Glee disclaimer... as always...
Sole's stories: Thank you for letting me steal your Santana idea! And thank you for our continuous great discussions! :-)
gllover22, w1cked: No worries... see...
Have a happy weekend everyone!
Chapter 32
As Rachel exited the ladies room, she almost ran into a tall figure that came out of the men's bathroom. She quickly stepped back and as the guy also sidestepped to avoid a collision with the petite woman, their eyes met. A wide smile spread across the man's face. Rachel slowly exhaled.
"Rachel! Good … you." Was all that Rachel was able to read from his lips, making a quick guess on the full sentence.
"Tom, nice to see you, too," she answered in the hopes of having gotten it right. Before he could continue though, she decided she needed to apologize to him for her hasty and unfriendly brush off at the theater the other day.
"Tom, I … I'm sorry I did not take the time to talk to you the other night. I…"
He waved her apology off in a friendly manner. "Oh, don't worry about it. I…" and the rest of the sentence was lost to her. She remembered that he had the tendency to talk a bit fast when he was engaged in a conversation and the lighting was also not at its best in the small corner they were standing in. This made it hard for her to read his lips.
"Tom. Stop please. Let me finish," she gently interrupted him. Collecting her courage, she then explained: "The reason why I did not want to talk to you that evening was that … I have lost my hearing some months ago in an accident. I guess that must sound strange especially after having seen me attending a musical, but… Anyway, to make a long story short, I had enough going on with just being back at a theater without being able to hear and I was not ready to talk to anyone besides my friend." Rachel noticed how she skirted around the word deaf. It still would not come across her lips easily.
She kept her eyes locked on Tom's handsome face to gauge his reaction, hoping that he would understand why she had acted that way. He seemed perplexed and clearly had to digest the words she had just told him.
"But… musical… understand." He shook his head. Judging from the fragments of words that were readable, Rachel guessed that Tom was wondering how she could watch a musical when she had lost her hearing. He still appeared to be genuinely confused and a little shocked.
She reached out and placed a hand on his forearm. "Tom, maybe we should take a little time so I can explain. But I think here in front of the restrooms is not the best place," she smiled.
Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw someone approaching and was relieved to notice that it was Quinn. Her girlfriend quickly sized up the guy next to her and asked with her hands:
Are you ok?
"Yes, I'm ... fine. Quinn, this is Tom, a colleague from the first musical I played in. I met him shortly when we visited you at the theater last Saturday. Tom, this is Quinn, my girlfriend." Another revelation the poor guy had to digest.
"She plays the part of Minette."
Quinn gracefully extended her hand and introduced herself. "Nice to meet you."
When it was Tom's turn, Quinn interpreted for Rachel.
"I'm Tom, nice to meet you. I really liked your performace in Bohemiens."
"Thank you." Quinn smiled modestly.
Tom's gaze skipped from Quinn's hands to Rachel and back.
"I … have to admit, I am a little shocked at what Rachel just told me. And I am ….um…" he let out a long breath, wiping his hand over his face. "I need a moment to digest this. Please excuse me." He looked at Quinn and shortly nodded at Rachel before he walked off in the direction of his table.
Rachel followed him with her eyes. "Uh, that went well," she then muttered under her breath.
You ok? Quinn wanted to know with a concerned look.
Rachel nodded. "Yeah. I'll go back to our table."
I'm quickly going to use the restroom, ok? After quickly placing a kiss on her girlfriend's lip the blonde dashed off through the door with the lady's sign.
Rachel made her way back to her seat. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed where Tom was sitting with another friend. He lifted his head when she passed by, but did not say anything. As she sat down again Rachel found Kurt and Santana involved in an animated discussion. Rachel did not bother to ask what they were talking about, as her dessert was already waiting for her and she absolutely loved the vegan mousse au chocolate they served at this place. It deserved her total attention.
She was surprised when halfway through someone tapped her on the shoulder. It made her almost drop her spoon in the process. Quinn had come back in the meantime and was also sitting with her back to the direction the person was coming from so she had not been able to warn her girlfriend.
"Sorry," A guilty look crossed Tom's face as he apologized.
