Chapter Thirty Three – Remix

After her conversation with Nick at lunch Olivia was able to refocus and cover the rest of the case material before the end of the day. Despite all of that she didn't find anything that the rest of the squad had missed. The case was cold. It was a disappointment, but at least she'd gotten something else out of her time at the precinct. Thanks to Nick she might have a second chance with Ben. It would take a lot of work, and she wasn't sure how to go about it, but she would figure it out.

First thing first, she had Ben's most recent song to listen to. With Suvi sprawled out beside the couch and a warm blanket thrown over her legs she pulled the song up on her phone. The Goo Goo Dolls poured through the speakers, and she listened intently. Usually it took her at least as second round before the lyrics hit her. This time she didn't even get through the full song the first time. By the second verse she was struggling to hold back tears.

I can't control your soul

You need to let me know

You leaving or are you gonna stay

When the song ended she tucked her knees up and rested her head on top of them.

"I'm no angel, Ben. Far from it."

If that was what he thought of her there was no way she would ever be able to live up to his expectation. She really didn't think that's what Ben was expecting from her though. He knew she had a lot going on in her life, and she couldn't change any of it. Her injuries and the scars from her past were too deeply ingrained in her.

Olivia looked at her phone and hit play again, listening to the lyrics one more time. The second time through the second to last line of the chorus stuck with her.

The end of fear is where we begin.

It was very true. If she condensed everything down, that was what Ben really wanted. He needed her to let go of her fear and distrust. That shouldn't be that hard to do, but she'd never found relying on someone else to be very easy. There had never been someone in her personal life she could really rely on through absolutely everything, so it was simply safer not to rely on anyone. Everything about Ben said she could trust him, but it was hard to go against her nature. If she didn't want to lose him though she was going to need to do exactly that, go against her nature and trust him. Doing that was easier said than done though.

It was late and there was no point in thinking about it anymore that night. Even if she did figure out what to say to Ben, she couldn't talk to him until morning anyway. They were going to need a lot of time to work through their bump, if bump was a big enough word to describe it. If she tried to talk to him tonight, their discussion could very well go into the early hours of the morning. The exhaustion that would go along with that could easily make them both more irritable and prone to being rubbed the wrong way. It wasn't worth that risk even if she did know what to say, which she didn't. She was definitely going to need to sit down and go through all of the songs Ben had sent her since they'd met. Hopefully that would give her a better idea of how to apologize to him. That was another task for tomorrow. Chances were it would take most of the day to go through the songs and figure out what to say to him and how to convince him that she was worth the trouble to stick around for. The last part of that could be incredibly difficult. How did you convince someone of something you didn't believe yourself?

Olivia shook her head like she was knocking the thoughts out. Tomorrow. She would deal with figuring all of that out tomorrow.

Only by halfway through the next day she didn't feel any closer to figuring it all out. She'd listened to the songs and picked out what Ben was trying to say to her. It all made sense too. She'd shut down on him, pushed him away, refused to listen to his opinions, and hadn't treated him at all respectably lately. Still he'd stuck with her. If their places had been reversed she didn't think she would have given him as many chances as he'd given her. Unfortunately knowing what she'd done wrong and wanting to make it right didn't make it any easier for her to figure out how to tell Ben all of that.

"What am I supposed to do, Suvi?"

He lifted his head to look at her, snorted, and dropped his head back down again. This was her fault, not his. He wasn't going to get involved.

"Big help you are," she grumbled.

Suvi snorted at her again and flopped over onto his side. Olivia was on her own.

O . o . O . o . O

Two days. That had never seemed like a long time before. It definitely did now. Ben couldn't remember a time when he'd missed someone so much in a mere two days. He missed Olivia desperately, and he was starting to give up hope. She hadn't spoken to him in any way since he'd walked out of her apartment two days ago, not even to confirm she'd gotten his music text. Had it really only been 48 hours? Yes, it had. While he knew how Olivia could be, he'd expected some kind of response already. Since he hadn't heard from her all he could think was that Olivia didn't want to continue their relationship. The thought pulled at Ben's heart, but there was nothing he could do. Apparently he was going to have to listen to Cole say "I told you so" as he tried to begin the healing process all over again.

Ben grabbed his laptop and decided to return to work in hopes of distracting himself. He wasn't sure how well it would work, but at least it was something. Maybe he would get lucky. That definitely wasn't the case. Forty minutes later he'd found two apartments that looked like they could make one of his clients happy, but they were the only ones who would be happy with the development either now or later on. Ben was about as far from that emotion as he could be. Distraction could only do so much.

It might not have worked completely, but focusing on work had been enough of a distraction that the sudden knock on his door made him jump. He blinked dumbly at the door for a moment like it would eventually tell him who was on the other side. It didn't, so he got up to answer it. Like he'd done with the door, he simply stared at the person he'd revealed.

