I don't own Glee or the characters, but this stoyline and any other characters are mine.

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Chapter 56

Later, on her way home from the hospital, Rachel recalled the moment when she had helped Quinn getting dressed. Her wrist still tingled where she had accidently touched Quinn's breast with. Subconsciously she rubbed it with her thumb; as if she could brush the memory away, but the more she focused on it them more the pictures came back. She shuddered and felt an involuntary moan escape her lips.

Quickly, she looked up to see if anybody sitting near her on the subway train had heard, but the other few passengers did not even look her way.

God, she had to stop this. It was one point to listen to her heart, but it was another if her body also threw in his opinion. She was short of losing all rational.

Trying to distract herself, she thought about her second talk with the nurse from the night shift in the emergency room. Rachel had decided to check if she was working when she left Quinn and as luck would have it, Kayla Johnson was on duty again.

Rachel had walked up to her to thank her again for her help during the night.

"Hello Ms. Johns…"

Remembering that the nurse had asked them to not be called by her surname, Rachel addressed her by her first name.

"Hello Kayla."

The nurse looked up from her paperwork and recognizing who stood in front of her, she smiled.

"Hi!"

"I just wanted to thank you again for your help yesterday. You were very considerate and helped me not to lose my mind."

The other woman held up a finger, grabbed a paper and wrote a note that she handed to Rachel.

You're welcome. How is your friend?

"She is in pain, can hardly move, but other than that she is doing fine! Maybe they'll let her go home tomorrow."

That is great. Have you found your other friend as well?

Rachel nodded. "Yes, she came to visit last night as well when Quinn was already upstairs."

I'm glad that everything is ok.

"Yes, me too. Well, I don't want to disturb you any further; through it still seems very quiet for an emergency center."

Kayla shrugged and wrote down her answer again. Yes, sometimes we have a lull and then it picks up at double speed. Always feels like the calm before the storm. She smiled.

"I hope the storm won't be too bad then," Rachel smiled back. "Have a good start into the year."

Thank you, you, too!

Rachel lifted her hand and waved shortly. Kayla responded likewise and the brunette turned towards the exit. A moment later she felt a hand on her arm.

Looking around she found the blonde woman with the blue eyes beckoning her to wait. The nurse quickly walked back to her desk and standing next to it bent over to write something down again.

The former singer stood curiously to the side and waited patiently until she handed her the note.

I usually don't do that, but can I ask you a personal question?

Rachel frowned slightly. "Sure."

Kayla took a little longer to write down what she wanted to know. Rachel wondered what this was about. Finally the nurse gave her the paper.

I hope I'm not too insensitive with this, but I saw you on Broadway some time ago.

Well, that confirmed what Rachel had seen the night before when she told Kayla her and Quinn's name. The nurse had recognized them, but had acted very professionally about it. She wondered why she addressed this topic now. Somehow, it did not really disturb her, she was just curious about what the other woman wanted to know.

Rachel almost had to smile when she realized that within a few short days, the same subject came up again and again. Apparently the more she tried to hide from it, the more it pushed itself into her life again. Resistance seemed futile.

She read on. Kayla was clearly unsure if she was overstepping a boundary here.

I'm not sure if this is appropriate to ask or to address the topic, so tell me if I'm over the line here, ok?

Rachel looked up. "No, it's ok," she said quietly, having a good idea what the next query was about.

Kayla slowly wrote down her next question.

Have you lost your hearing recently?

"Yes. I was in an accident in March last year." Rachel was still wondering what this was leading up to, she had the feeling that this was not the actual question Kayla wanted to ask.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Kayla hesitated. Apparently she was still debating whether to ask what was actually on her mind.

"Was that the question you wanted to ask me?"

Kayla shook her head and Rachel smiled encouragingly. The woman had supported her last night when she was in desperate need of help, so the least she could do was give the nurse the chance to tell her whatever was on her mind.

I have a friend who teaches at the school for the deaf. She was going to take the kids to a Broadway show and before doing that she was looking for someone who could tell the kids a little bit about it. I know it might sound strange that she wants to take kids who can't hear to a musical, but she believes that in the right setting it still could be a good experience for them.

I was wondering if you were willing to talk to them about your experience of working on Broadway and how setting up a show works etc.? I can understand if the topic might be too sensitive for you and that you may not want to do it. It was just an idea I had.

