Chapter Twenty Six – Crack in the Dam

"Caroline," Olivia called out as she and Suvi left the children's activity room.

The hospital's children's activities director paused and glanced back at Olivia. She waited for Olivia to catch up and offered her a small smile.

"Everything alright?" Caroline questioned.

"Yeah. I was just wondering where Aedan was. He never misses a chance to pet Suvi."

Caroline's smile turned sad, and Olivia's heart immediately dropped and her throat tightened.

"He took a turn for the worse a few days ago."

Olivia knew what that meant. In the time she'd been volunteering at the hospital she'd heard the same phrase a few times before. Usually when she was told a child had taken a turn for the worse the next thing she was told was that the child had lost their battle with cancer or had died from another cause. A few would return to the activities room eventually, but the number was incredibly small. It was always better to prepare herself for that final announcement.

"Can I at least stop in for a second so he can say hello?"

"Sorry, Olivia. Visitors are being restricted."

Olivia sighed and nodded. It was another bad sign that she was far too used to seeing now.

"Alright."

Caroline squeezed Olivia's arm sympathetically before vanishing down the hallway. Olivia headed out a few moments later feeling shaken. She couldn't help keeping her fingers close to Suvi's head so every few steps they would brush his fur. It just wasn't helping enough though. The realization of what was likely coming made her sick to her stomach. She could never become used to it no matter how many times she heard those words. The pain associated with a child case at SVU was all too similar to what she was experiencing now, only now was so much worse. These were kids she'd come to know after all. She felt like she couldn't breathe. Before she could actually consider what she was doing she pulled out her cell and called Ben.

"Hey, Liv."

"Hey."

That one word was enough to tell Ben that something was wrong. Ever since the Paws with a Cause fundraiser she'd opened up more and more with him, but she'd still been hesitant and wary. He knew she was continuing to keeping her heart guarded. Even now, if he asked her what was wrong, there wasn't a very good chance she would tell him. With the way she sounded and the fact that she'd called him though maybe he'd have more luck chipping away at her defenses than he usually did. He could hope at least.

"You okay?"

"Not really."

Ben was slightly caught off guard but he recovered quickly. She rarely ever told him when she wasn't alright. At least not verbally. If this was going to be one of the few times she actually admitted it he was going to take full advantage.

"Look, I have a client coming in in a few minutes, but I want you to talk to me. Come by my office. By the time you get here I'll be free."

"Ben…"

"Please? Let me be here for you."

"Alright."

"Good. I'll see you in a bit, okay?"

"Yeah."

Olivia hung up and tucked her phone back in her purse. She wasn't looking forward to going down to Ben's office, but the thought of having him nearby was appealing. Far more appealing than returning to a basically empty apartment. At the moment she really just needed a way to ease the cold that had seeped into her. Ben and Suvi would be more than capable of doing that. When she arrived at Ben's office a little over forty minutes later he was still with clients. Normally waiting outside of his office like that would have been awkward for her; people were watching. She wasn't feeling anywhere near normal though. Her mind was locked on Aedan and everything else around her was faded into the background.

Ben found her silently waiting with her head bowed. When she didn't notice him despite Suvi standing and focusing on him he had to call out to her. Her head came up slowly, and he caught his first glimpse of her face. If her phone call earlier hadn't given him enough of an indication of how much she was hurting, the expression on her face definitely did. There was this strange, pinched look there, like she was trying to fight off a flood of emotions. Her eyes had a dark, hollow emptiness like a bottomless pit that could never be escaped, and her face was paler than usual. Ben moved to her side and immediately wrapped his arms around her. Olivia let it last for less than a second before she pushed him away.

"Not here," she whispered.

"Let's go into my office then."

He slid his arm around her and guided her and Suvi in. Once she was comfortable in a seat he closed the door and came over to join her.

"Talk to me."

Olivia clasped her hands together and bowed her head. It was a habit Ben had noticed she had when she was upset and didn't want anyone to see how bad it was. Ben touched her clenched hands and waited. If she didn't want to talk there was nothing he would be able to do to convince her.

"I was at the hospital with the kids today," she began haltingly.

"You usually love that."

"I know."

She was struggling to keep herself from crying. The glittering of restrained tears was obvious when she lifted her head, and Ben slid his fingers between her hands so he could try and soothe her.

"So what happened?"

"I know these kids, Ben. I've seen them come and go. Some of them Suvi and I have worked with once a week for months."

"You get close."

He didn't really need her nod of confirmation. That was how Olivia always was. She got close; she cared.

"I found out today that one of the kids I've known for a while now probably isn't going to make it."

