Wow, I had not expected such a flood of reviews. Thank all of you for that. I know the last chapter was not easy to read.

I'm sorry if I made you sad or if how it the story is going upsets you in any way.

I don't own Glee or its original characters.

Chapter 49

After Quinn left, Hiram and Leroy carefully coaxed out of their daughter what had caused the meltdown they had witnessed. Seeing their daughter so down and depressed after what had seemed such a happy time for her, was hard to bear. They felt so helpless at being unable to ease the pain in their daughter's heart. Even though it was not their fault, Hiram and Leroy felt like they had failed her again.

They could understand Rachel's explanations to a certain degree, but they also knew that hiding away from everything would not make Rachel's life easier. But there was nothing they could do or say to convince her of the opposite. So all they could to was to hold her and offer her their support.

When Leroy saw the bags lying on her bed, he was as surprised as Quinn had been. Rachel told him that she wanted take the train to New York the next morning. Leroy suggested to his daughter that he and Hiram could drive back with her to New York for a few days.

Rachel appreciated the idea and her dads' willingness to help her through this, but declined. Also their suggestion for her to stay a bit longer in Lima did not fall on fruitful grounds.

It just did not make sense to stay. In New York she could at least go out of everybody's way. She could try to … to do what?

Rachel realized she had no idea what she was going to do. Even though New York was her home, she had nothing to go back to. No job, no occupation whatsoever. Actually, it just did not matter where she went. There was nothing that held her anywhere.

Nothing and no one.

She had dared to fly, to take chances, fully knowing that if she fell, she would fall hard. Though, at that time she had not thought the fall would come so quickly. And that it would hurt so much. Worst of all was that she herself was responsible for causing her own pain, and for Quinn. She had pushed Quinn away. It had been her own choice, for whatever right or wrong reasons. Her stupid heart needed to understand that. It needed to understand in order to stop hurting so fucking much!

This was best for all.

She pushed the bags aside and slumped on her bed when her phone buzzed. She looked at the display and when she saw the name, she wished she had turned it off completely.

The message was from Quinn.

... ... ...

After leaving Rachel's house, Quinn had taken the car to her parent's house. When she got out, she knew she could not face anyone. So she started walking.

She had no idea how long she had been wandering around, when the thought struck her that she and Rachel would not be going back to New York together, not the way things were right now. And she had no intention to drive all the way back home alone. Neither would Rachel want to go by car all by herself, she assumed.

While Quinn was pulling out her phone, she wondered where this rational thinking had come from. There she was, heartbroken beyond means and all she could think of was the stupid car?

Then she remembered that this also happened when her parents had kicked her out of the house and after she had had the accident. When the first shock had ebbed away and had made room for the dull and aching pain in her chest, she started organizing. Somehow this seemed to give her back some sort of control, even though rationally there was nothing to do to mend the immediate situation.

The same process seemed to happen now. As she realized that there was nothing she could currently do to make Rachel change her mind, she started planning, beginning with the most obvious thing. How to get back.

Finally she pulled out her phone and fiddled with it in her hand. She had no idea what to write, much less how to address Rachel.

After what seemed like endless moments and a hundred drafted texts that were all erased again, she settled for the pure facts. Anything else just brought the tears back into her eyes and made it hard to see.

After reading the message again, Quinn thought long and hard if she should really sent it. It sounded so... cold. As if Rachel and she were nothing but some distant acquaintances. It sounded so wrong in her mind, but before she could decide otherwise, she pressed 'send'.

Then, with an afterthought she quickly typed another sentence and sent it off.

... ... ...

Rachel, I'll be taking the train back to NYC.
I'm going to return the Mini to the
car rental station here in Lima.
I assume you don't want to drive the car
back by yourself.

Rachel stared at the message long and hard. It sounded so … distant. No hello, no hi, no signature, no I love you or I miss you. Not that she would have expected it, but it all felt so wrong.

And the pain in her chest intensified.

Not having the strength to text back much without breaking down and begging for forgiveness, she just sent two words.

Ok. Thanks.

Before she could turn the phone off, another message arrived.

Please take care of yourself.

This made Rachel tear up again. It was a simple sentence, still she knew that there was so much more meaning behind it.