Rachel was surprised to see him. He held out a small piece of paper, which she cautiously took.
I am sorry I reacted so insensibly. Do you think we could maybe meet with one of your friends who can translate at the bar for a drink later and you can explain to me what happened?
Rachel quickly looked from the paper to Quinn and back to Tom. Then she nodded.
"Sure. In about half an hour? Would that be ok?"
He looked at his watch and nodded. Then he flinched slightly and looked over his shoulder as someone behind him had dropped a spoon and it clattered onto the plate and from there to the floor with a loud noise. Rachel followed his gaze, and then watched a slightly angry woman trying to rub a soup stain out of her husband's tie. At noticing that he had an audience the man quickyl pulled his tie out of his wife's grasp and smoothed it down over his shirt with his hands, looking a little embarrassed.
Rachel exchanged a quick look with Tom and both had to smile at the scene.
Tom then pointed at the bar with his finger.
"Ok. See you there," Rachel smiled, hoping again that she had adjusted the volume of her voice right so he understood her.
Turning back to Quinn, she pushed the paper over so she could read it and asked almost shyly: "Would you come with me and help me interpret if it is not too much?"
"Sure, Rachel. You don't have to ask! It was nice of him to come back." Quinn answered and signed again at the same time.
"Who was that?" Kurt wanted to know. "He looks yummy, actually."
Santana rolled her eyes. "Kurt, get a grip on yourself, you're getting married soon!"
"So? Who says I can't at least look?"
"Oh that reminds me," Quinn quipped, "Kurt, have you already chosen your music?" the question earned her a soft kick in the calf from her beloved other half who sternly looked at her from the side. Quinn just turned and raised an eyebrow with a look that said, don't worry, I got this.
Kurt smiled knowingly and looked at Rachel. "Yes I have. But it will stay a secret until the very day!" then he finger-spelled the word s-e-c-r-e-t- again in Rachel's direction.
Jesus, Kurt, I got you the first time and I am not saying anything. Believe me. Even though my dearest girlfriend has already tortured me to squeeze the information out of me, Rachel signed back slightly annoyed and threw a glance at Quinn with her last admission.
Have not. Quinn answered.
You have too, Rachel insisted while Kurt translated for Santana.
"Ok, cut it out, you two! Kurt, I knew since I saw you the first time that your secret wedding song is Barry White's You're my first, My Last, My Everyone," Santana stated flatly with a roll of her eyes.
Kurt's jaw fell and Rachel had to bit her cheek in order to not laugh out loud while Quinn elbowed her in the ribs not very softly.
"Ouch, what was that for?" Rachel asked, trying to adjust her voice to the louder surroundings, as her hand was busy rubbing the sore spot.
"You lied to me! You blatantly lied to me!" Quinn was offended as she moved her hands through the air.
"When did I lie to you?" Rachel wanted to know, still covering her rib with one of her hands.
"On the subway! I suggested this song as one of my first, but you said no, I was way off!" Quinn huffed.
"What? You guessed it, too?" Kurt asked, bewildered.
Rachel felt a little guilty after Quinn's comment, and did not noticed Kurt's astonished exclamation. "I promised Kurt that I would not tell. What was I supposed to do?" She tried to explain her girlfriend.
Quinn was still a little offended. "Tell me and then pretend that you never said anything," she delivered signing and speaking again at the same time.
"But then I would have broken my promise!" Rachel exclaimed, letting go of her still smarting ribs.
"No no no, telling your girlfriend such utterly important news is not breaking a promise. It is an important necessity in life," Quinn answered, now having a smile playing around her lips. She rested her hands in her lap as Rachel just rolled her eyes at her indisputable logic.
Kurt waved his hands to get the two women's attention. When they looked at him he signed and hurtfully stated:
"Excuse me for cutting in, but this is about my wedding. So I don't care who the hell told whom what or who didn't. If either of you three," and he looked each of the women in the eye, "tells anyone else about this, most of all Blaine, I will personally end your lives. Is that clear?" He looked again at the three, then added, signing as well again:
"And Santana, I always admired your people-sense, but this is outright creepy. Don't ever go guessing anything about me again." He looked at Rachel and Quinn, pointing his index finger back and for the between them. "Why you also guessed this, is beyond me."
