Chapter 7: Me Harriet, You Debbie
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After that incident in middle school, where I gloriously displayed by embarrassing performance on stage, that horror has followed me since. I didn't bother showing up to school the next day; a few days after that. I just locked myself in my room and I never left. My mom would worry (as expected), especially when it came to my lack of food intake. And occasionally, there would be shouting matches between us about me missing school for too long, despite Tia coming over every evening with notes for me to catch up on. Still, she never forced me out of bed and was instead patient in my moment of depression.
Because she understood. She may not be a musician herself (fashion is her line of business), but at least she understood. She understood about my undying passion for music, about the late nights I stayed up perfecting a verse, one after another, not stopping until I was satisfied or until she had to come up and remind me what time it is. She understood how much I look up to my father, how overly excited I get whenever he's home so he could grace me with his guitar lessons. She understood the feeling I get when after lessons, he'd tell me how proud he was, how well I was improving, and in no time I'll one day reach to his level.
She understood how much that talent show meant to me, because it was my chance to showcase everything I learned. Everything I worked hard for. Music was my life. I couldn't live without it. I didn't want to live without it.
However, once my name was announced, and I was ushered to the stage, that was when I discovered my anxiety. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I couldn't stop shaking. The light in the audience was dark and to me, the faces didn't look human. I couldn't even see my mother. All I saw were shadows with eyes locked onto me like I was an entree on display, ready to be devoured by whoever claims it first.
My mind blanked out. I couldn't recall anything as I stood dumbly in front of students, teachers, and parents. My mom. I knew I had to do something. I had to play. But it felt like everything I had prepared for suddenly vanished and my mind, could focus on nothing but the hundreds of stares, the unwanted pressure weighing me down. This felt nothing like when I played for my parents, for Tia, for Jun, and sometimes Scott, my uncles, and other family members.
I finally managed to move my fingers. They were still shaking, making me mess up more times than I could accept and at that point, I just wanted it to be over and done with. I didn't care anymore. When I was done, I walked out. I ignored the claps of pity support. I blocked everything out. Everything hurt and I felt like crying.
Not only did I embarrass myself, I felt like a mockery to my dad.
I couldn't sleep for a week. Whenever I tried, my dreams force me to relive that nightmare. Then I'd wake up and cry.
One day, my dad showed up. It was out of the blue and unplanned because he currently had a busy schedule set in Nevada.
Since the talent show, the last thing I wanted was to face my father. I couldn't take the guilt, the shame, the disappointment that would be etched on his face once he found out I screwed up. That I let him down. I wasn't prepared for it.
What I had not prepared for was to be enveloped in his embrace the moment he sees me. Then he tells me to get ready, we're going out. Confused, I did as told and he takes me to his car.
We arrive to Disneyland.
A whirlwind of emotions stirred within me, having not been there since getting to know Jun at the time when Adrian and Kunio were engaged. And so, my dad sacrificed work to spend time with me at Disneyland on a school day. I wasn't gonna argue.
"That was your first time on stage huh? Don't be bummed. First times are always hard. Scary even. Take it from me. Your father didn't become this awesome overnight. Me and my crew, we had our moments starting from where you are now. It may be even harder for you since you're not used to the attention. My advice, don't force yourself. Take your time; find your rhythm before you go on stage again. And I always say this, play for fun, not for the audience, not for the media. You don't owe them a god damn thing."
Those were the words he told me as the two of us sat before the setting sun, decked in our Mickey Mouse hats and eating ice cream, waiting for the fireworks to erupt. It didn't take long before the dark sky exploded with color. I watched while clutching a plushie of Stitch in my arms as I sit in my father's lap. His arms wrapped around me and Stitch protectively. The times I spend where it's just me and my dad, I always feel better.
The trauma didn't go away though, but it was something new. I find myself playing the guitar less and less, not as confident in my skills as I used to think. Tia got into a dancing program and begged me to join with her, too shy to go herself, and in high school, I selected dance as my extracurricular class with her too. It helped in a way. Dance helped me conquer my fear of the stage, mostly because I wasn't alone. I was with Tia and other dance crew members. The eyes of the audience won't be on me as much this way.
