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Don't Give in to that Feeling

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VI – Deciphering the codes in you

Harvey woke up to the sound of the entire house coming down the stairs. He ran both hands over his face and rubbed his neck. He wondered if Donna was awake and in the kitchen with the rest of her family. Morning routine embedded in his brain, he stroked his length, scratched his balls and was reminded of how difficult it had been for him to sleep that erection off. He deserved a medal for it.

She had been the highlight of everything. Sure, joint and booze had been on his side but she wasn't so out of it, was she? Euphorically prepared, blissfully unhinged and clearly in want of him by the end of his attention to her; she didn't have to be on her own. He'd made it clear she had him. But he wasn't going to stand and wait for her to pleasure him to get even. He had to get that message to her even if it hurt both sides.

The living room doors burst open and Donna's almighty and rarely-challenged grandmother showed her face. Wearing the black with splendor, she indulged in saying proper words at least.

"Good morning, Harvey. I'm sorry to wake you but we're all taking turns to get ready. The service starts in two hours."

He was going to say he was fine, his hand glued to his crotch – sudden movements a risk for his 15-year-old self. Nanny definitely had that effect on him – she could be his granny after all.

"Good morning. Do you want me to get ready before breakfast or –" He sat up straight the moment she turned to close the doors.

Surprised by her action, he asked: "Was there something you needed?"

"No, don't mind me, I just need to grab Jim's favorite book." She walked up to the bookcase on the wall opposite him.

He didn't know how to bring up the fact that he was only wearing boxers and that he needed the kind of privacy any 40 plus year old guy deserved.

About a minute or two were spent in silence. Harvey stared at the woman before him. She'd put her glasses on and went looking through most shelves.

"Do you need any help?" Harvey asked. He didn't want to help her, he was barely wearing anything. Idiot.

"No, but have you thought of ways to help my granddaughter besides sneaking up into her room late at night–"

"How did you–" Shock couldn't describe how he was feeling.

"Only to leave afterwards by the way. What kind of gentleman are you, exactly?"

Shame kicked in for a moment, but then it passed. Nanny was old but she was still a woman. She'd seen it all before.

"I'm… I'm…" Words just wouldn't come. What was she implying exactly? He got her granddaughter off but he couldn't let her know that.

"You're so in love with her you would do something as stupid as leave her bedroom. Men are still impossible even in the 21st century. I'm glad I won't have to suffer through that anymore. Act like a man, Harvey. Don't be the hero. That's not who she deserves."

He was getting annoyed. She was supposed to be old and wise but that didn't mean she had the right to judge him.

"Are you saying I should be the anti-hero? Someone who'd take advantage of her?"

"Shape the poet in you, Harvey. Make her notice you. Her father was the first man of her life. Be there for her today. But then… start doing your job and become her last."

She was right about one thing. He was irrevocably, unapologetically in love with Donna. And had been madly so for thirteen years.

"Nanny!" Harvey heard the door being jerked open and saw Donna coming in wearing the blackest dress he'd ever seen her wear. No shadows would fade away because there couldn't be any. He wondered if high above her Jim stood, watching over her, thinking he'd given birth and rise to the most beautiful woman there was – no matter the circumstances or the pain.

"What are you doing here?" She sounded accusatory. She'd barely given a glimpse his way.

"Found it!" Nanny picked a book – he realized she could have picked any at this point; the reason behind this intrusion had probably nothing to do with Jim's favorite book.

Nanny started heading to the door and Donna gestured for her to hand her the book. "What's that?"

"Your father's favorite book."

"You were at his section, Nanny. All the books in there are his favorites." She hadn't said 'were'. Thinking outside the past tense was probably one of her most hidden defense mechanisms.

"I want to read this at some point. I have trouble sleeping."

"And it just so happens you needed it now while Harvey was still using the room."

Her grandmother took a moment to think. "And what are you doing here? Coming to pay your boyfriend a visit?"

"That is not–" Aghast Donna couldn't finish her sentence.

"You look beautiful. Your father would be proud." Nanny gave her granddaughter a kiss on the cheek and then winked at him. "And by the way, next time? Close that window for her, will you?"

Donna flushed when her grandmother walked past and closed the doors behind her. Donna tried to compose herself and locked the door.

"At least she's still got good hearing." He had to make joke. His heart was far from shallow about her at that moment. He hated his own defense mechanism.

She approached him. "I don't think I can do this, Harvey."

