Dirty, wet footprints littered the linoleum floor in the infirmary waiting area. The click of boots pacing was the only sound evident besides the muffled voices talking urgently behind the closed door. He stopped every few minutes to stare off into space. A steady stream of water, dripping down from his soaked clothes, formed tiny pools around him. Mumbled words started to fill the air. Michonne couldn't decipher most of what he was saying, but she caught a "Lori" and multiple "I'm sorry's." A helpless feeling washed over her as she watched Rick shed his fragile layers of sanity.
Wanting to do something, anything, to bring him back she stood and blocked his path as he started pacing again. "Rick you really need to get out of these wet clothes," she said quietly.
He looked at her in confusion, not processing the words she was saying. The grief and pain that marred his eyes were so strong she had to look away; all too familiar with what he was going through.
"You need to change your clothes." She repeated. Looking down at his hands she saw his fingernails still held a blue tint from when he dived into the frigid lake water. "We can't have you catching pneumonia." She said.
He shook his head while looking down at the floor. "I can't...Carl...I need to be here."
"Carol brought over some clean, dry clothes for you," She pointed to the neatly folded jeans and shirt lying on the chair, "You can use the supply room to change. You'll still be close to Carl. You're not leaving him."
The tears that had been threatening to spill for the past hour finally rolled down his face blending in with his already damp skin. "My son took a bullet for me."
"And the people behind that door are doing everything they can to save him."
"I should be in there with him. What if he..." Rick couldn't finish the sentence. The mere thought almost had him paralyzed in pain.
"We need to let them work without distraction." She took his hand to lead him down the hallway. "Come on. Let's get you changed."
Once they entered the supply room Rick just stood near the doorway seemingly not knowing what to do. Michonne took the initiative to start unbuttoning his shirt. She could feel the wetness soaked through to his skin. The shirt fell to the floor as she peeled it off his shoulders. With his upper body exposed, multiple shivers overtook him. He hadn't realized until then how practically frozen he felt.
Michonne found a towel on one of the shelves and started to dry his torso; hoping it would help warm him up. She moved to his arms avoiding the bandage haphazardly placed on his right forearm. Rick watched her closely seeing only the top of her head as she worked at taking care of him. Soon his eyes lost its focus as he mentally went back in time. Birthday parties, baseball games, barbecues, all the things he used to do with his son before the world went to hell. He used to question almost daily if he was a good husband, but he never doubted his love and commitment to Carl until now. He didn't know if he could call himself a parent anymore.
"I don't know why you stay with me." His voice came out in a hoarse whisper. "I'm no good to anyone. Shane said I couldn't keep them safe. He was right. Lori's dead. Carl was shot…," his voice broke, "again. I would have lost Judy if it wasn't for Tyreese."
Michonne stopped her ministrations and pulled his face down so she could look into his eyes. "Rick, that's your grief talking. You don't believe that. Carl's going to be okay," she raised her voice for emphasis, "He will be." She wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or herself.
Wordlessly his eyes bored into her. She could see his mind working in overdrive as if he was trying to solve a riddle. He finally looked up at the ceiling as he kicked off his boots and began to absentmindedly unbutton his jeans and pulled the wet garment down his legs. Michonne turned away to give him some privacy.
"You don't have to look away." He said after a few moments.
Michonne looked back over her shoulder and saw him standing there with the towel wrapped around his waist. His shirt, jeans, and boxers laid in a pile at his feet.
"I guess Carol didn't want to pick out any underwear for me," he said as he slid on the dry pair of jeans under the towel, "Won't be the first time I have to go without."
She smiled slightly at his attempted joke hoping it meant he was coming back from the brink. She watched as he slipped on the plaid shirt, but didn't button it. He sat on a folding chair to put his boots back on. He stopped with one boot in his hand and looked up at Michonne. His eyes had become glassy again.
"I really do love you. I need you to know that, but I understand why you don't want to talk about it, or say it back to me. I'm no good. Deanna said I lost my soul. I'm starting to believe her. The upstanding Sheriff from King's County would hate the man I've become."
Michonne walked over to him and kneeled down between his legs. She placed a hand over his heart. The iciness of his skin had started to dissipate leaving a slight warmth. "You still have your soul. I feel it right here."
He brushed one her dreads, that had escaped the ponytail, back behind her ear. "I don't deserve you. I'll hurt you too eventually."
She moved her hand to caress his cheek; brushing over the hair on his face. He closed his eyes to revel in the feel of her. "You're so much better than you know, Rick." They way he shook his head to deny her words caused a crack in her heart. Sadness radiated from every part of him. She leaned in a placed a soft kiss on his still cold lips wanting him to feel that she was still with him.
He clutched her free hand, tracing circles around each knuckle with his thumb. "Will you tell me about Andre?" He asked.
Michonne let out a deep exhale. She didn't talk about Andre. She told Carl about him, but didn't offer the full details of the pain and suffering she endured. But she and Rick were so much alike, always so in sync with each other; she knew telling him how she became okay would make him okay too.
