Sooo, the tension is rising and the Tony awards continue… in the longest chapter I have ever written over the past one and a half years…giving myself a birthday present today :-)
Thank you all sooo much for your reviews and kind thoughts! I appreciate every one of them, even if I don't always get to comment or answer them individually. I can also honestly say that I appreciate every follow and every single favorite mark. My heart always makes a little happy jump once I receive the notification.
So, enough of the personal bla bla, let's get on with it!
Chapter 70
They finally left the crowd and the cool air behind and Rachel felt a shift in the atmosphere once they entered the Radio City Hall. It felt calmer than outside, but there was still a certain tension in the air.
Rachel had the urgent need to regroup and take a breath. She pointed to the restrooms in one corner. Quinn nodded and followed her. Inside they were alone, luckily, and Rachel sat on one of the decorative chairs that had been placed there for the event to prep up the whole setting.
"Ahhhh," the brunette sighed and delivered the rest of the sentence with her hands only. I feel like I've run a marathon.
Tucking her long dress up a bit, Quinn squad down and looked up at her girlfriend. She cupped her face with one hand, before she said:
I'm really proud of you. You were very professional, poised and absolutely charming out there! And the best looking of all, the blonde added with a grin.
Rachel looked up and smiled, slowly shaking her head. "Nooooo." That would be you, she signed.
Quinn had noticed that whenever Rachel felt uncomfortable or exhausted, she tended to sign more without using her though she did not seem to have any trouble speaking and sounding absolutely clear, the blonde imagined that it was still work for her in order to gauge the right volume when she talked to people. She could understand that Rachel chose in that moment to solely rely on singing. It gave her a bit of a rest.
Quinn looked at Rachel sitting in front of her, wondering what was really going on inside that pretty head.
How hard was it really for you out there? She tentatively asked.
Rachel was surprised about the astute observation wrapped in that question. She had noticed how Quinn had looked at her several times, making sure she was ok, but Rachel had thought she had hidden her discomfort pretty well. Apparently Quinn knew perfectly well how to look behind her façade.
On a scale from one to ten? Rachel asked. Quinn nodded, smiling.
About seven, I'd say. Rachel looked at her hands and found them shaking a bit, now that the adrenaline seemed to wane off slightly in the relative private corner – as much as you could call a restroom private.
Seven, that bad?
Rachel shook her head. No, not really bad. Just… exhausting. This is already taxing when you are in the possession of all your senses, but being down one…
…you need to concentrate more, be more alert. Quinn finished for her.
"Yes," Rachel breathed. But, she continued quickly when she saw remorse settle on Quinn's features, probably chastising herself for having pressured Rachel to come along.
…there were still moments I enjoyed, she added coyly, wrinkling her nose in a cute way that made Quinn reach out and gently tap the tip of it with her forefinger.
Quinn stood and scooped Rachel up in her arms. They held each other, until she felt her girlfriend's heart beat a little bit more slowly.
Rachel stepped back and smiled, her arms still loosely draped around Quinn's waist. Two women entered the room, but quickly walked around the corner where the stalls were, not paying them much attention.
"I think I'm ok now. Thanks for being there for me."
Quinn laughed. You are thanking me? No Rachel, I'm the one who has to thank you - and I know I will probably do this more often than you want to hear it, she chuckled, but I am so happy and glad and proud that you are here with me, showing the world that we belong together, that we can brave everything, no matter what. I love you! She bent her head a little and kissed the full lips.
Rachel smiled, not knowing what to say. She was just glad she had made it this far and was able to support Quinn, to see the joy in those hazel eyes.
Since we're here, I'll make use of the premises. You have to go too?
Rachel shook her head. "No."
The door opened again and three more women in beautiful gowns entered chatting and laughing. Quinn's eyes lit up when she recognized two of her cast members.
"I'll wait outside, ok?" Rachel excused herself with a squeeze of Quinn's hand, smiling at the other women while she passed them. She exited quickly, not just yet wanting to be included in another conversation.
Quinn waved at her and Rachel walked out.
She stood a little back in the shadows, watching the stream of stars and people accompanying them float by. The brunette was glad to have a moment to herself. The adrenaline was starting to rush through her veins again, knowing that she had to mingle with the crowd once more.
Once they got home, she'd probably collapse into her bed and sleep ten hours straight. She had to concentrate a lot, constantly being on alert, reading Peter's signs, checking for the person who originally uttered the comments. Again she felt the vibrations in the air, the excitement, the nervousness and it did nothing to sooth her own frayed nerves.
Rachel straightened her spine and lifted her chin. 'Come on girl. You know the drill, it's nothing you haven't done before,' she told herself. Well, except with the little difference that last time she'd done this her ears were still working perfectly fine.
She sighed and spotted Peter coming out of the men's room further down in the foyer. She walked a couple of steps towards him. She felt securer when he was close. He was her connection to the acoustic world that swirled and vibrated around her and was yet so far out of her reach.
Before she met up with him, Rachel noticed two reporters turn towards her and for a second time seemed to stand still. She hoped they didn't see her but maybe someone else behind her. Turning to look around, she found that there was no one was close by.
The first guy started towards her, obviously calling her name. The other rushed with him and Rachel had no idea how this could have happened so fast, but all of a sudden she found herself trapped in front of a wall, surrounded by numerous reporters and cameras flashing away.
Later she learned that apparently her appearance at the Tonys had created a small uproar. Twitter and instant messaging had helped to spread the news of her arrival quite quickly. Even though many had read her interview, most magazines and billboards still wanted to use the chance and get a live and personal comment on her situation. After all, when had it ever happened that a deaf Broadway star visited the Tonys? That in itself was a story worth covering. And it didn't help that Rachel's face was still recognized easily amongst her peers, fans and critiques.
Even though most wanted to get a close up on the nominees and other stars, once they saw their chance to get Rachel Berry in front of their camera, they had to seize it.
While they were rushing towards her, alerting others of their trade through their action, Rachel was cut off from Peter in the process and staring into the faces in front of her, she felt the panic rise. Her gaze raced from left to right finding one familiar face, but all she could see were the flashing lights and the moving mouths throwing questions at her she couldn't hear.