"What are you saying?" Terrified was how he felt. On the verge of suffocating.

She sat down next to him. "I want to stay here with you."

He felt his body relax but he could tell he shouldn't. "I'm supposed to go to the cemetery too, you know?"

She stood up suddenly and threw up her arms in the air. "I'm asking you to stop me from going."

"I don't understand what's going on, Donna. You're not making any sense." He got up too and soothed her back.

"What's going on is that I want to be with you right now."

"You are with me." He caught her chin to make her look at him. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I want you to make me forget again." She turned to him and sucked on his lower lip.

"Listen, last night was–"

She looked smothered by something that went beyond the limits of what people could take. Fear of abandonment probably. Vulnerability had gotten rid of that glow he'd seen on her when she came last night, and had replaced it with dullness.

No matter how hard she was trying, all he could hear was lack of vividness. She was falling apart. "I want last night all the time, Harvey."

"Donna, I want it too but that's not–" She'd put her trust in him again; misplaced it for sure when she came full on, open-mouthed, the gap covering him from lower mouth to chin, working his jaw so that he couldn't help but part his lips. There was no limit to her might in what could only be described as the most aggressively sensual sexual kiss he'd experienced. Her hands felt strong, grasping the back of his neck and head. No thick air between them; she desperately wanted him – scratching her mouth against his morning stubble. She wanted to ache. She wanted to feel through him. He didn't think there ever was a man who could say no to Donna Paulsen in that state. He broke the kiss to look at her.

Attractiveness was a synonymic word to his eyesight. She was dead-gorgeous with her eyes fluttering and her mouth still open. It seemed she wanted him gone with her; asking him to fall into that darkness. There were no makeup fixes for her red eyes. He placed a lock of hair behind her ear and kissed the spot right above her nose. She searched his lips again, fumbling between his jaw and bottom lip. He felt languid against the softness of her harsh mouth. Lips pulling him in for another devastating sensation. Haunting him not to stop. She smelled like a million perfumes and tasted like the sweetest hell. No one ever said it would be so hard to love someone. How much did she want to risk – her sanity? His? To have something just like this?

"Is fucking our brains out the answer to surviving today?"

"Yes."

"To make you forget?" he asked, forcing her to think in between kisses and strokes against his bulge on her part.

"Stop talking."

She kissed his neck, hiked up her dress, crouched and used his hips for support to get down on her knees.

He hated this, he didn't know what to do. She wanted this. And who was he to say it was all for the wrong reasons? How was what he'd done last night right? She was the love of his life, he didn't want anyone else. No other hands to his waist-level; no other mouth finding his groin. She lowered his boxers and freed his erection. His eyes rolled at the back of his head when she grabbed him and took him at the base, sliding her fingers up and down his length. She licked the bluntness of his tip before taking him into her mouth; his foreskin being pulled up and down by her hand as she went. He hadn't been able to stop it. Reciprocating the pleasure he'd given her last night. She was honest about it. She cupped his sack then and he throbbed at her touch. She was heading for oblivion, bringing him along for the ride. He clenched his fists and then grabbed her arms to pull her back up. He kissed her again, accepting her haste, rushing to outrun her pace and make her pant against him – depriving her of oxygen seemed to be the only way to stop this. He grabbed both her wrists and held them steady. She panted against him, exhausted and turned on. Flushed beyond repair. Looking slightly annoyed at his dominating self.

"Stop," he mumbled into her mouth. But she wouldn't stop. He felt her smirk against him, biting his lower lip the way he didn't want her to.

He slowed eveything down, trapping her mouth into his completely, lips squished until it became hard for her to reciprocate.

"Please, Donna. Stop it." And then he saw them stream, down on her face. Ranges of emotions encapsulated in the most terrible flow: pain, abandonment, grief, shame, acceptance and the humiliation he was partly responsible for.

He let go of her wrists and pulled his boxers up; all traces of exposed carnation gone. Bearing witness to the look of hurt on her face hangs on one deeply egotistical question: how long would she stay mad? She was Donna. She would forgive him in the end. Right? He noticed how tense she looked. She was probably clenching her jaw to suppress anger or more tears. All pride, resolve and pretenses gone. It was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do: telling her he didn't want her. He was expecting insults but none came. So he risked cupping her cheek but she took a step back. Survival instinct. His refusal the worst of offenses.

