Ok, many of you told me to update rather sooner than later and did not want to wait for the beta-version.
So here you go. As soon as I get the chapter back from my beta reader, I'll upload the final version. Just to assure you, there'll never be changes in the story line, mostly there are just grammar and spelling corrections and maybe the one or other added explanation if anything seemed unclear.
- Beta version is uploaded!
I still want to thank Nicole (aka Diannasbacon) for giving me constant feedback and that since the first chapter. I'm really grateful, especially since she is writing her own story in parallel. And I know how much work that is. :-)
I don't own Glee! Still not.
I'm glad you all liked the dad scene.
Chapter 43
Rachel stood in front of the Lima Bean coffee shop and felt quite nervous. Quinn had texted her that she would be fifteen minutes late. She had apologizing profoundly because her mom and sister had taken the Mini and got stuck in traffic. Judy's car had a flat tire and Francine had come by train. That was why they had borrowed the rental car to run some last errands and why Quinn had to walk all the way to Lima Bean now.
Despite all that Rachel had managed to face, she had yet to do something as simple as going into a coffee shop or restaurant by herself. She had always visited the little vegan place close to her apartment with her dads when they were still in the city after her accident. Supermarket visits did not count, it was never required of her to talk or communicate much there; usually she could see the sum above the cash register and hand out the money.
She debated whether to meet Quinn half way or to work up the spunk and enter.
It would definitely be easier to wait for Quinn.
Then again, sooner or later she would have to learn to face people and situations without an interpreter. Carmen had wanted to train such situations with her in the beginning, but Rachel had always refused, feeling too shy and vulnerable, even with her teacher at her side.
Carmen accepted that Rachel needed more time to face certain situations and encounters.
Little did Carmen know that Rachel's friends had managed to break the former singer out of her cocoon. Rachel wondered why something as little as ordering coffee for herself and Quinn was such a major thing now. She had gone to a Broadway show; she had been to a club and even Quinn's concerted, why was it so hard to do something so simple now?
The fact was that there was almost always someone with her who knew about her condition and who could interpret for her. Now, she would be all by herself in very familiar surroundings. Rachel realized that was what disturbed her most.
It was not the facing the situation alone, it was more the familiar setting and the fear of not being able to handle being reminded of the "good" old times. A time when the Lima Bean had been one of the few places she felt home - besides the choir room.
She had three choices. Either wait for Quinn outside and freeze her toes off, step inside, sit quietly in the corner and wait for her girlfriend to order – or she could do the most reasonable thing.
Go inside, order the damn coffees and surprise Quinn with a nice warm drink after her walk through the cold.
God, it was pathetic. Something that never caused her to think twice in the past was now causing her brain to reel and her stomach to churn inside.
Looking at the time on her phone, she realized that Quinn would still need more time until she got there. Rachel was getting really cold.
She hoped she would not meet any of her old friends in there, she needed to tackle one thing at a time.
Rachel took a deep breath and walked up the stairs, her heart hammering in her chest.
Opening the door, the familiar smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted across the room to her and for a second she felt pulled back in time. Only this time the whole scenery was enfolding soundlessly in front of her. Rachel blinked quickly and zoomed back into the present. Without looking left or right she headed for the bar. Luckily there seemed to be a lull in the customer stream and she was the only one ready to order.
She already knew what she would get and what to order for Quinn, vaguely remembering the special blend she had liked in high school.
When the petite woman noticed the guy behind the counter looking at her, she concentrated hard on his lips. Rachel guessed up front what he would say – they usually asked you the same thing all the time at such stores. So it was easy to read from his lips.
After his obligatory Hi, what can I get you, Rachel placed her order.
"Hi, I'll have one medium Chai Latte with soy milk and one Mocchachino with regular milk, large, please. I'd like to have the chai tea with cinnamon on top and a small shot of caramel." Nervously she licked her lips, trying to not stare too obviously but needing to keep her attention on his face to notice if he was saying something else.
The problem was that he tilted his head while writing down her order and she could only see his jaw move, not sure if what he was saying was directed at her. When she did not reply, the guy looked up questioningly.
