Sorry for the long wait! Excuse the typos, this chapter is not beta-read and no matter how often I read it, I still overlook some of them...
tinythunder: Haha, cool coincidence!
texican: sorry about killing you... maybe this is better... ?
gllover22: Yes, she does :-)
laylarei: But isn't it sad that is sometimes has to come so far, before we wake up
Toxxo: Yes, I think that should boost her confidence a bit!
RachelBarbraBerry: They will!
CarolineSC: Um, it should get better now :-)
IloveDiannaAgron: Yes, there is!
trudis123: Thank you!
Chapter 53
The nurse arrived a short moment after Rachel had pressed the call button. Seeing that her patient was awake, she checked Quinn's vitals and left to get the doctor on duty. Seeing the nurse's face only from the side while she talked, Rachel guessed that this was what she had said.
Quinn tried to speak again, but Rachel shook her head. "Don't speak Quinn, please, save your strength and let's wait for the doctor."
Rachel realized that she still held Quinn's hand and wanted to pull back, felling self-conscious all of a sudden. Quinn tried to tighten her grip not wanting for Rachel to let go, so the brunette left her fingers entwined with Quinn's.
"What happened?" The blonde finally whispered, ignoring Rachel's request to save her strength. She tried to turn her head so Rachel could see her lips better and it felt like someone was pounding on her head with a hammer.
When Rachel wanted to answer, they were interrupted by the arrival of the medical staff. Dr. Erin Bord stood on the name tag of the tall woman who followed the nurse. Rachel stood up and gently disentangled her hand from Quinn's.
This time Quinn loosened her grip a little.
"Stay," Quinn whispered and held Rachel's gaze for a moment until Rachel nodded and moved to the foot of the bed to make room for the other two women.
They quickly checked the monitor next to Quinn's bed, and then the red-haired doctor bent over her patient.
Quinn tore her eyes away from Rachel and moved her gaze towards the person leaning over her.
"Good, you're awake. Can you hear me clearly?" The doctor asked me.
Quinn nodded barely visible. Even that small movement caused a thunderstorm of pain in her head.
"Good," Dr. Bord smiled. She held up two fingers. "Can you see how many fingers I'm holding up?"
This time Quinn decided to try speaking again. Maybe that was less painful.
"Yes," she breathed and added "two", wondering why her voice sounded so raspy and her throat felt so dry.
Then she managed to ask again: "What happened?"
She looked from the doctor to Rachel and back. She felt so tired and just wanted to go back to sleep. It was hard to keep her eyes open.
"Quinn, you are in the hospital. Apparently you fell down the stairs and you were unconscious for a while. Can you remember anything?" The doctor probed.
The blonde groaned and tried to move again to adjust her position and it seemed that her whole body was hurting. When Quinn had settled down again, the nurse turned around and adjusted the drip of the infusion.
"Don't move. You need to rest." She re-assured Quinn. "The pain should lessen a bit in a short while."
The doctor repeated her question and Quinn raked her brain to come up with her last memory before she woke up in the hospital.
"Just remember… New year's eve… going out…I left the apartment…" her voice trailed off.
"Good." Dr. Bord seemed satisfied that her patient's memory came up with events that were pretty close to the fall. That was a good sign.
"You remember anything else? How you fell?" she asked then.
Quinn thought hard but came up empty. "No," she croaked.
The red-haired woman leaned slightly over her again. "Ok don't worry about it. It might come back in time."
"What's … wrong with me?" Quinn tried to take stock of her body, but the pain in her head was all she could focus on. She noticed however that she could move her feet and toes. That was a relief.
Waking up in a hospital not knowing how she got there or why conjured up bad memories. She could move her limbs this time at least and she did not seem to be incapacitated otherwise as far as she could tell. There was just this maddening pain in her head. She tuned back to the voice of the doctor.
"You are suffering from a concussion, badly bruised ribs and a twisted left arm. This will keep you in bed for a couple of days, but you will be fine. The ribs will hurt a while, probably longer than your arm and head. You might be restricted in your movement for a couple of days because of that, but that's nothing that will not heal by itself. You were lucky," she smiled at the blonde.
