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Don't Give in to that Feeling
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II – Give my head a drink
"Tonight?" He felt the lump in her throat as if it were his, a knot he wanted to untie and leave undone at the same time. As if anticipation was a life choice, anxiety and excitement lost in the definition of them. Numb and choking when she wasn't around; discovering that feeling anew when she was.
He nodded, never breaking eye contact with her. "Tonight."
"Give me your phone." She extended her hand between them.
He cocked his head to the side and took it out of his pocket. "I have your number, you know?"
She yanked it from him and turned the screen on. "When do you want to…"
He enjoyed the surrealist scene before him. Donna Paulsen was at a loss for words. She usually finished sentences; it seemed his charms were operating and he couldn't feel happier. He'd done it before of course – he remember how he took her to Nougatine or when he brought her flowers for one of her show's closing night. But she'd never seemed this vulnerable. He didn't even remember her this vulnerable twelve years ago. "Meet me downstairs at 7. Is that okay for you?"
"Seven?" She shot him a wide look as if he were a delusional man. "That leaves me 5 hours to –"
"You don't need to change–"
She placed his phone against his torso. "You have no idea," she stressed, "what it's like to be a woman."
"No," he gently pulled her hand away and took his phone back. "But I want you not to overthink or analyze this."
"How do you expect me to…" she sighed and he felt transported by the way she set her teeth on edge. Annoyance couldn't look sexier. "Let me rephrase that, you have no idea what it's like to be me."
They were still close. He didn't think he could let her leave his office. "And you have no idea what it's like to be me, waiting for you to leave this office."
"You're thinking about kissing me again, is that it?" She parted her lips instinctively; she was opening up a door and it took all the might inside of him not to come inside and slam it shut behind them.
"I'll pick you up at seven," he took a step back, looking cocky. "Not seven o one, not seven o two…"
"Oh so now you don't trust me to be on time?" She raised a brow and all he wanted was to close that distance again.
"I was talking about me." He rubbed his neck.
"Right…"
He walked back to his desk and saw her leave from the corner of his eye. He pulled at his collar and – feeling reinvigorated with oxygen in his lungs, fresh air cooling off sweat, he walked back to the door again and watched her. She was walking the main corridor like a runway model, tall with curves, not proudly swaying her hips the way she usually did but it didn't matter because she'd said yes. She wasn't the only one who was afraid. He let out a breath held for too long and saw her bump into Louis.
He could tell he was questioning her about something; the questions seemed to turn into light accusations for a moment. And then as if on analytical overdrive – his usual self, really, Louis, tiptoed and circled around her like a transvestite ballerina and eventually narrowed his eyes toward him. He was marching his way.
"Oh shit," Harvey muttered and closed the door behind him.
Louis barged in a moment later. Harvey was sat behind his desk again, pretending to work.
"What's going on Louis?"
"What did you do to her?" The name partner was a man on a mission. He wondered how evasive Donna had been.
"She's fine, Louis." Harvey knew it wasn't a good sign when he used his name twice in a row. This could get ugly.
"I misread her glow. That never happens or maybe it did… sometimes. But that's not the point. The point is I asked her a bunch of questions but she had no sass!" Louis paused, arms up in the air. "She wasn't quick-witted and she said she had a thing that would lead to another thing and kept stumbling on her words. So let me repeat my question, what did you do?"
"Think of this way. If Donna didn't tell you, it means she wants to keep this private, right?" Harvey lay back in his chair.
"I'm following you so far." He looked unconvinced but allowed him to continue.
"Who would I be if I went behind her back?" His gaze dropped to his own knees.
"You know what Harvey? I don't care. You don't want to tell me either, that's fine. I just hope you didn't just make a big mistake because I've never seen her this way. And you've pulled a lot of shit with her in the past."
There was no point in angering him more. Years of struggle with Louis had taught him that what this man despised more than anything was to not feel included. So he took the best course of action possible. He told his friend the truth. "I asked her out on a date."
"You… Seriously?" Louis stood with mouth agape at the revelation.
"Yes."
"This is… this is…" Louis kept repeating and Harvey clasped his hands behind his head.
"Take your time, Louis."
"Did she say yes?" He blurted out.
"She did."
"This is Donna…" Louis rubbed his neck.
"Yes.
"What brought this up?"
"Louis…"
"Okay, fine. Don't tell me but seriously Harvey, are you sure about this?"
"Why is everyone asking me that? Of course I am," Harvey sat up straight again.
"And by everyone you mean her, am I right? Because you just told her so that means you didn't tell anybody else."
"What do you want me to say, Louis?"
