I don't own Glee or the original characters. However, I dare to say that all the rest of this whole story is mine content wise!
Thank you so much Sole's stories for your help with the past chapters and the great input! So grateful to have your feedback!
Nicole, thank you also very much for the quick feedback and corrections in this chapter. I'm happy that you are back! I'm also happy to have been able to read two more chapters of your story For Always :-)
CROO: You got that right :-)
CarolineSC: Naaaaahhhhh... Not yet.
IloveDiannaAgron: No, Santana won't change. I love writing her too much.
Gllover22: Dads are coming up soon...
Sorry for the 1,5 week wait, these longer chapters need more time to be written and to be beta-read.
Now, after all the "administrative" stuff, go read!
Chapter 39
When the taller of the two women reached Rachel, she stopped in front of the petite brunette who was still sitting on the dais, stemmed her hands at her hips and said something. Rachel watched her mouth move but was too surprised about the aggressive stance and stare to concentrate on reading her lips.
She held up her hands in a defense gesture to stop the string of words.
Rachel pointed at herself, then placed her index finger on her lips and then at her ear.
I'm deaf, she mouthed in parallel.
Then she continued signing. I'm sorry. I couldn't hear what you were telling me.
The other woman's shoulders slumped slightly at realizing why Rachel had stared at them.
Rachel observed the tension loosen a bit around the tall woman's shoulders and added another apology.
I'm sorry if I offended you by observing you.
You're deaf? The taller woman reassured herself, also signing.
Rachel nodded slowly. Then she gave another explanation. Yes. That's why I was watching you. I was surprised to see other people here using sign language. Sorry that I stared at you, that wasn't very polite. I never like it much if people look at me like that either.
It's ok. I understand. You obviously had a good reason. I'm Lauren, this is Cara, the willowy woman with the short black hair introduced herself and her friend. After finger spelling both their names, she added their personal name signs.
Rachel smiled at learning the two women's personal designations. She recalled Carmen's early explanation. These individual signs often showed a characteristic that describe the person. It could be a reference to the hair color, a hobby or a personal trait. Sometimes they were signed with the fingers forming the first letter of their name while going through the motion.
Lauren's name sign was a combination of black and hair.
Cara's sign was the one for "to paint" with the fingers forming a C. Rachel later learned that Cara studied art at NYU and loved to paint already since she was little. This was how she got her name sign.
Hi, Cara greeted Rachel after Lauren's introduction and smiled warmly at her.
Hi, I'm Rachel. Nice to meet you, Rachel answered, spelling her own name.
What's your name sign? Carla asked her then.
Rachel shrugged. I don't have one. She was not willing to give out Santana's nickname for her.
What do you mean you don't have one? How do people refer to you then? Do they always fingerspell your name? Lauren wanted to know.
Mostly. Well, most of the time they just spell the first four letters, R A C H.
Well, you need a name sign. Maybe we can find one for you, Cara offered smiling.
Rachel nodded. That would be nice.
Lauren took a sip of her beer; shortly letting her eyes roam over the crowd, and then settled her attention back on Rachel.
You haven't been deaf for a long time, have you? Cara then asked after having placed her wine cooler next to Rachel onto the dais to have her hands free again.
Rachel frowned. It took her a moment to understand. Lauren and Carla signed quite fast, faster than Carmen or her friends. It took some getting used to.
How do you know? She asked.
Your ASL. Your English syntax and speed, the blonde woman answered.
"Oh". Rachel smiled a bit while asking the question. Am I that obvious?
Lauren smiled back and answered that question for her. Yes.
Are you deaf from birth? Rachel asked her curiously.
Lauren shook her head. No. I lost my hearing three years ago. Cara is deaf from birth.
Then the blond woman explained: We got to know each other at the deaf community center, shortly after Lauren started taking lessons of ASL.
How come we haven't seen you there before? Lauren then wanted to know.
Rachel did not know how to answer that. Then she decided to be honest.
I had to come to terms with all of this before I could bear the thought of meeting others like me.
Yes, I get that. It also took me a while before I could face the whole deaf community thing, Lauren admitted and shared a knowing smile with Rachel.
Rachel looked up and found Quinn observing her while still standing in line to get their drinks. The former diva gave a short wave and saw her girlfriend ask across the room:
You ok?
Rachel sent her a loving smile and formed the word fine with her right hand.
Lauren followed Rachel's gaze.
Wow. Who is that beauty? She asked and then turned back towards the bar.