She did not know what to answer. Rachel just did not want to write back a phrase that sounded empty, even though she might mean it differently. The right words just would not come to her.

Just when she wanted to turn her phone off, it buzzed again.

This time it was from Puck.

Hey princess! Just wanted to remind you
of your promise… when can we talk?
Puck

Rachel sighed. That was the last thing she wanted to do, talk to Puck. Not because it was Puck, she knew she definitely owned him an explanation, but she just did not feel like talking to anyone at all.

Puck, now is not a good time.
I need some time alone. Let's catch up in
New York, ok?
Rachel

She knew her friend he would not be satisfied with this answer and just as she had guessed, another message came right back.

I heard from Kurt that…you're not ok.
I'm sorry about the afternoon and that we were all so
inconsiderate. Guess we all have to get used to this and
learn a great deal. I'm due back in NY tomorrow
evening. Just in case… I can give you a lift, I came by car.
Had some business to take care of on the way here.
Let me know if you wanna come, ok?

Rachel toyed with her phone in her hand. The offer was tempting. And if Quinn was taking the train, the option was out of the question for Rachel. Besides, having a breakdown in the closed confines of a car was better than in a fully packed train with people staring at her as if she were crazy.

She typed her answer.

I think I'd like to take you up on the offer.
Though communicating with me while either one
of us is driving is not that easy…

She was not sure if Puck had considered that. Rachel still had her phone with the voice recognition software, but that did not allow for a fully "normal" conversation. And Puck had not had any contact with her at all before, so she was unsure of how well he would adapt to her needs of communication.

I know. I just figured you could use some moral
support. … And since you were always the one who
liked to talk more, I think we'll be fine :-)

Despite her depressive mood Rachel had to smile at the small verbal punch.

If any other person would have said that, she would have taken it very personally and would not even have bothered to answer, even though the statement was kind of true. At least… before she became deaf. But she knew what Puck was trying to do, so she wasn't really angry with him.

Gee, thanks Puck. Aren't you the one to cheer me up.

His answer came back promptly.

I'll do my very best!
Don't worry, we'll figure something out.
Pick you up at nine tomorrow morning, ok?

That was fine by her. The sooner the better.

Ok. And … thanks.
Rachel

She placed her phone on the nightstand and wondered what Kurt had told everybody. Maybe he only told Santana and Puck about their conversation, because they were close friends, but she was still wondering who knew what.

What would Puck think now that she chose to come with him by herself, even though he had just learned that she and Quinn were – had been, she corrected herself – a couple? That thought alone brought the tears back into her eyes. Well, Puck had probably figured out what happened.

Through the haze she saw the light flicker above her door. Probably one of her dads asking her if she wanted something for dinner. Rachel did not think she could ever eat anything again. Her stomach felt like a tight ball.

"Dad, I'm not hungry." She moved to open the door. "Really, I don't…" Then she saw who stood outside the door.

"Kurt. What are you doing here?"

Wanted to see how you were. And ask what exactly is going on between you and Quinn.

Rachel just shrugged. "Kurt, I'm really not in the mood for much talk right now. I appreciate you coming here to check on me, but … I need some time alone."

She walked back to her bed and sat down cross-legged fiddling with the zipper of one of her bags.

Kurt waved to get Rachel's attention. Finally she looked at him with weary eyes.

Rachel, I can only guess how you must feel and I understand that you need some time to sort it all out. But I want to ask you something.

Rachel just raised her eyebrow questioningly.

Kurt sat down on Rachel's bed opposite from her, a hand on his friend's knee. Before he asked her what was on his mind, he shortly soaked in his surroundings, remembering how he, Rachel and Mercedes had held their "girls" night in this room, watched movies, talked about fashion and their future.

Sometimes he really missed the good old times. Life seemed so easy and most problems so small in retrospect.

Rachel tapped him on his hand. Kurt focused back on her, lifting his hands.

Are you sure you of your decision? You really want to break up with Quinn? You haven't said it in so many words, but that is kind of the vibe I'm getting.

Hearing someone phrase it so directly, hit Rachel unexpectedly hard. She fished a crumpled tissue out of her pocket and blew her nose.