"Excuse me, I…. I can't hear you. Can you please look at me directly and repeat slowly what you were saying or write it down?" she asked with her heart beating so hard she was afraid he might see it through her thick winter coat.
After a second of digesting what she had said, he nodded, said "sure", which was easy enough to pick up and scribbled something down on the notepad in front of him.
You want it to go or are you staying here?
A little relieved she smiled at him. "We'll stay here."
You want chocolate powder on top of the Mocchachino? He scribbled below his first question.
"Yes, please."
"Ok," he nodded and set to work. Rachel cast a cautious glance around, but did not recognize anyone familiar, which relieved her immensely. Then she cast her attention back on the guy serving her in order to not miss it if he tried to get her attention.
When finished, he placed the two cups in front of her, pointed at the one with the cinnamon on top and said "Chai."
Rachel nodded her comprehension and placed a ten dollar bill on the counter and took the change back. With the two cups in her hand she sauntered over to a small table with comfortable seats in a corner to the left of the counter and sat down. She fished out her mobile again, bent over the device and sent Quinn a quick message.
Hi sweet, I secured us a table and two nice hot drinks :-).
So you can warm up quickly.
The answer did not take long to arrive.
Thaaaaank you honey, my hands are freezing
despite the gloves. The coffee will help,
but you and a kiss will make it even better!
Just met an old cheerio friend that held me up for a second,
but I'll be with you in about ten. I'm running!
Rachel smiled, placed the phone on the table and turned to dig out a small notebook from her bag. She had started something like a diary some time ago. Whenever she felt that something noteworthy had happened, she would write it down. She had actually done this already very early after the accident, but stopped it after the first three months since her life had only turned into a dreary routine. She had - first sporadically, then more often – began to note down her thoughts, feelings and progresses again only with Quinn entering her life.
Bent over the paper, she suddenly noticed someone standing at her table out of the corner of her eye. She looked up, smiling brightly with the expectation to see Quinn.
When she noticed her mistake, her smile faltered.
"Shelby," she breathed rather ungraciously, quickly trying to fix a smile back into her face. She only half succeeded.
Shelby smiled an honest and wide smile "Hi Rachel!" She opened her arms a little and said something that looked like don't I get a hug when Rachel had not moved from her chair.
Slowly Rachel got up and hugged the other woman, letting herself be held for a couple of seconds before drawing back. This surprise meeting was something that she had not considered at all. She expected meeting some old friends maybe, but Shelby? She had not been on Rachel's radar for the Lima Bean Café at all.
She miserably failed to show the same enthusiasm as Shelby and felt a little ashamed.
Then she noticed the other woman point at the second glass and watched her lips move.
"Sorry, you…interrupt…ok, Rachel?" was all she understood.
After a moment, Shelby repeated her name. "Rachel?"
Shelby noticed Rachel's questioning look and her being focused on her lips only.
"Are you ok? You ... pale."
At least that she had managed to understand
"I, um, I, yeah, I'm ok."
Rachel looked down at her tea and then back up at her birth mother. Might as well spill the beans now, she thought. It would not make sense to put it off any longer since Shelby would surely notice what exactly was wrong with her anyway.
Before she could say anything, she saw the other woman's mouth move again. Quickly, she cast her eyes on her lips, but she had missed the beginning of the sentence and thus did not understand at all what the former Vocal Adrenaline coach said.
She grimaced before she could stop herself.
Rachel watched Shelby furrow her brows, studying her.
Then the other woman was astonishingly quick to make the connection.
Rachel noticed the smile disappear from her face and be replaced by a look of confusion and then dismay as the realization dawned. After a couple of seconds Shelby pointed at Rachel and then at her own ear. Those were not standard ASL signs, but nevertheless they helped Rachel to understand the question the other woman was asking.
"Can you hear me?" Shelby asked hesitantly.
Rachel swallowed and bit her lip. Then she slowly shook her head. "I… um, no." Then she noticed another figure nearing them and a wave of relief flooded though her. The feeling was so strong that she almost felt like crying.