Rachel could not hide her proud smile. She is my girlfriend.
Cara moved her hands. Is she deaf, too?
Rachel laughed. No.
What's so funny?
Nothing. The petite woman shook her head. When seeing the slightly hurt look on Cara's face after her short clipped comment, Rachel offered an explanation.
She is a singer on Broadway.
Really?
Rachel watchedLauren narrow her eyes a little and give Quinn another look, before turning back to her. Have you only had contact with people who can hear since you became deaf?
Yes.
Why haven't you sought any contact with other deaf people? Lauren asked curiously. Would it not have been easier for you to have some exchange with people who have a similar experience? I know you said you weren't ready, but still…
Rachel bit her lower lip and thought about Lauren's question. Even though she had already given a rough explanation a few minutes ago, she found it not disturbing to give away more details. Normally, she was not that forth giving with personal information, but she felt strangely connected with these two women she had just gotten to know.
I couldn't face any other deaf people then. I had enough to deal with myself. I needed all the strength I had left to live through every day.
Rachel looked at her hands before she formed the next sentences.
Having lost everything I had worked for, I had lived for, well, I just couldn't face anything further that had something to do with deafness- deaf people, the whole community. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't want any contact with hearing impaired people. I just felt like I'm living between two worlds. And I was not ready to let go of the one that had defined my whole life.
Lauren nodded.
I can understand that. It was the same for me. It took me about half a year before I was able to acknowledge that I was not the only person who lost her hearing. But I finally noticed that meeting other deaf people made it a bit easier to come to terms with it. Though I guess everyone needs to do this at their own speed.
Rachel nodded at that. Then she watched Cara form another question
Where did you learn ASL then, if you didn't go to the school for the deaf for the lessons?
Rachel found it fascinating how easy it seemed now to have a fluent conversation without ever using one single spoken word. They silently voiced the sentences in parallel to support the meaning of the signs. She raised her hands to answer.
I found a very good teacher who gives courses at the community center. That seemed to work best for me.
Who is this teacher? Maybe we know her. Cara looked curious.
Her name is Carmen Rodalba, Rachel offered.
The blonde woman smiled when she recognized the name. Oh yeah, she is very nice. She also teaches at the school I went to.
Really? I did not know that she also taught somewhere else. Then again, I never asked.
Rachel let the discussion sink in a bit.
She realized that she had lived in quite a bubble of isolation the first half year after the accident. It was a bubble that had shielded her from the rest of the world. In a certain way, it had been a blessing while she had to come to terms with what had happened. But it had also disconnected her from other people, from support, from understanding - more than necessary.
She recognized that now, but she did not berate herself. At that time, her self-imposed seclusion had seemed to be the best way for her to cope with the whole situation.
In the end, it had led her to where she was today. She would not want to miss for anything in the world having been able to reconnect with her old friends. And another factor also weighed heavily for her being glad that she had made the decisions the way she had. Quinn and she might not have met had she chosen a different route.
So, all in all, everything had brought her a great step forward, still.
She raised her eyes and smiled at Lauren who asked her another question.
And what do you do now?
Rachel shrugged. I'm trying to find a new purpose in life, I guess.
What did you do before you lost your hearing?
I was also a singer on Broadway, she could not hide the slight bout of sadness that rose in her chest.
"Oh," Lauren sympathized. That must have been hard. That's where you two got to know each other?
No, we know each other from high school. Before Rachel could explain more, she saw Kurt appearing out of the corner of her eye. He waved at her and then pointed at the bar.
We are going to get something to drink. Want anything? He signed.
Rachel answered him that Quinn already got her some water, but then nodded and asked him to bring her a wine cooler.
Your friends?
She forwarded the question.
Lauren lifted her half empty bottle of beer. I'm good, but Cara chose a coke.
Coming right up, Kurt smiled.
Where is Blaine? Rachel craned her neck but could not see Kurt's boyfriend.
Already at the bar. Kurt let her know before the crowd swallowed him up again.
And who was that charming young man? Cara wanted to know.
Rachel chuckled. That charming young man was Kurt, a good friend of mine.
Is he deaf?
No, we know each other from high school as well. He is also in the show biz.
Lauren was intrigued. How come you have so many hearing friends knowing how to sign?
They took the pains to learn it for me, Rachel explained, feeling very grateful.
Then they are very good friends, Cara observed.
Yes, they are.
But there was something that her friends would never understand despite their considerations.
What it really meant to be deaf.
