9. Slippery Slope
H.
Hermione shared front desk duties with two other people. First, there was Simon, with slick blonde hair and milk-bottle glasses, who seemed to have taken the job without fully understanding that he would be working in a muggle facility, as every other conversation he initiated, concerned muggles and how utterly fascinating they were. Not fascinating, in the way that Arthur Weasley found them fascinating, but in the way that you might stare at an ape in the zoo. Almost like you... but not... quite... the same.
Pureblood, probably.
The other was a muggle-born witch called Jessica. Jessica was only a couple of years older than Hermione, but she carried herself as though she held a lifetime of wisdom in her heart. She was self-assured and eloquent, and Hermione felt herself wilt in her presence. She wore her hair in its natural texture, secured with a floral, knotted headband. And as Hermione read through PowerPoint slides about the filing system, she watched Jessica from the corner of her eye. She was beautiful. Not just quite pretty, like Hermione was, but truly beautiful. It wasn't just in her face, although that by itself was a great source of jealousy for Hermione. It was the way in which she held herself - poised and confident. Both vulnerable in her manner and yet completely in charge of herself. Hermione was sure that she must have flaws - it was a biological certainty - but she couldn't actually see one to name.
And so, it did not surprise her, but it did hurt her, when Hermione looked up from the computer to see Snape approaching the girl and pulling her aside.
Stop it. You don't get to be jealous. You have a boyfriend. A boyfriend who hardly notices y0u, but a boyfriend nonetheless.
Severus held himself tall and proud as he spoke with her. She caught the odd word of their conversation, but not enough to form a complete sentence. Jessica laughed as she nodded, and touched him on the arm as they spoke. Hermione felt her blood grow hot and her cheeks flush red.
"... See you tonight, then", Severus said in parting and placed his hand on Jessica's shoulder
Well, I heard that.
Snape looked towards Hermione, nodded at her, curtly, and left them both to it.
:
S.
Severus climbed the staircase to the roof, as he stepped towards the ledge, Hermione approached with a glass of wine in each hand. This was his favourite part of the day. Meeting her in their secret place after a long shift.
"It's Friday", she said. "I think we're allowed."
He grinned at her and nodded as he took one, and she sat on one of the deck chairs that he had transfigured from plant pots on her first visit to this secret place. He stood, leaning on the railing, and watched the world pass, and with a subtle, sideways glance, he realised that she watched him. He pulled out a packet of cigarettes from his back pocket and placed one between his teeth. He offered one to her, as he always did, and she refused as she always had. It was a ritual, meeting here, discussing their day, and then when all was said, enjoying the silence of each other's company. She had a way of making him feel like he was exactly where she was supposed to be, even if they both knew that this secret place, would have to remain just that.
Our place. Our secret.
"So", she said, twisting around in the deckchair with great difficulty, exuding nonchalance so forced, it almost made him laugh. "How was your date?"
"What date?" he asked.
"Your date... with Jessica? Yesterday, I heard you say something about..."
She trailed off, as Severus' face broke with a pleased, wolfish grin.
Are you jealous?
"Hermione, I'm not dating Jess. I have never... and might I say, would never... date Jess. She's Draco's girlfriend."
The relief on Hermione's face was palpable. He was warm with it.
She is. She's jealous.
"I spend a fair bit of time with Lucius and Narcissa. I've seen Jess there quite a few times."
She tucked a stray strand of hair into the elastic around her ponytail, but he thought that she might be using the action to disguise the pink of her cheeks.
"Sorry, I got the wrong impression", she said. "You looked cosy."
"Apparently they'd had a bit of a fight. I was comforting her. Loathed as I am to be supportive, I am capable of it."
Her face changed to one of confusion.
"Hang on! Jessica's a muggle-born? Isn't that like... against the rules?" she joked.
"Lucius and Narcissa were not pleased with it at all, at first. But they've come around. They're not who they were. Seven years is a long time."
"Yeah", she said, her gaze passing through him to the city below.
He turned to face her, resting his back on the railing, as he asked, "are you taking the Sleeping Draught I made you?"