"I'm going to shine a light into your eyes now, don't be alarmed."
The doctor checked her pupils' reaction and seemed to be satisfied with the result as well.
"Can you remember what day it is?"
Quinn wondered if that question and answer game would be finished soon. She was so tired. Besides, she would much more like to speak to Rachel. She was afraid that the brunette would leave before they had a chance to talk. She let her eyes wander over to Rachel and was relieved that she was still there, her brown eyes skipping between her and the doctor. She probably was not able to follow the conversation, Quinn realized, when she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Quinn?" She heard Dr. Bord say her name.
Shit. Try to concentrate Quinn, she told herself, the quicker you give them their answers, the quicker they might leave you alone again. What was the question again? Ah, yes, what day it was.
"Um," Quinn took a ragged breath. "I think, um, it's after New Year. Jan… January first, maybe? I don't know, how long have I been out?"
Quinn looked again from the doctor to Rachel who was watching her with a mixture of relief, longing and … sadness. She only listened to the doctors answer half-way, but it registered with her at least that she had not been unconscious very long.
The blonde took another breath and flinched as she felt the pain shoot through her upper body, making her head pound even more. Then she noticed two other figures standing in the door.
Rachel followed her gaze and smiled seeing that Santana had arrived. She gave her a small wave with her hand before she turned her attention back to Quinn.
Rachel closely watched the exchange between the doctor and Quinn. She was hardly able to read the doctor's lips as the tall woman was mostly turned towards Quinn.
Quinn's comments were partly recognizable. Rachel read more from Quinn's expression than from her lips when the blonde tried hard to remember anything from the fall and crinkled her nose unconsciously in the process.
Judging by the smile and nods from the doctor and nurse though, Quinn's responses seemed to meet their expectations.
Dr. Bord asked her two or three more questions to establish that she did not have any further memory lapses besides the one about the moment before her fall.
Satisfied with Quinn's answers, the doctor finally seemed to wrap up her visit. Quinn heard her tell her that they would give her some light pain medication, but that she needed to stay awake now for the next couple of hours. This way they could make sure she was ok and the concussion did not have any further effects on her.
With one last check of the monitor she and the nurse left the room, giving the other two waiting friends the permission to say hello shortly.
However, seeing that Rachel and Quinn were still establishing their boundaries, Kurt and Santana decided to wait and check in later. They heard that Quinn needed to stay awake, so she would definitely need someone to keep her occupied later.
Quinn's gaze followed the medical staff and her eyes shortly rested on her other two friends who mouthed that they would wait outside. Having heard that the doctor was optimistic, they were ok to wait a couple of moments longer.
Rachel's presence registered again with Quinn and all the details came rushing back. She looked at the brunette who seemed unsure of where to go and what to do next.
Just when Rachel debated with herself whether to give Quinn some rest and leave or to sit back on her previously occupied chair, a small movement in front of her pulled her from her thoughts.
Quinn waved her closer with her good hand. When Rachel slowly sat down, the blonde slightly turned her head to look at her. After the pain in her head the movement had caused subsided again somewhat – hopefully the painkillers would kick in soon - she tried to lift her arms very slowly to sign, but could not quite manage.
Jesus, these bruised ribs were a bitch and having her left arm in a sling across her chest did not make her position more comfortable. She pressed her lips together and closed her eyes for a moment.
"Quinn, don't move. It's ok." Rachel explained.
Even though Quinn was not able to really communicate with her in her current condition, Rachel was so immensely relieved that there seemed to be nothing seriously wrong with her. She would be ok, she would be fine and that was all that mattered.
Before Rachel could stop herself, she bent over Quinn's right hand and stroked the fingers lightly, and then she placed a soft kiss on them.
Quinn slightly turned her hand and tapped on Rachel's chin to get her to look up again.
When the blonde was sure she had her attention, she asked her: "How come you are here?" while trying to hint at the signs with her right hand at least.
Rachel exhaled slowly, before answering. "I got a message from the hospital that you were admitted. Apparently they found my number in your emergency contacts."
