for all the things my eyes have seen, the best by far is you
and as we lie here and let the world fade away
the sunrise tries to end it while we try to stay
He doesn't know what time it is when he decides to go into the house. The sun isn't out yet, but as he makes his way into the kitchen he hears birds starting to chirp in the distance, so he knows morning will be coming sooner rather than later.
It's been five days. Five days since the baby was born, and five days that he still hasn't been able to see June. He's tried so hard to see her, to see them, but Serena Joy was still committed to making it as difficult as possible for them to have any time together. She'd spent her days sending him on pointless errands and giving him projects to work on, anything to keep him away and occupied. And it had worked. When he wasn't doing her bidding, or driving the Commander around, his time was still otherwise tangled up with how to get to Hannah, so he'd had no time to even attempt to see June.
As he fills up a kettle with water in the still dark kitchen, he tries to shake the cobwebs of exhaustion from his mind. Yesterday, he'd finally had his first big breakthrough. Weeks ago he'd rumors of an Aunt that was working to get kids that had been separated from their parents out of Gilead and back with their families. It felt like his best opportunity, the safest way to get Hannah out, but every lead he'd chased to find out who she was and where she operated from had run cold. But three days ago he'd found another lead on her, one that actually led him somewhere. And yesterday he'd finally managed to actually track her down and have a meeting with her. It felt reckless, but he'd heard from enough people he trusted that she was legitimate, so he trusted her too. He relayed everything he knew about Hannah to her and left with a reassurance that'd she'd be in Canada with her father within a few weeks. Now it's just a waiting game. He puts the kettle on the stove and grabs two tea bags from the box where they keep them. He's still got plenty of work to do, he needs to finalize the route he'll take with June when it's time to go, start figuring out where they'll go when they actually cross the border, so he figures the caffeine is a good place to start.
As he waits for the water to heat up, he leans against the counter and closes his eyes. He can't remember the last time he slept for more than an hour, it feels like it must have been a lifetime ago. His eyelids are getting heavier and heavier when a loud gasp causes them to jerk back open.
"Jesus, Nick," Rita says, one hand on her chest, like she's trying to keep her heart contained. She stands frozen in her tracks. "You scared the shit out of me."
He clears his throat and stands upright. "Sorry," he apologizes, his voice rough. She shakes her head and takes a deep breath, pushing past him to the sink. They're both quiet for a few moments before Rita presses on with the conversation.
"What are you doing in here so early?" She asks, as she starts washing the few dishes left in the sink from the night before.
"Couldn't sleep," he replies honestly. "Thought I'd have some tea."
She nods and they both fall back into silence, but it's cut short by the kettle starting to whistle. Nick moves to retrieve it, but Rita holds him back with one arm.
"I got it," she says and Nick steps back, letting her take over. He starts rubbing his palm with his thumb, shifting his weight from foot to foot as Rita glances back at him. There's so much he wants to know, so many things he wants her to tell him, but he doesn't know where to start, what to ask, or if he even should.
"She's up," Rita tells him, as she pulls a teacup down out of the cabinet, and his hands still. She looks back over her shoulder at him. "With the baby," she continues and he stops moving completely. He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out.
"Mrs. Waterford won't be up for another hour at least," Rita says, setting the cup down on the counter and turning around completely to face Nick. He looks hard at her and she nods almost imperceptibly, a signal that it's okay, that he should go, he needs to take this opportunity to be with them. He takes a deep breath and turns to head into the house.
"In the nursery," Rita calls out to him as he disappears out of the kitchen and down the hall.
He navigates down the dark hallway to the nursery, trying to calm his now pounding heart as he comes up to the open door. Inside, there's a small lamp on, just enough to illuminate the corner of the room where June sits in a wooden rocking chair, her hair loose around her shoulders, looking down at the baby as she nurses her. Back when he first found out June was pregnant, he had a dream like this once, and he feels like, at any moment, he should wake up alone in his own bed. He almost doesn't want to intrude, the scene too peaceful and perfect for him to enter himself, but selfishly, he wants to be closer to her, to them.
