Chapter 2 has arrived! Please be patient with my very slow updates!
FF7 Random Bits 02
Chapter 2
[Setting- Zack has just noticed the unwanted arrival of President Shinra's Military Inspector. A bit of mischief is in order.]
[Location – The training field, just past early morning. Zack's cheerful mood has just been sullied by the approach of a less than welcome guest.]
Zack slouched as he watched the Inspector cross the training grounds. Tall and whip-thin, the middle-aged man had a long, thin face that fortunately was just long enough to accommodate the deep frown it wore. Thinning brown hair somehow managed to just keep him from being labeled as 'bald'.
The fussy man looked quite displeased as he made his way across the field, walking with a high-stepping gait that he thought would protect his shiny dress shoes from dirt, dust, and other unsavory 'outside' substances. He carried a clipboard on which he made notes as he intermittently shook his head to himself in a dissatisfied manner, setting his wispy hair waving. Combined with his odd walk, it gave Zack the overall impression that he was being approached by a disgruntled dressage horse.
Hey there, Inspector! Why the long face? was on the tip of Zack's tongue, but he settled for saying, in a voice oozing cheery helpfulness "Good morning, sir! Can I help you?"
"Yes! I am Inspector Percival Pinwinkle Baerbotamm-!"
his words were abruptly drowned out by the catchy tune of "Barbie Girl" as Cloud brought the cadets through another circuit of the field.
"What was that last bit?" Zack asked, rasing his voice and cupping a hand to his ear.
"BAERBOTAMM!" Percival hollered in an attempt to be heard over Cloud shouting "I'm a blond bimbo girl!"
"Barebottom?"
"Baerbotamm!"
"Oh, Baerbotamm!"
"Yes, and that is not a regulation-!" The rest of Baerbotamm's indignant tirade was cut short by the column's next round, accompanied by "You can brush my hair!"
Oh, he's one of those 'by the book' types! Zack thought as he watched the man wince as the cadets shouted "Undress me everywhere!". It was as if any deviation from the rules caused the man physical pain.
"THAT IS NOT A REGULATION CADENCE!" the Inspector practically screamed into the sudden hush as the column moved on and he found himself falling victim to what was know as the Inopportune Silence.
Usually native to crowded, noisy public places, the Inopportune Silence feeds on withering embarrassment. It prefers to stalk its victim in places like clubs, parties, restaurants, and the occasional construction site. Anywhere with noise and lots of people. The victim tries to converse over the offending sound and becomes comfortable speaking at a near lung-splitting scream. That is when the Inopportune Silence strikes. All background noise/music ceases, leaving the victim full-throated screaming into the void. The Silence then feasts on the victim's embarrassment.
Percival P. Baerbotamm went stiff with horrified mortification as his scream echoed across the training field, drawing the attention of every soul on the grounds. Windows banged open, officer's paused at their duties, and cadets gawked in curiosity.
"Could you repeat that? I'm not sure I heard you clearly." Zack said as the inspector visibly shrank in on himself at all the unwanted attention.
Inspector Baerbotamm recovered quickly, his embarrassment burning away under the heat of righteous indignation. "That is not an appropriate cadence befitting of a military establishment!" he sputtered, aggressively adjusting his cuffs and straightening his jacket in an attempt to appear authoritative, while his eyebrows did a strange little wiggle.
"Says who?" Zack retorted in an infuriatingly patient tone as if he were indulging a small child. He suppressed a smile the man winced once more as the cadets made another pass. Zack wondered what was up with the man's eyebrows.
"It's in the Regulations!"
"Is it? Well, maybe I need to take a look at what's listed," Zack replied cheerfully. He snapped his fingers, and a 1st Class SOLDIER was suddenly standing at his elbow, a book held reverently in his hands.
Hardbound in elegant dark gray starched linen, the cover was embossed with gold leaf letters spelling out the word REGULATIONS. It's air of officialness was somewhat spoiled by the assortment of sticky notes prolapsing randomly from between the pages.