Quinn nodded once and remembered that she had the card with the number in her purse. Her mom had thought her already as a child to carry such information with her, so if something happened, people would know whom to call. While she remembered, she felt herself drift off again.
Rachel noticed how Quinn had troubles keeping her eyes open.
"Quinn, maybe I should let you rest for a while," Rachel suggested gently.
"No. Have to stay awake." Quinn answered and forced herself to open her eyes to look at Rachel. She had a questioning look on her face as if trying to guess what she had just said. .
For Rachel the word 'awake' just looked like 'away' and she was not sure if Quinn wanted her to leave after all.
Seeing Rachel struggle to understand, Quinn tried to sign with her right hand again. But the sign for 'awake' was usually signed near the eyes, and it was impossible for her to lift her arm so far. So she simply spelled the word with her fingers.
"Oh, I see." Rachel had not heard the instruction from the doctor and wondered what other important information she had missed. Focusing back on the conversation she did not know if she was relieved or not that Quinn had not sent her away. She would not have been surprised if she had done so, not after the way Rachel had treated her in Lima.
She watched Quinn's eyes close again and gently nudged her on the arm. "Quinn, open your eyes, come on, you need to stay awake, you just told me so yourself."
Rachel's voice seemed to come from far away. Still, something told Quinn that she should focus on that, that she had to keep this voice near.
"I'm trying, but I'm so tired. And thirsty." Her right hand was moving again in parallel to help Rachel understand.
Rachel looked around and found some water on the night stand. She poured half a glass and helped Quinn raise her head slowly so she could swallow easier. The painkillers seemed to work finally, as the pounding in her head did not make her as nauseous as before when trying to move.
"Thanks." Quinn managed when she was finished. She felt Rachel carefully slide her hand from under her neck and watched her put the glass on the night stand.
Hesitatingly, Rachel's hand hovered over her face, only to gently brush away a couple of strands from her forehead a moment later. Despite the pain in her ribs, Quinn raised her right forearm and held on to Rachel's arm to avoid her pulling back her hand. This caused Rachel to place her hand on Quinn's cheek and a small moan escaped the blonde's lips at the touch.
Rachel closed her eyes and concentrated on the warm skin beneath her fingers. She had missed this so much. She had missed feeling and seeing Quinn, despite all the hurt that had raged through her the past days.
Both women reveled in that short moment of peace and tenderness.
Still, it was such a strange atmosphere between them, Quinn thought. It felt like Rachel was there but then wasn't, as if debating whether to stay or to go. And the blonde couldn't get the haze out of her mind to find the right words to say, nor find the strength to sign properly.
Then she raised her eyes and looked into Rachel's.
Those eyes.
They always told her the truth. But right now she could not focus enough to look behind their warm hue. Before she could say anything, Rachel spoke. She had not removed her hand from Quinn's cheek yet and Quinn was grateful for that small gesture. She had longed for that touch for so long.
"There are two more visitors here who would like to see you. It would not be fair of me to use up all the visiting time," Rachel smiled shyly.
Quinn did not react to that. Instead she asked the question she had asked before.
"How come you are here?"
Rachel looked confused after she half read the question from Quinn's lips and half through her signs.
Had Quinn forgotten that she had asked her that already? Was something wrong with her memory after all?
"I told you, my number was still on the…" she started slowly before Quinn interrupted her. She lifted her right hand again and tried to accompany her words with signs.
"I know, you told me before. I mean, why are you here? Why did you come after all we have been through?"
"I… I can leave if you want me to." Rachel answered quietly.
Quinn shook her head and instantly regretted it. Trying to lift her good arm too fast, she felt the pain shoot through her ribs again that it took her breath away and made her eyes water.
"Quinn!" Rachel grasped at seeing her in so much pain. "Don't move. And don't try to sign."
When the immediate pain ebbed away again, then the blonde made a writing movement with her hand and Rachel quickly placed her pad and a pen on the bed. She tilted the wad of paper a little, so Quinn could see what she was writing.