"Oh, Liv…"

A tear slipped free, and Olivia quickly brushed it away.

"Chances are he'll be gone when I go back next week. He's seven, Ben. Whenever we come he always gives Suvi the longest belly rub he can. He's drawn me pictures of Suvi. I know I still have them at home. I've heard him tell one of the girls in the group that she should make a bracelet for Suvi. Seven years old, Ben."

Once again Ben pulled her into his arms, and this time she didn't fight him. She rested her head on his shoulder and held him tight. While Ben stroked her hair Suvi plopped his chin on her back creating a nice warm spot.

"It's awful, Olivia, and I can't imagine how hard this is for you."

"It's happened before," she mumbled into his shirt. "This is the first time I've known the kid for such a long period of time though."

"At least you and Suvi gave him some happiness at the end."

"Yeah."

Slowly she pulled away from him and rubbed at her eyes. Ben reached out to still her hands and then brushed her tear streaked cheeks with his thumbs. He let her sit in silence for a moment or two and spool down before attempting to shift the course of her mood.

"You will always be beautiful, Olivia, but red-rimmed eyes and tear streaks aren't your best accessories."

A tiny smile flickered across her face, and Ben's smile grew. It had been a calculated risk considering she had only just opened up to him.

"Don't get me wrong, I love that you finally feel comfortable enough to show some emotion, but personally I prefer that emotion to be a little higher on the happiness scale."

Olivia was about to tell him she would prefer that too when the seizure struck. Suvi only managed to get out half a bark of warning before she went down. Ben saw it happening and tried to lunge forward to catch her before she hit the ground. He wasn't fast enough and could only watch as her head rebounded on the floor. It was a good thing Suvi knew what to do because Ben was frozen. Seeing her suffer though the seizures was incredibly painful. All he wanted to do was protect her, and he couldn't. When the seizure stopped and she still didn't wake up the knotting hurricane in Ben's stomach increased from a category three to a category two. The only thing that was keeping him semi in control was the fact that Suvi was calm. If Suvi wasn't panicking then Olivia's lingering unconsciousness couldn't be too far outside of normal.

As her eyes started fluttering Ben knelt next to her and brushed a few strands of hair out of her face.

"Hey," he said softly.

"Hey," she croaked back.

Ben had to help her sit up, and even after that it took her a long time to feel steady enough to be comfortable leaving. Ben wanted to take her home himself to make sure she was alright, but she refused. Watching her walk out the door didn't ease the unsettled feeling that had bought a house inside of him.

Later that evening Olivia really wasn't feeling much better than she had been when she'd left Ben's office. She was a little steadier on her feet, but her head was still pounding. Just because she knew why it hurt so bad (really she couldn't have expected anything less considering how hard her head had hit the ground) it didn't make the pain any less. On top of that, her thoughts kept returning to Aedan despite everything she was trying to do to prevent it. The combination was making for a rather unpleasant evening. Even Suvi wasn't helping elevate her mood very much. After poking at her for a while he'd relegated himself to the floor at her feet.

The buzzing of her cell forced Olivia to sit up partway so she could grab her phone. She found a music file waiting for her. When she hit play she was expecting a romantic love song or something similar. Instead she got "I told the witch doctor I was in love with you." The insanity only continued.

I told the witch doctor I was in love with you.

And then the witch doctor he told me what to do

He said that…

Ooo eee, ooo ah ah, ting tang

Walla walla, bing bang

She barely heard the remainder of the song over her laughter. The song made absolutely no sense, but it had certainly done the job of improving her mood. When she dialed Ben's number she was still attempting to restrain her laughter, but it really wasn't working. Half giggles continued to slip out into the open.

"Hey there." His voice came across as teasing, like he already knew why she was calling and had expected it.

"What the heck is this?"

"I see you got the song. It's "Witch Doctor.""

"Yes, I got that much. Now what is it?"

"The story of our relationship. I bet you can guess who the witch doctor is."

Olivia smiled. Yes, she knew exactly who Ben was referring to.

"Suvi."

"Bing, bing, bing. Congratulations, you're a winner!"

"I'm not sure you're the most fantastic prize."

"Ouch, Liv."

Again a smile drifted across Olivia's face. She knew he was only being dramatic and wasn't really upset or hurt by what she'd said. After all, she'd been teasing as well, but even so, she'd happily throw him a bone.

"The witch doctor has given you pretty good advice so far. Maybe you should talk to him again."

"I think I will. Tuesday night. Would he be available?"

"He could be."

"Perfect. Schedule my appointment and I'll talk to him then."

"I'm sure he'll look forward to it."