AN: Dialogue-heavy. Necessary evil. A better writer than I, I'm sure, could and would have cut out some of the chatter but this is what you get, I'm sorry, haha.
14. Scheming
H.
Friendship with Jessica came easily. She had been right, they did have a lot in common. They were both muggleborns, Jessica had gone to primary school not far from Hermione. They were both rational to a fault, and naturally prone to being high-strung and difficult to please. Jessica had learned to relinquish control, she'd said, and would teach Hermione how to do the same. And they both loved to read - a prerequisite for working in a library, Hermione knew - but she had not anticipated how much so. 'Bring your favourite book, tomorrow', they'd agreed, and they laughed when they each pulled a copy of Hogwarts: A History from their bags, seven years after leaving; nine years for Jessica. When she described Draco, Hermione could not reconcile this version of Malfoy with the person she had known. But she supposed, neither was Severus who she had expected.
"Get up!" Jessica said, determined that she would pull Hermione out of her sadness by any means necessary. "We're going to dance away the sadness."
Hermione folded her arms tightly to her chest, as Jessica tugged on them.
"Come on! I won't take 'no' for an answer."
Hermione rolled her eyes and stood up, reluctantly from the sofa.
"I know you know this song, Jessica said with a grin that filled her face, "every muggleborn witch who grew up in the eighties knows this song."
Jessica pulled her wand from her pocket and with a gentle flick of her wrist, Prince's Kiss began to play on the record player. Hermione couldn't help but surrender to the flutter of a smile on her lips.
"I defy anyone to be sad when this song is playing", Jessica said. "Even Draco likes it."
"Draco!?" Hermione said, her eyes wide and interested. "No way! I don't believe it."
"You don't have to be beautiful..." Jessica sang, as she grabbed Hermione by the hands and forced her to move, "... to turn me on."
Hermione felt her toes begin to tap in spite of herself, and before she knew it, she and Jessica were jumping on chairs and tables, the joy of the music infectious as it was. Jessica held her hands aloft as she threw her hair from side to side to the rhythm. Even Hermione felt herself attempt to actually dance, which it turned out, was not something she was very good at unless it was highly organised and choreographed.
"My turn to choose", Hermione said, as she leapt from the sofa and pulled her wand from the table. "If you don't like this song, I'm walking out."
Jessica threw her head back and laughed, as she bumped int0 the coffee table.
"Who put that there?" she said, as she smacked the table, as though to scold it. "Bad table."
"Oh my God! My Dad used to do that", Hermione said. "You're ancient!"
"Excuse me! I'm only two years older than you", Jessica said playfully, as she thrust another glass of wine into Hermione's hand and the record player scratched back to life. "Oh! Who doesn't like this song?!"
"Do you know how long it's been since I listened to muggle music?" Hermione yelled happily, over the roar of the intro. "Ron hated it."
"Forget Ron! He's an idiot!" Jessica shouted, before beginning to wail incorrect lyrics to the tune of Heroes, by David Bowie.
:
S.
Severus caught sight of Hermione and waited for her to turn her back before he passed through the library reception. She turned just as he rounded the corner and took a steadying breath before picking up his pace. Ignoring her wasn't the most rational course of action, nor could he keep it up forever, but it would be a lot more difficult not to think about her if he had to look at her. Because when he looked at her, he wanted to kiss her. And if he kissed her, they'd be exactly where they were before.
Whatever the reason, Hermione had chosen not to tell him she had ended things with Weasley. He'd worked through all of the possible reasons she would have kept it to herself, but he kept settling on one truth. Weasley's assessment. She didn't want to be with him. Which was fine, because he didn't want to be with her either.
Cressida was fine. Sex with her was fine. Everything about her was fine. She was a nice person.
She deserves better than you, anyway. God! Why isn't 'nice' enough?
Severus sat on the bed and pulled on his trousers. As he stood up to fasten them, Cressida approached, wrapped in just a towel, with big, bright eyes and he felt his stomach turn. She may as well have written 'I love you' on one eyelid and 'marry me?' on the other.
Oh no. This was a mistake.
As he took in the look on her face, the truth of Narcissa's words before his first date with Cressida hit him like an unforgivable curse right to the chest.
'You're just going to hurt her. You're being cruel to her.'
… Was she right?
"Last night was incredible", she said, and she sighed in a way that said that she was truly happy.
Why can't I just be happy?
"Mmm", Severus said, and he begrudgingly accepted her offer of an embrace.
He didn't want to lie to her. He felt as though he was doing enough of that simply by inviting him to her room. It was a lie when he kissed her. He lied when he held her hand. He lied when he undressed for her.
