Chapter 4
Kenshin stared at her. She smiled at him wistfully and handed him the sake. He took it but didn't drink.
"Your father sold me?" he finally managed.
She nodded, her lips pinched.
"I had always thought that my parents..." the words caught in his throat.
He passed her the gourd then turned away to face the moonlit field. Emotions suddenly overwhelmed him. His chin trembled. His eyes prickled. In the back of his mind, he'd always carried this heavy weight, this painful thought that his parents had given him away because they hadn't wanted him. It had been part of his identity. It had made him who he was. If what Yuwa had said was true – and he believed it was – he could finally let go of this painful burden. But did he want to? He clenched his fists, trying his best to prevent the tears from spilling on to his cheeks.
Yuwa took a few steps back and sat on the edge of a cart. She unstoppered the gourd and drank some more. She tried not to look at Kenshin but just couldn't. She felt like they were back to the bakumatsu era and he was in her care again. Little Shinta had always been a happy kid and when he'd been sad, he'd always fought the tears. If he cried, he'd always done so hidden from everyone. Back then, just as in this very moment, she fought the urge to take him in her arms to comfort him. Shinta would have resisted. Kenshin was a stranger.
The moment passed and Kenshin found his voice again. He took a deep breath.
"Why did he sell me?"
Yuwa got up. Somewhere back in the chief's someone had intoned an old song. In the distance, a bamboo fountain echoed as it emptied itself. The question hung in the heavy air of the summer night. She swallowed.
"After you were gone, I practiced this scene over and over in my head. I believed that you would be back, that you wouldn't be away for too long. In that scene, however, you were a little boy and I an eleven year old girl."
She paused, desperately trying to find the right words.
"But you never… And time… Well time passed…"
He turned to face her. He brow was furrowed and she was pinching her lips.
"Ask me an easier question, please," she finally said.
He could tell that she wanted nothing more than to look away but she sustained his gaze.
"I feel like nothing about this is easy. But maybe you can answer this question: why don't I recognise anything? Why, if this is truly my village, is nothing here familiar?"
Her shoulders lowered slightly as she relaxed.
"This part of the village is recent. It was extended after the landslide."
She faced the chief's house and pointed at something higher up in the distance.
"The place where we grew up was way up there. The area where we stand was mostly occupied by rice paddies back then."
He nodded. This would explain it. Suddenly, a thought came to him.
"The path to the right, just before the last hill…"
"Yes, this used to be the main road."
She offered him the sake anew. He refused. A moment passed.
"You friend is having a great time with everyone and my husband doesn't drink; he can bring her back to my place later. The night is clear. What do you say we walk up to the old village. If we take our time, we will get there just before the sunrise."
He hesitated a moment. What if he went up there and still didn't recognise anything? He decided that having come this far, he needed to take that risk.
"As long as you tell me everything on the way there."
She started to talk as soon as they had passed her house, the first in the valley.
"I know most of this from my father's second wife, who was your mother's sister. Her twin, in fact. Your mother's name was Yuki and your aunt's name was Yumi."
"Yuki…" mouthed Kenshin. Twins.
"They were born in Otsu but moved to the village when my father asked Yumi to marry him. You grandparents were already gone by then and so Yuki came along. I don't remember them coming to the village; I was only a baby. My mother had died giving birth to me and I was not even one year old when my father remarried. For as long as I can remember, the four of us had lived together. Yumi made me call her okasan and she was really good to me until my brother, Junichiro, was born. I was around 4 by then, and I might have believed myself to be invisible it it hadn't been for your mother. She took care of me, played with me, and always made me feel loved. I feel like my parents, who now had an heir, saw me as a burden, the reminder of a painful past."
They had reached the top of the hill. She stopped and turned back, laying a loving eye on the village. Kenshin looked at her.
"Did they have red hair like me?"
"No. That came from your father. Let's continue."
They resumed their walk.
"You father was called Himura Shintaro. He was a peddling haberdasher. He came to the village for a few days every season. He brought silks, ribbons and other materials for the women. He would stay one or two days, sometimes longer if the weather was inclement, and then be on his way. I loved Shin-chan. He always had sweets for me. I wasn't the only one who loved him. All the women of the village had a crush on him. He was tall and muscular and his black hair made his purple eyes even more striking."
"I thought you said the red hair came from my father…" he said, puzzled.
"It did. I don't think he knew the specifics himself, but somewhere in his family tree had been a red-headed nanbanjin with pale eyes. According to Shin-chan, the red hair resurfaced every few generations, stayed for a while, then disappeared again. Or so the story went."
Kenshin was shocked to know that he had non-Japanese blood in his ancestry. If Yuwa noticed, she didn't show it.
"To say that my father didn't like yours would be an understatement. He despised him. He didn't trust him and especially didn't like how he and your mother were very close. He saw Yuki as his ward. Soon, what was meant to happen happened: your mother discovered she was with child a month after Shin-chan's last visit."
"Your father must have been furious," he said.
She nodded.
"I still remember the day she told him. I came back from the field to find Yumi crying with a wailing Shinichiro in her arms. Inside, I could hear my father bellow with rage. Since Yumi mostly ignored me, I creeped closer to the door and spied inside. Your mother was seated with her back straight. I will never forget the determined look on her face. My father stormed and yet she remained calm like the Buddha. Shintaro would come back. Shintaro would do the right thing. She kept on repeating those words. Eventually, my father threw his arms in the air and just gave up. And so the waiting game began."
Kenshin tried to picture his mother. He searched his memories for and image of her. He found nothing but emptiness.
"The moon waxed and waned as your mother's belly rounded. She never doubted his return and his integrity. And she was proven right. Shintaro's next visit was to be his last stop as a peddler. As soon as he heard of Yuki's condition, he married her and they settled in a small dilapidated house that had been empty for a while. To my father's horror, it was right next to ours."
She chuckled, far away. He wished he could have seen what she did.
"The next few months were pure bliss. Although I still lived with my family, I spent most of my time with yours. Shintaro proved to be an excellent farmer and Yuki mothered me, going as far as telling me that you would be my little brother. I was delighted and afraid. Yuki was Yumi's exact copy; what if she acted the same her sister had after the birth of her own child?"
She turned and smiled at him.
"These fears were unfounded. You came into this world with your bright red hair and your purple eyes and from that day, love only grew. Yuki was sick for a while after your birth, I wouldn't be able to tell you what it was, but it kept her in bed for most of the winter. I took care of you during that time. I almost never returned home. I don't think I was missed at all. It didn't matter to me. I was six years old and your little mother."
Her voice was warm with affection. He suddenly realised that her tone had changed. The merry chatter she had greeted them with earlier that day had been a front, a way for her to hide the complex emotions she had felt when abruptly reunited with her past. They walked in silence for a while. In the darkness of the forest, their footsteps were dampened. He tried to think, to process all this information, but found that his brain was simply too overwhelmed. Yuwa resumed her story.
"This was probably the best time of my life. But it wasn't to last. As soon as she was better, your mother got pregnant again. The midwife said it was twins. Whatever it was, it put your mother through Hell. She was constantly sick and often distracted. She would cry when she had moments of lucidity. She apologised to you for being a bad mother. Shin-chan and Yumi were worried. Your aunt offered to take you on, but your father refused;I took care of you. You weren't yet two years old when Yuki went in labour. It was too early. It lasted hours. You cried the entire time. I tried everything to comfort you but nothing would do. Looking back, I feel like you knew. "
Yuwa had stopped a few paces ahead of him. Her voice trembled. She drank some sake. Kenshin dreaded what was to come next.
"The twins were born in the middle of the night and didn't live to see the day. Your mother followed them not long after."