She had to fight hard to stay where she was, even though all she wanted to do was run away. It all happened so fast that Rachel was not able to keep her calm. All she saw was the people streaming towards her, and the rising panic did not let her think clearly. With wide eyes she looked around, trying to find a way out, but they had cornered her with no exit.
The crowd moved closer when finally a familiar face pushed itself to the front. Peter boxed his way through and managed to reach her, reassuringly touching Rachel's arm.
Sorry, the vultures were just too quick, he commented with his hands. The brunette mustered a grateful smile while she noticed the cameras flashing. If anything, the commotion seemed to increase when they noticed Peter signing to her and watched her pay close attention to his hands. Rachel felt like an animal at the zoo, her disability at display like an exotic creature and people trying to record the best images and proof of it.
The press had gotten on her nerves before, immensely at times, but never had she felt so exposed, so vulnerable and so trapped and helpless like in this instant.
You ok? Peter asked, pulling Rachel out of her stupor.
She only mustered a short nod, still trying to get her brain working again. She needed to find a way to solve this frightening situation. But all she managed was to compare how coolly she had used to handle these situations before her accident with how scared she was now… Jesus, what had she thought? She should have stayed at home! How ridiculous to think she was ready to face the public, at such an event no less. Even though Peter was now at her side, she had no idea how to handle the uncaring horde of photographers and camera men with all their questions.
Glancing at the crowed again she noticed another familiar face.
"Patrick!" she exclaimed relieved and waved him closer. The young man wiggled his way to the front, giving Rachel a short wave of 'hello'.
Somehow the presence of the nice and sympathetic reporter seemed to sooth Rachel's nerves a bit.
Slowly her brain started to work again. Quinn's words sprang to her mind, when the blonde had commented on Rachel's smart retorts to some of the more aggravating remarks outside. She tried to call up the courage she had felt outside and slowly she felt the panic subside. Rachel took a couple of more breaths and forced herself to calm down.
Checking with a look that Peter was ready, the former singer took another deep breath and faced the crowd.
Now she felt she had some more control of the situation and braced herself for the onslaught.
"Gentlemen."
Peter touched her forearm, indicating that she had to speak up a little to make herself heard over the shouts and noise.
Rachel swallowed. This was again one of these situations where she feared she would not be able to adjust the volume of her voice accordingly, as she had no idea how loud it really was. She closed her eyes for a second and recalled her former visits to the event. And indeed, her memory did serve her well as she heard the shouts and clicks and cheers in her mind.
"Gentlemen!" She felt her voice vibrate stronger in her throat and tried to project it to the end of the crowd to reach everyone. She seemed to succeed as Peter subtlety indicated that they were listening.
"I will answer some of your questions. But they will be channeled through Mr. Remmond, because otherwise I will not be able to pick out anything from the crowd. My interpreter will then relay those questions to me."
Patrick nodded and smiled at Rachel. She was glad that he was there. She trusted him to pick the relevant questions and to handle his colleagues professionally. He was truly heaven sent to appear at that moment. Even though he had agreed upfront that he would handle any official interview she wanted to give, they hadn't planned for it to happen this way.
But now that he was here, Peter would only have to concentrate on interpreting instead of also coordinating and deciding which question to translate.
Another form made her way through the crowd, dodging the microphones that were stuffed into her face. Suddenly Quinn stood next to Rachel and touched her by the shoulder, turned her slightly sideways so she could see her face and would not be blinded by the light and mouthed You ok?
Rachel nodded. "Yes. They just took me by surprise."
Do you want to answer some of their questions?
Rachel nodded and quickly explained that Patrick would help. All the while the cameras kept flashing, more since Quinn had arrived as well, communicating in ASL with Rachel.
Feeling reinforced, Rachel asked Patrick to go ahead and accept the first question.
He was indeed very helpful in selecting the persons. Peter interpreted the words with added descriptions of the person talking, so Rachel could address the respective individual with her answer.
Sometimes she noticed by herself who asked the question, but if the person was standing out of her view while concentrating on the signs, she relied on his quick and subtle explanations. The system worked quite well. As the reporters noticed that Quinn Fabray would not walk away soon, but outright refused to answer any questions in her regard, they started to ignore her and kept focusing on Rachel.
The former singer was prepared for most of the questions regarding her accident, the end of her career and the nomination of Funny Girl. When someone posed the question how she could manage to get through the evening where everything was laid out for the hearing, focusing on the acoustics, Rachel found herself to be quite composed. With a small look at Quinn, who gave her a hardly perceptible nod, the brunette answered what she had said before.
"I admit it is not easy and I'm still trying to adapt, but this evening is not about me, nor about my former participation in Funny Girl. I'm actually just here to accompany Quinn Fabray. I'm not the real attraction here, I'm sure you have some burning question for Miss Fabray as well."
She smiled at her and Quinn grinned at the smart move to turn the attention away from herself to the blonde.
As with Shelly, Peter quickly interpreted while Quinn charmingly worked her way through another throng of queries regarding her play, her career and… her relationship.
"Yes, I'm happily involved," with that she grabbed Rachel's hand, but left it at that and didn't give any more details.
The two women politely excused themselves after that, knowing that they should find their seats. Rachel was glad to escape the horde, but hoped to see Patrick again when she felt someone touch her shoulder. Turning, she half expected to be shoved another microphone into her face, but turned her scowl into a smile when she saw the young reporter behind her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to scare you away," she laughed. "Thank you for your great support back there."
You're welcome, he answered through her interpreter's hands. I was wondering if I could have a short interview after the event with you and Quinn.
The blonde had also turned and answered, signing along: "Of course you can. We'll be happy to talk to you. You have been a great help! Thank you! So it's only fair we do something for you in return."
"Yes, Quinn is right," Rachel answered. They agreed to meet after the official part and left to find their seats.
They were stopped a couple of times though, some people speaking to Quinn and some speaking to Rachel. Most of them were positively surprised to see the former Fannie Brice actress. Some of them felt a little awkward after the first admission and quickly turned their attention to Quinn. Quinn was polite, but every time she felt the other person tend to ignore Rachel, she cut the encounter short and they moved on. She knew people were just insecure, but some behaviors were just plainly rude, few people wouldn't even look at Rachel, as if she were invisible.
