I don't own Glee.

I'm sorry about the confusion regarding my remark to one guest comment.
And I applogize for the many hearts I seem to have broken with the directon my story is currently taking.

Life sometimes sucks and that is what Quinn and Rachel have to face just now.

But, if you manage to get through the problems and struggles, you will come out stronger and wiser in the end. And this is not the end. Not yet. :-)

Thank you for your honest reviews and follows and favorites!

And thank you Nicole for beta-reading!

Santana sent a text to Quinn as she was on her way to her friend's house.

Quinn, I'm coming over. Stay where you are.
Need 2 talk.
S.

Quinn did not send a reply and Santana did not expect one. She just hoped that her friend was still where she expected her to be.

When she knocked on the Fabray's front door a couple of minutes later, Quinn opened it herself. Her eyes were red from crying and she looked pale.

"You found her? How is she? Where is she? She didn't answer any of my texts. I'm so worried!"

Santana placed her hands on Quinn's shoulders and gently pushed her back so she could enter.

"Calm down Q, ok? And let me in, because I'm freezing my ass off out here."

Quinn stepped aside so her friend could enter. Then she positioned herself behind the door after closing it, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Santana tossed her jacket on a nearby chair and looked at her friend.

"Quinn," she started and Quinn's tears spill again at the look in the Latina's eyes. Santana came over and gently rubbed her hands over the blonde's upper arms.

"Shhhhh, come here, let's sit down," She guided the other woman to the sofa. Not quite sure how to begin, Santana decided to start with the facts.

"I found Rachel wandering around the other end of town. I don't think she knew where she was going, guess she was just aimlessly wandering around. And she was freezing like hell so I forced her to sit in my car."

"What'd she say?" Quinn's voice hardly raised above a whisper.

"Well, she didn't say much, but I gave her a piece of my mind." Santana raised a hand to still Quinn's comment at her last words. "Don't get mad. I was nice. I can be a bitch but I know when to tone it down, ok? Basically I just told her to be the Rachel Berry I know, the one that does not run and hide, but the one that takes on the world with all she's got, with the help of all her friends. You know me, Quinn. I don't let people I care about hide behind their excuses!"

She held up a hand again when she saw Quinn wanting to protest.

"I know that Rachel had a lot to go through, still, I think she needs to find a way to live in both worlds. Yes, I think she needs to experience having deaf friends and people who can absolutely relate to her situation. But I also told her that she shouldn't cut all ties to her hearing world, because inevitably she will always be confronted with it for the rest of her life, but we can all help her face it."

"And? What ... ?" Quinn lifted her hands in a quizzical manner.

"I think she got what I wanted to tell her." Santana paused a second before continuing. "She basically told me what she had already told Kurt. She said she needed some time to figure things out. I guess… he filled you in about their conversation as well."

Quinn closed her eyes and barely nodded at that, tears spilling over her cheeks. She remembered every word of that discussion.

"I don't understand what is going on, Santana! One minute we were fine and the next she is running away from me without even bothering to let me know... not answering my texts, not talking to me…what do I do now?"

Quinn looked at her friend, a desperate expression on her face. She had never felt so lost and so helpless. She always knew what to do, but right now, she was afraid that whatever action she took would only make everything worse.

"Quinn, you'll get through this, we'll manage, okay?"

The Latina was not sure how, but she would do everything to help both her friends to find their way through this.

"I can partly understand how Rachel feels and how hard this whole thing must be for her, but I also told her that shutting herself off from the world – and with that I also meant you - will not help her in any way."

Quinn looked up at her friend with teary eyes, a hopeful glimmer shining in them.

"I got her to at least re-think the whole situation." And hopefully Rachel would take the right decision, Santana thought without saying it out loud.

"What does that mean? Does she not want to talk to me at all?"

Santana was quiet for a moment. "Quinn, have you ever talked to Rachel about Lauren and Cara?" She then gently asked, ignoring her friend's question.

"No," Quinn breathed with a small shake of her head. "I wanted to, but there was no time. We were rushing back and forth the over the past days and somehow there never seemed to be the right moment." Then she remembered. "I noticed that she had been texting someone a lot and when I asked her about it, she said she was communicating with Lauren. But we didn't discuss it any further; it just wasn't the right ... we had just made love and I almost started a fight over this so..."

