AN: This latest chapter took longer than I anticipated to complete. A severe bout of writer's block curbed any updates. Also, I know I promised this would be the dinner scene, but the muse wants what it wants. So this is more of a dinner adjacent scene. I hope you enjoy, and as always you feedback gives me life. Thanks so much.
FYI: "God Only Knows" (the Joss Stone version) is what broke me out of my writer's block. It had me up at midnight typing into my phone.
I.
The fire blazed just beyond the gate. Black smoked covered most of the sky making it hard to breathe. Chaos was all around Rick as he ran through the streets of Alexandria hacking the heads of every walker in his path.
"Carl," he yelled. Wetness flowed from his eyes. He didn't have time to wonder if it was a product of the smoke or the fact he couldn't find neither his son nor Michonne.
His trigger finger itched with the need for him to pull out his Colt to make an easier time of clearing out the undead. Fear of attracting more of the creatures that limped through the streets kept the firearm at his side. With so many residents running panicked through the streets, he also didn't want a bullet to accidentally hit one of the innocent.
"Everyone. Get. In. The. House," He yelled through gritted teeth. None of the long term residents were ready for an attack of this magnitude. His machete was raised high above his head as he leaned back to slash another walker when its head exploded. Blood and other unknown matter flew and clung to his skin. He looked up to see Sasha on the roof of his house with her gun and silencer. They exchanged quick nods before he made his way further into the fray.
An arrow flew passed Rick's head landing in the eye of a walker. Daryl quickly removed the piece of wood and reloaded his crossbow, taking down the intruders one by one. Abraham, with a gun strapped to his back, ran passed Rick with a knife in each hand. The yells of Maggie, Glenn, and Rosita were behind him as they tried to herd people back into their homes while taking out any walkers that made it passed the group up front.
Having finally reached the front gate, Rick saw the fire was closer than he anticipated.
"Dad!" He heard the voice of his son yell. He ran through the woods at full pace hoping he could avoid the fire. The top of his old Sheriff's hat was visible through the smoke near the abandoned house where he stashed his gun so many weeks ago. Adrenaline pumped through his body as he ran faster, hoping he wasn't too late to save his son.
II.
2 Hours Earlier
The steam from the shower clouded the bathroom with a dense fog. Rick couldn't see directly in front of him as he stepped out of the stall. Walking slowly he was stopped abruptly when he bumped into the counter. He wiped the condensation from the mirror and a blurred portrait of himself stared back. A light dusting of soft hair covered his face. The same razor he used the first day they landed in the community laid on the counter, but he placed it back in the drawer. He felt more like himself with the beard. Clean shaven Rick was a product of a past life. A past world. He placed both hands on the counter and leaned forward until he was nose to nose with his reflection. Bloodshot eyes greeted him. He was tired. Physically and mentally tired.
Sleep had finally overtaken him earlier when he fell into a short, restless nap. He'd awakened with a start sweating from a nightmare that had already become a lost memory in his conscious mind before he was fully aware of his surroundings. Panic overtook him when he realized he was alone in his bed. Grabbing his holster, he ran down the hall a second from yelling his little girl's name before he heard the sweet sound of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" coming from the kitchen. Michonne's voice drifted up the stairs. Rick couldn't help the wide smile that broke out onto his face. But it quickly dissipated when what he witnessed earlier came tumbling back into his head. He wanted to forget how she looked at another man with love in her eyes, but the memory had taken up residence and wouldn't be leaving anytime soon. He'd hung his head and made his way to the bathroom.
There he remained, trying to conjure up the strength to get dressed and get through this dinner. He didn't know what he was thinking when he agreed to it. He was never one for big sit down affairs. Even at the prison he usually ate after everyone else had cleared the cafeteria. He felt like he should be doing something more important, but he promised Jessie.
Jessie.
He didn't know why he'd gotten himself tangled in her life, but he felt like he owed her. With a deep exhale he left the bathroom. He passed Michonne's bedroom and he could hear Judith's babbling baby talk. Michonne was answering her as if the girl were asking real questions. Rick couldn't help but smile again. He placed his hand on the door to knock, but just as quickly pulled it away. He pivoted around and made his way to his own bedroom to get dressed. He pulled on his jeans, and the one good shirt he owned. He always felt like an imposter when he wore the white button down. His worn cowboy boots made soft indents in the carpet as he walked down the stairs to the kitchen. Pulling open the fridge door he was happy to see a couple bottles of beer hiding in the back. He popped the top on one and made his way outside. A sheet of white paper taped to the middle of the door caught his eye.
"Shit," Rick cursed as he stared at the neat handwriting on the paper, "As if this day wasn't bad enough already." He balled up the paper and clutched it in his fist. Sitting on the top porch step he let the cool liquid from the beer run down his throat. It felt good but did little to help his mood. His hand was squeezing the balled up paper so hard he could see veins popping out. All of the little scars that adorned his hands looked more visible. Some were battle scars and others were results of bouts of crazy. He leaned his head back against the railing and closed his eyes. He wondered if he would ever feel like a sane man again. Wondered if he even knew what that felt like anymore.
