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Don't Give in to that Feeling

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VII – I won't ever be your cornerstone

They'd admitted to everything. Her hand was burning his but her eyes were digging beneath the surface of him, ready to call him on his bullshit to some degree. He'd still rejected her and he was waiting for the moment she'd break again. Specter couldn't play the woman; Harvey was too lost in her to try. His brain was so fucked up he was still hoping she'd overpower him and think of ways to lead them back onto some righteous path. His heart, however, was set on riding out that wave – holding on to her hand and love. He'd give up New York, the firm, anything for her at this point; even being a lawyer if that meant he could bury himself in the crook of her neck every second of every moment awake, kiss her pulse point, feel her alive underneath him and flat out fall in love with her every day.

Nanny and Holly came their way, breaking the moment he didn't want to see end. There was another woman with them – a petite blond who looked about Donna's age.

"Honey," the blond came forth and hugged Donna. His fingertips discovered void anew.

"Jennifer…"

"I'm so sorry about your dad." They kept holding each other's' hands and all he could think about was keeping hers safe in his again.

"Thank you." Donna managed to say. "Are you coming to the reception?"

"I am." Jennifer kept glancing between him and Donna.

"I'm sorry, this is Harvey." Donna introduced him with a wave of her hand. Former boss? Colleague? Friend? Best friend? What about boyfriend?

"Hi," he shook Jennifer's hand but said nothing of their status.

"And he is…" Jennifer did it for them anyway.

Donna looked at him, gulping and then back to her grandmother. He noticed Nanny mouthing something akin to 'future husband'.

"He's my… my partner." Donna revealed. This was the greatest kind of undefined. He hated this. It could mean everything and nothing at once. Fuck the English language. He thought about adding context to her answer but the lack of hand holding metaphorically advised him against it. Her answer seemed to have been enough for Jennifer anyway.

"Okay, I have to go back to the car. Jake, my husband, is waiting for me. We'll arrive soon. You and I need to catch up." Donna nodded at her friend although something seemed to have rubbed her off the wrong way.

"Mom's feeling a little tired and I think it's time to go, Donna." Holly was holding Nanny's arm protectively.

"Dan and Jane are taking us home," Nanny added. So that was it. They were making the decision for him to drive Donna home.

"Don't take too long," Holly finished and gave Harvey a glare that said it all. Whatever they needed to talk about, it could wait according to her at least until the day was over.

"Screw this. Give me your keys." Her tone was adamant.

"Are you sure you want to drive?" He reached for the keys in his pocket.

"I'm not sure of anything anymore."

VII

"Are we going back down South now?" He had to ask. She was driving them on the opposite direction.

"We're not going back to New York if that's what you're worried about." She was focused and didn't seem bothered by his permanent stare.

"I think the speed limit sign said–"

"Are you really gonna question my driving now?"

"No." His eyes went back on the road. He pursed his lips and added through gritted teeth: "Partner."

He could feel her narrowing her eyes at him. It was a quick angry glance but at least she had graced him with a look.

VII

"What is this place?"

She stopped the car down a small hill on the side of the road.

"Ready to climb?" She asked before exiting the car.

"Are you?" He unfastened his seat belt and joined her. "With these heels?"

"You'll be there to catch me if I fall, right?"

"Have you gone–?"

"Mad?" She chuckled. "See that path over here?"

He nodded.

"It leads to a couple of stairs that will make it easier for us to reach the top." She walked towards the beaten track he then realized looked like a hiking trail. He wondered if she'd used that 'ready to climb' line before. She sure had him fooled for a moment.

He groaned, caught up to her and grabbed her hand just to be safe. If she'd shivered at the touch, it probably was for a split second because she didn't stop her ascent.

They reached the top, walked past several lines of trees and eventually reached a cliff. The sight was breathtaking to say the least and yet, it didn't look natural; it seemed human made.

"I take it there is a reason why we're at this… lake."

She was staring in the distance, her fingers still entwined with his. "This is Whitney Point Reservoir."

"It looks deserted. Raw. But the view's amazing." He nudged her elbow. "Want to run down that cliff?"

She smiled. It was for him even though she wasn't looking at him and he loved it a thousand times more than if she had. "You're an idiot. I'm not falling for that."

"Totally safe. I've done it before." It wasn't. It was suicide. But a good way to make her smile again. "I can carry you if you want."

