Ethan wasn't sleeping in the on-call room, neither was he unconscious as Lily had feared as she entered the room. He was curled up on the bed, with his eyes wide open, staring into space expressionlessly. He felt completely numb and his red-ringed eyes showed that he had cried for most of his time in the room.

"Ethan, are you okay?" Lily whispered. He stayed staring straight ahead.

"I don't know. Please stay," he murmured, sounding so wounded and vulnerable that Lily was compelled to stay. She sat on the bed next to him, then on a spur of the moment idea, she lay with him on the bed. She placed one hand on his shoulder. Aware of her comfort, Ethan couldn't stop himself letting out a shuddering sob and Lily stroked his hair in an attempt to comfort him. A complete novice where emotions were concerned, she felt powerless to do anything but let Ethan cry himself out. The sobs racked his body, waves of emotion that crashed through his fragile body. It was a long time before they subsided, leaving Lily free to hug him tightly.

"Take some deep breaths Ethan, it's going to be okay." She helped him to sit up straight and rubbed his back while he leaned down, resting his elbows on his knees. "I'm going to get you two paracetamol, you're going to take them and then we're going to talk about this," Lily said authoritatively, feeling uncomfortable about leaving Ethan by himself.

She met Zoe in the locker room as she felt around inside her locker for a box in paracetamol tablets.

"Did you find him then Lily?" Zoe asked, tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Yes. He's in the on-call room like I thought, but..." Lily wavered.

"But what? Is there something wrong?" Zoe snapped into concern.

"Not exactly. When I found him he was just staring into space, but he's been crying. He started again when I sat with him and I only left when it stopped. It took so long for him to calm down, I don't have any idea what caused it." Lily chewed the inside of her cheek.

"Maybe you were right to be worried," Zoe said, frowning. "Make sure you keep me posted, okay?"

"Of course Dr Hanna. I'm just really concerned, I've never seen anyone fall to pieces like that before."

"Try and stay calm, that's my advice to you. And be a friend, just listen. Let me know if there's anything I can do, or if something needs to be put in place for him." Lily nodded but Zoe could tell what was still playing on her mind. "If Mrs Beauchamp comes looking for you, I'll tell her what's going on, and make sure she doesn't come breathing down her neck." Lily laughed, and returned to the on-call room feeling refreshed.

Ethan accepted two pills and a glass of water. Passing them to him, Lily noticed his hands were cool again.

"Now please, please tell me what's going on. Let me in so I can make it stop," Lily said.

"Oh Lily," Ethan whispered. "I don't think you can. Hilda James -" He stopped, biting his lip hard. He shook his head, but Lily reached out and took one of his hands in hers.

"It's okay. Just say it, and we can help you. But you need to know that Zoe knows we're here and she's offered her help if you need it." Ethan nodded , taking a deep breath to push down his emotions.

"Hilda James presented identical pre-existing conditions to my mother. I couldn't deal with being faced with that, I just couldn't do it. I'd be a terrible doctor if I tried to treat her. I had to give her an even chance and I knew it wouldn't happen if I was involved in her care. Why am I such a terrible doctor?" All of his efforts to push back his emotions suddenly failed, his shoulders shaking as he rocked backwards. Almost instinctively, Lily pulled him into a hug, holding his head to her chest, holding him steady and hoping she could hold him together a little longer.

"Ethan, don't you dare tell yourself you're anything less than a brilliant doctor. You need to accept your grief because when you do you can close the box on it and leave it behind. You didn't fail Hilda James, you've never failed a single patient and you've got absolutely no right to believe you ever will. You can get over this, and you will, because I'll be here for you. I can help you, or get help for you, but you have to promise me you'll start believing you can do this."

Ethan looked a little stunned, it was rare for Lily to say so much in one go. He looked straight into her brown eyes and saw only comfort staring back at him. And then a flash, a sparkle, that showed maybe they did feel the same way. Nearly calm, Ethan managed to voice his biggest worry.

"What if I forget her? What if I wake up one day and she isn't there?"

"She will always be with you Ethan, never forget that. She lives on in the things you remember and the way you honour her memories. I never met her but I will find a way to help you remember. You will get through this Ethan. I will always be here," she stressed.

"Someone really ought to tell Dr Chao that her bedside manner is amazing." Ethan smiled weakly. Lily was surprised but not unhappy when he pressed his lips against hers. They were soft and warm and tasted of tears. Knowing it was her best opportunity, when they pulled apart she closed her eyes and took a breath.

"I love you Ethan, I really do."

"I love you too."

After a while sitting in silence, Lily stood up.

"I need to go back to work, Zoe will ask and I'm going to tell her what's happened," she said.

"Hopefully not everything," Ethan grinned, his eyes sparkling.

"Perhaps not. And in the meantime, you need to go home, you're not fit to be out there, treating patients."

"No, I'm okay now, I'll be fine." Ethan paused, wondering whether Lily would dispute his judgement. Trusting him, she didn't. "Lily? I wasn't joking about your bedside manner, it was completely unrivalled, unless you compare yourself to... I don't know, maybe Charlie?"

"Leave Charlie out of this, he's worked in this place forever!" Lily argued, laughing.

"Sorry," he said. "I have a sneaking suspicion that perhaps that wasn't Dr Chao talking though. Maybe it was just Lily."

She sighed. "What's your point?"

"My point is, if you were like that with the patients you'd have Connie eating out of your hand."

Lily brushed a kiss across his forehead before heading back to the ED, struggling to hide the happy glow erupting from inside her.