I don't own Glee.

Thank you for the reviews for the last chapter!

Thank you Devin Jaste for our discussions, they help to spark a couple of ideas and thoughts! Great help :-)

Also thanks to Sole's stories for pointing out a couple of things. I'll try to incorporate them.

On we go...

Chapter 54

Rachel opened her apartment door and threw her bag on the kitchen counter. She was so exhausted from the night's events that all she longed for was her bed.

She trudged into the bathroom, quickly brushed her teeth and then slipped into her pajamas. However, when her head touched her pillow, she could not fall asleep. She re-lived the night over and over again in her mind, asking herself why this had to happen and what she was supposed to do.

"Uh," she groaned frustrated. She just wanted to go to sleep instead of riding round after round on her mind's carousel.

Looking at the time on her mobile, she noticed that it was six thirty. After a moment of debating whether to get up or try again on sleep, she moved across the mattress and leaned over the rim of her bed on the other side. Hanging upside down, she eyed the box with Quinn's letter for a moment before she pulled it out and lifted it onto the bed.

Now, that was pathetic.

What would have happened if Quinn had not been admitted to the hospital? Would she have read the letters eventually or would she still have ignored them like a stubborn child? Would she have contacted Quinn one of these days or would she have continued to hide behind her walls and insecurities?

She tried to give herself some honest answers.

No, she would not have taken the box of letters out. She would not have had the courage to contact Quinn. She would not have known how to do it, what to say to make Quinn understand that nothing was the blonde's fault.

Rachel had lashed out in all her anger and pain. She had not even once tried to look back at how much happiness she had received over the past months and that - just like Lauren had said - the good days slowly started to outweigh the bad ones.

However, she had put too much weight rather on the disappointments than on her achievements.

Rachel still raked her brain to find out why she had overreacted so much.

As hard as facing the reality was, it was still better than hiding from it. It was better dealing with it, finding a way how to make it work for her instead of ignoring it completely and then one day being swept away by it, being dragged down deeper than before into another depression.

She had fought too hard over the past months to ever want to go back to such a state of devastation. And she never wanted to hurt someone again as much as she had hurt Quinn.

Slowly she opened the lid of the box and fished out the first letter her hand touched. It was sealed in an envelope with a stamp, but it had never been sent. There were dozens of such letters and Rachel wondered why Quinn never found the courage to send them. Had she been afraid of Rachel's reaction once she received them?

Carefully she slid her finger under the lid and started opening the letter.

Halfway through, she stopped. It felt like she was intruding into a private place.

But she had received the documents from the original sender, so she hoped it was still ok to read them even after everything that had happened. Then again, maybe just because of what happened Quinn would not want her to read them anymore.

After a moment of hesitation, she placed the half opened envelop back into the box. She would ask Quinn about it and get her consent again before she would start reading.

She would ask Quinn about it.

This thought replayed in the former Broadway star's mind several times.

She was going to see Quinn again this afternoon. The circumstances were absolutely disturbing, but whatever the reason why this accident had to happen, it had given both women the chance to reconnect. They would have to see where it led them.

Rachel placed the box at the foot of the bed and lay back onto the pillows. She felt a wave of fatigue wash over her again and this time she managed to let her mind rest and catch a handful of sleep.

… … …

When she woke up it was past noon. Groggily she rubbed her eyes and after a moment of collecting her senses she threw the covers back and walked into the bathroom.

Standing under the hot water that rained on her skin, she felt it wash away the last bit of tiredness. It felt soothing how the warm drops pricked her skin and ran down her back while she bent her head and leaned against the tiles with her hands. She could have stayed like this for hours, doing nothing but feeling the sensation of the droplets hit her skin. It was calming to not think about anything for a brief moment and just to concentrate on something so banal.

A little reluctantly she finally turned off the water and reached for her towel. Her skin was rosy from the warmth and she rubbed herself dry quickly.

After dressing in warm clothes, she made herself a late breakfast and opened her computer. The nurse had said visitors were allowed to get back around four in the afternoon. If everything was fine until then, they might even let Quinn take a short nap during the afternoon. Hopefully she was allowed to do that, Rachel thought. It must be awful not to be allowed to sleep to escape the pain.

Three and a half hours until four. Rachel wasn't sure what she would do with herself until then. She didn't feel like checking or writing e-mails, even though she knew she should tell her dads what had happened. They had called via Skype every day since she was back, but all she could tell them was that nothing had changed and that she tried to get through each day as best as she could. Now that she had finally something to report, she did not feel like calling. It was all too fragile and confusing still.

Just when she wanted to close her computer again, she noticed the call sign from Skype. Clicking on the accept button, Carmen's face filled the screen.