"Quinn!" She hd never felt happier to see her girlfriend.
Shelby turned around and greeted the blonde woman with a smile and light hug.
"Hello Quinn, what a surprise! Good to see you."
Raising her hands hesitatingly she looked at Rachel to ask if it was ok to interpret. Rachel nodded.
Quinn immediately interpreted the older woman's and her own words, noticing the questioning look on Shelby's face. Apparently Rachel's mother was a little surprised at the familiarity that Quinn displayed with the American sign language.
"Hello Shelby, I did not expect to see you here." With a quick glance at Rachel the blonde asked,signing without voicing the words: Are you ok?
Rachel nodded. Quinn slid into the seat next to Rachel, exchanging a quick kiss with her.
That's for me? She asked and pulled the cup close after her girlfriend nodded. Thanks, and she pecked a short kiss on Rachel's cheek.
Only then did she notice Shelby's astonished look. This time it was not caused by the sign language but rather the intimate gestures the two younger women had just shared.
"Mind if I sit down for a moment?" the brown haired woman asked, looking from Quinn to Rachel.
Rachel shook her head hesitatingly. She nudged her chin at the seat opposite her, indicating for Shelby to sit down.
"I… um, I guess a lot happened in your lives since we last talked," Shelby breathed and lowered herself into the chair.
Quinn interpreted and Rachel answered. "Yes. I guess it has."
Then the blonde tapped her on the arm. Let me sit next to Shelby, that will make it easier for you to see my hands.
She got up and explained to Shelby why she wanted to switch seats.
"Oh. Right."
After a moment of awkward silence, Shelby reached across the table and grabbed Rachel's hand. Looking up from playing with her drink, Rachel found her mother's eyes gazing at her intently. She already anticipated the next question.
"What happened?" The older woman's gaze flicked between Rachel and Quinn, not sure who would be doing the explaining.
"You mean with us or with Rachel?" Quinn asked with a small smile while her hands moved through the air.
"Ah, both I'd say."
Quinn looked at her girlfriend and with a little nod Rachel told her that she herself would do the explaining.
After she had given the short version of events that led to her deafness, Rachel found Shelby sitting in her chair, brows furrowed, looking at her. Then she watched her slowly letting out a long breath.
Looking at Quinn, Shelby asked: "So she is…" then corrected herself before either of the other two could say anything and looked at Rachel, "So you are completely deaf?"
"Yes. And no, there is not much they can do about it currently, in case you were wondering." She answered the next unspoken question once Quinn had interpreted.
"Rachel, I don't know what to say." Shelby blinked and shook her head slightly. "How… What…. how did you…do you cope with this all?"
The petite woman fiddled a little more with the spoon in her cup, sorting her thoughts before she told Shelby about her time in the hospital, her lessons with Carmen and her trying just to get through every day. Shelby seemed genuinely concerned and interested in the whole situation and when she kept asking for more and more details, her daughter proceeded telling her about the emotional ups and downs, her failures and little successes.
Just like Hiram and Leroy, she was surprised when she learned that Rachel's friends had managed to coax her to go the club and a musical. And that she had managed to attend Quinn's concert.
Shelby was especially interested in how Rachel experienced those events without her hearing.
Rachel was a bit astonished at the level of details that Shelby wanted to know, but sensing her truthfulness behind the questions, she was willing to explain as much as she could.
Quinn acted as an interpreter and did not say much otherwise, giving Rachel the possibility to describe everything her way.
After all of her questions had been answered, Shelby digested everything for a while with a pensive look on her face. Quinn and Rachel exchanged a small smile across the table and sipped on their drinks.
"So what happens now?" Shelby then asked, following Quinn's hands as she interpreted her words.
Rachel looked at the dark haired woman questioningly. "What do you mean what happens now?"
"Maybe that's a little early to ask … I don't know …but do you know what you want to do now?" Shelby rephrased her question with a sympathetic look.
Rachel shrugged and started fiddling with the spoon in her glass again. That was a question she had dreaded, tough it seemed so typical for the former choir coach, who always needed a vision or a plan or an idea how to continue. Then setting forth with fierce determination to turn it into reality.