"You know, you didn't have to cut every encounter short with people who wouldn't acknowledge my presence, Quinn. You are a nominee, of course they want to talk to you," Rachel whispered as they walked down the aisle to their seat row.
Rachel, you are too kind. The least they could have said was 'hello' or 'how are you'. If they are too aloof or indifferent to do it, I'm too aloof and indifferent to talk to them. End of story.
Rachel chuckled. "Very chivalrous, Miss Fabray."
For you, always, Quinn grinned.
Finally they reached their seats and Quinn greeted the people around her, many of them being her cast mates from the musical.
Again some greeted Rachel as well, but she was glad when the lights finally dimmed a little and they could sit back.
… … …
The three of them were seated at the left hand side of the auditorium. To Rachel's right, Peter was sitting and next to him was Quinn, then followed some of her cast members.
Even though Rachel would have preferred to sit next to Quinn, she understood that it was better this way. Besides, this way she could also easily read the blonde's signs, since Rachel was turned towards her right anyway. If Quinn had been sitting next to her, Rachel would not have been able to see Peter's interpretations. If he had sat to her left, she would have had to turn away from the stage to look at him.
Quinn sitting to her left would have been a possibility, but Rachel would have to turn her to her right most of the time to see Peter's interpretation. So however they had tried to solve the seating arrangements, this was the most practical. And Rachel wanted Quinn to sit close to her cast mates as well.
The brunette nodded to the person on her left, recognizing the actor from Golden.
"Hi. I saw you some weeks ago in your show. I enjoyed your performance immensely," Rachel greeted him. She had to remind herself that the noise level inside the auditorium was probably lower than outside. She had adjusted the volume of her voice again, hoping to find the right level.
John Langston did a double take realizing who was going to sit next to him.
"Oh…. I … I…"
Rachel didn't need a translation for that. She smiled at him.
"I didn't want to inconvenience you with my compliment."
He waved his hands. "No, no! You didn't…." The rest was unreadable to her and Peter had to jump in to help out.
I was just so surprised to see you here, after what happened.
John was polite enough to not look pointedly at Peter's signs, but kept his eyes on Rachel's face. Rachel was surprised that so many people knew about her situation.
I would have liked to see you in Funny Girl. Are you here because of their nomination?
Rachel shook her head. "No. I'm accompanying Quinn Fabray. I'm not here in an official function." She waved at her ear and smiled a little. "Not anymore."
I see, sorry about the remark.
"Don't apologize, it was a fair question. Golden is nominated as well, I heard," she changed the topic.
John nodded. Yes, two categories. He laughed. Every time I think I'll be so cool, because I have been to the Tonys a few times now, I always get nervous and excited again like the first time I attended.
"I know! It's always the same, isn't it?" Rachel laughed with him.
He stretched out his hand and indicated them shaking, making Rachel laugh again.
It was funny to think that the large man next to her who reminded her faintly of Lawrence Fishburn, and who seemed so cool on the outside should also suffer from nervousness.
Rachel apologized in advance for the small impoliteness of turning her back to him during the show, but the actor understood the necessity. He joked about how a pretty shoulder could also be a wonderful sight to look upon.
Rachel laughed. "I'm glad that eases the inconvenience a bit."
He looked at her, then said something in return. Rachel turned to see the interpretation.
My inconvenience is nothing compared to yours. I think it's very brave of you to come here.
"Thank you. I hope your musical will win the nominated categories. I really loved the story." When he frowned at her, she explained about her visit with her friends, leaving out the experimental part about the earplugs though.
Right, you said you went to see our musical? Was that after your lost your hearing? He must have made the calculation in his head, knowing their opening night was not so long ago.
Rachel nodded and grinned shyly. Before they could continue their conversation, the lights had dimmed.
"Good luck," she whispered and saw him mouth a Thank you!
The opening ceremony was funny and witty, though for Rachel it was a bit difficult to follow everything. As Peter sat next to her to her right; and not like in a normal conversation was standing opposite of her, she partly had to look away from the stage to see his hands. Luckily it wasn't too dark and his hands were a good contrast against his dark suit. He did do a great job of describing what went on, the audience's reaction and any other acoustic cues that were necessary for Rachel to get a full picture. Rachel felt herself settle back a bit more relaxed after the first minutes.
After a while, Peter and she settled in a good rhythm of interpreting and Rachel experiencing the event with her other senses. Of course she couldn't hear the music, but Quinn helped to join the explanations, whenever Peter seemed to get a bit stuck, lacking the full background knowledge of the business.
The moderator, a relatively young newcomer was witty and had a great stage presence. Rachel could easily see why they had chosen him. He made the audience laugh on several occasions, but more importantly for Rachel, he had a great way of expressing himself through his body language. His gestures were pointed and clear, his facial expressions easy to read and not artificial. Even though these things were part of the trade for almost every person in the room, not many had such naturalness about them as did he.
She enjoyed watching him more and more, skipping over some of the comments that Peter kept interpreting for her. Besides, she had gotten better at reading the signs in parallel while watching the person who spoke. Here it was a bit more difficult because of the seating arrangements in relation to the stage. Rachel noticed that when she turned slightly towards her interpreter, she was able to quickly reassure herself about the dialogue that was happening on stage, while not missing much off the action.
Golden was nominated for best original score and won that category. Rachel turned around to her neighbor once she learned about it and placed a hand on his forearm.
"Congratulations!" She beamed up at him.
"Thank you," he grinned back with a light nod. The cast stood up and applauded the composer and song writers who walked up on the stage.
Rachel still knew a lot of the musicals and the people involved which were nominated. It was interesting to watch the persons when they walked up to the stage and it was almost far more interesting to watch their faces and gestures when they gave their acceptance speech. With a few she didn't look at Peter's interpretation, just placed her hand shortly on his to tell him that he needn't interpret at that moment. It wasn't that Rachel was not interested in the people's words, she wanted to see how much she could grasp from other clues.
Finally the most interesting category came up.
Best lead actress in a musical.
Quinn was running against three other colleagues. Two of them Rachel knew and had heard them sing before, the others she couldn't recall.