At that moment, Rachel noticed that she enjoyed her little exchange with the other two girls. She did not have to worry about missing something, just because they forgot to sign or had to leave out sections of a phrase because they did not know how to interpret it.
She did not have to explain or ask. They knew what it was like. They were like her.
Rachel felt that as much as her friends were trying to help her with each new experience, there was still something that she had not explored yet; something which they could not help her with.
Rachel had deliberately stayed away from the deaf community. She had not felt like she belonged.
In the beginning, not really knowing how to deal with the new circumstances made her feel like she could not fit into this new deaf world. Now, she felt that yes, part of her did belong to that community. It had taken some time to realize that and to come to terms with the fact that she would always be a deaf person living in a hearing world.
Meeting other deaf people made her feel like she could relax. She did not have to worry all the time about being able to watch people's lips and body language, more so if they did not know ASL. It was always more exhausting for Rachel when she was in a larger group. It was hard to keep up with everyone in her line of sight and trying to follow conversations, despite Quinn and Kurt who interpreted for her. She always depended on what they delivered to her. She could not just choose to "listen in".
With Lauren and Cara, it was different, because they spoke her language and knew everything that it entailed.
It was such a relief.
Lauren caught her gaze and smiled. You look like you just had a revelation, she commented.
Rachel nodded slowly. Yes, I did.
Care to share? I'm all ears, Lauren signed and added finger spelling H-A-H-A.
The petite brunette snorted. Funny. Yes, I can share it, but not here. It would take too much time to explain. Maybe we can meet over coffee some day?
Lauren looked at her for a moment, and then nodded.
Sure. We can exchange numbers if you want. Just text me when you feel like meeting. And don't feel rushed. It's ok if you still need a bit of time.
Rachel nodded. Thanks.
The three women were just exchanging their mobile numbers when Kurt and Quinn weaved their way through the throng of people with their drinks.
Quinn reached them first, pressed the wine cooler and water into Rachel's hands and her own lips over her girlfriend's.
Then she smiled at the rest of the group, noticing that Kurt had already started to introduce himself and her.
….and that lady who can hardly contain herself is Quinn.
The blonde waved shortly and smiled, a little embarrassed. Rachel placed her arm around her girlfriend's waist and grinned happily. The brunette had missed Quinn, even though they had only been separated for twenty minutes and she had had a good distraction.
Lauren introduced herself and Cara. A short moment later, Santana also ambled over to the small group and squeezed herself up on the dais next to Quinn. The former cheerio had taken up a seat next to her girlfriend with her arm loosely wrapped around Rachel's waist. Lauren had sidled up next to Rachel's other side. Cara had seen another friend and told them that she'd be right back, before slipping towards the dance floor. Blaine had shortly joined before moving off to dance.
Who's the new girl? Lauren asked.
That's Santana. Also an old high school friend.
She also in the show biz?
Rachel laughed. No. She's a personal trainer and kicks some high paid corporate butts. But she can also sing. She has an incredible voice.
Quinn watched the two women chat and had a curious look on her face. Santana bumped her in the ribs with her elbow.
"Whassup, Q? Jealous?" She then joked.
Quinn tugged her earplugs a little loose so she could hear what Santana was saying. In the corner where they were sitting, the music was not as loud.
"Why would you ask that?"
"'Cause you kept ogling the woman Rachel is so animatedly talking to. Did they know each other before?"
The blonde moved her head slowly from left to right. "No, they just met, I think."
"Q, come on, what's wrong?" Santana plainly saw that there was something bothering her on her best friend's face, even though the blonde tried her best to hide it. Rachel apparently had not noticed it yet, as she was still chatting with her new acquaintance.
Quinn sighed. "Nothing is wrong, Santana."
The Latina threw her hands in the air. "God, woman. Fucking spit it out now or I'll shake it out of you!"
Quinn just rolled her eyes and shook her head.
"Ok, fine. If you don't wanna talk, I'll tell you something."
"What if I don't wanna hear it?" Came the tart reply.
"You know I'm not gonna shut up, so why bother, Q?"
Quinn just rolled her eyes and let the Latina continue. "What?"
"I think you're afraid now that Rachel had met some other deaf people, she might find out that this is something she had been missing. And you're afraid that it might drive her away from you. From us."
Quinn drew her eyebrows together and opened her mouth to give her friend a retort. Then she let out a breath and felt her anger at the blunt statement dissolve. She rubbed her forehead with her free hand.
Santana could see the guilt lurking behind the hazel eyes.
