Second to last chapter, readers! u.u

I don't come back again for awhile. I just see no point in going to visit the flea when people like 'Hibiya' or 'Virus' could be waiting for me. Or Izaya himself, even though I'm starting to get that he's not coming back anytime soon…

…God damn it, this is all my fault. This is my biggest issue, here. I can't not feel bad…

…Fuck.

God damn that flea…he just had to split off into however many people and lose himself and make me feel bad about causing it. Typical of that little maggot, making me feel like shit because I'd finally got him… God damn that fucking flea!

In any case, I need to go back to that stupid hospital eventually because that asshole is making me feel guilty again. I bet deep down that maggot knows that I'm suffering from this, and that's why he's not getting any better. God damn it…

Well, whatever… I come back maybe almost two weeks after my last visit. I enter the flea's hospital room to find him sitting up and toying with something that I think might be his jacket; you know, that dumb Eskimo-looking one. He looks up at me and his expression just lights up.

I really don't know what to think.

"Yay, a new visitor? Hi, Mister!" he greets in excitement.

I'm…creeped out. And already annoyed. My lips tighten around my unlit cigarette for a moment before I remove it from my mouth with my thumb and forefinger in order to respond. "Hey. Could I ask your name?" My voice is pretty dull here.

"My name's Psyche," he grins. "What's your name?"

"Shizuo."

"Shi…zu…o," Izaya repeats slowly.

I furrow my brow slightly. "Yeah. Shizuo."

"Okay. Say," – he lifts up that stupid jacket of his – "don't you think this would look better in white?"

My brow furrows deeper. "I guess," I respond in a mostly muttering tone.

"Mister Shinra left these," he smiles at me. "He says it might help me remember something, but then he said he kinda hoped I wouldn't and laughed. I didn't get the joke."

I stick the cig back between my lips again to hide my slight smile. So Shinra's hoping Izaya won't come back too, huh? I mean, yeah, I feel guilty he's in the hospital and everything, but you know, I'm really warming up to the idea of killing off the original Izaya if, well, he's not actually dead. Already the little shit is seeming like…well, not-shit. And calling that maggot not-shit is really being nice when it comes from me.

"He also left some silver rings that I think are really pretty, and he showed me a really nasty-looking knife that I said I didn't want 'cause there's a monster that's been hurting me when I'm sleeping," Izaya informs me. "Good thing he said I couldn't keep it anyway."

Izaya… He's sounding like some little kid.

Wait, what was that? "A monster?" I repeat.

"Yeah," he confirms. He looks kinda bewildered on the topic. "Sometimes I wake up and find scratches on me and I don't know where they came from. I bet you it's a monster; the kind that hides under your bed or in the closet and you always tell the grown-ups they're there but they never believe you."

I stare flatly. Izaya, I know you're annoyingly childish, but really?… Ugh, but what exactly is causing those scratches? Maybe it's the doctors? My brow furrows. Nah, that can't be it… I know it isn't a monster. There's no such thing as monsters, unless it's a monster like me.

I think about the notes I read in Shinra's notebook about that Roppi character. He'd written that he was possibly suicidal, right? Maybe he was hurting himself?

God damn it, Izaya. You're not that type.

…I don't think.

Anyway, Izaya's looking at me with these wide, childish eyes that seem so serious…in a kid-like way. Right. This guy's practically a child. Wasn't 'Psyche' the one I'd hit the first time I came to visit? Yeah, and he'd started crying. So basically, I'm dealing with a kid here…

I've never been good at dealing with kids.

Great. Just great.

Damn it.

"You don't believe me either, about the monster, do you?" he asks me, and I'm brought away from my thoughts.

"Nah, I believe in monsters." It's not exactly a lie.

What scares me is his relieved, happy face when I tell him this. "Really? You do? Finally, a grown-up who listens; yay! Ah, but…why are you visiting again?" He cocks his head to the side like some puppy.

Oh, fuck. I'm comparing that flea-face to an adorable puppy now.

Then again, in any other circumstance that face would irritate the hell out of me to the point of wanting to beat the shit out of that damned flea. Right now, he's not Izaya, right?

No…

Izaya's dead now.

And considering he's still technically alive, I'm okay with that.

"Why am I visiting?" I repeat, removing my cig from my lips. "Well, I just came in to check on you. I visit a few of the people in this place, since I have a…friend here."

"Really?" Izaya asks me brightly. I'm starting to not think of him as Izaya. "Who's that?"

