Chapter 46- Robin's Reflections

A/N: I'm going to be trying something a bit new, and hopefully it works. I work as a teacher's assistant, and I just started a new semester in an English class. They are going to have a vocabulary list a week, so I am going to try and put at least three words a list in my chapters somewhere. I want it to be a learning experience for me to improve my writing, and I know I have a lot of readers for whom English is not their first language, so it should help expand their knowledge as well! I happened to get four in from this week's list.

Also, in response to a few different reviews- I will be showing after the baby is born. It might not be in this story, but it will happen. It will most likely be one shots and not quite linear. But don't worry, you will get to see them as parents!

They've just come home from her thirty-seven week checkup. She's defied the odds, and made it to a full term pregnancy. She wasn't even supposed to be able to get pregnant, but here she is, almost ready to give birth to a baby. A real, live baby. One that she is going to have to hold. There won't be any avoiding holding this one.

It's scary for her to think that Brianna is almost here. Hearing the doctor say congratulations for getting to this point was a wake-up call. It's a pivotal moment for her. She knows now that it can happen any time. Any moment in the next few weeks could send them straight to the hospital. And once they are at the hospital, they will be coming home with a baby, and not just any baby- their baby. A baby that they have to care for.

Even with reading everything she can about being a parent, and learning from Lily hands-on, she's still terrified. Besides Marshall, Lily, and Marvin, the only experience she has with infants was watching her parents with Katie. Her parents were the worst examples of what to do. Even though she remembers Katie being a newborn, and was old enough at the time to help, Robin wanted nothing to do with her at the time. She never wanted anything to do with babies. She couldn't even bring herself to hold Marvin when he was born.

Her dad was distant with Katie. Less distant than he was with her, but still distant. He rarely held Katie, only doing what he needed to with her. Her mom spent long hours out of the house, leaving Katie there alone with her and her dad, which of course resulted in a screaming baby. Her mom always wanted to be by herself. She needed her alone time. She didn't care if her daughters needed her. That fact scares Robin, because that reminds her of herself right now. She's ready to get back to her life, and out of her bed. She's ready to be her own person again. But if she's her own person, will she end up becoming her mom?

She doesn't want to be her mom. She wants to be a good mom, like Loretta is to Barney. But then again, Loretta wasn't the best mom when Barney was younger. In a way, she wasn't unlike her own mother. She left him alone to pursue her own wants and wishes. Even Lily, who always wanted to be a mom, and is a pretty damn good one at that, still wanted to pursue her career, even at Marvin's expense. She has no idea how she can put her baby first, like she knows she should, when she doesn't know a single woman who could.

Barney keeps telling her she's going to be a great mom. Some days, she believes him, some days, she doesn't at all. She knows that he is going to be an awesome dad. All he's done so far proves it. He's a natural dad. He loves kids. She never did.

She never believed in all the hokum of love at first sight for your child. Everyone tells her she's going to fall in love right away, and it's going to make this all that much easier. She doubts it's going to happen. Yes, she loves the baby, because it's a part of her and Barney, but she doesn't believe that she will love it any more than she already does.

And in a way, she's been disillusioned about her whole pregnancy. She hasn't had the experience of a normal pregnancy. She's had Tracy by her side the whole time, but then again, she's had Tracy by her side the whole time. It's been great to go through it with someone, but it's not the same when you are on bed rest and they aren't. Just getting to see all the awesome things that Tracy has gotten to do is depressing enough, let alone the fact that she hasn't been able to live her normal life. Really, she's felt so alone, as much as she doesn't want to admit it. She's felt secluded. She's felt trapped. She's ready to be done with that to get back to life, but all that brings her back to the crux of the issue. She's not sure she's ready to play the part of mom.

As much as she is ready to get out of bed and let the bed rest behind her, she doesn't, because when she gets up, that means that Brianna will be here. It would be nice to go back to her old life, but that means no baby. It would be nice to stay in bed, because that means that she doesn't have to be a mom just yet. Then again, it would be nice to meet the baby, to get to see what she looks like, to get to see which one of them she is more like. But for that, she has to be here.

It's an internal war for her. She's not sure which she'd prefer, the bed rest or the first weeks of parenthood. There are pros and cons to each. She knows logically that the best thing is for her to stay in there longer, but she just wants to be able to walk around, to be able to go places and see things again, and gosh damn it, have sex again. Plus, she remembers what Marshall and Lily were like those first few weeks. They were literally walking zombies. She's definitely not ready for that, even if it includes walking.

Then again, the logical side of her knows that she has no control over the situation, and it's going to be a long time until she has control over the situation again. But she thinks, maybe if she's lucky, serendipity will take over in the next few weeks, and all will be okay.

1/29/15

Today was my thirty-seven week check-up, and I'm going to be honest. I'm not sure what it is, but I am incredibly nervous about becoming a mom. I know I shouldn't be. Everyone tells me, especially my husband, that I am going to make a wonderful mother. Still, I can't help but think about how much our life is going to change, and so soon too.

I never had a good example of motherhood when I was younger. My parents divorced when I was in grade school, and I lived with my father. It was not an environment in which I could learn how to be a parent, or what parental care was all about. I want to do what is best for my baby, but I really have no idea how.

I know I'll have a bunch of help, but I'm still scared about it. Maybe it's a good thing to be scared. Maybe it means that I care, or at least that's what my friend keeps telling me. If I was meant to be a bad parent, I wouldn't be scared about it.

I do know people say that meeting your baby is the best feeling of your life, and it will change you, and you will learn what to do, but I'm just not sure that I believe that yet. But then again, I've never believed in those type of stories. I've never been a fatalist. I've always believed that I had control over my life. I've spent most of my life fighting fate. So, now to have to give that up, it's quite difficult.

I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling this way, but sometimes, it does seem that way.