"I… I don't want to break up. I love Quinn so much, but I know that it is the right thing to do. She needs to be free. I don't want to hold her back, but this is what happened in the past and what will always happen just as well in the future."

How do you hold her back? All I see is a Quinn that was happier than she has ever been!

Rachel ignored his comment "At the restaurant I freaked out, at the concert I couldn't go celebrate with her, here in Lima I couldn't enjoy our reunion with her … I will never be able to get to know her new projects and... and... And Quinn will always feel torn between wanting to help me and wanting to enjoy herself."

Who says she can't do both? I'm sure it will get easier for her in time as well.

"Kurt, this is Quinn! She will never let lose if there is only one slight doubt that I might feel uncomfortable. And it doesn't matter how long or how often we will be in this together. She will always have that strive for perfection always wanting to do the right thing and one day it will completely wear her out!"

Kurt was silent for a moment. That was more or less what Quinn had told him herself. Not that it would wear her out, but that she sometimes had a hard time to really relax if she was in a larger group with Rachel, out of fear Rachel would miss out too much.

Also remembering Rachel's earlier words, he was sure that Rachel's reaction was not only triggered by Quinn's behavior.

Rachel, I know that this isn't only about Quinn.

The brunette was silent. After a moment Kurt continued.

This sounds like you are only doing this for Quinn. You told me before that there was also another reason behind it. So, how much are you doing it for yourself? Be honest with yourself. I know you are still having a hard time adjusting to it all, despite all of what you have already achieved. I have the feeling you are trying to protect yourself as much as Quinn with this break up. Though I'm not sure you're doing either of you any good with it. You can't hide from the hearing world completely, Rachel.

Rachel opened her mouth and then closed it again.

Having met Lauren and Cara showed Rachel that it could feel so good to live in her own world for a while, not having to adjust.

"I wish I could." She whispered. "I'm just so confused, and I feel so lost at the moment. I don't know where I stand anymore, where I belong." She raised her head and looked at Kurt with big, brown eyes. Kurt felt his heart go out to his friend seeing her so forlorn, not being able to do anything to ease her pain.

"Kurt, can we like not talk about his right now? I honestly don't know what to say. I… I have to find out what I really need."

Kurt looked at Rachel for a long moment.

Fine. He wanted to say more, but let his hands rest on his thighs.

Rachel untangled her legs and kneeled on the bed to rummage around her travel bag. She pulled out a small present and fiddled with the wrapping.

Recognizing the format, Kurt asked: You haven't given it to her?

Rachel shook her head. "No. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It feels… I don't know. Like a vain try to say hey, look, I can still sing. And then what? What would she do with this?"

Don't you ever talk about yourself like that! Can't you imagine that Quinn would be so happy to hear you sing again just this once! This would be one of the most precious gifts she ever received, I'm sure. I know it was one for me hearing you sing Defying Gravity and this song.

Rachel shrugged.

"Well, I don't think she would appreciate it very much now. Do with it what you want, it's of no use to me, obviously. And there is no sense in giving it to her ... after all this." She rubbed her forehead. "You know, I'm really tired. Maybe you better go."

Kurt studied his friend for a moment.

Don't start shutting people out of your life again, Rachel. Don't keep your friends away.

"I just need some time to think, Kurt. I promise I won't shut you out as I did before, ok? Give me some time to sort myself out. That's all I'm asking."

Fine. But I'll check on you. And no contradiction! I care about you.

Rachel smiled a tired smile. "I know. And fine, check on me, if you must."

Kurt got up and the friends hugged for a moment. Rachel had to fight hard to hold back the tears. It would have been so easy to give in and cry at her friend's shoulder. But she told herself she had to be strong; otherwise she would never get through this.

Through her window she watched Kurt make his way down the driveway.

Feeling her gaze on his back, he turned and raised his hand in a short wave. Then he continued down the sidewalk, fiddling the small package in his coat pocket.

… ... ...

Quinn closed the front door, tiredly leaned against it and closed her eyes. She had been walking for hours in order to try to get rid of the sick feeling in her stomach.

I had not helped.

The cold had done nothing than to increase the numb feeling that had started to envelope her. She replayed the discussion with Rachel in her mind over and over again. Quinn kept wondering if there was anything that she should have said or done differently, if she could have made a difference somehow.