Rachel reached for Quinn's hand and in the spur of the moment the blonde switched seats with Peter. The two women grabbed each other, exchanging an excited and anxious smile.
John Langston, Rachel's seat neighbor was the presenter for this category and he had left his seat some moments ago. He appeared on stage and Quinn interpreted for Rachel, happy to be able to keep her hands busy instead of nervously clutching them in her lap.
There are four ladies who command the various stages on Broadway with their grace, their charm, their exceptional talent and, of course, their wonderful voices. The nominees as lead actress in a musical are:
Stella Burgesi,Stranges and Lovers
Quinn Fabray,Bohemians
Kajohl Majari,Bandwagon and
Corinna Mela,Pink is my favorite color
The lights dimmed and short clips of the musical were shown. That was new, Rachel noticed surprised. Usually only the names were read and then it was announced who received the award. Showing something of the musicals and actors had a nice touch and gave everyone who was not familiar with the nominee or the musical at least a small impression of their work. Rachel stared at the enlarged Quinn and that view burned itself forever into her brain. Why ever they chose the last scene of the musical for this short presentation, Rachel didn't know, but seeing the emotions play across the beautiful features, even without words, captured the brunette's full attention. She blended out what came afterwards, she only saw Quinn's face behind her mind's eye. Had she not already been to see the show for herself, she would have had to see it now. And no, she wasn't biased. Not at all.
Once the final clip faded away, Rachel thought she could not stand it anymore. She felt her breathing get more and more rapid as if she herself were nominated. She forced herself to calm down a little and threw a glance at Quinn. Her hazel eyes were focused on John, but as she felt Rachel's gaze upon her, she turned her head and smiled.
In what seemed like unbearable long moments, John slid his finger under the lid of the envelop and opened it. In even more agonizing slowness he pulled out the card.
Rachel's eyes hung on his lips; she couldn't tear herself away to check for Peter's signs.
She knew what he would say next, that was easy to read from his lips, even sitting so far away. But the screens to the left and right enlarged his face so she had a good view.
"The Theater Wing's Tony award for the best leading actress in a musical goes to…" He looked into the crowd with a smile.
'Go ooooon,' Rachel begged him silently, feeling her own hand tighten around Quinn's.
Then he said the name and Rachel couldn't make out the words. She furrowed her brows and looked at Quinn, then saw Peter's hands spell the name.
Rachel's jaw dropped. What?!
S-T-E-L-L-A B-U-R-G-E-S-I.
The crowd around her erupted in the usual cheers. Out of the corner of her eyes Rachel saw a woman with dark hair in a pale blue dress stand up. That was one of the two nominees she had not met before.
Quinn had pulled her hand away from Rachel's after hearing the name of the other singer being pronounced to give her the obligated laudation. Rachel joined her politely, but her heart sank.
She had soooo much wanted for Quinn to walk up there. She had already pictured the blonde up on the stage. She had been so convinced…
Quinn turned to her, smiling, her eyes beaming. Quickly her hands formed the words in front of her.
Wow, of all the others I would have wished for Stella to receive the award – besides, me, obviously, she added with a small laugh. I have seen her in Strangers and Lovers and she was so so so very good!
Rachel shook her head. "I don't know that musical, I read something about it, but I can't remember the details. Honey, I'm sorry that they didn't choose you."
She took one of Quinn's hands and gave it a small kiss. Quinn reached out and cupped Rachel's cheek. Then she shrugged.
I'm a little disappointed, too. But … she paused for a second. I still have time. Maybe next year.As soon as the words flew through the air, Quinn bit her tongue.
She had at least a 'next year'. Rachel did not.
Stella had reached the stage and walked forward to accept the accolade, before she stepped up to the microphone.
Rachel hardly paid attention. Apparently she had more trouble getting over her disappointment than Quinn, who was completely focuses on the other actress. Rachel turned her attention back to the stage to see if she could understand what captivated her girlfriend so much.
Stella Burgesi was pretty all right, the dress was a nice color in comparison to her dark and wavy long hair. She probably had Italian roots, judging by the name and appearance. Watching her for a couple of moments, Rachel noticed that the actress had placed the award next to her on the floor. While speaking, she gracefully used her hands to support her words and there was something about these gestures that held Rachel's interest. The singer wasn't signing per se, but her whole appearance, her movements and her whole charisma spoke more than words.
There were a lot of very good actors and actresses, but very few possessed this inner grace and naturalness that flowed through every pore into every inch of their body. It was reflected in everything they did. What Rachel saw in front of her was a woman who was totally and completely in tune with herself. She had the right amount of confidence without ever coming across as arrogant. The love for her work was clearly visible and the appreciation and gratefulness that was so evident for having received the award was endearing to watch.
She leaned over and whispered into Quinn's ear: "I can see why you liked her so much. If she sings as beautifully as she moves and talks, I can maybe forgive her for snatching the award away from you. Maybe."
A slow smile appeared on Quinn's face. She has your caliber of a voice, Rachel. A little deeper, but her range and power is about the same. Sometimes it gets this velvety tinge and sometimes it has the right amount of raspiness to send shivers down your spine. It's hard to describe. But I can honestly say she deserved this.
Again Rachel squeezed her hand. Somehow she understood. She was still a little disappointed, but seeing Quinn being happy despite her not receiving the award, consoled the brunette a little. Sometimes it wasn't always about oneself, was it? Again a nice lecture in not focusing too much on one's own disappointment, but trying to see the good in a situation. If you truly managed to do that from the bottom of your heart, it could definitely make you a happier person. Maybe it provided a kind of different happiness than you might have imagined it, but if you allowed it to happen, it made life a little easier and more joyful.
The open joy Quinn displayed reflected again the person she had become. She was not the conceited high school girl anymore who wanted to win and gain her advantages no matter what. She seemed truly happy that at least her own favorite candidate had won and Quinn was happy for her.
Rachel sent an admiring glance in her girlfriend's direction and then settled back into the seat to ponder the insight she had just gained.
There were still two more categories that were of interest to Quinn and Rachel. One was best musical and the other was best revival musical. However, Rachel felt divided about the latter. She was happy on the one hand, but also felt greatly at loss on the other.