The Latina spread her arms. "Fine. Though your life would be so much easier if I told you a thing or two about yourself, Mr. Hummel."
"Thanks for the offer, but no thanks. Rachel, just in case your girlfriend should deny helping you out with that nice looking fellow because you did not want to break your promise - which I greatly appreciate - I'd be happy to help out." Then he muttered under his breath. "Can't believe all of you guessed my go to wedding song. Can't believe I am that predictable."
"Why don't we all move over to the bar? I could get out of this noise pit for a while and it might be at least a bit quieter at the bar." Santana suggested and threw a smirk in Kurt's direction, having heard what he had mumbled.
"Good idea." You ok with relocating to the bar? Quinn asked Rachel in ASL.
Sure. Rachel agreed with her now free hands again.
They waved at one of the waiters, telling him that they would like re-locate to the bar so he could run the orders from there also on their tab.
How do you want to do it? Shall I interpret or would you like Kurt to do it? Quinn asked before they rose.
"Hm." Rachel got up and answered signing: Maybe I'll just ask Tom if he would be all right to write his part of the conversation down. Than I don't have to bother either of you.
Rachel, this is no bother! Quinn answered vehemently, making her point while they walked down in the direction of the bar.
Ok. I get it. But it is still hard for me to ask for help. It always costs me quite an effort to do so. And to accept it. The petite woman signed back, not wanting to get into a verbal argument in the middle of the restaurant with others overhearing. Then again, their signing caught even more of the attention of some of the guests and Rachel hurried towards the bar.
They found a high table a little to the side where the room shaped into the short end of an L. This helped in regards to the noise, it was quieter in there.
Rachel could not remember how the acoustics there were, she had not been at the bar area before. "How is the noise level here? Is it better?" she asked Quinn in a low voice.
Yes, you can at least hear what the other person is saying here. I don't know how the waiters can stand it all night long.
"Well, I guess since they are moving around it won't be as bad as staying at one point all the time."
As Rachel sat with her back to the bar and the restaurant in her view, she noticed Tom's approach and smiled at him.
"Hi, Tom." Rachel quickly introduced him to the rest of her friends.
"Quinn, nice to see you again. I'm sorry I reacted so gruffly when we met earlier. I was really impressed by your performance the other day, by the way."
Rachel noticed how Kurt hung on Tom's lips and was hardly able to sign while he and Quinn shortly exchanged pleasantries. She tapped him on the arm and signed as well.
Kurt, focus!
I am! I am!
Right, on the abs he is hiding below his shirt or what? You just told me he had nice hips. Not sure if that was intended and I don't think Quinn complimented him on that.
Her friend looked a little embarrassed.
No. Sorry. Anyway, he was commenting your girlfriend's performanc and asked her for her favorite scene. And she just answered him that she enjoyed the market scenes the most, because of the interaction between all the different characters.
"Thank you, Kurt."
This was one of the moments that Rachel hated. She did not want to have to ask her friends for help. Especially not if they had better things to do, like stare at other people and get a dreamy look on their faces. Besides, Kurt and Quinn had been interpreting for her the whole evening. She could not ask them to continue doing it and felt shy about it all of a sudden. Quinn seemed to notice the unease on Rachel's face as she turned her attention back to her girlfriend and made a suggestion.
How about you and Tom take a quiet table and I'll join you in a while? This way, you two can talk in private first and maybe I can help out interpreting later if you need me at all. Would that be ok for you?
Rachel smiled gratefully. Yes. Good idea. Then she turned to her other friends.
"If you will excuse us, Tom and I have some catching up to do." She hopped off the bar stool and settled with Tom on the table next to them.
"I hope this is ok for you. Quinn will join us in a little while to help interpret. Until then, maybe you can help me by either speaking clearly and not so fast, using short sentences or writing down what you want to say."
Tom nodded. "Can you read lips?" He then asked, looking at her directly, pointing towards his mouth while he posed the question.