Hey Rachel, she signed.

"Hi Carmen, good to see you! Happy New Year!" Rachel answered signing in parallel, surprised about the call.

Happy New year to you too! Thought I'd give you a short call, we haven't seen each other for so long.

"Yes, that's right. When do the lessons start again? January 6th?"

Yes, though there is not much I can teach you anymore, Rachel. We'll have to see how we schedule the rest of your lessons.

"Oh, really?" Rachel looked disappointed. She had come to like the teacher very much and would miss the regular lessons with her.

Don't look so glum, that doesn't mean we don't get to talk anymore, Carmen smiled. So, how have your holidays been?

Rachel cast her eyes down and played with her fingers. "I… um… ok." She answered lamely.

Carmen studied her for a moment. Then she asked: And why just "um… ok"?

The brunette exhaled slowly and looked to the side. Carmen noticed the tired and sad look in Rachel's eyes when she turned her head back towards her. Something was off. It was a similar look that her pupil had worn when she had gotten to know her. What had happed to switch the light in Rachel's eyes off again? Hopefully Quinn had not broken up with her.

Rachel, spill. What happened, Carmen then asked without any further preamble. I see it in your face that something is wrong, so tell me.

Rachel was not sure if she wanted to bother her teacher with her problems. While she was debating with herself whether to tell Carmen or not, the other woman started signing again.

Ok. You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to. But the way you look makes me worry about you. So maybe it will help talking about it? The black haired teacher suggested.

"I… I broke up with Quinn!" Rachel blurted out. "I… I was cruel and awful to her and … and I just pushed her away! I said so many mean things to her that I… I … I don't think I can ever ask her for forgiveness. And then she had this accident and now I'm even more confused and ashamed and … and... I just don't know what to do!" The memories of Quinn's and her disputes in Lima vividly came back into her mind.

Carmen asked her to start from the beginning to get a better understanding of what had happened and why.

After collecting herself, Rachel slowly told her about their drive to Lima, making up with her dads and the meeting with Shelby and Beth.

When she came to that fateful afternoon at McKinley, it was hard to get the words out. The discussions with Quinn afterwards where not easier to tell, which was not because Rachel did not remember. She remembered every single word they had exchanged. It was just so hard because she didn't feel that kind of anger and pain anymore that had made her say those hateful things.

The pain she felt now was of a different kind.

Carmen raised her hands.

Rachel, I have seen many people of various ages who lost their hearing more or less completely. Every single one of them had set-backs. Some bigger, some smaller. Some even had them after a year or two, when they though that they had finally made peace with their situations.

Carmen lowered her hands and looked at her pupil. When the brunette did not react, she continued.

Rachel, losing your hearing has such a deep impact on your life. That is nothing that you'll be able to accept in a matter of months. It might be easier for someone who can continue in his or her job with some adaptation, but for someone like you in that kind of business adaptations are hardly possible. It will probably take a lot longer to accept and to find a new purpose in life.

Carmen paused for a moment, before she signed the next sentence. She knew that what she was going to say was the hardest part of all to comprehend.

In order to find a new purpose, you will have to let go of your former life. Realizing that will always hurt.

"Yes it does," Rachel whispered.

Seeing your friends from high school, from your former life was just that trigger that made you aware of the fact that you had to let it go. This probably led to that drastic reaction you were experiencing. I can also understand that you pushed Quinn away, because she represents the life you have to say good-bye to. But it is not her life you need to give up or let go. Rachel, you need to distinguish between yourself and others - or Quinn in this case.

Carmen looked softly at Rachel. She knew her words were hard.

Understanding them also meant to realize that you were different and in Rachel's case it was not the kind of "different" she desired.

Rachel always wanted to be and had been different but because of her talent and drive. Now she was different because her body had failed her and pushed her to the sidelines. However, she had a lot going for her still and part of that were the people around her.

The way I have gotten to know Quinn showed me that she is absolutely sincere about you. She loves you dearly and is willing to do as much for you as possible. And she was so surprised that you loved her back. She always had this incredulous look on her face when talking about how you confessed your love to her. She thought she doesn't deserve you, Rachel.

"Oh my god. And now, after everything I told her she probably thinks that she is guilty for my unhappiness. If she still thought she didn't deserve me for whatever reason, I just put oil on the fire. She felt guilty enough already without me accusing her of all the things I told her."

Go back. You said she wanted to see you. Maybe you'll have a chance to talk about all this.

"Yeah." Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose. Then she changed the topic. She couldn't talk about this anymore. At least not with other people. There was just one person she needed to talk to. Really talk to – if this one person let her.

"How were your holidays? Did you enjoy your ski trip?"

Carmen laughed.