"Quinn, I understand that Rachel meeting new friends – deaf friends – might seem scary. But I think you two definitely need to talk about this. Having people in her life that can absolutely relate to what she is going through is important for her. And no matter how much we try to understand, there will always be a part of us that never will, just because we are not deaf. "

"I know, I know that! It's just, I …. I guess I was scared that she would turn away from me, seeing how people who share her experience could understand her so much better and then… then I acted so ignorant and carelessly in that fucking choir room…. I guess that just gave her proof that there would always be something that would separate us or stand between us."

Santana placed a hand on Quinn's knee. "Quinn, no one expects you to be perfect. And Rachel knows what you did for her over the past months, but you two need to talk about this."

Quinn stood up. "Yes. Yes, we do."

Santana got up as well and hugged her friend.

"Want me to drive you over?"

Quinn shook her head. "No, I'm... I'm good."

Santana threw a concerned look at her friend. "Call me if you need anything, ok?"

Quinn nodded. "Thanks."

They both walked out of the door and Quinn gave her friend a short wave before she climbed into the Mini.

Santana waved back and watched her friend disappear down the road before she started her own car. She knew how desperate Rachel and Quinn felt right now.

The hardest thing was to love someone as deeply as they loved each other and still think that the obstacles between them were too big to overcome. To carry that love around with you and being unable to live, it was something that Santana was very familiar with.

She was glad that Brittany had not shown up today. The pain had lessened over the years, but the feeling still lingered.

… … …

When Quinn arrived at the Berry residence, she felt her heart thump in her chest as if she had run all the way here.

Would Rachel talk to her? She still had not answered any of her texts.

While sitting in the car trying to collect her courage, Quinn remembered that they were due at her mom's house for dinner in three hours.

"Oh no," she groaned. She was in no mood to take care of that situation now. But she knew she would at least have to cancel it and let Judy know what was going on.

So she quickly typed a text message, knowing full well that as soon as she stepped over the threshold of the Berry house, she would not be able to focus on anything else but Rachel.

Mom, I'm truly sorry, but we have to cancel
dinner tonight. Rachel and I need to clarify some things.

I'll fill you in later, but please understand. Tell Fran that
I'm really sorry and that I will make up for it. Sorry for
the impersonal message, but I need to go now.
Quinn

She knew that it would be less than satisfactory for her mom, but that was all she could do in her current state. She would worry about her mother and the dinner at Shelby' house later.

First, she needed to fix her relationship.

Her phone buzzed with the answer from her mom.

Quinn, I'm really worried now. Are you two ok?
Please let me know what is happening as soon as possible.
Hope you two will be fine.
Love you.

Despite not being on best terms with her mother, the short concerned message felt like a small hug.

Tugging her phone away, Quinn stepped out of the car and made her way down the driveway, praying that Rachel would let her talk to her. She still struggled to understand how her whole world had turned upside down, leaving her so devastated, confused and insecure within only a few hours.

Taking a couple of deep breaths, she raised her hand and rang the bell.

Hiram opened the door with a worried look on his face.

"Quinn! Come in." He stepped back and the blonde slowly walked inside.

"I'm glad you are here. When Rachel came back, she looked absolutely distraught and went straight up to her room. She's been crying, but she wouldn't say why. What happened?"

"She didn't tell you anything?" Quinn asked surprised.

Hiram shook his head.

"No. What is going on?"

To her horror Quinn found that the tears started to fall again. She never cried in front of other people. At least, not the ones she did not know well. It just showed her how hurt and confused she really was by this whole situation.

She shrugged. "I wish I knew." Angrily, she wiped the tears away. "Is Rachel here?"

Hiram nodded, the frown on his face deepening. "She's upstairs in her room."

"Excuse me. I need… I have to talk to her."

"Sure, go ahead." Hiram shortly placed a hand on Quinn's small of her back when she turned towards the stairs.

It was only a small gesture, but it felt good. It didn't seem that Hiram was angry with her or blamed her for his daughter's distraught state. Not yet, at least.

Standing in front of Rachel's door, Quinn activated the light that would alert Rachel of her presence outside her room.

It took a moment before Quinn heard some movement on the other side of the door.

"Dad, I said I didn't want to…" Rachel stopped mid-sentence when she saw who was standing in front of her. "Quinn."

Can I come in?

