Glee is not mine. I only borrowed the characters.

I have to say I am honestly surprised about all the favorite markings and followers! I never thought my little story would really cause so much interest.

Thanks for proving me wrong :-)!

Chapter 20

They prepared dinner in a joint effort, Rachel cutting and slicing, Quinn mixing and spicing the food. While Quinn quickly put some finishing touch to the meal, Rachel took the plates out of the cupboard and placed the cutlery on the counter. She also brought two candles and placed the flowers that she had bought Quinn from a small flower shop on their way back to the apartment right next to them. Rachel had wanted to surprise Quinn with them, but since she had already bump into into her while running her errands, Quinn could choose which flowers she liked best, at least. The flowers had earned her such a sweet kiss and the joy in Quinn's eyes was so infectious that Rachel contemplated buying the whole shop next time.

They sat down to eat and enjoyed the meal in silence for a moment, only interrupted by the occasional "mhm, good" from Rachel praising her girlfriend's cooking.

At one point Quinn put down her fork and Rachel sensed that a question was coming up. Something about Quinn's posture and expression always changed whenever she prepared to ask something meaningful that would cause Rachel to have to reflect about herself again. She felt a bit like she had done quite a soul striptease over the past weeks. Not that she minded, she was actually happy to have Quinn in her life who really cared about her and was always interested to learn about what was preoccupying her. It felt good to get the things out of her mind into the open that had been locked up there for many months. It helped her to order her thoughts and it let her see herself in a clearer light.

Rachel had bared almost all her feelings, doubts and insecurities to the other woman, who in turn had also shared quite a lot about herself, about her emotions, thoughts and motivations. The questions and following discussions were always carried in an understanding and caring way, yet never overbearing or dogmatic. Rachel loved being able to exchange her opinions and feelings on such a level and with such a deep and strong connection to someone.

So she studied Quinn, waiting for her to form the words. The small expectant smile on Rachel's face threw the singer a little off course.

What?

"Nothing. I am just waiting for you to pose the question."

What?

"I said I am just waiting…" She was interrupted by Quinn's hands.

I got that the first time. How did you know I wanted to ask you something?

Rachel chuckled, a bit surprised that Quinn could not guess the obvious.

"Trade secret. Shoot."

Quinn gave her a quizzical look, still not catching on, but decided to get back to the actual question that burned in her mind.

Want to tell me how your last two days were? You looked so tired and worn out when we Skyped on Wednesday. I was worried about you.

Rachel's eyes clouded over, knowing full well what Quinn wanted to know. The agreement regarding total honesty was exhausting, sometimes. Well, only when it came to topics that she did not want to discuss, that were still too tender and fragile within her to bring them out into the open. Nevertheless, her mouth poured out the next words.

"Which part do you want to know? The one about meeting my manager or the one about the letters?"

She watched Quinn's slender hand sneak across the counter top and squeeze her own. Rachel laid her fork down and sighed, debating with herself to stall or to face up. Before Quinn could answer, because she held on to her hand for comfort, Rachel gathered her courage and started to explain. However, to her own surprise a completely different topic found its way out of her heart.

"My dad came over for a visit, two days ago. He was on a spontaneous business trip." She saw Quinn nod; after all, she had met him on that same evening as well.

"I told you before that I feel like fish out of the water being around them. It is hard, because we had such a good relationship and now I have the feeling that we just drift further and further apart. They are helpless and don't know how to deal with it - partly because I deliberately don't let them, another part is because for whatever reason they just cannot put themselves into my shoes. It gives me the feeling that they don't care enough. That makes me angry, disappointed, hurt and helpless. It makes me feel abandoned. As if now, that I cannot fulfill my dreams – and respectively theirs, I am just not worth the effort."

The last words rode a wave of sadness that came out of the depth of Rachel's heart.

She noted that Quinn wanted to say something but she needed to get this off her chest. She tried to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat and continued.

"I know they mean well and they don't do things deliberately to hurt me, but their carelessness is just so painful. They keep coming up behind me, hugging me, touching me when I told them a hundred times to not do that."

Exasperated she threw her hands up. "Why is that so difficult to understand and to respect? I guess that is what bothers me the most. I feel like they don't respect my wishes. They only care about themselves and their own display of affection, their plan to let me know they still care. But in the process they completely neglect to check if this is really the best for me or if that is what I want or how I want it! And then this letter just pushed it over the top."

Carefully Quinn pulled her hand back, not moving her green orbs that locked onto the brown eyes which were radiating so many emotions.

She wished she could help mend the relationship between her girlfriend and her dads. Maybe some of her insights could help Rachel understand her dads better and vice versa. They had always been so close and it pained her to see that Rachel could not trust them as much as she used to. Quinn knew how hard it was to go through difficult times without your parent's support. Even though she had had friends and their parents that cared, it still was not the same. In certain situations, you just wanted your mom and dad, you wanted the security they usually radiated. You wanted them to make everything all right again. You were willing to fall back into that age where you still believed that your parents were heroes and could just move the earth for you to make it ok again. As much as she loved Rachel, she could not replace her family. And Rachel needed her family. She needed that safety net.

