AN: To the handful of people who have stuck with me this far, I give you what you've so patiently waited for, hahaha.
Oh and smut.
15. So Be It
H.
Malfoy Manor was not at all how she remembered it. Where it had once been dark and imposing, it was now impressive and beautiful. Still, she felt her heartbeat in her fingers and the blood pulse in her ears. As she stepped in through the green doors, that had previously been black, Hermione took in the grand staircase adorned with crystals. Suddenly she felt underdressed in her simple, floor-length navy-blue dress. She was considering transfiguring it into something a little more special, when she caught sight of Jessica at the top of the stairs, in a black t-shirt dress that she had dressed up with gold accessories and heels that Hermione would certainly fall to her death from.
"You look good. And not like your outfit cost more than my rent, which I appreciate", Jessica said, as she walked Hermione through the marble archway.
It was just as Narcissa had promised. Nothing about the manor was recognisable. They had completely altered the layout over the years. The first room to go was the living room; the room in which Hermione's life had been altered irrevocably.
Narcissa swept towards them in a silver ball gown and kissed Jessica on the cheek. She nodded to Hermione with a sweet smile and urged them into the room.
"Severus should be around here somewhere", she said, and Hermione got the feeling that this was the real reason for her invitation. "Would you mind if I spoke with you alone?"
It took a moment for Hermione to realise that Narcissa was speaking to her. Jessica raised her eyebrows as if to ask Hermione if she was okay with her leaving, and she felt herself nodding before thinking through the implications of a conversation alone with Narcissa.
"I am so glad that you came", Narcissa said, hooking her arm around Hermione's, once they were alone. "I know you were likely in two minds. I do not expect you to forgive me. What I have done is unforgivable. But I would like you to know that I am not the person I was. Severus can attest to that."
"Well, he's not really speaking with me at the moment", Hermione said. "I believe he is avoiding me again."
Narcissa smiled.
"Yes, he does that. Don't take it personally. He is protecting himself."
"From what?"
"From your rejection…" Narcissa said, as though this was perfectly obvious.
"I didn't reject him", Hermione argued. "He moved on? I saw him on a date with that woman."
"So what? He doesn't love her, Hermione. He's in love with you."
What?
"He's a mess, truth be told", Narcissa said. "Life has dealt him a tough hand. He's been through a lot."
He loves me?
"I know", Hermione said, fiddling with the beads on her bag.
"You don't know. Not really. He doesn't trust very easily."
"But he loves me?" she asked. "You're sure."
Narcissa smiled, and gave a delicate shrug of her shoulders.
"I believe so yes. He has been surprisingly open about his feelings for you, but he has not yet used that word. I don't know if he would even dare."
She snapped her head up to meet Narcissa's gaze.
"Why are you telling me this? Why hasn't he come to speak to me himself?"
"Isn't it obvious? He is afraid."
He loves me?
"I thought he was supposed to be brave", Hermione said.
"… Not with his heart."
She caught sight of him in an instant. He may as well have been the only person in the room. His was the only face she sought. He met her eyes for the first time in weeks and the moths in her stomach batted their wings. He cast a shadow across the room, yet she was drawn to the light in his face. The twitch of a smile on his lips as he looked her up and down. The dark stubble of his chin and cheeks framed its perfect picture. As he moved towards her, silent and steadfast, she felt the call of her heart, and wondered why nobody covered their ears to shut out its sound. Just as quickly as he had moved towards her, he stopped, as though he had tripped over his own footsteps and his face was doubt and sadness.
Right. I have nothing to lose.
:
S.
The only thing in the way of your happiness is fear.
Severus paused as he made his way towards her.
Normal. Simple.
Nothing in my life has ever been simple.
Hermione narrowed the gap between them as she walked towards him - her face all questions - but he had no answers.
"You look lovely", Severus said, and he even heard the tone of sorrow in his voice.
"Thank you", Hermione said with a grief to match his own. "So, can we just address the elephant in the room? You're seeing someone."
"Yes", he said, a little defensively. "I am."
Hermione nodded as she looked to the floor.
"Good. Good. What's her name?"
"Cressida", Snape said, involuntarily.