Rachel did not react at first. It seemed as if she was debating whether to grant Quinn her wish or to send her away. To the blonde's relief, Rachel then made room for her to enter, hardly looking her in the eye.

Quinn stepped inside and looked at her girlfriend. Her brown eyes were red and puffy from crying.

Rachel could hardly stand the pain she saw in Quinn's eyes. It broke her heart to see Quinn suffer so much because of her. But she knew that it was inevitable. If Quinn ever wanted to be happy and free, she had to understand that she was better off without her. And Rachel needed the time away from everything that reminded her of her past, as hard as it seemed.

Rachel slowly closed the door. She noticed how Quinn eyed the half packed bags on her bed.

You're leaving?

"Yes."

When?

"Tomorrow."

And you would have left without talking to me if I had not come down here?

Quinn was hurt beyond belief and did not even fight the tears anymore. She was confused and could not help but wonder how something that was so wonderful in one moment could turn into something so hurtful in the next.

Rachel looked to the floor. "No. I …. I would have left you a note."

"A note?!" Quinn exclaimed, belatedly remembering to sign along.

"Quinn, don't you get it? Don't you see that this is not working? And the longer we drag this out the harder it gets!"

"Drag what out? You haven't even bothered to tell me what is going on! The last thing I know is that you stormed out of the choir room and now I see you here packing, just telling me you don't want to drag "things" out. What, Rachel? TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

Quinn screamed the last words with pain and rage, her hands moving in parallel with such force that she could almost hear them swish through the air.

How could Rachel treat her like an inconvenience? How dare she treat her with such disrespect?

Rachel was taken aback at the forcefulness that came across through Quinn's signs and body language. Somehow, some naïve part of her had thought Quinn would be relieved at her decision to end this relationship.

Right. That was just wishful thinking.

Quinn was right at one point. Rachel had not even bothered to tell her personally that she needed some time to herself. Somehow, in this whole mess, she had not talked to the most important person involved.

Maybe because deep in her heart she knew that Quinn would never give her up that easily and that she would fight to her last breath to convince her to do the opposite.

Rachel could not allow that because she knew that she would crumble at one point. She would throw her doubts and resolutions over board just to feel Quinn's arms around her again, to sink into the embrace that made her whole, mended her heart and gave her back her life. She needed to stay strong against her own feelings.

"Quinn, please understand… I … I just need … I need some time for myself."

Before Rachel could say anything further, she watched Quinn raise her hands.

Time for yourself or for your deaf friends? Quinn asked and waved at the phone that was laying on the night stand.

What, now that you have found some deaf friends then we are not good enough anymore? I am not good enough anymore?

Rachel recoiled at the words. "That was low, Quinn."

Quinn knew that it was mean to say that, but she couldn't help herself. All the reasonable and unreasonable fears came rushing back.

Rachel took a deep breath. "You just don't understand."

Quinn was beyond hurt and even though she instantly hated herself for saying all these upsetting words, she could not stop herself.

What? Do I have to become deaf as well in order to understand you?

Rachel threw her hands in the air. "No! And that is exactly the point! I don't want you to miss out on anything because of me! But it is a relief to talk to someone who is in the exact same situation like me; who understands me completely and who doesn't have to bend over to talk to me! We speak the same language and I don't simply mean ASL, but the whole background that comes with it. For once, I don't have to feel like a burden because it takes the other person so much effort to communicate with me."

What does that mean for us now? Don't you want any hearing people in your life anymore or what? Don't you want me in your life anymore? Because I can hear?

"No! That's not what I'm saying!"

Then what are you saying, Rachel? Tell me, because I'm at a loss here. I just feel so… used. I was good enough to help you over the first months; my love was good enough to give you back some self-worth and now you think that I'm some kind of toy you can toss aside? Because you found someone who better suits your needs?

Rachel opened her mouth, but no words came out. This was the last of what she wanted Quinn to feel. How could she make her understand what this was really about? She tried to swallow her own anger that rose at the hurtful words Quinn threw at her. She knew that if they kept on screaming at each other, they would never make each other understood.

Rachel let out a long breath and sat on the bed, pushing her bags to the side.