"You look like somebody shit in your coffee." A voice from the sidewalk caused Rick open his eyes. Daryl was standing there with two bottles in his hand.
Rick hadn't realized he was scowling. He didn't want Daryl to know he was questioning his own sanity again. "Deanna," He said simply, "I've been summoned to her house tomorrow for a debriefing. One of her lackeys left this on the door," He held up his hand to show Daryl the balled up piece of paper, "Didn't have the balls to knock and give it to me." He threw the paper to the side and took another drink of beer while looking at Daryl in confusion. "What are you doing here? I thought you were gone for another few days."
"Supposed to be. Thought I might be more needed here though. Didn't want to leave y'all short a man. Not like we got a big group of fighters here."
Rick scoffed. "Ain't that the truth."
"Got no more than 'bout five miles up before I decided to head back. Did find an old house though with a nice liquor stash. Came to share else I'll drink it all myself." Daryl walked up the porch steps to hand Rick a bottle of scotch.
"Well would you look at this," Rick said as he examined the bottle, "Just what I need." The beer wasn't up for the job of making it possible for him to get through the night.
Daryl took in Rick's neat hair and nice shirt. "Why you lookin' so fancy?"Nother party goin' on or somethin'?" He asked
"No, Jessie's coming over to cook dinner for us." Rick said almost embarrassed to admit it to Daryl.
"Jessie, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Ain't that kinda weird?"
"Everything about this fucking place is weird."
"You preachin' to the choir now." Daryl mumbled. "Michonne around?"
"Upstairs with Judith." And making herself beautiful for Craig. He wanted to add, but took another drink of his beer instead.
"Got somethin' for her too." He held up a bottle of red wine with a fancy French name. Daryl always thought of Michonne as the cultured type. He thought she deserved something classy.
Rick looked over at the other bottle in Daryl's hand. "Red wine, huh? Yeah that seems like her." Rick yawned, closed his eyes, and leaned back against the railing again. "You should stay for dinner. Carol's coming."
"Nah, I'll pass. Me and Carol ain't exactly buddy buddy lately."
Rick opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow. "What's going on there?"
"This act she's been puttin' on since we got here," Daryl shook his head, "She ain't even herself anymore. Always plottin' and baking cookies and wearing sweaters."
"Is it the sweaters that really have you perplexed?"
"Fuck you, man."
Rick laughed and took another sip of beer.
"Well, if it isn't Daryl Dixon." Both men turned their heads towards the front door as Michonne walked out with baby Judith on her hip. "You come back, drop people off, and leave again before you can give a proper hello to your family."
Daryl gave Michonne a one armed hug. He placed a kiss on Judith's forehead before looking back at Michonne with a shrug. "Hard to be here sometimes. People always smilin' and happy and shit. Like we ain't livin' in the end of the fuckin' world." He said
"I remember when a certain person told me I was always running away. But you know, shoe, other foot, and all of that." She winked at him.
"Hmph," Daryl grunted, but a corner of his mouth turned up slightly when Judith wrapped one of her tiny hands around his finger. He had missed his family.
"You should stay for dinner." Michonne said to him.
"I already tried to get him to stay. No dice." Rick said from his perch on the steps.
Michonne looked down at Rick. He looked tired and a little sad. She was worried; wondering why he was sitting out in the cold and drinking. "Well, I can be a little more persuasive than the average person." She turned back towards Daryl. "So are you staying?"
"Yeah, fine. Whatever." He handed Michonne the bottle of wine. "Picked something up for you."
Michonne smiled when she saw the bottle. "Vosne-Romanée, Domaine d'Eugénie," She pronounced in a perfect French accent, "This is a great red. I remember first drinking it when I visited Europe after college."
"Glad you like it. If I'm staying than I'ma need a lot more alcohol. What time this thing startin'?" Daryl asked.
Michonne looked over at Rick and shrugged. "Whenever everyone gets here."
"Aight. I'll be back."
"You better, Daryl." Michonne said and smiled when the man just gave her a dismissive wave in response.
She turned back towards Rick and noticed how he was staring as if he'd never seen her before. He let his eyes roam over her body not realizing he was practically gawking. She was dressed in a white sweater, black pants, and knee high black boots. Each piece of clothing hugged every one of her curves beautifully. Her hair was pulled up in a high bun. Eyeliner and touch of lip gloss accented her already beautiful face. It was a simple look, but she pulled it off like she was walking the runway in Paris. He absentmindedly tapped his fingers on his leg as he watch her take a seat on the porch step opposite him. He lightly kicked her boot with his. "Nice." He said complimenting her look.
