Oh my, I didn't think I'd leave such a trail of tears and broken hearts with my last chapter.

Sorry, sorry, sorry! Wasn't my intention! I thank you all for your honest words!

Guess I have to update sooner than I planned...

Guest1: Oh, I wish I could write you a happy ending. Thank you for your review.

Chapter 47

Quinn pushed the door open and her eyes fell on Kurt who was standing at the stairs, looking at her with sad eyes. The blonde got a sinking feeling in her stomach at seeing the expression on his face.

"Where is Rachel?" she asked with a low voice, already fearing the worst.

"She, uh, she … just …." He made a halfhearted gesture in the direction Rachel had taken off.

When Quinn wanted to start after her, Kurt held her by the arm. "Wait, Quinn. I think she needs some time."

"What do you mean? Time for what?" Quinn was confused.

Kurt seemed to know something she was not aware of. It made her feel completely uneasy, on top of already feeling guilty at not having noticed how uncomfortable Rachel had felt during their jam session soon enough.

Something seemed to be gripping her heart and squeeze it hard. It was difficult to breathe all of a sudden. All the strange feelings and premonitions she had over the past days came rushing back.

Oh god, oh god.

What was going on? What had she missed? She felt like someone was pulling the floor from under her feet and there was nothing to steady her.

Quinn felt a sob leave her throat and raked her hands through her hair. Jesus, she was not going to lose it right here and now. 'Get a grip on yourself', Quinn ordered herself.

"Where did she go, Kurt?"

Kurt placed both hands on the blonde's upper arms. "Quinn! Listen." God, how should he say the next words?

Quinn finally turned her head away from the stairs and looked at Kurt with weary eyes.

"I don't like the way you are looking at me. What the hell did she tell you?"

Kurt hesitated for a moment.

"Rachel just realized that even though she has made progress over the past months, nothing that she had learned will ever replace her hearing in the end. It all gets better, she learns to adapt but at a certain point there will not be any further progress. And no matter how much she will learn to adapt and how much we will learn to adapt, it – she - will never be the same. Nothing will ever be able to make up for her loss completely."

He paused a moment before continuing.

"And she knows that no matter how much she tries, she will never be able to appreciate you completely. She thinks that she will always hold you back."

Quinn jerked out of his grip. "That is absolute fucking BULLSHIT, Kurt!"

He looked at her for a long moment and then asked quietly. "Is it?"

The simple question deflated Quinn's anger.

She sank down to sit on the stairs. Kurt mimicked her movement and sat down next to her.

Quinn needed a moment to sort out the thoughts raging inside her head. This sounded so much like Rachel wanted to break up with her! This just could not happen. This was not real!

They had waited for so long to confess their love to each other and now, just because of a fucking twist of fate, just because of some fucking drunk driver who couldn't get his life straight, their lives were ruined? And just because of Rachel's disability and her own choice of profession, they would never have a chance to truly be happy?

It was so UNFAIR!

Quinn replayed their last moments in the choir room, trying to see it from Rachel's perspective.

It had been nice to sing and sign Imagine for her, but as soon as they slipped into their old routine, it must have been like a slap in the face for Rachel. It must have clearly shown to her that she would never be able to participate in that part of their lives anymore.

No one had wanted to shut Rachel out deliberately. The dynamic of the session had just naturally shifted to them singing and jamming. And Quinn had felt so happy at that moment to be able to reconnect with her old friends that she had not even noticed that Rachel had left.

Jesus, how could she have been so oblivious and careless?

She was so ashamed of herself. Quinn was forcing back the tears. "God, it must have been awful for Rachel to see us all so happy while knowing that she … and then I don't even realize how bad she must have felt. I'm her girlfriend. I should have noticed!"

"Quinn, that is exactly what Rachel meant. You shouldn't feel bad for having fun! She doesn't want you to always feel as if you're obligated to go after her, trying to make her feel comfortable all the time. She knows that singing is your life and she doesn't want to stand in your way. Having this disability will always require making compromises. And that is something she doesn't want you to do."