This was the ultimate confrontation with her ordeal. But maybe it was also the ultimate step to lay things to rest, to find closure. She had moved on, but she had still felt the tethers that linked her to that particular part of her past, of her former life. Maybe going through this that evening, facing the success of others, even though she knew she had helped them along the way, was helping her to finally cut the ties. To free herself to pursue her other dreams.
Yes, as hard as it was, Rachel knew it was necessary to live through this. And just like she had witnessed Quinn do it before she could try to manage to focus on the happy part inside her, and not on the anguish and despair.
Rachel noticed that for the presentation of the nominees for best musical one of her former cast mates stepped up to the microphone. She didn't know Claire very well, she had joined the cast only shortly before her accident.
Quinn reached for her hand and clasped it tightly. The brunette felt her heart beating faster again. There were five musicals nominated and again for each a clip was shown. Rachel relied on Quinn's interpretation for the names of the musicals since she hadn't switched back seats with Peter.
The nominees for best musical are:
Strangers and Lovers
Bohemiens
The Great Unkown
Bold Choices and
Through the Air so Free
The last title Rachel had never heard about. It seemed like a strange title, but it caught her interest. She would look it up later at home. For the time being she concentrated on the short clips on the screens.
The one for Bohemians showed Quinn in one of the early scenes, weaving through the market stands, teasing the young man who was about to fall in love with her. Rachel grinned and remembered how Quinn had crept off the stage to bring her the flower. She felt Quinn's eyes on her and both women shared a knowing and amused look.
"For that performance alone you should have gotten the award," Rachel whispered, which made Quinn chuckle. She knew fully well what Rachel was referring to.
When the lights brightened in the room again, Claire stepped forward. Again Rachel could not be bothered to tear her eyes away from the person on stage. She hung on her lips and prayed that she'd see them form the word Bohemians.
The card was pulled out of the envelop. Time seemed to stand still again. Claire's eyes dropped and a smile spread across her features. Rachel hung on her lips, forcing her to finally form the words she was waiting for.
"The Theater Wing's Tony award for best musical goes to…"again the theatrical pause that everyone involved could have done without. Then the name finally sprang from the presenters lips.
Rachel's head snapped around, had she understood correctly? Seeing the last letters being spelled by Peter, she felt her heart leap. She grabbed Quinn and pressed a passionate kiss on her lips. Only then the blonde seemed to have awakened from her astonished state.
"Oh my god, we won," she whispered.
Her cast mates were already standing, one of them reaching across the interpreter, pulling her up to follow them up onto the stage. Finally it hit home and Quinn beamed at Rachel over her shoulder, while she followed her colleagues.
Rachel's eyes never left Quinn's form as she stepped up on the stage. Peter scooted up next to Rachel in order to interpret the director's speech. On stage, Quinn hugged her partner Michael who played Antoine, the male lead role. They held each other for a moment, truly happy to experience this moment. Then she hugged John, the director and Leonor, the other actress who played Minnette.
It was more than gratifying to invest so much into a role, to live out the drama almost every night of the week and then having your work being acknowledged not only by the cheering audience, but also by the gild.
A happiness settled in Rachel's heart that surprised her a little, but at that moment, she managed to focus on Quinn, to feel her joy, her pride and her gratefulness. She was truly happy for Quinn. And she was truly happy for herself, and that was an interesting notion. Even though she sat there not being able to hear one word that was spoken or sung, she was still happy. There were ways to manage. There were people who supported her, friends, family and sometimes even fans or reporters. The others who didn't – well, just like before she would have to learn to pay them not mind.
After everyone on stage received one of the beautiful brass awards, the director gave his words of thanks.
Peter lifted his hands. Before Rachel dropped her eyes to his hands, she caught Quinn's look. Slowly the blonde lifted one of her hands and stretched out her thumb, index finger and pinky.
Rachel's lips curved into a smile, recognizing those words. It warmed her heart even more that Quinn never, not once, forgot to acknowledge her whenever Rachel attended one of Quinn's functions. Be it at the musical, the concert or here at the award show. The blonde was never shy to let Rachel know that the thought of her, that she was glad that she was there, no matter what the rest of the world thought about her admission.
The brunette felt tears sting in her eyes, when she lifted her own hand in the same gesture, shaking it a little. I love you too.
John next to her noticed the little exchange and smiled.
Finally Rachel was able to concentrate again on Peter's hands and John Gertz's acceptance speech.
…. I'm so proud of the whole team, all of them, of the hard work they put into this show, especially since we pulled opening night six weeks forward. I guess everyone here in the room knows what that means! I was sure that one time or the other I was about to have mutiny on board.
Lot of laughter, Peter added in, before continuing. We grew together as a family during this hard time of almost night and day rehearsals and I have to say, you guys – he turned towards his ensemble – make me really really proud. From the musicians, to the costume designers, the technical staff to the actors. I bow to you, to all of you!
And he indeed turned around and bent at his waist in front of his staff. They all started cheering and clapping and Rachel watched the audience around her join in. There was a merry and happy atmosphere in the air.
Slowly the large group made their way off the stage in the back, waving and cheering all the way to the audience.
"They won best musical. This is sooooo wonderful," Rachel whispered to no one in particular.
John grinned and looked at her. The petite woman caught his gaze and watched his lips move. She held up a finger, turned back to Peter and tapped him on his hand. He leaned forward and John repeated his words.
Sorry, I forgot.
"That's ok," Rachel answered.
He hesitated for a second and she knew he originally wanted to say something different.
Isn't it hard for you to sit here? To see all this and not be able to hear anything?
Rachel had watched him while he spoke and noticed that he hesitated when he delivered his questions. How was she supposed to answer that without a lengthy explanation?
"Well, I wish it were different, but I can't change anything. I can merely try to make the best out of the situation." Then she added after a pause: "Yes, it is hard, but it would be even harder not seeing Quinn and her cast mates receive the award for best musical, not to share her excitement of the evening."
That's right. And, wow, that is quite an accomplishment to see it that way. I hope you can keep that positive attitude.
"Yeah, me too," she chuckled and caused her neighbor to grin as well.
On stage the order had been re-established and the next presenter came on. The brunette found it interesting and refreshing how easy it seemed to have a conversation with the help of Peter. She knew she would not always have the luxury of disposing of an interpreter, but when she did, she could almost have a normal talk with people.
