Chapter 30- Learning to Knit
A/N: I want to apologize for being late with this update. I've been having some personal issues and between time and moods, I haven't been able to write like normal. This is a dramatic fluff chapter too. I hope it is worth the wait.
"Hey. Sorry I'm late," Tracy says running in the door to the bedroom.
"It's ok. It's not like you are going to make me late for anything," Robin jokes.
"I stopped at the bar and got to chatting with Ollie. I haven't seen him in a while. We were catching up about the baby," Tracy explains.
"You mean the bartender Ollie?" Robin asks.
"Yeah."
"That's great. How is he doing?"
"Great. He loves running MacLaren's now," Tracy informs.
"Awesome." The thought of Ollie just makes Robin miss the bar, so she quickly changes the subject. "So how does this work?" she asks. "We get some string and knot it together?"
Tracy giggles and rolls her eyes. Typical Robin. "Let's start off with the basics," she says while kicking off her shoes and climbing on the bed, dragging the comically large bag with all the supplies along with her. "It's called knitting, the string is called yarn, and it's knitted together, not knotted." Robin rolls her eyes. "Are you sure you still want to do this?"
"Yes," Robin moans. "I am bored out of my mind. Watching B movies and crappy cable is only fun for so long."
"Point taken." She fumbles around in her bag and pulls out a few items. "I thought the easiest thing for you to start with would be a simple blanket. It is all the same stitch, and you certainly have enough time to finish it."
"Sounds good."
"This is the yarn I brought you," Tracy says, handing the pink roll to Robin. "When the whole thing is together, it is called a skein."
"That's a funny word. Skein," Robin laughs. Tracy looks at her disapprovingly. "Sorry. Go on."
"All you really need is the skein and knitting needles, which I have here." She hands them to Robin.
"Those don't really look like needles," Robin points out.
"They don't," Tracy answers. "They are just called that. I picked these specific ones because they are connected and easy to work with for the first time, but they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes."
"Ok, what about this yarn," Robin says, grabbing it off of the bed. "It's so soft!"
"It is yarn specifically made for babies. I got pink. I hope you don't mind."
"I don't. She is going to have as much pink as she can," Robin declares. "Well, except for the walls. Barney thinks it might mess up 'the Fortress'," she motions with air quotes as she speaks, "if we paint the walls of the nursery. Not to mention he still has to get his suits out of there."
"What is he going to do with them all?" Tracy questions.
"I'm not sure yet. I think that is why he is being slow in moving them," Robin answers.
"Wow, Barney giving up his suit room. That's something I never thought I would see," Tracy proclaims.
"Yeah tell me about it. They used to be his pride and joy," Robin says, remembering some of her early interactions with Barney. "At one point he even said that his suits were his family."
"Did he really?" Tracy giggles. It seems perfectly Barney.
"Yeah. It was a long time ago now. He isn't quite that attached anymore, thank goodness," Robin states. "Although he is still too attached."
"Okay…" Tracy draws out. "Back to knitting."
"Yes," Robin replies curtly.
"You start by making a slip knot near the end of the yarn. Do you know how to do that?" Tracy asks.
"I spent three days in the wilderness on my 14th birthday after my father pushed me out of a helicopter," Robin replies sarcastically. "I think I know how to make a slipknot."
"I'm sorry," Tracy responds, trying to avoid the awkward silence that just fell over the room. She wasn't expecting such a harsh answer.
"Don't be," Robin apologizes. "I shouldn't have snapped."
"It's ok."
"So I make a slip knot?" Robin changes the subject.
"Yeah, but keep a loop at the top. Then you slip the loop on the right needle and tighten it," Tracy instructs.
"Like this?" she asks Tracy, after completing the step.
"Yes, like that. Now hold the needle in your right hand, and loop the thread behind and over your hand like this." Tracy maneuvers the yarn over Robin's hand. "Now put the point of the needle underneath the yarn in your hand." Robin does the motion. "Exactly like that. Next you pull out your hand." Robin follows Tracy's direction and moves her hand. "Do you see how that made a loop around the needle?" Robin nods. "Pull it tight, but not too tight."