She heard steps approaching and recognized her sister's gait.

"Santa dropped something for you," Fran told her. Quinn slowly opened her eyes

"Santana?"

"No. Santa. You know, the guy with the red and white suite. White beard? Ring a bell? Anyway, there is a little package for you."

Quinn walked to the coffee table looking at the small gift.

"Did ... Rachel bring this here?"

"No. I think it was one of your old class mates. Slender, brown hair, funny way of dressing. Or should I say stylish? He came and asked me to give this to you."

"Kurt, was it Kurt?"

"Yes," Fran nodded slowly, "yes, that was his name. There is also a little note." Fran looked at her sister with a concerned expression. She had called Quinn after she their mom had passed along Quinn's cryptic message about the canceled dinner date. From what she could piece together of what her sister tried to tell her in between sobs, the seemingly happy relationship between Rachel and Quinn had taken a sudden turn for the worse.

Quinn unfolded the paper with shaking hands. Somehow she hoped that it was from Rachel.

Hi Quinn,

Rachel made this CD for you as a Christmas present some days ago. I don't know why she didn't give it to you, but I feel that you need to hear this, especially now.

I wish I could help somehow …

Yyou should know that she really loves you. Guess the song says it all.

(Let's just hope she won't kill me for having given it to you).

Kurt

Quinn's hands were shaking even more when she opened the case and found the shiny disc inside. Rachel's flourishing handwriting was covering the front.

I've loved you before – Melissa Etheridge

For Quinn!

Love,
always, forever and before

Rachel

Quinn's eyes flooded over while she stared at the writing.

Oh god, oh god.

Had Rachel really recorded a song for her? After she had become deaf?

She hardly noticed how Fran gently took the CD out of her hands and walked over to the stereo.

"Want me to put it on?" She asked quietly.

Quinn only nodded and gripped her own hands tight. She did not know what to expect.

Fran left the room to give her sister some space, leaving her with her eyes closed on the couch.

Quinn heard Rachel take deep breath and then the first notes floated towards her. Timid, small and shy at first, but they became stronger with every moment.

When I think of how you know me
no doubts no thinking twice,
when you're smile can be so soothing
a familiar paradise.

When there's no one else
that makes me whole,
I am never needing more.

I get this feeling
that I have loved you before.

Rachel's voice was soft and full of emotions, and even though it lacked the usual strong notes that were Rachel's trade mark, it worked wonderfully for that song. The melody was relatively low scale with not many high pitches.

The music that accompanied her had apparently been rearranged slightly to suit Rachel's range. Quinn knew the song and loved it from the very first time she had heard it. Now, listening to Rachel's voice bringing these wonderful lyrics to live that so accurately also described her own feelings for the other woman, was almost more that the blonde could bear.

Quinn could not control the reactions of her body, one shower after the other raced down her spine, tears welled up in her eyes and she did not even try to hold them back. She had to hug her waist to try to reign in the pain.

Besides the hurt there was still so much love that flooded through her for that woman with the most beautiful voice.

Quinn had never hoped to hear Rachel sing again. She had not yet dared to listen to some of the old recordings that she had harbored all those years from when they were performing with the Glee club. Neither had she listened to any of Rachel's Broadway performances that were available since she had learned of Rachel's accident.

Quinn knew all of her songs by heart, she didn't know how many times she had listened to them during their time of separation when they were still at college. Quinn knew every single breath, every little note and how Rachel sang of all these songs. The more she had listened to them, the more she had fallen in love with that voice and the woman who it belonged to.

Since she had gotten Rachel back into her life for real, knowing that the former Broadway star could not or would not sing anymore, she had not listened to any of those recordings anymore, silently, just as Rachel had to, saying good-bye to that grand voice.

Hearing her sing now, for her to privately enjoy, knowing what an incredible precious gift this was and what it must have cost Rachel to do this, Quinn could only begin to grasp. That voice filled every crevice in her body, every fiber was flushed with its velvety sound.

She wondered briefly how Rachel had found the courage to try to sing again and was immensely grateful for Kurt to apparently having helped her with this.