She smiled over at him. "Thanks. Maggie is always finding goldmines of clothing stashed in different places." She positioned Judith in her lap. She had bundled her up in a little purple coat to match her purple shoes. "So, why are you sitting out here? Were me and Judith keeping up too much noise inside?"
He laughed. "No. I just needed a little air."
Michonne looked at him with concern in her eyes. Things were a bit tense when they talked that morning. She wanted to make sure the air was clear. "Are you all right? I was looking for you earlier. I was surprised to find you sleeping."
Rick shrugged his shoulders. "Guess everything is catching up to me."
"Probably so. You haven't slept for more than a couple hours at a time since the prison."
"Remember that old saying 'I'll sleep when I'm dead?' Seems appropriate nowadays. Who's going to watch out for us if I'm busy sleeping?"
"You can't do everything Rick. We're here to help you."
"Then why does everyone always look to me for every decision? Then look at me with blame and accusations when things go wrong?" He said as he rubbed his eyes.
Michonne watched as his shoulders slumped down. The heavy burden of being a leader was slowly wearing him down. She wished she could take all the pain and worries from him, but she knew the guilt that laid in his heart wasn't going to be easy to eradicate. "Hey," He looked up and locked eyes with her, "I don't."
"No you don't." He said while smiling at her. "You're always with me."
"Always." She said smiling back at him. He broke their gaze first, looking up at the roof of the porch then back towards the street. "But," She said claiming his attention again, "I'm also not afraid to tell you when you're fucking up."
"Yeah I learned that the hard way," He said while rubbing the back of his head in mock pain.
"Sometimes extreme circumstances call for extreme measures. Isn't that right, Judy Girl?" She said to the little girl as she tickled her stomach. Both Rick and Michonne laughed as the Judith yelped gleefully.
"Why were you looking for me earlier?" Rick asked.
"No reason in particular." She still wasn't sure what, if anything, he had witness between her and Craig. It was bothering her more than she wanted it to.
He could just make out the edge of the community lake from where they sat. People were walking over to it with blankets and picnic baskets and toys for the kids not letting the chill in the air stop them from enjoying the outdoors. He didn't know if he'd ever get used to the everyday normalness of the place. He always felt on edge and ready for war. "Carl used to tell me he wanted to live by the water after this one vacation the three of us took to Lake Burton. I guess a manmade lake in the apocalypse is as close as we'll get."
"Mike and I used to go to Lake Burton every summer. Maybe our paths crossed back in the day and we didn't know it."
"I think I would have remembered you." His mind went to images of Michonne lounging on the shore of Lake Burton while wearing a colorful bikini that complimented her beautiful dark skin. He could see her smiling and feeling carefree. Yeah, he would have definitely remembered her. When the picture changed to Craig lying with Michonne at the Alexandria lake he shook his head to purge the image. "I saw you." He whispered to her.
"What?" Michonne questioned. But she knew what he was referring too. She knew he'd seen her with Craig.
"I saw you earlier. With Craig."
"Oh...I..."
Rick waved his hand at her. "You don't have to explain anything to me. You looked happy. I like seeing you happy." If he couldn't be the one to make her happy he was glad someone could. It was hard for him to admit that to himself. "I'm sorry I came on too strong this morning. I was being an asshole. I guess I just care about you too much."
Michonne looked down afraid of what she would see in his eyes. Afraid of what he might see in her eyes. "Not possible. I'm glad you care."
Rick moved closer to her. They sat knee to knee; shoulder to shoulder. "Are you truly happy?" He asked her.
Michonne really didn't know how to answer that question. Happiness seemed like a luxury. Something that could be achieved maybe when they no longer had to worry about food, keeping their shelter and all threats were eliminated. She didn't know if that would ever happen. "I have moments. Lots of them sometimes. But true happiness? I don't know. Seems like a pipe dream." They looked at each other at the same time. Almost finding it impossible to avoid each other gazes for too long. "Are you?" She asked him.
Rick smiled sadly at her. "I think you know the answer to that."
She felt her heart break for him. She reached out and ran a hand through his curls. "Don't let the demons get to you, Rick. We've had good things happen too."
He closed his eyes, exhaled deeply, and opened them again. Her touch was sending shivers up and down his spine. "My kids alive and safe make me happy," He said, "Judith's laugh never fails to make me smile. Carl turning into a wonderful and brave young man in this world makes me more proud than I can say." He paused. "You make me happy."
She removed her hand from his hair and looked at him curiously. "What do I do to make you happy?"
"Just being you. I'd probably still be seeing thangs if you never showed up at the prison."
"You would have pulled through for your children."
Rick tilted his head to the side and back upright again. "I don't know."
"When was the last time you saw her?" Michonne asked referring to Lori.
"It's been awhile but," He looked up and down the street, "Invisible ghosts are everywhere around here."