I name the first personality I met. "His name's Roppi, I don't know if you know him." Oh, yeah, I'm sure you've met him once or twice in your sleep; I think he's the monster under your bed.

"Roppi, huh?" Izaya asks curiously, tilting his head. He looks up as if he's trying to remember if he knows him. Unlikely. "Ah, I think Mister Shinra knows him too… He also knows a Mister Izaya. Do you know him, too?"

"Well, I know him, but I don't want to," I respond, trying not to think of that flea too much. As if he isn't in front of me. And you know, it's almost as if he isn't, so I can deal with it.

"You don't want to? Hm, well, okay. Say, you think you and I can be friends, now that we've met? How about it?"

I adjust my sunglasses. "Uh…"

"I already have four friends already, isn't that great?" He's so enthusiastic. "I have Mister Shinra and Celty and Mister Tatsuya and Miss Seino… Mister Tatsuya and Miss Seino are two of the doctors that come in, see. How about it? Will you be my friend?"

I just stare at him, furrowing my brow a little. I'm honestly not sure what to say.

"Well, you don't have to answer right now; that's fine. Maybe you can come and visit again sometime? That would be great! Will you, please?"

"Uh, yeah," I respond. "Sure."

"Oh, I'm so happy!" He pauses and stops looking so cheerful and excited. "Hey, you think I'll get outta here soon?"

I blink at him. I guess I shouldn't tell him I'm the reason he's in here, huh? "I'm sure," I reassure, hoping it sounds sincere when really I have absolutely no idea when he'll get out.

He looks at me. "You think so? Really?"

"Yeah," I answer, and he's all sunshine and rainbows again. It makes me really wonder if there's something wrong with him. Then I remember that there really is.

He starts rambling to me about all of the 'yummy treats' he wants to eat when he gets out. He goes on and on about ice cream and cake and shortcake and cupcakes and other cakes and anything sweet he can think of. Honestly, it's getting me hungry, and at this point he's only succeeding in mildly irritating me. …And making me hungry. My cigarette is between my lips again. Eventually there comes a point where it seems like he's talking more to himself than to me, and it's around here that I turn and attempt to take my leave. He won't notice me gone, it seems like, so why not leave? I'm getting hungry now anyway; might as well feed myself.

His voice calls from behind me. "Shizu-chan, where are you going?"

I freeze completely. My lips tighten around that useless, unlit cigarette. I can hear my heart thudding in my ears in that bad way that means I was just caught off-guard, or I'm about to snap. I turn back slowly. "What did you just call me?"

"Shizu-chan," he beams, and for a second it's the flea again. Is it him? Is this him reemerging, ready to taunt me until I snap at him again and actually kill him this time? Does he want that? I'd gladly send him straight to Hell if he really wanted me to, because I know that's where he's going!

"I called you Shizu-chan!" he repeats again. He seems so fucking happy about the name.

My eyebrow twitches. "Why are you calling me that?" My voice is lower than normal; slower.

He seems to notice something wrong here. Good. Because there is. "Um, I'm calling you Shizu-chan because we're almost-friends, and I thought it was a perfect name for you. Just popped into my head like ding! And so I called you it, 'cause it feels right."

I'm glaring at him. This isn't starting up again. It's too…too flea-like. I hate it. Despise it. No, I won't let you call me that, you little… But I'm not gonna hurt him or anything.

I walk towards him as calmly as possible; my voice is still low when I next speak. "Don't call me that."

"Why not?" His voice is soft and hesitant. Almost hurt that his 'extraordinary nickname' had been turned down so easily and irately. Too bad. Deal with it.

"Why?" I repeat, and I frown deeply. "Because it's annoying." Then I walk for the door.

"B…but Shizu-chan, where—?"

I close the door behind me.

I visit with Shinra once; Roppi is waiting. Shinra keeps talking to the guy and he isn't appreciating it. I feel for him; honestly Shinra has a tendency to talk way too much. My unlit cig is, as always, pressed between my lips, especially considering the irritation just Shinra is giving me here. I'm not partaking; just listening until I get annoyed enough to leave. At least it's a conversation instead of some one-sided rambling of medical jargon that no one really cares about. And the topic? Humans.

"I don't know why you're being so negative, Roppi!" Shinra cries. "Not everyone is bad, you know? I mean, you and I are pretty nice, don't you think?"

"Not really."

"But what about the nice things like…like love? I think love is a beautiful thing. The best thing! Or when people help each other, I think that's nice, right?" He's so bright about it.