Words failed Quinn at that moment and she just looked in awe at Fran, who had been lured back by the beautiful song floating through the air. She wore an equally amazed expression on her face as her sister.

Quinn was surprised again at what control and incredible talent Rachel must truly possess if she could still carry her voice in such a beautiful way. With the almost perfect pitch.

She could not begin to voice how amazed, touched and moved she was.

"Is that really Rachel singing?" Fran pointed at the loud speakers.

She had only heard Rachel once and since she had learned that the talented singer had become deaf, she had not thought of hearing her ever sing again. She was truly and deeply surprised at the grand gesture of the petite woman to do something so difficult.

Quinn only managed to nod, sitting on the edge of the cough, swaying slightly back and forth in order to keep her sobs somehow in check. Her sister sat next to her and put an arm around her shoulder, understanding fully well what hearing this song did to her.

Were we lovers in an army
marching all for Rome?
Side by side in battle
did we bravely leave our home.
Did I hold you in my arms
as you were taking your last breath?
Did I shout to all the gods
that I would love you beyond death
and more?

I swear I've loved you before.

Did we hide in the dark ages
from a vengeful god above?
Our names too unfamiliar
to ever speak of love.
Did I cling to every moment with you
every parting glance?
An accidental touch,
did we ever take the chance
for more?

I know I've loved you before.

Have I wandered through the desert,
have I looked to the north star,
Have I rode the rails on nights and days
to get back where you are.
And every time I found you
it's your eyes I know for sure.

When I think of how you know me
no doubts no thinking twice,
when you're smile can be so soothing
a familiar paradise.

When there's no one else that makes me whole
I am never wanting more.

I get this feeling

I know I've loved you before.

I know I've loved you before.

I've loved you before.

It was a beautiful love confession.

One that she wasn't supposed to receive.

... ... ...

Quinn's mom entered the living room. Seeing her daughter crying, she asked concerned: "What happened?"

Quinn stiffened and hastily wiped her tears away. "Nothing."

Judy did not let herself be brushed off. "Was that Rachel singing?"

Fran nodded. "Yes, mom."

"Quinn, why do you look so unhappy?" She walked towards the couch where her two daughters sat.

"Because Rachel broke up with me. There! Are you happy now?" Quinn shouted so loudly that Judy took an involuntary step back.

Quinn almost expected a look of relief and a comment like: "I knew that this was just a phase," but her mother just stood there silently watching her.

Then, to Quinn's surprise she knelt down.

"Quinn, why should I be happy if I see you are hurting?"

"Why? YOU of all people are asking me that? Again, I spoil the perfect Fabray family picture by falling in love with a woman! And after being thrown out of the house when I was pregnant, you are really asking me that?"

"Quinn, I was weak and I was so wrong at that time. But I was also hurting for you, for my grandchild and for myself for never having found the courage to stand up to your father. This is something I will never forgive myself for!"

Judy placed a hand on her younger daughter's knee. "Quinn, what happened? Why did you break up?"

Quinn started crying harder and couldn't answer.

Fran gently explained the reason to her mom. "Rachel was in an accident some months ago in which she lost her hearing. That seems to be the main reason for her breaking up with Quinn. Though, I should add that they got together only after Rachel's accident."

"What?" Judy looked from Fran to Quinn.

Quinn couldn't take it anymore and jumped up. "Yeah, guess what, I didn't just date another woman, no, but one that was deaf as well. How's that for the family image, mom?" Quinn's ice cold voice almost sliced the air in the room. With one last look at her mother she turned and dashed out of the room, leaving a dazed Judy and a sorrowful Fran behind.

Storming up the stairs, Quinn felt bad for having shouted at her mother like that. After all, the woman had shown some concern and interest. But Quinn was hurting so much that she couldn't think straight anymore. She just wanted this hole gone that had ripped open inside of her. She wanted the whole pain to go away.

Downstairs, Fran tried to explain the whole situation to their mother.

"Mom, apparently Rachel recorded this song for Quinn as a Christmas present. After she became deaf." Fran stated softly.

"What?" Judy sank down on the sofa. "My god, how could I miss all this?" She looked at her daughter, who shrugged.