Rachel stared at the sheet of paper longer than necessary. She had to swallow a couple of times and then took a deep breath before she looked up.

Kayla placed a hand on her fore arm and shook her head. Rachel read the words I'm sorry from her lips and the nurse made a dismissive gesture with her other hand. She was clearly apologizing for her words, telling Rachel to forget about it. The blonde reached out to take the paper back, but Rachel tried to re-assure her.

"No. I… you don't have to apologize. It's ok. I… uh… I'm just a little overwhelmed at your request, that's all."

Quickly Kayla took the pen up again.

You don't have to do it if you're not comfortable.

Rachel smiled wistfully. "You know, I have firsthand experience on how it is to watch a Broadway show being deaf. I visited Quinn's show once and it was quite an… interesting experience, to say the least," she explained, thinking back to that evening.

"Really?" The blonde woman was astonished.

Rachel nodded and smiled.

Kayla held up a hand and then made the instinctual sign for phone, placing her hand next to her ear, thumb and pinky extended "Phone," she mouthed. Then she held up a finger to ask Rachel to wait a moment.

The brunette looked back at the words in her hands. To speak about her experience on Broadway to deaf kids was nothing she had ever envisioned herself to do. She was glad Kayla was distracted by the phone call, because it gave her a moment to let this idea sink in.

Looking at it objectively, she was the perfect person to do this. She was a singer and knew Broadway by heart. She knew what went on behind the curtain and how it felt to stand on stage in front of the audience eight times a week.

She also knew what it meant to be deaf. That she had visited Quinn's show was something that could also help her to tell those kids how they could experience such an event and how to make it as interesting as possible for them. And maybe they could also talk to the actors before or after the show to get a real insight and a look behind the scenes.

With her knowledge and experience she could make the visit to the show for the kids really worthwhile.

The more she thought about it, the more she warmed up to the idea. She already had a show in mind, which was quite obvious but… well, there were some other issues she needed to take care of first.

She would have to ask her heart if she could really do it, because if she committed to it, it would not do to break down in the middle of it. Either she had to do it wholeheartedly or not at all. She had to be fair to the kids and to herself.

This would be a complete one hundred eighty turn from her behavior, feelings and thoughts just a couple of days ago. It was overwhelming to spin around so fast and Rachel was not sure how she should deal with that.

It was as if she did not know herself anymore.

Then it dawned on her.

Again, her heart knew all along what was right. It was just that her mind that had such difficulties to let go. The harder she tried to hold on to something, the harder and more difficult life became.

Carmen's words came back to her. You have to let go.

Maybe – if she managed to let go - she was then ready for a new start. But it was scary not knowing if such an outbreak of emotions would happen again, leaving her without control over the situation and over herself.

Kayla finished her call and stood up, smiling at Rachel with a mixture between apology and hopefulness.

Rachel let out a breath. "Kayla, I appreciate your idea and I can understand why you asked me to do it. I worked on Broadway a couple of years and I even went to watch a show… after my accident. I hadn't expected it at that time, but in the end, it truly was a positive experience for me. Mainly because I had a … personal connection to it," she smiled and pointed upwards.

Kayla nodded, understanding the reference to Quinn Fabray.

"And I know that with the right planning and preparation these kids could have a wonderful experience as well." She looked down for a moment, collecting her thoughts.

"I'll be honest with you. I'm still struggling with the whole topic. It doesn't mean that I don't want to do it, I just need to be sure that I can pull it through and not break down in front of the whole class crying when talking about my former life."

Kayla inclined her head and wrote a comment. I can totally understand that Rachel! I don't want to pressure you and it is fine if you decline.

"Do you know when your friend has planned the visit?"

No, it was an idea she told me a couple of days ago. She hasn't planned anything yet, so take your time.

"How old are the kids?"

They are in second grade, so eight or nine.

That was around Beth's age. Thinking of Beth, another idea came into her head. She felt really bad that she had spoiled their Christmas dinner by her rash behavior and Beth had been so excited to see her again. She had not even apologized to Shelby and the girl. That was something, she definitely had to do. She had really enjoyed the talk with the ten year old and it would be glad to see her again. And Shelby of course.

Before she knew it, some part in her was already putting a frame to this whole idea with the kids and a visit from Beth.

