So, I was finally starting to doze off after yet another bout of insomnia – happening far too often, if you ask me. But then, sleep typically eludes me in times like these. I digress – the point is that in my almost-dozed-off state, I must have rolled over awkwardly on to my cast, which in turn twisted my entire arm in some jolted-awake-inducing movement. So here I am, yet again as sleep eludes me; this time, with pain in my arm from my elbow to the surgically reattached wrist…trying now to write something. With one working hand. Why, you ask? Well, I suppose I'm just a masochist, in the end. Fitting, then…the prompt that caught my eye.

That, and since I updated my FanFiction profile yesterday – stating that I had no idea when I'd have more GwtV content, I felt the need to prove myself wrong.

If You Have to Hurt to Feel

It wouldn't be long now. The final preparations for the journey to High Hrothgar were almost complete. Parties representing the Stormcloaks and the Legion had assembled in Ivarstead and were merely waiting for word from Marieka to begin the ascent. She had purposefully dallied – the longer she held off on the negotiations, the longer the temporary truce would last, albeit unintentionally on the parts of the warring factions.

Still, peace is peace. And she was glad to have it.

She exited the room she and Brynjolf had rented before dawn, allowing him to continue to slumber while she took some moments to herself. She quietly padded across the floor of the main hall, nodding to Wilhelm – proprietor of the Vilemyr Inn –as she silently opened the door and slipped out on to the main porch.

A soft sigh escaped her lips as she breathed in the scent of the morning deeply. The unfathomable blue of the early morning skies were beginning to allow the pink and golden hues of the imminent sunrise to filter across the horizon.

"There is a strange sadness that surrounds you these days, my dear girl," came a voice from the path to the road ahead.

"Ulfric," she replied, as her eyes landed upon his darkened form. "I didn't expect to see you up and about so early."

"My sleep is restless in these times, Marieka," he replied, stepping up the path to meet her. "And it's more than evident that I am not the only one affected in such a manner."

She descended the steps, gently lowering herself to sit upon them as he approached.

"There is a lot of work to be done to create the stability needed in Skyrim on a permanent basis. But I don't think I'm incorrect at believing that it may even be more difficult to achieve such a peace even temporarily."

He chuckled quietly. "Don't think us all so difficult to appease," he replied. "You will have your armistice. We will reach an agreement and will support you in your endeavours against the dragon threat."

"Truthfully, it's not the Stormcloaks I worry about," she said. "I don't know the Legion. Tullius? Rikke? They are mysteries to me. I don't know how to approach this whole thing."

Ulfric leaned upon the railing of the steps and looked down at her. "It will be fine. The negotiations will be successful. You have…a way with people, Marieka. They trust you."

"I don't know why," she sighed. "I wouldn't trust me."

"Nonsense," he shot back immediately. "You are good hearted and have the best intentions for this province."

She weakly smiled at him.

"And if I'm not mistaken, and the rumours are true," he began, "you are now with child. How can we not trust a mother to be?"

As she looked up at him, a smirk crossed his face. She nodded slowly.

"The rumours are true," she replied.

"Then why do you look so unhappy, Marieka?" he asked. "You should be overjoyed. Even if that thief of yours is the father."

"Still don't have any good things to say about Brynjolf then, eh Ulfric?"

"Not if he funded me with all the septims in Skyrim," he countered. "However, this is a blissful time for you. Yet you wander around – lost, unhappy, despondent. Why is that?"

"Look at what I face, Ulfric. What we face. Even with the possibilities that a child will bring? I'm not even certain if bringing a child into this world is the right thing to do. So yes, I am unhappy. How will I protect a child if I can't even protect myself?"

"Push those thoughts aside," he said. "You're shutting yourself off from allowing those who care for you to help you. You're not alone, Marieka. You don't need to be sad. Or lost."

"Ulfric," she replied sadly, "sometimes the only way I know I'm alive is when I feel the pain."

"If you have the hurt to feel anything, Marieka, then you may as well give up on this life right now."

Without a second's hesitation, he stepped up the remaining stairs and entered the inn, leaving her alone to consider his words.

She closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. Being cold to the challenges she faced – that was the only way to get through them…wasn't it? Doing everything on her own without bringing outsiders in – that was the safest way. The way to make sure everyone survived the coming days…wasn't it?

Maybe Ulfric was right.

But whether he was or he wasn't, she sighed loudly. She'd at least have the seven thousand steps to High Hrothgar to think on what he said.