Rachel nodded. "Yes. A little bit. I'm still learning."
Tom studied her for a moment. "So what happened? I still don't understand and I have to wrap my mind around it."
Rachel felt the unease rise in her. She had understood the first part, but the second was already lost to her. She hated it if she had to ask for someone to repeat what they were saying. It made her feel stupid and awkward. She knew she should not feel like that, but she just could not help it.
"You asked what happened?" She clarified. When Tom inclined his head, she told him about the accident, the time afterwards and what her prognosis was.
He was clearly shocked. Tom took up a pen and let it hover over the paper for a moment.
Rachel was grateful that he considered to write his comments. This would make it easier to understand for her.
Rachel, I honestly don't know what to say. I can't imagine you not being on stage. I can't imagine you not being able to sing. I know I should not say that, but that's how I feel.
What will you do now? Do you have any plans for the future? Well, maybe it is too early yet. And sorry for prying.
"It's ok. No, I have no concrete plans yet. I just wish…" she stopped herself, feeling self-conscious voicing her inner most dream to an almost stranger. Well, not a real stranger but someone she was not really close with.
He curiously looked at her. "What?" And the friendly and encouraging smile helped Rachel to push her thoughts out.
"I just wish I could still act, if not sing anymore. I'd love to stay in the business," she then shyly admitted and looked at her hands.
Tom contemplated this for a while. He could see the urge that lay behind the words, and knowing where Rachel was coming from, he could more than understand this wish. But he also saw the restrictions and boundaries that would make this a very tough road to travel for his ex-colleague. Not because of her own reasons, but because of the obstacles that the whole business world would throw into her path. Most of them would probably not even consider her situation at least for a second. Simply speaking, it would just complicate things too much if people, be it directors, co-actors, producers, did not want to be bothered and did not see the benefit behind it.
God, he hated this. He hated that so often any piece of individuality was stripped away until you were fitted into someone's expectations. If you did not fit or did not want to be molded into the perfect image of someone else's idea, another actor or singer would certainly slip into the Cinderella shoe and somehow make it fit, no matter if it belonged to them or not.
He felt Rachel's hand on his forearm and the gentle touch pulled him back into reality.
"What's the long face for?" She inquired. "I know my wish is crazy. And I know it's not likely to ever turn it into reality. I know I had my voice as the ticket to Broadway, but I don't have anything now."
No, that's not what I was thinking. Just having some thoughts on the general business ethics.
"Hm. General business ethics? That doesn't sound enthusiastic. What do you do now? Are you working on Bohemians as well?"
Again he wrote his answer down, understanding the difficulty of having to read a long explanation from his lips. No. I am currently in between engagements. I got an offer for Bohemians. I heard the lead who plays Antoine might leave, but I don't feel like I want to be pressed into that schedule again. I have some ideas of my own. I'd like to push my own projects.
"Oh, that sounds interesting. Care to tell me what kind of ideas you have?" Rachel was curious as to how someone would deny the offer of a lead role in a play on Broadway, besides having the most gorgeous woman on earth playing the counterpart.
Well, I'm just rolling some ideas around in my head. I've nothing concrete yet. But when they shape up, I'd like to run them by you, if you're willing to be my sparring partner. I have always liked your ideas in A tale to tell on how to improve some of the scenes we were in together. Maybe you can help me out. If that's not too much to ask.
Tom turned the paper and closely watched Rachel as she read his words. It was clearly nothing she had expected and the astonished look on her face said as much.
He chuckled. "Surprised?" He then simply asked.
"Yeah, you could say that! Declining the lead role in a great play on Broadway, wow, these must be some big ideas you have." She paused for a moment and watched her ex-colleague nod. "But I would very much like to give you my opinion on your ideas, if you think I can be of help," she then offered with a genuine smile.
Tom's face lit up at her words. "Wow, thanks, that's great! Really, it means a lot to me! 'Cause I want someone who is fresh, who is not stuck in this business too long, someone who still knows a bit how things are done but who dares to look at things from a different angle…"
"Tom, please stop. Not so fast. You lost me way back there." Rachel interrupted him.