She had to stop before it galloped off without the rest of her being able to follow. She needed her whole being to be present and not just a part of her, if that was what she was going to do.

"Give me some time to think about it, ok?"

Of course! And thank you for taking the time considering it.

Rachel nodded. "Maybe I can give back some of the kindness you showed me yesterday. How can I best reach you?"

I can give you my phone number and whenever you have made a decision or if you have any further questions, just text me. Would that work for you?

"Yes, that's fine."

Kayla noted down her mobile number and added after a moment of hesitation: I think that you are a great actress and singer. I really loved you on stage.

"Thank you." Rachel was touched by the kind words. "Talk to you soon." After a second she added: "Thank you for asking me about this," she waved the paper where Kayla had written down her idea.

Kayla smiled and nodded. Rachel turned and walked through the emergency center doors outside.

Funny, how quickly life can change, she thought again. Just twenty-four hours ago she had rushed through these doors in panic and worry, now she walked through them with her heart filled with hope.

She wondered how life seemed wanting to show her which way to go and how she was too blind to see it. Over and over it presented her with possibilities and if she opened her heart and put her mind and worries to rest, if she opened up to the adventure, it would probably be much easier for her than fighting and struggling against it all the time. She had experienced what the outcome of all this fighting had been and it wasn't pretty.

Instead of embracing the good parts about life, she had focused only on the bad.

She had focused on the lack of sensitivity of her Glee Club friends instead of the consideration they tried to show with signing Imagine. She still would not have been able to enjoy the day as much as if she had her hearing intact, but it would have been up to her as well to contribute and to make her day worthwhile and happy.

She herself had to work on making her life fulfilling. She could not expect others to serve it to her on a golden plate.

Rachel placed a hand on her forehead when this realization washed over her again. In the lobby of the hospital she sat down onto one of the chairs and let this thought sink in.

Yes, she had to take up responsibility for her life again. The universe had just given her another wonderful chance to do so.

Even though she knew she would never perform on stage again, there was something about the idea with the kids that could help her to find closure. Yet, at the same time it could be a fresh beginning that pointed her in a new direction.

Slowly but surely she felt something she had not felt for a long time when thinking of Broadway.

Excitement.

And not just pain.

… … …

Later that evening she received a message from Quinn, telling her that she most probably would be able to go home the next day. It still depended on how the night was going to be, but no one expected complications.

Quickly she typed her answer.

Quinn, that's great!
Do you already know what time they'll let you leave?

The answer came back right away.

No, probably the late morning
after the doc made his round.

Rachel held on to her offer to help Quinn get home.

How about I'll come around ten and then we can
see how we get you home. How are you feeling today?

It took a while longer until there was an answer to her question. Rachel wondered if she had overstepped her boundaries. Maybe Quinn had changed her mind about her coming to pick her up.

Or Quinn just had a visit from the nurse or a call or a visit from Santana or something else, she tried to calm herself.

When the message finally came, Rachel was relieved. After reading it, she wondered how she was ever going to survive this rollercoaster of emotions that spun her around her own axis in just a few days. She was sure she was not going to survive it if another crash came. And she knew Quinn would not survive it either if she treated her like that again.

So she could understand that Quinn was hesitant.

Rachel, I really don't want to impose. I'll be
fine getting back home by myself. It's not
like I'm dying, so you don't really have to
come.

Rachel fiddled with her phone while she thought about how to answer that.

… … …

Quinn laid the phone down again.

Typing was a little difficult, especially since she couldn't hold the phone like she was used to – with both hands to type with her thumbs.

She was so confused.

One minute her heart jumped at the thought of Rachel wanting to reconnect with her, the next she felt the fear that this was just temporary. She was afraid that as soon as she was better, Rachel would leave her again.

Just when she thought she could not stand it anymore, Santana's head appeared in the door.

"Hey soldier, you up for a visit?"

"Hey Santana, you're just coming at the right time."

"Uh, I'll save my snarky remark for later. Whassup? And how're you feeling, by the way?"

"Better, thanks. It still hurts like hell, but as long as I don't move or breathe, everything is fine."

"Yeah, right. Liar." Santana pointed at Quinn and lifted an eyebrow. "So. What's going on? I see you're wearing your own PJs, so Miss Berry did indeed drop by. Did she help you get dressed?"

Quinn felt Rachel's wrist on her breast again and quickly lowered her gaze.