Ben was just staring at her and not saying anything. His reaction, or lack thereof, was like adding gasoline to the fire of Olivia's nerves. She looked down at her feet and tried to hold it together.

"Ben."

"Olivia."

Yup. He's Ben. She's Olivia, and I'm Suvi. Didn't we cover that a long time ago? Yes, yes we did. Now can we go inside and get some treats? Please? Treats now? I know he has some.

Suvi looked up at Ben and Olivia but neither one of them were moving. Apparently they weren't doing treats now. They were just going to talk. Treats sounded much better than talking to him, but whatever they wanted to do.

"May I come in?"

Ben stepped away from the door and motioned her inside. Olivia bowed her head in thanks as she stepped through the doorway. She only walked far enough into the room for Ben to close the door before she turned to look at him.

"I really need to apologize to you, but that doesn't feel like enough. I want to convince you that I mean it, that I want this to work. That's not easy to do, but I finally realized that Suvi was the key. He brought us together in the first place and he can hopefully keep us together." She was rambling and she kne it, so she paused and took a deep breath. It didn't help. "I know you've heard all of this before, but try to bear with me so I can make my point. So here goes. At first when the squad brought the idea of getting a service dog to me I fought against it because I was afraid. When I finally let Suvi into my life I realized it was the best decision I had ever made. This, with you, it's the same thing. The risk is worth it."

"Do you mean that, Liv? Truly mean that?"

"I do."

"Come here," he told her as he opened his arms.

Tears pooling in her eyes Olivia stepped into his embrace. As his arms wrapped around her she curled her head into the side of his neck. The knot that had been restricting her chest finally loosened. It felt so good to be back in his arms.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I have a lot of baggage, a lot of scars. More than the head injury, seizures, and sex crimes background."

"Shh," Ben soothed as he held a finger to her lips. "I know all of that. I saw it more and more as I got to know you, and it's okay. We all have baggage. If yours is a bit more than most I'll just have to lift heavier weights as practice."

"You're so awful," she half laughed, half cried.

A few tears slipped from her eyes and trickled down her cheeks so Ben reached out and gently brushed them away.

"You don't have to be Fort Knox, Olivia, but I'm not asking you to be glass either."

The floodgates broke, and Olivia started sobbing. She buried her face into his shoulder and held on tight. Ben just held her and rubbed her back.

"I know," she choked out.

"Don't cry, Olivia. It's okay."

"I'm such a mess."

"So are some famous paintings, and they're considered really special."

Again Olivia choked back a laugh and held him tighter. The ridiculous things he said were starting to sound more heartwarming than crazy. Still crazy, yes, but sweet. He'd deserved more than what she had given him so far. Somehow, some way she was going to make it up to him. Ben was one of the best things that had happened in her life, and she didn't want to lose that.

Ben grinned and rested his head against hers. She was worth every stabbing knife thrust that she aimed at him. Eventually he'd be able to catch her wrist and deflect the blows until she finally let her defenses down, dropped the damn knife, and let him in. Hopefully they would figure out a good balance between the two. Maybe the pain they'd just gone through would be the catalyst to her opening some doors and strengthening their relationship.

Olivia finally pulled away from him and rubbed away her tears. Ben stroked her hair to help soothe her, and she smiled softly in return.

"I'm glad you came," Ben told her.

"So am I."

"You know, we really are made for each other."

"Why's that?" she laughed.

"My name is already in yours."

"That should scare you."

It was Ben's turn to laugh then. That laugh was enough to finally ease the tightness that had been wiring his body for days. He let himself completely relax and enjoy the moment.

"I'm not scared at all."

Except maybe about losing her. That really scared him.

"Alright," he said happily. "Let's get your dog a treat and then we're going to celebrate."

"Celebrate?"

"We're going to make a dessert."

"We?"

"Yes, we. Now come on."

He grabbed her arm and tugged her into the kitchen despite her continued protests.

"Ben, really. I'm not that good of a cook."

"That's okay. We're doing it together."

"This is not going to end well."

"Sure it will."

He handed her a bag of dog treats and then began pulling ingredients out of the cabinets and fridge. Olivia barely had a chance to process what was happening. The moment Suvi saw the box he bounded over and sat down in front of Olivia. Finally the treats were coming out! It had taken long enough. Olivia handed him one and removed his vest and leash. Once she'd put the treats away Ben was immediately at her side. There was no escaping this cooking adventure.

"Come on. We have work to do."

He guided her toward the counter. All Olivia could do was stare down at all of the supplies in gape-mouthed shock. They hadn't even started and already she was feeling overwhelmed. This was such a bad idea.

"This really would work out better if I just watched," she tried one final time.

"It's not as much fun that way."

"But it would be better tasting that way."