Sorry for put you guys through this again.

There's only 9 chapters left so hang in there with me okay? It will end soon.

WARNING Rate M : PTSD and Suicide attempt

41 : DEMONS**

The flight back to New York was filled with silence. Steve saw the haunted and traumatized look in her eyes, so he pulled her into his hold, allowing her tears to fall discreetly.

Fury wanted an immediate debrief but Steve told the director that his team was injured and worn out. Fury agreed so he let the Avengers get some rest before report back to the Triskelion.

That night, after Steve and Natasha were asleep, Natasha had a very terrible nightmare. It was too real. Steve could sense that she was shaking, shifting, and silently sobbing. He opened his eyes and he knew she must have had a nightmare.

"Nat, it just a dream. Snap out of it" He whispered gently but she continued to shake and sob so he shook her body to wake her up "Nat, wake up. It's just a dream"

She snapped her eyes open and a moment later, Steve was laid flat on his back with Natasha's knee pressed hard on his chest, a knife at his throat.

"It's me, Nat. You are safe with me" He said. Natasha blinked her eyes and let go of the knife which Steve dropped it on the floor.

"I'm so sorry, Steve" She said and hugged him tightly "I was just to real"

"It's alright, Nat" He soothed "I'm here and you are safe with me"

"Don't leave me, Steve"

"You know I never will"

"I see fire every time I try to close my eyes, Steve" She quietly said "I saw hollowing souls of the lives, haunting me, waiting to drag me to hell"

He kissed her forehead repeatedly, rubbed her back, and hugged her tightly in his arms. He whispered all the soothing thing to her and hope that it will help her somehow.

Natasha slowly drifted back to sleep but Steve didn't go back to sleep. He noticed this change in her and he began to worry. She didn't have nightmares for a long time. Not to mention that she put a knife or maybe a gun under her pillow again.

Steve didn't know when he fall asleep again last night but when he woke up, Natasha was gone. A moment of panic strikes him but he heard a shower running. She must be in there.

Steve walked into the bathroom and found Natasha sitting in the shower and let the cold water fell on her. She put her head on her knee.

"Nat?" He called but there was no answer from her.

He stepped in and sat down beside her, putting his arms around her small frame and pulled her close.

"Steve…" She sobbed and began to cry again. "It's my fault. I killed…."

"It's not you fault, Nat" He comforted "At the moment, anything can happen. It's not your fault. She pointed a gun at you. I see it all."

"I shouldn't…"

"Stop it, Nat. Don't jury yourself this way." He kissed her forehead. "It's gonna be okay, baby. I'm here with you"

Natasha finally relaxed in his arms and let Steve take care of her. Finally, he carried her out of the shower and gently dressed her up. They had a debrief with Fury this morning. Everyone was waiting for both of them at the living room.

But everyone could sense that this is not Natasha Romanoff that came back from Ecuador. Her beautiful green eyes stared vacantly. She was not herself and looked like she was about to break down any second.

This was something that they all knew was going to be very hard and they will have to take care of her.

The second night was no different than the first one. Natasha cried herself to sleep. She didn't talk to anyone but Steve. Even with Steve, she didn't talk that much. She tried to conceal every feeling inside her even if she knew that it will kill her inside.

Steve woke up because he heard the soft mumble from her. Broken words asking for forgiveness with tortured sound.

"Ivan, i'm sorry…" She said sadly "I cannot do this"

"Nat, what's wrong?" He asked, tried to shake her out of her dream.

She must be dreaming about her time back in Russia, Red Room and everything before she joined SHIELD.

"I'm sorry…" Natasha pleaded, clenching her hands at Steve's chest "Please…I'm sorry"

The voice alone broke Steve's heart as Natasha started to sobbed, choking and push her head against his chest further. She was talking in her sleep but how could she make it so heart breaking?

"I didn't want to do this…please"

Her fingernails dig into his flesh. It's hurt but not hurt Steve like the words she was saying. He held his gripped tighter, one hand rubbed her back and whispering the words to console her.

"Nat, it will be alright. It's just a dream"

But she had been haunted by ghosts all night.

"Rough night?" Clint asked when he noticed the super soldier had a dark circle around his eyes and he looked really tired.

Steve just put Natasha on the couch. She began to sleep soundly at dawn after a long night they both have been through. It's been three day since they came back from Ecuador.

Natasha was getting worse every day but Steve never left her side.

Steve joined Clint in the kitchen. The archer handed him a cup of coffee.

"I can't sleep and she can't either." Steve paused and sighed "She woke up, screaming, sweating, and crying. I put her back to sleep but she was sleep talking, saying very painful things about her past, and asking for forgiveness." Steve buried his face in his hands "It just breaks my heart. I was there with her, held her in my arms but I cannot do anything to make her feel better"

"Don't be so hard on yourself, man" Clint patted his Captain's shoulder "Things about her past are really complicated and sometime it haunting her more than you could know."