"Gee, really?" Santana snorted. "Hope the nurse didn't disturb you two lovebirds."

Finally, Quinn found her voice again. "Shut up, Santana. Nothing happened; she just helped me getting dressed, because I still can't move much."

Santana lifted her hands, palms facing forward. "Ok, ok. No offense! Now really, Quinn, how are you?"

"Don't know, honestly. I'm more confused than ever. I don't know what to feel or think or believe any more."

"Why, what happened?"

"Nothing. I mean, Rachel came to visit and we discussed some things. Necessary things. But it feels so strange between us. So different. And yet so familiar. I feel torn between just wanting to hug her and beg her to come back and on the other side I'm still so cautions, because I know that I won't survive another break-up. I need to understand what happened and why first."

Santana nodded. "Yeah, I get that. You need to learn to trust each other again. And that will take time. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Quinn shook her head. "No. This is something that Rachel and I have to work out. But the thing is, I'm not sure if she is just here for a moment, you know, feeling obligated to come and help or if she truly wants to be here."

Santana looked at her friend for a moment, before she spoke. "You know, Quinn, maybe it helps if you put yourself into her shoes for a moment. Think back to the beginning, when you two met each other at the community center. Rachel needed a long time to really believe you meant what you said. She had the same thoughts like you're having now. That you somehow felt obligated to be with her. And no matter how many times you told her that it was your free will and wish to be with Rachel, it was still difficulty to believe for her."

"Yeah, it still is, sometimes."

"Yes, because she is still in the process of trying to adapt and to accept and to love herself again. I have never seen a person who was so at ease with herself. All this confidence has been taken away from her through that accident and its consequences. This is why she keeps questioning herself and others all the time." Santana placed a hand on Quinn's. "I don't have a recipe for you or for her how to mend this whole situation, except that you should tell her all these things you're telling me."

Quinn sighed. "I know. But in order to tell Rachel, I need to know first how I feel and what I want."

"Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Have to decide everything right now? Why don't you just wait and see how things develop between you and Rachel and how your heart responds to that?"

Quinn guffawed. "My heart? Judging by my heart I'd be already lost."

"Quinn, don't put yourself under such pressure. You can't predict the outcome of this. The only thing you can do is stay honest with yourself and with Rachel."

"Easier said than done."

"Why?"

"Because I'm afraid to lose her!" Quinn exclaimed. "She was here last night and this afternoon and I'm hopelessly lost. My heart is lost. And I'm afraid if I tell her everything, she'll turn away again. Obviously, I was no good at seeing her desperation before!"

Santana sighed. "Quinn, look. This whole situation will not change, if you don't speak from your heart. I can understand your fear. But fear always lets us act in the wrong way when we let ourselves be controlled by it. It is okay to be afraid, but don't let it rule your whole actions. You said you needed to understand Rachel's reactions. You want some honest answers from her. And you should grant her the same. Nothing else will work."

"How do you know?" Quinn asked quietly.

"Because I lived through this whole ordeal more than once. And every time I started assuming things, I was 100% wrong. Every time I started feeling and talking about it, listening to my heart, Britt and I had the best talks and discussions. And these kind of talks brought us forward. Unfortunately we didn't manage to skip the old habit of assuming and always started back at square one." Santana was silent for a moment.

Then she looked up again and met Quinn's eyes. "I don't want that for you. What I have seen between you and Rachel was something so amazing that … it really made me believe in love again. In the real unconditional love that can overcome any obstacles. And…" She looked to the side for a moment to collect herself.

If Quinn had not known it better, she would have thought to see tears shimmer in her friend's eyes. She had rarely seen Santana cry. It surprised her and she wondered where this outburst of emotion came from.

The Latina sniffed and smiled embarrassed. "Wow. I never thought you and the midget would move me to tears. Fuck." She wiped a tear away. "Guess it was a long night. Anyway, I was saying… don't let you fear get bigger than your love. Fear will never get you anywhere. It will only hold you back."

Both women were silent for a long while.

Finally Santana spoke again, back to her old bitchy self. "So, enough of auntie Santana's ramblings. Do you know when they'll kick you out?"

Quinn nodded. "Probably tomorrow morning."

"Oh, that's sooner than I thought, but good! Oh wait, how will you get home? I have to work tomorrow, damn."