She wished she could say the same for herself now.
Shelby watched Rachel continue to play with her spoon before she placed a hand on her daughter's to still the nervous movements.
Rachel was not willing to speak of her dreams to Shelby yet. They were still too fragile to be discussed with someone she was not as close as with her dads, or her friends. Let alone that she had not even told her dads about her thoughts yet. It had been ok to speak about the accident and the consequences with Shelby, but not her dreams. Not yet.
Shelby leaned forward slightly, surprising Rachel with her next question.
"Will you give up the show biz completely? Maybe you could still act."
When Rachel felt her head jerked up, she knew she just had betrayed herself, because Shelby obviously read in her face that she had hit the bull's eye. However, why was it that people thought she could still do it? Even though she dreamed about it and somehow had the irrational hope she could somehow manage to do it, it surprised her that others thought the same.
"You have thought about it." The other woman stated with a hint of a smile.
"Well, yes, but I don't want to discuss it. I still need some time to come to terms with all … this."
Shelby nodded. "It's ok. I don't want to rush or intrude. Just know that whenever you need help, support or… whatever, I'll try to do as much as I can." And she looked her daughter sincerely in the eyes.
"Thank you, Shelby," Rachel managed in a small voice, a little overwhelmed at the gesture. She had almost expected rejection of her dream, especially from someone as talented as Shelby Corcoran. That she actually offered her support was something the petite woman had not expected.
Giving Rachel some time to ponder her offer, Shelby turned to look at Quinn, smiling.
"And…. How… I mean, I know you went to school together, but you seem to be a little more than just old friends… if I may say so…" She let her voice drift off.
Quinn sighed and smiled. "Well, that's a long story and better be told another time, maybe. Let's just say we met at the community center where Rachel is taking ASL lessons. We didn't have much contact before…," this comment earned her a challenging look with a raised eyebrow from Rachel, "Well, we didn't have any contact for about four years, but we managed to… reconnect and, well, found out that we love each other. Have loved each other for a long time."
"I see." Shelby's gaze wandered between her daughter's and Quinn's face.
"How come neither of you told me about any of this? That you didn't have any contact anymore and what happened then…"
Both younger women shrugged simultaneously. "Don't know, it was hard for me to not see Rachel and I just couldn't talk about it to anyone. Not even my old friends," Quinn explained.
"Same for me. There was just too much pain involved to talk about it." Rachel added. "But that's the past. Today everything looks different," she added with a glance directed at Quinn.
Shelby genuinely smiled, stating: "I'm happy for you, for both of you."
"Thank you," Rachel managed a little shyly, but nevertheless glad to find acceptance in the other woman and not only in her relationship with Quinn.
After noticing that neither woman wanted to say more, Quinn took the chance to change the subject. "How's Beth?"
"Oh, she's fine. She's happy that she's going to see you, Quinn. And you, too, Rachel. I told her you would be joining us for our Christmas dinner as well. She never stopped talking about you after she saw you in Funny Girl… ah, I mean, I… sorry I brought that up." Shelby stuttered.
"It's ok Shelby. No need to avoid the topic. It was an important part of my life, so it's fine to talk about it."
Shelby and Quinn turned suddenly when a blonde girl came scampering over to their table, stopping short when she saw the other two women, acting a bit shy all of a sudden.
"Hi mom!"
Shelby got up "Speak of the devil," she smiled at the women and turned to greet her daughter, chatting shortly with the other mother who had brought Beth over after her visit to her friend's house.
When the other woman left, Shelby knelt in front of Beth. Quinn decided to interpret the small conversation for Rachel's benefit.
"Ready for your tea?"
Beth nodded enthusiastically.
"Wanna say hello to Quinn and Rachel first?" Shelby waved at the other two young women.
Rachel noticed how Beth eyes wandered from her to Quinn and then stayed glued on Quinn's hands.
Not answering her mother's questions she asked the blond woman: "Why do you make those funny movements with your hand?"
"Remember Kindergarten, when that lady came to teach you to speak with your hands? You sang these little songs and signed the words along." Shelby explained.
