Don't own Glee or its characters.
This one's rated M. Just to be sure.
Sorry guys for the long wait! But I have been busy in the meantime with further chapters and with correcting some mistakes in the old ones.
Many many thanks to Sole's stories for beta reading this chapteras well, you always provide good and honest input!
CoffeeShopLoner: Thank you for those nice words! And yes, life is treating me fairly well. I hope the same for you, too!
aquarius 127: Sooooo, sleepy Quinn? ;-)
Thank you all so much for your reviews and follows. You help to keep this story alive!
Chapter 35
The next morning Quinn was woken up by the nice smell of coffee wafting under her nose. Slowly she stretched and inhaled deeply.
Cracking her eyes open, she found Rachel sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a cup for her. Slowly and with adorable mussed hair, as Rachel thought, Quinn propped herself up on her elbows.
Rachel smiled at her sleepy lover. "Morning, darling! Before any of our stomachs start grumbling, disturbing any romantic moment we might have, can I suggest breakfast in bed?" And she placed the cup in Quinn's outstretched hand, then bent down to retrieve a fully loaded tray from the floor.
"Wow!" Quinn's eyes became big when she saw the nicely decorated plates, one even with an omelet and bacon. Quickly she placed the cup on the nightstand after having taken a quick sip. She sat up fully and cupped Rachel's face, looking lovingly at her. Then she pulled back an signed:
Good morning, my love! This looks nice! What did I do to deserve this?
Rachel cocked her head, soaking up the sight in front of her. "Mmmm, I'd say by coming here last night and not letting me sleep by myself."
Lucky me! I missed you, I wanted to wake up next to you. Quinn signed and looked at her girlfriend from under her lashes.
"I missed you, too, and I am glad I could fall asleep with you in my arms last night. And wake up next to you. And that I can cuddle with you now again! Hold the tray for a second so I can scoot in next to you." Rachel held out the food, which Quinn eagerly took.
Making themselves comfortable, they fed each other little bites of toast, fruits and kisses in between after Quinn had polished off her eggs.
Rachel decided the little pieces of apple tasted best when picked up with her lips from Quinn's stomach. The blonde had laid a little trail from her navel up to her breasts and her girlfriend was more than eager to follow the bait. Slowly the brunette nibbled her way up until her lips cupped one of Quinn's pink nipples, and the brunette started to suck at it softly. She felt her lover arch her body against her, showing her that she wanted more. Much more.
Looking up, she found the hazel eyes gazing at her intently and Rachel moved a little to continue her lip work on Quinn's mouth. Their tongues met and toyed with each other, exchanging hot and passionate kisses. At one point Quinn rolled them over so that Rachel was lying on her back. The blonde pushed her lover's pajama shirt up until it revealed gloriously naked tanned skin. She reached out and grabbed the honey glass from the night stand, letting the golden liquid drop on the warm, exposed flesh.
Rachel's stomach muscles involuntarily contracted every time a cool droplet of the sweet stickiness fell down. After what must have felt like one thousand drops, Quinn placed the honey back on the tray and bent over Rachel with a gleam in her eyes.
Slowly, very slowly, she began to kiss off each of the droplets while massaging Rachel's breasts softly with her hands. Quinn felt her girlfriend move under her touch and noticed the brunette's breathing getting more and more ragged. A low moan escaped Rachel's lips.
"Mmmh, Quinn! You. Are. Driving. Me. Nuts." Rachel managed between breaths, writhing even more under the tender hands, lips and tongue.
At one point the blonde tugged on the pajama pants that Rachel was still wearing and helped her shimmy out of the garment, only to follow suite with her own. The tops were discarded as well.
Quinn smiled mischievously and thrust her thigh between Rachel's already spread legs. Slowly she started to move it a little up and down, the friction causing Rachel to emit an involuntary gasp. The brunette had a second to wonder about Quinn's acrobatic talents to place all her limbs at all the right spots on her body at once, before her rising arousal drowned any coherent thought. She felt Quinn's hands on her breast and her mouth on her lips; she could not hold back the sounds of pleasure. She rocked her hips against Quinn's thigh and the slow rocking motion sent hot flashes through her body.
