Chapter 33: Breathe

Tears. Tears that hadn't been shed for moons. Tears that hadn't seen light since...then. All of a sudden, she felt tears. All of a sudden...she didn't feel empty. All because of him. That stupid, idiotic, self-obsessed tom.

She heard laughing. Him and that kit. StarClan, she hated him. She hadn't felt this kind of hatred since...well, since then. After that she was a void. Most cats called her crazy, thinking that hiding everything was the dumbest decision. Well, they were wrong. She was fine. Everything in her life had been fine before Darkpaw had decided to show up. Because of him, she had started to feel again. That could not happen.

So she shook the tears away.

There was no reason she should be feeling again. No reason. Then was never going to happen again, Hollystar had made sure of that. Being a medicine cat was supposed to be a punishment for her. Really, though, it was a blessing. No love, no real friends. She would be free to live without a mate, without an...unreasonable rejection. That's all it was. That was what she had to convince herself, anyway. Though deep down in the darkest parts of her heart, she knew it wasn't unreasonable. When she was younger, she was noticeably, and scarily, insane. By definition. What Darkpaw would be considered when he went on his rampages. Obsessed with death and blood. With voices. Many voices. The voices is what caused it.

It was the voices, not me. The voices, not me. The voices.

She felt dizzy. This was bad. Dizziness was the thing that caused her pain and suffering.

It was the voices, not me. The voices, not me. The voices.

Pain suddenly flared in her neck. The pain...no more pain...no more suffering.

The voices...not me...

Her own claws were at her neck, drawing blood. What was this? Why, all of a sudden, was the feeling coming back to her?

Me...not the voices...

She slowly placed her claws on the ground, not bothering to lick the blood off. The dizziness faded.

The voices...not me...

Because of him. That stupid arrogant tom. She should've listened to her gut feeling to run away from him the first time they met. She shouldn't have been worried about him. He was a killer for crying out loud!

Me...not the voices...

Rage consumed her. She didn't know why. It was all she could feel. Anger. The same weird anger she had felt...then. It controlled her. Every moment, filled with anger. It's what caused her to...

Stop it. The voices were saying. Don't put yourself through this again. Give up on the feeling. Go back to the emotionless freak you're meant to be. No more heartbreak, because you won't feel friendship. No more grief, because you won't be able to feel pain.

"Nightpaw, stop it." Darkpaw. The one she hated so much. Right in front of her. She could kill him. She could rip him apart...if she wasn't so afraid of him ripping her apart first.

He's going to destroy you. The voices whispered. You need to destroy him first.

"Nightpaw." Darkpaw growled, "Listen to me, not them." She looked at him with wide eyes. How did he know about them? How could he possibly know, unless someone told him?

"I will never listen to you." She spat. The words surprised her. It wasn't because they were full of emotion. It wasn't because even Darkpaw seemed surprised to hear them. I wasn't because Cloudbreeze had appeared right when she said them, shock covering her face. It wasn't because Darkpaw had his face right next to hers, with his paw holding hers. It wasn't because Darkpaw's scent was overwhelming her, no. It was because this moment, this exact moment, felt just like...Then.

"Nightpaw." Darkpaw whispered, his eyes were staring into hers. She felt dizzy, "Calm down. You don't need to hurt yourself."

Kill him. The voices kept whispering to her. Why won't they stop? Kill him. He won't ever care about you. He doesn't need to live if he won't care about you.

She couldn't breathe. Why? Why couldn't she breathe? Why couldn't she feel nothing?

"Nightpaw. Look at me. Breathe."

How could he say that all nonchalantly? How was he so calm? No one should be so calm they don't care about their friends' wellbeing.

Great StarClan I can't be going back to that soft, weak, she-cat again. She thought.

"Breathe."

His voice was calming to her. How was he so good at dealing with pain? It's not like he had ever had to deal with pain in his life! He shouldn't be calming her. He shouldn't be near her.

"Breathe."

She didn't feel dizzy. She didn't feel anger. She didn't hear voices. Why was he so calming?

Breathe...please, Nightpaw, breathe. Don't torture yourself any longer. It's not right for a medicine cat to forget to heal themselves.