"I want you to promise me that she isn't just a rebound."
"This is Donna!" As if saying that meant everything when it in fact just put him in a world of shit because he couldn't mess this up. This was it.
"Says the guy who screwed my sister and dozens more and never called them back." Louis was treading on a thin line.
"I regret the way I ended things with Esther, Louis. But Donna is…"
"Different, I know." Louis held his stare – annoyance and a hint of understanding in his eyes. "Harvey… Donna's not a woman you go out with. She's the woman you marry."
Harvey didn't have to digest this. It had been on his mind all along. Nevertheless, hearing it from Louis made it all the more real.
"If you hurt her, Harvey, God be my witness, I'll–"
"Stop it with your empty threats. I want this. She wants this. We're too fucking grown adults, here!" Harvey's patience was diminishing rapidly.
"You slept with her once –"
"How do you know that?" Harvey's words overlapped Louis's.
"And asked her to work for you the next day–" There could be no victor.
"She made that decision for me, Louis!"
"You should have said something then! Why now? Why not wait another year? Or another decade for that matter?"
"How do you know she and I slept together?" Harvey walked up to Louis, fists all too ready.
"Because I was mad at the lot of you, lying to me about Mike, so I tested her friendship. I figured this was her deepest… secret."
"You had no right." His jaw twitched.
"Yes! I had no right!" He almost sounded ecstatic. "But this woman has always shown nothing but the deepest love for you."
"Why do you think I want to be with her?"
"Why did you wait until now?" Louis crossed his arms.
"Because I was afraid!" Harvey was the only one shouting.
"And aren't you afraid now?" Louis raised a brow.
He wanted all the things he'd toss at Louis to just bounce back at him and rip his heart out. Because the truth of the matter was that Louis was right. He was afraid. The adrenaline he'd been feeling was just the tip of the iceberg. He was like a captain aboard a ship, ready to set sail to anywhere with her. He'd celebrate their wedding himself, he'd make love to her in his cabin; and yet those sails could fold under a storm, wrapping them in a shroud. Sails, ship's wheel, cabin and sheets would be gone with the capsizing ship.
"Get out of my office," Harvey let out, sharply.
Louis nodded and turned to leave. But the financial advisor couldn't leave without speaking his mind apparently. "Make her happy, Harvey."
Harvey stared at the door for a moment. Anger subsided at the realization that Louis had just tested him, his resolve. He'd dug deep. His reaction spoke volumes – clenched fists, tensed up muscles and a reflection in the mirror he didn't want to see. He was right there, in the eye of the storm – crushing waves approaching slowly to drown them both.
Robert barged into his office. "I heard a shouting match? Is everything okay in here?"
Harvey gulped and averted his gaze – trying to hide the discomfort he felt in his eyes which were probably bloodshot at this point. "It's fine. What do you got for me?"
II
Harvey's response to Louis's accusations was to drown himself into work first and have a drink before the date, second. Meetings were over. He had a couple of files to look into but wasn't feeling like putting another hour into them.
He'd been eyeing the bottle of scotch on the console table for some time. His limbs felt numb. His head weighed a ton. He regretted being dependent on a feeling that was creeping up inside of him, tearing at his organs and breaking his heart in two. Anticipation had forsaken him while dread and looming fear had taken over. His office seemed so dark that the night sky couldn't act as a ticking clock anymore; it wasn't enough to remind him that he was supposed to be downstairs. He wanted to give his head at least two more drinks; enough to find some courage again.
He poured the glass and was about to drink it when he heard her come in: "Don't you dare, Harvey."
She sounded pissed. He turned around, glass in hand. He wanted to drop to his feet at the sight of her. She was wearing that sleeveless black dress with a plunging neckline she rarely wore these days. An undefiled dress he wanted to soil with his need. Yesterday's dress, today's dress and tomorrow's dress were part of his fantasy. And it had permeated through the years. He walked towards her and spilled some of his drink. "God, Donna, you look–"
"Don't." The warning was deaf to his ears.
"Beyond words…"
She shut her eyes briefly. "Put that drink away."
"Can't a gentleman get a boost before–"
"It doesn't look like it's your first boost tonight," she cut him off.
"You got me, it's my second glass." He gulped the whole thing and set in on the table.
She looked like she was fuming.
"You didn't have to come all the way up here; I was gonna join you in a minute."
"Harvey, it's almost 7:30."
"Shit." He slapped his hand on his head.
"And don't say you're sorry."
"But I am." He tried to bridge the gap between them but his honesty wasn't enough to prevent her from taking a step back.
"Why am I not surprised?" She huffed.