"Quinn, this isn't about how I now feel oh so happy to be integrated into the deaf community, thank you very much! I just met two other people who are deaf, nothing more. But this has become a part of me. This –" and she waved her hand towards her ear "- will not change. It is and will always be exhausting and tiring to be around people who can hear. It's just in the nature of things. I know that none of you will deliberately try to shut me out or would want me to miss out on things. But to try to stay in the loop of what is going on around me will always mean work. I can never relax. I have to always try to figure things out. The few moments I had with Lauren and Cara were the first time in nine months that I didn't have to wonder and worry I might miss something. Can't you understand that?"

Rachel's brown eyes searched Quinn's in the hope of glimpsing some understanding in them. But the blonde had shut herself off. For the first time in all the past months, she was not able to read Quinn.

It scared and hurt Rachel more than she thought was possible.

"Quinn, it's just the same for you. You always have to keep guessing how I feel in every situation. You can never relax because you are always afraid that you are cutting me off. It must be as tiring for you as it is for me. And I don't want that for you. I want you to be happy, to enjoy your life, your friends, and your work! I don't want you to waste all your time worrying about me, Quinn! I love you too much to limit you the way I have done these past months."

Quinn was at a loss for words. She gasped for air and tried to find the right words. She just could not believe that after all this time and all the things they had been through Rachel would still think that.

Rachel, YOU have not restricted me. YOU have not been an obstacle in my life. I have a free will and it was MY will to decide to find you and to stay with you. It was MY free will to learn sign language and to confess my love to you. We both knew that we would encounter some problems along the way, but as long as we addressed them and talked about them, we would get through this. So what happened now that you would make a decision for both of us all of a sudden without ever talking to me?

Quinn took a deep breath and warded off any comments that Rachel wanted to make.

I'm not finished! I can understand your feeling of belonging when you met your new friends. But I also felt jealous, because they are able to enter your world in a way that I never can. And yes, that makes me afraid. I am afraid to lose you, because I can hear.

Tears spilled again across her cheeks as Quinn tried to stifle her sobs.

The look on Rachel's face cut through every fiber of her being. It told her that she was right. So she desperately prodded on, her hands almost moving on their own in her desperate fight for their relationship, for Rachel's understanding, for her love.

Rachel, there will always be situations where we both feel we are missing out on something. That is normal in every relationship. Being together and living together always means that you have to compromise in some ways. We will work it out. It will not help if we both hide and pretend nothing is wrong. You asked me once to be open and honest and to talk about my feelings. Please grant me the same thing before you run off thinking of breaking up.

Rachel did not know what to say. She wanted to give in and fall into Quinn's arms so much. Her heart told her that Quinn was right. But her stupid, traitorous mind could not let it go. It had to hold on to her reason and to her argument.

Rachel took a deep breath.

"You know, I'm ok with the communication thing, the interpreting, the texting, the paper and the pencil even. Sometimes, I even almost forget that I can't hear when I'm with you, because we don't hold back, no matter how tedious the whole signing thing was in the beginning; it still is, sometimes. It gives me such a sense of normality that I can focus on the content of our conversations and not on how it's being delivered."

It was true.

There had been short moments during the past weeks when signing and talking had become so natural that sometimes, just for a few seconds she did forget that she could not actually hear the words that where delivered through her girlfriend's hands. Quinn made it all seem so natural and never held back, not with jokes, love confessions or comments that it did give Rachel a sense of normalcy she had always craved for since waking up in the hospital.

"However, that only happens when we are alone. As soon as others are around, I see how you change. You are never as relaxed as when we are alone. You get all tense and then I see it in your face when you start calculating how to do or say things in order to let me understand as well."

Even though that was a part that she – or they - might somehow arrange themselves with, it did not make up for the rest.

She paused for a moment, before she went on.

"When it comes to music, I will never get used to that. I don't only miss singing like hell; it's also just listening to music. To distract myself with, to lose myself in, to cheer myself up, to get into a certain mood… and as much as I try, being with you, with your profession, just opens that wound over and over again."

Seeing Quinn flinch at those words as if she had slapped her made Rachel rush to explain further.

"Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you or hate what you're doing. I'm truly happy and proud of you for all that you have achieved! But not being able to share it with you, always knowing I will be watching from the sidelines is just too painful!"

Rachel paused for a second to collect her thoughts. She was glad that Quinn did not say anything at that moment.