"Q, it's ok. This is something that Rachel needs now. This is a part of her life that she needs to include. But that doesn't mean that she will automatically exclude you from it." Santana leaned against Quinn's shoulder to give her an encouraging friendly shove.
"I know." The actress had a hard time trying to figure out what exactly was eating at her. She could not form it into words, so she did not say anything further. Santana looked at her for a moment longer and Quinn held her gaze. The Latina knew her so well that she did not need an explanation. Santana saw in Quinn's eyes that this was something she first had to digest on her own before discussing it further.
Rachel turned at that moment and looked at her girlfriend, pecking a kiss on her cheek. "What are you talking about?"
You. And how hot you look! Quinn smiled, signing.
Rachel snorted. "Liar!"
Quinn swallowed quickly at the correct observation, but recovered rapidly enough to deviate Rachel from the topic. Not lying. You really do look hot.
"Well, thank you. You don't have much to hide either, Miss Fabray!" And Rachel let her eyes rake appreciating over Quinn's body. She wore black jeans with dark gray high heeled ankle boots and a low cut white and sleeveless shirt with a nestled front. The ends of the straps were held together with a small wooden clasp on top of her shoulders. The top gave her a slight Greek appearance.
Rachel slung an arm around her lover's waist and leaned her head against her shoulder. "What were you really talking about?" Rachel insisted.
Quinn looked into the sincere brown eyes. "Can we talk about this later?" Quinn placed a soft kiss on the tip of the smaller woman's nose to show her that this was nothing she should worry about now.
Rachel held her gaze for a moment longer and understood that this was not the right time nor the right place for a discussion. "Sure."
For a while, they were just content sipping their drinks, watching the people on the dance floor.
Kurt had gone off dancing with Blaine and Rachel observed them singing along to the lyrics of the song that was playing. The beat was intense but she liked it. She felt her body moving in the rhythm that hammered though her.
"What's on?" She asked Quinn and pointed at the loudspeakers.
I think it's called 'No Church In The Wild'.
Rachel nodded.
"Can we dance again?" She then asked almost shyly and hopped off the dais, pulling Quinn with her. She turned around and motioned for Lauren to join them.
Before they could move on, a young woman was approaching them, then stopped a bit to the side of the little group. She seemed unsure of what to do. Rachel turned and smiled at her, wondering what she wanted. Maybe it was someone Santana, Quinn or Lauren knew. And maybe she was just shy and did not want to interrupt.
To Rachel's surprise, the dark haired girl did not approach one of the other women, but came straight towards her. Apparently, she had taken Rachel's smile as an encouragement. She held a paper and pen in her hand.
She stopped in front of Rachel and rose onto her toes to speak into the brunette's ear. Surprised, the former singer jerked back a little, stopping the other woman's movement. The young woman looked a bit taken aback by that gesture. Shyly, she moved a step away to give Rachel some space.
The brunette waved her to come closer and spoke into her ear instead.
"I can't hear you. You'll have to write down what you want to say." And she pointed to the paper in the girl's hand.
The girl took a breath and opened her mouth as if to say something, then pointed at her ear and then at the loudspeakers hanging above the dance floor, as if to ask if the music was too loud.
Rachel shook her head and waved her closer again, still wondering what the girl wanted.
"I am deaf." She simply stated and watched the other woman's jaw drop slightly before she recovered herself.
Rachel smiled and pointed at the paper in her hand encouragingly.
That seemed to help, as the other woman clicked at the end of the ball point pen and scribbled something down, holding the paper towards Rachel.
You look like an actress I have seen on Broadway, Rachel Berry. But I guess I mistakenly took you for her.
Rachel just smiled and shook her head.
"No, you are right."
The young woman's eyes grew big, and then she wrote another sentence down.
You are Rachel Berry?
"Yes, I am."
The girl's face light up. "Wow," she breathed, which was easy enough to read. Then confusion took over.
But, I don't understand why you can't hear.
Rachel decided to quickly explain. "I had a car accident a few months ago."
"Oh," was all the other woman said, debating with herself to walk away or stay, that was clearly visible by the emotions chasing across her face. Then she recovered and wrote another comment.
I don't know what to say. I'm a little shocked. So you can't sing anymore?
Rachel's eyes skimmed over the page. She exchanged a quick look with Quinn, who wore a slightly pained expression, having read the sentence as well.
"No." Rachel shook her head. "I will not be able to sing anymore." She simply answered.
The young woman chewed her lip, before she finally wrote something else down.