"But… but…" Quinn was at a loss for words.

Then she told Kurt what she had never told anyone before. It had been hard enough admitting it to herself, let alone telling someone else. Kurt, she felt, could probably understand her. She got up and started pacing before she found the right words to say. Walking always helped her think.

"I have to admit that sometimes it is exhausting to always have to think about how this and that would affect Rachel and how to make sure she still enjoys herself. Sometimes, I feel like I have to be on constant alert if we are with other people. I'm always torn between wanting to be there for her and just enjoy myself and be myself without having to worry for once. I mean, I still enjoy being with her, but when we are with other people I just feel ...on guard. I feel like I'm not allowed to relax. Not because she doesn't want me to, she doesn't put that pressure on me, it's because I don't allow myself to."

She stopped pacing and looked at Kurt.

"And she knows that, Quinn. She knows that no matter what she tells you, you will always feel and act that way." Kurt told Quinn gently.

"I know she can't enjoy things the way I can; we all can. And on the other hand, I just want to let loose once in a while. That makes me such a bad person!"

Quinn started walking back and forth again.

"And I feel so selfish for thinking that! How can I, who has achieved so much in my life, think like that when Rachel has lost everything? How egoistic and mean is that, Kurt? You know, even though Rachel insists that I have changed, that I'm not that person from high school anymore, I don't agree. I think I still am that heartless, self-centered bitch!"

Kurt got up and stopped Quinn in her tracks and forced her to look at him.

"Quinn, that is not true! And you know that in your heart! How could the HBIC from all those years ago have managed to help Rachel come so far after her accident? You have changed. Or rather, you have finally let the real 'you' come out. Yes, part of you is still the same person from all those years ago. But that is a good thing, because that part drives you and makes you want to succeed! Rather than trying to get everything by force and bullying, you have found the part in you that manage to see things differently and to act differently in a kinder and wiser way. You have finally managed to connect to your heart, Quinn."

Kurt looked at his friend and when she would not meet his gaze, he said, "Quinn, what does your heart tell you now?" He had so much more to say, but Quinn needed to listen to her own inner voice.

The blonde sniffed a couple of times.

"My heart says that I love this woman like crazy, that even though she is deaf, she is still the most beautiful, wonderful, inspiring and fun person to be with. Even though life might be more complicated now than it should be, nothing weighs more than the fact that I love her. And yes, even though it hurts to know that she can never experience a certain part of my life, it's nothing that would make me want to break up with her. I believe that we still have such a deep connection that we can find a way to deal with everything."

Quinn let out a long breath and turned towards the direction Rachel had disappeared to.

"I just don't know… I thought she was ... We were...getting through this."

"Quinn, no matter what progress Rachel has made, something like that cannot be accepted or overcome in a matter of months. I was surprised at how much she was willing to try already, but maybe it was too much or too fast and everything just caught up with her when she saw us singing in there."

"Do you think I have been pushing her too much?" Quinn looked devastated.

Kurt shook his head. "No, Quinn. You were really careful and respectful with everything you did and planned for her. And you always gave her a choice. I have never seen you force her to do anything over the past months, neither has Rachel said one word on this account. I really do think that she took all those choices deliberately because she wanted to move forward and get her life back. All I'm saying is that maybe she put too much pressure upon herself instead of taking more time."

Quinn swallowed hard.

"I need to find her."

Kurt nodded. "Want me to come with you?"

Quinn shook her head. "Thanks Kurt, but no." And she hugged him shortly before she ran down the stairs. After a couple of steps, she turned and called back: "Did Rachel tell you where she went?"

He shook his head. "No."

Kurt watched his friend bound down the rest of stairs and hoped so much that the two would manage to get through this. He wanted this so much for Rachel.

... ... ...

Rachel wandered aimlessly around the streets. She had no idea where to go. She didn't want to go home. Nothing felt like home anymore. Quinn had been her "home".

She felt so utterly lost at that moment. She had no one to turn to and nowhere to go. Nothing that came into her mind could give her any consolation.