"June," he says softly, as he takes his first tentative step into the room and stops. She looks up from the baby and her face falters, like she's just figured out how to hold herself together and now it's all fallen back apart. A fuzzy memory of Janine from that awful, frigid morning on the bridge stirs up somewhere from the back of his mind as he looks at her face; he knows how awful this is for her. Maybe he should have stayed away, it'd have been easier. He forces those thoughts away and takes a few more steps into the room, stopping before he gets too close, not wanting to overstep any boundaries.
"Rita said you were up," he says, as he starts rubbing circles on his palm with his thumb again. He doesn't really know what to say, or what to do. He's wanted to see her for so long and now that he's here, he feels clueless. There's so much that he doesn't know where to start. "I… I couldn't sleep," he stammers, and the corners of June's mouth turn up into the smallest hint of a smile before falling again so quickly that if he had blinked he'd have missed it.
"It's okay," she whispers, "I couldn't sleep either." The faint smile appears again as she looks at him and relief washes over him so much that he returns the gesture, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips now too. He takes a few steps closer and as he does, the baby makes little noises against June and she turns her attention back to her, adjusting her against her body. He still hasn't seen much of the baby, she's wrapped in a thick blanket to protect her from the cool fall air, so he finally closes the distance between himself and June completely as he moves to the side and kneels next to the rocker. He gently places one hand on the arm of the chair to brace himself as he gets his first real look at the baby as she continues to nurse.
He can feel June's eyes on him as he takes in all of the baby's features, her head full of dark hair, her pink skin, her light eyes open and looking up at June, and one little hand with five little fingers peeking out from under the edge of the blanket. He's sure he's never seen anything more perfect than her, and he's sure now more than before that he'll do whatever he has to do to make sure she and June get out of this horrible place.
A few seconds pass before he breaks his gaze and looks up at June, who hasn't stopped watching him, her eyes now glistening. "She's perfect," he whispers, and June closes her eyes, swallows hard and nods.
The memory of Janine on the bridge comes back to him now again, but this time it's crystal clear as he looks at June with her eyes closed, breathing deeply through her nose, trying to control her emotions. He wants her to know he's close to getting to Hannah, but it's so dangerous. If something happens to him before they can get out, they'll come to her, interrogate her, and he can't stomach the thought of causing her anymore pain. But he also can't stand to think of her feeling hopeless when he feels so sure there's a light at the end of this long and dark tunnel. He too closes his eyes and presses his forehead against her arm while he weighs his options.
A few moments pass before he decides to relay just the smallest bit of information to June, hoping maybe it'll strengthen her resolve, that it'll be a lifeboat for her to wait in while he makes these final preparations. He lifts his head and looks up at her, her eyes still closed. "June," he says softly, and her eyes pop open to meet his. "I found Hannah," he continues, "I have a plan. I just need a little more time."
He watches as she takes another deep breath, but this time he swears he sees her shoulders broaden as she nods and absorbs the information he's just provided, like she'll use it to steel herself against whatever the world throws at her. He knows now he made the right choice, she needed this. She turns her attention back to the baby, watching her nurse.
"She looks like you," June says quietly after a long silence and Nick studies the baby's face again. Aside from her dark hair, he doesn't see it, but he can't stop one corner of his mouth from tugging up into a half smile at her words, or the warm feeling of contentment that spreads through his body. He rests his cheek against June's arm now as they both watch the baby nurse, and for a moment it feels like the world around them has stopped existing. All that matters to him is here, in this room.
They sit together in content silence for what doesn't feel like long enough, but soon the sound of birds chirping with increasing frequency outside the window, along with the pale orange light that's now starting to filter in through the window, reminds him that as much as it's going to kill him, he has to leave, and soon. He looks away from the baby again and back up at June, who does the same.
"The sun's coming up," he says, an indication that he knows his time is running short, and June nods sadly. He leans up on the balls of his feet and presses his forehead against hers as they both close their eyes, taking in as much of each other as they can in these last few moments together.
"Trust me," he whispers, a promise that he's not going to let her down. He'd asked her to do this once before and she had, she'd trusted him and he'd gotten her to safety. He means it now more than ever.
"I trust you," she replies, as he pulls back and looks at her, his gaze confident. He's going to get them out. He knows it. He takes one last look at the baby before he stands back up, giving June's shoulder one last reassuring squeeze.
He lingers for a second before he forces his feet to carry him away from the chair. When he gets to the door he turns around, taking one last look at the most important things in his life before he has to go out and face the world again without them.