In a husky voice Rachel whispered: "I want to feel you."
And Quinn was happy to oblige. She dipped her fingers into the wetness that had accumulated between her girlfriend's folds and watched Rachel's eyes flutter shut at the sensation. The hot flesh pulsed around her fingers as she slowly moved them back and forth, while Rachel thrust her hips against her. The brown locks spread out on the pillow under her girlfriend's head as if setting a frame for the beautiful face that rested in the dark waves with a look of absolute bliss on its features. Seeing this gorgeous woman getting close to the edge under her hands filled Quinn's heart with such love that she almost felt she must burst.
"God, Rachel I love you so much, you're the most beautiful woman on earth." Knowing that her lover would not hear those words, she nevertheless had to let them out. "I love you so much, Rachel!" She smiled when she felt Rachel's hand grip her arm, sqeezing it hard.
"Quinn, oh god Quinn, don't stop, please, don't… stop!" Everytime Quinn heard Rachel say her name with that husky voice so full of need and desire it seemed like the most beautiful gift for the blonde.
Quinn absolutely loved watching her lover come undone under her hands, she loved how Rachel lost every last bit of control and let herself be tasted, probed, nipped and be driven over the edge.
When Rachel came back to her senses, Quinn lowered her taller, willowy frame slowly onto Rachel's, careful to leave her some room to breathe.
Feeling the warm skin on her own let Quinn's pulse accelerate. Their eyes locked and for a moment both women were lost in each other's gaze. Unspoken words passed between them, transmitted only through their eyes and the close body touch. Quinn felt like she was seeing her whole world in those eyes, she drowned in the brown pools and never wanted to surface again. She had never felt more at home, more at peace and more whole then when gazing into those eyes, seeing the same love, the same feelings she felt reflected back.
Quinn lowered her body until it covered Rachel's completely. Then she wrapped her arms around the smaller frame and hid her face in the crook of her girlfriend's neck. She rolled slightly to one side, taking the other body with her, pressing the brunette even harder against herself. Quinn felt Rachel's arms tighten their embrace in unison, both women trying to get even closer to each other, trying to melt into one person. They held each other for a long while, before Quinn slowly moved them back into their former position. Kissing Rachel first softly, then more passionately, the blonde lifted herself up again, took Rachel's hands and spread her arms wide on the bed. The movement exposed the brunette's beautiful breasts even more and the round mounds stretched alluringly towards her with that movement. Slowly she kissed her way down from Rachel's lips over her throat, down her left shoulder to the crook of her elbow, where she lingered for a moment, paying this sensitive spot special attention.
Rachel shuddered and managed to croak: "No teasing, Quinn, pleeeeease."
Quinn chuckled and with on last little nip at the soft flesh she moved closer to Rachel's center, but not without stopping to give her breasts the deserved attention. Before reaching her most sensitive area, the blonde stopped with her lips at one little spot she had overlooked before and teasingly licked off the honey with the tip of her tongue. From there she nipped her way further down until her lips closed over the pulsing little nub between Rachel's legs. She kept sucking at it, causing her lover to moan even more, her hands flailing across the bed sheet, blindly searching for anything she could hold on to. Quinn extended one of her hands and Rachel gripped it, entwining her fingers with her girlfriend's. It seemed like the additional physical touch was something that Rachel needed to make up for not being able to have an auditory connection with her lover.
The blond let her tongue dip deeper, testing the wet fold. Then she wandered up again to slowly suck at the little tender spot above the throbbing flesh. Rachel exhaled deeply, only to take in another shaky breath, almost whimpering as she felt Quinn then enter with her tongue again.
Slowly she started to move her hips, thrusting herself against Quinn's finger, until the blonde slipped in a second one.