Still, whenever I attempt to play the guitar, the memory of the talent show would always creep back in my thoughts after being buried away so deep. So I silently vow to never play the guitar on stage again, in fear of the past repeating itself. I decided to live with the fact that I'll never be like my dad like this, to endure the pain that comes with it.
The dreams never came since that vow I made.
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Later in Japan, the day after deciding to join Jun's club, that dream returned.
I realized I made a terrible mistake. I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready!
The phrase rang in my head as I sat up in bed, breathing heavily.
I'm not ready...
I'm just not ready...
I don't want to go through that again!
Not again!
My breathing became sporadic, the talent show livid in my head like it just happened yesterday. I felt like a fish out of water, or a person about to drown. I curled up, griped at my hair as I force myself to keep calm. I force myself to think of other things. I had to remind myself that I'm not fully a member of Jun's club. Just an observer or something… Yeah.
A whine made me glance up from my fetal position. Miki sat across from me, whining and inching towards me, giving me gentle licks to my nose. I immediately felt guilt, reaching to hug her fluffy body.
"Sorry Miki. Did I wake you?" I murmured into her white coat, the anxious, trapped feeling in me ebbing away. Miki snuggled closer, loose fur flying all over me. I didn't mind. I was feeling better by the minute. "Sorry you had to see that. Let's keep this between us okay?"
Her soft bark made me smile.
I checked the time. It was super early, but I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. So instead, I prepare myself for school. After getting dressed, I pause to stare at an object resting against the wall in corner of my room.
Daisy, my newest electric guitar, a present that I got for Christmas last year, and Amour, my acoustic electric guitar that I had longer. Both of them were safely tucked inside their cases and were left in that spot since I moved in. I honestly can't remember the last time I held onto either of them.
I slowly pick up Amour and strap her over my shoulders. I sighed, then grabbed my school bag and exited my room. I tiptoed out the halls, and hearing Miki's paws pad against the wooden floor behind me, I turned to her and pressed my finger to my lips. Once she understood and thankfully seeing no one was up at this time, I continued my silent trek down to the first floor.
"You be good okay Miki-chan?" I say as I give a kiss to her muzzle before exiting the music shop, heading straight for Karasuno.
As expected, the campus was empty. It was early after all, the sun barely beginning to rise. The quite was welcome though. It gives me time to myself as I think things over, figuring out what I'm going to do in the Unlimited Sound Club.
"I'm not a member," I mutter. "So I'm not anything important. That way, I won't be expected to do much. I haven't played in so long. I don't think my skills are that good anyway. Not compared to Jun's."
Yesterday, Jun proved his skills are in a completely different, higher caliber. It was amazing to watch him. I humored myself with the notion of what it would be like to play with him. What kind of music would we make together? With him and the rest of the club?
I quickly squished the thought, not wanting to get carried away.
The thought was stupid.
"Very stupid," I hissed, power-walking to who knows where.
I stop, hearing the sound of sneakers nearby. To my left, there was a gym, lights on and door open. Huh. So I'm not alone after all. But who would be here this early? I know that clubs have morning practices, but that's an hour later.
So, bored and with nothing to do, I decide to check it out. I creep towards the open door and peer inside. I see a volleyball court and inside, I saw two familiar faces. I grin, suddenly not feeling so bored anymore. Plus, my thoughts were starting to bug me.
"Hinata! Kageyama!"
The two paused in their workout. Hinata slipped and fell on his face in the middle of his serve. I winced at the impact.
Maybe that was a bit too much.
Before I had time to even worry for his safety, the small boy leapt back up like a jack-in-the-box.
"Hari-chan!" his smile was beaming while a red blotch marked his forehead.
"Are you okay buddy?" I had to ask. "Didn't hit your head too hard?"
"He's fine. He hits his head too many times for it to affect him," Kageyama tells me. "Besides, there's nothing in there worth salvaging anyway."
"Oi! I don't hit my head too many times!" Hinata protested.
"You just rammed your bike to the pole this morning! Twice!"
Ouch.
Seriously, how is this kid walking?
"I-It was an accident!"
"Those weren't accidents! That's just you being a dumbass, Dumbass!"
"Like you're any better Kageyama!"
I feel like I should say something or else this will never stop. I clear my throat.
