Chapter 10 -Mistakes Made

Barney has just drifted off to sleep on the couch when the sound of the door opening awakens him.

"Robin." he says worried, but trying to keep his distance because she was really angry with him earlier. He doesn't want to cross a furious Robin. She stands by the door, not quite ready to step down off of the ledge into the apartment yet.

"Hi," she says timidly, also not knowing where things stand between them.

"Where have you been?" Barney feebly questions.

"Nowhere," she dismisses with a huff as she steps down into the apartment to sit on the couch with him. "It's stupid."

"No, it's not Robin." He learned after the wedding debacle with Ted that when Robin says it is stupid, it really isn't. "Where did you go?"

"Central Park," she pauses, not sure if she wants to continue, while Barney gazes at her intently. "I've been sitting on a bench for the last few hours thinking about all of the things I've done and all of the mistakes I've made over the years." What mistakes? Barney braces himself for the worst. He wants to know, but at the same time, he isn't sure that he wants to hear what she has to say. He is so afraid it will break him.

"Robin..."

"No, Barney, hear me out here." He has to let her go, let her talk, even though he isn't quite sure where this is going. "I went to one bench in particular. It's the place I go, when I don't quite understand why things are happening to me, when I feel cheated." Cheated. But she feels cheated. She isn't saying she cheated. Oh God.

"What do you mean, cheated?"

"The last time I went there was a few weeks before we got engaged. It is a place I associate with a really bad memory." She starts to choke on her words, holding the tears back from falling down her face. "And I really haven't felt the need to go since we've been together. But today brought it back up, seeing that onesie again, I just couldn't do it."

"Robin, what do you mean?"

"That onesie reminds me of one of the worst moments of my life, Barney." One of the worst moments of her life. She is thinking about the whole cheating incident isn't she? They were barely speaking to each other when Ted stupidly showed her that onesie, without even knowing about the pregnancy she almost had. What he doesn't understand, is why that would be one of the worst moments of her life.

"Robin, I know that was a rough time. I've forgiven you. I love you. You can let it go."

"Its not about that Barney." So it isn't about that. Now he is just lost. "And this mistake I've made, I should have told you this a really long time ago, but I was never quite sure how to bring it up. Not to mention that we were barely speaking, and then you were with Quinn, and then when that finally ended I didn't want you to run away if I told you the truth, so I buried it in the back of my mind." He looks at her curiously. What mistake? What happened? He is too far invested to back away from the truth now. He needs to hear whatever she has to say.

"Bring what up? I know you were upset back then." She cocks her head to look at him, silently asking if he genuinely noticed. With all of the jokes he made back then, she honestly thought he had no clue that she was hurting at all. "I did notice you were upset. I could always tell when you were sad. I always assumed you did want the baby."

"I did." She did. She wanted his baby back then. "Which made it even more hard..." she trails off and breaks into tears. He wanted the baby too.

"It's ok Robin," he attempts to comfort her.

"No it's not," she admonishes.

"Yes, it is. Please tell me."

Robin takes a deep breath and speaks cautiously. "You remember the week we went into the doctors and we found out I wasn't?"

"Yes, I do." Of course he remembers. It was one of the best and worst moments of his life, all at the same time. Yes, she wasn't pregnant, and part of him was grateful for that, but that other part of him was upset that they didn't create something that was a part of them.

"Do you remember how I said later that week that I couldn't be a pole vaulter?"

"Yeah?" What did pole vaulting have to do with any of that? He always wondered where pole vaulting came from. He knew it wasn't about pole vaulting. He always assumed it was that she did want the baby.

"I lied," she admitted. It is the first time that she is admitting to anyone that pole vaulting was just a cover. And somehow, it feels ok now, because it is Barney.

"Good, cause I didn't believe that pole vaulter story one bit. I mean who wants to be a pole vaulter? Seriously?"

"It was the first lie I could come up with, ok? Will you let me finish?"

"Sorry." He really doesn't want to do anything that will make her recede and hide more inside. "Go on."

"I got a call from the doctor asking me to come back in. They told me..." The tears were now spilling over her eyelids, but she still tries her best to hold back the sobs. "They... they.. told me that I can never have a baby."