"Oh Quinn, god, don't stop. Please, don't ever stop," the brunette gasped and moved faster. Quinn kept up with the rhythm and then pressed the thumb of her hand on her lover's clitoris, stimulating Rachel even further until she felt a shudder race through her lover's body, feeling her gripping her hand even harder and letting out a long groan.
Once Rachel slumped down and let go of Quinn's hand, Quinn emerged between her lovers' legs with a smug grin on her face. Cat like she crawled up to face her girlfriend who was lying dazed on the mattress with a dreamy look in her eyes.
"Hello gorgeous, want to come back to this world?" she coaxed Rachel softly speaking and signing and placed small kisses on the soft skin of her cheeks.
"Hmhm," Rachel managed to counter weakly, still not being able to move.
Quinn chuckled and propped herself on her elbow next to her still sedated lover, letting her left index finger lazily crawl down her girlfriend's chest, only to stop at her breasts to twirl little circles around the nipples.
"Mhmmm, Quinn, that won't help getting me back to my senses," Rachel replied, her voice still trembling.
Quinn decided to not comment and continued her exploration, watching the slender body next to her react instantly to her touch. She could go on for hours without ever wanting anything more. She loved this woman by her side so much that every little fiber of her being thrummed and vibrated with the emotion.
She bent down and nuzzled Rachel's throat gently. Rachel lifted a hand and started playing with a strand of Quinn's hair. Then she reached a little lower and lifted Quinn's chin so she could look at her.
I love you, Rachel mouthed and watched Quinn's eyes skip down to her lips. I love you so much, she added without raising her voice and thereupon saw a smile spread across the other woman's face. The blond lowered her head and stole a tender kiss from Rachel's lips.
"You stole my words," Quinn said softly and then smiled.
"I stole your words?" Rachel asked to ensure that she had understood it correctly.
Quinn nodded.
"What now, do you want me to give them back to you?" the brunette teased.
Quinn nodded again and held out a hand. Rachel laughed. "Um, you know, maybe I'll give you something else instead." And she gently pushed Quinn down until she lay on her stomach. Then she began to massage her shoulders, softly kneading her way down her back. She felt Quinn groan under her fingers whenever she worked on a particular tight little muscle. But under her soothing movements, her girlfriend managed to relax.
At one point, Quinn felt Rachel draw something with her finger on her back. She had to concentrate to figure out what it was she was writing. When she realized she had to laugh.
"I love you, Rachel, with all my heart!?" she exclaimed without signing and turned her head to look at her girlfriend.
"Oh you do? That's so sweet!" Rachel stated feigning innocence.
Quinn smiled. "Very clever, Miss Berry."
"See, I gave you back your words. That's what you wanted, wasn't it?" The blonde received as an answer with a teasing grin.
Quinn groaned and sat up, pulling the brunette into her lap. "Sometime you are just too much, you know that?" she asked laughing and when she noticed Rachel's questioning look, she repeated her words in ASL.
"Uh, I'm nothing you can't handle," was Rachel's confident answer. "Lay back down that I can finish what I have started," she told Quinn.
But the blonde shook her head and signed: You know what, I'd like to lie down, but hold you for a moment. I need to feel you in my arms.
The brunette raised an eyebrow in question, but conceded to her girlfriend's wishes, after reassuring herself that everything was ok.
Yes, everything is fine, Rachel. I just need to hold you for a while. I really do love you with all my heart and if I can't hold you right now I have the feeling my heart will explode, she explained with a smile.
"Oh my, can't have that!" With that Rachel lay down next to Quinn and snuggled closer so the taller woman could wrap her arms around her.
As they lay like that for a while, stroking each other softly with their fingers, Rachel wondered if Quinn would address her at some point about what she had told her the night before. When nothing came from Quinn, she probed a little.
"Have you been home long before I came?"
Quinn crunched her eyebrows, trying to recall the timings. Rachel leaned back a bit to better read the signs.
Don't remember exactly. Maybe an hour or so. Why?
"Just asking. Had I known you were here, I'd have come home earlier."
