Chapter four

Christian decides that the best course of action is to pretend he doesn't notice Ana's reaction. Not even he is comfortable discussing his sex-life at this point.

"I mean", he continues in a neutral tone of voice, "I am seeing somebody, but it's not that serious."

"You're not in love?" Ana blurts out, and in an instant her face is glowing red. "Oh, Christian, I am so sorry. It's none of my business. Please just scratch that? "

And don't you know it, she's biting her lip. The very image that still haunts his mind at times and she's doing it right now, in front of him. Oh, he hasn't touched that lip for such a long time. And again, as she releases her bottom lip and her mouth becomes a thin line, he realizes he's caught staring. A nervous laugh escapes him.

"Don't worry about it. Incidentally I'm not in love. As you may remember it doesn't come that easily to me. But me and Nicole have an arrangement that works for both of us. It's company when I need it."

He cringes. Why is it everything he says ends up sounding like sexual innuendo, when he doesn't mean it to? Despite their passionate background, Christian doesn't want Ana to get the impression that he's trying to seduce her. That would send her running and he would for certain never see her again. He wants to show how completely normal he can be these days, because that's what she is used to and he suspects that it's what she wants. "You know, to functions and events."

"Let me guess, Nicole is a tall, leggy, brunette model with an exploding career", Ana says, clearly amused now, although still a little flushed.

"Actually, her career is more the declining kind", he mumbles, but other than that Ana's right, of course. "You seem to know me well." Which she does, better than anyone.

"It's cheating. There's no avoiding the odd photo of you with dates, and they usually have some things in common. I'm glad you have company", she adds, more serious now.

"Right." Christian decides to change the subject, before they get deeper into who already knows what about whom.

"What about you, are you seeing somebody? I am very sorry about your husband, by the way". He suddenly remembers he hasn't offered his condolences and feels a pang of anger, directed at himself. How incredibly impolite and insensitive of him. "I heard from Kate … it must have been very hard on you and Sara."

"It's been hard, but we're starting to get back on our feet." There's a glint her blue eyes and she fiddles with her already empty coffee cup. She seems reluctant to talk about it with him, and he doesn't blame her. Dead or not, he's not particularly interested in talking about her husband either. Thomas Randall is the man who gave Ana what he, Christian, could not.

"And I'm not seeing anyone", Ana continues. "It's only been a year, and … being a single parent can make dating challenging. I also work, and when I don't I want to spend as much time as I can with my daughter. "

"I can understand that", Christian says emphatically, but honestly it sounds more like excuses to him. Obviously he's secretly delighted that she's not seeing anyone. That won't last for long though, just look at her. Good thing you worked up the courage when you did, Grey.

"So, how's work?" he continues. "I presume you're still an editor?"

"Mm, senior editor at BPH, an up-and-coming publishing house with Swedish owners. But I only work for them half-time."

Christian is surprised. He did not know this. "They let you work half-time?" He looks perplexed, like the concept is utterly unfamiliar to him. Ana bursts out laughing.

"Yes, I'm very good at what I do and I manage some high-profile authors, so my employers take what they can get. I also freelance a bit and I have column in a weekly British literary magazine. It gives me freedom to organize my schedule around Sara's days, so I'm around most of the time she's at home. It actually works out really well."

For some odd reason, Christian feels ridiculously proud of her. She seems so capable and mature and she must be a really good mother. He's a sucker for good mothers. But Ana also appears vulnerable, and the mix of impressions is taking his breath away. With that nice little house, in this nice little neighbourhood, she must barely be making ends meet, and he feels a deep desire to take care of her. How can she still do this to him after ten years? But then again, that's why he's here, isn't it? To find out.

He asks some more about her work, where can he find her column if he would like to read it? Ana tells him, but as sure as she is at her job, she still flushes at the thought of him reading something she has written. The girl he knew ten years ago is still very much present behind the very womanly exterior. The also talk about Kate and Elliot, and Christian tells Ana that he spends a lot of his limited free time with his brother's family. She looks slightly surprised when he goes on about his niece and nephew, and how much he enjoys being an uncle, but she doesn't comment, other than to laugh in the right places.

Time famously flies, and suddenly Ana looks at her watch and says that she has really enjoyed this, but she has a tonne of work to do before picking up Sara. She has to leave.

"Can I see you again?" Christian blurts out, as she gets up to leave. It doesn't come out in the casual by-the-way-way he meant it to. Ana sits back down on the chair and gazes at him with serious blue eyes. Oh fuck, here goes.

"Christian, I don't mean to be presumptuous in any way, but I have to make one thing clear. If you want to be friends, I think I can do that. But I can't date you. What you and I had … was insane." Suddenly her eyes well up and Christian feels a pang of guilt. He did that. "Beautiful and mind-blowing, but also all-consuming. Leaving you is the hardest thing I have ever done. I was really lost for a long time. I don't have the emotional stamina to go through anything like that again. The most important thing in my life now is Sara, and her well-being will always come first, in any decision I make. And now, if you have absolutely no interest in dating me, I will feel really stupid", she concludes, embarrassed and blushing again.

Christian is quiet for a moment, considering how to reply. The truth is he hasn't come here with the clear intention of getting her to date him. He had no idea if he would even want to; it's been ten years after all. But now, he's absolutely positive that he wants to see her again – needs to see her again. Being friends with Ana feels like a ridiculous notion – how would that even be possible? But if she's comfortable calling them that, he doesn't mind for now. If that means he gets to see her. He takes a deep breath.

"A while ago I was in Portland on business and for some reason I started thinking about your father, and the two of us fishing together. I found myself wondering how your mother and father were doing, and then how you were doing. And I realized I couldn't picture you. I mean, what I saw in my mind, and always see when I think of you, was a twenty-two year old girl." Christian is struggling to explain. With the wrong choice of words she might just be lost to him. Again.

"Anastasia." He looks at her sincerely. "You are well aware that to me you will always be more than a love-affair that happened years ago. You changed my life completely. You taught me how to live and love." Fuck, now he's embarrassed. "I will never, ever stop caring about you. I am not here looking for a date. I would just like to get to know you again." There. Not too needy. He can't help a short laugh. "Shit Ana, nothing can shake me in business, but coffee with you makes me feel like an insecure teenager."

Ana laughs, and the tension dissipates. She even reaches over the small table and touches his hand briefly. Their first touch in ten years. It makes his throat tighten and he is briefly wondering if this is a good idea. She is still the only one who can really hurt him. But he shakes it off.

Ana's about to leave. "OK, why don't you give me a call in a couple of days? But let's not go to dinner, I'd rather do something. Nothing extravagant, though", she adds sternly.

"Promise", Christian replies with a large grin. He's going to see Anastasia Stee … Randall … fuck, Ana, again in a couple of days. He feels … happy.