"Humans are too trusting; they're gullible and predictable," he says, looking dully at Shinra. Shinra seems to deflate at his words. Then he adds, "Izaya knew that too."

I look up; Shinra freezes, blinking. "Izaya?" Shinra repeats. "You know Izaya?" He seems almost excited. Probably thinks he's close to some kind of breakthrough.

Izaya looks at us and gives a sneer. "Yeah," he confirms. "I hate him."

I'm starting to visit a little bit more often now that I don't feel like it's Izaya I'm visiting. Mostly I find 'Roppi,' 'Hibiya,' or 'Psyche' sitting in the bed. I'm actually okay with Roppi, now, even though a lot of times he's a downer. Hibiya and Psyche are irritating, but at least Psyche I can tolerate. I rarely see Virus – I only had a single conversation with him, and it was about fast food, of all things – and even though I find Sakuraya nice to be around, he comes around less often too.

It's not like I go daily or anything. The guilt's not so bad anymore, so I go maybe once a week, maybe twice. Maybe less. Izaya's been in the hospital for awhile by now, huh? Hah, I guess I should be happy I finally got rid of that flea. How great is this? I think I've finally stopped caring that I caused this whole going crazy thing.

Sometimes I go with Shinra, or both Shinra and Celty. Shinra remarks to me, "How funny that it takes something like this to get you two in a room together without wanting to kill each other." My first reaction is irritation but I realize he's right and feel vaguely amused along with him. Huh.

I start visiting less; I figure he's fine.

Things seem to be going well.

The last time I visit him in his hospital room he doesn't respond to me coming in the doorway. He's looking off somewhere, away from me, out the window. I think maybe it's Sakuraya. I see Shinra's journal lying open on the small table beside his bed.

Whoever this happens to be chuckles darkly and tauntingly. I feel the urge to snap right then and there, but I don't. I remind myself it isn't Izaya, no matter how much it sounds like him, and I don't move. He turns and looks at me with a twisted smile on his features, then tilts his head to the side, his mouth cruel and his eyes narrow. "I bet…" he says to me, "…that you don't want me back, huh, Shizu-chan?"

I stare. Fuck. Fuck. It's him, isn't it? It's gotta be, damn it, damn it, the fucking flea is back now?

"Eh?" His head tilts to the other side, his eyes taunting. "Don't recognize me already? Long time, no see, huh? I know exactly what's going on, no need to tell me. Silly Shinra forgot his book and it seems I'm back, at least for now, isn't that great, Shizu-chan?"

I don't answer. Just restrain from beating the shit out of him.

"Of course I remember what got me here." He shrugs nonchalantly. "It was you being your monstrous self and actually nearly killing me; how terrible of you." He clucks his tongue is if I'm some kid that did something naughty. "Landed me in here, didn't you? How terrible. I hope you feel sorry, but I guess that's a lot to hope for when it's from a monster like you."

Don't attack him, don't attack him, don't attack him; God damn it… My hand, still gripping the doorknob, has twisted the metal. The knob breaks off in my hand. It's taking a whole hell of a lot not to beat the shit out of him right now…

Izaya glares at me without a tilted head, now, his mouth still twisted in an ugly way. "You know it, too, Shizu-chan…not just about being a monster. You know you were hoping I wouldn't come back. Isn't that right? You were hoping you really had killed me, even if it was only in mind rather than body." He smirks at that as if it's funny.

My teeth are grinding. He's right, and he knows it. Fuck, I hate it when he's right.

"But I bet you were guilty at first, weren't you?"

I twitch, and that little response makes his smirk widen to a kind of grin-sneer-thing.

"Hoh, you were, weren't you? Shizu-chan actually has a conscience, now, does he? How sweet! Maybe you're a partial human after all, protozoan!" He laughs slightly, and then his mouth twists again rather than remaining in that stupid playful smile, like this was all some fucking game he was playing. "Come on, Shizu-chan, I bet you were guilty at first; otherwise you wouldn't visit your rival at all. But oh, you really didn't care for me and you know it; of course what more can be expected anyhow? You hate me!" He laughs oddly. Annoyingly, too. "But you encouraged this." He gestures carelessly to the journal of Shinra's. "You wanted to still have killed me. You wanted me dead, but you wanted me breathing. Not just a monster, but a coward too? Or just a half-monster that's trying to hold on to half a conscience, huh?" He sneers. "Disgusting of you, really," he sighs. "I didn't expect cowardice in you, Shizu-chan." He laughs a small heh. "Go on and admit you were guilty; admit you were secretly happy with the results; admit you're disappointed I've returned; admit you don't want me here; admit that you're nothing but—"

My fist slams into the door. Well, it won't work so well as a door anymore. "Shut up!" I snap; my voice is loud. "Shut your goddamned mouth, you little—fucking—FLEA! You should just die!" My own mouth twists into a demented grin. Oh no, I'm not angry. More than angry. Oh, I want to beat the shit out of him so bad… The only thing stopping me was the fact he was making me feel like shit for what both of us know I had been thinking. "It's no wonder we don't want you back, you little piece of shit!" I snap at him.