It's ok, Rachel, don't worry. You had fun with Kurt? What'd you do? Quinn asked curiously.
Rachel looked at girlfriend's innocent face, then closed her eyes, shook her head and chuckled softly.
"You don't remember, do you?" Rachel asked, torn between disappointment and relief.
Quinn raised one eyebrow. Remember what?
"Nothing. Nothing important. We had a little conversation, but you were half asleep."
"Oh." A pause, more thinking. I can't remember. What did we talk about?
Rachel smiled. "That I was surprised to see you and you asked me if I had fun."
Oh. Sorry. I really can't remember. Did I say anything else? God, hopefully I didn't spill any secrets, Quinn joked.
No, Rachel thought. I did. But you don't remember.
Quinn cocked her head and watched her girlfriend. It seemed like she wanted to say something more.
But Rachel could not work up the courage anymore to tell Quinn what she had done. And again, she could not explain to herself why. Why of all people was it the hardest to tell the person she loved the most? Maybe she was afraid of raising expectations or to disappoint Quinn for not wanting to sing for her. Rachel knew how much Quinn loved her voice and that made it just so much harder to tell her about the singing. Because Rachel knew, she would probably not do it again. It would have been like dangling a precious gift in front of someone only to tell them that they would never receive it.
"Hm, you told me about my Christmas present," Rachel then said earnestly which made Quinn pause for a moment. Then the blonde slapped her girlfriend on the arm.
I did not! You almost had me there, Rachel.
Rachel laughed and a second later sneezed twice. Quinn looked at her with a worried expression.
Honey, are you feeling all right?
"Yes, why? I just sneezed."
Your voice sounds a bit hoarse, too. You sure you're ok? You sound like you are getting a cold.
"Really?"
Rachel felt fine, besides, being told by her girlfriend that her voice sounded strange. She wondered if it might have been some lingering effect of her singing the other night. After all, she hadn't done it for a long time and had not warmed up properly either. Or – and that thought she liked even less – it was indeed happening that she very slowly started to lose some of her ability to inflect her voice. Then again, if she had managed to sing as well as Kurt had claimed, this current change in her voice probably did not come in lack of control.
She shook her head. That was nothing she wanted to think about. So she put on a brave face and added:
"No, I am fine, honestly. It is probably nothing."
… … …
The 'nothing' turned into a full-fledged cold over the next day.
It relieved Rachel somewhat, that what Quinn had heard in her voice was just due to the cold, but she absolutely hated getting sick.
"Do I sound hoarse when I am talking?" Rachel asked over breakfast where she forced herself to nibble on a small bite of toast at least. She absolutely had no appetite and her whole body ached.
Quinn was surprised. Why do you ask?
"Cause if feels weird in my throat. Usually, I feel the vibrations in my throat and chest when I talk. But now I need a lot more strength to get that same feeling. How does my voice sound?" She asked with a concerned look at Quinn.
Quinn understood that this must be absolutely confusing, feeling a difference in the voice and in the effort it took to say something; but not being able to judge how it sounded.
Yes, you sound hoarse. Your voice cracks. I think you should go see a doctor. Especially, and she placed her hand at Rachel's forehead, since you seem to run a fever. So why don't you make an appointment at your ENT specialist?
"No, this has nothing to do with my ears; it's just a cold, like you said, so a GP would be more than adequate to help."
Quinn sensed that it would lead nowhere if she pressed that topic any further. Getting the phone number from Rachel, she made the call at the practice and managed to get an appointment the same day later in the morning.
You want me to come with you? She asked with a concerned looked pale and had dark circles under her eyes.
"Ugh, this is so annoying. I never get sick. Guess I should have stayed away from Blaine." Rachel stated ignoring Quinn's question.
Blaine? Was he home as well? I thought he was working. Quinn was confused.
"Yeah, he was, but he had to go home early because he couldn't finish the play anymore."
Wow, that's tough. Why didn't you stay away from him?
