I'm skipping Heavy Meddle(S1E2A). Lincoln would never allow himself to get bullied and he just invited Ronnie Anne over just because she's the designated love interest. Both of them hit it off when they start beating up Lily which includes punching and kicking her, slamming her against the hard concrete and tree, snapping her elbow and knee joints, tearing off her tuft of hair, and finally tossing her into the street where she's run over by a sixteen wheeler truck. The rest of the girls find this romantic.
Making the Case of Why Lincoln Should Care About This Plot
"The Loud Family trophy case. My sisters have done some pretty impressive stuff to get in here. In my opinion most are pretty standard. There are Lori's golf trophies, Leni's designing awards, Luna's amateur records, Luan's comedy awards, Lynn's soccer trophies, Lucy's poetry ribbons, Lola's pageant crowns, Lana's Best Little Fix It title, Lisa's Junior Nobel Prize, and Lily's Best Punching Bag In the World." Lincoln summarized showing of the trophy case with the last one showing a picture of Lily strapped onto a punching bag with two black eyes, blood dripping down her broken little nose, and missing her only tooth. Because she suffered severe head injury she didn't survive the blows from Lynn who was the one who did the deed.
Scene cuts to Royal Woods Elementary School
"Canon Lincoln being the average middle child in a large family most likely suffers an inferiority complex being surrounded by talented older and younger sisters and would go to great lengths to prove his worth even if it meant embarrassing them or even embarrassing himself to make it up to them. Luckily I'm not Canon Lincoln so I have no real drive to obtain an empty cup painted gold." Lincoln explained to both the readers and Clyde as the two stood in front of a trophy on display.
"But Lincoln! This is the 5th Grade Video Contest! Whoever's video gets the most votes wins this beauty!" Clyde exclaimed pointing at the trophy, breathes on the glass, and draws a heart around it.(He thinks that by winning the contest he can impress Lori. Also, yes. You can pity him all you want.)
"How is that comparable to a Nobel Prize? People should be rewarded things by earning them with their skills and recording something on video doesn't take much effort at all." Lincoln chastised Clyde who just like many fifth graders wants to be popular even though that kind of fame dissolves very quickly.
"Come on Lincoln! PLEASE help me out!" Clyde begged on his knees wishing his Lori fawning fantasy would come true.
"Alright fine! But you owe me big time!" Lincoln relented as he and Clyde begin planning on what to record.
Back a the Loud house Lincoln is wearing some kind of uniform is about to perform a stunt with Clyde about to film it.(Clyde isn't the most athletic person in the world so I have to be the one to do the stunt. Sometimes it's annoying being perfect at everything.)
"Rolling!" Clyde declared as he pointed the video camera at Lincoln and pressed the record button.
"Hey, fifth grade! Lincoln Loud here! Ever wonder what happens when six hundred seventy-two breath mints meet eighty-eight gallons of diet soda? Well, you're about to find out!" Lincoln exclaimed confidently as he rides on Lana's skateboard off a ramp onto a catapult where he is launched by Charles and Cliff into a swimming pool full of diet soda, causing the soda and mints to shoot out like a geyser.
"That was amazing! You're right. Everyone's going to vote for this." Clyde excitedly shouted while drenched in diet soda.
However, a while after uploading to the school's website's contest page, the video doesn't have any votes at all.
"Why isn't anybody voting for this?" Clyde wondered very confused.
"Maybe because they're all voting for this HamstaCam video." Lincoln answers as he uploads video of what is simply a hamster just running around in his wheel like any other hamster.(It still can't hold a candle to Dramatic Chipmunk. It made the Chocolate Rain Guy's head explode after all.)
"50 votes?! Pssh! What's so great about some dumb hamster?" Clyde sarcastically said a little upset.
Geo in his hamster ball overhears this and chatters angrily.
"Not you, Geo. You're awesome." Clyde apologized but now imagines Lori cuddling a hamster.
"Hey! We got a vote! No, wait, it's a comment." Lincoln corrects himself as he reads it out loud.
Nice try, U shld go to UR BIG SISTER'S site for some tipzz. Her videos R sick: L.O.L. COMEDY CHANNEL
"Sick? Oh, no! Do you think they have a virus?!" Clyde asked very worried causing Lincoln to facepalm.(Again, why is Clyde a substitute for Leni?)