"Well, mom, to be honest, after what happened during Quinn's pregnancy, I can't blame her that she doesn't trust you anymore. I thought it was already courageous telling you that she was in love with Rachel. I guess she thought you had enough to digest these news before she would break the rest."

"God, that poor child! And they became a couple after Rachel's accident?"

"Yes. Quinn started to learn sign language just for Rachel." Fran sighed. "Mom, why don't you let Quinn tell you herself?"

Judy looked up at the ceiling as if being able to see her daughter through the structure.

"Yes, you're right." She got up and purposefully walked out of the room and up the stairs.

Quinn heard someone approaching and her heart sank when she noticed the steps did not belong to her sister. She just couldn't deal with her mom, giving explanations, justifying herself and fighting for the right to love whomever she wanted. To be whoever she wanted.

She lay on her bed on her stomach, her face hidden in her arms, pretending not to hear anything.

Quinn felt someone sit on the edge of a bed and then a hesitating hand was placed on her back.

"Quinn, I'm really sorry about this. Fran told me about … Rachel having lost her hearing … and about the song…" she paused a moment, not sure how to continue.

"It wasn't easy for me to accept that you are gay, Quinn. It would be a lie to admit that. It's just something that never crossed my mind. But I have learned one thing. I can't tell my children how to live their lives. What I can do, though, is trying to love them, no matter which mistakes they make and help them with everything I can."

"What, now you think again that me loving Rachel was a mistake?"

"No Quinn, that's not what I meant! I meant that I shouldn't expect my kids to live the live I imagine for them in my head. All these false and bigot pictures of the perfect family, god," she let out a short humorless laughter, "were things I never wanted to have when I was young. Still, I let myself be forced into this exact frame."

She took a breath before she delivered the following words.

"I am just damn proud of you that despite of all the disrespect, the lack of love and support from us you still found your way. That you found your true love."

Unconsciously she had started to rub small, soothing circles on Quinn's back. The blonde remembered that this was something her mother had always done to console her when she was little. It felt oddly familiar and woke a longing in her just to be held and to be told that everything would be fine.

"Come here," she heard her mother say. Looking up through teary eyes, she saw her hold up her two arms in an offer for a hug as if she had read her thoughts.

Quinn hesitated a moment and then threw her principles and pride overboard. She just wanted to be held.

Judy enveloped her younger daughter in her embrace and silently cried with her. Quinn sobbed against her shoulders, wetting her dress and the older woman just didn't give a damn about it. It felt so good to hold her daughter in her arms again, trying to give her some comfort and consolation.

"Don't you think there is a way you can find back together? Why did she break up with you?" Judy asked when she felt Quinn calm down a little.

The younger woman leaned back and wiped at her tears. With a choked voice she tried to answer her mother.

"I... I'm a singer, Rachel was a singer as well. Now she has to watch me live the life she had wished and worked for so hard, while at the same time being confronted with the fact that she can never have that for herself again. And she thinks she is holding me back..."

Judy was silent for a moment.

"Quinn, as hard and as difficult as this is right now for you and for Rachel, if you are meant to be together, you will get through this. Just don't give up! Don't give up hope, don't give up the fight and most importantly don't ever give up on your love! Maybe Rachel needs some time to get her bearings, but make sure that she knows that you still love her. Grant her that time if you must and maybe this will help you also to find a way to deal with all this. I can imagine that this must not have been easy for you learning about her disability, trying to cope with it and supporting her in parallel."

Quinn began to wonder when her mother had become so insightful. Slowly she felt her resolve melt away and began to tell Judy from when she had fallen in love with Rachel until the fateful Glee club meeting in the afternoon that had triggered the whole drama.

Judy patiently listened and the pride, love and respect for her daughter grew with every minute she learned how committed Quinn was to this relationship, despite Rachel being deaf. She could guess that it must not have been easy to find a way through all this, but if their love was able to conquer such a huge obstacle, she was convinced they would get through this setback as well.

After Quinn had poured out her heart to her mother, they sat for a while in silence. At one point Fran knocked on the door and brought her Rachel's CD.

Judy got up and Fran and her left Quinn for a while to prepare something for dinner.

Against her better judgment, Quinn listened to the song over and over again, until she could not stand it anymore.