She nodded, and cupped the wine glass in both hands.
"Then why do you still look like shit?"
Her mouth fell agape, and as his lips parted with a smile, she followed suit.
"You're awful, do you know that?" she said.
"That's what I hear. So, will you tell me what's going on, or do I have to lace your wine with Veritaserum?"
He locked his eyes on hers and raised his eyebrows defiantly. She shifted uncomfortably under the severity of his gaze.
"You're joking?" she said, trying to gauge his response.
He broke his stare, with a smile that went straight to his eyes.
"If you tell me, you won't have to find out."
She stood from the chair and joined him by the balcony. She didn't look at him; instead, she took in the view of the mass of people and mess of traffic below.
"Ron and I have been having some difficulties..."
"Right", he said, suddenly more uncomfortable even than she seemed, "I'm sorry to hear that."
"The problem is that we've been together for so long that neither of us is willing to admit that we're not really happy. You know?"
I do know.
"It can be difficult to know when to call it a day", he said. "I have found that sometimes a relationship will not reach its natural end unless someone severs the ties. Sometimes, you just have to let go and open yourself up something even better with someone else."
Someone like me.
No. Don't do that.
"Are you happy?" he asked, eventually.
He looked at her and took her hands to turn her to face him. She could not meet his eye entirely as she answered.
"I don't know."
"You should be happy. You are..."
... too clever, too beautiful, too lovely...
"...too young", he decided, "to be unfulfilled. Think on it, Hermione. Do you want to be with him because you love him and he makes you happy? Or do you stay with him because you think you must?"
It's the latter, by the way. That idiot could never make you happy. The person you love at eighteen does not need to be the person you love for the rest of your life. I should know.
"Perhaps you could make it work as friends?"
Hermione shook her head quickly. She hardly had to think about it.
"No. We couldn't", she said. "If I walked away then it would be the end. No more Weasleys, no more Harry. All of my friends are Ron's friends first and foremost."
That's not healthy.
"And you're not willing to let that go in search of something for yourself? Something to call your own?"
She paused as though frozen in thought. Severus watched her face as she pondered. She seemed to flick through scenarios and possibilities. Her eyes closed, and Severus dared not breath until they fluttered open. A single tear rolled down Hermione's cheek and Severus felt the bite at his chest.
Yes. Do it. Leave him.
He caught his thoughts and his eyes flashed wide.
Do not start with this shit again. You made your choice.
She did not notice, and he took a deep sigh of relief that turned to a sigh of longing as Hermione leant her head on his shoulder. Moved by her vulnerability, he showed some of his own, and placed his hand on the small of her back. Hermione moved further in towards him until her head was on his chest.
Don't do it. Don't be stupid, Severus.
He chased away the thought and wrapped his arms around her in response.
"I know it's hard", he said. "Believe me. I know."
She lifted her head to look at him.
I could kiss her.
You'd better fucking not.
"Why are you humouring me?" she asked. "Given that you are... 'loathed to be supportive'."
"Because I care about you."
He'd said the words before he'd truly got a handle on what they meant, or how they could be interpreted. It could mean 'I am fond of you in the way you might be fond of a fine brandy.' It could mean 'I think a lot of you. I respect you. I want good things for you'. Or it could mean, what it did mean for Severus.
I am never happier, or more myself, than when I am with you. I miss you when you leave. I hate thinking about you with the idiot. He does not deserve you. You should be with...
No. Don't. You can't. You have made your bed. You're damn well going to lie in it.
You are far too smart to be acting like such an idiot.
:
H.
She stepped back and searched for further explanation in his face. She saw his fear; he had said too much.
"You care about me?"
He cleared his throat and muttered, "of course I do."
Be brave, Hermione. Just not too brave. Remember what bravery has cost you.
She placed her hand on his.
"I care about you too."
I care about you more than I should. I carry my tenderness for you in secret, because I don't fully understand it. All I know is that my boyfriend has not touched me in eleven days and now I'm aware that I'm so close to you that I could kiss you and all I want to do is...