She leaned back and enjoyed the next part of the show. Quinn joined her after the next awards had been distributed and quietly slipped back into her seat next to Peter. She reached across his lap and quickly grabbed Rachel's hand, smiling at her.
Next, the category for best revival is up, she signed.
Rachel swallowed and felt her nerves start tingling again. She turned around and found her former colleagues seated not far from her, just two rows behind, a little to the right. Anna caught her eye and smiled at her, giving a little wave. Rachel partly regretted that she had not met them before the beginning of the show, partly she was glad that she was spared from the encounter. She quickly waved back and turned around again, catching Peter's interpretation.
The presenter was an actor unknown to Rachel, but he seemed excited enough about his job and the musicals he presented.
… might know, in order to compete, there need to be at least three musicals from the same genre running on Broadway. The past years, Funny Girl was the only revival show. This year, however, we have two more live on stage. The three nominees in the category best revival musical are:
Funny Girl,
Sound of Music and
Tommy!
Every time the announcer mentioned her former musical, Rachel's heart made a little leap. She couldn't quite determine if was out of joy or out of regret.
The lights darkened again and the clips that were captured during one of the shows each flickered across the huge screens. Funny Girl came up first and Rachel stared at the screen, not needing any interpretation, knowing by heart and soul those words, those notes, those feelings and emotions that were displayed by her successor. The blonde, tall and pretty actress really gave off of good performance, as far as Rachel could tell without hearing her sing. At least her expressions seemed to be right in the short scene she witnessed. Despite her looking quite the contrast to Rachel, she seemed to pull the role off. Well, that was a relief at least. Though, was it really? Didn't she want to think that she was still irreplaceable, hoping that no whatsoever talented singer could ever play the Fannie she had brought to life?
No, not really, if she was truly honest with herself. Even though it would be nice to know that she was the most talented Fannie Brice, it wouldn't help anyone anymore. And she'd rather have the musical go on being the successful show it was than losing its power because of less talented singers.
The last scene faded away and the stage lights came on again. Rachel focused again only on the presenters lips, knowing the words and drill by heart. Without further preamble, the envelop was opened again and thankfully - thankfully the guy did not hesitate to read out the words.
"And the Theater Wing's Tony award for best revival musical goes to Funny Girl!"
Rachel gasped and clasped her hands in front of her mouth. Then she turned and pointed at the cast a few rows behind her and clapped her hand. "Yes!" she beamed and Anna, already standing up, turned to look at her. She lifted her hand and pointed back at Rachel, then lifting her thumb, telling her in her own special way that Rachel had been part of that success.
Rachel entwined her fingers and pressed her knuckles against her lips, hiding a smile and forcing the tears of joy and sorrow and pride away. Slowly, she sank back into the chair.
They are playing the song 'Don't rain on my parade' while they walk up the stairs, Peter informed her. Quinn indicated for them to switch seats again, knowing how emotional that moment was for Rachel. The brunette felt Quinn grab her hand, never letting her eyes waver from her face.
"I'm ok," Rachel whispered, pressing her lips together. From the other side she felt someone else give her hand a gentle squeeze and she threw a teary eyed smile at John. No words were needed. She understood his gesture.
This whole moment rattled her cage more than she had anticipated. In truth, she had not dared to think about his moment at all. She had not wanted to envision it, nor think about how she would feel if Funny Girl actually won the award. Now the moment was there and she knew that no amount of thinking and planning would have prepared her for that.
She watched the whole crew assemble on stage, watched Drake Fulton, the director and Francis Keller, the producer accept the accolade, as well as Sandra Spencer, the new lead actress and the rest of the crew.
Drake stepped up to the microphone and Rachel's gaze leaned a little forward to see Peter's hands, who now sat one seat over. But Quinn shook her head and pulled her hand from Rachel's.
Relax, I'll interpret for you, she smiled.
Drake and Francis gave their usual thanks, but then the producer announced something surprising.
We know that our time for the acceptance speech is limited. But we were officially allowed an additional couple of minutes.
Rachel frowned and Quinn shrugged. She had no idea either what this announcement entailed.
Sandra pushed herself to the front and stepped up to the mic. She took a deep breath and Rachel wondered what she had to say.
Sandra just hoped they would not cut her off before she said what she had to say, knowing fully well that even though there were granted an extra moment, time was still limited. With a nod from the director, she smiled at the audience. Everyone seemed to wonder what was going to happen.
Rachel's eyes skipped between Sandra and Quinn's hands.
We, the cast of Funny Girl, are well aware of pushing our time limit here, but we would like to use this moment to thank a special person. This person has helped to shape the musical from the beginning, has made this musical what it is today. We'd like to dedicate this award to one of our former cast members. She brought Fanny to live, laying the foundation for this award we received today. She was and will be one of the best Fannys next to Barbara Streisand.
Wow. Hadn't Sandra said those words herself, they could have been seen as an insult to her own performance. But as she delivered those words with an honest air, no one thought anything less of the blonde actress. Rachel scooted deeper onto her seat. She had a premonition that was hard to get rid off after those last words.
'Don't say it, please don't,' Rachel prayed. But Sandra did say it and Quinn did sign it for her to see.
We would like to dedicate this award to Rachel Berry!
Anna came forward as well. Pointing at the seat where Rachel was sitting, she then waved her towards the stage. "Come on girl, get up here!"
"What?!" Rachel exclaimed not sure she had understood correctly. Her eyes darted between her interpreter and Quinn and Sandra back and forth. What the hell…It was one thing to verbally thank her, but something completely different to call her up on stage.
But Quinn was grinning at her teary eyed and when looking at the faces around her, the former singer realized that she had not misunderstood. It just needed a moment to sink in.
Rachel looked around her. John held up his two thumbs, grinning at her. He thrust his chin forward, mouthing Go!
Rachel shook her head. "But…" She didn't know what to say. Was she really supposed to walk up on that stage, stand in front of all these people? She broke out in cold sweat. Looking again at Sandra, the singer still stood there, smiling at her, holding out the award that someone from the cast had pressed into her hands.