"You better not."

He cocked his head. "I know you want me to."

"I don't," she stated. But it made him want to do it even more. He moved in on her and started pulling her to him, his arms circling her waist. She rested her arms on his, gripping each elbow.

"Harvey…" she warned him. She felt so good against him.

"Okay, I won't," he began. "As long as we can stay like this… for just a moment at least."

The proposal felt somewhat indecent after what had happened in the morning. But she never pulled away.

She bobbed her head in the direction of the lake. "I used to come here with my dad. He liked fishing and I liked watching him. I used to go for a swim here during summer when the weather was clement enough. And then we lost the house and this became our safe spot. I used to take Nanny's car to meet up with Dad here. You know when he used to pretend he had too much work to do during the summer to stay with us in Cortland."

"So, this was like a secret rendezvous – except with your dad."

"Who says I didn't have other secret rendezvous?"

"You must have," he brought his hand rolled into a fist to his mouth and coughed. "Borrowed Nanny's car a lot."

"She knew about my boyfriend. She just didn't know when it was Dad I was meeting."

He arched a brow, relaxing at the easiness of their conversation. "Who was he?"

Her eyes met his. "Jake… Jennifer's husband."

"And you didn't know." He stroked her lower back.

"I didn't." She lowered her head.

"And this bothers you," he stated matter-of-factly.

She pushed him away. The movement so sudden he figured he'd said something wrong. "Really, Harvey? You think I brought you here so that I wouldn't have to see Jake?"

If he considered himself above her mess before, he felt pulled into it then. He was like a teenage boy whose girlfriend had cheated on him. "Well, you quickly changed your mind about going back to the house."

"You're impossible." She was fidgety, her steps leading nowhere. "I just buried my dad, Harvey."

Teenagers fought their way out of reason; it took two to play this game.

"Didn't stop you from doing something crazy before." This fight couldn't have been fairer. And yet deep down, he knew it wasn't. This was harsh and low.

"Oh, so I'm crazy now?" She turned to him, index finger pointing upward; her furious stance meant she'd reached her breaking point. He'd be treading on thin ice from this point on.

"You're not crazy," he tilted his head to the side, apologetically.

"You reject me in the middle of a blowjob and now you're acting jealous?"

"I didn't think it would be a good way to start the day."

"It would have been for me." She crossed her arms and rubbed her shoulders.

"It wouldn't have and you know it. You said it yourself. You wanted me to help you forget. Well that's not how I see our relationship developing, Donna." He took both her hands in his, forcing her to look at him. "What you're feeling right now is normal. You're grieving. I know it. I feel your pain and I want to make you feel better."

"So the little stunt you pulled last night… was that because you pity me?"

He licked his lips in annoyance, his eyes darting upward. "I feel like we've had this conversation before. I don't pity you. I wanted you to feel something other than pain for a moment."

"Well, congratulations, Harvey. You're a sex God. Only a little too fucking tragically Greek for my taste. Seriously, you getting me pregnant would have been the better outcome. Mom would've waxed lyrical."

His jaw thrusted forward. "I didn't want to take advantage of you."

"And I fucking wanted you to." She was out of breath. "You love me but you don't really want me. This is me and if I'm not enough for you as I am–"

"You are, Donna. You're way above and beyond enough."

"Then why did you make me stop?" She shouted.

"Because I didn't want you to stop!" The words had jumped right out of his mouth, ending a journey which had begun his heart, the throb of it insatiable; more than physical.

There was fire burning in her eyes, mirroring his. Now she knew how he was mentally pounding her every moment he was with her. Now she knew the extent of his weakness for her.

"Because I want you all the time. Because my brain so messed up that I want you even when you're at your most fucked up. Because I want to make your pain go away. Because I want to be there for you all the time." He paused and licked his lips. "Because I regret taking so long to accept my feelings for you."

"Accept?"

He was hugging his bones and skin. "I just told you how I feel about you and that's what you single out?"

"I've known how I felt about you all along. I never had to accept them. They just were."

"What other way is there to say these things? I've had them all along too but there was your rule and then I thought you wanted to move on and–"

"So this is my fault."

"That is not what I meant. You're taking things out of context again. Why do you do that?"

"Am I some sort of second-hand next best choice to you?"