Yes, we had great weather and enjoyed the time with our friends and family in the romantic little cottage in the middle of nowhere. The toilet was outside and god, it was soooo cold!

"Uh, I can imagine, sounds lovely," Rachel answered not convinced. Carmen laughed again seeing Rachel's dubious look.

It wasn't so bad, all in all. It gave us a new appreciation of all the luxury we have in our daily life.

Yes, that was exactly what Rachel thought. Once you lose something, you start to see its real value.

"Hm." Was all she could manage.

Carmen studied her for a moment through the computer screen.

What Rachel was feeling and experiencing was not new to her. She had seen many of her pupils lash out in anger at people who loved them most. They felt vulnerable and alone in their silence and often times the person or persons closest to them were the ones who knew most about their loss. Even though they also had to deal with the consequences it was still different. They only saw everything from the outside, hardly ever getting a glimpse behind the scenes of what it really meant to be deaf.

The people closest to you were those who were also the easiest to hurt. People dealing with their loss often tried unconsciously to let others feel the same level of pain, regardless of what consequences.

Carmen hoped that Rachel would understand that it was natural to still feel hurt, alone and lost sometimes, but that she would have to stay strong and find the courage to face those feelings in order to overcome them.

The teacher also hoped that Quinn's love for Rachel was strong enough to conquer their differences and to find forgiveness.

When it did not seem that Rachel wanted to say anything further, Carmen lifted her hands again.

Rachel, you know you are entitled to an interpreter in certain situations? I'm not talking about me helping out, this offer always stands, Rachel. But have you thought of hiring an interpreter when you go out, so Quinn or your other friends would not have to interpret all the time? Besides, a schooled interpreter could give you a very good impression of what is going on around you, better than Quinn and Kurt are able to do just yet. Especially in the early phases of adapting this might help you and your friends to relax a bit more until everyone is more apt at signing.

"I … I remember you told me in the beginning of our classes when we spoke about all the support I should or could get. Somehow it slipped my mind." She thought about the suggestion for a moment, before answering.

This might ease some of your tension, because Quinn would know that you didn't miss out as much. You would be kept in the loop and felt better about Quinn not having to interpret for you the whole time. You don't have to do it all the time, but once in a while it might help you both relax a bit in situations where a lot of people are around.

"You are right. That might be a good idea."

I can give you some contacts if you would like to meet someone and learn more about how this works.

Rachel nodded. "Yes, I would like that."

Then she remembered that she also had the address from Shelby's friend, the speech therapist, with whom she wanted to make an appointment as well.

"Thank you for your help," she then smiled at her teacher. "Sorry for rambling on about my problems."

Carmen smiled. Rachel, that is absolutely ok. This wasn't just a social call, I have to admit. I know that certain events such as Christmas or New Year can be difficult to face in the beginning. I wanted to know how you were. I'm glad that you managed to get along better with your fathers and I'm proud of you for having discussed your problems with them.

"Yeah, I'm also happy about that. At least one thing that went right. Thank you again for listening, Carmen. I mean it."

Your welcome, Rachel. And don't forget how you handled Shelby's and Beth surprise visit at the café. The way you told me, you handled it beautifully and brave. Don't diminish that accomplishment.

Rachel gave a small nod when she saw the imploring eyes of her teacher.

Take care and I'll see you in a week. If you need anything in the meantime, don't hesitate to call me, ok? I mean it too, Rachel.

"Promise, I will," Rachel smiled and gave her teacher a small wave good-bye that the other woman mirrored before they disconnected the call.

Leaning back in her chair, Rachel let out a long breath before she propped her elbows on the table and leaned her head into her hands.

After a moment she got up and wanted to prepare herself another cup of coffee. Thinking about it, she discarded the cold rest of her first one and decided to drink some tea. Her nerves where jittery enough already. She didn't need any caffeine to boost them even further.

What would happen when she got back to the hospital? Would Quinn push her away or did she want to talk? Well, she was probably very tired and the pain must still be intense.

She sat down on the couch with her tea and propped her feet up on the table in front of her. Just when she placed her phone on the cushion next to her, it started vibrating in her hand. Rachel quickly opened the message.

Hi Berry! Quinn asked if she could have her own
PJ for the night and some other clothes she could wear
if they release her tomorrow (hopefully).
I'm gonna drop them of at your flat
around 2.30 on my way to my client so
you can bring 'em to her when you go visit.
You will go visit Quinn, won't you?

S.

Well, there was no way back, was there? Rachel knew that this was probably the only chance she had so try to get it right.

She had to laugh at the last thought.

Her original song 'Get it right' popped into her head and she had to smile at the memory.

No. There was no way back.

