Chapter Seventeen – A New Way In

The growing burn in Olivia's legs was doing a very good job of distracting her. Ever since she'd left Ben the night before her head hadn't wanted to let go of what he'd said. Her stomach hadn't exactly wanted to let go either. The knot that had formed wouldn't loosen, and the more she tried to think about her own biology and injuries the tighter the tension got. After a night of very little sleep and almost no success at turning off her worries she'd resorted to a hard bike ride at the gym. It had taken a pace far faster than she usually rode and music nearly blaring through her earbuds to drown her thoughts out.

Olivia slowed her pedaling and sat up so she could wipe the sweat off her face. Considering she was using an equally sweaty arm it didn't work so well, but at least the sweat wasn't dripping into her eyes. A nudge at her leg drew her eyes down. She found Suvi bumping her water bottle against her calf. At least he wasn't carrying it by the cap. That had happened more than once before, and she'd been left to pay for a plastic bottle. Once she hadn't had a dollar with her and had sucked it up and drank from the slobbery one. She had been working with him on how to hold the bottle since then, and they seemed to be making progress.

Olivia reached down and took the bottle from him. While she drank he sat happily beside her. A few of the other gym members called out a greeting to him as they passed, and Suvi's head swiveled to look at them each time. During the year they'd been at the gym Suvi had become a bit of a celebrity. All of the regulars knew him and made a point to say hello whenever they were around. Even though he didn't get to be pet since he was working, he still loved the attention. For the most part Olivia didn't mind it either. The only people who looked at her weird anymore were new members, but she'd come to accept that. She was used to the gym and knew that the people there were on her side.

"Come on, Suvi."

He fell in at her side, and they walked down to the locker room so she could change. Maybe they would hit the park or something afterward so she could keep her mind off things. Already she could feel her worries crowding back to the forefront of her mind. Going to the park probably wouldn't be the best place if she wanted a distraction though. She really needed to find a better place to go to keep herself occupied.

It didn't take long for her to gather her things and clip on Suvi's leash so they were ready to go. She decided to forego showering at the gym and just wait until she got home. Everyone else on the subway could deal with her being a little sweaty. As they headed out the door Olivia double checked her phone to make sure she hadn't missed any emergency calls from the department or the hospital. There was one text message waiting for her, but it wasn't from either of the places she'd expected. It was from Ben. Her thumb hovered over the envelope icon as she debated opening it. Finally she clicked the screen and pulled up the message. Instead of finding anything written she was greeted with the icon of a music note. A flicker of confusion crossed her face. He'd sent her some kind of music file, but she had no idea why or what it was. She finished into her pocket for her earbuds and plugged them into her phone. As the first few lines came through she realized that she'd heard the song before. Not very long ago it had been on the radio quite often. Just because she recognized it didn't mean she'd been paying attention to the lyrics though. For the rest of the way home that was exactly what she did.

As the first few lyrics registered she pegged Ben's message as a simple love song. At least she did until the refrain.

Well I won't give up on us.

Even if the skies get rough.

I'm giving you all my love.

I'm still looking up.

Maybe it was more than a love song after all. The further she got the more confident of that she became. Giving her space, not walking away, being worth it. By the time she unlocked the door to her apartment she'd gone through the song three more times and was absolutely positive the song was meant as a message. Amazingly enough it was a good one too. If, of course, he meant any of it.

Olivia tossed her keys, purse, and Suvi's leash on the counter before staring at her phone. Again she hesitantly tapped the edge of it. Should she call Ben? Could she trust his message to be more than just a strange gambit to get her back? Yes, she thought that she could. She'd been the one to walk away, not him. Besides, sending her a song to convey the message he truly wanted her to believe was just like him. She shook her head and hit send. Hopefully her judgment on this would be right.

"Olivia?"

"Yeah." She paused for a second before continuing. "This song you sent… is it your way of saying I can't get rid of you that easily?"

"Figured that out, did you?"

"It took a few runs through, but yes, I got it."

"You should listen to it. I'll wait if you need time to figure things out. I know there's a lot going on with you, but I'm still not going anywhere. You're worth the wait."

"I really don't know how you can be so sure of that, Ben."

"And I thought we went over that already."

Olivia smiled softly, leaned back against the wall, and crossed her arms over her chest. They had had basically this exact same discussion before. Nothing had changed either. He still thought she was worth his time and she still hadn't told him everything.

"You've got a lot to learn."

The sound of Ben's laughter drifted across the phone making Olivia smile wider.

"That's something I would have done."

"I know."

She'd used one of the lines from the song on purpose for that very reason. As funny as it was, it was also true. Ben still had a lot to learn about her. Olivia wasn't so sure she would be worth it to him when he knew either. Somehow Ben seemed to know what was going through her head.