"Don't touch me." Her tone was soft, deprived of hate. He didn't think she could hurt him more.

Morning started off pretty great. Nanny's words stuck in his head like a disease to the sick. His weakness for her taking over him only to get kicked out of the way by his rationalization. He'd tried his best; between being here for her and then not. Within a moment she was out of his sight, doors had been burst open and he realized he hadn't succeeded. How could he be that man for her?

VI

Anger swelled in his guts. He'd spent the better part of the funeral searching her eyes. He wanted her to look into his – see how he desperately needed them to talk about what had happened. It didn't matter how selfish he was. This was them. On the outs. And he wouldn't have it.

Although the Allens were Catholics, Jim Paulsen was Presbyterian. The minister, Father Dane was his name, spoke in metaphors. Empty canvases that needed to be painted with life again as sheets were laid down over the dead. He talked about how Jim's legacy was the kindness he transferred upon his daughter – many other adjectives were used to describe how Donna took after her father and how she and her mother would continue to remember him. This was obviously Nanny's doing. She had organized the funeral with her son's help after all. She had a say in everything that was being said.

Donna had changed her mind about going. After a long, painful shower and as soon as he had donned the black as well, he realized she hadn't mentioned her doubts about going to her family. He'd gone to meet them all in the kitchen. Everybody was ready to go so he offered.

I'll drive you.

She'd said no to going to the cemetery with him, barely glancing his way. He'd insisted.

Donna, I really want to drive you there.

She pretended not to hear him. Obviously, her family hadn't said anything about the tension between them. Ice queen through and through – he was a shape in that kitchen, limited in form and not even remotely desirable in the face of increased attention. They'd gone to the cemetery in separate cars. Jane had come along for the ride – probably feeling sorry even though she hadn't brought up the tension between him and Donna. She was a classy woman.

Donna was wearing sunglasses like most family members except Nanny. Solid and feisty; there was no caving possible on her part. The sun was about to shine and he would get to shield his eyes from her view too.

The more he stared, the more she felt out of focus – too tired to hurt, inner struggle misplaced and his will vanishing. He shifted his gaze from Donna to nearby graves. Sunken old grave with a cracked headstone; this was what would become of Jim's grave someday. His. Donna's. Maybe their kids' if there could even be a 'them' after the stunt she'd pulled and the wordless face-off he'd given her.

He couldn't tell how long he'd been staring at these graves, thinking life was pointless without someone to share it with. He'd shared most of his adult life with her in a way but it all felt incomplete. He thought about his dad. And how he felt the world dead on him when he passed away. Claiming it was okay when it wasn't. His father dying was brutal but it meant nothing compared to having to face his mother. What Donna was going through felt similar. Only with her it seemed exaggerated, aggravated and pain misguided. He couldn't blame her for any of this. Their situation was unhealthy specifically because she wasn't feeling well; but also because she had no time to analyze where they stood romantically. As sad as this truth was, sadness couldn't wreck him as much as not having a plan had.

Almost everyone was gone besides Donna and her immediate family. Done with placing soil in the grave, Donna's mother joined him, her strut similar to Donna's; she wasn't as tall as her daughter but she had the same grace about her. He could tell she was just like an effervescent tablet, ready to dissolve, leaving a trail of bubbles behind her. He was about to get trapped in that swirl.

"He wasn't the greatest businessman but he was the greatest of men."

"I'm truly sorry for you loss." He was. Even though he didn't like to sound repetitive but her words against Donna couldn't justify any comfort from him.

"I know what you think of me. Of the way I treated Donna last night." Of course the conversation would switch to her relationship with Donna.

"I felt like I was surrounded by kids at play."

"Next week's park day. I feel like you've been invited too many times before but never showed. How strange is that?" Her voice was low, her stare heavy. Uncoordinated and clearly, overstepping boundaries. She really embodied the bitter side of Donna and the full extent of her cut-throat repartee.

She was hinting at his relationship with Donna. The sleeping arrangements had led to the nastiest conversation he'd witnessed in a long time. He wasn't about to let her have the upper hand again. "You acted like a bully to her."

"Are you suggesting families aren't supposed to be complicated?"

"Not when you're burying a husband and father." He kept staring at Donna. She was watching attendees putting soil on the casket.

"Holly… Do I look like a therapist to you?"

"No, but I know you dated yours." So Donna had told her. Checked.

"When did she tell you?"

"This morning when she came crying into Nanny's arms. You were taking a shower."