After wandering around the town for one and a half hours, she felt her feet get really cold. Rachel was not really dressed for a long winter hike, but she still did not feel like facing anyone. So she kept walking, completely ignoring her phone that had vibrated several times in her pocket.

Lost in thoughts, she crossed the street not looking left or right and neither heard the brakes squealing nor the other woman across the street shouting for her to look out. Only when she saw the hood of the car out of the corner of her eyes just inches from her legs, her head jerked up and she jumped backwards with a start.

Her heart almost stopped.

The car had literally come out of nowhere.

After a couple of seconds in which everything seemed to stand still, the shock ebbed away and the petite woman managed to step backwards onto the sidewalk.

The driver shouted something and angrily waved his hands before he drove off. The woman on the other side of the street kept looking in her direction and then slowly walked on.

Trying to get her breathing under control, Rachel sat on the small wall that bordered the sidewalk. She gulped down some breaths of air, her hand on her heart, trying to get it to stop beating like it wanted to jump out of her chest.

Jesus, that was a close call.

She remembered that she used to have a habit of crossing quieter streets in her hometown often without looking. She just relied on her hearing that would warn her of approaching traffic. Only now, that technique did not work anymore. She had to be more careful if she did not want to end up in the hospital again. One disability was enough to bear.

Then again, if a car hit her really hard, it might just very conveniently put her out of her misery. Right now, that was not such an unwelcome thought.

Rachel tried to pull the sleeves of her coat over her hands while she felt the cold from the stone wall sift through her clothes.

Did she really want to think about that option again? Did she want to give up already? After all she had gone through; it seemed like a cowardice choice. But it was still an option she could choose, if...

What had Quinn said how long it took to adjust to a disability? Up to four years? Four fucking years! No. That seemed like an eternity.

She gave herself two years. Not more. And almost half the time was already up.

Rachel had no idea how she was going to survive the next year,. It was her own damn choice to set Quinn free, but the thought of not having her - and inevitably Santana - in her life made her felt like she had been amputated a limb.

Slowly she got up, feeling so heavy in her heart that it required a real effort to start walking again.

Rachel took up her wanderings until she noticed a car drive up next to her. She did not pay much attention to it, but it kept following her, which was really creepy.

She walked faster. Looking up to try to orientate herself, she found that she had wandered to the opposite side of the town from where she lived. That meant quite a long walk back home.

The car came after her, then drove past her and stopped at the curb in front of her. A tall, dark haired woman got out and stepped in Rachel's way.

Finally recognizing who had been following her, Rachel breathed in relief.

Quinn had called Santana at some point when she wasn't able to find Rachel. Santana had wondered where both of the women and Kurt had disappeared to during their jam session and Kurt had filled her in when he came back into the choir room.

Everyone was really worried, but Kurt did not tell them all the details. He just pulled Santana aside and gave her the rough summary.

Santana had stormed out of the class room with a "Oh that Berry still hasn't forgotten how to make a dramatic exit" and left the rest of the stunned New Direction members in her wake to help Quinn find her missing girlfriend.

Quinn had told her where she had looked so Santana drove off in the opposite direction, finally spotting Rachel's small frame on the sidewalk.

The Latina did not expect a warm welcome and as expected, she did not get one from her friend.

"Santana. Jesus, you scared me. What do you want?"

"What do I want?" The Latina exclaimed with an incredulous look on her face.

"You know what, I don't care. Just leave me alone," Rachel retorted and brushed past her.

Santana grabbed her hand to hold her back. "Jesus, your hands are freezing. Don't you have gloves?"

Rachel pulled her hand back; she didn't even care what the other woman had said.

"Santana, I mean it. Leave me alone. I'm sick of having to guess what people are trying to say, I'm sick of forcing people having to write down something or learn sign language for me, I am just sick of everything. Just. Leave. Me. Alone!" Rachel turned to walk away.

The Latina ran after her, stopped in front of her again and placed a hand on Rachel's shoulder. Then she pointed two fingers at her own eyes and then pointed at herself.

Look at me!