The girl's eyes lit up. "Yeah, Ms. Baily. Is that what you're doing? Speaking with your hands? Why?"
Quinn nodded. "Yes. That's what I'm doing." She answered and looked at her girlfriend.
"And why?" The little girl asked again.
Rachel found the courage to speak up. "Because I can't hear, Beth. Quinn is interpreting your words with her hands, so I can understand."
Beth looked at her with big eyes.
Shelby introduced the brunette. "You remember Rachel?"
Beth nodded absently at her mother's question.
"You can't hear?" She asked curiously, looking at the brunette.
Shelby noticed that her tea had been forgotten and sat back down, pulling her daughter onto her lap.
Rachel shook her head.
"No. I can't hear anything." Rachel patiently answered, looking at the small, blond girl with the same hazel eyes as Quinn's. The resemblance was amazing.
"Not even if I scream?" Judging from the face the little girl made, Rachel guessed she had raised her voice considerable, causing her mother to shush her.
Rachel threw Quinn an almost amused look. Sometimes kids were so easy to deal with in their directness. No false pretense, no worries that they might overstep boundaries, they just asked what came into their mind.
"No, I won't hear you even if you scream," Rachel explained.
"But you can still talk!" Beth observed.
"Yes I can. I just can't hear myself speak, so it is a bit hard to know how I sound like sometimes."
Beth stuffed her fingers in her own ears and sang "Lalalala", trying to experience what Rachel had just told her.
"I can still hear myself in my head. It sounds funny," she observed.
Quinn laughed. "Yes. You can't really not hear. It's not like closing your eyes and you don't see anything."
Beth thought about that for a moment. "So can you still hear yourself in your head?"
Rachel shook her head again. "No, Beth, I can't hear myself talk, not even in my head."
Beth looked at Rachel, trying to understand what this meant.
"But that's really sad, because then you also can't hear music anymore." The girl stated a little down.
Shelby opened her mouth to stop her daughter's flow of comments and question, not wanting to bother Rachel any further with the topic.
Rachel just lifted her hand to stop her. After having seen the interpretation coming from Quinn's hands, she said:
"Yes, that is true and I really miss listening to music." It was surprisingly easy to talk to Beth about her hearing loss and what it entailed. The little girl made it easy with her curiosity and the fact that she kept looking at Rachel as if she could still hear while she absorbed the signs from Quinn's hands instead.
Quinn was so proud of Rachel for going through the Q & A session with Beth so patiently. It even looked as if her girlfriend enjoyed the honest exchange with the little girl a bit. And she had to admit that she was also proud of her daughter to be so open and accepting of Rachel's deafness. Quinn was relieved that the unplanned encounter had taken on such a positive course.
Beth leaned forward and then her face lit up again a little. "But if you can still talk, then you can still sing, can't you?"
Rachel let out a small laughter. It was always so easy for kids, though this time Rachel had a hard time finding the right answer to that.
Her eyes skipped from Quinn to Shelby and back to Beth.
"Well, it's a bit difficult to sing if I can't hear the music, don't you think?" Rachel gently asked back.
Beth seemed to think about that and then came up with an answer. "Hm, but you can sing without music then! Mom does it all the time at home when she's cooking or in the shower!"
Shelby rolled her eyes, accompanied with a small reproachful "Beth!" directed at the forthcoming nature of her daughter.
This time Rachel did not know what to say to the girl's comment.
"Well, can't you?" Beth asked a little more subdued when she did not get an answer.
Quinn didn't know what to say either. She couldn't contradict Beth. She had heard Rachel sing, even if it was just a short line. But she had heard her.
She saw the same thoughts chasing through Rachel's mind as their eyes met. The same conflict of not wanting to lie to the child was clearly visible in the brown eyes. Though Quinn still didn't know how much Rachel had actually managed to sing with Kurt before the Last Christmas song.
Shelby picked up the silent communication between the two women and decided to steer her daughter clear from the topic. She leaned forward and looked at the blonde girl from the side.