"Cute, but many people do watch Luan's channel. She has over fifty thousand followers after all though most of them watch her more explicit pay per view content. Clyde, do you know what this means?" Lincoln asks excitedly getting an idea.
"People waste a lot of time on the internet?" Clyde theorized making a jab at pretty much everybody nowadays.
"Porn and cat videos. But no! Luan can help us win the video contest! Come on!" Lincoln stated as he led Clyde to Luna and Luan's room to talk to his comedic sister.
"Mm-hmm..." Luan looks over Lincoln and Clyde's video with a thoughtful look.
"Pretty sick, right?" Lincoln asked with a look of pride.
"That means awesome." Clyde clarified as Lincoln rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, not in this case." Luan answered laying it out there.
"What do you mean?" Lincoln wondered since the stunt actually took effort.
"Sorry, Linc. Stunts are so last year. If you want to win the contest, you have to make funny videos." Luan replied as she played a video of her doing her usual routine of unicycles, juggling, and bad puns.
"What about your other videos?" Clyde asked wondering what they're about.(If he knew then he'd buy all the ones starring Lori.)
"I don't just show my best stuff without getting some money for it." Luan replied as she looks over her video cassettes labeled with names of Lincoln's mom and the rest of his sisters including Lily.
"Well, what's the best way to make a comedy video?" Lincoln asked getting back on topic.
"Easy. You just follow my one simple rule. Keep your camera on at all times, because you never know when you'll strike comedy gold. Ooh! Like this!" Luan stated as she films Clyde picking his nose.
"Aw, come on! Erase that!" Clyde pleaded not wanting Lori specifically to see it.(One tracked mind that Clyde.)
"Don't worry, Clyde. I would never post it without your permission. Besides, I said comedy gold, not digging for gold." Luan joked though a hypocrite since she would never ask Rita and the others for permission.(In Lily's case she doesn't need to so no problem there.)
Instead of waiting for something funny to happen Lincoln made it so that the event will happen immediately.
"Let's see what shenanigans my sisters are up to Clyde. Clyde?" Lincoln question since his token black friend isn't responding.
"Sorry, Lincoln. I was just worried that Lynn was going to accidentally step on that rake, resulting in a series of escalating mishaps." Clyde finally responded because he was focused on Lynn who's bouncing a soccer ball with her head while a rake is laying on the ground near her while the stuff that was used in Lincoln's stunt is still in the backyard.
"That's great, Clyde, but-series of escalating mishaps?!" Lincoln questioned as there's only one sideshow who made the rake gag memorable.
"Fifty-six...fifty-seven...fifty-eight...fifty-nine..." Lynn counted while bouncing the ball on her head unaware that she's getting closer to the rake.
Lincoln readies his camera as he records the domino effect that's about to follow.
"OUCH!" Lynn yelled in pain as she steps on the head of the rake making the pole part shoot up hitting her on her head with the ball bouncing off a pole and onto her face, sending her flying onto a trampoline where she bounces off and lands in the soda pool.
"That was hilarious!" Lincoln said as he laughed but also making sure the camera stayed focused.
"Let's go upload it! This is going to get a ton of votes!" Clyde cheered glad they didn't remove the stuff from the stunt.
"I don't know, Clyde. Enough votes to beat HamstaCam?" Lincoln asked teasingly to him.
"HamstaCam!" Clyde angrily stated while shaking his fist imagining himself throwing the hamster away so Lori can cuddle with him.
"If we struck comedy gold with one sister, with more, we'll have Comedy Fort Knox!" Lincoln exclaimed as he and Clyde laugh evilly.
Later on with Luan no longer in her and Luna's room.
"Just like me idol, Mick Swagger. ALL RIGHT!" Luna said in her British accent as she examines herself with a full body mirror trying out a pair of pants that her idol wears.
"Oof! Ooh, drafty." Luna exclaimed in surprise as the pants rip in the butt area when she did a split.
Lincoln and Clyde zoom-in on her rip while laughing and move onto Lucy who's holding a bust of the vampire Edwin.
"Oh, Edwin, I know you're forbidden to love a mortal like me, but I can't resist your piercing gaze, your sparkly skin, your icy lips..." Lucy stated to her inanimate object as she kisses the bust and gets its wax lips over hers.(It's not just vampires. Lucy's pretty into anything that's considered forbidden.)