But Rachel kept on walking until Santana grabbed her arms in such a strong hold that Rachel did not have a chance at escaping. She tried to wiggle out of the fierce grip, but the personal trainer was just too strong.

"Let me go! You are hurting me, Santana."

Not wanting to cause a scene in the middle of the street, Rachel stopped struggling against the hands that held her like a vice.

"Will you listen?" Santana asked, making sure Rachel could read her lips clearly since her hands were still occupied.

Rachel just looked to the side, pointedly showing her unwillingness to cooperate.

Santana did not let herself be deterred by the dismissal.

She released one of Rachel's arms, half expecting the former diva to break away, but to the Latina's surprise, the petite woman kept standing where she was. Slowly, Santana loosened her other hand. Carefully, she reached out and tilted Rachel's chin so she would look at her.

Rachel, I can understand that you are hurting. Believe me, I really can.

She watched as Rachel started to retort something, but she raised her hands to still her friend's answer.

Slowly and carefully, she tried to sign the next words, making a point by not writing them down.

Do you really think cutting all ties with Quinn and us will make you feel better? Don't you think that will hurt much more than simply not being able to share certain things? Now you won't be able to share anything with her.

Santana watched Rachel tremble, not sure if it was because of the cold or because of the whole situation or both.

She grabbed the brunette's arm again and pulled her towards her car.

Inside, they were at least out of the biting wind.

Rachel had not said anything, but let herself be dragged towards the car. When Santana opened the passenger door for her, Rachel slid inside after a moment of hesitation.

Santana got in on the other side and looked at her friend, never letting her gaze waver.

Then, she grabbed a pen and paper.

Rachel, I told you before that I think it is important for you to have friends who are also deaf. But shutting the rest of your friends out just because we can hear and still enjoy singing and music will not make you happier.
It is hard and it might always be hard, but you cannot exist without either one. You need both to be complete and happy. I'm not saying that this would be true for others in your situation, but you, Rachel, you need both! If you want to fulfill your dream of acting again, you need to be able function in a hearing world. So it won't help shutting yourself out.

"You finished?" The ice cold tone almost sliced the air between the two women.

God, why did Santana always know what was going on in Rachel's head? It was creepy how Santana always touched the sore spots, could bring her feelings out and openly voice them, even before Rachel knew them herself.

Santana shook her head.

No. I'll never be finished. Not with you, Berry, she signed before she continued writing.

I won't let you waste everything you have accomplished. It's ok to miss things; it's ok to feel sad because you could not join in with your friends today. And I get that it must fucking suck to know that it will never change. But it's not ok to throw everything away just because of some twisted logic of yours.
And it's not ok to disregard everything that Quinn had tried to do in order to convince you that she loves you.

"Right, so this is about Quinn. I get it, Santana; you're her friend after all." She turned and wanted to open the door when she felt the hard grip on her arm again which caused another bout of anger flare up. "Oh, and that twisted logic as you so well put it is just coming from the fact THAT I CAN'T HEAR, SANTANA! AND I PROBABLY NEVER WILL."

She screamed the last words and wanted nothing more than to storm out of the car. But the hands on her arm did not loosen their grip. Rachel was sure she would have bruises the next day, despite the thick coat she was wearing. She took a deep breath, trying to calm down.

"So how can you question my motives when my girlfriend's entire life work is based on singing and music, which is something that I will never be able to experience again? This is even harder than not being able to perform myself."

"God Rachel, get it into your damned thick head!" Santana exclaimed when Rachel turned her head towards the window again.

Then the Latina tried to explain herself by signing again to show Rachel how concerned she really was. She waited until Rachel finally turned back towards her and the Latina had the feeling that she would not bolt out of the door as soon as she let go of her arms.

I care about you both! Why do you think I ran after you and did not try to find Quinn first?

Rachel, just because I tell you things that might hurt or don't sound nice and pitiful does not mean I don't care. I really love you as a friend. And I want you to be happy. And yes, I also wish I could make you hear again so you would not have to go through this fucking ordeal!
I can't. But I can help you get through this and find the truth in you and help you face this whole fucking world.