"Beth, I think singing is not as easy as talking if you can't hear yourself, "she explained softly. "And maybe we should stop bombarding Rachel with so many questions, don't you think?"
"But mom…!"
"Beth, Rachel will visit us in a couple of days, maybe you can ask her more questions then. But I believe it's enough for now."
Beth looked chastened at the table and played with a napkin.
Rachel felt bad for being the cause of the little girl getting reprimanded. Before she could say anything, Quinn turned to her daughter.
"Do you want to learn some signs so you can talk to Rachel?"
The girl perked up again at the offer.
"Yes! And I will try to remember some signs that Ms. Baily taught us until you come visit us, Rachel!" The girl's enthusiasm was back.
Shelby got up and Beth slid off her lap. "I'll get us something to drink, if you don't mind us staying for a moment longer," she directed at the two other women.
Rachel shook her head. "No, that's fine." And she meant it.
Despite her shock at meeting her mother unprepared, she actually liked the company, especially Beth's. The young girl was bright and refreshingly uncomplicated. It was a nice change to talk to someone who did not tread on light feet around her disability or was tying a knot in their brain to find the right way of addressing her.
Quinn and Rachel taught Beth some basic signs and greetings and the blonde girl enthusiastically greeted her mom when she came back with their drinks.
"Mom, look, I can say "My name is Beth" and "how are you" in sign language"!" And she turned to Rachel to perform the correct signs.
Rachel smiled approvingly. "Very good, Beth. That was perfect!"
Out of the corner of her eye she noticed the proud look on Quinn's face. She was absolutely enthralled at how her daughter wanted to learn to communicate with her girlfriend and how quickly she had picked up the signs.
The blonde excused herself for a moment to head to the bathroom.
Beth started asking something and then looked for Quinn while talking. Rachel furrowed her brows and tried to see what she was saying, but Beth having her head turned away, she was not able to read her lips.
Beth picked up quite quickly on the importance of Quinn's interpretation, even though she kept looking at Rachel when speaking to her. But now that the other woman was gone, the girl wasn't sure how Rachel could understand.
Sensing the girl's insecurity, Rachel reached across the table and tapped Beth on the arm to get her attention. When the girl turned, she explained:
"Beth, you can ask me directly. If you face me, I can try to read your lips."
"Really?"
"Yes, if you in speak short sentences and not too fast." Rachel explained. At that moment Quinn joined them again. Seeing Rachel and Beth engaged in a conversation without her help, she watched curiously.
"How do you say 'I'm fine?'" the girl then asked, looking in Rachel's direction, making an effort to speak slowly. Quinn rested her hands in her lap, waiting to see if Rachel had understood. Rachel smiled at the little girl's consideration.
The brunette showed her the appropriate sign and also the signs how to ask how the other person was. Beth wanted to replay the whole conversation without talking.
When they finished their silent little exchange, Beth clapped delighted into her hands, exclaiming excitedly: "Oh, that's fun! I can talk to you without talking!" The other three women laugh. Quinn had taken up to interpreting again.
While the conversation lightly went back and forth between the two women and the little girl, Rachel felt Shelby's eyes on her. She could not quite read what was going on behind those green eyes as she was concentrating more on Beth, but she felt a little as if she was under a microscope.
At one point, Quinn got up and offered to buy another round of coffees and teas. Shelby suggested that Beth accompany her to help carry the cups.
Rachel knew that Shelby wanted a minute alone with her. Seeing the long line at the counter, they would have quite some time for themselves. The brunette was not sure if she liked that.
Shelby made a writing gesture with her hand, asking aloud in parallel if Rachel had something to write on. She nodded and pulled a small notepad out of her handbag and handed it to the other woman.
Rachel, I'm still overwhelmed with everything I learned today.
Rachel snorted. "Tell me about it. I didn't expect to meet you here. I had planned on a nice long explanation when I would come to dinner, but I guess the universe had different plans."
Rachel was relieved to see that her little joke made Shelby smile.
Apparently.
I will need some time to digest all this. But if there is anything I can help you with, I meant what I said earlier. Let me know.