Rachel, have you ever told them in detail about how you feel? How their behavior makes you feel? I honestly don't think that they want to hurt you. They have known you all your life, they knew exactly how you ticked, they could read you like an open book. Imagine now, all of a sudden, this book has a different cover and is written in another language. They can snatch bits and pieces by learning that new language, but they still don't get the whole story. And every time they try to read, the book only opens a bit. Only leaving a little crack to glimpse the letters inside.

"You are supposed to be on my side," Rachel grumbled and glared at Quinn, who smiled a bit to diffuse the situation.

Rachel, I am on your side. I see how it hurts you for not being able to connect with your dads on the level you used to. I am trying to make you understand their point of view. And I am grateful to have that insight, because you shared so much with me! You opened up for me, you let me read many of the pages in your book.

"I don't know if I find it flattering to be compared to a book."

That comment made Quinn laugh. You know what I mean.

"Yes, I do. I actually told them that I would come home for Hanukkah so we could talk. But I am a bit afraid… of what will happen. If anything will change at all, if they understand. Do you know what I mean?"

Would you like me to come with you? Maybe I can help explain a little, Quinn offered.

"You would … come with me? You would stay with me when I talk to them?"

Quinn moved her head up and down with a smile.

"Maybe it really helps them to better understand if you can explain some things from your point of view. You know, from hearing person to hearing person. They can also discuss with you how they feel. I am sure that this might also give them some insights and help." A hopeful spark glittered in Rachel's eyes.

Quinn gave her girlfriend a quick hug.

Of course I will come with you! I am glad that you decided to have an honest talk about this with them. I know how important they are to you and how much you suffered from that missing connection. Believe me, I know how much you wish for you parents to be there for you in a situation like this.

She let her hands sink into her lap. Rachel had asked her once during the past days how it had been for her not having her parents around during her pregnancy. Of not having the possibility to lean on someone, to have him or her tell you that together you would manage, that you would find a solution. Quinn had answered honestly and explained how she had felt. How this feeling of abandonment was still not completely out of her system. She could understand Rachel in her current situation quite well.

Rachel reached out and cupped her lover's face, slowly pulling her forward until their lips touched. "Thank you, Quinn." She murmured against the soft and full mouth. "Actually, I liked your analogy to a book." And she stole a tender kiss from Quinn, hoping that the topic would be closed. She slowly pulled back and searched her girlfriend's face.

No such luck. Quinn had that look on her face again.

What about the letters?

Rachel let out a deep breath and shrugged. "They are from my ENT specialist. They keep asking me to come back. They want to check on my healing process."

She saw that Quinn was patiently waiting for a somewhat elaborate explanation. She did not know what to say. Instead, she just fiddled with her fork and pushed the left over pasta back and forth on her plate.

In her heart, she knew she should talk about it, face this fear and hope. But something held her back. Some inner force seemed to tell her if she voiced it out loud, the spell would be broken and all hope lost. Rachel knew this was ridiculous, just from talking about something did not necessarily mean that something had to happen. So she forced herself to express her thoughts quietly, almost as if talking to herself, her eyes trained on the countertop, tracing the wood pattern on the surface with her forefinger.

"Don't know what healing process they want to check on."

Quinn stayed silent, watching an inner debate taking place in her girlfriend's mind. Even though she did not share the words with Quinn right away, the blond woman could still decipher the emotions that picked their way across Rachel's features.

Well, are you planning to ever go back for a check-up? Quinn then cautiously asked.

"No. What for? So they can tell me that I still can't hear? Thanks, I already know that. God, I just sound like someone from one of those pathetic movies."

Quinn studied her girlfriend, trying to decide if she should ask the next question. She reached out and placed her hand over Rachel's. The brunette looked up.

Rachel, I don't want to pressure you. It is your choice. But don't you want to know if you are healing? Maybe the progress is not so far that you can notice, but it might be there!

Rachel pulled her hand back to sign.

And then what? And what if it is not there? I cannot get my hopes up just for them to be crushed again. I have gone through that twice already. Twice, Quinn! After each operation, hoping, waiting, praying. And then crashing hard on the floor of reality, realizing that it was all for nothing.

Her hands were angrily slapping against each other while signing.

How great are my chances now to get my hearing back? What do you think? Do you really think that after all this time I still have a chance? I don't, not really. And I cannot waste any more energy on that. I need all my energy and strength to face my life now. To find out what to do with it. I am getting tired of mourning. I finally have the feeling I want to move on.

Quinn contemplated her statement.

Why are they the insisting on seeing you? They must have thought there was some hope, otherwise they would not have operated you a second time and would not urge you to come back.

Rachel watched Quinn with dark eyes. She gave words to her thoughts. This sentence had run through her own mind countless times.

But after the last operation her specialist had also told her something else, something that not even her dads knew about. Something that she did not want to think about.