That's not what I meant. I don't want you to go. I just want to understand what brought you here.
Rachel read the words and then thought long about her answer.
"When I received the call and realized you were hurt, I just reacted on instinct. I needed to know that you were going to be all right. I was really scared. I found a cab and drove straight to the hospital."
The more she spoke, the more agitated she got until the words came out in a rush.
"I didn't know what was wrong with you or how badly you were injured. When I came here they just took you away to get x-rays. You were unconscious and I was so worried that… that … I…," Rachel took a deep shuddering breath, "…would never see you again," she finished.
But you didn't want to see me again. Quinn brought it to the point.
"I… I know," Rachel answered quietly. "Quinn, I … there is a lot we need to talk about. That is… if you are willing to. But not now. Now you need to get better first."
Quinn looked at the brown eyes again that gazed at her with the same mix of feelings she had seen before. She noticed sadness and worry, only now there was something else in them as well. Quinn thought she saw a glimmer of hope.
"Hey, before you start making up and making out, can I interrupt?" the distinct voice of Santana reached Quinn's ears. She tore her gaze away from Rachel and looked at her new visitor.
Rachel followed Quinn's line of vision and noticed their friend standing in the door.
"I'll give you two some time. Kurt is also here, you want to see him?" Rachel then asked Quinn. The blonde nodded.
Quinn tried to sign again, mouthing the words in parallel. Will you come back?
Rachel hesitated a second. "If you want me to, I will."
The blonde nodded barely noticeable. "That would be nice." She managed with a weak smile before her eyes fell close again.
Rachel bent over her while she stood up and touched her lightly on the shoulder. "Quinn, look at me, you have to stay awake."
She mumbled something that was illegible for Rachel. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw Santana coming closer.
Hey Rachel the Latina greeted her signing and hugged her shortly.
"Hello Santana."
I'll try to keep her awake. Kurt is outside.
Rachel nodded and stepped aside so Santana could sit on the chair besides the bed.
After a little hesitation Rachel asked her friend: "What did she just say? I… I couldn't read her lips."
Santana took the pad and wrote her answer down. She said it would be really nice if you came back.
"That's what I guessed. Thanks."
Welcome. Though I have no idea what she mumbled afterwards. Anyway, I'll keep her awake now.
Rachel nodded. Slowly, she walked to the door and went out into the hallway with a last look at Quinn who was nudged by Santana and threw the Latina a grumpy look at being disturbed again.
… … …
In the hallway Rachel was greeted by Kurt.
Hey, how is she?
"Tired. She keeps falling asleep. We have to keep her awake."
Good that there are three of us, we can take turns cheering her up and distracting her. Kurt took a closer look at his friend.
How are you doing, he asked her a little concerned.
"She asked me to come back."
Kurt looked at her. "And, will you?"
"Yes," Rachel breathed barely audible.
Good. Otherwise I would have dragged you here, Rachel.
Rachel smiled weakly at him. She tried to find a comfortable seating position.
Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, she found herself getting very tired.
"God, what time is it?" She asked groggy.
No idea. Want some coffee?
Rachel shook her head.
What she wanted she wasn't sure she'll ever get.
… … …
"So Q, care to tell me what the hell you think you're doing in the hospital on New Year's Eve?" Santana demanded from her friend.
Quinn tore her eyes away from the door Rachel had disappeared through a moment earlier and slowly looked at her friend.
"I… I can't remember."
"Well try, because I'm short of shaking you like mad for this stunt you pulled! I almost freaked out when I read Berry's message and received Kurt's call. So exercise those little brain cells for a moment."
"Rachel sent you a message?"
Santana rolled her eyes. "Sure you only focus on that." She sighed. "Yes. She did. She also called Kurt on his phone. You gave all of us quite a big scare tonight, Quinn."
Quinn though for a moment. Her brain still wasn't working as quickly as she wanted it to. There was something that Santana had said that…
"She called Kurt? You mean she texted him?"
Santana just shook her head.
"She…?"
"Yes. She did, that's how freaked out she was. Now tweak your tiny brain a bit. I left you when you wanted to go to bed. What made your skinny ass land on the bottom of the stairs?"