Cressida opened her mouth and she looked for a moment as if she was readying herself to say something important.
Oh god. Don't say it.
"Severus, I..."
Don't. Don't you dare. Please don't say it.
"I'm so glad that you asked me out", she continued and Severus let out a breath of deepest relief. " I've never been so happy."
Oh, God. That's almost as bad.
"I'm... glad you accepted."
"I know", Severus said. "I need to talk with her."
"No. You need to end it!" Narcissa snapped, forgoing all of her usual tact. "I told you. You're going to break her heart."
Severus looked to Lucius. He could usually be counted on to offer a counter-argument.
"Hey, don't look at me. I'm with her", he drawled. "Not for the same reasons, but you should end it. She sounds a little intense. How long has it been? Not even a couple of months? You've only been on a few dates. Get out while you still have your testicles attached to your body."
Lucius took a canapé from a passing tray and shoved it into his mouth. He swallowed and quickly summoned the tray back and had it float beside him.
"As in... you believe she is emasculating me?" Severus asked, exasperated and a little irritated. "Or that she-"
"That she will literally cut your balls off, yes, that is what I mean."
"Don't be ridiculous", Snape said and turned to Narcissa who shrugged and walked away to join the party planner, who was overseeing the caterer.
"Oh, lighten up!" Lucius said, shoving the tray of canapés into his hands. "Here, have one of these. The prawn ones are delightful. Remember you have to walk away before they get clingy…"
"What?" Severus asked, confused, looking at the tray of canapés and then back to Lucius.
Lucius shook his head as he laughed, and a sliver of white hair fell from his ponytail.
"No, not the prawns, you idiot. Women."
"Ah", Severus said. "And, err - what if they've already... clung?"
Lucius pondered for a moment.
"Would you consider faking your own death?" he asked.
"Right. Brilliant. Very helpful. Anyway, tell me…" Snape said, hoping for a change in conversation. "Why are we rehearsing a dinner party?"
"Narcissa likes everything to run perfectly. You will be joining us tomorrow, won't you?"
Severus took a whiff of the prawn appetiser and placed it back on the tray.
"Of course! I wouldn't miss it! I'm just so excited for the reveal of the west wing!"
Lucius narrowed his eyes.
"You know, sarcasm doesn't become you, Severus."
Snape grinned.
"Oh, your words! They hurt me."
:
H.
Hermione's sweaty palms and quickening heart recognised the woman before she did. Her silver hair was pinned in elaborate curls on top of her head, and the large sapphires that hung from her ears caught the light and fractured a pretty blue hue across the reception. She moved towards Jessica and opened her arms to embrace her. Hermione's mouth was suddenly dry, but she didn't dare reach out and grab the bottle of water that sat on her desk, for fear of drawing attention to herself.
It had been years since she had writhed on Narcissa Malfoy's floor and yet it was as though she was still bloodied and broken; she could still hear Bellatrix's cackle of laughter as she cried. She could still see Narcissa stood at the side of the room with her hand over her mouth and her eyebrows furrowed.
Narcissa and Jessica laughed and smiled throughout their conversation and Hermione couldn't ignore the absolute absurdity of this muggle-hating, blood purist, embracing her perfect son's Mudblood girlfriend. She let out a low, involuntary huff of irritation that drew both of their attention towards her and her heart began again to hammer inside her chest. She didn't look at Jessica, her attention was on Narcissa, who seemed very interested in her.
Her face tightened as she took in Hermione, and then, all at once, Narcissa's eyes opened wide and her lips parted. Her face lost of all its colour, and those piercing grey eyes became pink and glassy. She stared at Hermione, and Hermione returned it, unable to look away.
As Narcissa's hand flew to her face, Hermione realised what she was looking at.
Shame.
Without her knowledge, Hermione's fear shifted into sadness until she too felt her eyes prick with the hot sting of tears. Jessica placed her hand on Narcissa's back and guided her out of reception.
Why do I feel guilty? I didn't do anything wrong?
Hermione supposed that she was so accustomed to guilt of late, that her mind had come to expect it, and simply created it in its absence. However, there was understanding there. Hermione had her own fair share of shame that she lugged around in a trunk for when she was feeling particularly morose, and then she would have a good rifle through it. Of course, nobody had ever been tortured on her watch, but she had hurt someone.
Hermione hardly had a chance to right herself long enough to continue cataloguing the returns, before Jessica and Narcissa stepped back into the library. Jessica alone walked towards Hermione.
"Come on", she said. "We're taking a break. Simon has it covered."
"I don't want to go anywhere with her", Hermione said.