"Right. I saw you together at Tiff's the other day. You looked happy."
Tiffs? The restaurant? That was our first date... well second, I suppose. Right after...
"Is that... is that why you didn't tell me you had ended things with the idiot?"
Her mouth split into a rueful smile and the quake in his knees reminded him just how weak he was when she was around.
Weakness.
"Well, I did try to tell you before, but you kept cutting me off and talking over me", she said, and although her words felt accusatory, her face was gentle; brushed with the softness of a smile that didn't belong there but at least she wasn't angry with him. "Would it have made a difference, if I had told you?"
"Perhaps not. But it is all over?"
"We've been over for months, really. By the time we… me and you… were together… we hardly spoke to one another, but I think you know that already. He's moved out though, yes, if that's what mean."
"Well, I'm glad... for you."
'You could be happy. The only thing standing in your way is fear.'
"We were kidding ourselves, weren't we?" she said; her heartache was etched into her smile.
"What?"
"Narcissa said that you love me, but you don't… do you?"
Now or Never, Severus.
Never.
Her apologetic laughter broke the silence.
"Thank you. That's all I needed to know", she said. "It was foolish to believe otherwise, I'm sorry."
Wait? Do you return my feelings?
"Hermione, do you..."
She looked at him curiously, waiting for him to finish but the words would not materialise. He watched the tremble of her lower lip and he understood.
You do. You love me.
"I'm glad you're happy, Severus. I will try to be happy for you."
The laughter that followed did not fool him.
I'm not happy.
You could be. The only thing standing in your way is...
He opened his mouth to speak but as he met her eyes, he shook his head.
"Never mind."
Oh my God, Severus. Grow a pair.
"I'll see you at work, okay?" she said into her hair, as though she meant to hide her face. "I should go."
And she was gone.
Severus caught Narcissa's eye from across the room, and she shook her head; her disappointment as palpable as Hermione's and his own.
As the dinner party died down, Severus gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had stayed long enough that it would no longer be considered rude to say his goodbyes. He caught Lucius first, and shook his hand. Lucius patted Severus on the shoulder as a show of affection for him, but mostly to show off their friendship to the men he entertained. In the last few years, being friends with Severus had ceased to be a blemish on one's character, and was suddenly a desirable trait; something with which you could apparently impress people.
What nonsense.
Severus caught Narcissa in the drawing room. She was alone, which was unlike her. Usually, she was the life and soul of the party, but come to think of it, he had hardly seen her all evening. He approached her and took the seat beside her.
"What's going on?" he asked, trying to impress a subtle kindness in his voice.
"Nothing", she said, drying her tears with her dress. "It's silly."
Severus tilted his head.
"I wouldn't expect anything less. Now tell me what has you upset."
She smiled through her sadness and nodded her head.
"Draco is moving in with Jessica."
"It's about time he flew the nest. He's twenty-six. Don't you approve?"
"I love Jess", Narcissa said. "I'll just be lonely."
Severus shrugged.
"Loneliness isn't so bad."
Narcissa patted his thigh.
"Yes, it is. You know it is. Don't be lonely, Severus."
As she moved towards him, he felt a flicker of unease. The way that her eyes graced his face as though she was trying to settle on something that wasn't there. And before he knew exactly what she was doing, her lips were soft on the corner of his mouth. He caught the kiss by instinct and returned it for one divine and disorienting second before he realised that the mouth at his lips did not belong to her.
It's always her. Always, Hermione.
Severus broke the kiss and stared at Narcissa, baffled and fearful. He didn't know how to approach her. Not knowing how to navigate the next five minutes without tearing holes in the life he had built for himself.
"Erm... I'm sorry, Treasure", he said gently. "I can't."
"Why not?" she said, curling her hand around his. "Lucius won't mind."
"He will, but that's not the point."
"What is the point? Don't you miss it? Miss us?" she asked, running her hands across his thighs. "Tell me you don't want me. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't."
His answer came before he had hardly a conscious thought.
"I'm in love with Hermione", he blurted. "… You know that."
She dropped her hands then and her mouth split into a grin that sent wrinkles to the corners of her eyes. He narrowed his, as he took in her expression.