Rachel shrugged. "He wanted to talk to me and so I went to see him in the bedroom. To talk, I mean. He went straight to bed when he came home. Kurt literally stuffed him into bed. Anyway, I really didn't think I'd catch a cold."
Well, let's see what the doctor says. I'm coming with you, Quinn decided after not having received an answer from her girlfriend on her earlier question.
"Maybe you should go home and stay away from me for a while; otherwise you might also catch a cold." She cleared her throat twice before continuing. "And so close to Christmas with your concert and all I don't want you to get sick as well!" But it would be hard to see Quinn leave, Rachel admitted to herself. Though she did not want to be so selfish and ask her to stay and expose herself even more to her germs.
No! You don't think I'll leave my sick girlfriend alone, do you? No way!
"But Quiiiinn, you can't get sick and if you stay with me…" But Quinn didn't let her finish. The more Rachel tried to speak, the worse her voice got.
No more discussion about it. I'll stay and go to the doc with you. Now, back to bed and rest until we have to go. I'll get you some tea. Don't strain your voice too much, sweetie. Quinn said and observed how her girlfriend stemmed her hands into her hips in typical Rachel fashion.
The former diva huff for a moment, but then looked a little deflated.
She turned and shuffled back to bed with a weak: "Okay."
Quinn was a bit surprised to get no further resistance or argument, so Rachel really must have felt lousy.
The brunette actually fell asleep again and dozed until Quinn woke her up gently to get ready for the appointment. It seemed that she got worse every minute, despite the nap.
Quinn called a cab company and pre-ordered a taxi to pick them up. She did not want to stay in front of the building, having to wait unnecessarily with her sick girlfriend in the cold.
The good thing about accompanying Rachel was that she could interpret for her. Her GP had looked very surprised and concerned as he understood the situation. He knew Rachel already for a couple of years, but he had not heard about her accident yet.
It took him a moment to digest the news before his professionalism took over again and he started to examine her.
Quinn noticed that he kept looking at Rachel when he spoke and the brunette really appreciated that, even though Quinn had to sign his words for her.
The diagnosis was a common cold with acute Laryngitis including some inflamed tonsils. The doctor told Rachel that she should try to not use her voice over the next two to three days. And he told her that it might make sense to get her tonsils taken out as soon as she got better.
You still haven't had them be removed, Rachel? Quinn asked as they sat in the cab driving back to Rachel's flat.
No, the last time I got sick was in high school. Ok, that was horrible but nothing else has happened since, she signed back.
The little trip had already exhausted Rachel and she was longing to get back to bed. They stopped quickly at Quinn's apartment which was almost on the way so she could grab some clothes, but soon they were off again to get Rachel back home.
For once, Rachel decided to take the elevator up to the fifth floor and to not walk up the flight of stairs, which was part of her fitness program, usually.
The petite woman got ready for bed again and gratefully slid back under the covers. It did not take ten minutes and she was asleep. Quinn prepared a little soup and some tea that she filled in a thermos to keep it warm.
Rachel woke up after a two hour nap and groggily padded into the bathroom. When she came out, she found Quinn standing at the counter, her head bent over some sheets that lay in front of her. Curiously the brunette stepped closer.
"Hey," Quinn greeted her girlfriend and smiled. Rachel gave a short wave with her hand as answer and pointed wordlessly at the papers.
The blonde lifted the pages and Rachel saw that it was sheet music.
As Rachel clutched a blanked around her shoulders with both hands, she just mouthed the words. For your concert?
Catching Quinn's questioning look she just repeated the last word. Concert?
That Quinn understood and nodded and signed: Yes. Our director decided to take up one more song.
Rachel nodded. Under other circumstance she would have asked which one and if she could have a look at it, but right now she just felt like sitting or lying down again. She ambled over to the living room as Quinn turned to warm up the soup. Rachel dropped on the couch and cuddled up in her blanket, content to watch her girlfriend fiddling around in the kitchen.