"You know, it's always easier to carry a heavy bag with two people."

He was willing to take some of the weight for her if she would let him. Of course that couldn't happen if she continued pushing him away like she had yesterday. Ben wanted to be there for her and now seemed like a good time to tell her that. He was going to need to do that as plainly as possible too. A crystal clear message would be hard enough to get through to her.

"I can start trying to prove that to you at dinner," he offered gently.

"Maybe I should take you up on that offer for pb and j."

"Take me up on it and I'll do a lot better than that," Ben promised. "Tonight at seven?"

"Yeah. Just send me where."

So far she hadn't decided how much more she wanted to tell him, if anything, but at least she had the rest of the day to figure it all out. It was just something else to occupy her mind. Not exactly what she needed, but that was the way it was.

Olivia didn't start regretting her choice until much later in the day. Even though she hadn't had anything necessary to do that day besides think and play with Suvi she'd done alright. Her decision had been made and all she had to do was stick with it. The closer it came to the time she had to leave the more uneasy she became though, both about going to Ben's home and telling him about her past. She hadn't come to that decision lightly, but it seemed necessary. If she didn't tell him they would continue going in the circles they were in now. That would only waste time and wind up hurting them both in the end. Of course she could still end up getting hurt, but that was a risk she had to take.

Ben apparently wasn't as concerned as she was. When he opened the door to his apartment and let her in he had a beaming smile on his face and appeared to be completely at ease.

"Hey, Suvi. How are you doing, buddy?"

From the wagging of his tail Suvi wasn't worried either. For once that wasn't overly encouraging to Olivia. Ben knew better than to pet Suvi when he was working so after greeting the dog he looked up at Olivia.

"They didn't give you a hard time coming in did they?"

"No. At least nothing I'm not used to."

"You shouldn't need to be used to it," he replied as he closed the door behind her.

"Shouldn't, but that's the way it is."

She didn't think she needed to tell him that life wasn't always fair. He'd experienced some of the disappointment that life could offer already.

"He seems pretty worth the hassle to me."

"He is," she admitted with a dancing smile.

"Come on. Dinner should be ready in fifteen, twenty minutes."

As Ben led her through his place Olivia had to admit that she was impressed. His apartment was surprisingly expansive, open, and decorated in a way she wouldn't have expected from a guy. She hadn't anticipated the delicious smell that was wafting out of the kitchen either.

"What are you making?"

"Smells good, doesn't it?"

"It smells absolutely amazing, Ben."

"And it'll taste even better."

Olivia suspected that it would. With how good it smelled, how could it not? She was about to ask him what they were having (again) when the cookie sheet on the counter caught her attention. A closer look confirmed her first suspicion. There were dog biscuits sitting on the tray. She turned to him with a lifted eyebrow that he should be able to easily read.

"So I made a little something for Suvi. I figured I might as well spoil him too."

"With dog biscuits?" she teased.

"Homemade dog biscuits," he corrected. "They don't all look exactly like bones, but hey, I never said I was an artist."

"You made my dog homemade treats."

She couldn't believe it. Not only was he making her dinner he was making Suvi dinner. Even she'd never made her dog homemade treats or homemade anything for that matter.

"That's exactly what I did."

"Ben, we need to talk."

"Ouch. Those are never good words. Should I put dinner on hold?"

"I don't think we'll finish in fifteen minutes, but if I don't tell you now I might lose my nerve."

"You? Lose your nerve? You stand up in front of huge crowds of people for presentations. I think you have more guts than you give yourself credit for." He smiled at her reassuringly before going on. "Let me put a timer on this, and we'll talk."

Ben disappeared into the kitchen for a few minutes before returning to lead her into his living room. Once they sat down Olivia immediately focused on the ground and started wringing her hands. Suvi rested his head on her thigh in support as Ben waited patiently. Finally Olivia looked up at him.

"You already know about Suvi and my old job. I'm not going to tell you too much about that since I think your imagination can figure enough out on your own. At one point you asked me why sex crimes. The answer I gave you was true, but not the full reason."

Her eyes dropped again and she rubbed at Suvi's head. While she tried to find the way to tell him, Ben waiting, mind whirling. Had she been hurt that way? It would definitely explain her hesitance to tell him. That would also explain why she'd put up so many defensive walls to make him have trouble approaching. He couldn't blame her for it if his suspicions were right. As her silence continued Ben knew he couldn't ask her, and part of him didn't even want to hear her say it. While he didn't want the confirmation, he knew it was important to know.

When Olivia met his eyes again she understood the look there. She should have guessed that he would go in the direction he was.

"It's not what you think, Ben."