"Hmm...maybe something like this is a little too personal." Lincoln said having seconds thoughts since Lucy is his favorite sister.(She's the least annoying.)
"HamstaCam just got 10 more votes!" Clyde stated as he checks the poll from the school's website.
"Eh, it's not that personal. Keep rolling." Lincoln rebounded his decision to delete Lucy's part.
They then secretly film Lori who is walking up to the fridge and looks around and thinks she's alone; she lets out what looks like a fart; next, they film Lola who is sleeping with a mud mask, a sleeping mask, hair curlers, and a retainer to make herself beautiful; they move onto Lana who rummages through the trash and finds a piece of gum and chews it; they film Lori again while she's texting and she presumably lets out another fart; they film Lisa who is reading a science book until she walks into the banister; Leni comes in and walks into the wall next to the banister; they film Lori yet again while she's getting ready to go out for a drive and she presumably farts again; she notices the stench and rolls down the window.(The parts with Lori are actually just Clyde stalking her.)
"Ah, Lori's toots. It's like music to my ears." Clyde creepily said making Lincoln take a few steps away from him.(At least he's better than Rusty, Liam, and Zach.)
"Now, this is going to beat HamstaCam! Let's go upload it!" Lincoln declared as he drags Clyde with him because he's still fantasizing about Lori's farts.
The next day at school, all of the kids are talking about Lincoln's video and when I said all I mean all the background kids the animators bothered to make and give speaking voices to.
"Lincoln, your video rocks! You got my vote!" female classmate #1 said as she swoons all over Lincoln.
"Man. Lucy and that sculpture? Weird but oddly endearing." male classmate #1 said with Lincoln making sure no one will make fun of his goth sister.
"And how about Lori?" female classmate #2 asked while laughing.
"You mean Miss Toots-A-Lot? She should see a doctor about that." male classmate #2 replied busting his gut laughing.(She did and was told to cut back on Mexican food. There's more to Bobby's culture besides spicy food Lori.)
As the kids laugh Lincoln should start to get worried but since he'll always get away with everything he doesn't care that his sisters are being humiliated online except Luan who already uploads funny stuff that happens to her and Lily since she's a piece of shit.
"My sisters would pulverize me if I posted a video like that!" male classmate #1 said off-handedly.
"I'd like to see them try." Lincoln said confidently as he relaxed.
Later after school with Lincoln and Clyde walking back to the Loud house.
"You can't get pulverized, Lincoln! I'd never be able to find another best friend!" Clyde shouted with worry picturing gruesome PG rated violence towards Lincoln.
"You won't have to. It's not like they can do anything to me anyways." Lincoln said no scared in the least.(By next episode everyone else will forget all about the video.)
"Just in case...we had a good run, buddy." Clyde said as he hugs Lincoln.
"Don't worry about it Clyde." Lincoln assures separating himself from Clyde and opens the door of his house.
As he opens the door, his sisters are right there, and they are incredibly furious. Lori is holding her cell phone with the video on it.
"You've got exactly three seconds before we pulverize you!" Lori angrily said using all her willing power not to crush her phone in her grasp.
Lynn cracks her knuckles and Lisa starts a stopwatch to time Lincoln's very limited time.
"There was this video contest at school and Clyde really wanted to win!" Lincoln explained nonchalantly pointing towards Clyde who sheepishly waves his hand.
"YOU SHOWED MY SLEEP FACE FOR SOME STUPID CONTEST?!" Lola screamed with great indignation.
"You think you guys deserve a trophy for that?" Luna asked in an angry but also disappointed tone.
"You made me look like a fool!" Lynn yelled shaking her fist.
"You made me look like a freak!" Lucy said in her version of shouting.
"You made me look like I fart! And for the record, it was these shoes! See?" Lori tries to make her shoes do a fart sound but fails.
"Of course it's not working now." Lori sighs still in denial.
"Let's make a deal. I'll delete the video but you'll all help me make a new one that will beat HamstaCam to the ground." Lincoln smugly said as his sisters thought it over begrudgingly.
"Alright Lincoln. We'll help as long as this video is gone for good." Lori said pointing to the video on her phone.
"There has to be something funnier than most of your sisters combined." Clyde wondered regretfully as he completely overlooked the fact that Lori would hate him for uploading her toots online.
