I was half expecting Sam to follow me, but he stayed away which worked for me. One reason I'd been able to stay clear of hunting since moving in with Coyote was I refused to look at news reports, read papers, think about the outside world. For the first few weeks it was hard has hell to do. It'd been habit for so long, get up, get food, look for jobs. Coyote liked to stay up on current events and she'd had to train herself to not mention anything that was going on to me. I'd often wondered how people had no clue what was really going on out there, after a few months I understood why. If you don't look, you don't know and you can't care about things you know nothing about. There are millions of tragedies going on every day, most people have no clue. Admittedly if you try to care about everything and everyone you'd drive yourself nuts so I guess I couldn't blame them. My entire life I'd been scouring reports of killings, abuse and torture to try to find the one or two monsters that weren't actually human. There are plenty of humans that are monsters so after a few years of doing that you get a pretty bleak view of humanity. Thinking about it now I'm pretty shocked that Sam and I are still able to care about anyone at all these days.

Once Sam started hanging out he noticed that I wasn't looking at news and chose not to mention any jobs he was working on. The few jobs I did go on were ones where he'd needed extra backup and he'd waited until the last second to ask, but as soon as we got back to Coyote's place not a word about hunting was said. After a few months I had managed to build a pretty safe anti-hunting bubble. It got a little shattered once I started calling hunters to help with the truck stop, but I didn't mind too much. Most of the chatter faded once we started building the place, I think the other hunters appreciated the break as much as I did. The call from Krissy had just blown the whole thing to shreds.

If it'd been some adult I would have been able to hand it off, let Sam and Coyote go and been fine with it. Kids are something completely different. Kids have always attached themselves to me and I've never minded it. I like kids, maybe it's the fact that they're still innocent or that I never really got to be one myself. Maybe it's the big brother in me I don't know. Kids in trouble always get to me, probably has to do with that protect everyone part of me that I got up close and personal view of when my Warrior Spirit went damn near rabid when Sam and Coyote were threatened. Poor wolf was beat all to hell but it didn't matter.

It wasn't just that though. Coyote isn't really good with kids either. She doesn't know how to talk to them or act around them and she's not that fond of them in general. They're loud and rambunctious, she likes things a lot calmer. It was a good thing I wasn't all that keen on having my own kids or that could be an rather large issue between us. I've got no problem helping out other people's kids, I did it all the time on the Reservation but wasn't too sure I wanted the responsibility full time. I'd done that once all ready raising Sam. If she managed to get Jacob talking he was going to need someone around that didn't just understand being controlled by something but someone that he feel comfortable opening up to, Sam and Coyote weren't those people. As much as I loved them, it was the truth.

Problem was that I wasn't too sure I'd be comfortable with delving back into what I'd need to to help him. I wasn't sure if Coyote was doing things to help with my nightmares, if it was the fact that I was more relaxed, wasn't hunting or a combination of all of it but I'd go weeks now without one, at least one that I could remember. When I'd ask her she said the same thing. I used to wake her up all the time because I'd be thrashing around in my sleep or screaming but that barely happened now. Even though the hate the Mark had been shoving into me head was gone and I'd manage to start separating out my motives for doing things from the guilt Azazel had given me I still had days where I was on edge, pissy and filled with this random rage or frustration that I didn't know where it came from. Usually I'd take off and go for a hike or a long ass drive to get as far away as I could from Coyote so I wouldn't do or say anything that would hurt her. I still feel that push towards violence every now and again which scared the crap out of me. Hell, all that hate that poured through me just from Krissy telling me about Jacob was way out of line, or maybe it was just because it'd been so long since I'd felt it that it felt out of whack.

All this crap was why I wanted to see the wolf again. Seeing him was what made me realize how truly screwed I was, how close to completely lost I'd become. I've never been all that good with monitoring my mental or emotional health, at least until it was on four legs and in my face. I'd wanted to have her call him out before but I knew it wasn't an easy thing to do so I'd ask her how I was doing, especially at first. The last few months I hadn't because I felt so good, so happy. I wouldn't be much help to Jacob if I lost it again and judging from how pissed off I was feeling I wasn't as stable as I thought I was. Yeah sure, my happy little paradise had gotten shattered but I should have expected that. I'd rather have it be a kid needing counseling then Sam dead or a demon knocking at my door.