"I just wish I can help her through that" Steve told, looking really sad "She won't tell me anything"

"She feared that you might be disgusted her if you know about her past"

"Clint, I told her many times that I don't care. She is a good person, a hero. I cannot judge her from her past or what she did. I knew it was hard for her but I can accept the fact that nobody's perfect even me"

"Steve, listen…" Clint made the point "You cannot leave her. You cannot let her go. You are the only thing that keep her Natasha Romanoff, not Natalia Romanova, the ruthless killer."

"I will not do that, you know me" The captain said "She really thinks that I will leave her?"

"Yes! That's why I tried to warn you. She was afraid of losing you more than anything in this world. She's afraid that you might have enough of dead in her hands and leave her for someone better than her"

Steve looked at the small figure sleeping on the couch. His eyes worried. He will do his best to make her feel better regardless what the cost is.

He couldn't stand to see Natasha being like this.

Natasha woke up again when it was almost evening. The living room was quiet. Tony kept the television volume down to almost nothing. Pepper was working with her laptop at the kitchen area. The others just lounged around the living area but all kept the voice level down to whispering level.

And her Steve was holding her tightly in his arms, watching and guarding her at the same time.

"Hey…" He quietly greeted.

"Hey" She replied and rubbed her eyes sleepily "I'm sorry for keeping you up last night"

"It's ok, Nat" He said and kissed her forehead "Are you feeling better now?"

She shook her head "Can you carry me back to our room?"

"Of course"

Once they were alone in their room, Steve started asking Natasha questions. He wanted her to talk, at least it could help get something out of her and make her feel better.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, Nat" Steve began "It can help you feel better."

"Steve, in my time with SHIELD, I've seen four therapists. All of them didn't make me feel better. Talking doesn't help. Saying try to forget only makes one remember it more"

"I'm not going to say 'try to forget' because I know it's a lie. No one can do it, even myself. I just want you to know, Natasha, that I'm here for you and I love you"

He held her tightly and rubbed her back.

"I know, Steve and I love you too. But I—I just took the life of a mother who was trying to protect her baby"

"Nat, stop blaming yourself"

"I can't be saved, Steve. It's why I became an atheist a long time ago. No god would save me. Who would?"

The finality of her words scared herself. It scared her that Steve would get fed up with her problems and leave forever.

Steve pulled her closer and arched her head to face him.

"I'd save you"

She smiled at his kind words, but the sorrow was still within her.

Natasha locked herself in her room the next day. Knowing her current mental state, Steve cleared every weapon she had hidden out of there so she wouldn't try anything. It took a few hours, but Jane and Pepper managed to coax her out of the room. Steve saw her enter the shared living space. He approached her, but felt a bit of tension radiating off her. He merely placed a delicate kiss on her lips and left her be.

She needed to be talked to, but Steve knew he couldn't do this alone so he went down to meet with Bruce in his labs.

"Doctor Banner" Steve called.

Bruce looked up from his research "What can I do for you, Captain?"

"I just wondered if you could talk to Nat…uhh—about what happened in Ecuador" Steve told "She still not telling me anything. Not even letting me know how she feels."

"Captain, she's afraid that her past will effect your relationship with her"

"I've told her time and time again, her past doesn't matter to me"

"Steve…"

Bruce could see that Steve was frustrated. How badly he wanted to release Natasha from the anguish that wallowed within her. But something like that won't be easy to pull off.

"What should I do to make her open up about that deep dark past of her?"

"She's a complicated woman, Steve. She will not talk about that especially to you. You are too important to her. She's not ready for you see that side of her"

"So I should just wait for the right time"

"She's in a state of confusion right now. She's afraid of what would happen. She doesn't want to risk what she holds so dear. I'm sure you can sympathize"

Steve just nodded. Before he could say anything more, Tony's voice came from the intercom.

"Everyone to Natasha's floor. She's trying to kill herself"

Steve and Bruce gunned for her floor and when they entered, they found everyone standing away from Natasha, who held a gun to her head.

"NATASHA, DON'T DO THIS!" Steve bellowed. Tears streamed down her face.

"Steve, you have to let me do this. I'm not worth saving. I don't deserve you"

"Natasha, please. I've lost too many people I love already. Please don't let me lose you too" Steve pleaded.

She stared at him. The desperation in his gaze froze her in place.

"Steve, you shouldn't love me the way you do. I'm unworthy of it. Just let me end this charade"

"No" he replied and walked straight over to her. He gently took away the gun and she broke down crying, him holding tightly onto her.

"It's alright, Natty. I'm here for you" he soothed, rubbing her back gently as she sobbed. The group watching slowly dispersed to give them their privacy.

Steve didn't sleep all night as he kept his close watch on Natasha's sleeping form. Everyone could see that he beat himself up very hard from not be able to make her feel better and she almost took her life. He took all the fault on his shoulders.

It's not only Natasha that blame herself anymore but Steve's too.

He tried his best to be there for her, to let her know that he was there to catch her, to protect her but Natasha refused to acknowledge any of that. She said to him when they were alone in their room.

It just killed him that she was going through this, and that he had yet to help her, calm her, make her feel better. And he began to feel she was beginning to resent him. He didn't want to make her cry, he didn't want to be the one who made her sad.