As Quinn stirred the liquid content in the pot while it heated, she noted how insecure she had felt reading the words from Rachel' lips. It seemed to her much more difficult than reading signs and it took a lot of concentration to see the slightest movements and formations of the speaker's lips and tongue. As Rachel now mostly spoke or at least signed, it was something that Quinn was not really used to. She was sure that with practice it would get easier, but still, she had underestimated the real difficulty.
The soup was hot enough so Quinn walked over to Rachel, balancing a bowl and a spoon on a little tray with a steaming cup of tea.
Carefully, Quinn placed it in front of her girlfriend on the couch table.
You want to eat it here? She signed when she had her hands free again.
Rachel nodded. Yes, that's fine, thank you. Smells good.
Quinn got her own bowl and plopped down on the floor opposite of Rachel, joining her in this Spartan late lunch.
Honey, I have to leave in an hour for my show. You want to stay here on the couch and watch a movie or do you want to go back to bed?
I think I'll go back to bed. Thanks for cooking. I really do hope you don't catch a cold.
Well, if so, you'll have to get better quickly and then take care of me. It's just that easy, Quinn signed back.
"'kay," Rachel managed to croak which earned her an immediate reprimand from her girlfriend.
No talking! Rest your voice.
Rachel drew her eyebrows together and pouted when she answered with her hands, moving them through the air in front of her.
I want my voice back. It's so much easier if I can talk at least.
I know sweetie. But the more you stay silent, the quicker you'll get better.
Rachel laid down her spoon again to comment.
I know, but that doesn't mean I have to like it!
While taking another mouthful of the tasty vegetable broth with some carrots and small little pasta letters, Rachel thought about her own words. Funny. Before she met Quinn she had not talked for days or weeks at a time. Now she found it difficult to stay silent just for three days.
The only people she still refused to talk to were her dads – with the small exception of Hiram's last visit. She really needed to discuss her situation with them and she needed to see that they really wanted to understand how she felt, before she could take a step towards them. She wanted to know that they were also willing to make it easier for her and were considering her wishes. Then, and only then, she would also try to make it easier for them.
Thinking about her dads and going home for the season festivities reminded her of the discussion with Kurt.
Quinn, when did you plan to get back to Lima for Christmas? Did you plan to go back at all? Kurt has asked me and depending on all our schedules maybe we can plan the trip together.
The blonde nodded and swallowed the spoonful she had just ladled into her mouth before answering.
Yes, I have my concert on the twenty-first, another show on the twenty-second and twenty third. Then I am free until the twenty-ninth. So we could leave on the twenty-fourth early in the morning.
Rachel nodded, taking another spoon full of soup. That would be fine for her. She had not planned anything yet and was ready to adjust to Quinn's much more rigid schedule. She noticed Quinn moving her hands again iand looked back up from her bowl.
If you don't want to go earlier, that is. You don't have to stick around just because I have to work so much. I know Hanukkah starts earlier and that you used to celebrate that with your dads.
Rachel shook her head. No, that is okay. This year the start of Hanukkah falls exactly on the 24th of December, so that fits perfectly. Besides I don't feel like spending too much time with my dads, currently. Not until we have resolved this issue between us.
I can understand that. We'll manage, Rachel, Quinn assured her and reached across the table to squeeze her arm lightly. Would it be ok to get back to New York on the twenty-eighth if you don't want to stay for the full eight days of the festivities?
Rachel nodded. Yes. That 's enough. The shorter the better anyway, she thought to herself.
Ok. I guess it should give us enough time to hang out with our families and friends anyway, Quinn stated.
Rachel only nodded at that, a slight uneasy expression on her face.
Sorry, I didn't want to impose. I guess meeting old friends might not be something you are looking forward to.
Quinn watched her girlfriend play pensively with a piece of carrot in her bowl before she answered.
No, I … I'm not sure about that at all. We - the old Glee Clubbers - have always met over the past years, those of us who were back in town over the holidays, anyway. I had always hoped to see you there as well, but you managed quite well to stay out of my way, Rachel signed with a little smile. Though it vanished when she thought that even though Quinn would be there this year, she herself would not be able to enjoy the meeting the way she used to. I'm not sure I want to go to the reunion this year. Maybe I'll decide spontaneously.