That is really sad! You were such a good singer and actress. I saw you in Funny girl. I loved it so much!
"Thank you," Rachel smiled. "When did you see the show?"
That was in late March, I think the last weekend. Saturday, if I remember correctly.
Reading that gave Rachel a small stab in the chest. She swallowed and cleared her throat, staring a while longer at the paper.
"That was my last show," she then offered as an explanation with a slightly sad smile.
"Oh." The girl pressed her lips together, apparently feeling bad for having reminded the former actress of her final stage appearance. Then she held out the paper with another question.
Actually, I came to ask you if you could you give me your autograph?
Rachel stared at the request. What in the world… Then the corners of her mouth curved upwards again. "Sure. What is your name?"
Vivien.
Rachel took the offered pen, turned and placed the paper on the wood they had just vacated. Underneath the name, she wrote in her flourishing hand writing:
To Vivien,
may your dreams prevail
and may your strength and courage never fail you to make them come true.
Rachel Berry
Handing the paper and pen back, she honestly smiled at the young fan who pressed the sheet against her chest and smiled broadly.
"Thank you!" She exclaimed excitedly. "It was nice meeting you!"
"You are welcome," Rachel answered, having guessed the words from reading her lips. She watched the young woman give a little wave before she skipped back to her friends.
Lauren and Quinn had watched the exchange with a mixture of confusion and amusement.
So. That a fan of yours or what? Lauren asked.
Rachel laughed a little and followed the young woman with her eyes before answering. Yes, it would seem that way.
Quinn hugged her girlfriend from the side and smiled at her. You ok?
Rachel swallowed and nodded. Then a small mischievous grin appeared on her face and she spoke and signed in parallel, for Lauren's sake. "Think you can handle my fame?"
Quinn laughed. Well, if it becomes too much, we have to hire Santana as a body guard, I guess.
Lauren smiled. I think I just found a fitting name sign for you.
Quinn curiously looked at Lauren. You do? Which one?
Show me! Rachel also eagerly demanded.
Lauren lifted both her hands in front of her body, at the height of her chin. With her index fingers she pointed slightly upwards and moved her hands in alternating sequence up and down.
That's the sign for 'star'. She explained, while Rachel and Quinn nodded; both already knowing the sign. Santana looked with interest and repeated the movement. Maybe once in a while she would use Rachel's real name sign. But just once in a while.
Lauren continued with her explanation. To personalize it, we would just form the letter 'R' with our fingers for you while making the sign. And she crossed the pointer and middle finger of each hand, the hand alphabet sign for the letter R.
She repeated the sign.
"I like it!" Rachel laughed. She turned to Quinn and said: "Seems like I have a very starry birthday, today."
It is your birthday today? Lauren asked, having read Rachel's signs in parallel.
The brunette nodded shyly.
Well then, happy birthday, Rachel! Lauren grinned, using the new designation.
Thank you, Rachel answered bashfully. That is actually a nice present, my new name sign.
You're welcome.
Santana slapped Rachel on the upper arm in a friendly gesture. Nice name sign, Berry, she then stated. Almost as good as mine.
Rachel had to laugh at that. "Of course, Lopez, you wouldn't have it any other way."
The Latina smirked and then looked at Quinn for an interpretation of what she was going to tell Lauren. Some of the words she was not familiar with in ASL. When Quinn nodded, Santana turned to the other black haired woman.
"Kudos to you. That is actually very original. And I think the sign fits our little diva here."
Rachel rolled her eyes, Quinn smirked at Santana's comment and Lauren laughed right out.
"Thanks," the short haired woman simple answered.
"Come on, let's dance,"Rachel then urged the group forward.
Quinn looked around Rachel, asking Lauren: Are you going to join us?
Lauren decided to go search for Cara and excused herself for a moment. I'll see if I can find my friend first, then we might join you on the dance floor.
Ok, see you later, Quinn and Rachel signed in unison which made Lauren laugh.
The little group wove its way through the throng of people to join Kurt and Blaine who greeted them happily.
Quinn stayed close to her girlfriend to make sure she was ok. In between two songs Blaine offered to get a new round of drinks; the next time Santana went to get something to hydrate their dry throats. The heat seemed to rise and more and more people crowded the floor.
At one point, Quinn told Rachel that she would head to the bathroom and Rachel decided that she could use some fresh air. Santana opted to join her.
They decided to pick up their jackets on the way. Hot and sweaty from dancing as they were, they did not want to catch a cold standing outside. The snow was still coming down in small white flakes.