She would not go. She could not endure the final words of a doctor to tell her that there possibly was no hope anymore. That they had done all they could. She hated to admit it, but the words she had earlier spoken were not quite true. On the one hand, yes, she wanted to move on, but on the other hand, this little, small amount of hope inside her was the token that kept her alive all these months. Hope to hear again one day. She could not voice it. Not yet. She just could not admit that in front of anyone, betraying her own brave words she had thrown at Quinn mere minutes ago. She wanted this discussion to end.

Quinn sensed Rachel's reluctance, but she desperately needed to know what was going on in that head of hers. Though it was obviously a topic that was not easy for her to discuss, which she could understand. She decided to let it drop and let Rachel choose on her own when to take it up again.

Ok, I can understand where you are coming from. Let us...

Expecting Quinn to press further on the topic, Rachel interrupted her by smacking her flat palm on the counter top, shooting her an angry glare. Quinn was taken aback. She had not seen Rachel react like this before.

Rachel, I don't… But Quinn had no chance to explain.

"Enough! I'm done discussing!" Rachel jumped up, her chair toppling over. She took a few steps away from Quinn to get some distance between them. Then a thought struck her and she turned around.

Are you asking me to go to a check-up because you are hoping that I can hear again, that you don't have to be burdened with a deaf girlfriend?

She furiously signed, but as soon as she saw the color drain from Quinn's face, she regretted her harsh words. Rachel saw Quinn's eyes shimmer with hurt.

The blond woman closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath.

"That was low, Rachel," Quinn whispered, her voice choked, her signs hardly readable.

Quinn, I am sorry!

Quinn did not see her apology. She leaned on her hands, looking down at the table. Then she raised her head.

Do you think I would go through this whole song and dance of learning ASL, of wearing earplugs to better understand what you are going through if my only motivation was to get a medical opinion that says that you could hear again? That this was the only thing that counted for me? That this was the only condition why I would want you as my girlfriend? Have you not understood that I love you for who you are and not what you are? Hearing or not.

A tearful gaze searched Rachel's face.

I don't know how else I can show you that I love you just the way your are. I just don't know how Rachel, if all that was not enough.

Quinn slid back her chair and pushed herself up, avoiding further eye contact.

"Quinn, I am sorry." Rachel repeated aloud this time, but it did not reach behind Quinn's hurt.

Rachel, I need a moment alone. And she went to the bedroom and closed the door.

Rachel stood rooted to the spot, her eyes on the door that felt like a trapdoor that just had closed over her, leaving her in a very dark, lonely and confined space. She felt her knees grow weak and sat on the floor right where she was, wrapping her arms around her stomach, trying to still the gut wrenching sobs that found their way up to her throat. She could not think, she could not move. All she could do was feel the fear and hurt that seemed to fill her whole heart.

She slowly rocked back and forth, somehow trying not to break down completely. Because this time there would be no one to catch her. Because the one person she had cared about most, she had pushed away with a spitefulness that had shocked even herself. She might as well have taken a dagger and pierced it through Quinn's heart. She was sure that this would have caused the same pain as her words did.

Rachel absolutely loathed herself at that moment. She hated the meanness that had found its way up, the resentment and the whole fucking deafness that had made her to be such a weak and insecure person.

Why had she uttered those cruel and hurtful words? Why had this vicious little voice in her head which she had had such a good grip on over the past days all of a sudden gained control again? Why had she let it control her again when all she had ever received from Quinn over the past weeks was complete and absolute acceptance? With that last thought, all the love she had been given washed through her again. She held on to it, forcing it to fill every crevice of her body, every fiber until all the doubts were drenched with it and could not hold fort anymore.

.….

Quinn lay on her side on the bed, tears sliding silently down her cheeks, dripping on the blanket below her. She tried to control her breathing, to focus on one breath after the other in order to not drown in that gut wrenching pain that shot through her.

In a way, she could understand where Rachel's comment came from. Even though she had already made progress through meeting friends, going out more, she still had to fight hard every day to accept her loss. Besides Quinn telling and showing her over and over how much she loved and accepted her just the way she was, Rachel herself still had to keep learning to accept herself that way as well.

Nevertheless, the words had stung. Very much. They had knocked the air out of her lungs and Quinn felt as if an iron band had been placed around her chest, squeezing it tight. Of course Quinn would be happy if Rachel could get her hearing back, then she could take up a normal life, maybe even pursue her dreams again. And if she knew how, she would do anything to help her achieve this. But wanting did not necessarily mean she could make it come true.

How could she show Rachel that she loved her more than her own life? Quinn had never thought herself to be capable of loving someone so much. She knew for a long time that she was in love with Rachel, at least since Jenna put words to her confusing feelings. That she would fall even more and deeper in love with this beautiful woman with the mahogany eyes was something that showed her one of the greatest lessons in life.

Genuine and true love could indeed conquer everything. It could overcome doubts, fears, insecurities, hate and shame. Maybe one day Rachel would also see, that love could overcome the greatest hurdle.

Self-depreciation.

It was the most destructive force that existed in a human being. It could be like a black hole that sucked up every light and live around it. She did not want Rachel to fall into that hole, and not for anything in the world would she let her.

RachelBabraBerry: Another cliffhanger ... sorry! Rant, if you must :-)

Gllover22: That's in the works ...