13. Simplicity
H.
"How could you?" Hermione shrieked. "It's such an invasion of privacy!"
Ron began pulling his clothes from the wardrobe and shoving them into his trunk.
"Are you really going to pretend that you have the moral high-ground here, Hermione? You cheated on me! You betrayed my trust!"
"Oh please. 'Cheated?'" she snapped. "'Cheating' suggests that what we had was an actual relationship. And you're hardly one to talk about breaking trust. You were tracking me!"
"It's a good job, isn't it? Otherwise, I wouldn't have known where you were. What were you going to do? Waltz back in here like nothing happened? Carry on as usual?"
"As usual?" she barked. "As usual? You mean, you sleeping at Grimmauld Place and giving me the silent treatment? Please! You knew this was over, as well as I did. Don't insult my intelligence."
"Oh, I would never want to do that", he mocked. "Besides, it's not your intelligence that I hold issue with. It's your sanity. Severus Snape, Hermione. You're mad! You've actually lost it. It's the only explanation. Or you're so desperate that you'll jump anything that shows you the slightest bit of interest."
"Fuck you, Ronald! Honestly, the only thing that makes me question my sanity is that I've put up with your bullshit for as long as I have. In fact, I must be crazy because I walked away from him to try sort things out with you, thinking that we could have a conversation like adults. I don't know what I expected!? Well, no more! Take your shit. Take your fucking map", she said, spitting the word in lieu of hexing him as she wanted to, "and get out."
Hermione snatched the map from the bed and shoved it into his hands.
"I can't believe you did that", she said, coldly. "You're not who I thought you were."
Ron grabbed his pathetic little trunk and stalked down the stairs, map in hand. She slammed the door behind him and screamed her anger. How could he? How fucking dare he? She knew that George had been working on a map, akin to the Marauder's Map, that traced people. But it was supposed to be like Molly's clock, to keep track of whether a person was safe. Not to stalk their every damn move.
Oh God, she thought. That's how he found me up on the roof with Severus too. He had known I was there. Probably knew that Severus was there too. God, I've been so foolish.
:
S.
Severus confunded his way through airport security, all the way to Prague, and back again. As he stepped out onto the streets of London and heard his mother-tongue in her many different accents, he knew that he was home. When he accidentally bumped into a lady with her nose in a book, and they both apologised by instinct, neither knowing or caring who was to blame, he was reminded again. He was no longer on holiday. He was back. Which meant that it was time for things to get back to normal. Not the warped version of normality he'd become accustomed to of late, but his preferred normal. Simplicity.
Simple.
Fuck it... Boring! What is wrong with boring?
As he stepped into his living room, he felt its familiarity like the embrace of an old friend.
Yes, he told himself. Time to get back to normal.
He sat at his writing desk and penned out a letter of apology. He had been meaning to send it for a while, but this time he would add an addendum.
Cressida,
I send both my sincerest apologies for my past behaviour and my hopes that you will join me for dinner on Saturday night.
I promise to make it up to you, if you will be so kind as to let me.
Warm Regards
Severus
He dropped his quill into the ink pot and called his owl from her perch. She was a silky, dark-plumed Great Horned Owl, brought over by an American company who had begun selling in Diagon Alley after its post-war reconstruction. She was beautiful really, although quite startling. He had called her Darcie, meaning dark one - it seemed fitting. It didn't seem fair to cage the thing, so she was allowed free roam of the house and gardens, which meant that he would sometimes catch her eyes from across the room and it would take a few moments for his eyes to adjust to what he saw, and for his heart rate to return to its usual patter. She took the letter in her talons and nodded at him. He returned the gesture and patted her on her head before she took flight out of the open window.
Severus sat on his sofa and flicked through the photographs from his trip. Most had turned out okay; some better than others. As he moved towards the back of the pile, he felt his stomach drop as he caught sight of the figure dead centre of one of the photographs. A woman had approached him and asked if he wanted a photograph of himself in front of the castle. He hadn't wanted to be rude - so very unlike him, but he was out of sorts, lately - and so he had agreed, knowing that he could just throw it out later. The Snape in the photograph stood hunched over; a sickly shadow in all black. It wasn't just that he was ugly, because he knew that he was, that was no surprise, but he looked... sad.
How pathetic.
Darcie returned the next morning with Cressida's reply in her talons. She nipped at his fingers, affectionately, until he threw her a treat from the tin he kept on the kitchen counter. As his eyes flitted across the page, he smiled.