"Yeah, I know. I… well, Rachel offered to pick me up." The blonde finally offered.

Santana picked up on the hesitant tone. "And?" She prompted the blonde.

"Nothing 'and'. She asked what time she should be here."

"Aaaand?"

Quinn shrugged again, ignoring the pain and did not look at her friend. "I told her that I wasn't sure any more if she should come and that I could get home by myself."

She half expected Santana to ask her if she was insane, but the Latina stayed silent. Quinn hated it when she did that. Santana always knew when Quinn needed to work things out by herself, finding the right answer on her own. And the Latina always – always knew when to sit it out and wait.

Finally, the blonde spoke again. "Maybe I should text her again. Maybe she really meant it when she said that she would like to help me."

Santana only raised an eyebrow and nodded barely noticeable. "If you also want her help, then I think you should send her another text. I mean, I don't know what you wrote in the first one, but it wasn't something encouraging for her, apparently."

"No. It wasn't."

"Ok, close your eyes and try to find out how you feel when thinking about Rachel picking you up tomorrow. Are you more afraid or more happy? What do you feel?"

"The thought makes me want to smile a little bit."

"Good. Then I guess you have your answer. Go write that text now. And remember, you can always continue to sort things out with Rachel later when you are at home. Just be honest."

"Sorry to be so complicated," Quinn apologized.

Santana slapped her playfully on her good shoulder and Quinn winced. "Stop that, Q. I'm gonna leave you now and you write that message to Berry. Just in case – and I mean only if there is no other solution, let me know if you need me to take you home tomorrow. But I hope that won't be necessary."

Quinn smiled. "No. And judging from the way you're treating me, I'm not up for more slaps and maltreatment. But thanks for the offer."

"Ya welcome!" Santana smiled and got up. "Q, seriously, I'm glad you're ok and I believe you can work it out. And once you're able to move a bit better, you and I are gonna go on a little experience trip."

"A what?"

"You heard me, Q. Just wait and see."

"Uh oh, maybe I'll stay here after all."

"Nope. You're not gonna get out of this one, captain." She bent over Quinn and gave her a very light hug.

"See you tomorrow! And call me if you need anything. I'm always glad for a distraction from those whiny corporate asses."

Quinn laughed. "They are too, probably. Thank you for stopping by and packing my things. And for giving me that prep talk."

"That's what friends are for." Santana gave a short wave and then slipped through the door.

After a moment, Quinn picked up her phone. She had not noticed that another message had arrived in the meantime.

Quinn, I don't know how to convince you
that I mean it. But I understand your doubts
and your fear of me acting irrationally again. I
can understand that so much. My offer still stands.

Quinn gave herself a push and wrote back.

Thank you. I'm honestly sorry about my doubts and
insecurities. I guess it will take a while before I can
lay them aside. I'm grateful for your help and I'd be glad
to see you around ten tomorrow.

… … …

Rachel felt a little lighter after receiving Quinn's late but positive response. Even though she appreciated her honesty, seeing how much she had hurt the person she loved and how long the scars would probably show on both their hearts felt like a small stab into her chest.

She wondered if that was like Quinn had felt every time she had doubted her.

Quickly she drafted her response.

Then I will see you tomorrow!
Have a good night's rest and get better.
Rachel

This was not going to be easy. They needed to establish a basis of trust again; otherwise they would dance around each other like scared chicken.

… … …

The next morning Rachel knocked on Quinn's half open door and poked her head around the frame. Quinn had texted her earlier that she was allowed to go home if someone stayed with her for the next forty-eight hours, just to make sure she was all right. Santana had willingly offered to cover the time, except for the hours she had to work. As she was still relatively new on the job and had already used some vacation days, she was not able to stay at home for the full two days.

The Latina had not hesitated to send Rachel a text in the evening to ask if she could cover during the time when she was at work. Rachel had agreed, but only under the premises that Quinn was ok with that.

Santana had called her roommate and discussed the issue with her.

Quinn was hesitant at first, but then agreed. However, she intended to speak to Rachel about that in person. So when the brunette's head appeared in the door frame, Quinn was glad to see her, but was also nervous. She felt like she was on a first date, when two people know they are attracted to each other but have no idea how much and what the next step would be.

"Hey," Rachel greeted the blonde smiling.