"Donna..." He placed his hands on her shoulders, slightly pressed down before trailing them up to her cheeks, brushing one with his thumb. "I don't know what to say to you anymore. It's like you're trying to push me away."

As if to ward off danger, she jerked her face away. "Don't say anything else. Just take me home." She tossed him the keys. "You're driving."

VII

The car ride had been silent except for a few words exchanged over directions to take.

She'd slammed the passenger door shut as soon as he'd parked.

"Donna…" he tried calling after her but she was back inside the house before he could close the door of the fucking car.

He opened the front door and stumbled on Dan.

"Hey, Harvey, I just saw Donna. Where have you been?"

"We were just… she needed some space."

It seemed to be enough for Dan. "Understandable. Listen, I need a couple of bottles of wine from the cellar. Can you go grab them for me?"

"Sure," he sighed and headed straight for the cellar.

A few minutes later, bottles in hand, he saw her walk down the stairs. She was gripping the banister, two steps above him at least. He could tell she'd removed her make-up; eyes red either from the product she'd used or tears. He couldn't help it, he had to say something. "Donna, can we talk please?"

She brushed him off and headed straight for the living room. This would be a long afternoon.

VII

He'd been drinking a few glasses of wine. Not enough to make him feel better. He'd watched her talk to acquaintances, many of them offering even more condolences and very likely reminiscing about Jim. He could tell there were some people she didn't want to talk to. The living room was filled with drunkards at this point. Oddly enough Holly didn't seem to be drinking much. She hadn't spoken to her daughter. Not even once. He took it upon himself to change that. He joined them by the window.

"Holly, can I talk to you?"

"Of course, Harvey."

"This way." He tilted his head and she followed him to the study.

He didn't close the door and spilled the beans, knowing fully well Donna would notice them talking. "You have to talk to Donna. She needs to hear what you told me."

"I don't know, Harvey. She doesn't want to talk to me." She took a sip from her drink.

"Well, she doesn't want to talk to me either right now and I get the feeling that I'm only half responsible."

"Okay."

"Good." Harvey nodded and watched her walk in the direction of Donna only to realize this didn't seem to be the right approach either. She'd seen her mother walking up to her and had darted out of the living room to God knows where in an instant. Holly turned around and had a look of defeat across her face. He felt for her. But most of all, he wondered if Donna could come around despite a face to face with her mother. He went over the table tray and poured himself some whisky this time.

Half an hour or more went by and he'd been introduced to several people by Jane and Nanny. The later kept calling him Donna's boyfriend. It tasted bitterer than the whisky soaking his tongue and buds. Donna hadn't shown her face for quite some time. He used all the restraint he had not to go look for her; she needed the space.

He wanted some distraction to cut loose. Dan was moving around like a waiter at this point so he asked him if he needed any help.

"Yeah, sure Harvey. Need red wine. Can you go grab me a couple of bottles of St Emilion?"

"Frenchin' it up, I see."

"We have great taste in this house," Dan teased.

"I'd rather have Scotch than Bourbon."

"A man after my own heart."

"St Emilion, gotcha."

He reached the hall and hesitated to go check if she was in her room for a minute. He must have looked so sheepish. He hated being this pathetic.

He heard noise coming from the stairs leading to the cellar. Donna. Laughing. She was with a man he'd seen next to Jennifer. Was this Jake?

The laughter cut short as soon as she noticed him.

"We haven't been properly introduced, Harvey Specter. Donna's boyfriend." He extended his hand to the married man.

"Jake Davenport," the man shook his hand. "I'm Jenny's husband."

"And my lovely redhead's ex," he said bitterly. If looks could erase people from existence, it was the intention behind hers.

"Well," he turned his face to Donna and offered her a smile. "We dated for a while." The man had definitely shrugged off the sarcasm intended behind his words. "That was… wow… something like twenty-something… years ago."

"He used to sneak up to my bedroom through the window." Low blow. She never averted her eyes from him. Was she that intent on making him jealous? He hated the way they were acting towards each other: teenagers; maybe blood-sucking creatures. Who would have the strongest bite?

"Donna I don't think–" Jake began but he certainly didn't want to have to listen to him. The interruption game was one of his favorites during depositions. Why change your tactics? Why change who you are? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

"Funny, is this why you left your window open last night? Did you need to reminisce about something?" Nasty and on point; this was his kind of deposition.