All I want is...
And then all at once, his hands were in her hair and his lips were on hers. His kiss was laced with red wine, deep, and dark. and careful. Every movement was deliberate and delicate. He placed his hand under her chin and she parted her lips to accept the kiss. He swept his hands down to her waist and thumbed circles into her skin, as his lips crossed her cheeks until his mouth was hot on her neck. The circles at his fingers became soft and gentle. It was as though he was soothing her, knowing before she did that this could destroy her.
Ron.
Hermione pulled away and Severus dropped his hands to his side. If she couldn't see them, she would have sworn that he had his fingers wrapped around her heart. She felt the absence of his kiss as a physical pain; pressure in her chest.
What am I doing?
She held her fingers flat against her lips as though she could hold his kiss just a moment longer.
Why do I want to do it again?
"I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me", Severus said, as she dared to look at him.
"Yeah... it er- moved me too", she said.
He stepped back to the railing and nodded as though he understood, but he refused to look at her, and it seemed that he had said all he was going to on the matter.
"Should I go?", she asked.
Tell me to stay.
Snape busied himself by pulling the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and lighting one. He did not lift his head to look at her.
"Mmm".
What the hell does 'Mmm' mean?
"I'm sorry", she said and felt her stomach begin to plait itself into knots.
He still refused to look up as he spoke.
"Don't be. I understand. Go to your boyfriend."
I... I don't want to. Give me a reason to stay.
"If you want me to leave, I will".
Tell me you want me to stay.
"Hermione. Do whatever the hell you want. You do anyway."
"Severus?"
His eyes darkened, as he asked, "what do you want?"
You.
"I don't know, I don't want to leave, but I don't-"
Severus glanced up to meet her eyes, before returning to his lighter, that he flicked in his fingers.
"Just go", he said, with a note of dejection in his voice, "I shouldn't have. It was reckless of me."
"I don't understand. Are we... are we still friends?"
Or will history repeat itself?
Hermione heard the weakness in her voice, and the stupidity of her question.
"This isn't friendship, Hermione!".
Ouch. Okay.
"Right... fine", she said, "but if you know what it is, then please, I'm all ears!"
"I wish I could tell you. But I can say for certain that I don't make a habit of kissing my friends. I'm sure Lucius is a very attractive man, but-"
He stopped as she smiled at him. Even now, he made her laugh. His laughter came in reply and he looked at her, from her face to her chest and then back again. For a second, she thought he had made a decision - a flicker of certainty in the fog of confusion - but just as she moved towards him to take his kiss again, she heard a sharp and deafening cough behind her. Both she and Severus turned to face their visitor.
Oh, fuck!
"Am I interrupting something?" the visitor asked, crossing his arms over his broad chest and staring at her.
"Ron? What are you doing here?"
"Maybe start by answering my questions. Would you like to tell me what's going on? Perhaps you could tell me what he is doing here!?" Ron said, jerking his head aggressively towards Severus, who raised himself to full height and stepped forwards.
"I work here", Snape said, coldly.
Aaaand, I'm fucked.
Ron's face flashed a burning crimson.
"You work together?!"
He began to pace the balcony rubbing his temples with his finger.
"Ron?"
"Don't!" he snapped. "Give me a second to get my head around this!"
"I'm sorry! I know I should have told you. I just... I messed up, okay?"
"Messed up?! What are you talking about!? You purposely failed to mention that you work with him. That is not a mistake, that is deceit. You swore that you wouldn't see him again!"
They both looked at Severus, whose eyebrows were more furrowed than ever she had seen them. His back was flat against the railing, but he was not afraid, he was bewildered, she thought, entirely out of his depth.
"I'm sorry, okay! I'm so sorry. I should have told you."
Hermione's eyes filled with tears and she cursed her body for betraying her.
"No!" Ron snapped, "you shouldn't have taken the job in the first place. Did you know he worked here?"
Hermione's eyes were to the ground, but they flitted for a second towards Severus, and then, with courage that she couldn't understand, she met Ron's eyes - those damn blue eyes that were once her home, belonged to a stranger.