"Huh." Quinn still had to digest Santana's first sentence. It was hard to wrap her brain around everything.
The last thing she remembered was thinking about Rachel and how she was supposed to live through the days without her, without any contact, not even text messages or any other life sign from her. And the next thing she saw was an absolutely worried Rachel sitting at her bed in the hospital.
It was not that she did not want her to be here, but now that she remembered more clearly the past days and conversations, she wondered what made of Rachel change her mind.
Nevertheless, she wished for nothing more than to feel her hand again on her cheek, to look into these brown eyes and see all the love, and only love, without the pain and insecurity.
"Yo, you still there?" She heard Santana's voice pull her back into the present.
"Mhm, yeah."
Quinn tried again to piece together what happened after Santana left. "I ate a slice of toast. I wanted to sober up and I remember I made some coffee." She pictured herself in her kitchen. "Hm. After eating something and having had the coffee, I felt better. I wanted to go out to get some fresh air. I remember walking out of the apartment, but that's it. Then I woke up here."
"Well, apparently you took a tumble down the stairs. One of our neighbors found you when he came home. Kurt and I talked to the nurse while you were busy throwing adoring glances at Rachel. Apparently you just blacked out from not having eaten much the past days and then the stress with your work, the worries about your relationship… that all seemed to have been a bit too much. Your blood pressure was really low and in combination with the wine we had..."
"Maybe."
"Well, anyway I'm glad that you'll be fine, Quinn. And I apologize for not being a good friend and leaving you alone to go out to party."
"Santana, don't feel bad about that, ok? It was my fault and responsibility what happened, not yours."
"Still, this sucks."
Quinn tried to adjust her position a bit, but with only one hand it was difficult to move up. She groaned again and gave up. "Fucking pain."
Santana chuckled. "Well, enjoy the ride, cause in a couple of weeks you'll be as good as new."
"Very funny. Even breathing hurts if I take too deep breaths. Shit." Quinn closed her eyes in frustration. "I need to call my director tomorrow. I can't work like that."
"Give me his number, I'll do it. You have to rest a bit first before you think of working again."
"Yes, ma'am."
Santana noticed how Quinn's eyes kept wandering towards the door with a forlorn look.
"You want me to get her back in here?" The Latina then asked quietly.
"I… I don't know. I.. I'm … I need to ask her something."
"Ok, I'll get her. But Kurt is also outside and wants to check how you are."
"Oh. Sure."
Santana got up and lightly squeezed Quinn's hand.
Quinn watched her leave. She was so tired; she'd so much like to go to sleep.
It took a moment before Kurt entered her room, but she was grateful to have a couple of minutes to herself. She needed to digest what had happened.
Jesus, she really had passed out. Another bit of memory came floating back. She remembered that she felt a little light headed when walking down the stairs. She thought that it must have been the alcohol. Why had she not taken the elevator in the first place, she wondered. When she realized that the wooziness did not disappear she had held on to the handrail.
Nothing else came back.
Next thing she remembered was waking up here. Seeing Rachel sitting next to her, holding her hand had felt like a dream at first. When she realized that Rachel truly was sitting next to her, she was not sure what to make of it.
Would she disappear again now, knowing that Quinn would be alright? Would she come back? Would she be willing to talk? Quinn hated that she couldn't really sign because of the pain. It made the whole situation just more difficult and must be shoving another proof of limitation into Rachel's face.
Kurt's head peaked around the door frame and pulled Quinn back from her thoughts.
"Hey, are you up for one more visitor? Though I can't stay for long, the nurse is giving us the evil eye."
Quinn chuckled. Not a good idea. Not for her ribs, not for her head. Damn.
"Why, she should be glad you are keeping me awake."
"Yeah, well, I guess she is afraid we are making her redundant."
They bantered on for a few minutes, which made Quinn feel a little better.
… … …
Outside, Santana sat down next to Rachel and tapped her lightly on the shoulder, while Kurt excused himself to go to the restroom before visiting Quinn.