Zack took the book and paged though it, muttering to himself, "Cadences, cadences...Ah! Here we are!" He ran a finger down the surprisingly long list. "Well, I don't see 'Barbie Girl' on the list..." he began in a disappointed tone.
The Inspector relaxed slightly from his state of perpetual tension, comforted by the orderly and organized stability of The Rules.
"But...I'm sure we can just add it to the list, right?" Zack said with glowing optimism, seemingly oblivious to the way Inspector Baerbotamm's body anxiously stiffened with an near audible snap! A twitch started in his right eyebrow and undulated across to the other eyebrow where it made a return trip before it dissipated.
"Certainly not!" he gasped with an indignant shudder for the total disergard for The Rules . "Only Generals can make changes to the regulations! Any amendments must be submitted for their personal approval. And in this case, both Generals must give joint approval!"
Zack was quiet for a moment, his expression thoughtful. He pulled the zipper on his collar down a bit, partly because it was getting a little warm outside, and partly to watch Mr. Baerbotamm wince at the blatant dress-code violation. For good measure, he reached down and undid the laces and zippers on his boots, pretending to shake out an annoying pebble. Percival winced again, and Zack wondered how the man was going to react when he found out that Cloud didn't wear boots at all.
"So, you're saying, Inspector Bare...Baerbotamm, that all I have to do is get the Generals' approval?" Zack asked.
"Correct, but I hardly think that either of them is going to appreciate you wasing their time for such a ridiculous request. The army is no place for that sort of tom-foolery!"
"Well," Zack continued, ignoring the insult to his favorite funny song "Since General Strife is busy at the moment, let's just ask General Fair, shall we?"
"But-!"
Zack stood to smart attention and ripped off a smart salute to the empty air infront of him, adjusting his uniform so that his General and Master Elite rank insignia were clearly visible.
"Yo, General Fair, can we add a new marching cadence to the list?"
He made a sharp 180 in the opposite direction with a precision and efficiency that would have brought a tear of pride to the eye of even the most hardened Drill Instructor.
"Hmmm...what do we want to add?" Turn.
"Barbie Girl." Turn.
"Oh, we love that song! We'll get that update made, along with all the other amendments, and get the manual reprinted by the end of the week!" Turn.
"Thanks, my dude!" Zack said, snapping off another smart salute " We'll just make a note in the master copy of the 'Big Book of Rules, so we don't forget!" He snapped his fingers once again, and silent SOLDIER faded back into the foreground and produced a pen and a sticky note for Zack.
Percival stared in shock while Zack scribbled 'Barbie Girl' on the proffered square of paper and unceremoniously slapped it onto the page.
"But...you can't just make up your own rules..." he quavered, ellipsising into distraught silence. He paled, aghast, as he arrived at the sudden realization that 1) this young man in front of him was the General, 2) he had screamed at the General, and 3) he had just sassed the General.
Smiling benignly, Zack opened the book and pointed to the very first page. Percival Pinwinkle Baerbotamm looked down at the seemingly innocuous printing, dread nestling down in his bowels like a white-hot lead ball. His eyebrows pinched together as if trying to comfort one another.
The page read, in large, bold, authoritative letters:
Official Rules and Regulations of the Midgar Army
Owned and operated by
General Zack Fair and General Cloud Strife
The Three Main Rules:
RULE 1: Generals Zack Fair and Cloud Strife make The Rules.
RULE 2: All rules subject to change without notice.
RULE 3: For questions or complaints regarding any of The Rules, please refer to RULE 1.
"But, but, but," the Inspector stammered, cringing at the blasphemy of this, this disorganization. His mind recoiled from the very suggestion that rules and schedules were just things to be ignored so flippantly.
Zack tapped his rank insignia, then directed the distressed man's attention to RULE 3. "It's just three simple rules, Inspector. I'm sure you'll have them memorized in no time!" he said brightly as he placed an arm around Percival's trembling shoulders in a manner that was somehow both friendly and mildly threatening.
"Welcome to the army, Percy. Let's get started with the tour!
Hope you enjoyed Chapter 2! Don't forget you free copy of The Big Book of Rules!