… … …

Hiram opened the door when she knocked. His eyes widened when he saw the tear streaked face of Quinn.

"Quinn, what happened?" He asked.

Rachel appeared behind her dad. Seeing Rachel, Quinn stepped around the brunette's dad and positioned herself before her …what? Ex-girlfriend?

Before she could open her mouth to say anything, Rachel asked her signing:

Quinn, why are you here?

Her signs were accompanied with a weary look from those usual warm brown eyes. Quinn knew that behind the cold facade Rachel was hurting as much as she did.

Despite all the good reasons Rachel had for wanting to get away, Quinn did not think that she would be hurting less once Quinn was out of her life.

Rachel's cold stare still hurt and despite all her desperation the blonde felt her anger rise. She breathed twice deeply in order to try to reign in her feelings, but failed miserably as the words came rushing out, while her hands angrily formed the accompanying signs.

"How do you fucking dare to sing a love song to me and then break up with me? How dare you?"

Rachel was taken aback when she understood what Quinn had just told her.

"You weren't ever supposed to hear that!"

"Well too bad, because I just did."

"And how did you get the CD? Did Kurt give it to you?"

"Yes, he dropped it at my house with a note."

Rachel almost shouted. "I can't believe he did that! What kind of friend is he?"

"Stop focusing on Kurt. This is about us!" Quinn vehemently stated.

Rachel shook her head. "No, Quinn. There is no us anymore!"

"Rachel, look at me. Look at me and tell me that you don't love me, that nothing you sang in that song is true."

Quinn heard the desperation creep back into her voice. For once she was glad Rachel couldn't hear it. She didn't want to break down. She didn't want to beg. But she knew she would. She knew she would fall on her knees if she must and ask Rachel to give them another chance. To her own anger Quinn felt tears slipping down her cheeks. She angrily wiped them away before she continued to sign in parallel to her words.

"You recorded a love song for me. A fucking song, even though you are deaf! That is one of the greatest proves of love I could ever receive. That anyone could ever receive considering the circumstances! And now you are telling me that there is no "us" anymore? You have to do better than that!"

Finally Rachel's steely composure crumbled and the brown eyes shimmered with tears threatening to fall. The next words only came out in a whisper.

"I sang with Kurt. I sang a duet with him from Wicked the other night I visited him. It.. it just happened. That's when I got the idea of recording a song for you while… while I still could. While I was still able to control my voice."

Quinn closed her eyes, trying to control her emotions that crashed through her like giant waves.

"And why didn't you tell me about it? Why did you hide the CD? Was there something I have done that made you doubt me? I... I just want to understand!"

"I don't know. Well, I did tell you that night, but you were already half asleep and the next day you couldn't remember and... and... I just didn't have the courage to tell you again! Maybe I was just afraid that ... I don't know! It scared the hell out of me when I noticed I actually sang along to the song that was playing at Kurt's place. And it scared me like hell to notice how much I loved performing that song with him! And how much I missed it!"

Now Rachel was crying and Quinn didn't want anything else than to reach out and wrap her in her arms.

Instinctively Rachel took a step back, bringing more distance between them.

Quinn lifted her hands again to accompany her words. "Rachel, what do you expect me to do now? I can't just leave you. And don't be angry with Kurt for giving me the CD." Quinn pulled the slim case out of her bag and looked at it for a long moment before handing it to Rachel. "I know you don't want me to have it, so, here!"

Rachel helplessly lifted her arms and the let them fall again to her side. "Quinn, I... I don't want it. It was meant for you, originally, so keep it. See it as a good-bye present then. A good-bye to music, to my live, to everything I had. I need a break from all that. I need to sort myself out, I need to… I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I NEED! I need my hearing back, but since I obviously can't get that, I ... I... need to find a way to ..." She was despreately looking for words. "Everything just reminds me of what I have lost." In a whisper she added: "I still love you, but … I just need some time alone."

The last remarks stung. Very much.

Quinn flinched and took an involuntary step backwards.

It broke Rachel's heart to see how much pain she caused the person she still loved more than her life. But she needed a break.

It was true what she had said, she needed to collect herself, needed to take a breather from the crazy marathon run through the hearing world with all her experiences she had absolved over the past months.