He took up the pen.
Sorry. Hearing you answer me always tempts me to answer right back. It is hard to believe you cannot hear me if you keep speaking to me.
He then wrote down what he had told her before.
Rachel shortly contemplated his first sentence. Interesting. That was in a way what Sharon had accused her of. Apparently being able to speak, but not being able to hear did not seem to fit in people's minds. On one hand, she was lucky to still be able to articulate herself so well, but on the other hand it seemed to make it so much more difficult for people to understand that she could not hear. She focused back onto his second explanation and was genuinely pleased that he would like her opinion.
"Great, I'm looking forward to hearing what you are planning!" She noticed him looking behind her and turned. Quinn came over and placed a hand on the small of her back before she spoke and signed at the same time.
"You two doing ok?"
Rachel nodded. "Can I tell her? About the role, I mean," she then asked Tom.
"Sure," he shrugged.
"Tell me what?" Quinn was curiously looking from Tom to Rachel.
"He might have become your new partner on stage. He had been offered the role of Antoine."
"Oh really? But why might?"
Tom decided to explain, and actually regretted that he had turned down the offer a little, now that he had gotten to know Quinn in person. He had seen pictures before and had also seen her perform on stage, but it was different seeing her up close and realizing that she was actually a very nice person.
While he spoke, he was fascinated while watching her transform his words into signs for Rachel.
Once Rachel signed back in what seemed like a question to clarify something. It was quite intriguing to watch how their hands moved through the air and how their different shapes and positions could deliver a complete conversation.
Still, he figured, Rachel must miss a lot of things. He tried to imagine how it must feel to be in this restaurant without hearing all the background noises and failed miserably.
He was startled out of his thoughts when Quinn waved her hand in front of him.
"Hey, where did we lose you to?"
Tom smiled apologetically. "Sorry, lost in thoughts."
"Yeah, I saw that," Quinn laughed. Then she turned towards Rachel. "You want something else to drink or are you ok if we get the check?"
"No, I'm fine, you?" She looked at the other guy.
"No, I'm good. I should probably head home too. Need to walk my dog. She is probably already waiting for me."
"Oh, you still got the Australian Shepherd? What was her name? Nellie?" He nodded and Rachel's smiled widened. "Aw, she is so cute and so beautiful, Quinn. All gray and white with really stunning light blue eyes. She's so shy, it took her a while to not be afraid of me. But after some time she trusted me and let me pet and cuddle her. Tom used to bring her to the theater. I sometimes wondered how she still had fur on her from all the petting she received from all us actors."
Quinn chuckled. "I wish I had a dog too. But it would not be fair to drag it all across town with my schedule," she sighed. "Anyway, I'll get the check. It was nice talking to you Tom, and if you change your mind about the role, you would be very welcome," she graciously offered with a dazzling smile. With a small kiss on Rachel's cheek, she got back to her friends to settle the tab.
Wow, you are one lucky woman. Next time, tell me how you managed to snatch her off the market, Tom commented on the sheet.
Rachel laughed. "Oh god, that is a looooong story."
Good, I like stories. Next time, you're on! And he playfully held the pen and paper up in a pose, ready to start taking notes.
"Hey, don't turn it into a musical, promise!" Rachel teased.
Who knows, if it's a good story it might sell, he grinned and was rewarded with a small slap on his arm for that comment.
"Creep. Don't even think about it. See that Latina behind us?
The one that is watching us with that look on her face who was with you at the theater the other night? She your bodyguard or something? He joked.
"Ha! That's a good one! Anyway, she is kind of protective of me, so is Quinn, so you better watch it!" Rachel answered, still smiling.
Tom looked at her speculatively. And why would that be? Any particular reason or just because of what happened to you?
Rachel sobered. "Uh, well, maybe a bit of both." She did not want to tell him about Sharon, not wanting to give that woman any more airtime in her life. Though she wondered if they were going to see any more pictures of themselves online the next day. Noticing her friends were getting the waiter to grab their jackets, she slowly slipped off the bar stool and stood next to the table with one hand lightly resting on the surface.