"That's it?" Robin questions.
"That is one casting on stitch. It is how you start. So for now just keep repeating that for a few stitches. Maybe 30 for practice," Tracy answers.
"So just repeat the loop behind the hand and put it on the needle thirty times?" Robin questions, wondering if that is really all there is to this.
"Yep," Tracy confirms.
Robin repeats it again. It really isn't that hard, she thinks. She was expecting this to be much harder, especially since she hasn't done anything crafty in her entire life. She sort of wanted to when she was a young girl, but her father wouldn't allow her. Plus, she partially wanted to do it because she couldn't. So learning this now, at 34, is not at all what she ever expected.
She does three more stitches before Tracy comments, "It looks like you've got the hang of it. Just make sure that you keep counting."
"Alright. I think I am at 7."
"If you need to, stop and count the loops," Tracy instructs.
Robin, being the fast learner that she is, finishes the thirty stitches in no time.
"Ok. I'm finished."
"Alright. Next is the traditional knit stitch. Move the needle with the loops into your left hand. Now take the needle in your right hand and push it underneath the top loop. Go through the loop and push the needle so it is on the right is behind the left." Tracy demonstrates with her own project that she pulled out of her bag a few minutes ago.
"Ok, so like this?" Robin asks, showing her what she has done.
"Yep, like that." Robin smiles, proud of herself for getting it right.
"This isn't that hard," Robin declares.
"The hardest part is actually coming up," Tracy says. "Now, take the yarn that is connected to the skein, and loop it counter-clockwise around the right needle."
"Well that isn't hard," Robin counters sarcastically.
"No I didn't mean that part," Tracy chides. "I meant this next part."
An 'oh' escapes Robin's mouth.
"Now look between the two needles," Tracy coaches. "Do you see how you kind of have two loops?"
"Yeah?"
"Well take the right needle and put it through the hole on the left."
"Kay. Done."
"Now, carefully pull the needle partially out of the loop that you put the needle in first, but keep the string that you just wrapped around the needle. You only want to pull just enough so you can pull the needle to the front," Tracy describes as she shows Robin on her own project.
"Ok." Robin copies Tracy's movement very slowly. "Like this? Did I do it right?"
"Yes," Tracy praises. "That's it. Now you repeat that again."
"To the end of the row?"
"Yep. And when you are done, switch the hand your needles are in and keep going."
"Well that seems easy enough," Robin comments, working on her next stitch.
It takes Robin a few stitches to completely get the hang of it, but when she does, she gets faster and faster. It seems strange to her how quickly she picks it up. It must be a testament to how incredibly boring her life has been.
"Can I ask you a question?" Tracy asks after a bit of silent concentration.
"Sure," Robin replies.
"How do you do it?" Robin stops what she is doing and looks at her questioningly. "How do you sit here in bed all day? I feel like a bitch for even asking," Tracy mumbles, "but I just don't know if I could do it."
Robin sighs and lets her head fall, while dropping her knitting.
"You really want to know?" Robin implores, with a slightly angry tone.
"Yes. I do. Why?" Tracy questions.
"Honestly," Robin sighs, "this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Most days, I don't even want to wake up. This isn't something I ever wanted to do."
"What do you mean?" Tracy inquires.
"I never wanted to have kids. Ever. Even as a child I swore I was never going to have kids."
"There was never a part of you that wanted kids?"
"Maybe a little once or twice. Mostly when I found out about my infertility, but it was less about wanting kids and more the fact that I knew I couldn't change my mind and have them later. I lost the control over my life," Robin confesses. She doesn't think that she has ever told anyone that, besides Barney. "Honestly, babies scare me."
"Really?" Tracy gasps, shocked by Robin's revelation. "You seem like such a natural around Marvin."
"I also didn't hold him for the first nine months," Robin stifles back tears at Tracy's implication. Even when she did hold Marvin the first time, she still wasn't quite ready to deal with everything that went along with babies.
"Oh my gosh, Robin, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up," Tracy atones.
