Chapter 35- The Breakdown
A/N: I wrote most of this chapter in July. It is one of the first story lines I came up with for this story. I want to thank everyone who has followed, favorited, and commented. I love talking to you all, and I can't believe that I have so many followers. I never expected this when I started. So thank you all!
"Okay that's it," Barney declares while sliding into the booth. "I officially can't take it anymore."
"What are you doing here and can't take what?" Ted asks.
"I need to get away and not having sex. I can't take it anymore!" Barney exclaims. "I just need it badly. So badly. Which one of these chicks looks easy?"
"Barney!" Marshall exclaims. "You don't want to do this. You've already made it four months. You are already halfway there, buddy. And you know you could never cheat on Robin and that you don't really want to either."
"I know. I just don't know how much longer I can take this. This is the longest I've ever gone without sex in my life," Barney complains. "I know this doesn't make sense to you guys, you never had to do this."
"Barney, you don't remember when Marvin was born do you?"
"No," Barney sneers, wrinkling his nose at the thought.
"Lily and I didn't have sex for months," Marshall adds.
"And right now, sex is the last thing on Tracy's mind. It's been almost two months for me too buddy," Ted interjects.
"Yes, but you are a little more used to dry spells, Ted."
"Doesn't mean it's still not hard."
"You bet it's hard," Barney chortles. Marshall and Ted roll their eyes.
"Did you maybe think about talking to Robin about this?" Marshall questions.
"Hell no! The last thing she needs is to hear about my problems," Barney scoffs.
"Barney," Marshall says softly, "I think you should talk to her about this. After all, maybe she is going through the exact same thing. I mean it is the two of you. If anyone is going to understand what you are feeling, it is going to be her."
"I don't know-" Barney trails off.
"I'm gonna have to agree with Marshall on this one," Ted interjects. "I would guess that she is having the same feelings and just doesn't want to tell you about them because she is afraid of your reaction."
"But she wants what's best for the baby," Barney argues.
"And so do you Barney," Ted says. "And that isn't stopping you from feeling this way. I bet you that Robin feels it too."
"Damn it, you're right. I gotta go talk to her," he says, running out of the bar.
"Good luck." Marshall and Ted ring out in chorus.
"Robin!" Barney shouts, running in the door. "Robin!"
"What? Geeze, Barney, did you run here from work?" Robin responds, unhappy about how he just burst in.
"No. I need to talk to you," he answers.
"Alright." She is skeptical, because the last few times told her this, what he needed to talk about was really not that important. She remembers though, it works out best if she takes the things he says seriously.
"I didn't come straight here from work. I went to the bar first," he admits. He doesn't know how he is going to tell her this. He feels like complete crap about it.
"You went to the bar?" she interrogates.
"Yes," he sighs.
"Why?"
"It is going to sound bad," he concedes.
"How?"
"Don't get too pissed."
"I won't," she promises. She is starting to worry now.
"I was horny," he surrenders.
"So…" she exhales sharply, "you went to the bar to hook up with someone."
"No, it's not like-" he tries to argue.
"That's what it sounds like," she argues bitterly, cutting him off mid-sentence.
He drops his head. That is exactly what it was. He doesn't know why he bothers to deny it. He knows that she can see right through him.
"Ok. It does," he admits. "I'm sorry. You know I never could, I could never cheat on you, but I am so frustrated right now. I was worried about coming to talk to you about it, because I didn't want to stress you out, but I talked to the guys and they told me I need to come talk to you."
She is upset. She has every right to be upset, to yell at him, to throw him out. She should be screaming at him right now, but for some reason she is not. She turns to look at him, still sitting cross-legged on her left, waiting for his penance, but even with tears filling her eyes, she doesn't look angry. She looks upset.
"You can't deal with not having sex for a few months?" she chokes out.
"It's not that Robin." He pauses, trying to think of what to say to make this right. "I miss us being close. I feel like I am giving up so much for this."
"You think you are giving up a lot? I hate this," she begins to rant. "I'm not sure if I can give up my life like this for someone. I feel insignificant. You can get up go to work, and occasionally hang out with the guys. I'm stuck here. Yes, Tracy or Lily will visit, but when they do, they seem distant, like they are handling me with kid gloves. Sometimes you're distant too."
He gets it, he has been somewhat distant, now that he thinks about it.
She pauses, before continuing with a tinge of sadness. "We used to joke and now we're all serious. It's like it's only about the baby anymore. And it IS about the baby a lot of the time. Nothing seems to be about us anymore. I mean you couldn't even talk to me about this." She brings her voice down to an almost whisper. "It bothers me that you felt like you couldn't talk to me about this. I know we aren't the biggest sharers, but we need to be there for each other right now." She sighs. She is one hundred percent right. They aren't the biggest of sharers and things really have been about the baby lately. He hasn't done anything just for her in a while.
"It isn't helping for you to be hiding things from me because you think it is going to stress me out. Not knowing if you are hiding things from me is stressing me out just as much, if not more." More tears start to threaten to spill out. "I feel like everyone is walking on eggshells around me and I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!" she shouts. "I want you all to treat me like me. I want you to keep making inappropriate jokes because it makes you you and frankly I miss you." She starts to calm before making a realization. "Just because we are becoming parents doesn't mean we suddenly need to turn into Lily and Marshall. That's never been us and you know it. And it doesn't need to be us either. We need to be ourselves and it needs to start right now." He doesn't want to be Lily and Marshall either. Really, the idea is preposterous. Yes, they do have to change as parents, but not that much. They shouldn't give up R-train and B-Nasty. Ok. They should probably give that up, but not Barnman and Robin.