"It's not?"

"No. But my mother was," she admitted.

Ben was caught a bit off guard over the fact that she had seemingly read him so clearly and so easily. It wasn't really important though. What was important was what she had just admitted.

"And you saw what it did to her."

"Yes, but I also am what it did to her."

Ben's brow furrowed as he tried to understand what she meant by that. When the meaning finally clicked his eyes widened.

"She wound up pregnant."

Olivia smiled sadly and nodded her head. This would be the moment of truth. For all of Ben's corny ridiculousness he was a smart guy. He would put it together. Chances were he wouldn't understand everything she dealt with because of her father, but he would have a good enough idea.

"And you had to carry that around with you."

Now he understood why she thought so little of herself. Almost since they'd met she'd been trying to push him away and tell him she wasn't worth it. He'd honestly thought it was just because of her disability, but obviously not. The reason for her reaction to his biology comment made sense now too. At least sort of. He'd been saying that biology didn't have everything to do with personality which he would think she would agree with.

The timer went off, nearly making Ben jump. His head snapped toward the kitchen and he considered just leaving their food go. If they wanted a decent dinner though, he was going to need to postpone their discussion.

"I'm going to grab the food, but we're not done yet, okay?"

"Let me come help you."

They set up dinner almost in complete silence, but Olivia knew their earlier conversation was far from over. Eventually Ben would go back to it. In the end it was the least of her concerns. Her luck with the seizures and Ben had run out.

Suvi managed only one bark of warning before Olivia felt the seizure strike. One of the kitchen chairs went down with her. It didn't stay near her for very long. Before she could hurt herself on it Suvi pushed the chair aside and took his place over her head. Ben wasn't anywhere near as calm. While he didn't outright panic all he could do was watch. It was a really unsettling feeling. She was hurting, and he couldn't help her. At least he knew that Suvi would have everything under control. That was about the only thing that kept him from immediately reaching for the phone and calling an ambulance. Watching the seizure was pulling him in too many different directions. He wanted to kneel down next to her so he was right at her side, but he didn't want to risk potentially hurting her by being too close so he remained standing. Staying still while he watched was almost impossible and he desperately wanted to pace. That would bring him away from Olivia though, and he couldn't do that. In the end it left him standing there frozen with his arms crossed over his chest and his hands clenched tightly to his upper arms. His knuckles were white from the strain of squeezing so hard and he suspected his arms would have some kind of mark or bruise as well. It was the only outlet that he had. After what seemed like an eternity to Ben the shaking stopped and Olivia lay still. That almost scared him even more, and for a brief moment of panic he missed the rise and fall of her chest and was afraid he'd lost her. He dropped to his knees beside her and gently stroked back her hair.

"Olivia?"

The only response he got was from Suvi. He looked up at Ben for a moment before lying down where he could lick at Olivia's fingers. Once again Ben was left to watch and wait, his heart constricting tightly once again. The panic he'd felt before was still bubbling just below the surface. Her eyelids eventually fluttered before opening fully and staying that way.

"Suvi?" Olivia mumbled.

He got to his feet and nosed at her chin. She rubbed at his head for a while before looking over at Ben. When he saw her watching him he smiled slightly.

"You okay?"

"I'm okay." Mostly at least. Based on some of the soreness she was already feeling she knew she must have hit something.

"I would tease you, but it really doesn't seem right at the moment."

His nervousness made it completely impossible to stay silent. Olivia grinned and let Suvi pull her up.

"What were you going to go with?"

"That you could make a good martini."

She wound up laughing and shook her head at him, though only a bit so as not to trigger a sudden headache. It was actually kind of nice to have him joking about her condition. For some reason it made the seizures not seem so bad. Maybe more on the level of snoring or having smelly feet.

Ben was a little surprised by her laughter. Worried that he might offend her, he hadn't actually been planning on speaking it out loud until she'd asked him to. Apparently she thought the entire thing was funnier than he did, but at least her laughter put him at ease.

"Thank you," she told him when she managed to get her laughter mostly under control.

"For what?"

"For not making the seizures a bigger deal than they are. For not walking on eggshells around me because of them."

"You're welcome. I think."

Olivia ran her hand up his arm before slowly standing, wincing slightly as she did. Ben reached out to steady her even though it wasn't necessary.

"I'm okay, Ben. Everything is okay. I have to tell Suvi that all the time. Do I have to tell you too?"

"I guess you do."

"Well, I'm really okay. Now come on. The food's going to get cold."

Author's Note – For those of you that couldn't piece together the song Ben sent her, it's "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. I know with the year this story is technically taking place the fact that Olivia said it was on the radio not too long ago is impossible, but I'm allowed to play with time like that. :)