It felt eerily quiet once they left the building. That was how Rachel perceived it, at least. Funny, she thought, that she used the word 'quiet'. It was always quiet for her.
Somehow, the forceful beat thrumming through her body and her own imagination of sound gave her the illusion that it had not been all that quiet inside the club. Without the feeling of sound, though, she was thrown back into the full silence.
It took some time getting used to.
Santana's hand movements pulled her back from her thoughts and Rachel was grateful for the distraction.
How you're doing?
"I'm ok."
Santana cocked her head and settled her dark eyes on Rachel's face.
"What?"
Nothing. Trying to find out if you are telling the truth.
Rachel exhaled slowly.
"It's … different, yes. But Santana, I'm fine, really. I didn't think I would be, but I am enjoying myself."
The brunette watched her friend place a finger on her lips and then made a downward motion with her hands.
Rachel bit her lip, feeling a little embarrassed, but she was grateful that Santana had pointed out that she should adjust her speaking volume. It was not always easy to judge how loud she should speak if she could not hear the noise around her and her own voice.
"Sorry. That better?" She asked, paying closer attention at the lowered intensity of vibrations in her throat. She felt that she had adjusted the volume of her voice adequately now.
Santana nodded and gave a thumbs up.
"Guess I'm still used to the screaming inside the club. It seems so incredibly loud in there. Aren't your ears ringing?"
No. Santana answered and then grinned. Yours?
Rachel laughed. "Nope. At least, I don't think so."
Despite the short embarrassing moment, Rachel felt quite relaxed. And tipsy. She noticed the effect of the drinks she had consumed.
"I'm enjoying my birthday so far," she volunteered while beaming, leaning her back against a lamp post, hands buried in her pockets to keep them warm.
The Latina grinned at her and made the sign for 'good'. Then she dug a paper out of her jacket and wrote something down.
Sorry, I know you prefer people signing, and I'm working on it. But this is still a little over my head.
Rachel looked up before reading the rest of the writing. "That's ok, Santana. I really appreciate your effort." She said sincerely, and then lowered her head again. Having her legs crossed, she lost her balance a little while still leaning against the post. Santana reached out and steadied her friend.
"Careful!"
"Oops. Guess I underestimated the effect some wine coolers can have." And she giggled at her own clumsiness.
Some? Santana asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well, it's my birthday and I haven't celebrated anything in a loooong time," Rachel defended herself.
It's ok, Rachel. Santana surprised the petite woman by actually using her name sign. You don't have to defend yourself. She then pointed at the sentence she had written earlier.
The two girls you met in there seemed quite nice. Are you going to meet them again?
"Yeah, I might. Why do you ask?"
The brunette patiently watched Santana scribble her answer down.
I'm asking because I think you should. I think that it's good to get into contact with someone else who is also deaf. Don't get me wrong, Rachel, this has nothing to do with us. We'll always be your friends. But we will never be able to share the exact same experience with you. And it might help to talk to someone who has been through this as well. You know what I mean?
"Yeah, I do," Rachel sighed and handed the paper back. She dug her hands back into her coat pockets and scuffed at the snow with the tip of her boot.
"I actually had the same thoughts. Up until now, I just couldn't bring myself to face it, but getting to know Lauren and Cara, I noticed that this is something I need. I need people who can completely relate to what I'm going through in my life."
Don't feel guilty about it, Rachel. This is normal. It's important for you to integrate both worlds into your life without having to sacrifice one or the other. At least that's my opinion, Santana wrote.
"Yes, that's definitely what I would like." She smiled gratefully at the Latina.
Santana nodded. "Just do me one favor." She stated, hoping Rachel would be able to read her lips.
"And what's that?"
Talk to Quinn about this. Santana reverted back to signing. She may feel excluded.
Rachel narrowed her eyes for a second and let the comment sink in. Then she slowly moved her head up and down.
"Yes. You might be right." She could guess where the remark had come from. And upon looking up, she found Santana smiling warmly at her. Rachel appreciated that the Latina considered her situation and tried to understand her and Quinn's needs. Sometimes it was good to have friends who pointed out some things that you yourself were not aware of.
After a short moment of silence between them, Rachel asked:
"How are you and Jenna? And how was your date with her the other day? Sorry, I never asked." Rachel observed her friend closely.
Santana shrugged. She touched her head with the fingertips of her right hand and then turned it away, the palm facing outward.
"You don't know?" Rachel asked.