"You're right, love. I do know that", she said, tapping him twice on the thigh. "I just wanted to make sure you did."
And the penny dropped as Narcissa pulled herself upright and dusted off her dress. It was the first time he had said it aloud. The first time he had ever dared to admit it. But Narcissa had known, as she always did.
"You bitch."
Narcissa grinned brighter still and raised her eyebrows.
"So, Severus, now that we've established that you're in love with her...", she said. And at once her face was serious as she folded her arms, "... now what are you going to do about it?"
Fucking hell.
These women are going to kill me.
:
H.
Severus darkened the doorway like a shadow, taking all of the light from the room, and all the air from her lungs. He was beautiful, more so than even last night. It wasn't fair. His black eyes were ink pots from which she could draw the prettiest pictures. He hitched his sleeves up to his elbows and ran his hands through his hair.
"Severus?"
She saw the lightning flash on his face before she heard the thunder.
"Before you ask, no I don't know what I'm doing here. All I know is that I can't stop thinking about you."
Oh god. What are you trying to do to me?
"I broke things off with Cressida."
"What are you saying?"
He swept into the room and Hermione's feet rooted to the ground, pinned under the weight of his stare. He stepped so close that she could hear his breathing; quick and shallow. Hermione felt hers follow its timbre as he lifted his hand and for a moment she thought he might touch her. Her skin prickled from his potential alone. His face was tortured and torn.
"I can't take it", he breathed, and its air traced the skin of her neck turning it to gooseflesh.
Her heart began to thrash as though caught in the claws of a wild animal.
"I've tried so hard not to think about you", he said. "But you have burrowed so deep into my heart that every pounding beat is agony. I thought I wanted something simple. I don't. I want you."
Don't say it if you don't mean it.
She took his hand and placed it flat on her chest so that he could feel the pounding for herself. He met her gaze as she surveyed him and his eyebrows drew together as though he was in pain. She felt it too. The absolute agony of their desperation. His hand rose and fell as her chest below it heaved, pushing him out then pulling him back in.
"You're mad!" he said. "Do you know that? Absolutely barking. And yet you must have pulled me into your absurdity, Hermione, because damn it, if I am not completely in love with you."
Her lips parted and the voice that left her lips was all breath and epiphany.
"You love me?"
"Yes", he said as he ran his fingers across her collarbone. "What's the use in fighting it? I love you. So be it."
Her breathing hitched as his hands swept up to her neck and he wrapped his fingers possessively around its curve.
Yes, I'm yours.
"You love me?" she asked again.
And then everything happened at once.
He made towards her until she was pressed to the wall with his body flat against hers. His lips were on her mouth and his hands were on her waist; he pressed his fingers into her skin as though he clung to her body for his life. It gave her a sick sense of power to know that he held her like she physically sustained him. Then she felt his skin on her skin as he pulled her in to his chest and rested his cheek on hers. His face fell into her shoulder and as he gently tugged on her sleeve, he rested his lips on the base of her neck. His mouth was hot and as he grazed his teeth across the length of her shoulder she felt her nipples peak under her shirt.
All yours. Always yours.
He moved backwards a fraction so that she could not move, but he could slip a hand underneath her shirt and she felt a tingle like electricity as he swept it up to her chest. He thumbed the flesh of her breast until he found her nipple, and as her lips parted in a sigh, he groaned. As she closed her eyes, the world outside seemed to fade into obscurity until all there was, was this moment. All there was, was Severus.
:
S.
Don't close your eyes. Look at me. I want to see your face.
As he moved his hand across her chest, he felt her nipple spike beneath his palm and he knew he had her. He placed his free hand flat against the curve of her waist and ran down her flank until he felt the waistband of her jeans as he slipped his fingers between the denim and her skin, he felt his blood flush to his dick, and when she looked at him as though she knew, the little sense that remained, deserted him. Three words circled around his mind as though he was trying to make sense of them.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
She pushed him off her and for a moment he thought that she going to reject him again, until she took hold of her shirt and pulled it over her head. She threw it to the ground and he recognised the urgency of her movement. She too, was desperate and damned. In the many different ways he had imagined their reconnection playing out, he had always been the one to undress her. He had savoured it, slowly and carefully. But as she tugged off her jeans, never once breaking her gaze, as though daring him to do the same, he didn't care for the fantasy he had created. This was better. It was real. She moved towards him, reaching her hand for the buttons of his shirt and bit her lower lip, her teeth tracing its fullness. He had not played along quick enough. She was impatient.
