Hi everyone, sorry for the long gap in uploads, I was away this weekend with no internet (oh the horrors!) On the upside, I've got a few more prewritten chapters so you can expect one a day for at least three days now. Please keep leaving reviews, it's so good to know what you think :)

Zoe's high heels clicked menacingly along Holby's corridors as she strode angrily to Lily's room. She came across one of the surgical team on her way and had to resist the urge to slam him up against the wall. Outwardly, she projected an image of serenity which shattered when the surgeon spoke.

"Dr Hanna, it's good to see you again."

"I wish I could say the same. I've got a member of staff in there who not so long ago was fighting for her life. And yet no-one even offered her the common courtesy of letting her know she's now missing half of her left leg. I know you saved her, but you let her down, and I am fuming. Your team let her down," Zoe repeated angrily as the surgeon's face fell.

"She – she hadn't been made aware of the amputation?" he stammered, turning white. Zoe let out a rush of breath in frustration and ran a hand through her hair.

"Tell me this isn't happening," she muttered. "What did you just tell her?"

"I mentioned physiotherapy and the prosthetics clinic," he said, before Zoe pushed past him into Lily's room.

She looked up at once. Her brown eyes were wide and mournful, rimmed with red although no tears had fallen as yet.

"I suppose that's why Ethan left so quickly," she choked, stumbling over the words. "He didn't want to tell me."

"He wanted to tell you, more than anything else in the world, I promise you. He couldn't find the words to say it. I'm so sorry this happened to you Lily, you didn't deserve a second of it," Zoe said. Her own feeling of guilt were catching up with her now, like Dylan she thought there was more she could and should have done.

"Sorry about which bit?" Lily asked. "The part where I lied to everyone, and convinced Mrs Beauchamp I could go out on the trauma team? Or the part where I ignored Ethan's advice and worried him sick while I charged into an obviously unstable building?" she spat, tears rolling down her cheeks. "If this is anyone's fault, it's all mine." She stared at the ceiling and sniffed, then allowed Zoe to hug her as she continued crying.

"Come here sweetheart," Zoe said, wishing she'd worn waterproof mascara. "Please, please, don't go blaming yourself. You won't believe how many times I've heard those words floating around the department in the last hour." She stroked Lily's hair comfortingly before rubbing at her own eyes and sighing at the sight of make-up smeared on her thumbs. "No, I just wanted to say sorry for the part when I let a determined junior doctor pull the wool over my eyes, and for not checking you over when I had the chance. Now can we please talk about something else? You're going to make me cry again and I'm not sure there's a spare mascara in my desk drawer!" They laughed, which made Lily wince in pain and clutch her stomach. "Woah, be careful Lily, you don't want to go tearing those stitches," Zoe said, pulling her sheets down to check them quickly, but everything was as it should have been.

They chatted about pointless things for a while, which made Lily happy because she didn't have to think about her leg, or the scars, or facing the others again. Zoe promised to send more books for her to read – she appreciated her constant need to be doing something other than staring at the walls.

"Just one more thing, before you go," Lily said, as Zoe checked her appearance in the mirror and rubbed the last remnants of strayed eyeliner from under her eyes.

"Go on?"

"Ethan mentioned... something about Dr Keogh, I didn't know what to think..." Lily tailed off, not sure how to put what she wanted to say into words. Zoe narrowed her eyes.

"How much do you know, I mean of what happened at the trauma site? Can you remember anything of what Ethan told you, when you were on your way out of resus? You were pretty out of it, so I'd be surprised if you can remember anything at all. And at the trauma site you were unconscious for a long time."

"Well, I remember treating Annie, and then being in a lot of pain. I remember panicking that the building was collapsing, because I can still hear Ethan shouting for me to cover my head."

"Anything else?" Zoe asked. Lily thought for a moment before shaking her head. Zoe sighed. "In all honesty," she said slowly, "If Dylan hadn't been there I don't think we'd be having this conversation now."

Lily felt the gravity of this sentence about a second after it had taken her breath away.

It still didn't quite answer the questions rushing around her head, which she hadn't dared ask out loud yet. Dylan was a doctor, a very good one at that, he saved lives almost every day.

"Why would Ethan say he'd been ripping himself to shreds? He treats patients in a worse condition than me every day, I don't understand." Zoe paused, not sure what to say.

"Dylan hasn't been having a particularly easy time of it lately. He is... and amazing doctor at times, but..." she sighed deeply. "It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't done it. Treating patients day in, day out, is okay. They have names, but they might as well be anonymous because we're so used to detaching ourselves from them. You understand that, right?" Lily nodded, fidgeting with her sleeves as she began to see what Zoe was getting at. She was beginning to understand why the usually gruff and composed Dr Keogh had been reduced to a state reserved for concerned relatives.

"But treating a colleague," Zoe went on, "Someone you've worked with everyday, well, it's so different you wouldn't believe. You can't detach yourself from a person whose locker combination you know from looking over their shoulder every morning. All the time you remember the little things that they do, right down to the way they stir their coffee, and all you think of is the fact they're not doing them right at that moment. It's one of the hardest things in the world, because there's just so much responsibility on it." Lily could feel the tears threatening in her eyes again, and saw them in Zoe's too.

"So yes, Dylan has treated patients in far worse states than yours. But the fact that you're you meant there was so much riding on him getting everything right. I promise you, there is a wonderfully nice person underneath all of that impatience and sarcasm. He does care, honestly, even if it doesn't seem like it most of the time." Lily nodded, understanding perfectly and sincerely hoping she'd never end up in that situation herself. Zoe gave her one last hug and excused herself from the room.

Heading back to her office, she wondered what had been keeping Ethan in the ED. It had been much longer than the agreed half an hour, so why hadn't he come back to Lily's room? Her question was answered on entering her office, where she was greeted by a sight which made her smile. So exhausted by the evening's events, and finally at peace with his thoughts, Ethan was curled up, fast asleep on her sofa.