Quinn tilted her head slightly, gazing at Rachel's face, guessing where the sad look came from.
Did you organize anything special when you all met?
Rachel shrugged. We always met in our old choir room at the school and Mr. Schuester suggested a topic and we would then get up in an impromptu jam session with all the songs we knew that could fit the theme.
Quinn stilled Rachel's hand and asked for a sign she had not understood.
Rachel repeated it slowly and tried to say it aloud, despite the vow of silence she had given. But feeling the scratching in her throat she gave up and finger spelled her explanation. J-A-M S-E-S-S-I-O-N. Seeing Quinn nod her understanding she continued signing.
Everyone brings food and drinks. It's really nice. She paused for a second. You were missed by everyone. She added, raising her eyebrow a little, indicating that there was at least one person who had missed her a lot.
It was hard to stay away, Quinn admitted. Sounds like you really had fun.
Santana and Brittany had told her about the jam sessions as well and every time her heart had felt very heavy at skipping the meetings, but she had not found the courage to go and face Rachel. She rather missed out on all the fun with her old friends, using a lame excuse about a family celebration, not wanting to explain the real reason of her staying away.
Pulling herself away from her own thoughts, Quinn noticed how Rachel's eyes started getting glassy and a tired look appeared on her face.
Maybe we should get you back to bed soon, what do you think? You look exhausted.
Rachel nodded. She ate a couple more ladles of the soup and then laid the spoon aside.
"Ugh." My whole body aches. This is so annoying. She added signing after having received another reproachful look from Quinn at the sound crossing her lips. Rachel rolled her eyes at her girlfriend. She was not going to talk; the burning in her throat was uncomfortable enough. Still, she could not hold back teasing Quinn about it.
What will you do if I start talking in my sleep?
Wake you and tell you to shut up, Quinn answered with a crooked smile.
Very considerate, thanks. Rachel made a funny face at Quinn before sneezing three times, grabbing a tissue and blowing her nose noisily. Then she slowly pushed herself off the couch and made her way around the table. Quinn got up as well and followed her girlfriend into the bedroom, bringing another cup of tea and a glass of water to place it next to her on the night stand.
She sat on the bed and gently stroke some strands of hair out of Rachel's face.
I'll have to leave in twenty minutes, but I'll be back soon. If you feel worse or need anything, text me. I'll leave my phone with one of the extras and they can alert me if it is something urgent. Don't play the brave one, ok? Let me know if you need me.
Rachel nodded weakly; she found it very sweet how concerned Quinn was.
She managed to sit back up and let herself fall against the blonde's chest, resting her head below Quinn's collar bone. With on hand she pointed at herself, then with the bent index finger firmly down and then at Quinn.
She felt Quinn chuckle.
Leaning back she watched Quinn ask: Need me already? I haven't even left.
Rachel nodded, putting on a very pitiful face, which provoked another smile from Quinn. But not wanting to make her feel bad for leaving her, Rachel quickly added:
No, don't worry; I'll be fine. Really. And if you want to stay at home, that is ok, I understand!
Quinn placed a finger on Rachel's lips and shook her head.
Rest now. See you later.
Quinn watched Rachel scoot back under the covers. Then the brunette kissed her fingertips and blew her the kiss, her eyes already half closing.
Love you, too, sweet, Quinn smiled and got up. With one last glance at the bed she stepped outside and cleaned up the dishes.
Sitting in the cab on her way to the theater, Quinn noticed that she felt like something was missing. She could not quite place it but there was a little hole inside of her and she had no idea what had caused it. She thought back to the afternoon and then it dawned on her.
Finally, she realized how much she missed hearing Rachel's voice. And how she had almost taken it for granted all these past weeks. She made a mental note to tell Rachel how much she really appreciated hearing her speaking every day.