Cordial. Willing. Normal. Simple. Entirely the opposite of...
He'd recognised the look on Hermione's face before she left. He had heard her words and understood what they meant. He'd figured it out just a couple of hours after he'd thrown his fist through the door. She was leaving to finally end things with Weasley. And then she'd come back for him, without complications – no barriers, just she and him - and it would be the beginning of something he was not ready for; would never be ready for. He loved her and he suspected that she might grow to love him in return and that was entirely the problem. He had to walk away. It had been the right choice. Walking away seven years ago had been the right choice too, but he'd been weak and let her back into his life because he missed her.
God, I miss her still.
No. I'm not going to think about her. I'm moving on.
:
H.
Hermione walked through her house as she had for the last eleven days, feeling the absence of Ron in every room. It was not just that he had removed his things - or rather, Harry had come to collect what remained of them - but his presence was not with her anymore. She had never been more lonely, and yet she felt free. As though a burden had been lifted from her very soul. From the moment she had kissed Severus in the secret place, she knew her relationship was over. Ron's girlfriend had thrown herself off the roof and the person that remained was Hermione. And Hermione wanted Severus.
However, Severus avoiding her. He hadn't been into work. Eric Something - she really should try to remember his name - had told her that Severus had demanded to take two weeks holiday, there and then, and he would be returning on the eighteenth. It was the evening of the fifteenth, which meant that she would see him soon.
She would run to him, she decided. She would tell him that it was over with Ron. She would tell him that perhaps she hadn't been clear before. That he must have misunderstood. That she had returned for him hours later, only to find that he was gone. That she was sorry. So fucking sorry. Whatever it was that he couldn't tell her, she would wait until he was ready. That she wanted to be with him. That she had made her decision. That she had known it all along but she had been torn, head versus heart. She had chosen heart; her heavy fucking heart that was all his, if he wanted it. All his, either way, even if he didn't. That she missed him. God, how she missed him.
:
S.
"Cressida? Really?" Narcissa asked with a snip of disbelief to her voice. "Severus, I thought that we'd spoken about this? You know that she's not the one."
Lucius scoffed.
"Oh, 'the one'. What nonsense. Let him have his fun."
"Exactly", Snape said, although he did not feel as though he was in any place for 'fun', and neither was Cressida the type of woman to provide it.
Narcissa rolled her eyes at the pair of them.
"Yes, but you said, Severus, that you knew she wanted something serious. You're just going to hurt her."
Didn't think of that.
"Oh, she's a grown woman", Lucius said in a bored drawl. "It's one date. And if it turns into more, then as long as he maintains a respectable distance throughout the relationship, she can't be surprised when he inevitably breaks her heart."
"Who says I will break her heart?" Snape said, with mild indignation.
"I do", Narcissa said with narrow eyes. "Call it off! You're being cruel to her."
Perhaps.
"She knows who I am", Severus said. "I have shown her my true colours and if she has chosen to paint me with her own palette, that is on her."
And with that, he downed the rest of his drink and stood up, indicating that the conversation was over, and no more opinions would be humoured.
"You don't want her. You're just hurt. Please, just think about it, Severus?" Narcissa said as he grabbed his wand from the table.
"I am not hurt", he snipped, and he disapparated.
:
H.
Hermione pulled her favourite dress over her head and straightened the hem. Sliding on a pair of strappy shoes, she considered where she might go now that she was all dressed up. It had been a long time since she had been out into town, and longer still since she'd gone out alone. In fact, she couldn't recall that she ever had. Ron had accompanied her everywhere. Particularly after dark. That was one of the perks of being one half of a whole; you always had someone to drag along with you when you were too nervous to go alone. Although now she wondered if it was simply because he wanted to keep an eye on her.
Apparating right into the centre of a busy London street was not the best choice. It took a moment to get her bearings and for the world to right itself. With every double take from slack-jawed wizards, Hermione felt herself stand taller, and grow more confident, just as long as none dared to actually talk to her. She still wasn't entirely recovered from being followed on Frantic Alley. As she moved down the street, she caught sight of the red sign that hung outside the restaurant that she and Severus had reconnected in - Tiffs. As she approached, she allowed herself to look in the window, and recall how she had felt to see Severus again after all those years, and what it might be like to see him now. And then, with a hitch in her breath, she realised that she was seeing him now. She was staring right at him.