"Tom, it was nice seeing you again. And thank you for finding the courage to come back." She smiled.
The handsome guy bent down and gave her a light hug.
"Thank you for letting me know about what made you react that way on Saturday. Let us keep in touch, ok?"
Kurt had stepped up with Rachel's coat and noticed Rachel's questioning expression. He quickly signed Tom's answer, earning himself a small thanks and a grateful look from his friend. She wished she was better at reading lips that at least such small exchanges would not have to be translated for her.
"Wait, I'll give you my e-mail address so we can stay in contact." Tom quickly scribbled it on a napkin and handed it to Rachel. "Have a nice evening!"
"See you," Rachel answered and followed her friends, who had pointed towards the door and had already started making their way towards the exit.
Rachel hurried after them, when someone pulled at her coat as she passed a table.
She stopped and looked around. It was another one of her former cast members from Funny Girl. Rachel froze, quickly looking how far her friends were. Quinn turned shortly before the door to check where her girlfriend was. Seeing her in the somewhat compromising situation made her turn around and come back.
Noticing her approach, Rachel let out a relieved sigh and turned towards the other woman at the table, who had stood up already.
"Hi Anna, how are you? Good to see you," she quickly mustered with a smile as she hugged her, noticing the curious look from the man that sat with her at the table.
Anna pulled back and let her look wander between Rachel and Quinn. Resting her eyes on Rachel, she said something and Quinn waited until she saw Rachel silently asking for a translation before she interpreted the words.
"Rachel, good to see you. I … noticed you before, sitting on the other table. I … um, am just glad to see you again! I heard about your accident and I was wondering… well, maybe you'd like to meet so we could talk a little more in private." She sensed that Rachel was not comfortable standing in the middle of the restaurant, being exposed to the rest of the tenants.
Rachel nodded. "Sorry that I have been so reclusive over the past few months. But as you can guess it has not been really easy for me. But I promise I will write to you." She sent a genuine smile at her former co-star.
"That would be nice. It was good seeing you gain, Rachel. I really mean it." And she bent forward to give Rachel another hug before the petite woman waved and moved away.
Outside, she let out a long breath. Then she tugged at Quinn's sleeve. "Thank you for coming back. I had no idea how to react, standing there in the middle of the restaurant."
Quinn slung an arm around her shoulders and pulled her girlfriend close, placing a kiss on the top of her head.
Kurt turned to her smiling. So, how did you survive the evening? He asked her silently.
"Ok, I guess. It was harder than I thought, but still, I got to meet two old colleagues and that turned out to be quite nice, besides having a nice evening with you three." She glanced around. "Thank you for doing this and sacrificing your evening for me."
"Come on, Berry, that is what friends are for! Besides, enjoying nice food while spending an evening with friends is hardly a sacrifice," Santana retorted.
"Right," Kurt agreed. "Well ladies, let's get us all home."
They hugged Kurt goodbye, who had a slightly thoughtful expression on his face. He hailed the first cab that passed, offering it to the ladies. But they waved him off, opting to take the next one.
"Can't have you standing on the street all by yourself, Kurt. Wouldn't feel right us being three and you are alone," Rachel teased.
Kurt quickly raised his hands to sign and called back:
"Well, as they say, "ladies first"!" And he slid into the car. Rachel and Quinn's laughter followed him while he only heard a snort from Santana.
When the next yellow taxi stopped, Santana courteously held the door for her friends. "Well, if the lady already left, then it leaves us being the gentlemen, I guess." And she waved Quinn and Rachel inside, scooting in last.
During the drive home Santana pulled out her phone and checked her messages.
"Fuck," she groaned. "Of course that creep had to schedule another lesson tomorrow morning."
She watched Quinn interpret, then she looked at Rachel who sat in the middle.
"Did she also translate "fuck"? The Latina then asked curiously.
Rachel managed to read the last two words from her lips despite the dim light and laughed. "Yes, she did, Santana."
"Cool." That also did not need a translation.
"Why?"