It had just been half a day that Rachel had been condemned to silence by her doctor, but still. With Rachel usually talking, they had at least half a normal conversation and it was so much easier and comfortable for Quinn. Immediately, she felt guilty for that thought. And remembering the short moment of confusion when she could not read Rachel's lips brought her back to the reality of the situation. This was how Rachel must feel all the time. If people were talking around her, she had to try to guess what was being said and was probably only able to guess one or the other word. It doubtlessly was really exhausting trying to figure out what was being said all the time without the help of signs.
In the beginning of their relationship, Rachel and she had written down a lot, but even though this was a little more inconvenient than signing, it allowed for a literal transcript of their thoughts and feelings. That was something both still had to work on with ASL, as it was a different method of expressing oneself. It was not so much that it did not allow for expressing exact feelings or thoughts, it was just that the approach was different and it took some time getting used to it. It was more an interpretation than a literal translation. And it was more difficult having to learn it as a hearing – or former hearing person – being used to the spoken language and its own syntax and phrasing, trying not to "translate" every word literally.
She loved Rachel with all her heart and was sure she would never love her less, but sometimes it was a bit exhausting having to think all the time about what was appropriate and what was not, in order to not hurt Rachel's feelings. It was not so much that Rachel asked all this consideration of her directly, but Quinn's strive for perfection demanded that from herself. Rachel had told her once that she was entitled to make mistakes and Quinn knew that her girlfriend would be the last person to not forgive her. But she did not want to make a mistake. She did not want to be the reason for Rachel's hurt.
Still, sometimes Quinn just wanted to open her mouth and be able to tell Rachel all the things that she felt and thought; without having to think about the choice of every word and how to phrase it. She had gotten better at it and had to think less and less about the signs, but it still needed all her concentration.
She wanted to hold her girlfriend in her arms and whisper something into her ear. She wanted to tell her how beautiful she was while she made love to her and wanted to caress her with her own voice.
At that moment, Quinn felt robbed of her own voice more than ever. It was a selfish thought, as Rachel had been robbed of much more, but she couldn't fight it, as much as she wanted. And then all the other unfair wishes came back. She wanted to carefree sing songs with her girlfriend while cooking, she wanted to read the favorite passages from her beloved books to her; she wanted to sing to her during her concert. She just fucking wanted Rachel to be able to hear her.
Quinn balled her fist and pressed it against her thigh as she looked out of the window from behind her sunglasses.
The injustice of it all came crushing back. And the blonde had no idea why all of a sudden. She had to bite her tongue to will the tears back down. The blonde hated herself for these thoughts at that moment. They were unfair, even though natural. Kurt and Carmen had told her that it was only natural to grieve for this loss also as a partner or relative of the person who had become deaf. That it was necessary even. But she just felt not entitled to do so.
She, Quinn Fabray, had to be strong. Yes, Rachel had told her that this was not true, that she could not always be the strong one, but Quinn demanded that from herself. It had been part of her upbringing to always do the right thing and be fucking perfect. To never be weak and to never show weakness. The one time she had slipped, she had felt the consequences dearly. She had lost everything back then: Her parents, her home, her reputation, her beloved Cheerios uniform. And she would be damned if she would lose again now what was so important to her. She could not risk making the mistake to offend or hurt Rachel and in the course lose her again.
Despite feeling so devastated, she heard Rachel's words in her mind.
Don't bottle everything up until it becomes too hard to bear. Promise me to talk about this in the future right away. Promise me to not swallow things out of false pride.
Quinn had promised. She should not break that promise, much as it went against her own wish to be perfect.
Imagining the sound of her lover's voice in her head was like a soothing balm that washed over her.
Quinn realized what a great gift it was that her girlfriend still preferred to express herself vocally. She loved hearing Rachel's voice and her laughter and at that moment she was so grateful that she was still able to hear that. And she missed it terribly.
Now she understood what it meant not being able to listen to the other person's voice and only be dependent on signs completely. That was something that Rachel had to face every day.
It sucked.
Thanks Sole's_stories for the discussion about Quinn.