Barney can't believe his ears. He went from thinking he was going to be a father, to never being able to have it in a split second. It is one thing to not want a baby, but to Barney, being told he can't have something makes him want to have it even more. Oh my god. This is what Robin went through back then, and again today. Why did he have to be so stupid?

"Robin," he utters as he pulls her close, tears welling in his eyes. He loves her, and there are other ways around this if they do want kids, but he loves her just the way she is, with or without children. After all, until this morning he didn't really care about having a child. "I love you so much. This changes nothing. I don't care if I only get to spend the rest of my life with you, I love you and nothing, not even this can ever change that, ok?"

She nods her head yes, and turns her head to wipe her eyes on his shoulder. He spends a few minutes consoling her, as they both shed a few tears about the future in each other's arms. Then it occurs to him. Everyone else knows. This is what the warnings from them were about.

"Wait." Barney says. "Who else knows about this?" He wants her to say that he was the only one that didn't know. He needs to know if he is the only one that really did not know.

"Hmm?"

"Does Lily know about this?"

"Yes."

"Marshall?"

"Yes."

"Ted?"

"Yes."

"Why am I the last to know?" Why is he the only one that didn't know? Why didn't she tell him too? He needs to know why she thought she needed to keep this from him.

"That's why I said I made a mistake. I should have told you a long time ago. I just didn't want you to walk away from me like Kevin did." The picture was finally clear. Yes, she loved him and never really felt anything for Kevin, but he never really knew the reason they broke up, and he knew that Robin wouldn't have confessed her feelings for him that early in the game.

"That is why you and Kevin broke up?"

She nods, confirming his suspicions.

Barney stands in stunned silence. He literally has no idea what to say to that. He is hurt that he is the only one that didn't know. She even told Kevin. He needs to get away from this, so he retreats into his shell and changes the topic of conversation. He knows it is unhealthy, but he needs this right now in order to not go off the deep end.

"Do you want dinner? It's cold now but I can warm it up."

"I'm sorry Barney. I wish I could go back in time." She senses that he is retreating because of all the information he just learned, because of her mistakes. She doesn't want to see him do that. She hasn't seen him retreat like this in years.

"It's right here, waiting to be eaten," he interjects, walking over to the kitchen and moving around the food. He does want to talk about it, but he needs some time to process his thoughts on his own before they talk, and dinner is proving a worthy distraction.

"Barney, can we continue this conversation?" Robin pleads. She needs to know what is going through his head. It is like he went back 10 years to the Barney he was when she met him, the one that would put on a mask and never share any of his feelings. She is infinitely concerned and worried for his safety. She has no idea what he could possibly do if he doesn't talk.

"Seriously, dinner?" He stares at her, pleading with his eyes for her to just drop this whole thing, at least for tonight.

"Will you just talk to me about this?" The look in her eyes tells him there is absolutely no way she is dropping this.

"What more is there to talk about?" Maybe it will work to tell her that he needs some time. It really isn't unreasonable, and it has been the day from hell for him.

"I don't know how you feel about this." She desperately needs to know how he feels, even though she guesses it isn't good.

"What more is there to say? I can't do this right now. This has been an emotional rollercoaster of a day. Nothing that happened today changes how I feel about you, I just need some time to process this all, okay?"

"Okay." Robin relents. It really isn't the worst thing to give him some time. She knows he is thinking about it. She gets it, really. She did the same thing, which is what got them into this whole mess in the first place. "Let's eat."

"Before we eat, can you promise me something?"

"I guess." She wonders what he could possibly want from her now.

"Can you go to the doctor? There is something wrong. You might not be pregnant, but you should not be sick like this all the time. I am worried about you."

"Fine. I'll make an appointment tomorrow," she acquiesces as she sits down at the dinner table. Barney brings the food over and joins her.

"First thing tomorrow morning," Barney insists.

"First thing tomorrow morning," Robin agrees.

"I just want you to be ok."

"I know. You're right. I want to be ok, too."

"I love you, Robin."

"I love you, Barney," she says to him as they begin their long-delayed dinner.