She hadn't meant it to sound so pathetic.
"Yes, you do", Jessica said. "Hear her out. If you never want to see her again, that is your choice. She will never return here. I'll make sure of it."
Hermione took her seat on the picnic bench with Jessica to her right and Narcissa opposite. Hermione had insisted that the conversation happen outside, if it had to happen at all…
Outside. Where there are plenty of witnesses.
"Right", Jessica said, acting as unelected mediator. "Hermione, you are my friend. Narcissa, you are Draco's mother. That means that I am impartial here."
Both Narcissa and Hermione nodded.
"Narcissa, will you tell Hermione what you told me? Then if Hermione wishes to respond she can. If that opens a discussion, then wonderful. If not… we all walk away with no harm done. Okay?"
They both nodded again. Jessica gestured to Narcissa to allow her to speak, but as though she couldn't find the words to begin, she simply shook her head with her eyebrows drawn together.
"I don't know where to start", she said. "I can't even begin to express how sorry I am."
"I know", Hermione said, and to her surprise, she did know.
Narcissa was genuine. There was no actress alive who could carve such sorrow into her face.
"I was drawn into the darkness from the moment I was old enough to be useful", Narcissa said. "It was the path I had been on all my life. It never occurred to me that it was wrong until it was too late."
Just like Severus.
Except Severus took a great risk to betray Voldemort. The Malfoys didn't turn until they were sure he was losing.
"I think I understand", Hermione said. "I don't want to be angry with you. I'm so tired of anger."
"We wanted to walk away, we truly did. But everybody we knew was on his side. We didn't have anywhere to turn. He'd have killed us. I had to protect my son."
Just like Lily.
"I love my son, Hermione. I've never known a love like it. I would die before I let anything happen to him. The only people I have ever had in my corner were my sister, my husband and Severus. I went to him, you know, when The Dark Lord chose Draco to kill Dumbledore. I made him swear that he would do it, knowing that he would not deny me. It was an abuse of our friendship, truth be told. It was my second act in defiance of The Dark Lord, and Severus agreed to be part of it. It was Severus who first taught me Occlumency so that I could lie to him; that was our first betrayal. That was how I was able to tell him that Potter was dead – which was my third act of defiance. I believed that The Dark Lord had killed Severus and I hated him for it. I knew I would never live to betray him a fourth time. But, I didn't know that Severus had switched... I didn't know! He kept it from me. Do you see? If I had known that I had someone on the other side then, I don't know... maybe things would be different?"
"Don't blame him", Hermione snipped.
"I'm not. I'm not at all. What I am saying is that Severus is brave. I am not. I need someone to hold my hand if I am going to take a risk, and he was always the one who took it. Each time I turned my back on The Dark Lord, it was Severus who urged me through."
As Hermione tried to access her hatred, to reassess it, she realised that where there had been sadness and fear and anger, there was only empathy. Not forgiveness. But understanding.
"I understand but that doesn't make it okay", Hermione said, feeling her sharp edges soften.
"I know. But if it means anything… I never hurt anyone. Not in all these years. I persuaded, and I threatened… once or twice I resorted to the Imperius curse, but I did not physically harm anyone."
"And your husband? Can the same be said for him?"
Narcissa dropped her head.
"Blood purity is what we heard all our lives and learned as truth. It takes a long time to unlearn those behaviours. Lucius is proud and reckless – and he is attracted to status and power. The Dark Lord offered us that. We did not know – could never have imagined – the lows he would stoop to, in order to get and keep power. I love my husband, but he too is a coward. We did what we thought was best, given the situation. We had gotten ourselves into the mess, but it was much harder to claw our way out. I am just sorry that we were not brave like you and Severus. I know what you did for him…"
You do?
"… He is very important to me. I will forever be in your debt. For what I let happen to you in my home, and again for what you did to care for him. Anything, and I mean anything I can do for you, all you have to do is name it."
"Thank you", Hermione said, unsure what else there was to be said.
:
S.
Narcissa stared at the menu in front of her and her brow furrowed.
"I just didn't like her, Severus, okay? Anyway, what did you think of the cucumber soup? Too much?"
"It was fine", he said. "The canapés were bland and pretentious, however. And what could the woman possibly have done to offend you in the thirty seconds I was away from the table?"
"The canapés were delicious, Darling", Lucius said, kissing his wife on the cheek as he passed through the kitchen. "Ignore Severus and his misguided palate."
"Canapés are supposed to be pretentious, Severus", she said, dropping the menu. "It's nothing she did. I thought Cressida was quite lovely. She is just not right for you."