She stormed off and rushed upstairs like Donna – only thirty years old younger.

"Hm… Listen Harvey, we just met downstairs, I didn't meant to–" The entire scene was beyond uncomfortable.

"I know Jake. I'm an ass. We've had a rough couple of days. You were making her laugh and I just snapped. I'm sorry."

Jake nodded and said: "Jennifer must be waiting for me. I'll see you later."

"Actually can you do me a favor Jake?"

"Sure."

"Can you go get some from the cellar? Dan needs more bottles."

"Yeah, no problem."

"Thanks."

He didn't think; he went straight to her room and banged at the door like a mad man. "Open the door, Donna."

"Screw you, Harvey." He heard her say from behind the door.

"So he gets to see you laugh but I don't? What am I to you? Some sort of puppet?"

"You had to jump in like that. The day I buried my father."

"What does burying the dead mean Donna, huh?"

No answer. Therefore he continued. "It means grieving, letting people in so you can talk about it. Deal with it like you did earlier at the reservoir."

"And then you got jealous over Jake!"

"I didn't. All I said was that you learning that he got married to your best friend bothered you."

He didn't hear her for a moment. Maybe this was getting to her somehow.

"It just reminded me that I never married… I'm just like my mom said. And I..."

He placed his hand on the door almost protectively as if he could soothe her through it; reach out to her once more.

"… just don't want to end up alone, Harvey."

"All you've been doing for the past two days is try to put us in the ground. Why?"

"Do you think it's easy? For me to trust you? You've been going behind my back, talking to my mom–"

"First of all, she came to me at the funeral."

"–thinking you can work your magic on her? You think you know her? Her love doesn't matter because I'll always be some sort of failure to her."

"Second, your mom was showering in boozing until you arrived. She hasn't since you've been here."

This had the effect of stopping her rant.

Fifteen year old Donna didn't have repartee, he realized. She was daddy's little girl. She wasn't sassy. What made it even worse was the fact that he'd acted like a jealous fifteen-year old too. Only he'd acted like it whereas she was reenacting those years – impersonating her younger self, somehow reliving the whole thing under this roof; and definitely missing her dad more than she had at the time. That explained Whitney Point. This day was a never-ending nightmare – taking her back to her teenage self. And she was unable to endure it like an adult; for her favorite adult was gone.

"Maybe it's a sign that she wants to say she's sorry about her behavior towards you," he finished.

She was silent again. "Open the door, Donna."

She didn't. He licked his lips, his fingertips almost digging into that wooden door. "You know… I don't want to end up alone either."

He sighed and thought about all the times he could have done things differently. How he could have prevented this hadn't he chose that precise moment to ask her out on a date; exposing himself and the idea of them to her. The impasse they were at didn't feel like one. This was a combination of factors – him asking her out, her losing her dad and family ties that were fragile. But her father could now rest in peace, grieving would take time but at least she could set herself on that path. Her mother was another issue. But there seemed to be light at the end of that tunnel. He rushed down the stairs as quickly as he'd come up.

Nanny was waiting for him downstairs. "Where are you going in such a hurry?"

"Nanny, do you have any plans for tonight?" Why was he so out of breath?

"We're having dinner with some of the guests," she paused, eyeing him suspiciously, "but if you have other plans…"

"I do. Thank you, Nanny." He kissed her cheek and asked, "Where's Dan?"

"I think I saw him in the backyard, exiting the cellar… again. I wonder how many bottles are left…"

"Definitely not enough for what I'm about to do," he smiled. He was beaming and he didn't even know if she'd say yes.

He left the house and checked the tree by her window. How that guy could climb up there, he had no idea.

He asked Dan if there was a ladder somewhere.

He would never be her cornerstone but he could still be her anchor.

VII

He placed the rusty metal step ladder against the wall, the tip of it reaching just a little under her window. He'd asked Dan to stay and hold it still. He started climbing up, feeling wobbly on his legs. He could stare at the New York Skyline for hours but climbing wasn't his strongest suit; the house was huge and that damn window all too high. He kept staring back and forth between the ground – he'd estimated at least 9 feet beneath him now, and her window. A little over half way there; 4 feet to go, he kept telling himself. He breathed in and out loudly, trying to get rid of that fear of heights.