He propped himself up and gave her a light kiss to her cheek. He pulled off the sheets on himself and got up, walking out to their living room, laying down on the couch to sleep for the night.

Not five minutes after he closed his eyes, he felt something lay down on top of him. He opened his eyes to see Natasha cuddled up on top of him.

"I can't talk to you, but I need your warmth. It's keeping me alive"

She wanted to talk about it but she couldn't, this one was just too much and it's the only thing that she simply cannot let him know.

He nodded and wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the head.

"I give you a chance to walk away from me, from this relationship right now" Natasha spoke up out of no where "Take it. I will not take anything personal"

"No…I cannot do that" He said "Nat, you know that I love you more than anything in this world. Even the lowest point of you, I cannot leave you. You are my life, Natasha. I love you. We can do this together"

He still insisted that he loves her after all of this, after all the pain and sorrow she brought to him. She only dragged him down. This man deserved happiness, not the constant pain that she put upon him.

Loki was right. She didn't deserve Steve. She was a disgusting creature who was created to take life. She was what she was make to be, to kill.

There is nothing else in this world that could help her. Not even her savior, Steve Rogers, the man who believe that she is good.

Everybody could sense the tension was building up between the couple as Natasha continued not to talk about her issue with anyone and Steve tried very hard to get her to talk to him. Everybody knew that it's only matter of time before one of them completely break down.

The breaking point came soon enough when Steve seemed to push her too much and Natasha tried very hard not to freak out in front of him.

"You will not understand what I'm going through, Steve"
"Then tell me, Natasha make me understand it!" He made a mistake yelling at her.

Natasha snapped and didn't hold anything back anymore, losing all control.

"I KILLED A BABY!" She yelled. Tears threaten to fall from her eyes. "What's make you think you can understand me, Steve? I ended it life before it even had a chance to walk this earth, I KILL the mother who just try to protect her baby!"
"Nat! Look at me" He said "Look into my eyes and see yourself through my eyes"
"What you see in me is just an illusion, Steve" She replied "That's why I keep asking myself, how could you look at me that way, knowing that I have too much blood in my hand, knowing that I killed innocent people"

"You are a good person, Natasha. Don't convince yourself otherwise." He looked into her green eyes filled with tears. "I saw one brave woman who fight off aliens to protect this world without any care for her life. I saw a woman who try do good to make up for her past. I saw a hero who put herself on the line every day to keep this world spinning"
"It's all lies, Steve. I'm not change one bit. I am what they make me to be, a killing machine"
"We can get through this together, Nat" He placed his hands on her shoulders "If you told me everything or let me help you"

She shrugged her shoulder of Steve's hand and turned away from him. Tears ran down her face as she did it.

"You cannot help me, Steve. There is nothing you can do"

"Yes, I can, Nat. If you let me help you"

"This is my own fight, Steve"

"No, it's not. We'd been through hell together before. You helped me through my lowest point and it's my turn to help you"

"Leave me alone, Steve. Don't try to help because you cannot help me out from this mess"

She could feel his hand reached out for her but he stopped halfway and lowered it before walking out from the gym.

May be she needs more time Steve thought to himself.

But she was so good at pushing people away, even Clint. She pushed everyone away but never him. She never pushed him away and this was the first time she did.

And it hurt him too as he was unable to help her feeling better.

When she came back to their room, Steve was sleeping soundly in their bed. She changed into his shirt and crawled to her place next to him.

She stared at him. She could see how tired he was, considering he didn't get any sleep for the past two days. She knew because she too didn't get any sleep. Too afraid to close her eyes because every time she saw the face of the mother holding her baby and the bullets that went straight out of her body. she killed a baby and the mother who tried to protect it. A baby that...that never got a chance to live. A baby that she and Steve will never get the chance to have one for their own.

She find myself wondering what that child could've achieved. And she took that away.

Red was dripping out of her hands.

Maybe she was lying to herself, she wasn't that strong. She thought she was strong enough to let Steve have a peek into her past but in fact, she is not.

She wanted to hide everything from him, shelter him from it. She cannot let the only safe haven in her life be destroyed by the demons from her past.

She didn't know what she will do if she were to lose him.

She was not herself anymore. She was changed, completely changed from the perfect killing machine she once was, an emotionless assassin. The one that could kill without any feeling.

How can you change so much, Natalie? You're supposed to not let yourself be this compromised and yet you let a perfect boy scout find his way into your life. You were meant to kill, to take life, to not have any emotional attachment, not to mention—love.

You corrupted one good man, bent him to your will and in turn, he changed you in that process too.

They were right. She's not worth enough for him—for his love. She was a creature of darkness while he was a light, a hope—a goodness.

She can't stay here anymore. She had to let him go before the darkness in her consumed him. This is the only way to protect him, to protect both of us.

She kissed him on his lips one last time, tears fell down from her emerald eyes.

"I'm sorry, Steve"

She walked out the door and never looked back.

AN:

- Thanks to my proofreader, Muldoon22 for some edition you added to my chapter.

- Thank you to my proofreader, RushmanNatalie!

- Please kindly leave a review!