Quinn sat on her bed, already dressed in the clothes that Rachel had brought her the day. She looked up and caught Rachel's gaze. A smile lit up her face and made Rachel feel all warm inside.

The blonde lifted her right arm slightly and waved.

Rachel walked closer. "So, how are you feeling?"

Ok, Quinn signed with her right hand. She still couldn't lift it very high, but the highly dosed pain killers they had given her, made breathing and moving a little bit easier, especially for the ride home.

"Did you get dressed by yourself?" Rachel asked surprised

Quinn shook her head. The nurse helped me.

"Was it very painful?" Rachel remembered the ordeal from the night before.

I have had better experiences. Rachel, I wanted to ask you something.

Rachel patiently followed the slow progress of Quinn's hand. It took a while until she finished each sentence, sometimes pausing in between.

Santana told me that you agreed to spend the time at the apartment with me when she is working. I know we have had the same discussion with you picking me up and me not being sure if you really wanted to do that.

"Yes. Are you uncomfortable with this?"

Quinn shook her head. No. But again I'm not sure if you really want to do that. I'm sorry if I keep dancing around the same topic.

"That's ok. I can understand you. How about if we get you home first and then discuss how we can arrange everything over the next days?"

Quinn was eager to leave that place and get to her place. Fine. Let's go.

The latter was easier said than done. Quinn had already signed the papers before Rachel came so they were free to leave, but it took Quinn more than twice the normal time to get to the elevator. She had absolutely refused to sit in that wheelchair. Hospital policies be damned. Every step seemed to intensify the pain in her ribs. She needed to stop in between to catch her breath.

Rachel patiently walked beside her carrying Quinn's belongings.

In the elevator Rachel pushed the button for the basement parking garage. Quinn looked confused.

Taxis are outside.

"Yes I know. But I figured it might be a bit difficult for you to squeeze yourself into a cab. Puck was so nice to let me have one of his cars for today. Then we can go at our own speed and you can find a somewhat comfortable position to sit – or lay in."

Quinn was surprised. She had envisioned herself in the backseat of a yellow cab, biting her tongue in order to not shout out in pain as the cab driver took yet another curve a little too fast or if he was slamming the breaks too hard…

Rachel's consideration made her feel warm inside all over.

When did you speak to Puck?

It was difficult to sign, but having to other means Quinn tried nonetheless, making sure she made her lip movements clearly visible as well for Rachel.

"I texted him yesterday. And he … gave me a ride home from Lima. We … managed to re-connect a bit." Rachel sighed. Then explained further. "He was one of the persons I shut out of my life as well over the past months." Guilt filled her and she looked to the ground when she felt Quinn's hand on hers. Rachel closed her eyes and concentrated on the touch spreading warmth through her skin.

A little tug begged for her attention.

Quinn produced a small smile. We will work things out, I'm sure we will.

The elevator stopped and Rachel asked Quinn to wait for her to bring the car around. She quickly paid the ticket and then drove up and stopped next to the blonde. Carefully she helped the singer lower herself into the passenger seat.

Quinn had to bite her tongue several times when certain movements reminded her of her still smarting ribs.

"Fuck." She couldn't contain it when she finally leaned back and took a deep breath.

Rachel quickly walked around and slid behind the wheel. Good thing Quinn had a parking space below her building as well.

… … …

Quinn decided she had seen enough of a bed for the past two days and placed herself on the couch.

When she was settled with a cup of tea in her hand Rachel stood next to the couch table, feeling self-conscious again all of a sudden.

I've never asked, but how was driving for you the first time after the accident?

Rachel thought back. "It was strange. I mean there was no reason why I wouldn't be able to drive and usually sitting in a car you don't hear much of what is going on outside anyway, I thought. But then I realized that there are still a lot of sounds that subconsciously helps to orientate yourself. The sound of your motor, honking of other cars, if you have the window open you hear people, the other cars drive by, all kinds of sounds. They are just small things, but it makes the experience whole, somehow."

Did you take lessons?

Rachel shook her head. "No. Not really. I mean I can drive, so there was no need to re-qualify."

Sorry, that's not what I meant. Quinn smiled apologetically. I meant, just to get used… to it all, not because I doubted your ability to drive.

"Oh. Well, yes, Carmen took me on two rides. She explained to me what to look out for and how to compensate a bit more. It wasn't really difficult, as I've said, you don't hear that much while driving anyway, especially if you have the radio on full blast, singing along at the top of your lungs," she finished with a sheepish smile. "I used to to that a lot."