"Robin, I didn't know. I'm sorry," he responds as apologetically as he can. He doesn't think that he can even respond to the emotional flood that just came out of her.
"I know. I know you didn't mean it. I just think you're looking at me like you think that my world just revolves around the baby. It doesn't. I don't want it to be just about the baby," She complains. "As far as sex goes, I've been going crazy. I am literally bursting at the seams. There are some days I feel like I could orgasm just from blowing you." He really had no idea. He had no idea that she missed it that much too. He guesses that he really hasn't been as attentive as he should be. But he should have seen it. He should have known. They really can be stubborn.
"It's hard." He can't help but bust out laughing. "No pun intended there. It makes me so sad because I miss you. I can't do it either. But the sad part is we missed a lot of bonding time because we didn't talk about it until now. We would feel a lot better about it if we could have talked about it. I've been feeling bad about it because you made it seem like you were strong all this time." And he thought that she was the strong one.
"I feel like crap because here you are, the strong one caring about the baby, and I couldn't hold it together to not want to have sex for three months to ensure her survival. And then it would make me think about how bad of a mother I am going to be and how I am always going to want to put my life first over hers, even though I can't. It's never going to be about me anymore. It's always going to be about her now." He can get how she feels, but it is ridiculous. She is going to be an amazing mom.
"I'm not sure that I can do that. Isn't that what being a good mom is? It means giving up your life for the child. And how am I supposed to know how to do that? It's not like either one of my parents ever put me first, and neither did your parents." That comment makes him think about how horrible her childhood must have been.
"But now, I know that it's not just me. I'm not crazy. It is hard for you, too. It just would have made some of these last few months easier to know that. I can't blame you though, I guess. I can see why you wouldn't want to tell me. It would make you feel vulnerable, but guess what. We can feel vulnerable together. Believe me." She starts to rant again. He can tell that she is completely stressed. "I hate that we can't have sex. I do. I want it so bad right now. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I should have. From now on, we really do need to tell each other how we are feeling, especially when she comes along, or we are going to have issues. Think about what Marshall and Lily were like. I know it's hard, but it's what's best for her, and we have to remember that now. We have to stop being lone wolves."
"Talk about information overload there Scherbatsky," he lightly teases. "You done now?"
"Yeah, I think," she sighs. "Sorry. I didn't mean to go on like that."
"You have every right to go on like that," Barney stresses. "You're right. We do need to talk about things more. I am sorry I have been treating you this way. I didn't even realize it. I feel like such a jerk now," he says, now depressed at their interaction. He really does feel like a jerk.
"No Barney, that's not it at all. You haven't been a jerk." It feels good to hear her say that, but he still feels like he could have treated her better. "You have been here for me like crazy. Everything that you have done for me has been wonderful and you have no idea how much I appreciate it," she stresses. "The week you were gone was horrible. I needed you here so much. Do you know how many times I cried that week?" she asks rhetorically. "Like 500, I swear. You know I don't cry."
"I know. You leak awesome," he teases.
"Right," she giggles and rolls her eyes, still wiping away tears in the process. He always knows what to say to cheer her up. "I think I was upset the entire time you were gone, because Lily didn't do something right, or Ted left a light on, or because I just missed you. I missed you so much."
"I missed you too. I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to hurt you. I just was scared to worry you. I just miss having sex with you."
"God," she moans. "You know I miss it. It's us," she trails off, and he can see a great thought formulating in her brain, just by looking at the way her eyes twinkle. "Just think of it this way. When we get to have sex again after she is born, it is going to be amazing."
She is right. It is not only going to be amazing, it is going to be amazing, redonkulous, and legendary all rolled into one. It is going to be a long night when it finally happens.
"The guys joked that we could go right through her crying," he chortles, because even though he was pissed when they originally said it, he has to admit, it is true.
Robin laughs. "Yeah. We probably could."
"I guess we need to talk more, huh?" he states.
"Yeah. We do. We can't not talk when we have a baby. We have to know how the other is feeling," she affirms.
"Yeah. We do,"he agrees. "If we don't we are just going to drive each other away. I feel like I did already, and she isn't even here yet."
"Yeah." She pauses. "Barney?"
"Hmmmmm?"
"I love you so much," she declares, turning to look him in the eyes.
"I love you too, Robin. I don't know what I was thinking. You are worth it. She is worth it."
"Yes. She really is."
11/13/14
It was a pretty boring week except for two important things. One, as of Tuesday, I am officially in the third trimester. I can't believe it. I am already having the trouble sleeping, the backaches and the headaches. It just means that this is soon over. Sometimes, it seems as though my pregnancy is going slow, and at other times it seems as though it is flying by.
Two, my husband and I had a long talk on Tuesday. We finally discussed how we communicate. For the many years that we have known each other, we haven't been the best of communicators. Tuesday was our breaking point, where even our significantly improved, but still horrible communication skills came to a head.
The weekend of our wedding, we compared ourselves to two lone wolves. For so many years, we were used to working on our own. Even after being married for a year and a half, we still find communicating difficult. We realized that once she is born, we have to communicate. We have to tell each other how we are feeling and not just what we think the other wants to hear. We have to tell each other everything. It is going to be hard work to learn to communicate, but we are going to try as hard as we can.