Either way, music would always haunt her and with it the pain in her heart knowing she pushed away one thing - or person, rather - that was more precious to her then her own voice.

Yes, Santana, I'll go see Quinn later.

If she still wants me to come, that is, Rachel texted back.

Otherwise she would not have asked
for you to take her clothes with you, right? Santana pointed out logically.

She asked you that, Santana. Does she know
you're dropping her stuff off at my place? Is she ok
with that?

Rachel tried to stop presuming things and rather asked about them, even though she knew Santana would roll her eyes at that question. The expected answer came right back.

Stop playing with words, Rachel and get some
sense into you or Imma smack you, I swear.
But to ease your mind, she will probably send you a
text as well, 'cause she asked me to bring her
stuff to you, knowing I would probably only manage

to come back later in the evening.

Satisfied?

Now Rachel rolled her eyes. Santana was the only person who managed to be her authentic self even through a short text message.

Calm down Santana, I'm not backing out.
See you in a bit.

Good. C u. Was Santana's short reply.

Rachel laid the phone on the couch cushion next to her. Well, apparently Quinn still counted on her to visit. That was good, wasn't it?

"Calm down Rachel. Just take one step at a time. Go there, see how she is and then you both can take it from there", she muttered to herself just as her phone went off again. Curiously she opened the message.

It was from Quinn.

Hello Rachel!
I was wondering if you are still planning
on coming to visit. I would like that very much.
If it is ok with you Santana would drop some
clothes for me off at your place. (Though that is not
the reason why I would be happy to see you!)
Quinn

Rachel felt a small smile creep across her lips while reading the message. Collecting her courage, she texted back:

Hello Quinn, how are you feeling? Santana
told me about the clothes and I'll bring them
with me. I promised I would come back.
So I will :-)
Rachel

Come back-back or just come back to the hospital?

Rachel gasped at the question and was at a loss for words. After a moment she decided to play it save.

What do you mean by 'back-back'?

It took a while before receiving an answer.

Nothing, forget it. Glad to see you later.
Trying to take a nap now. Need my beauty sleep.

Quinn offered her a safe way out of the tricky part of their conversation, but before Rachel could stop herself, her fingers flew across the keys.

You will never need a 'beauty sleep', you know that. :-)

God, had she sent two smilies in that short text conversation already?

After last night, I do, believe me. Had a look in the
mirror this morning…

Quinn's answer made her smile.

Nothing a good rest and time won't cure. Then Rachel repeated her question from earlier.
How are you feeling?

A tiny bit better, though my whole body still
hurts like hell.

Can imagine. …Rachel's fingers hovered over the keyboard then gave herself a push and typed the next sentence.
Quinn, what did you mean by 'back-back'?

She had a good guess, but she wanted to hear it from Quinn. Her heart was beating faster while she waited for an answer. It took longer than before, and when she thought that Quinn had indeed fallen asleep on the other end of the line, the message arrived.

Sorry, I did not want to put you
under pressure. It was a stupid remark. Don't
have my head straight back on, I guess.

Rachel knew what the remark had referred to, even if Quinn did not say it directly, but it was clear what she had hinted at. She sighed. She wished she could go back – back to when everything was still ok, when her life seemed to be on the right track.

She had to face the truth.

And the truth was that she could not go back in time. She and Quinn had to stay in the here and now.

You don't have to apologize, Quinn.
We have lot to talk about. And we should not start with
holding back. Not with little nor with big things.
But you should get better first. Take that nap now!
See you later.
Rachel

… … …

Quinn looked at the text and read it again. This sounded so much like the Rachel she knew. Straight forward and ready to tackle whatever problem stood in her way. What did that mean? Was Rachel really ready to talk about what happened?

Was she, Quinn, ready to talk about what happened as well? Would she really be ready to get back with Rachel after all she had said to her, with all the issues that stood between them?

Quinn knew it would take some time before they both would arrive at being comfortable around each other again. But the big question was if either of them was willing to try, was willing to face the truth and find their way through it.

Quinn felt the fatigue creeping up again and sent a quick 'see you later' back, before she laid her phone down beside her and closed her eyes. However, sleep would not come right away. Behind her closed eye lids Rachel's face appeared over and over again, how she had sat next to her bed, held her hand and looked at her with those big brown eyes.

Quinn hoped she would be able to go home soon and start dealing with their problems, even though a part of her was nervous about how to even begin. It was clear that Rachel had given her the control of how fast she wanted to proceed, depending on her health and heart.

Well, they would just have to wait and see. First came Rachel's visit and everything else they would have to take from there.

With that thought she fell into a restful sleep.

Check out 'Born this way' form rizzlescalzonafic, it's a great story about Quinn and her struggles. It's really well written with great attention to detail!