Quinn laughed quietly. I can imagine.

They were silent for a moment, both a little nervous. Now what?

Rachel fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. "Are you tired? Do you want to rest for a while? Are you comfortable enough? If you want more pillows I can get some. Or are you hungry, do you want to eat something? I can make something if you…"

Quinn shook her head and made a movement with her hand downwards. Calm down, Rachel, I'm fine.

"Sorry. I'm just… nervous, I guess." Rachel admitted and plopped down on the edge of the coffee table, halfway facing Quinn.

The blond let her eyes rake over Rachel's face and soaked in her features. The beautiful eyes with the dark, long lashes, the full lips, the soft skin. She could understand how Rachel felt. Quinn was a little nervous herself. Now that all the "action" was over, they both new they would have to lay the rest of the cards on the table.

Quinn hated that she was not able to sign as fluently as she wanted to. For such an important discussion she wanted to be able to express herself freely, and she wanted Rachel to understand her completely, not having to half guess her signs and half read her lips in addition. She carefully took her left arm out of her sling.

Thank you for taking me home, she managed to sign slowly. I… am grateful that you put your own pain aside to help me. I know that it was – still is – not easy for you to be here.

"You're welcome," Rachel smiled shyly. "It must not be easy for you either having me here with you after all what happened."

I … I'll be honest. Part of me is happy to see you, to see that you care, that you are worried about me. But there is still another part that is afraid. Afraid you will turn away again, and I'm not sure I can face that. So I'm thinking of sending you away right now, that would give me the control, before I let my heart in and … Quinn lowered her hands and did not finish the sentence.

"Yes, I understand that," Rachel said in a small voice.

But I know sending you away will not solve our problems, Quinn continued.They will not just magically disappear. I… I keep hoping we will find a way to get through this, but I don't want to just get back together and end up in half a year exactly where we are now. I would not be able to go through this again, Rachel.

Rachel looked at Quinn and felt her heart beat in fear. What was Quinn telling her? Did she not want to get back together with her? Was she too afraid Rachel would hurt her again?

She felt a hand on hers.

Rachel, I'm not saying I don't want to give us another chance. I love you so much that I would be a fool to deny us a life together. But I need to know that I can trust you. I need to know that you trust me the same.

You said you needed time to work things out. Especially the issue about not wanting to deal with anything music related. I … I'm not sure that you managed to deal with this in this short time. And I've said it before, had this accident not happened I don't believe you would have contacted me anytime soon, would you? Quinn looked up with her hazel eyes and Rachel saw the doubts being reflected there.

"We both have to learn to trust each other again Quinn. If we cannot do that, then we don't stand a chance from the beginning. I guess we both have to be convinced that we can give each other this trust. I understand that because of my behavior over the last days you're still hurting. But I have to grant you the same trust. You turned on me once before, even though it was years ago. How will I know that it might not happen again? How will I know that next time you will not have any major issues with my deafness?"

Quinn inclined her head slightly, showing Rachel that she also understood her point.

"I still have to come to terms with it my own actions completely, I have to admit that. But as horrible as the past days were also for me, I have learned and understood a few things about me."

What? I mean, I still don't understand what made you flip in the first place, Rachel. One minute you seemed so brave and strong and the next you ripped our whole lives apart.

Rachel sighed. It was difficult to explain, since she only herself had gotten to understand her own actions just now. She lifted her hands and signed in parallel to her words again. It helped her to focus.

"You know, it had been building below the surface, this feeling of… " she searched for the adequate word and wiggled her fingers, as if she could grab it out of the air. "…exhaustion. Mental exhaustion. I have learned so much over the past months and every time I made a new experience that showed me I could get through things, it was one step closer to a "normal" life. But every time I also realized that it would never be as normal as before. It would be a new normal. Something I would need to define for myself. But this new normal is nothing I know, it's something I need to figure out. And the only comparison I have is the life I knew before the accident. I'm not sure you can follow…"

Yes I can.