"Breathe."

Breathe Nightpaw. Give yourself a break. Don't hurt yourself anymore.

"Breathe. Forget about them."

B...br...bre...brea...

She was free.

B...re...a...

I honestly didn't know what I was doing. I paced by the lake. Back here, again. Just like when I first joined. Ignored, besides the rare trainings from Hollystar. Now, she was either on patrol or planning revenge on ThunderClan for stealing prey. Really? You're fighting over lost prey? The fresh kill pile reaches the sky because of me. I'm sure you don't need the extras.

"Darkpaw..." Uh oh. It's the wonderfully terrifying Terror! Oh how I love making your acquaintance, "I'm really going to kill you."

"Wonderful." I growled, "I'll take that death with open paws."

She looked at me, shock extremely evident on her face. What? Do you have a problem with me fantasizing about my death? It's not like I haven't tried to kill myself before.

But then she looked away. She sat down and stared at the sunset. Her eyes seemed to sparkle, not kidding. Though, it might have been the bright sun she was staring directly at. How can you stand that without blinking?

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" She whispered. When I didn't respond, she looked at me, "The sunset, it's beautiful, no?"

To be honest, I had a hard time understanding what she meant. The only time I've ever used the word beautiful was when I was brutally murdering someone. I've never used the other definition for it. Where it's...good. The only reason I would call something beautiful, is if it's covered with blood, or smells like blood/fear/hatred.

Terror, I'm assuming, took my silence as agreement. Or she could have took my staring at the sky like a lost puppy as agreement. I wouldn't know which.

She suddenly laughed, "This reminds me of the last few moments I spent with my mother." I flinched at 'mother', "We were close, her and I. I loved her with all my heart. There was never a dull moment with her. She was funny, but old." Her smile faded, "I like to pretend that she was only sick when she died. Not murdered. Not..."

I stared at her, wide eyes. Why was she telling me this? After she was so angry? I didn't understand. My anger seemed to last for days. Not just from sunhigh to sunset. At least, I don't remember anger lasting that long.

Terror's expression softened, "Sometimes it helps me to not kill everyone I look at. That overwhelming rage that never goes away. All because of a few bloodthirsty rogues." She shook her head, "You know the feeling, don't you?"

I simply stared at her. For right now, it was like nothing else existed. I completely forgot about ShadowClan and the threats from Opin. I forgot about Nightpaw's little freak out, and I forgot about Stormkit. After a moment, I nodded. I know just the feeling she's talking about. Although, I haven't felt it in a while. No overwhelming urges to rip some cat's head off. It's strange, how I've forgotten about that sad part of my life over time. That part of my life just...disappeared.

"I think I finally succeeded in shutting your sarcastic mouth up." Terror grinned.

"I think I'm going to...go back to ShadowClan..." I couldn't breathe. Why couldn't I breathe? I needed to run...why did I need to run? I was suffocating. Choking on air. I clawed at my neck. There was a stinging. Claws. Claws ripping my throat. My own claws ripping my throat into a million tiny pieces.

Terror looked at me like I was crazy. What? Why aren't you helping me? Why is she just sitting there? I...don't...understand...

And then I'm fine. And then I'm falling. And then I'm covered in blood.

I fell into the lake.

And then I feel dizzy. And then I hear a voice.

It's telling me to kill.

And then I'm going crazy. And then Terror starts yowling in pain.

I'm digging my claws into her stomach.

And then I can't breathe again. And then there's nothing. And then there's something.

I'm opening my eyes.

And then there's red. And then there's not red. And then there's a feeling, like guilt, that's racking my stomach. And then it's gone.

Terror got off of me and walked away.

And then I'm confused. And then I'm sad.

She doesn't say anything.

And then I'm so close to death it's not even funny.

. . . .

She had to kill me to stop me from killing her.

(someone find me before it's too late.)

So...that happened. Cat's dying again. Someone please help him! HE NEEDS TO FULFILL HIS DESTINY! *moon weeps*

*recovers from weeping* And what's up with Nightpaw?

Terror doesn't belong to me, she belongs to Casse Le Blaireau.

-Moon