring everything across as one can with his or her voice." Frustration rang in her voice, but Rachel was honestly curious about how Quinn felt about this.
Quinn carefully chose her words. She had promised honesty. But honesty could also hurt. So she tried as sensibly as possible to explain to Rachel what impact her deafness had on her.
I sometimes wish I could touch you and talk to you at the same time. When I touch you, I would like to tell you what I feel. Tell you that feeling your skin sends sparks up my fingers and makes me absolutely lose my free will. That holding you in my arms is the best feeling I have ever had. That you fit right in there, and only you, no one else. That this is what my arms were made for, just to hold you.
But I can't tell you this while holding you because I would have to withdraw my hands and sign all these words and with this I would have to break the physical contact with you.
You know, you might not be aware of this, but this is where you are at an advantage, Rachel.
When she noticed the incredulous look on Rachel's face, Quinn hastened to explain.
You can still speak and express your feelings through your voice, if you choose to. I cannot do that. I, your family, your friends, we all cannot do that anymore. We need to find other means to express ourselves so you can understand. In a way, you are shut out of our world. But we are also shut out of yours. And we need to find a door to walk through those walls.
Rachel thought for a moment, contemplating that in a certain way it was not only her being compromised by her handicap, it also had more impact on other people than she had assumed.
"So my being deaf makes you mute, in a certain way."
Quinn nodded. Yes, it does.
When the smaller woman had read these honest words, she turned her head away. Then she felt Quinn's tender hand turn her back to face her. Rachel closed her eyes, not willing to look at her friend, still digesting the observation that Quinn had relayed. There was a light tap on her hand. It was a small and tender request for her attention. Slowly she opened her lids and Quinn withdrew her hands to sign. And Rachel consciously felt what her friend had explained only minutes ago about the importance of touch. She felt robbed and immediately missed the contact when Quinn's fingers slid off her arm to speak to her.
Rachel, don't go there.
"Go where?" She asked in a choked voice.
To that dark place where all the doubts, insecurities and resentment lies. Don't go there.
Quinn took the pen again and placed her other hand on Rachel's thigh. They both desperately needed this physical connection. Rachel closed both hands over Quinn's fingers.
The only thing I am trying to say is that your accident also has an impact on the people around you who love you. They also need to come to terms with it. It is a "new" situation for all of us and we all need to search for ways to deal with it. Some can do it easier, but for some it will be more difficult.
As for me, I might make mistakes, but as long as we are open and honest about everything, even the hurtful things, then I think we have a chance. I need to know what you want or need me to do. And if I am being inconsiderate, please tell me.
I know we are still groping our way through these new ways of communication but we are on a good way. Look how far we have come these past days.
You deafness doesn't define who you are. This is only a part of you. Don't make yourself smaller than you are. And don't define yourself just by this one aspect. You are so much more!
Quinn's gaze never left Rachel's and she laid all her love and tenderness into it.
And I am very proud of you and happy and relieved – god, I am crying again, Quinn laughed a bit embarrassed, wiping some tears away with the back of her hand. … I am relieved that you gracefully let me pick my way into your world. That you did not push me away, that you were so patient with me, that you let me stumble - sending you that song text for example - and that you lent me a hand to help me up again.
It took a while for Rachel to digest the words; to pull herself out of her darkening mood that Quinn's earlier words had caused. As hurtful as they were, they made her understand Quinn better. She understood that this was the only way this relationship could work. They needed to communicate on this honest level. Pushing topics away would only cause a rift between them, even though it might seem easier at a certain point. Now that she could comprehend the restriction her deafness caused for Quinn, she could also see how she herself could help find ways to deal with them.
"Well, you also picked me up, Quinn. You reached out and held me up, literally. You held me in that hallway, because I would have broken down. And you literally helped me out of my pit in which I sat like a caged animal, not knowing how to escape. I was actually quite impressed with how you managed to walk up to me, being confronted with what happened and still not shy away. And you are right. We have to be open to each other and truthful. " She added with a smile. "Sooooooo, where does that leave us now?"
I think that leaves us at the greatest place we could be. It leaves us at the point where we have both confessed that we love each other. After a record breaking short time of six days, Quinn drabbled on the paper.
Six days and four years, Rachel added with her hands.
Six days, four years plus five more, if you count the three high school years and the first two college years.
"Wow." Rachel was impressed. "That makes a total of nine years!? No way!"
She slowly moved her head from side to side, her gaze glued to Quinn's eyes.
"If we were in a TV series, fans would have abandoned us already after two years if the writers did not script us to become an item then. And we managed to dance around each other for nine fucking years in real life?"
Now it was Quinn who looked a bit stunned about Rachel's choice of words. She quirked an eyebrow at Rachel before she continued.
I heard the f-word, Rachel Berry. Nevertheless, you are right. We set up a record. But not in terms of short time, but rather like never-ending-story-long-time.
This triggered a snort from the petite woman, causing Quinn to playfully tuck her hair. Then she placed the palm of her hand softly against Rachel's cheek, tenderly stroking the velvety skin with her thumb, steering them away again from the bantering.
I want to live by what makes us happy. I want us to be happy, I want to experience real love. And that I feel I can experience with you.
"So you want us to be official girlfriends? As in dating and kissing and holding hands and all the other stuff that comes with it?" Quinn thought she heard a slight teasing note in Rachel's voice. She nodded.
That is what I would like us to be. Especially looking forward to the other stuff, Quinn laughed. After nine years, come on! We do not have more time to waste!
"You think? Hm, yeah. You are right. Let us give it a try and see how we both feel about…us dating. We have been going at this - or well, rather not going at this for almost a decade. God, that makes me feel old!"
Rachel laughed and kissed Quinn who was grinning like crazy which made their first official girlfriend-lover-kiss a bit awkward until they both started giggling and fell sideways on the couch. That pinned Quinn under Rachel and the former diva did not let one second go to waste to use that as her advantage. She straddled Quinn, bent forward, and placed her hands next to Quinn's head, slowly bending down until her lips almost touched Quinn's. Only to quickly move back up again a little as Quinn's head moved to meet her.
Quinn sank back with a groan. Then she reached up and placed a hand behind Rachel's neck.
"Don't make me beg!" And she pulled a chuckling Rachel down again, sharing a slow and tender kiss.
You know, since writing this story I am so much more attuned to sounds and how much we (often unconsciously) absorb though our hearing.
And I also noticed more how you really can feel sound. I had a really impactful experience last Saturday. It is the high season for carnival in our region and a lot of marching bands walk through the city on numerous occasions. It was market day and I heard them approaching from somewhere behind me. They were still quite far away, hidden by several market stands and trucks. However, the most striking thing was that even though I was wrapped up in really thick winter clothes and there were still so many obstacles between them and me, I still felt the drum beat pulsing though my hands, my feet and my chest so strongly!
It is just amazing what sound waves are capable of.