"I always tried to get back to the life I had, but just when we were at the meeting in that choir room, it hit me in the face that however much I would struggle, I'd never get there again. I knew it before, in my mind, in my head, but somehow it really seemed to settle in then. I needed all the experiences from before, visiting your concert, your show on Broadway etc. to get to that point. It was important for me to learn through these experiences, but there in Lima I somehow finally connected all the dots and singing with you guys – or rather signing with you – was just the last drop to get my barrel to overflow. The realization swept me away completely."

Rachel had gotten up and started pacing the floor. When she passed the couch again, Quinn leaned forward and grabbed her hand to stop the nervous wanderings. She groaned in the process. Rash movements were not in her activity plan yet. But she pushed the pain aside, there were more important things to focus on.

Rachel looked at Quinn's hand, not daring to meet her eyes. Again, as before, Quinn tugged at her fingers to get the brunette to look up. When she finally did, Quinn saw shame clouding those beautiful eyes. She let go of Rachel's hand, hating to lose the physical connection. It felt so good to hold this hand in hers. If that was how much they would allow themselves to progress, she did not want to miss out on it. But she needed her hand to talk to Rachel. She hoped the strong pain killers would last a little, so she could use her right arm a little longer.

How are you feeling now? She simply asked.

Rachel shrugged. "Relieved. I am relieved that I finally understood what made me snap."

How did you realize that?

Rachel breathed a little smile and looked around the room. Then she settled her gaze back on Quinn. "I had some good talks with a few people. They intentionally and unintentionally managed to set me straight."

Was one of them Lauren?

"Yes, it was." Rachel took a deep breath to go on explaining, but Quinn interrupted her by signing.

She gave you the credibility we all couldn't, she stated simply.

Rachel pressed her lips together and nodded slightly. "I know you don't like her much, but she told me that what I was searching for could never be found where I was looking for it. That there would never be a place where I could completely hide from all the pain and loss. To keep it short, she said I had to suck it up and face it. She honestly told me that even after three years it was still hard for her to not being able to listen to music." Rachel tugged a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"It wasn't what I wanted to hear from her, but I'm glad she didn't sugarcoat things. The way she was so honest with me made me realize that I also had to be honest with myself and that I couldn't run or hide anymore."

Rachel, I never said I didn't like Lauren. I liked her from the beginning and now I think I respect her even more for having been there for you, even though you knew each other just such a short time. The problem I had was that we never talked about what it meant for you having a deaf friend. I was jealous and scared. I was scared that she could give you something that I couldn't – the experience to be deaf.

Quinn remembered that they had touched upon that topic already in Lima, but with the emotions flying high that day, she was glad she could address her feelings again more calmly.

I knew that sooner or later you would get in contact with other deaf people. And I was afraid that … that you would then shut me out. That you would think deaf people could give you so much more. And yes, in a way I feared that you would turn from all of us, because we can still hear. I gave this fear so much energy and then it became true somehow when you told me that you wanted to get away from everything, from the whole hearing world.

"Oh Quinn!" Rachel slid off the coffee table and knelt in front of Quinn.

"It was important for me to get to know Lauren and Kara. It was a wonderful experience to speak to someone who was like me. For the first time I did not have the feeling someone had to bend over to accommodate me. Don't get me wrong, I am still so grateful what you, Kurt and Santana are doing for me." She took a breath before she continued.

"I got to know some of Lauren's friends as well and it was nice to experience being around deaf people for a while. And I would very much like for you to meet them, Quinn. I want you to get to know that part of my life… if you want to." Rachel smiled. "But all this time I realized as well that my heart belonged to you, hearing or not. Real love does not need words to be said or heard. It can be felt. And all through these last days I felt so lost without you."

Quinn reached out and touched Rachel's cheek, slowly letting her thumb glide over the smooth skin.

I'd be happy to meet you new friends, Rachel. She stated with a smile while a tear dipped over the rim of her eyes. I'm glad you don't want to keep that part for yourself.

Rachel shook her head. "No!" She sighed. "I'm hoping to integrate both worlds into my live. The hearing one and the silent one." Then she smiled. "And the loved one, as well."

Quinn laughed a little through the tears and Rachel leaned into the soft touch.

Oh, Resistance is futile, I have to watch some old Voyager episodes again with Janeway and Seven, sigh! That subtext…. "stardate today, Janeway beams abord the Delta Flyer and asks Seven to come home." That LOOK! Double *sigh*. Sorry, got carried away. (In case you're interested, it's the Voyager Conspiracy episode of season 6.)