"Narcissa, Darling", Lucius said with a tone of warning, "you have your meddlesome face on. Drop it. He has made his choice."
"It's the wrong choice", Narcissa snipped. "And you know it, Severus."
"Tell me, Narcissa, since you know me so well", Snape drawled, as though it was not true that Narcissa did know him - better, in fact, than anyone, "what is it about her that is 'not right for me'?"
Lucius stopped in the doorway, keen to listen in on the conversation.
"Well for a start", Narcissa said, "she's not Hermione."
"I have made my decision! You don't have to like it. But you do have to drop it."
"You're right… I don't like it," she said.
"I don't give a shit what you like! God! You're so damn nosey!"
"Severus, stop it!" Lucius snapped, moving tall, in towards Severus, in an unexpected display of anger. "You sound like a petulant teenager! Worse even than Draco ever was. We are your friends and we want what is best for you. Stop taking your heartbreak out on my wife. If you're going to continue slinging insults, you can damn well leave."
"My heart is quite whole, thank you very much", he said with a sulk.
Oh God, I do sound like Draco.
Lucius scoffed.
"Oh, you are maddening! You can't even admit that you're in pain. It is not brave to hurt in silence, Severus. What is it that you are so afraid of?"
Lucius pulled himself to full height and Severus moved to meet him; both squaring their shoulders.
"What has you so unbelievably fucked up that you're afraid to love her?!" Lucius said, with a prod to Snape's shoulder. "Love is not weakness! Did you not learn anything from the Dark Lord?!"
"He murdered Lily!" Snape said. "So, no! I have not forgotten the lesson he taught me about love!"
"What lesson? What are you wittering about!? Unless... Were you..." Lucius' face dawned with comprehension. "You were in love with Lily Potter!?"
"Fine. Yes", Snape said, folding his arms, and narrowing his eyes. "I loved her. Before Narcissa, before Potter. We loved each other. I begged The Dark Lord to spare her life and—"
"And he killed her", Lucius finished, with a rueful tone and a nod of understanding, as though he was piecing together the full story.
"Yes".
"He didn't initially plant to kill her, did he?"
"No", Severus said, and his voice cracked for the first time; unable to keep his composure.
"He killed her because you begged for her life?"
"Yes".
Don't you dare cry, he warned himself. This is hard enough.
"That hateful bastard. He was punishing you. She died because you begged for her life and you begged for her life because you loved her", Lucius said, no longer asking - he knew.
"Yes".
Severus hung his head and took a deep, steadying breath.
"Severus… do you think she died because you loved her?" Lucius asked.
"Yes."
"And so… you think... what? That you're protecting Hermione by not admitting your feelings for her?"
Severus shrugged.
I'm not just protecting her. It's more complicated than that.
"I suppose", he said.
"Oh, Severus, you are still in your head. I have already warned you against it. You cannot apply logic to your feelings. Reason and emotion are almost always polar opposites. You must know that. You are far too smart not to."
"There's nothing else? No other reason that you think loving someone makes you vulnerable?" Narcissa asked, urging him to finish his sorry story, knowing as well as he did that there was more to tell, but he had told more than enough for one day.
"No", Severus said, with a glare of defiance. "That is everything. And I would prefer that not a word I have said will leave the three of us."
"On my honour. I won't tell a soul", Lucius said. "I'm sorry, by the way. The Dark Lord was most cruel. Now, if you'll forgive me, I should attend to the waiting staff."
"Of course", Snape said, as Lucius patted him on the back and left him alone with Narcissa.
He stared at her, as she pressed her lips and raised her eyebrows.
"What?" Severus asked.
"You could have told him, you know?" she said.
"Narcissa, I hate that even you know. I only told you because I was young and drunk, and madly in love with you."
She smiled. She still liked to hear that he once had feelings for her, even if no such feelings remained. It was a fanciful reminder of their youth.
"You have to learn to trust people, love. You know that what happened with Potter and his friends isn't going to happen again", she said, placing her hand on his shoulder. "You were sixteen. You're not that boy anymore."
"Exactly", he said. "The dangers I fear are far worse than some schoolyard bullying."
"You say that, but it was still the worst thing that ever happened to you, isn't it?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
She sighed.
"You know, if you spent less time with your thoughts, and spoke with people more, you might find that they surprise you. If you just spoke with Hermione- if you just opened up a little you might—"
"Nope", he said, popping the 'p', "don't start with that again."
"Fine", she said, rolling her eyes. "We can change the subject if you'd like?"
"Please", he said, with a grateful, pressed-lipped smile.
"Okay then", Narcissa said. "I met her… Hermione."
Snape's eyes shot wide.