"It's ok," Robin admits. "You weren't around for that. You didn't know." They sit together in awkward silence, as Robin reaches to pick up her knitting.
"Can I ask you a personal question?" Tracy asks.
"Go ahead," Robin mumbles, not sure if she wants to know where this might go.
"Do you want to have this baby?"
The question hits Robin where it hurts. She doesn't want to be here, she doesn't really want to be pregnant, but she can't think of not having this baby now. It's not that she would even consider not being pregnant now, now that she is. She just thinks that maybe, if they had been trying to get pregnant, this wouldn't be so hard to swallow.
"I do. I love her already," Robin admits. "I just think that it would be easier to deal with all of this if I had wanted it in the first place."
Tracy sighs. "I don't think that is true. I think this is just a hard thing to do. I don't think wanting to be a mother makes it any easier."
"Easy for you to say," Robin says, rolling her eyes. Of course Tracy would try to say that. If she had to do this it would be easy, because she always wanted the two kids, and the house, and the perfect husband.
"I'm serious. I would feel just as bad about this if I were you," Tracy pauses. She continues in a lower tone. "You know that I feel bad every time I come over here? I feel guilty walking in front of you, or talking about anything in front of you. I feel like you must hate me," Tracy whispers, starting to cry.
"I don't hate you," Robin says, feeling tears start to well in her eyes upon witnessing Tracy's tears.
"Do you feel jealous of me?" Tracy sobs.
"No!" Robin explains with a high pitched squeal.
"You're lying."
"Alright," Robin sighs. "Maybe I am a little bit jealous."
"Robin…" Tracy trails off, still sobbing. Robin wonders how she is ever going to get the mom guilt trip down like Tracy and Lily have.
"Ok. fine. I'm a lot jealous," Robin shouts in an outburst. "You get to walk around, looking all perfect, and go to work, and go to the bar, and live your life. It's like I am being punished for never wanting kids."
"Robin," Tracy says soothingly. "It is ok to be jealous of me. I get it. I know it makes it worse that I am pregnant too, but I am here for you."
"You don't get what it's like," Robin continues to shout. "I can't do anything for myself. I had to give up almost everything that makes me, me to do this."
"And that it the most wonderful thing you could have done," Tracy comforts. "You didn't have to give up yourself. You don't 'have to' listen to the doctor."
"Yes I do. Something could happen to her if I don't. I can't let anything happen to her," Robin rambles.
"Exactly my point. This may suck, but you are choosing to do this for her because you love her."
Robin is silent. The thought that Tracy just implanted is still working its way through her brain.
"Are you ok?" Tracy asks.
"Yeah," Robin mumbles, nodding her head. "I just don't… I never thought of it that way. I mean Barney says it all the time, but it's different coming from him."
Tracy smiles. "You know what? Next weekend Ted and I will come over and we will spend the day here together, and I will make Ted take care of me, that way I can see how it feels."
"You don't have to do that. Besides it's after the first week that you start feeling like this," Robin explains.
"Come on! It will be fun. Really," Tracy pleads. "Then the guys can hang out too. We miss you two. Should we invite Lily?"
"Yeah. Actually it's been a while since we all have been together. Why not?"
10/9/14
It's official readers: I've learned to knit. Apparently, I am pretty good at it already, although that may be because my brain is atrophying from the lack of experiences, as a result of being stuck in bed all day. Bad cable and B movies just does something to the brain. My goal is to make a baby blanket.
The best part of the learning experience was the heart to heart I had with one of my friends. She is also pregnant, although she is due in March. She gave me the best piece of advice for how to deal with this. I don't have to follow the doctor's advice. I am choosing to do this to keep the baby safe. It was a new outlook for me. This really how I am choosing to live my life.
I also have something to look forward to. In a few weeks, she will be coming over with her husband, along with another couple of friends, and they are going to spend the day to learn what it is like for us. For me, it will be more of a fun girls' day, and it will give my husband a little bit of a break.
19 weeks to go!
A/N: Mara's friend Ollie is a reference to NanoBlade's story, The Bartender! Check it out!