There was a knock on the door, "Yeah?"

Sam opened it but didn't walk in. "She's out on the porch. She's ready when you are."

I tossed the empty can in the trash, "Thanks."

I tried to walk into the house but he blocked me. "Don't do this. Please. Stay here, stay out of it. Let us handle it." Usually I was the one telling him to stay out of things to stay safe. All that carefree happiness he'd shown yesterday was gone, he was beyond serious and pretty much begging me to walk away.

"Stay here and what? Put that whole conversation out of my head somehow? Not worry about the kid?"

"I can handle this, so can she. We're not incompetent."

That pissed me off and I wasn't really sure why, "Never said you were. Now move."

He put his hand up, "Stop, right now. How the hell are you going to help him when we haven't even left yet and you're an inch away from ripping things to shreds? She's right, you know it. Accept it and back down."

I got a handle on it, "Sam, yesterday I pulled off something I never thought I get a chance to do. I gave you a pretty damn awesome birthday party, spent a whole day doing nothing but celebrating and having a great time. Today the shit hit the fan, excuse me for being pissed off about it. I know she's right, but her being right doesn't mean I can't help someone. Now let me do this, I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. If that wolf looks as bad off as a year ago I'll stay here, I promise."

"You know it won't so that's a worthless promise."

He had a point. "Sam, please."

For a second there I thought he was going to lock me in the garage, or at least try. "Go get in touch with your inner self, but we're not going anywhere until the three of us have a long ass talk about this. You do not get to throw your weight around and pull the older brother card on me anymore. Not when it comes to this. I want reasons, answers and not your usual do it my way or the highway attitude. Understand?"

"Do you honestly think you can stop me from going?"

"I think I can tell you that I'll walk out that door and not come back and you'll believe it because you know I've got someone else to hunt with. I won't watch you destroy yourself again and I won't help you do it either, neither will she. We may not be able to physically stop you from going but we can sure as hell make you wish we had."

I was suddenly a lot less pissed off, "I know. Sorry. I won't be a jackass about this, my word on that. We good?"

He didn't move or drop his eyes away from mine for another few seconds, "For now."

Once he moved to the side I went out to the porch. Coyote was standing barefoot in the dirt out past where the porch ended. There was a pretty good spring breeze that was making her hair shift and dance along with it. She was dressed in loose brown cotton pants, a short sleeve t-shirt and her silver armband. Her eyes were closed but she must have heard the door because as soon as I stepped out on the porch she started singing and shuffling. I wasn't sure if I should stay where I was or move closer but she waved me over and pointed at a spot about two feet away from her. I followed her directions and put my hand towards her since I knew she'd need blood at some point. Her singing grew louder, she raised her head and the air around me felt thick and alive with power. Her eyes opened up just enough so she could see. She pulled the knife from her waistband, grabbed my hand, sliced it, wiped her finger along the cut and closed her hand again.

That weird pressure and heat started building in my chest, it felt a lot stronger than last time. She tossed a handful of herbs that she grabbed from her pocket in the air and the sucking feeling kicked in, except this time I was pretty damn sure my lungs were coming out with the wolf. He jumped out, landed a few feet away and I had to gasp for air.

"What the hell?"

Coyote stopped singing, "He's stronger now."

"I don't remember Sam or Cougar gasping for air last time."

"Cougar is used to it and I linked you and Sam together to cushion the blow."

"Little warning would have been nice."

The neutral, Shaman looked slipped, she was pissed that I was even contemplating going. "You'll live. I'll leave you two alone. Let me know when you're done." She didn't even look back as she walked inside.

"Guess I kind of deserved that." My wolf shook himself and looked over his shoulder at me. The first thing I noticed was he had a lot more fur, the second thing I noticed was he was more gray and less midnight black. He turned around and I saw his chest. The white spot had spread and there was no blood oozing from anywhere on him. "Huh, looking pretty good there buddy." He was still scarred, probably always would be, but he didn't look like he'd just done ten rounds with sociopath anymore. It was more like he'd done ten rounds with a sociopath sometime in the distant past, which was a rather large improvement. He walked closer and I ran my hand along his back, the emotions that that triggered were a lot more muted than last time. I'd hit a scar and I'd remember something but it wasn't so in my face and painful.