He was as unconventionally handsome as he had always been, but with a slight tan to his face and arms, as though he had spent a lot of time outdoors. She couldn't help but fixate on him. The way that he sat back in his chair, at ease and in control. The way that he rolled up his sleeves before he poured himself a glass of wine. The way that his face broke into a smile, so devastating and beautiful, that it physically hurt her to see it. And it was then that she realised that he wasn't alone. Opposite him sat a pretty brunette in her thirties, perhaps late thirties; her haircut aged her.
Oh my god. It's the same woman.
The woman tucked her hair behind her ears as she took the glass from Severus and as their hands met, Hermione noticed that they both allowed their touch to linger a little longer than they needed.
It's a date. He's on a date?
Severus moved backwards again on his chair and he laughed. He really, truly chuckled. Hermione felt her chest constrict as she stood at the window and watched the couple, unable to look away.
I don't understand? I don't… Oh my god.
Hermione wondered if heartbreak was physical. Because the pain was in her chest, not her mind. The picture of the couple in front of her became cloudy, as her eyes misted. It wasn't until a waiter stepped out of the restaurant and kindly asked if she wanted to come in, that she broke her gaze.
"No", she said. "Sorry, I was just looking".
The waiter narrowed his eyes, as he studied her.
"Then can you please move along?" he said, and all of a sudden she felt like a peeping tom, reprimanded for her inappropriate behaviour.
She nodded and took one last look of longing. As she turned away, she thought that she saw his eyes meet hers, but then she was gone, walking through the streets so fast it was almost a run. She felt her ankles tear as her heels fell between the cobbles, but it didn't hurt at all because all she could feel was her misery.
He doesn't want me.
:
S.
Three weeks passed like no time at all. He and Cressida had had a second date the following week, and a third the week after. They had exchanged owls in between to 'catch up' at Cressida's insistence, and he had yet to find anything to complain about. She was perhaps a little too keen, but that was a nice change of pace. She was sweet and clever. She was even funny sometimes. He did have a good time with her. But it wasn't the same. He spent most of their time together wishing she was Hermione, and the rest of the time trying to subtly persuade her into his bed. She had yet to take him up on the offer.
Prude.
"She's nice", Severus said, as he took the bowl of roast potatoes from Narcissa.
"... And?" she asked, as she sat back in her seat.
"That's it. She's nice. She's fine."
"'Fine?'" Lucius asked, with a note of disdain in his voice. "Oh, Severus, my boy. Come on now. Don't settle down with 'fine'."
"I'm not settling down", he protested, as he flashed his eyes at Draco who sat opposite him with a grin on his face. "How much does he know?"
"Oh, I know everything", Draco said with a grin. "You're pining over some woman, while you're shacked up with another."
"He doesn't know shit, Severus. Ignore him", Lucius drawled and rolled his eyes at his son.
"Well, that's not true. He knows that you're dating someone", Narcissa said, "and that you were briefly involved with someone else. That is the extent of his knowledge, so don't use any names and you'll be fine."
Draco sat up eagerly in his chair, and all at once he was thirteen again.
"Names...", he said, "... so it's someone I know?"
"No, it is not. Who do you know? You have no friends. Now back off", Lucius said, smacking his son gently on the back of the head, with a low note of bemused laughter.
Draco turned to face Jessica who sat beside him, and they shared a secret smile.
"Carry on, Severus", Narcissa said. "You were telling us about your lady friend. That she is fine... and other romantic ideals."
"Oh, hush woman", Snape said from behind a smile that he could not help but leak. "She's nice, and she's smart, she's normal..."
Draco let out a derisive puff of air and spat out a piece of carrot. Lucius looked at his son with disbelief and then to his wife.
"Are you sure he is my son?" Lucius asked. "You didn't fool around behind my back?"
"Sorry, Darling. He's all yours."
Draco smirked as he stuffed a forkful of potato into his mouth.
"Oh, fucking hell", Lucius muttered and sank another glass of brandy. "What the hell did they do to you in Azkaban?"
It was true that Draco had changed considerably since the battle, and more still since he had begun his relationship with Jessica. In fact, Severus found the little brat's company much more enjoyable since she'd straightened him out. He was much less pompous; much less his father. He was much less concerned with image; much less his mother. Draco had always been the worst of both Lucius and Narcissa, yet now, Severus could find hardly a trace of either of them in him.
"Why did you snort, Draco?" Snape asked with a little snip to his voice, but he allowed a smile to flash across his face so that Draco, and more importantly Jessica, who was not yet entirely used to his humour, knew that he was not seriously angry.