"It would be so cool if I could swear at that stupid asshole and he had no idea of what I was saying to him," she explained, refering to her client they had discussed over dinner, who had asked for an extra training hour very early the next day. She waited until Quinn had interpreted and when she showed Rachel the text message she had received earlier, the petite woman understood the comment.
Santana typed some words into her phone. Quinn looked over the brunette's shoulder to read what her friend had written.
Rachel, you've got to teach me sign language, at least the swear words, please!
Rachel chuckled. "Oh, just so you can insult other people without them knowing? Where's the fun in that?"
Santana looked sheepishly at her and typed her response again.
Well, no, not just because of that. It would be kinda nice to talk to you without having someone to interpret all the time, she admitted.
Though the other reason is of course not less important!
"Of course not!" Rachel stated with a smirk, but was secretly pleased about Santana's willingness to learn sign language. They agreed to find a regular schedule that would fit Santana's busy working hours.
Quinn suggested she contacted Carmen as well, but Santana preferred to learn the basics from Rachel first.
Whichever way, the blond was glad that her friend had decided to learn to sign in order to communicate better and more directly with Rachel. Quinn knew that the original motivation - to learn swear words - was just typical Santana fashion, not wanting to come across as too soft and show directly how much she cared about Rachel and their friendship.
... ... ...
At home, all three women got ready for bed quickly.
Quinn lay facing Rachel and gazed into her beautiful, large brown eyes. Before she could say anything, Rachel spoke softly.
"What is on your mind?"
Slowly Quinn lifted her hands.
I just wanted to know how you are feeling. I know I keep asking that a lot lately, but I was really short of taking you home today when I noticed you panicking at the restaurant. I wish I could make all of this easier for you. I feel so useless sometimes. I feel like I'm not doing enough, I'm not supporting you enough, I'm not protecting you enough, I'm not…" despite herself she felt tears trailing down her face. "I always feel like I fail you in these situations," she managed before Rachel gently placed two fingers on Quinn's lips in a symbolic gesture to still the stream of words she was forming with her hands.
"It's ok, Quinn, shhhh. Come here," and she pulled her girlfriend closer to wrap her arms around her in a protective embrace. Rachel had not realized under how much pressure Quinn put herself just to accommodate her, to try and make her feel comfortable in all these situations.
"Don't do this to yourself, Quinn. Please stop this. Don't ever – ever – doubt yourself. Don't ever think that you are not supporting me enough or that you are failing me! I don't know where that thought is coming from." She felt Quinn press herself harder into her embrace.
Then it dawned on Rachel that the whole situation with her being deaf must have taken a greater toll on Quinn than she had originally thought. They had talked about how it had influenced her in several aspects before. Just as Rachel had to go through the whole process and experiences, Quinn had to do the same, even though she experienced it from a different angle. But Rachel had thought that by now it would have become much easier for Quinn. She was surprised that apparently her girlfriend had to learn to deal with these situations just as much as she had to and nothing was less important or less difficult to go through for Quinn.
"Quinn, I am sorry that I underestimated how much this also costs you to go through with me. I guess I didn't realize that even though I'm the one who can't hear, it still affects you to a great extent as well."
I just wish, I wished… if I could, I would give you my hearing. I really would! Quinn answered with emphasis before she leaned into Rachel again.
The petite woman raked her fingers through the blond locks, letting the words sink in. Softly she asked: "Do you still feel guilty?"
First, there was no reaction. Quinn had buried her head at Rachel's chest, pressing her hot, wet face against the soft fabric of her girlfriend's pajama top. Then the brunette felt her head nod against her body.
Softly Rachel pulled Quinn's head back to look her in the eyes. "Why Quinn? Why on god's earth do you feel guilty for being able to hear? I told you before that this is not helping either of us. Remember? After we danced to that German song I showed you." Quinn moved her head slowly up and down. Of course she remembered. When Rachel found the hazel eyes again, she added "You did not cause my accident; neither did you cause all these things I'm going through!"
But I did! Because of me, you landed in that stupid subway. Because of me, Santana dragged you into the theater. Because of me …
"Quinn, stop it now!" Rachel demanded adamantly. "What makes you believe that, honey? Please don't think you're still that person you were in high school, causing all these unpleasant situations for me. You are not that Quinn anymore!"
