Chapter 9- Central Park
Robin doesn't believe it. All it took was one look at that stupid onesie to bring all those thoughts, inadequacies, feelings, and doubts to the surface. One. Stupid. Look. Here she is almost three years later sitting on the same damn park bench that she imagined those stupid kids of her and Barney's on. Back then, she had nothing. If someone would have told her three years ago that she would have her dream job and be married to Barney, she never would have believed it. Her life is perfect now. She got everything she ever wanted. But here she is, back on this goddamn bench again, crying over the fact that she can't have children. She thought she made her peace with this a long time ago. She did. She didn't ever want to have children, yet here she sits, crying about it yet again.
Now that she thinks about it, it really has been a while since she thought about what happened that fall. Yes, every once in a while she looks at Marvin and thinks about what might have been, about the fact that she and Barney would have a 2-year-old if things had been different. But she always thinks about it with a sigh of relief that they don't have a 2-year-old. They have a great life right now. They might not even be married if they had a toddler. And as much as she wanted to have a baby back then to feel that connection with Barney, she knows now that she didn't need that at all. They were fine all on their own, and they would be fine on their own forever.
But Barney just confused her with that damn onesie. It could never be. Her body closed that door. And she certainly didn't want to be a parent without being the one that brought the child into the world, without that child being half her and half Barney. Why couldn't Barney just accept that?
And that is when it hits her. She can't blame him. She never told him about not being able to have kids. How could she have forgotten that? They promised each other that they would never lie to each other, and that they would talk about their problems, and here she's been, omitting the truth the entire time, not telling him her biggest secret. She didn't even realize that he didn't know. She told Marshall and Lily when she was questioning Kevin's proposal, and she told Ted when she broke down about the broken engagement. She and Barney were barely on speaking terms at that time.
It seems so odd to her now that it was such a big deal for her to tell Kevin about it before accepting his proposal, and yet it never occurred to her to tell Barney. A part of her thought that one of the others wouldn't be able to keep their mouths shut about it. It was so stupid of her. STUPID. She brought this all on herself. Not only that, but she could have told him so many times, but she really thought he knew, so why rehash something that was bound to upset her?
She finds her mind wandering. What if Barney is right, though? What would it be like right now if she wasn't infertile? Would she want to be pregnant? Sadly, the answer to that question is yes. She would want to have Barney's baby right now. She would love for them to be a happy little family. But since she knows it is never going to happen, she can't imagine what baby of her and Barney's would look like, because it can never be.
She needs to stop thinking about it. She decides it is time to go home, face the music of her past mistakes, and apologize to her husband. She stormed out, and now he is probably worried sick. She really needs to get home soon before he has the chance to do anything drastic, because it is all her fault.