"Seems we're doing better now."

He'd been looking out across the plains when I said that but his ears swiveled back at my words. He moved a little to the left and my hand hit a scar. My gun was in my hand and it was pointing at Coyote's head as she screamed. Then there was a stabbing, burning pain coming from my hand and I was staring at the wolf who had his teeth locked onto my hand. I hadn't moved but the image was still so clear in my head.

My ass hit the ground, "How? God no, it's gone. How can that still be so strong?"

The wolf didn't say anything of course. Just whimpered and leaned into me. "You moved that way on purpose didn't you? You know what each of those links to, right?"

He nodded. "Great. You're not too keen on helping Jacob are you?"

He did this weird doggy head tilt which I took as a maybe.

"You do get the irony here right? I'm asking a four footed manifestation of my internal self if I am psychologically stable enough to help a kid who's just had his soul raped by some sort of cursed object. This in itself should tell me that I'm not stable at all. My life never ceases to confuse me."

That got a wolfy smile, tongue hanging out to one side of his mouth and everything.

I sighed and he sat down next to me. "It's a kid."

He growled and snapped at the empty air.

"Exactly. It's not a hunt. We're not killing anything, the bad guy's already dead. All we're doing is helping a kid through the aftermath. Yeah, it will bring back memories but I've got Baby back too. Just getting in her will bring stuff back too. Right?"

The wolf had no comment.

"It's a one time thing. I went on hunts earlier, nothing bad happened."

That got me a skeptical wolf look.

"Well okay, nightmares got worse, I drank a lot more and I was jacked up for a week or so when I got back, but nothing really bad happened."

He snorted and looked away.

"Not helping."

His tail flicked once, but he didn't bother to look back at me.

"Fine. Going on those wasn't the best idea but Sam needed backup."

That got a sigh and a long level look directed my way.

"What? I've gotten better about it. You have to admit that."

He just kept staring.

"You know as well as I do if they go and I stay I'm going to drive us both nuts wondering about what's going on and it's going to stir all this crap up anyway."

He gave me a slow nod and dropped his head onto his paws.

"Why do I do this? It's not the guilt thing anymore, I know that. So why? Why can't I just convince myself I've done my part and call it quits?"

He lifted his head off his paws and stood up, which made him eye level with me. Even though he was me it was kind of intimidating having his eyes locked onto to mine like that. The red tint was gone, they were just the usual wolf colored yellow but there was no doubt who and what he was. He was a fighter who'd do anything to protect those he cared about. What Azazel said before the guilt speech came back to me, how I was Michael's perfect vessel, all the love and all the loyalty was programmed into me. I often wondered if it hadn't been for the guilt if I would have been able to kill Sam like Dad had ordered me to do. The guilt over Mom's and Dad's death made me choose to save Sam instead of leaving him for dead. What if in the end Azazel's guilt had been the whole reason I helped Sam stop the Apocalypse. Wouldn't that be the ultimate irony? That the guilt was what made me choose my brother over my father, unlike Michael.

I didn't know Jacob but I cared about him, he needed someone that could understand him. I could. I didn't look away from the wolf's eyes. "We have to do this, you know that."

He barely nodded but I felt it deep down, he was agreeing with me. "I won't go off on my own like before, this isn't about punishing myself for anything. This is our job, it's who we are. Right?"

A rather large paw landed on top of my hand and that sense of resolve grew even stronger. "All right. Not hunting, helping. Think she'll be okay with this?"

He flinched, whined and covered his eyes with the paw that wasn't on my hand. "Wimp. She'll get it, because she's made the same choice. We just have to remind her of that fact."

His paw dropped away from his eyes, he looked towards the house, lowered his ears which made him look absolutely pathetic and butted his head against my chest. I didn't feel any sadness from him, it was more the sense that he wanted to hide.

"Not getting out of this that easy. We need her to send you back so suck it up. You'll have to be part of this conversation whether you want to or not."

He pulled his head back from my chest and seemed to be trying to make himself look bigger, not by raising his fur or anything threatening, just more like he was trying to get the courage to face her. I think we both were but it was easier to watch him freak out about it then feel it myself. "Come on. Let's get this over with."

I stood up and we went inside to face both of them. It was going to be a long day.