It's difficult. Then Santana pulled out the obligatory pen and paper out again and started scribbling down what she wanted to say. Small words or sentences worked, but nothing complex yet.
We're at a kind of a still stand. She seems to like me a lot, that's what she said, but somehow she doesn't want to move forward. I'm confused.
Rachel handed Santana the paper back again. "Does she know how you feel about her? Do you know how you feel about her? Maybe she is just insecure because she doesn't know how you feel or what you expect. Besides, if she has fallen in love with you, it might still be new to her. Falling in love with a woman, I mean."
Santana looked at the brown, kind eyes of her friend. She thought about her words.
Was she sure how she felt about Jenna? Good question.
How was it for you when you noticed that you were in love with a woman? She wanted to know from Rachel.
"I, as well as Quinn, had to get used to this part of us and accept it, because we did not consider this happening before. When we finally realized it, so many things made sense."
Rachel cocked her head and searched the Latina's face. "Santana, I think you have to find out what you want first. I believe that Jenna feels your insecurity and she herself might also not be sure where she wants to take this friendship or if she wants to take it further at all."
"Hm." Santana shortly pressed her lips together, then nodded slowly. You may be right. Guess I have some thinking to do.
Rachel chuckled quietly. "Guess we both do."
Santana made a motion with her head towards the door. At that moment, a flash went off from the other side of the street. The Latina whirled around so fast that Rachel almost did not have time to reach out and hold her back. The dark haired woman was ready to dash off behind the photographer.
"Fuck, let me go, Rachel!" She tried to brush off Rachel's hand, surprised at the strength the smaller woman possessed.
"No, Santana. Look at me! Santana!" Rachel tugged a little harder at the Latina's arm, still not letting go in fear that she would take after the guy with the camera.
"He's one of fucking Sharon's snitches. Lemme go, Rachel!" But Rachel held on and stepped in front of her friend.
"Santana!" She shouted and finally got her attention.
"Calm down, for god's sake. You're not going to run off after some guy who is absolutely not worth you ruining your life by bashing in his face."
"Fuck you and your logic, Rachel. You can't play this nice, Rachel. They aren't and if you want to save some of your dignity, you should consider a change of game."
Seeing the frown on the smaller woman's face, Santana tried to calm down a bit so she could actually use some of her sign language to make herself understood. But she was too shaken up to make any sense. Rachel placed a hand on hers.
"Santana, write it down, I don't understand a word of what you are trying to say."
Taking a couple of breaths, the Latina scribbled down her earlier words, adding another sentence.
I could have taken him down and he would never have known what hit him.
"But I would have known, Santana. And I've said it before. I will not let you ruin your life because of me and because of something someone did to me. We'll do it my way or no way." She added firmly, looking the Latina square in the eye.
That's very Frank Sinatra, Santana then managed to answer with a crooked grin. She knew in her heart that Rachel was right. But her god damn inner rage wanted to flare up and do the thing that felt right, despite her mind telling her that Rachel indeed had the better approach.
She sighed and became aware of the warm brown eyes looking at her with concern.
"Want to go inside?"
The Latina nodded, shortly squeezing the smaller woman's arm in silent acknowledgment of having said and done the right thing.
Rachel followed Santana who walk in front of her. Then she stopped again, holding Santana back with a hand on her upper arm. "Wait."
When the Latina turned with and angry look, expecting another paparazzi, Rachel pointed towards the other side of the street where Jenna came running. The redhead was waving at the two of them. "Hey!"
Santana's face illuminated and she smiled at her friend, waving back.
Rachel also grinned and hugged the smaller woman when she reached them. "Hello Jenna, I'm happy to see you! Wait. So you knew about this as well?"
Jenna nodded, grinning. Then she leaned back and made sure that Rachel saw her face, before she told her "Happy birthday!" and hugged her again.
"Thank you! How was your rehearsal?"
Jenna laughed. "Loooong. But good."
"Great. We were just going back inside."
The three women walked into the warm building and dropped off their jackets. Rachel watched Santana throw one or another almost shy smile at Jenna. Before they could stand in the corner and start a conversation, Rachel decided that she needed to pull them towards the dance floor. Maybe there Santana could burn off some of her anger from their earlier encounter.
Again, the hammering bass made Rachel feel like every cell in her body was shaken up, when she entered the hall. She quickly stated: "Let's dance," and took the lead through the mass of bodies. She found the rest of their friends where they had left them. Quinn stood with her back to them and Rachel surprised her with a hug from behind, placing a kiss on her neck. Then she let her girlfriend go so Quinn could greet her newly arrived friend.