Rachel had her eyes closed, though she did not seem to be asleep. Slowly she turned her head and looked at Santana.
"How is she?"
Still ok. Hard to stay awake, but she'll be fine, I think. The dark eyes looked at Rachel for a moment before Santana asked: And how are you?
Rachel shrugged. "Relieved, exhausted, overwhelmed with the situation and how to deal with this. With us."
She looked at her hands and remembered that she had decided to start signing in parallel, even though others could hear her. She figured that for Santana, who was still learning, it might be helpful. Besides, she wasn't sure she had her voice under control with all the emotions rolling through her.
Santana watched the mix of sentiments play on Rachel's features and could only begin to imagine how she must feel. She snug an arm around her shoulders and gave her a short half-hug.
That was enough for Rachel to lose control. She threw her hands over her face and desperately tried to stifle the sobs.
"I'm so relieved, but now that I know that she will be fine, I feel so torn. Torn between my heart and my mind. I don't know what to do."
The Latina held her for a moment longer until she felt Rachel calm down.
Then she turned her head slightly so the brunette would look at her.
Rachel, I think your heart already told you what to do.
"How?"
I heard you telling Quinn that you reacted on instinct, when you heard about her being admitted. Instinct comes from the heart and your gut feeling, but it rarely involves the head. You came rushing here, all worried about her, you alarmed us, you even called Kurt, you were here when she woke up. Now, what does that tell you?
"Santana, we still have a few unsolved issues between us."
The Latina pulled out a small notebook and a pen and wrote her answer down.
And you won't solve those tonight or tomorrow. But at least you were talking again. Keep up the momentum, both of you, and talk. Discuss what is on your minds, but openly and honestly, without holding back.
She looked imploringly at the smaller woman. Rachel pressed her hand against her forehead.
"I know," she whispered. "But sometimes it is so hard."
I know, Rachel, believe me, I know. But not talking about problems makes it only worse. Look what happened over the past days. You need to talk.
Rachel nodded and wiped her tears away. They sat in silence for a moment until Kurt came back outside.
Quinn would like to see you again for a short moment, Kurt signed to Rachel. We'll wait at the elevators for you, ok?
"Ok."
Rachel stepped inside the room and immediately caught Quinn's expectant gaze.
She held up the pad where she had written something down.
I'm glad you came, Rachel. I really am. Thank you for being here and for informing Santana and Kurt as well. Will you come back later or tomorrow?
"If you want me to." Rachel repeated her words from earlier.
Do you want to come back? Quinn wrote down with a frown.
Rachel nodded after staring at the pad for a moment. "Yes. I would like to."
Quinn smiled and it made Rachel's heart grow all warm inside. She had missed that smile so much, like so many other things.
Then you are very welcome, Rachel. But I guess now you should all get some sleep.
"Yes, though it sounds unfair if you have to stay awake."
Well, I already had my beauty sleep, remember? Quinn tried to joke.
Rachel looked at her for a moment. "Maybe we can try not to scare each other for a little while now," she said before she could stop herself.
Quinn let out a short breath with a smile. Sounds good for now.
Rachel squeezed her hand and bent over her only to stop again mid-air. Then, after a second she placed a soft kiss on Quinn's forehead, careful not to touch the bluish-purple bruise.
"I'll come back tomorrow. Well, later today, actually. Do you want me to bring anything? "
No. I'm fine.
Rachel looked at Quinn for a moment with soft brown eyes. The blonde held her gaze and for just a tiny second it felt so familiar, so natural, as if the bond that connected them had never ripped.
Then Rachel stepped backwards towards the door. There she lifted her hands.
See you later, she signed, and Quinn smiled and gave a small wave with her hand.
… … …
The three friends left the hospital, all of them immensely relieved that Quinn's injuries were minor.
Santana and Kurt kept throwing glances at Rachel on their way out, trying to gauge how she was feeling. The brunette kept looking at the floor with a pensive expression. She looked pale and tired.
Outside, Rachel wanted to say good-bye to her friends when Santana grabbed her and pulled her towards a coffee shop that was already open – or still.