But I still feel like that sometimes. I see you suffer and somehow I think it's because of me.
Rachel opened her mouth and closed it again. It astonished and hurt her to see how much Quinn was still hurting from her own behaviour in the past. It wasn't just that Quinn felt guilty for still being able to hear. The whole guilt feeling also tied back to the time in high school and at that moment Rachel understood.
Quinn just felt the same, because again she was in a more favorable situation compared to Rachel. Had she been the Queen Bee at McKinley, admired by everyone, always the center of attention. Rachel had been the outcast, often made fun of and had been the Slushie target more times than she could count. Again, now Quinn had everything. While she was the star on Broadway living a dream life, Rachel had to give up everything she once loved, being the outcast again after having fought so hard for her dream to come true.
Rachel closed her eyes as this realization hit her and whispered "Oh my god." She pressed Quinn against her and held her for a long moment. "Quinn, don't hate the person you have become now. I have told you before, that is not who I see when I look at you. Please, don't see yourself that way either, Quinn."
Rachel gently placed a kiss on the top of Quinn's head and then looked at her. When she noticed that her words had not quite convinced her, she tried to explain it in a different way while Quinn pressed her face again against Rachel's chest for comfort once more.
"Just because I have to face all these situations that are so hard to go through for me, does not mean that you have to feel guilty for being one of those people who can still go through life normally. And please stop comparing our situation now to the one at high school, …" at that Quinn's head jerked up. Rachel seemed to have struck a chord and she continued talking. "…it will not help me getting my hearing back. But you being there in those situations, supporting me, loving me and accepting me and my limitations helps me immensely, Quinn."
Rachel searched her lover's face before she continued softly:
"I'm sorry if I haven't told you more often how much you mean to me, how much your support means to me, how much it helps me to get through each day. Every time I feel like I get jitters when I'm thinking about facing a new situation, it helps to know that I am not alone. That there is always someone who stands by me and who I can talk to. I know I am rambling, but I have not finished," Rachel stated and felt a small chuckle against her body from Quinn.
There comes the old Rachel, Quinn smiled bravely. I missed her a bit, I have to say, she then added.
Rachel emitted a small laugh, but did not let herself be deterred from what she wanted to say.
"I'm sorry for not realizing how much all this must cost you. It must drain you almost as much as it drains me. But please don't suck it all up. Talk to me. Tell me. Let me know how you feel, even if you think it might hurt me. But I don't want you to suffer in silence on my behalf. This is not your burden to carry. Don't bottle everything up until it becomes too hard to bear."
She placed a tender kiss on Quinn's lips, wiping the teas away that had begun to fall again.
"Promise me to talk about this in the future right away? Promise me to not swallow things out of false pride?" Rachel asked with an intense look in her eyes.
The blonde had no choice other than to meet her gaze. She felt all the care and earnestness behind Rachel's words.
Quinn had indeed felt guilty. She did not know how to voice that feeling, but Rachel had given it the appropriate name.
The blonde woman felt very guilty to still be able to hear, to do her job and to enjoy her life, while the most basic things had become an obstacle for Rachel. There were so many situations she had to learn to deal with in a different way.
Loving someone as much as she loved Rachel made it hard to having to watch her struggle, not being able to do anything to help. At least it felt that way.
But hearing that whatever she was doing did help Rachel relieved Quinn immensely. It did not completely lift the guilt factor. Maybe that would happen over time, but at least it made it a bit easier to carry.
She bravely managed a shaky smile and nodded against Rachel's hands that still cupped her face.
"Ok. I'll try," she sniffed, easing herself into the embrace again, feeling secure and loved with Rachel's arms around her. Snuggling closer, she pressed one side of her face against Rachel's chest and succumbed to the soothing strokes of her lover's hands on her back, giving in to the waves of sleep that washed over her.
Her last thought was that it was funny how they so often seemed to reverse their roles. It was Rachel who had needed some comforting and support the other night, now it was her who drew strength and comfort from her girlfriend.
It was a perfect balance, Quinn realized as she drifted off.