After the greetings, they all continued to move to the beat. Quinn looped her arms around her girlfriend from behind and moved with her in unison to the music. Rachel let the blonde take the lead and leaned happily back. They kept on dancing, while the brunette kept a close eye on Jenna and Santana. They seemed to be enjoying themselves. After the first few awkward moments, they started to sing the lyrics to whatever song that was playing, bending closer to each other once in a while.
… … …
At around one thirty, everybody, except for Santana and Jenna, called it a night. The two decided to stay a little while longer.
Lauren and Cara had already left a little earlier after they had joined them again on the dance floor for a while. Rachel had assured Lauren that she would text her to find some time for another meeting. Kurt and Quinn had exchanged some comments with the new girls while they were dancing and Rachel was glad that her friends seemed to accept Lauren and Cara in their middle. Even Santana had asked Lauren few short questions that the short haired woman had patiently answered.
Jenna pulled Rachel aside before they left and asked Quinn to interpret for her.
"Rachel, I'm really sorry that I couldn't join you for your birthday dinner. Can we meet for a coffee tomorrow or the day after? I'd like to give you your present, but I didn't want to bring it to the club with me."
"Oh, don't worry, even though it's sad that you couldn't come, I can understand. Rehearsals, especially in the beginning, are always crazy. Maybe we can meet the day after tomorrow? Text me when you're free?"
"Sure, I'll do that." Jenna hugged Rachel good bye and the four friends took off.
Quinn had to hold Rachel a little upright, but found it very cute how her girlfriend couldn't stop giggling on their way home. Even though Quinn had insisted that she drank more water, Rachel had waved her off. The blonde was slightly amused with that side of Rachel, but was glad that her girlfriend had found it comfortable enough to let loose a bit.
Blaine told them that the boys would walk them home when they were out of the club and catch a cab from their apartment. So the four of them trudged towards Quinn's flat.
Rachel was grinning when she saw the flakes still falling and her boots disappeared for almost two inches in the white fluff.
"Can we build a snow man in the park, Quinn? Can we? The snow puts me into such a festive mood. Just missing the Jingle Bells song. Oh, no, even better, that old song from Wham!, remember?"
Quinn laughed at her girlfriend's enthusiasm. Yes, 'Last Christmas, I gave you my heart'.
Kurt and Blaine started singing in the background and Quinn turned around, grinning. Rachel followed her movement to see what had caught her attention.
When she saw the boys voicing the words, she felt the melody bubble up in her throat, but bit down on her tongue. She watched for a moment longer, trying to guess which part they were singing. It really would have been nice to join them, she thought with regret, but smiled at the boys to not spoil the fun.
Quinn was not sure, if it was fair of them to walk around singing, when obviously Rachel could not join them. Seeing Rachel smile at Kurt and Blaine, she felt it was ok. She missed her voice so much in the mix, though.
Kurt caught Rachel's eye as she glanced back at them again and he quickly signed the words:
Chorus. Now.
Rachel turned towards Quinn and watched her mouth move. Even from the side – though it was a bit difficult to read, especially in the gloomy light from the street lamps - she saw the lips of her girlfriend form the familiar words. Just when they were at the part of 'to save me from tears…' Rachel quietly joined them singing the last words I give it to someone special, special, looking at Quinn. She was not sure about the pitch, so she had opted for the original version.
As soon as her voice reached Quinn's ears, she saw the blonde press her lips together, shooting her a surprised look. Then she squeezed Rachel's hand and pulled it to her mouth, brushing her lips softly across the knuckles in a kiss. Even if it had been just one little sentence, hearing Rachel sing, was the most beautiful sound ever. It touched her deep inside, just like the first time when her voice had grazed her ears. Only now it had much more impact.
Rachel did not hear Kurt whisper from behind Quinn: "Keep singing, just keep singing," knowing full well that the last thing that Rachel wanted was anybody to make a big fuss about of it.
So Quinn took a deep breath and joined the boys in the second stanza, hoping that Rachel would join them again.
But the brunette stayed silent and kept her eyes on the pavement.
Thank you Sole's stories for suggesting Rachel's name sign! That was really a great and very fitting idea, you rock! :-)
So, that's a wrap for Rachel's birthday. Let me know what you think!
Chapter 40 is coming along, as well as some Lima and Glee Club scenes ... Though the latter has still to wait a teeny tiny bit.