"He got me the job", she muttered.
Not the time for honesty, Hermione. Jesus Christ!
"What?!" he snarled. "How? You said that you wouldn't speak to him ever again."
"Our anniversary... the restaurant... he was there."
Ron looked back, over his shoulder at Snape and growled. Severus stood awkwardly aside, and she wondered what he was waiting for. An invite to speak? An explanation? A conclusion to their little drama?
"Our anniversary, Hermione, really? Was that my gift? Your betrayal. You said... no, you promised me when we got back together, that you wouldn't speak to him again.
"We're just friends!" she yelled.
:
S.
Just friends. Just friends. Just friends.
"What the hell is your problem, Weasley?" Severus asked, and the boy swung around to look at him as though for just a moment, he had quite forgotten he was there. "Why don't you want her to see me?"
"It's none of your fucking business, Snape", he said, spitting his name like a curse.
Sure sounds like my business.
Hermione looked to him, then, not at the boy.
"That night. Seven years ago", she said frantically. "The last time I saw you. I broke up with him. I told him..."
"Hermione, don't you fucking dare", the boy shouted.
Let her finish. Let her fucking finish.
"I told him that I wanted you. I came to find you. I sent you letters."
Letters?
"I didn't... Hermione..."
Fuck! Letters?!
"I was at The Malfoys", he said. "Draco was receiving so many fucking death threats that we shut down all communication ..."
"No!" Weasley barked. "I'm not going to stand here and listen to you make a fool out of me!"
The fucking ego on him.
The boy turned his pink face to Snape and glared at him.
You don't frighten me, you little shit. I've stared into eyes far more frightful than yours.
"Why are you still here?" the boy asked.
Severus straightened his back to pull himself to full height.
"Why do you think?"
The boy raised an eyebrow and then shook his head in irritation and turned back to Hermione.
"We're going to talk about this at home", Weasley said through gritted teeth, pulling on her wrist. "Come on!"
He watched the boy wrap his hands around her wrists, her beautiful fucking wrists, and she winced; it was too much.
Don't you fucking touch her. Don't you dare!
He and Weasley both looked at Hermione, who had shrunk into herself. It was almost a cower. He wanted to leave, wanted to take her out of the situation. It took all of his strength to keep his feet firmly planted on the ground.
She's not yours to save.
But as the boy continued to pull at her, whatever sense he had to keep his temper, deserted him.
Don't care.
"Get your hands off her!" he snarled. "You're hurting her!"
Weasley held his hand out to stop Severus and it took all of his self-restraint not to snap it off.
"I'm sorry", the boy said then, switching quicker than a click of the fingers, and turning his back to look at Hermione. "I didn't hurt you, did I? I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean to. I love you."
Not yours. His.
He stroked her hair flat against her head and held her cheeks as Hermione looked at Severus, and then back to Weasley. He ran his thumbs across her cheeks to dry her tears.
"I love you", the boy said again.
"Love you too", she said.
It was quick and quiet, but it was true.
Not yours. Never will be.
I can't do this again.
H.
"I love you", Ron said, and as he rubbed his thumbs across her cheeks, he stared at her expectantly.
This isn't right. This is a show for Severus' benefit. You might as well piss all over me and mark your territory. You've not told me you love me for months.
Ron raised his eyebrows, defying her not to say that she returned his feelings. They used to say it so often, it came as a reflex. 'I love you' - 'I love you too', that was how it went. There was no other response. His stare pierced her like daggers. 'Say it back', the stare said. 'Fucking say it!'
"Love you too."
She caught sight of Severus, just before he disapparated, and suddenly the world had turned upside down, and everything had fallen out of place. She surrendered to the grief in her chest and let Ron support her weight as her knees threatened to give way.
"Babe?"
Everything is a mess. My life is careering out of my control. Might as well lean into the skid.
She pulled away from Ron and looked at him. This man who had loved her for so many years. Her best friend for as long as she could remember. He made her angry, God, he drove her crazy. They fought like cat and dog. But they loved each other, didn't they?