She signed while speaking. "No way Berry, we need to talk. Kurt, will you join us for a coffee?"
Glancing at his watch and guessing that his fiancé was probably fast asleep now anyway, he nodded. "There's nothing better than coffee at 5 o'clock in the morning," he answered with a yawn while moving his hands through the air.
Rachel looked wearily at her friend, then lifted her hands and answered signing and speaking: "I'm really tired. I'd rather go home."
"Yeah, I know, but I'd rather talk to you. You can sleep later. And by the way…. Happy new year," Santana answered likewise and then smiled and gently hugged her friend, which cause a small smile to appear on Rachel's face.
When she pulled back she answered the same. "Happy new year, Santana," and she used the special name sign she had decided to give the Latina. Actually that was just a nickname, she still had another – official - sign for Santana, but she wanted to know how Santana would react to that one first.
Kurt's jaw dropped, but Santana slowly started to smile when she realized what it meant.
"Rachel, you can't call her that!" Kurt blurted out almost forgetting to sign, still looking slightly offended, even though the sign was not for him.
"Shut up, Hummel, I like it." Then turning to Rachel, Santana said signing: "Good one Rachel. Canny, but good. Wouldn't have thought you'd come up with this."
Rachel smiled and shrugged. "It suits you. Let's go, I'm cold out here."
She walked between her friends across the street into the warmth of the little homey café. The smell of coffee wafted across the room and tickled their noses. Walking up to the counter, they placed their order and then found a comfortable seat in a corner. Few other tenants were also scattered around the other tables, all having the same tired look on their faces after a probably long night of celebration.
They drank their first sips in silence until Rachel caught Santana's eye and lifted an eyebrow in question.
Santana kept looking at her before she finally asked signing and talking: "How are you? I mean really. No bullshit "I'm doing ok" here…"
Rachel looked down and fiddled with her spoon. Then she lifted her hands and answered again in both ways: "I have been better. But I shouldn't complain, should I, since it is my fault for causing this situation Quinn and I are in, right?" She finished with a bitter note and focused her attention again on an invisible spot on her cup.
A tap on her forearm forced her to raise her head again, finding Santana talking to her while Kurt interpreted for his friend. Even though Santana had gotten better at signing, she was still struggling sometimes.
"Rachel, this accident and what it caused was not your fault. Being deaf and having to struggle with its consequences is not your fault. No one is blaming you."
"Really?" the brunette asked with a tone in her voice that showed that she did not believe it one bit.
Santana sighed. "Rachel, I'm not saying that I'm happy about your and Quinn's situation now. And I'm not saying that I don't understand both of you and the difficulties you are facing. Just because something is a fact, doesn't mean you cannot change it. But you haven't really answered my question. How are you?"
Rachel shrugged. "What do you think? I feel torn between guilt, shame, hope, confusion and relief. I wish we could somehow find our way back together, but that would not change anything about the facts and I don't know what to do about that. I don't want to go back and end up at the same point in a couple of months or half a year, neither does Quinn. I know it's my fault, because I'm causing all these problems, but…"
"Oh, hold it Berry!" Santana interrupted her holding up a hand. "You both have neglected talking about some important things. Quinn is as much to blame as you. She has never been one to easily talk about her feelings and I think you two need to sit down and get a real understanding of each other's situation. As hard as it is for you seeing her on stage, as hard it is for her knowing you are in the audience not being able to hear any of the music or what is going on around you."
"Yeah, and as hard as it is for her having to interpret all the time."
Kurt answered this time.
"Yes, Rachel that might be true, but if you two don't discuss these things, then you won't find a solution. In a way we might be glad that this happened tonight, because it gave you a chance to connect again. I'm not saying that it will all be rosy again, but at least this whole situation might have given you two a push to actively start facing your issues."
"Yeah, maybe." Rachel let out a long breath and took another sip of her coffee, then excused herself to go to the bathroom.