"Who wants 'normal'?" he asked. "Normal is boring."
"She's not boring", Snape said, although that wasn't entirely true. "She's smart, and she's worldly, but she's I don't know... she's not..."
Narcissa placed her hand on his.
"She's not who you want to be with", she said and tapped his hand.
I'm not going to think about her.
On their next date, Cressida wore a brooch on her lapel that kept drawing his eyes to her chest and he wondered if she'd pinned it there on purpose; a crystal serpent with green eyes that seemed to wink at him.
"So, you were a Slytherin, then?" he asked, gesturing to the pin.
She nodded.
"Of course. Let me guess. You were too?"
You know that. Everybody who reads the bloody paper knows that.
"Yes", he said. "I was head of house, remember?"
She nodded.
"Right, yes. I had quite forgotten. Everyone on my Dad's side has been a Slytherin. He was really pleased when I got in, but it runs in families, doesn't it?"
"Not always..."
The conversation stagnated and Severus realised that he had run out of small talk. Cressida seemed to agree that they were now passed the tiny-talk part of their relationship and it was time to jump into the deep end.
"You know the woman you thought you saw on our first date?" Cressida said with a cheerful smile. "Will you tell me about her?"
Not jealous. That's a good sign. Balanced. Normal.
Simple. Just what he needed after all of the madness with…
I'm not going to think about her.
"Really?" he asked. "Isn't that considered rude?"
"Perhaps. But I have the sneaking suspicion that you prefer people to be direct and I have been wondering, so I thought... I should ask."
"If you're sure?"
"Very much so", she said. "I'd like to know more about you and your past relationships."
"We were emphatically not in a relationship", Severus said. "That was the problem. She was in a relationship; a complicated one, and I sort of... accidentally got caught in the middle of it."
"Sounds complicated."
Oh, you caught that, huh?
"It was", he said. "I don't like complicated. So, I broke it off."
No. You just walked away, without a word. Again. Like a damn coward.
She nodded enthusiastically.
"I'm the same way", she said. "I like a simple life."
Simple. Boring.
"I just do not have the patience for it any more", he said. "It seems so adolescent. I would just prefer that people say how they feel."
Hypocrite. Are you going to tell Cressida that you're not really taken with her? That you're in love with someone else?
And Hermione did tell you how she feels. 'I can't stop thinking about you. Not for a second'.
No! I'm not going to think about her.
"I agree entirely", she said, and she smiled with her whole face.
"I've been there before, years... decades ago", he corrected, "and we're friends now, and I am close with her husband too, but at the time it was all so messy. I didn't want to do 'messy' again."
Liar. You didn't want to get hurt again. And you didn't want to burden Hermione with your…
No. I'm not going to think about her.
"Tell me about that?"
"Okay, I may as well", he said. "You might meet them one day, so I suppose I should pre-warn you."
Her eyes lit up.
Should have seen that coming. Meeting my friends is a step too close to commitment.
"I'd love to meet your friends."
"I will... err—"
Oh, what the fuck is he doing here?
Severus' black eyes met the blue and he stood to his feet. Ronald Weasley stood before him; his face puffy and red with anger.
Fucking wonderful.
"Good evening, Weasley", Severus said, with all of the patience and cordiality he could summon.
"Don't you fucking talk to me", he spat from behind his gritted teeth. "You fuck my girlfriend and you tell me 'good evening'? I don't think so."
Cressida's eyes flew open and Severus rolled his.
"Who the hell is this?" Weasley asked, pointing at Cressida. "Does Hermione know that you're out with another woman?"
"What business is it of Hermione's who I eat dinner with?", Severus said, with his fists curled at his side.
Stay calm. Don't make a scene.
Ron's anger burst and there followed maniacal laughter. Snape's fists turned white as he forced them closer to his side.
Fuck it! Rip his fucking head off! Literally tear his head from his shoulders!
"Oh, that's brilliant", Weasley said with a smug voice. "I love it!"
For a moment Snape's rage moved to the side so that confusion could step to the foreground.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"She's not with you, is she?" Weasley smiled. "Oh, this is the best thing that's happened to me all day. She left me for you and you're not even together."
Fuck you.
"You can leave", Snape said. "I'm not even going to entertain this display."
She did it. She ended it. Did she come back for me?
What does it matter? You weren't there. You ran away. Coward.
"You're not going to duel me for her heart, Snape? Oh, I was so hoping that we would take this outside."