"You know I want you, Donna." He reached his hand out to her and she rejected it.
"Apparently you don't want me enough to do something as stupid as taking me out," she let out.
"You were right!" The drunken look on his face was replaced by a complete state of defeat. "I don't know how I feel about this. I'm scared I'm gonna mess this up."
"You're unbelievable. You got me to open up and to agree to something I've been wanting for years." Catching hell, he felt her tirade strip him of his skin. "I bought new shoes that are killing me. You made me want to find the perfect dress and hope with freaking butterflies in my stomach all afternoon!" She was about to cry. "And now you're telling me you've lost your shit?"
"I'm an asshole," he admitted. It wasn't the booze. He'd made the decision not to.
"Yeah, you are!" Her piercing stare showed so much contempt that he didn't feel himself capable of holding it. "Every minute from this minute now Harvey are going to define the next steps in our relationship so I suggest you make a decision now."
"This is you and…"
"Wrong choice of words." She took her heels off and exited his office. He followed close behind her.
"Donna, wait!"
She didn't answer. He thought about grabbing her hand to stop her but noticed she was taking her earrings off. "Date's over Harvey – not that there was even one in the first place."
"It's because of Louis, I–"
She entered the bathroom and closed it in his face before he could finish. He sighed and opened the door slowly and locked it behind him. This was their conversation, he couldn't prevent people from eavesdropping but he didn't want anyone to barge in uninvited.
"You know there's practically no one left at this hour, right?"
"It's not even 8, Donna."
She'd placed her pair of shoes by the sink and was rifling through her purse.
"I don't care, Harvey!"
He watched her reflection in the mirror. She soaked a cotton pad with make-up remover. She started with her lipstick. "Then why bring it up?"
"Because I'm mad, Harvey," she let out. "Don't you get that?"
"I do." His face went numb and not the beauty of her, body bent over the sink, curves he'd only so much as glanced at could bring him back to the state of happiness he felt earlier that day.
"I should be married somewhere to some guy with children by now…" she sighed before proceeding to wipe more of her lipstick. "But no! My life's choice has been to wait for you."
He fidgeted in his spot and hit one of the restroom doors with his foot.
"That's very mature." She was already soaking another cotton pad. She still had some lipstick left on the side of her mouth.
"I know I made the wrong choice tonight. I won't make it again." He stood with his back to the restroom door he'd just hit, chest heaving with the effort of suppressing the punches he knew he could pull; words she didn't deserve that would make him feel better.
She turned around and moved closer to him. "I need to use the restroom."
"Pick another one." With the high heels gone, she didn't look as bossy. The height difference did something to his masculine ego.
"I want this one. It's the one I always use."
"And you call me immature?" He crossed his arms.
"I guess we're both too immature to be in a relationship then."
His arms slipped free. "Donna, I made a mistake. I'm sorry."
"I need to use the restroom." The tears were almost there – forming in the corners of her eyes.
"No, you don't," he shook his head, never breaking eye-contact.
"Move out of my way." She held his stare.
Harvey didn't budge.
"Fuck you, Harvey." She headed for the bathroom door and unlocked it. He wanted to go after her, stop her from leaving. But she was right. He'd been acting like an idiot. He didn't even have the decency to leave her in peace. He closed his eyes – feeling the alcohol he'd drunk kick in. He would have fallen asleep in his office at some point hadn't she shown up. It was what he'd been looking for after all; mess things up and go back to wet-dreaming to the idea of her instead of going all in. One of them had to but he'd done a one eighty again.
He felt something pull him out of his thoughts like a hand yanking at the hem of his suit jacket, forcing him to bend down. His eyes burst open and he found her face closing in on him, her lips brushing the corner of his lightly, searching him. She pressed herself up against him and before he knew it, he was being kissed, hard and deep, with an urgency that made his body tremble. She had reached up and pulled him down to her. The hard cold door behind him felt like a mattress and she was asking for the weight of his body to be on top of hers. She was making him groan in her mouth. The need to taste her lips back, rubbing his tongue against hers resonated low in his throat. He grasped her fist, the one she'd knotted in his suit and circled his other arm around her waist. She'd stolen his breath only to give it back. And she felt wonderful.
DGF
DGF
And that was chapter 2! I hope you liked it. I guess I couldn't let go of the angst completely. Hit me with your reviews. I write for them and you know it. ;) If you haven't reviewed chapter 1, please don't hesitate to do so!
I would like to thank my wonderful friend, the beta to my alpha-self (who can't write Intersextion because of me *cough*) Alternateshadesofblue. You owe me two reviews by the way! 3