When she came back she noticed that Kurt and Santana were animatedly talking among each other. She took her seat and watched them for a moment. Then she felt the familiar feeling of being left out take hold. Tired as she was, she was surprised that she found another feeling also arise. It was one that was familiar to her as well. It was the feeling of wanting to fight for her right, of wanting to fight for what she wanted.
Santana was right.
Facts were facts, but the way you dealt with them gave you control. She had let herself be controlled by her circumstances long enough after her accident. And she remembered vividly how liberating it had been to start acting on her own wishes, venturing out again trying to live again.
Thinking hard about this time, she realized that she never wanted to go back to that the time where she had buried herself at home, not wanting to connect with anyone.
So now instead of sulking and feeling pity for herself again, she slapped her flat hand on the surface of the table to get her friends' attention.
When both looked at her, she told them signing again in parallel: "Do me a favor, guys. Humor me. Even though you're not talking to me, give me a chance to participate."
Kurt apologized while Santana looked at Rachel with a curious expression on her face.
"Now, that sounded more like the Berry I know. Keep it coming. What else is bothering you?" She stated after a moment. She noticed in Rachel's eyes that she had struck a mark.
Rachel closed her eyes for a moment and shook her head. Then she slowly lifted her hands, looked at Santana and signed her nickname again, only this time, using the correct signs instead of forming an S with her fingers as before.
Psychic bitch.
Santana laughed out loud while Kurt rolled his eyes.
I get, it, Rachel. Santana signed, while Kurt asked: "Is that really the sign you're going to use now for her?"
Rachel smiled and shook her head after a moment. "No. I have another one. This one is mine, like she calls me Berry, I call her Psychic Bitch. You know, her psychic third eye and all, always knowing people's inner secrets and her being a real bitch more often than not…" Santana bumped her elbow into Rachel's arm lightly and grinned.
So what's the real deal then, she wanted to know, if that is just my nickname?
Rachel formed an S with her right hand quickly followed by an x.
SX.
"What's that for? Sex? Six?" Kurt was confused.
"Haha, it means Snixx, you dork!" Santana beamed, signing along, leaving out the word "dork" as she did not know the sign.
"Yup." Was all Rachel said.
Kurt shook his head and Santana had a satisfied grin plastered on her face. She like her two name signs and gave Rachel two thumbs up for coming up with them. They took some more sips of their coffee in silence, when Kurt interrupted the silence after a while.
"Why do you keep on signing now when you are talking to us?" Kurt asked out of curiosity, his hands moving through the air.
Rachel explained to him her experience with Lauren and that it was strange in the beginning to remind herself that she had to sign. Also, it was something she wanted to do. Even though she knew what she was saying when she was speaking, she couldn't hear herself talk. And she found that when she signed along, it somehow gave her a possibility of reflecting on her own words.
This way she sort of "heard" herself talk. Or rather saw.
It was hard to describe, but Kurt and Santana understood. And Santana appreciated it, because it gave her even a better chance to learn more, as long as Rachel did not sign too fast.
"But why do you start only now with signing along? Why didn't you do it from the beginning?"
"I… I had to find out what I'm comfortable with, I guess. With my parents it was different, they were the only ones I signed to from the beginning, but it was more to show them how important it was for them to learn it too. But when I had you back in my life… I don't know, I guess I wanted to feel as normal as possible, it being hard enough not being able hear. I can at least speak and signing would have… given me away immediately. I know it sounds stupid." Rachel shrugged self-consciously.
"I realized that… that I can't pretend. And I can't neither hide myself nor my deafness. It's still a long way, but I have started to accept it more."
Santana had a proud smile on her face and she squeezed Rachel's hand that rested on the table after she finished signing.
Kurt smiled as well and held his hands in front of his chest, moving them forward, balling them into fists. Courage! He smiled.
When they had emptied their cups, the left the store into the still dark and early morning. Kurt caught a cab on his own, while Santana and Rachel shared one. It would drop Santana off first, then continue to Rachel's apartment.
In the cab, Santana asked with her hands: Will you come back later to visit Quinn?
Rachel nodded after a moment. "Yes. I will. I promised her to come back. She wanted me to."
Good. Santana answered and hoped that the two would make progress.