"I don't want her heart", he snapped, but his answer came too quickly, and his voice betrayed his lie.
Weasley didn't seem to hear it. But he thought that perhaps Cressida had.
"Are you seriously telling me that you snubbed her?" Weasley asked, with a sick and happy little grin. "Shit, I guess I owe you one. Actually, no. I suppose we're even."
Snape took his seat at the table and his fists fell to open hands, tipped with trembling fingers.
"We're done here", he said.
Weasley patted Severus on the shoulder and he snatched his arm away.
"She's not worth it, anyway", Weasley said. "She's a rotten lay. Well... you'd know all about that."
"Watch your tongue, Weasley, before I cut it from your mouth."
"Alright, I'll leave you to your date", he said smugly, nodding towards Cressida.
She had stirred in her chair and shifted uncomfortably as Weasley turned to her.
"Watch out for this one", he said, "he doesn't give a shit about fidelity."
Snape closed his eyes and waited for the boy to leave.
Just one hex. It'll be fine. A short stay in Azkaban to wipe that smug grin off his face.
He opened his eyes and saw that Cressida stared at him with sadness in her eyes. Not anger. Just a gentle and understanding sadness. They sat together in silence until he could not bear it a moment longer.
"I'm sorry", Severus said, because there was nothing else he could say.
"That's okay. It's he who should apologise!"
What?
"I'm sorry that I have ruined our evening", he said, wondering if she thought that he was apologising for something else.
"He, Severus. Not you. He tried to ruin our evening. So, the solution is simple. We salvage it."
Simple.
"You want to just move on? You want us to forget it?"
"Unless you want to talk about it?" she asked. "If you need an ear… I have two."
"I'd prefer that we forget it," Snape said.
"It's already forgotten", she said. "Now, where were we?"
You really don't want to talk about that? You don't have anything to say on the matter?
"You were talking about your friends - an ex-girlfriend and her husband..."
"... Yeah", he said, confused by her quick acceptance, but not wanting to return to the matter at hand. "The Malfoys. I dated Narcissa for about a year or so. We're all friends now, but for a while it was..."
Excruciating? Devastating? Impossible?
"… it was rather difficult", he decided.
"I can't imagine being friends with an ex", she said. "Let alone their partner too."
"It's far less complicated than it sounds. You'll see for yourself when you meet them", he said. "How does tomorrow evening work for you?"
:
H.
Becoming the centre of her own universe was not as easy as Hermione had anticipated. The issue, she realised, was that she was lonely. She had always been part of a group, and later, one half of a couple. All of a sudden she was a solitary unit, which would take some getting used to. She chose to start by making a friend. So simple an idea, yet so grand an undertaking. Making friends in adulthood was not like making friends as a child. You couldn't just go up to someone and say 'hi, I like your backpack, do you want to share my cookies?'
Or can you? What is the grown-up version?
Hermione approached Jessica as she stacked shelves, and took a deep breath to ready herself. Jessica swung around and almost knocked Hermione over, which took care of announcing her presence.
"Oops! Sorry, Hermione. Didn't see you there", Jessica said, as though it had been her fault that she hadn't noticed the stoic figure stood behind her, in awkward silence.
Hermione picked up a book that had fallen from Jessica's arms and handed it back to her.
"Hey, I was wondering..." Hermione said, swallowing the lump that began to form in her throat. "Would you fancy going out for a drink after work? I don't know many people here—"
Jessica raised her eyebrows and grinned, and it was so unexpected a reaction that for a moment Hermione thought she was about to be hexed.
"Yes! I'd love to. Oh my god!", Jessica said. "I've been trying to figure out a way to ask you to do something outside work for weeks now. But it's so hard to know what to say. It's not like when you're a kid, is it? When you would just go up to someone and say 'hey, you seem cool, let's be friends'!"
"I was just thinking exactly that! That's odd."
"Not really", Jessica said with a coy smile, "I think you'll find we have a lot in common."
"What makes you say that?"
Jessica stuffed a book back onto the shelves and talked over her shoulder.
"Well," she said, almost conspiratorially. "I went to Hogwarts. I know all about the shit you got up to at school. All the Ravenclaws talked about you. Now, I can't say I ever fought a real troll but I did once jinx Irma Pince..."
"You didn't?"
"Oh I did", Jessica beamed. "It was an accident, but still... Hey, wait... didn't you punch my boyfriend once?"
Hermione pressed her lips together and grimaced.
"Yeah", she said apologetically.
"Right, I'm going to need to know everything."