He gulped. His privacy invaded more in the span of two seconds than he thought possible. But Donna hadn't crawled into her arms. "So eavesdropping, spying on people…" He couldn't finish that sentence. It was so Donna of her to do just that.

"She has this hole in her heart you know." And then she'd deflected. Only it felt too serious to trifle with. But he was mad. Mad at himself. Mad at Donna but most of all, he was mad at the woman whose husband had just been put in the ground.

"And you clearly helped her with that." He huffed.

"I don't know what's going on with you two and I certainly don't want to know."

"Good call. It's none of your business." Somehow he knew she was about to make it hers despite his warning.

"She's been in love with you for years. You ruined her for anyone else."

"I ruined her? Can you hear yourself right now?"

"I should be mad at you. But I can't," she sighed. "I mean, I don't even know where you stand."

"Where I stand is with her. And despite what you may think the time she and I shared – working together, being friends – was precious to me. Every goddamn moment of it. But she had a rule about dating in the workplace and I just… I didn't fight for her and moved on instead." He shook his head before adding. "And it was this close to being too late when I realized life had moved on without us."

"Well I guess she ruined you too."

"I didn't say that to make you think you're even the tiniest bit right about being angry at her."

"Harvey… I'm angry at her because..."

He wasn't about to stop her from spilling the beans.

"Because she didn't want to be like me. I told her to pursue you but she would hear none of it." She rested her hand on his shoulder. He didn't refuse the gracious touch. "She didn't push you to be with her like I did with Jim."

"What do you want me to say, Holly?"

"Love her." There was this distinct notion of infinity in her choice of words. Her tone soft as she'd said it. No sarcasm whatsoever. This plain truth echoed how forever they were.

He stopped her from leaving, grabbing her arm. "It won't be enough if you don't apologize to her."

She averted her eyes from him. This could be the end of a long ordeal. Even if he got nothing out of it, at least Donna would. And it was all that mattered to him. He watched her walk away before focusing on Donna again. She was staring at him, seeming annoyed. She looked like she was sighing and clenching her jaw.

The casket was being lowered down by the cemetery service workers. He wasn't fervently religious; he wasn't sure if he believed in God most of the time. But he kept on cursing his name on most days so maybe he wasn't too far gone. He said goodbye to Jim in his head, promising him he'd take care of his daughter but that he'd stay away from her if she asked.

What he'd been hoping for happened. Donna was walking towards him, taking him down to another kind of paradise – connection. She went to stand next to him and brushed the back of her hand against his. Whether this was intentional or not, he didn't care. It was there and he felt himself away from those graves, utterly alive again.

"I thought… you… didn't want to be near me." His own voice surprised him; his tone was uneven and perceptibly shaky.

Her answer was somehow not so different from what he'd expected. "What did my mother say to you?"

He knotted his fingers through hers. She gasped at the touch.

No rejection.

"She said that you and I are bound to be a sight to see." He kept staring aimlessly at her dad's grave; or the epitome of everybody's end and his had to be with her.

"She saw me crying this morning, didn't she?"

He panicked – always feeling that in-between closing in on him. Why get lost in things that didn't matter and dive headfirst in that bottomless ocean? Choosing to sink in favor of confusion; their dysfunctional selves brought about by loss and the sense that they'd always end up alone together. Words were futile at this point. Conversations useless. Apologies unnecessary.

"I love you."

He lowered his head towards her and watched her looking at their hands, entwined; all from the corner of his eye he noticed how she could be once again be the stability to his tremoring self-esteem.

"I know," she said barely above a whisper. "I love you too."

Maybe she had to be the one with a plan.

And that was chapter 6! Hope you liked it! And yes it was shorter than the last one but I thought you'd want a quicker update. Hit that review button and let me know what you thought! Already began writing chapter 7!

I'd like to thank my OBFF/beta ashadesofblue who's working on her own fic. You'd better read it when she's done! It's a season 8 fic that's gonna rock your world especially if the show doesn't (which I know will somehow, I still have faith, no hope but a lot of faith! Yeah, I know you can't really have the one unless you have the other but I don't care, I could write an essay on how to separate both but I won't because I'm not that smart.)

I know I haven't replied to you guys individually bc I've been quite busy and I probably won't but I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your reviews, I read them constantly to keep me writing. I'm so thankful for those you have no idea. So again, thank you for taking the time to review.