"There's at least one sister I have yet to make a video about." Lincoln said with a devious grin as he looks at Lily.
Lily suddenly regrets wanting to be included in the group.
In the perspective of the video camera the shot shows that Lincoln is at the park entrance.
"Hey, fifth grade! Lincoln Loud here! Ever wonder what would happen if a fifteen month old baby is strapped to a go-cart and is sent out of control?" Lincoln asks as he shows his sisters tying Lily on the seat of a go-cart that they just so happen to have.
"WAAAAHHHH!" Lily cried pleading for her siblings to not do this because Lincoln made her aware of the dangers of this stunt.
"Hello, I'm Lily Loud. I'm about to ride this go-cart with no prior experience because I'm a stupid fucking baby." Lincoln said dubbing over Lily's cries.
"Rope, check." Lisa checks off the rope tied around Lily so she can't move.
"Engine, check." Lana declared as the go-cart's engine is turned on by pulling the power cord.
"Brick, check" Lynn said holding the brick that will be used to push down the drive peddle.
"Body bag, check." Lucy said holding a baby sized body bag happy that she'll get to see another gruesome but funny death.
"Everything checks out Lincoln." Lori confirms to Lincoln of the go ahead.
"Okay then! Ready! Set! Go!" Lincoln shouted as Lynn placed the brick on the drive peddle making the go-cart speed off.
"WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Lily screamed as the go-cart drove fast on the road while also hitting a couple of bumps.
The cart then goes off road and speeds through a couple of trees causing the lower branches to hit and scratch Lily.
"Looks like the trees' bark are worse than their bite!" Lincoln adding more dubbed commentary that Luan approved of.
The go-cart exits the grove of trees only to hit a rock causing Lily to be launched out of the seat and lands on a train track hard.
"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Lily cried hard feeling pain all over her small frail body.
"Uh Oh! I hope a train doesn't run me over!" Lincoln commented actually seeing a train coming.(Right on time.)
The last thing Lily sees after looking up is the train speeding right towards her.
SPLAT!
The train runs over Lily making her corpse look like a gory pancake.
"Ain't I a stinker?" Lincoln says to the camera while munching on a carrot as the video ends.
At Royal Woods Elementary
Lincoln's classmates finished watching the video and start laughing very hard except Ronnie Anne and Christina who are affectionately hugging his arms.
"Great job Lincoln. Reminds me of America's Funniest Home Movies." Christina said as she kisses Lincoln on the lips for five seconds.
"Yeah Lame-O! You even beat HamstaCam and won the trophy!" Ronnie Anne congratulated also kissing her shared boyfriend.(Are you really surprised?)
"Don't forget the awesome camera boy." Clyde proudly reminded but completely forgot he was the one who wanted the trophy.
Outside the Loud House, a happy Lincoln comes back carrying the 5th Grade Video Contest trophy.
"I earned this by showing the world that it's okay to laugh at Lily Loud's misfortune." Lincoln said to himself before he opens the door.
When Lincoln enters he sees his nine sisters who're happy to see he won and that the embarrassing video of themselves in gone.
"CONGRATULATIONS LINCOLN!" they all cheered happily as they led Lincoln to the trophy case.
"It's finally time to add you to the Loud Hall of Fame." Lynn said proudly as they opened the case.
"Need to make some room though." Leni said since there's not a lot of space for all their accomplishments.
"Let's throw this one away. It was just something Mom and Dad gave to Lily so she wouldn't feel left out." Lori stated as she grabbed the Lifetime Achievement Award For Excellence In Thumb Sucking certificate and threw it in the garbage along with the fake thumb sucking trophies and picture of Lily proudly holding her thumb out.
"Seriously, even though Lily's a baby who'd give her an award just for thumb sucking? It's an insult to awards in general." Lola said with pride remembering all the pageant awards she worked hard to win.
Lincoln places his trophy in the free space of the trophy case and wrote...
Achievement In Finding Joy Within The Little Things In Life
"Thanks writer. As long as Lily exists to suffer and die continually than I should care about the plot." Lincoln said ending this episode off.
I remember my grandfather watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Apparently he found Bob Saget funny.
Lily's death: Run over by a train. That body bag was useful in getting all her remains. Good thinking Lucy.