Michonne let out a small laugh. "I said something similar to Abraham yesterday." They smiled at each other. Understanding each other. A comfortable silence overtook them.
"I just really want you to be happy, Michonne." He finally said.
"I want that for you too, Rick."
"Well, you deserve it more."
Michonne shook her head in exasperation. "We really need to work on your self- worth."
"Shane used to tell me the same thing in high school. I never thought girls liked me." He chuckled ruefully.
"That's the first time I've heard you say his name out loud."
"I've been thinking about both him and Lori a lot since we got here."
"The invisible ghosts," Michonne said, "Do you miss them?
Rick thought about the question for awhile before answering. "I think I miss having the comfort of a wife and a best friend that were with me for most of my life. I miss how simple and predictable that life was. But truth be told I didn't have those things anymore while they were still alive. Me and Lori were slipping further apart day by day. Shane was supposed to be my brother, but he treated me like competition. Like the enemy. Sometimes I wonder if he knew I was still alive in that hospital."
Michonne caressed his knee knowing exactly what he meant. "I missed Mike when I was still with him. He did things…he turned into a different man. One I didn't recognize."
"Or they were always like that and we just didn't see it before."
"Look at you with the psychological insight." She joked.
"I did take a psychology class once." He looked at her with a smirk that quickly turned into a frown. "I guess I kinda turned into someone I didn't recognize either."
"I still saw you. Deep down you were still there." Michonne nodded her head and lightly grasped his hand.
He answered by squeezing her hand tighter not knowing how she always had so much faith in him, but he was forever thankful for it.
"Jessie told me what you said to her." She said untangling their hands while angling herself to face Rick.
He raised both eyebrows in confusion.
"About how you wouldn't save anyone else like that."
He shook his head and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I don't know why I said that. I guess I was just trying to save her from Pete the best way I knew how."
"Do you have feelings for her?" Michonne asked cautiously not sure if she wanted to know the answer.
"No. I don't know. Probably not. I think I liked the thought of her. She reminded me of Lori."
"There's a comfort in the familiar." She said thinking about the afternoon she spent with Craig.
"There is. She always wanted to live in a place like this."
"This would have been my worst nightmare." She scoffed.
Rick smirked at her. "Really?"
"I was a city girl all the way. I was not one for minivans and soccer moms."
"Yeah, I can't see you with any of those things. You'd make a great mom though. I think this little one would agree." He said rubbing his hand across Judith's head. He looked up and saw Michonne had tears in her eyes.
"Hey," He said wiping away her tears with his thumb, "You okay? Did I say something wrong?"
Michonne shook her head. "No. It just means a lot coming from you." She wanted to tell Rick about Andre, but every time she was on the verge of spilling it all to him her lips locked up on her; not ready to share her private pain.
Rick didn't know if it was liquid courage from the beer he'd been nursing or the fact that he couldn't take seeing her cry. He felt almost like he was having an out of body experience as he leaned forward to kiss her on the forehead. His lips then kissed away the tears on both sides of her cheeks. Michonne could taste the saltiness when he finally met her lips with his own. The kiss was light and fleeting. He pulled away and stared into her eyes.
"It would never work with Jessie." He whispered while caressing her cheeks with his thumbs.
"Why not?" She asked. Her lips tingled from the kiss. Her whole body was in a state of shock of all that was happening.
"Because I love you." He was about to lean in to kiss her again when footsteps could be heard from people walking down the sidewalk. They pulled away from each other just as the footsteps stopped in front of the house.
"Hope you all are ready for lasagna," Jessie said as she held up the two foil platters in her hands. She gave Michonne a polite glance, but Rick held her full attention. He gave a quick glance over to Michonne then looked down. He scratched behind his ear avoiding the blonde woman's gaze.
"And casserole." Carol said. She looked between Rick and Michonne with a smirk on her face. "And look who we ran into." Craig stood behind Carol holding more platters with a big smile on his face, locked on Michonne.
"I think I've been put to work already." He said.
"Well lets get everything to the kitchen. Rick and Michonne you guys can stay out here. We'll get everything together." Carol said as she followed Jessie up the stairs and smiled knowingly at the two of them as she passed.
Michonne shook her head to break the spell Rick had her under. She stood up with Judith still in her arms. "No, that's okay. Come on Craig let me show you inside."
Rick stared up at her feeling the urge to pull her back down to devour her lips fully. Instead he nodded to Craig as the man passed by him. He stood up and moved closer to Michonne. He licked remnants of her sticky lip gloss off his lips. "I guess we'll have to finish this later." He whispered into her ear before taking Judith from her arms.
She nodded at him and touched her lips. She looked down at her fingers as if they had the answers to what just happened between the two of them. "Right." She picked up the bottle of wine and walked back into the house with Craig at her heels. She turned to look at Rick one last time before closing the front door.