"Ah, just as monstrous as ever, I see," he grins. "Are you really going to take your anger out on me, a patient at a hospital?"

"Shut up shut up shut UP!" I tear the cigarette from my mouth and snap it in two, then throwing it on the ground and squashing it with my shoe. He's smirking at me and I just want to wipe that smirk right off of that ugly little face of his so bad… The guilt's gone, covered by anger and I'm blinded by the fire fueling me. I'm advancing, his name a low growl in my throat that's rising to a yell.

"Coming to kill me, Shizu-chan, when I can't do a thing?" He's speaking over my growl-yell, speaking fast as I'm advancing; he just has to get those words in, little fucking flea. "You really are a monster if you take advantage of this!" he cries in his annoying little sing-song voice. I don't care what he's saying anymore. My body's acting on its own now; I'm in a rage. "That's right," he grins, "come and get me. Come and get me; are you really going to kill me? Go on ahead, if your conscience can take it! Go right ahead and do it, do you really think I care?!"

I freeze. By now I'm lifting him from his bed by the collar; he's hanging there and glaring at me without a smile. That's not right. Roppi; Roppi had said something like that. That wasn't Izaya. Right? I'm looking at him, unsure now of what to do.

His mouth re-twists itself into a sneer. "I knew you wouldn't do it," he says, and I drop him back onto the bed. I wish he'd just shut the hell up. The cruel smile on his mouth dissipates and he just looks at me with those cold, dirty eyes. "Now leave." Even his tone is chilled. "There is no need for you to be here, so leave, Shizu-chan. Get out. Neither you nor I want you here, and I think it's a little bothersome for both of us, don't you think?"

I give a tch and decidedly throw a punch to his face, whipping his head to the side. I think I hear something in his neck snap. There's a pause, and I think he's laughing now, little fucking shit. I just turn around and walk away, not looking back to see that disgusting flea-maggot.

"Goodbye, Shizu-chan."

I don't listen to him. I just leave.

I try not to think about what happened at the hospital, because when I do I get irritated, and obviously I don't want to think about something that's irritating. It's not that long after that day; I'm sitting on my couch after a day of work with Tom and now I'm tired. I don't want to think, so I don't. I just sit there, don't turn on the TV, and just tilt my head back and close my eyes. It's nice.

Then my goddamned phone just has to ring.

I give a kind of irritated sound and bring my head back up as I fish in my pocket for my cell. I look at the ID; it's Shinra. I never told him that Izaya had come back, this is probably him finding out now. That's it. I sigh heavily and answer the phone. "What." My voice is flat and unenthusiastic. I don't care about Izaya's 'improvement' or whatever. 'Improvement' would probably include him getting amnesia. Or a heart attack. Or something.

I don't really expect what it is Shinra says to me. I'm thrown off, at the very least. He says,

"He's dead, Shizuo."

I just sit there, listening to silence in my ear for a few seconds that seems like longer. I can hear my own heartbeat. "What?" I say again. "Who's dead, Shinra?" My voice is harder than I intend, but I can't breathe right because I know the answer.

"Izaya. Izaya's dead, Shizuo." He pauses before he speaks, as though he has to reprocess it himself.

Fuck no. That can't just happen like that.

"What the hell happened?" I sound irritated even though my chest is tightening. I was the death of him, wasn't I? He was proving a point; that little fucking flea was just—was just—

God damn it…

"I don't know," Shinra sounds subdued. "I just don't know."

I can hear that goddamn voice in my head; it won't shut up; he's saying, You've got your wish, Shizu-chan, do you feel guilty yet?

You were the death of me.

But you don't really care do you? Because you're a monster.

"Just tell me what the fuck happened; don't give me any shit about how you don't know." My voice is low.

"W-well, I went into his room just a bit ago and he seemed to have overdosed on one or more of the drugs. They started working on him immediately but—he was already gone, so… The doctors aren't sure about how it happened, though; they don't know if it was accidental, lethal, or even…" – don't say it, Shinra – "…self-inflicted. That's all I know, Shizuo; I'm sorry."