Rachel was too afraid to go up there and make a fool out of herself. For a moment the panic seemed to make her unable to move. Then she felt a tap on her forearm.
Quinn got up and pulled Rachel up with her, past Peter who then stood as well to follow. Quinn's cast members smiled at her and some squeezed her hand in support. In the aisle, Quinn then turned her still stunned girlfriend towards the stage and pressed her hand against her back, urging her gently to go forward.
Rachel just reached behind her and gripped Quinn's hand, pulling her along towards the stage, holding on to her like a lifeline. She completely forgot about Peter and about anything they had discussed upfront with Quinn's manager. Her brain just did not function properly at that moment. She had to concentrate to put one foot in front of the other and to keep breathing.
The blonde had to smile at the tight grip Rachel exerted at her hand. Feeling her shake as Rachel made her way towards the stage, Quinn hoped she would not bolt at the last minute.
When they reached the stairs, she nodded at Rachel and gallantly held her hand up, while the brunette ascended. Quinn let the former Funny Girl star walk up on her own, not wanting to steal her limelight. She positioned herself a little to the side, in front of the stage, her eyes never leaving Rachel, just in case she needed her support.
Enjoy this moment, she signed when Rachel shortly looked back to her before taking the last step up. Rachel smiled at Quinn and then faced her former cast.
Quinn quickly glanced across the applauding audience, they all seemed glued to the scene unfolding on stage. It was the first time in the Tony Award's history that a deaf singer received one of the accolades. Even though it was honorary and organized by the cast rather than by the gild, it was still a first. And the jury as well as the organizers must have agreed, otherwise they might not have gotten the extra time. Surely they all were curious as to what would Rachel do and if she would say anything.
Anna and Sandra stepped forward and took Rachel into their middle before hugging her both.
Peter had followed her unobtrusively up the stage and stood slightly on the side, ready to interpret.
Drake and Francis also hugged her. Rachel felt Drake say something to her and when she stepped out of his embrace, Peter interpreted the director's words.
Thank you for everything, Rachel. You helped us to receive this award. And thank you for being brave enough to come up here on stage.
Rachel nodded and smiled. She was still too overwhelmed to speak. She looked up and found Sandra presenting her the award. She said something to her, but Rachel just shook her head, indicating that she didn't understand. Peter took half a step forward and quickly signed Sandra's words to her.
You can say a few words if you like.
She let out a long breath. "I'm not sure I can," she said shakily, but with a smile, making Drake and the other two women laugh.
Rachel hesitated a second then nodded and stepped forward to the microphone.
She found hundreds of eyes upon her, glad that she would not have to see them all due to the blinding stage lights. She looked back at her former cast then at Quinn who nodded and smiled encouragingly.
She looked at the shining medallion in her hands and then at the expectant faces in the auditorium, looking up at her. And the hazel eyes that looked at her with so much pride and love. That gave her the final push.
"I guess I don't have to say that I'm totally surprised, overwhelmed and almost speechless," she began, chuckling and throwing a glance at the cast. She noticed so many familiar faces, all looking at her with kindness, joy and also a little sadness. Turning back, she found the rest of the audience also training their eyes at her with rapt attention.
"When I lost my hearing, I never expected to ever have anything to do with music again. Much less did I expect to ever receive the one award I was striving for since being able to walk and talk." She glanced at the heavy object in her hands. "But life showed me that it often has different plans and surprises from what you expect." She smiled at Quinn.
"There are a lot of people I have to thank for getting me through the last year. Without them I would not have found the courage to come here tonight, much less walk up onto this stage." She made a sweeping motion with her free arm.
"I owe them my life and you know who you are!" Rachel sent a loving smile at Quinn who grinned back, bashfully. Then the brunette turned again back to the cast. "And I have to thank my former colleagues and especially Drake Fulton, our director for having given me the chance to play and be the Fanny he envisioned for two years. You made my dream come true and that is something that no one and nothing can take away from me again. Not even deafness," she smiled wistfully. "I also want to thank the cast for being such talented and wonderful people. To work with you was a special gift for me. It was a wonderful experience to help make Funny Girl become successful and I am truly glad that it is still striving." She nodded at Sandra to show her that she acknowledged her successor's works as well and quickly squeezed her hand, which made the woman smile gratefully. Then Rachel glanced at the award in her hands, lifted it up and smiled at the cast.
"Thank you! Thank you so much for this! And I'm very happy to know that this musical is still successfully running eight shows a week, is still making so many visitors happy and please keep pouring out your hearts on stage. I'm sure Barbra is proud of you! I know I am." Rachel weighed the medallion in her hand. "You guys are incredible!"
Turning back to the auditorium, she was surprised to find the audience standing while giving her ovations. It moved Rachel to tears and finally she let them fall.
"Good-bye Broadway," she whispered, but still everyone heard those words.
She would never have imagined that the final good-bye to her career, to her peers, to her voice would be so emotional and yet so rewarding. And never once she had thought it would be so official.
The audience knew that it was a good-bye for good for the great former singer. And most of them could imagine how hard it must be. So they stood up to give the actress, who despite her young age had already left a deep imprint on the business, her deserved final ovation.
Rachel bowed, signed thank you at the crowd and then slowly turned around. She caught Quinn still standing at the side below the stage, her hand on her heart, again displaying the same gesture she had shown before. I love you. Then she listened up and added with her hands:
Oh my god! They are playing your version of 'Where are you now'!
Now it was Quinn's turn to press her hand against her lips in order to hold it together. Peter wouldn't have known, he hadn't heard Rachel sing before, but Quinn would have recognized this voice everywhere.
Rachel frowned. "What?"
Quinn just nodded, pointed at her and swept her right hand forward from your throat, her index finger and middle finger forming a 'V'. Your voice.
Anna grinned, watching the exchange, guessing what it was about. She also nodded at Rachel.
The audience was still standing and clapping louder, many of them recognizing Rachel's voice as well. The brunette let her gaze sweep across the crowd, still amazed about the generous laudation they were giving her.
Sandra said something to her, while they slowly walked towards the exit. Rachel reached for Peter and pulled him close. She was aware that the audience was still watching, but she didn't care.
"Sandra, can you repeat what you just said?"