"He was perfect," she started, "He was happy. Always smiling. He was the sweetest little boy you could meet. He was the light of my life, and I had to put him down. I had to put my sword through my baby boy's head." She paused to catch her breath. The weight of her words laid heavy on her as she relived the darkest point of her life. "I know what it's like to think you failed as a parent. When I was on my own I used to drive myself crazy with what I could have done differently. It took me awhile to realize that this world doesn't respect anyone. You can do everything right and still loose the people you love. That scares me to this day. It scares me to love you since we have so many people to keep safe. I didn't want anything to distract us."
Rick remained quiet watching as she got her thoughts together; knowing she needed to get this out uninterrupted.
"I used to be so mad at Mike," she went on, "Just going red with rage sometimes. I think that anger helped me survive out there for so long. But I realized that I can't blame him. None of us knew what was really happening. I can't be mad at those who couldn't adapt. He was so good to me; so good to Andre. I want to remember him that way. I want to remember how Andre used to squeal with glee when his father would spin him around in the air like he was Superman, "she smiled at the memory, "It still hurts. It will always hurt, but I know I'm okay now." She looked up to meet Rick's eyes. "You helped me be okay. I found a family to love again because of you. So don't you dare tell me you're not a good man."
Rick took the hand he was still clutching and pulled her from the kneeling position on to his lap. He buried his face into the crook of her neck. She felt so warm and safe he couldn't hold back anymore. His body shook as the tears flowed out of him. He cried for both his grief and hers. Michonne ran her hands through his still damp curls; soothing him, letting him get it all out. When he had no more tears left, he lifted his head. She wiped the moisture from his face. There was so much love in her eyes he had to lean in to give her a short and sweet kiss; taking comfort in the softness of her lips.
Michonne stood up, and wiped at her own eyes; not realizing she had been crying too. "Finish getting dressed. I think I can hear people talking in the front room. They may have some news on Carl's condition."
Rick held on to Michonne's hand like it was his lifeline as they made their way back to the waiting area. Craig and Rosita were just walking out the room where Carl laid; fighting for his life.
"Please tell me my son is okay." Rick said.
"Well there's good news and not good news," Craig said. "There's an exit wound so we don't have to do any surgery to get any fragments out of him. Rosita helped me clean the womb. The blood you gave for the transfusion helped. He may not need another one. Fortunately, we have a good supply of antibiotics. He's getting a steady drip of them from an IV. That will ward off any infections. Now the not so good news. It's not exactly bad news, but since he nearly drowned in the lake, a lot of water was able to get into his lungs before you pulled him out. I was able to suction out what I hope was all of it. There's no way of telling since we can't do an X-Ray. We just need to monitor him closely, and hope I was able to get it all."
Rick nodded and looked over at Michonne then back to Crag. "So you're telling me my son has a good chance of making it through this?"
"He does." Craig said. "You can go in and see him if you like."
Rick looked at Michonne again.
"You go ahead," she said. "I'm going to talk to Rosita then I'll come right in."
He squeezed her hand and walked into the room bracing himself to see his son laying unconscious.
Michonne waited until the door closed before turning to Rosita. "Did Abraham lock up Ron in one of the empty houses?"
"Yeah, it didn't take much work. Abe said the kid was pretty torn up by what he did. He confessed to stealing the gun from Rick's stash while everyone was distracted by the walker attack." She said.
Michonne sighed. "It's just a bad situation all around. I don't know how to fix this."
"Don't worry about it right now. Just be there for Rick and Carl."
Michonne nodded. "You're right."
"I'm going to go update everyone on Carl's condition." Rosita placed a comforting hand on Michonne's back before leaving.
"Is he really going to be okay?" She asked Craig once they were alone.
"I can't say with a hundred percent certainty, but he has a good chance, Chonney. I had to think back to all my training in med school and my internship. I hadn't worked with such a critical patient in awhile. We don't see much of this in dermatology. The doctor that was here before I arrived had a lot of medical books so I'm going to read up on flushing water out of the lungs. I'm going to do everything I can for Carl. I promise. I see how much he means to you. How much Rick means to you."
"They're my family." Michonne said.
"So go in there and be with them."
Michonne wrapped her arms around Craig. "Thank you," she said, "For everything. You're family too."
He hugged her back. "Like a brother, right." He asked with a sad smile.
She kissed him on the cheek. "You know I always wanted a brother."
Carl looked so small and pale lying in the hospital bed. Bandages covered his chest. The scar from his last bout with a bullet could be seen just below. Rick sat in one of the chairs staring intently at his son.
Michonne walked up to the bed and placed a kiss of Carl's forehead. "You have to wake up soon, kid. We never did get to talk about those new comics you had. We have to read them to Judy. She loves that. Especially when you change your voice for the different characters." She smoothed his hair from his head. "We need you. You can't leave us. I'm not going to allow it, and you know you always have to listen to what I say." She watched as his chest moved up and down in shallow breaths. She stood over him for awhile hoping for a miracle.
Eventually she took a seat in the chair next to Rick. Their hands silently found each other again as they willed and waited for their boy to open his eyes.
A/N – I hope too many of you don't hate me for the chapter before this one. Sorry to go all GRRM on you. Thanks again for the feedback. I appreciate it so much.