With the Glee Club meeting everything seemed to have caught up with her and she had this overwhelming feeling of being run over by a stream train. That every second of her life the fact that she couldn't hear was pushed right back into her face.

I can't be with you. Quinn had heard the words, but still could not quite understand them. She could not grasp how her life had turned around one hundred eighty degrees within few hours.

"How could we go from making love this morning, from having fun to... this?" Quinn asked desperately, still trying to understand where this sudden rupture between them had come from.

She had never expected it to be easy for and with Rachel while she was still trying to adapt. But she had thought through their honest and open talks they could both manage to move forward. She was so lost in her thoughts that she almost missed Rachel's answer.

"This... Was always there, Quinn. And I realized that when I met Lauren and Cara that they had an understanding of my situation that no one else has or will ever get. I don't mean that as a reproach, it's just... the way it is."

"The way it is." Quinn repeated slowly, without signing. Then she lifted her hands again.

Things are always the way they are, but we can make a difference. We can change them, if we want to. We can work things out.

"I need time, Quinn, please!"

Rachel sounded so desperate. She looked so lost in her battle with her inner demons. Deep in her heart she understood why Rachel did this to her, to them. But it did not make it hurt any less. Quinn knew that Rachel had to fight the rest of the fight alone. She had done and said anything she could. All she could do now, was give Rachel the time and space she asked for. And hope that love would win that battle that was raging inside Rachel's head and heart.

Despite her better judgment Quinn stepped forward and enveloped her in an embrace. To her own surprise Rachel let herself be held and even closed her arms around her waist.

They stood like that for a moment, neither of them daring to break the moment.

Quinn took a couple of ragged breaths. The true meaning of Rachel's words slowly seemed to sink in.

How much time did she need? There were still so many questions burning in her heart, but Quinn knew that this was not the time to pose them. She swallowed hard and then felt all her energy drain.

She had felt quite a while that something was off between them, but neither she nor Rachel had openly touched upon it. Now it was too late. As much as it hurt and as much as part of her was angry with Rachel, she tried to put herself in Rachel's shoes.

She had been brave throughout the whole past months, taking one step further every time. Now looking back, maybe it really had been too much in a too short time, as Kurt suggested. She knew Rachel had enjoyed herself at the club, but they had never really talked about how meeting Lauren and Cara had affected her. And how she really experienced being at the club, surrounded by music she could only feel. Then spending the entire time at her concert, showing her support and love through this action, being absolutely exposed to an environment that absolutely did nothing to ease her pain and help her adjust. Still she came and stayed until the very end.

Quinn knew that this must have cost Rachel so much effort, but only now she realized how much. Maybe these and some other situations depleted Rachel's energy reserves a bit too quickly so that she did not have the strength anymore to deal in a different way with the situation today.

Now, in retrospect there were so many things they should have talked about. Quinn herself should have been more open with her feelings in certain situations as well.

But there was no sense in berateing herself about could have and would haves now.

For today, all was said and done.

She had to let go. She had to let got and trust that one day Rachel would win this fight against her own desperation, against her feeling of not belonging anywhere. Quinn just hoped that day would come sooner than later and that she would realize that she belonged with her, that they belonged to each other.

Right now, Quinn did not have the strength to fight anymore. Slowly she disentangled herself from Rachel and both women took a step back to get some distance between them. Quinn felt like her heart could never heal from the pain.

Without any further word she turned and left, leaving an equally heartbroken Rachel in her wake.

Outside Quinn took a couple of deep breaths and sent out a prayer before she walked to her car.

God, please God, let Rachel find her inner peace. And when she does, let me be ready.
Let me be strong enough to get through this.
Let me be strong enough to keep loving her despite the pain.
Let me be strong enough to find trust and forgiveness.
Give me strength to be patient and to keep believing.

I know it's not what you've been hoping for yet and I'm sorry if I caused you any more pain. I really am.

Sometimes the roads we take are rocky and full of bumps and obstacles. And when we stop to take a breath, to look around, we might just find that another path is not far away, one that is easier to take, but we have been too occupied with our troubles to see it. Once we stop and reflect without blindly running on, we see more clearly. And then we can keep going.

Just like our two ladies.