Rachel nodded. "I will."
She paused for a moment. Then a strange thought came to her mind. She had no idea why it came up now and why, of all people, she would want to ask Shelby, but part of her instinctively knew that she would get an honest answer from the vocal coach.
"There is something you could do."
Shelby raised her eyebrows slightly in question. Her warm smile made it a bit easier for Rachel to work up her courage to pose the next question.
"I… um, I haven't heard myself speak in almost nine months. How… how do I sound? Does my voice sound different?"
Once it was out, Rachel wanted to bite her tongue. What had possessed her to ask Shelby these questions?
Shelby, apparently sensing Rachel's unease, quickly grabbed one of her hands and squeezed it lightly, before writing something on the pad.
Rachel, don't feel ashamed for asking that question. And I feel honored that you would asked me. So I will answer it honestly, ok?
The younger woman nodded slowly, chewing on her lower lip after reading the comment.
"I'm afraid I might lose the ability to inflect my voice with the right intonation over time." She said almost in a whisper.
Shelby continued writing.
You do sound a little different. If I didn't know your voice so well, I wouldn't have noticed it. But something is different. You sound a little bit more nasal.
"Oh." Rachel swallowed. So she was losing some ability to inflect her voice correctly. Just speaking alone did not help apparently. She probably needed regular training to keep the ability applying correct intonation.
Shelby cocked her head.
Have you thought about taking speech lessons?
"I had some in the beginning." The brunette thought for a moment. "Maybe I should take them up again. I guess the longer I can't hear, the harder it will be to remember and to keep up the right inflection. I don't know…" she let her voice trail off, a little at a loss for words, having ignored this topic over the past months.
Rachel, I don't want to impose, but if you want help, I have a friend in NYC you could work with. Her name is Jasmine Bernstein. She is a vocal teacher and she has a degree in training and teaching children or adults with speech impairments.
Rachel's head jerked up and Shelby held out a pacifying hand, writing another explanation.
Don't get me wrong, as I have said before, your voice is ok. You still sound good, but maybe it will be easier by starting early to work on keeping that level of intonation etc. that you have now rather than having to re-learn certain things later.
Rachel took a couple of breaths. These were some clear and straight forward statements. These thoughts had always been in the back of her mind, but she had not found the courage to actively address them. It was still too hurtful to think about being robbed of the ability to express herself verbally. Especially if she wanted to pursue her dream further.
Having Shelby mirror her very own thoughts, lead Rachel to look at the whole topic from a different angle. She should stop denying.
Slowly, Rachel nodded and forced herself to say the next sentence.
"It would be nice if you could give me her contact details." It would be easier working with someone who did not know her, which was a relief at least.
Shelby looked at her with sincere eyes. Then she bent her head and wrote a question.
I'll send you her details via text message, would that be ok?
"Yes." Rachel nodded.
Another sentence appeared on the pad.
Now I know why you never answered my calls. I know I didn't call very often, but I have started to wonder why you would answer my e-mails, but never my calls. Shelby smiled wistfully and Rachel found her empty glass suddenly very interesting.
Again, she felt Shelby's hand on her own. Looking up she saw Shelby mouth "It's ok," and a warm smile graced the older woman's features.
Quinn and Beth came back with their order, laughing. The blonde woman immediately picked up on the slight tension that still lingered between the other two women and slowly placed the cups on the table, her eyes darting back and forth between Shelby and Rachel.
Everything ok? She asked without voicing the words, clearly wanting to keep this conversation private.
Rachel nodded. I'll tell you later. Everything is fine. Just discussed a sensitive topic.
Taking the cup from Beth's tray, she smiled at the girl. "Thank you, Beth."
The conversation then settled around the little girl and how she was doing at school, whom did she make friends with and what she liked to do in her free time. Quinn asked most of the questions and kept interpreting for Rachel. Beth would ask her about one or the other sign in between, clearly still interested in sign language.
Quinn noticed how Shelby and Rachel threw each other occasional looks, as if trying to gauge the other woman's mood. She wondered what they had discussed while she and Beth had stood in line.