"You know, I tried to adapt, to learn new things. I learned to function without my hearing and to a certain degree that works, especially with people who know ASL. I relearned to do a lot of things, and I'm proud and grateful for you and my other friends who have helped me along. But at a certain point I realized... this is it. It does not get any better. This is… how it will always be. All the new techniques I have learned make up for some of the loss, but not for everything."

Now Rachel was crying too, because the next words were just the hardest she ever had to say to someone. She knew it would break Quinn's heart, as much as it broke her own. But there was just no way around it.

"There is ASL as a substitute for communicating, but there is no substitute for music. I thought I could manage, but I think I need to take myself out of the range of anything that has to do with music for a while. I…. I don't know if you can understand that it's breaking me apart to say this because you and music are one and I love you so much, but I … can't… I can't be with you. When I see you, I want to hear your silky voice, your laughter; I want to hear you sing. I want to sing with you... You are music for me."

Quinn could not hold back her sobs at hearing Rachel's words. Part of her could understand how she felt, but her heart could not grasp what she was hearing.

Rachel, I told you once to not define yourself by your deafness. So please don't define me just by my profession!

It was difficult for Rachel to see the signs through her tears.

"But Quinn, how do you think this relationship would work if I only let you live half your life in front of me? I can't try to constantly ignore the other part, knowing in the back of my mind that it is there and that it is so important to you. I can't hold you back; I wouldn't want that for you! I love you too much to let you live half a life with me! I want you to be able to sing in shower, to talk about your work, to have your girlfriend with you during concerts and shows and actually have her appreciate your voice and your work! I will never be able to do that! Never completely."

They both looked at each other for a long moment through their tears until Quinn finally managed to form an answer.

If this means that I'll lose you, I'd rather give up everything I have achieved. I mean it Rachel. You are more important to me than anything in this world.

Rachel smiled sadly.

"Quinn, you know in your heart that you can't and shouldn't do that. You have fought so hard to find your calling, your passion. Who am I to take that away from you?"

"I… I…" the blonde was at a loss for words.

So this was it? This was fucking IT?

After nine years, after all the tragedy, the emotional ups and downs, their growing acceptance and adaption to Rachel's disability, they would break up? Just like that, after being together for hardly four months?

Jesus, just four months. It felt like four years.

As much as Quinn felt her heart being ripped apart, she could understand Rachel's point. And she knew that Rachel was right about one thing. Quinn would not be able to ignore that part of herself that had kept her going all through high school and the years after. Music was as much part of her life as it was in Rachel's. And as much as music was not part of Rachel's life anymore.

What would that mean now? They had to break up just because of her profession? Did that mean if she had a god damn different job, everything would be ok?

How could she ever get back on stage, knowing what made her happy was also the cause of the biggest tragedy in her life just now?

Lost in her thoughts, she had not noticed how Rachel had gotten up from her bed. Not looking at the blonde, she barely managed to whisper:

"I think it is better if we don't see each other for a while."

Hearing those words let Quinn's heart feel so hollow, as if the fire that had kept her going were doused with those words. Instinctively, she felt that nothing would make Rachel change her mind.

She stood up automatically, gathered her purse and brushed by the petite brunette. Almost at the door, she turned around, flung herself at Rachel and both women cried and hugged each other in a long moment of good-bye.

Then Quinn pulled back abruptly and ran out of the room, down the stairs, barely glancing at Hiram and Leroy. She heard herself groan in pain as the tears kept streaming over her face while she blindly reached for the knob of the front door and yanked it open.

Halfway down the driveway, she felt someone grab her arm. Quinn tried do shake it off, but the grip was firm. Turning around, she saw Hiram looking at her with such an understanding, loving but also heartbroken way that no words were necessary.

He wrapped her in a tight embrace and all Quinn could do was cry into his shoulder, desperately clinging to his sweater as she tried to keep her whole body from falling in a heap to the ground.

Leroy found his daughter standing in her room, one hand pressed against her stomach and one against her lips, trying to swallow the sobs that kept coming. He slowly walked in until she saw him. Then he cupped her face and gently pulled her into an embrace.

Both men and women stood like that for a long time, all feeling the loss and the pain that could not be described by words.

I won't be able to update during the week as I will be on a business trip again. I'll try to update next weekend, if I get back early. Just that you know that I don't want to keep you waiting on purpose.

Anyhow, I hope you'll stick with my two ladies, not matter how bad things look right now.

Mmmm... don't give up hope, ok?