Do we?
"I'm sorry", Ron said, and the tone of his voice was so raw and truthful, it took her by surprise. "I over-reacted. I just... I don't want to lose you again. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"I know", she said. "We have a lot to talk about."
:
S.
Severus rolled his eyes at the pile of paperwork on his desk and seriously considered throwing it all into the bin. He drained his coffee and put the mug down on the pile, before realising his error and trying to brush off the coffee ring it left behind. He should have left it well alone, because trying to fix it, only made it worse. It had been all paperwork and no fun of late, and he'd not left work on time all week. Lucius and Narcissa had been busy restoring the west wing of their manor, and so for the most part, he'd been left to fend for himself. The closest thing he'd had to female companionship was one kiss and a lot of pining over Hermione.
Not pining. I don't pine. I'm a grown man. I want. I yearn.
Oh, who are you kidding? You're pathetic. You're pining. And if you're pining, then you have feelings for her. You swore blind that you had a handle on this. How did you let this happen?
As he closed his eyes to better contemplate the absolute absurdity of his life, he felt his lids grow heavy and fought to keep them open. Just as he accepted that he might actually fall asleep right here at his desk, his office door swung open and jerked him back to consciousness.
"You've been avoiding me."
He blinked wildly at the figure in the doorway.
"Hermione?"
She stepped into the room and threw her bag on the chair. He found himself almost frightened by the look on her face.
"You've been avoiding me", she said again. "I know that last week was awkward for you, but it was worse for me."
"Why?" Snape asked. "What happened?"
Tell me you left him.
"I told Ron about our kiss, and I..."
Hermione's words began to blur until he could hardly decipher what she was saying.
She told him. It meant something to her then?
Or did she tell him because it didn't mean anything?
Wait? What was that? What did you say?
"... not very happy with either of us. Me more so than you, obviously. He hardly looks at me."
"You're still together?"
Snape couldn't hide the disbelief and disappointment in his voice.
What the fuck is this? Why can't I keep my feelings to myself? Do I want her to know that I'm disappointed? I'm going mad.
Oh, I'm going mad.
:
H.
Oh god. Don't look at me like that. How can I be sensible when you look at me like that?
"Yes".
And then Severus' mouth became a straight line. There was not a trace of emotion on his face, as he nodded.
"Right. Of course."
I thought he'd end it", she said; surprised by her honesty.
"Okay?" he said, as he shrugged his shoulders. "Shall we pour the champagne?"
Hermione hung her head and shook it, leaning her shoulder on the doorframe. She watched as Severus stood up and walked around to the front of his desk. He placed his palms flat on the surface behind him, leant back and sighed.
"Hermione, did you just come up here to tell me that? Because, if so, I think we're done here…"
Hermione chewed her bottom lip and looked at Severus' boots.
"No, I wanted to talk about…"
Our kiss. I can't stop thinking about it.
"Look, I'm sorry but I have work to do-"
She shifted her weight, and as though the action knocked her off balance, she spoke almost involuntarily.
"I thought that he would end it. I know he's not happy, but he can't bring himself to admit that it's over."
Hypocrite.
"He wants to move past it. He wants to try to make things work."
He wants to punish me, more like.
"And what do you want, Hermione?"
The silence was palpable as he stared at her, awaiting her response.
What do I want? What do I want?
Her heartbeat pounded in her ears and she felt all of the blood rush to legs as her body screamed 'run, you stupid bitch!' But the lion rose from its slumber, shook its mane and stared back into the black eyes that pinned her.
"What do you want?" he repeated, pushing himself off the desk and towards her.
Now his face was nothing but emotion, but Hermione couldn't pinpoint a single one and yet, she thought that she understood. He looked at her as though both of their lives depended on her answer.
Her lips parted, and she begged herself not to reply. But it was too late. Whenever she was asked a question, she answered by impulse. If she knew an answer, she had to give it. Such is the way of the know-it-all.
Her voice came so soft, so quiet, it was hardly a sound at all, as she said,
"You".