… … …
When Shelby and Beth were about to leave, the little girl gave Rachel a fierce hug and held her for a moment.
"I like you Rachel, and I'm happy that I get to see you again! I will learn more signs for you," she promised which made Rachel smile fondly at the girl.
"I'll be happy to see you again, Beth. Take care and thank you for wanting to learn sign language for me."
Shelby hugged her daughter as well and then held her face in her hands, just looking into her eyes, never letting her warm smile waver.
Then she let got and embraced Quinn, after the blonde had disentangled herself from Beth.
After the mother and daughter left, Quinn switched places again and both women hugged for a long moment.
When Rachel pulled back, she sighed. "Well, that went better than I expected. Beth is really adorable. She's a great kid. Wonder whom she got it from," she then smiled. "Must be her dad," she then teased.
Quinn softly punched her in the arm. "Hey!" But she laughed as well.
Yes, Beth is really lovely. Shelby does a great job raising her.
Rachel placed a hand on Quinn's cheek and fixed her own eyes on the hazel orbs. "Do you regret sometimes that you gave her up?"
Quinn pulled her head back and let her eyes wander around the café before settling on her girlfriend.
I don't know, to be honest. I still think it was the right decision at that times and I'm so glad that she has Shelby as a mom. I just keep wondering how it would have been had the circumstances been different and it would have been easier for me to raise my own child without the whole pressure to keep up a perfect facade. But I realize it's fruitless wondering about that now.
As quickly as the sad look appeared on the beautiful face, as quickly it was replaced by a loving and honest smile.
Considering the circumstances, I'm very lucky that things turned out the way they have. I can still see my child, I know where and how she grows up, I know she has a loving home and who her friends are, she grinned at that and poked Rachel in the side playfully.
"You think I'm her friend?"
Yes, definitely! Haven't you noticed how she kept looking and smiling at you? And she is so eager to learn to sign to be able talk to you. She definitely has adopted you as a friend.
Rachel laughed. "I'd like that."
I bet she'll make Shelby learn some signs with her until Monday. She has that little tenacious attitude from somewhere… I don't know…, Quinn joked and Rachel laughed again.
They both sipped the rest of their now cold drinks.
"Will you be ok tonight and tomorrow at your mom's house? You are always welcome, if you want to come over, you know that, Quinn."
I know, thank you. My sister is home as well and it will be great to spend some time with her. I promise to come over tomorrow afternoon, ok?
"Oh yes, please do! I already miss you." Rachel pouted.
Me too. My mom and my sister have asked if you would like to come to dinner after the Glee Club meeting. They both would like to get to know you.
"Really? How do you feel about that? And do they know… I mean… that I'm deaf?"
Quinn nodded. Well, she had told Fran about Rachel's deafness, but not yet her mom. That was something she would have to do sooner than later.
If you feel comfortable, I'd be happy if you came over for dinner. But only if you want to. I know that it is a lot with all these different people you are going to meet over the holidays. Fran keeps on bugging me when she would meet you!
Rachel saw in Quinn's eyes that it would mean a lot to her if she came to visit her family. And she definitely wanted to get to know her sister. And learn more about Quinn's family members. So she agreed with a smile.
Quinn placed a soft kiss on her girlfriend's lips, not caring about what the other customers might think.
They finished their drinks and then walked a short distance together before Rachel had to turn left to head home. They embraced and kissed and held each other for a long moment before the cold drove them apart.
After walking a couple of steps, Rachel turned and gave a small wave towards Quinn who still stood there watching her girlfriend walk away.
Quinn had a bad feeling in her stomach all of a sudden. It was just a short flash, like a premonition. Quickly, she shook her head and pushed the feeling away. It was probably just too much caffeine, she told herself and trotted off towards her home, happy to catch up with her sister.
Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Currently refining chapter 46 and 47 is also already half done... yay, progress!
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Oh my god. I watched Lea's speech and it was so moving and heartbreaking. The look in her eyes ... there was so much pain and still she managed to get up on stage, show herself in front of millions of people so open vulnerable. That took some guts to do that. I'm still in awe.