As she pulled apart his shirt, the patter of his heart beneath stopped and started. It was as though the shock of her hands on his chest had surged, breaking the circuit and it needed to power itself back on. As her palms moved down to his stomach, she peppered kisses across his chest. When her hands met the buttons of his trousers, he pulled his stomach muscles taut. She took her time with each one as though she meant to torture him and as her lips curved into its pretty little arc, he knew she was playing with him.
This is a game to you?
He grabbed his wand from his pocket, wrapped his arms around her waist and with a flick of his wand he plunged them both into darkness. When he opened his eyes, they were bathed in the evening light that crept through the curtains of Hermione's bedroom.
:
H.
Severus sat on the edge of the bed and placed his hands flat on his thighs. All of the urgency flooded from Hermione's body.
So... Is that it? We're done? Was it good for you?
Hermione rolled her eyes but as she took in the severity of his features, she felt hers respond as a mirror.
What's happening?
Her face asked her question, but when he did not answer she sat beside him on the bed and placed her hand on his chin and tilted it towards her.
"If we're going to do this, we're going to do it properly", he said, and although he spoke as a command, there was the faintest tremor in his voice that leaked his vulnerability.
"What do you mean?"
His reply came as a kiss; light and long. She opened her mouth to return it and his tongue swept across hers. He placed his hand at her waist and ran his other through her hair, tucking it behind her ear. He kissed her cheek and traced the line of her jaw with his tongue. She closed her eyes, and felt the urgency creep back into her bones, as he spoke just above a whisper.
"I want to do it right this time."
:
S.
He looked at her face and took in her beauty as though he had never seen it before. It surprised him how much he just wanted to look at her, having been denied it the last time.
"I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning in an empty bed. You can't run out on me again. I couldn't take it."
"I didn't run out—", she said but her argument disappeared, as she said "oh", as though she'd understood something.
He placed his hand in her lap and she wrapped her fingers around it, lifted it to her mouth and she kissed it. His head rolled back on his shoulder as she moved her mouth across his palm. He surrendered to it, not wanting to break their momentum, but he knew that he needed to impress the importance of their union. The last time had damn near killed him. He wouldn't do it again.
"I love you", he said. "Do you understand what I am saying? This means something to me."
Hermione nodded and she moved off the bed and parted his legs with her knee so that she stood between them. She held his head in her hands, a palm on each cheek, and she kissed him.
"I know. I'm not going anywhere."
Say it back. Tell me you love me too. Not that it matters. I know that you do.
:
H.
Hermione led him to the bed and he kicked off his trousers before climbing in beside her. She placed her hand on his stomach again and then slid her hands down, following the trial of his hair until she was inside his boxers. She wrapped her fingers around his cock and breathed a happy sigh as he groaned at her touch and his head snapped to attention. He thrust into her hand and she allowed herself to laugh at his eagerness. She revelled in the magic of his fullness in her hand. She had spent so long waiting for this moment; it was all she could do not to straddle him right there. He moved in towards her and kissed her as she began to move her hand. He spoke vowels of satisfaction on her lips and as she picked up her pace, he growled. She lay back so that she could take him in her mouth, as she worked him.
"I want to look at you", he said.
It was this that forced her to consider the weight behind the words, 'I want to do it right this time'. What 'you can't run out on me' really meant.
I have hurt him. I knew he wanted me to stay, I could see it in his eyes, but he told me to leave. I did as I was told. I always do as I'm fucking told. I should have stayed. God, I wish I'd stayed. I'm yours, Severus. Always yours. Say it. Tell him!
"Then look at me", she said. "This is where I want to be. There is nobody else. There is only you."
There was only ever you…
"There was… only ever you."