She must have heard him and the creaking sound coming from each step because she opened her window. She stuck her head out. He couldn't rely on the element of surprise anymore, simply because it was happening all too soon; he thought he had a couple more steps to think things through. It drove him round the bend.

"What the hell are you doing, Harvey?"

"I'm still wondering myself actually." He half closed his eyes, the ground was way too far.

"Is this because of what I said about Jake?"

"Do you think he could tell me how he did it?"

"He never did you idiot! I was lying. Dan, why didn't you tell him it was dangerous!"

"He wouldn't have listened to reason. Besides this is the highlight of my day!" The bastard was grinning but somehow it didn't make him feel like a fool. Harvey joined him on the laughter.

"Stop laughing, Harvey and get down now!" Was she scared he might fall? He certainly was but she didn't need to know that.

"I didn't come all the way up here to stop." He climbed up the last couple of steps. He was going too fast and suddenly slipped on one of the steps.

"Harvey!" She practically screamed.

He thought his heart stopped, even more so at hearing her frightful tone. He thanked his good grip on the rails, his upper body strength and God all at once. He held on tight and placed his foot back on the step.

"Careful Harvey," Dan began.

"Almost there." A couple more steps and he'd finally set his palms flat on the edge of her window.

He noticed her reaching her hand out to him.

He shook his head no.

"Just get in here, Harvey." She signaled for him to take her hand and use it for support.

"Not until you agree to go out with me tonight."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Do you really think today's the day I want to go out with you?"

"I know it's not."

"What about a month from now?"

"A month from now and then another one and then it'll be a year. I don't want to wait another decade." He placed one his palm against his chest and said. "I'm willing to dig up my own grave here but I know I won't have any regrets."

"You acting like a drama queen isn't gonna work!"

"I was hoping you'd say you weren't ready to lose me but I can work around that."

"Dan? I think I got this now," he spoke loudly and peeked at Dan.

"Dan you better not get your hands off that ladder!"

"Sorry Donna, I can hear Jane calling me."

"She didn't!" Donna's frightened look was becoming so adorable he almost forgot he was 14 feet above the ground.

He was probably gone now and it was just them.

"You think you're funny? You're playing with death even though I just suffered through a huge loss."

"There's nothing funny about death, Donna." He hated having to be serious again. But she had to understand where all of this was coming from. "And trying to forget is just as twisted as this situation is." He noticed her gulp.

"This is just a ploy to get me to agree. You know this isn't right."

"Did I say it was?"

"Harvey…"

He wasn't going to get away with this unless he did something drastic. He sighed, fisted the rails with more strength and started shimmying; this made the ladder wobble. "I think I'm gonna fall."

"Grab my hand you Goddamn idiot!"

He moved faster until he sensed he was reaching his own demise. She jutted forward and grabbed each rail. "Okay!" She paused and he stopped fidgeting. "I'll go out with you."

"Tonight?"

She briefly closed her eyes and nodded in agreement. He grinned like an idiot and climbed through the window, using the ledge as support. She took a couple of steps back to let him in.

"Okay one more time," he began, leaving barely inches between them.

"I'll go out with you."

"With feeling."

She cocked her head to the side and pursed her lips. "Don't push it."

"If I hadn't, we wouldn't be standing here." He cupped her cheek and brushed his thumb against the corner of her lips.

"You're really not gonna make this easy on me, are you?"

He smirked and mimicked her posture. "You know me too well."

She tried to suppress a smile but failed miserably; and it was only for him to see this time.

DGITTF

DGITTF

And that was chapter 7. We're nearing the end fangirls! Next chapter will be the last. Don't hesitate to review previous chapters, especially if you liked them and then review the hell out of this one! I'll try to do right by you guys and give you a big finale!

I'd like to thank my OBFF / BETA Alternateshadesofblue for her constant support, surgical interventions and inspiration (THE LADDER WAS MINE THOUGH). Thank you for taking so much time away from your wonderful fic called Hyper Focus. Is it a Sci-Fi fic? ^^

I'd like to thank, again, all the people who reviewed so far and everyone on Twitter. You've been so supportive of this unexpected fic. And I'm really grateful for it. Don't hesitate to send me PMs or DMs on twitter if you feel like I've been neglecting you in terms of individual thanks.

(pimpin' note) Next chapter coming up soon! Hit that review button. ;)