It's enough for me. I'm pinching the bridge of my nose while I'm holding the phone with my other hand. I hate Izaya; I hate him so much… It's fucking stupid to feel guilty about this… Fuck, this isn't supposed to happen… He's supposed to fix himself up, get out of the hospital, then someday come back to Ikebukuro where I'll try to beat the shit out of him all over again.

But I can't do that now. I already beat more than the shit out of him, I beat his sanity away and now he's fucking dead.

Izaya is dead.

Really dead.

"Fuck," I mutter. "Fuck."

"What?" asks Shinra.

"I said 'fuck,' dipshit!" I snap. "God fucking damn it…"

It's quiet on the line for about a minute. I'm not sitting anymore; I'm up and pacing so I don't break something. "I honestly…" Shinra comes in, "…didn't think you'd be so upset about this…"

Normally I wouldn't, Shinra, but that flea just died and left me with all the guilt for it. "Damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it DAMN it…" is my response to him. I keep muttering, mostly to myself, and he's quiet. I feel fucking sick, now; just great. Why did he die? I don't get it…

"Hey, Shizuo?" Shinra speaks up eventually.

"What." My voice is even harder than it was at the start of our conversation.

"I was just wondering…do you think…maybe…that we were really missing something about Izaya? I feel like…maybe…we didn't know him so well…"

"He was an asshole," I snap. "He was an asshole, and both of us know it. That's all. He's a dirty flea; a maggot; a pest; an ass-douche-dick; and now he's…he's fucking…" I'm not finishing that sentence. Shinra knows how it would finish anyway.

"Right. He was a pretty terrible person anyway." The underground doctor doesn't sound like he agrees with himself. He just sounds like…like a kid agreeing with an adult's logic just because they feel like they have to. Sounds like he's trying to re-convince himself of it, too, even though it's a fact, and both of us know it. "I'm sorry, Shizuo. I just thought I should let you know."

"Yeah," I say in a tight voice. Too bad I don't care; I don't.

"Goodbye, Shizuo."

"Bye." As soon as we disconnect, I throw my cell phone against the wall; it breaks into more than one piece. I don't even care, just continue pacing, trying to get this stupid guilt off my chest and trying not to break my own house. I kinda need that. It's all this remorse and blame settling on me and I'm just getting so angry but there's nothing I can do about it and there's nothing I can do to fix it.

I think that maybe all those times I tried to kill him, I never really thought he'd die.

Because even though they hate each other, they also need each other, don't they?

...Anyway, please no harming the author. ^^;; No Izayas were harmed in the making of this fanfic-

Ah, let's answer those anonymous reviews~

UsUk ShiZaya: I'm super glad you like it! Every favorite and follow and review means a lot, so a double thank you! ^^

Guest #1: Golly, I'm glad you think the writing is done well! ;v; I try. As for the shipping, I've always struggled with pairings in general, so don't expect much from me. I'm glad you like it that way! I definitely like them as vitriolic friends, however. Ooo, and I'm super glad you're as intrigued as I am when it comes to DID/MPD. uvu Thank you very much for the review!

nameless feeling: I'm happy to please you! Well...you got your answer - Izaya did, in fact, show up... Uh... Anyway, I'm glad you enjoy the multi-personality thing. I had fun writing it out, and wish I'd fleshed it out a bit further, since it was so fun writing it. Ah, well... There's more ideas to write about! Yeah!

Guest #2: I'm glad you like it! Here's your update~

Guest #3: Shoving all the alternates into one body was certainly fun. Although, I also like the idea that all of the alternates (from Shizuo to Izaya to even the alternates of Masaomi and Kodota and the others) all live in an alternate realm created in the complexity of Izaya's mind. A literal dreamworld, as all. (cough, perhaps that'll be shown in the next short story-cough) I have to say it was fun writing things as Shizuo, too. xD And indeed, Sakuraya is a cutie. uvu

One more chapter left! Now, I'm gonna be putting up some DRRR! one-shots starting tomorrow. One-shots are definitely less entertaining in the fun sense, so...well...yeah. The day I put out the final chapter of this story (either tomorrow or Friday), I will also put out the first chapter of my next short story, so...hey~

Say, if you have any plot ideas that you'd like to suggest for me, I'd love to take them in and possibly work on them~

Reviews are welcome; feedback is great! Have a lovely day, everyone~