"What?!"
"I like her a lot. I see why you're so taken with her."
"Oh, for fuck's sake."
"I invited her tonight, by the way", she said, "so you might want to nip home and change into something a little nicer."
Hold on. What?
"You did what?!" Severus snapped, as he stormed out of the kitchen behind Narcissa, who, anticipating this reaction, had swiftly moved out of the room that housed the knives.
"I invited Hermione to tonight's soiree", she repeated. "She is Jessica's friend after all."
Snape shrugged with his whole body.
"So?"
"So... I thought that Jessica would like some company."
"Oh my God. Are you trying to kill me?"
Narcissa spun on her heel and moved towards Severus. Her eyebrows were furrowed, her lips were pursed, and her face was pink with irritation.
"No, Severus. I am not trying to kill you. If anything, I am trying to help you. Stop stringing Cressida along and tell Hermione how you feel."
"Not in a million years. You can stop your petty match-making! Whatever scheme you are cooking up, just stop."
"No! You stop!" Narcissa snapped, throwing a tea towel onto the counter. "She is not with the boy anymore. She was with you, Severus. Freely and willingly. She is likely waiting for you to come to your senses."
"I am finally thinking clearly", he snipped.
"Are you? She asked you what was wrong, and you told her you were fine. She asked you if you wanted her to stay, and you said no. If you were only lying to her or to Cressida that would be one thing, but you are lying to yourself, and it is absurd. Why are you so set on being miserable?!
"You know why", he said, and he felt the familiar pressure on his chest that came whenever he thought about it.
"Severus, come on. We've talked about this. It won't be like that… She's not Lily."
"It hurts all the same", he said, swallowing the lump in his throat.
"What's a little pain? We've lived through worse."
Snape raised his hands in defeat and moved away.
"I can't believe you invited her here", he muttered and stepped out of the kitchen.
He heard her follow behind, and he was about ready to tell her not to bother, when she spoke.
"Severus", she said, in a small voice; uncertain and fearful. "Do you know?"
He turned to face her and met her solemn eyes.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Do I know what, love?"
"What happened here. What Bella did to Hermione."
Severus shifted his weight from side to side.
"Yes", he said eventually. "She told me. We shared horror stories."
Narcissa's body sagged so much that she looked smaller.
"I was there", she said.
"I know".
"I didn't make the connection. When you told us about Hermione, I didn't remember her. It wasn't until I saw her that I realised who she was and what I had done... You didn't say a word?"
"Would you have preferred a scolding?" he asked, cocking his head.
Narcissa turned her back and busied herself with cleaning that she could have easily and better accomplished with her wand.
"You feel guilty?" he asked.
"Of course! Don't you hate me?"
He gave a dry laugh.
"Narcissa, why would I hate you? You are my oldest, dearest, most treasured friend. I love you. You have done far worse than stand by while someone was hurt. As have I."
"But she's different. I can't understand how you can even look at me. You hated the Dark Lord for what he did to—"
"Don't!" he snapped. "Don't you ever compare yourself to him. You are not like him. We all did what we had to stay alive."
"But you switched!"
"Because he killed Lily. If she had lived, I would have followed him into the darkness and never looked back. You can't understand what it is like to lose a loved one at his hands."
Narcissa placed her hand flat on the counter. Severus placed his on top of it, knowing that it was the comfort she wanted, though she would never ask.
Some things will never change.
"I can't understand what that's like?" she asked, gently. "He said he had killed you. He returned from the shack and he boasted about it, Severus; said he had murdered you to take control of the Elder Wand. He killed you for power. Just like he killed Lily over a damn prophecy. He was mad! But that's why we deserted him. I could not stand beside him thinking he had killed you. Before you sent your letter, I spent weeks in Azkaban, thinking... I thought you were dead, Severus. So don't tell me I don't understand."
Severus placed his arms around Narcissa's shoulder and pulled her into an embrace by way of apology. But it wasn't enough. She deserved to hear it.
"You're right. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I was an arsehole before. You're not nosey… I mean, you are, horribly nosey but I am very fond of your… nose."
Narcissa's gentle laughter pleased him.
"I just want you to be happy", Narcissa said, taking a white, silk handkerchief to her eyes. "The only thing in the way of your happiness is fear. I have always believed you to be the bravest man I've ever known. Don't prove me wrong, okay?"
Severus nodded.
"Okay, love. Come on now", he said. "Your guests will be arriving shortly."
AN: Hello, I know you're all getting frustrated and thank you so much for being patient with me while I explore these characters' fears and neuroses. We're done, I promise. It all changes again from now on. Love you. Kisses.