He nodded and she lifted herself up on the bed so that she sat on top of him with her legs either side of his hips. She kissed him, hoping that should could convey without words how very unlike their last time this was. She couldn't bring herself to say it, but it danced on the tip of her tongue, desperate to find its audience.
I love you too.
She pulled Severus' wand from where he had left it at her bedside and with a quick flick of her wrist, she removed their clothes; the last barrier that stood between them and their temporary happy ending. She backed down the bed and sat to his side. She placed purposeful kisses on his stomach and his jutting hipbones. She traced her lips down his shaft and held the base in her hands. She pushed back the skin just a little and ran the tip of her tongue across his tip. He hissed and she felt his hands in her hair.
I thought you might like that.
She felt her grin, sore in her cheeks, as his body began to respond to her, and he grew fuller still in her hand. He wrapped his hands around her hair as she moved her mouth up and down on his cock. He did not push her, but he guided her, stroking her head to show what he liked and gently pulling her hair when he wanted her to pause, not wanting to reach his ending so soon.
He moved to return the favour and Hermione snapped her legs shut. He looked up at her with a confused smile on his face.
"No?" he asked. "You don't like it?"
"I don't know if I like it..." she said, feeling her cheeks flush with her foolishness.
Severus' lips parted as he looked at her.
"Weasley never...? "
Hermione shook her head.
"Well then, he really is an idiot."
Severus ran his hands across the back of her calves and kissed their front, moving his mouth up the length of her leg so that he nuzzled into the insides of her thighs. She felt her legs begin to tremble, with nerves and anticipation. He stroked her in soothing circles and looked up at her. Her interest piqued as he kisses fluttered across her thighs.
"You think I'll like it?"
"You'll love it. Do you trust me?"
She parted her legs by way of response and he moved his kisses up to her folds.
"You're trembling", he said. "Are you scared?"
She shrugged, and he stroked her thighs with his fingers as he smiled at her.
"It's just me", he said.
"I'm not afraid. I'm just nervous."
He took her hand in his and held it on her stomach as he found her hollow and gently placed a finger at her entry.
"Is this okay?" he said.
Hermione panted her reply and he slowly pushed the finger inside, as he flashed his tongue across her bud. He moved in circles, and then lines - diagonal, horizontal, vertical - as though she were a word search he desperately wanted to fill in.
Oh God!
First, she felt the feeling in her core, and then it blistered into all of her nerve endings until she felt as though his tongue teased her whole body. It was new and confusing and breath-taking all at once. Her back lifted from the bed of its own accord, as he concentrated his kiss at her core; each movement sent another ache of pleasure through her body.
"Severus? Oh God. What are you doing to me?"
The ache built and built as he moved his mouth across her clit, and drove his fingers inside her, until it was a pulsing, cascading burst of energy. She felt herself succumb to whatever it was he was doing to her that felt so... fucking... good. Her whole body curved in response as her mind went blank, her muscles braced, and she threw her head back into the pillow.
As she lay flat on the bed, stock-still except for her legs that shook more so than even before - not with nerves, with something else she couldn't understand - she was flooded with multiple, conflicting emotions. She couldn't explain why - could hardly string together enough thoughts to rationalise it - but she felt a lump in her throat and she cursed herself as she began to cry.
Severus moved up the bed to lie beside her. He did not say a word, and although he looked a little concerned, he did not question her, nor did he push her to continue. He simply let her feel her feelings, and held her until they passed. She felt her cheeks grow hot and after all of the inexplicable emotions cleared, she was left only with the logical; embarrassment.
"I don't understand why I'm crying. I'm not sad", she said.
He nodded.
"It's normal, I suppose. It can be overwhelming sometimes".
"What can be overwhelming? Hang on... was that...?"
He snorted his derision.
"Are you seriously telling me that Weasley never made you come?"
"I... err- Oh. No?"
Hermione's hands flew to her parted lips and Severus chuckled beside her.
"Oh god!"
"Sounds like we have a lot of catching up to do", he said and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in for another devastating kiss that told her that she wouldn't be sleeping any time soon.
Not that that was such a crying shame. Hermione could hardly understand why anyone would sleep - how anyone could - knowing there was such magic in the universe.