"I hate you." Rachel managed to squeeze through her clenched teeth while the tears welled up again. "I really hate you, Santana Lopez."

Good, at least I caused some emotion. I hate being ignored.

"I mean it, Santana. Why can't you just let people live in their own worlds of pain, lies or happiness? Why can't you let people believe what they want to believe? Why do you always have to challenge them, force them to rethink their actions and feelings, pulling them out of their little worlds of comfort they create for themselves?"

Santana wanted to shake her friend and shout l into her face. Didn't she get it? Yes, it was frustrating not being able to talk freely with Rachel, but Santana was the last person to get off track by something like an inconvenience. Having exhausted pretty much her entire vocabulary, she opted for the pen and paper again.

Rachel, I don't do this for everyone. I do this for the people I deeply care about. Because I don't want them to waste their lives and their precious time because of some bullshit lies they tell themselves. I know you, Rachel. You are such a strong person, and being your friend, you should expect the best of me, because I also expect the best of my friends.

Santana watched Rachel while she read her words.

And currently you are not doing your best Rachel. You want to run away and hide. For the moment, it might be easier, but in the long run, it will not help you. I expect you to stand up and deal with the whole issue like the true Rachel Berry would. Heads on.

Rachel gaped at Santana at a loss for words. Then she turned and stared out of the window again. She was quiet for a long moment.

Expect the best of her? The best of her what? She wasn't best in anything anymore, least of all being herself. So what did Santana want from her?

She truly hated Santana for not letting her slide through this the way she wanted. She hated Santana for always making her face her inner demons, the ones she wanted to hide and ignore.

But as the saying went - love and hate lie close together; she also loved her friend for not giving up on her, for indeed expecting the best of her under all circumstances. But she would rather bite her tongue than tell Santana that right now.

"I repeat myself here, Santana, I meant what I said about hating your guts."

Santana was relieved when she saw the look in the brown eyes soften for the slightest bit.

"I get what you want from me. I'm not sure I can do this. I need time to think. Despite everything you just said, I also meant what I said. I need time. So please give me that. "

She looked into Santana's eyes and held the other woman's gaze for a moment until the Latina nodded.

Fair enough. That's all I'm asking.

They looked at each other for a moment longer, before Santana revved up the car.

"Home?" She asked with a raised eyebrow and Rachel nodded barely visibly.

She drove Rachel to her dads' house and dropped her off in front of her driveway.

Text me Rachel, if you want to talk. No matter when or where. Promise me you'll call.

Rachel raised her right eyebrow. "Call?"

Santana slapped her lightly on the arm. You know what I mean. Besides, blind people use the word 'see' all the time. Why shouldn't you use the word hear and everything that comes with it, figuratively speaking.

"Gee, I get it Santana." She rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll call if I need anything."

Good.

She watched as the petite woman climbed out of the car and slowly make her way towards the front door.

Santana sighed. She wanted both of her friends to be happy. She wanted their relationship to work so much. Both of them deserved the happiness.

The Latina would have never believed that the miracle for Quinn and Rachel to find and openly love each other would happen. But she had seen how deep and genuine their love was. And she would be damned if she did not do everything in her power to get them back on course.

She quickly texted Quinn that she had found Rachel and had dropped her off at home.

Now, next stop: Quinn Fabray. At least Santana knew where to find her. Though she wasn't sure about the state she would find her friend in. She just hoped that she would catch her at her home and that Quinn was not already on her way to the Berry's.

I'm sorry if this might not bring you the consolation you'd hoped for. Rachel just needs some time to sort this out and experience that true love can not be kept locked away. But the pain about her loss sits very deep and she needs to process this as well After all that happened during the past months.

So... Please bear with me! I'll try to update as soon as possible, though the chapter will not be beta read yet and updated later...(you know how it works by now :-) )

The comment to Guest1 was NOT referring to the story. Guess I had to clarify that seeing some of the reviews...

Thanks to Diannasbacon (Nicole) for the beta-reading!