Sure. I hope that it was ok for you that we asked them to play your recording as well. We just thought it would be appropriate.
Rachel gulped. "Huh. Appropriate? I… I don't know what to say. I'm just so overwhelmed. I never expected this. Any of this. This is your show now. I... I don't know what to say. How can I ever... This must have been difficult for you."
Difficult for me? Sandra looked at her surprised. No. To be honest, it was an honor, she gave Rachel a genuine smile and a small squeeze of her shoulder.
Finally behind the scenes, the brunette couldn't hold back any longer. The tears flowed freely down her cheeks. Someone pressed a tissue in her hands which she gratefully used to dry her eyes. Peter had taken the award so she had her hands free for a moment.
After calming down again, she glanced around.
"Thank you. Thank you again. This … you made a dream come true, even though I thought for the past year this could never happen. I… I'm.."
Drake stepped forward and just hugged her. Peter handed Rachel's award to the person standing next to him, ready to interpret. When Rachel stepped out of the embrace, Drake looked at her.
You deserve this award. And I'm sure I'm speaking on behalf of the whole team here, that we are more than happy to have helped fulfill your last dream.
Rachel smiled. "Well, I have some new dreams," she chuckled, "but this one I will always hold close to my heart." She reached out and one of the singers pressed the award back into her hands.
Anna stepped forward and hugged her as well. Having met Rachel a couple of times after her accident, she probably understood most her former co-star's predicament.
They held each other for another moment before the cast dispersed slowly, all finding their way back to their seats. Sandra touched her elbow while she passed and smiled encouragingly at her and Rachel wordlessly presses her hand. She still needed time to digest all that was happening.
Anna held Rachel back when the brunette wanted to step to the side. Waiting until Peter had positioned himself right next to her, she then said:
We didn't know if you would come. We would have dedicated that award to you anyway, also if we had not won and I would have brought it to you. But this way it was more official. I only realize now that we put you in a possible awkward position, calling up on stage in front of millions of viewers.
Rachel glanced at the award in her hand. "It was indeed a little shock. Well, a big one actually," she laughed and Anna chuckled as well. "I didn't know at first if you really wanted for me to come up on stage. But I meant every word I said back out there and back here behind the scenes. I would never have expected this to happen or to ever receive a Tony." She laughed. "I never thought that the whole team really still thought about me. And that Sandra also possessed the good grace to actually present this to me. She got the job after all because I had to leave the show."
Anna nodded. She knows that. But just like in the sports industry, we all like a fair play in every sense of the word. To acknowledge someone's success and openly congratulate him or her without rancor shows real greatness for me. And this what Sandra did, it was all her idea. She went to Drake and together they asked the team if we were game. And of course weall were.
"It was Sandra's idea? Wow." Again Rachel was at a loss for words. She had never thought about how it would be to meet the woman who got her job after the accident. Not that she ever wanted. But now that it had happened, she was glad she had the chance. Understanding what kind of person the new lead actress was, understanding how caring the whole cast was, left Rachel with a deep gratefulness. Her show was indeed in very good hands.
This realization washed over her and with it she felt the final tethers loosen that had still tied her the show.
Rachel wasn't sure she was up to getting back into her seat, she was still so overwhelmed and full of emotions. Quinn found her backstage, just hugging Anna again, before the Funny Girl singer went back into the auditorium.
Hey honey! Congratulations! Quinn smiled and hugged Rachel, pressing a kiss on her lips.
You were so beautiful on that stage, so poised and true to yourself, really Rachel, you swept the audience away.
Rachel bashfully looked at her shoes. "No. I wasn't. They were probably just waiting for me to sound funny or speak strangely, whatever."
Quinn tilted her chin up and looked deeply into the brown eyes.
No. They were not. They gave you standing ovations, Rachel. Many had tears in their eyes. Realizing what happened to you and seeing that your former cast still cared so much about your performance moved all of them out there.
What they saw out there was a woman with courage, with strength and with dignity. You deserved this, truly.
She kissed Rachel again, sealing her words with that gesture.
"It's just so incredible that they really did that for me. Anna told me it was my successor's idea. I still can't get over that fact."
Quinn shrugged. There are still some people in the business who care, who follow their heart, no matter what others think of them. But those acts leave the biggest impact. Whenever you look at that award, remember that someone stepped out of her way to give this to you, remember that this person followed her heart, defying image, pride and unspoken rules. Always remember your heart as well, Rachel. Remember your dreams and remember that you can always be a person to help others make their dream come true as well.
Looking at the shiny object in her hands again, Rachel nodded. She thought about the kids she would take to the show, thought about Tom's project for which he wanted her help, thought about her friends and family and knew that this was not all about her.
Life was also about others, about helping others and through this act, also helping oneself.
At that moment Rachel understood her purpose in life again.
I know that actually a show is only eligible for a Tony award in the year it opens. However, I changed that rule for my story. Also I moved the announcement of nominations and the show itself forward a bit. I'm aware that the nominees are not announced earlier than end of April and the actual award show usually takes place in June. Then again, this story plays a little bit further in the future, so you never know…
For the specific Tony Awards presented to a Broadway production, usually awards are given to the author and up to two of the producers free of charge. All other members of the above-the-title producing team are eligible to purchase the physical award. Even though Rachel was not in the official cast anymore, they all pitched together and bought one for her, with her name on it and the official plaque that marked it as best revival musical.
*Sigh.* One more chapter left… Oh, I already feel so torn between relief and sadness! It's been such a great and long journey so far. Do you know that feeling, when you don't want a trip to end, but still you are happy to come home? That's how I feel. how fitting that I'm just sitting in the train bringing me back from Berlin to my hometown.
So, question for you … um… would you maybe be very disappointed if I did not take such a long break before continuing? Would it be very inconvenient for you all if I continued with the story rather sooner than later? Would it? Would it?
Anyway, I already have some ideas for a sequel, as mentioned before. If you would like to see something special happening (except Rachel gaining or not gaining her hearing back), send me your ideas!
Oh, and if anyone is volunteering for beta reading, let me know. After more than 70 chapters I have to relieve my brave beta Diannasbacon, I think.
Last but not least, sorry Coco, I couldn't help it:-) You just had to be included in here.