"So do you two always come here this early?"
That did the trick.
"Yeah, we always come here around this time to practice," Hinata answers. "Do you always come here early as well?"
"Nah, just today. Couldn't sleep." That not a lie unfortunately…
Hinata's mouth formed and 'o' in understanding.
"Is that a guitar?" the ravenhead asked, peering to get a better look at the cloth case around my shoulders.
"You are correct sir. I just thought I'd bring Amour today."
"Amu?" Hinata cocked his head to the side.
"No Amour. It's French." I shook my head. "Anyway, that's what I named her."
"People name inanimate objects?" Kageyama raised a brow.
I shrug. "I do."
"I see."
Then he stares down at the volleyball in his hands like it would give him the answers to the great mysteries of the universe if he squints hard enough. Or something. I have no idea what he's thinking.
"Then can this volleyball have a name?"
…
…
No. Really, I literally have nothing.
"Hey, that's a great idea!" And Hinata is with him on this. "But, we can't name just this volleyball. It wouldn't be fair to the other volleyballs we have!"
"That's true. And we have a lot. That means we need a lot of names. But how do we tell one from the other?"
"We can write it on them with a marker!"
"Uh hold up. Time out." I say quickly, feeling my brain would melt if I listen to this any longer. "That's not how it works."
That earned me confusing stares and I sigh again.
"It's like this," I continue. "Amour is a special guitar to me. She was a present from my father before I started middle school. She was a little big for me then so I could only hold onto smaller guitars until I was old enough. Still, this guitar was custom made and has my name engraved on her. I call her Amour for many reasons. Acoustic guitars are great for playing romantic songs so… yeah. There you have it."
I feel like I said too much, more that I'm comfortable with. The stares I am given now are different. Their eyes looked glassy and I had to stare at the wall. My jaw clenched.
"My point is you don't name every single inanimate object that exists! It'll only be a waste if you do something like that."
The two gave a nod, finally understanding. I was greatly relieved.
"Wait," Hinata perked up. "Does this mean you're joining Kenta-kun's club?"
I find myself staring at the wall again. "Sort of. Not really. I mean, I'm not as talented as Jun, but I am… decent I guess."
Lies.
"So what skills are you trying to perfect now?" I kept a straight face while trying to change the subject. Can you blame me?
Kageyama stares but luckily, Hinata took the bait.
"Serves, but I really wanna continue spiking!" The ginger boy pouts and glares at Kageyama. "I want to but Kageyama won't give me any tosses."
"I'm mad at you." He simply says.
"For what?!"
"Because you had to drag me to that event yesterday! Because of that, Daichi was so furious, he forced us into power exercises until we passed out!"
Hinata's brows furrowed. "It wasn't that bad. You took it pretty well from what I saw."
The taller boy was fuming, his face looking like a tea kettle that had been left on the fire for too long. You think he might explode at any second. Instead, he stomps away, poor volleyball clutched tightly in his fingers as he mutters curses and the occasional 'dumbass' here and there.
"Kageyama! Oi Kageyama!" Hinata calls after him. He pouts again when he finds he's being ignored. "I want tosses…"
I had to giggle at that. He's acting like a child denied of something he wants.
"Well lucky for you, I have nothing to do until class starts. So allow me the honor of tossing for you." I winked. "Just don't expect anything fancy."
The boy literally leaped for joy at my offer. "I'll accept any toss! Anything! Thank you, thank you Hari-chan!"
"I'm feeling generous today. And of course I'd do anything for you Hinata-chan~"
I inwardly laughed at his red face. Seriously, it's like he's never been hit on by a girl before.
Maybe he hasn't. That's no good. Looks like it's up to me to teach him the ways of flirtation! He's gonna need it.
Not that he'll know these are lessons.
I am so evil.
"Well what are you waiting for? Get in position so I'll toss!"
"R-Right!"
Hinata hurries off to one side of the court, Kageyama busy doing his own thing on the other side, and I grabbed a ball from the basket.
Just throw tosses. Simple enough. I know how that works. I'm not completely clueless at volleyball, just never took it seriously. Still, it'd be a little bland if I just simply throw tosses. In volleyball, you always prepare for the unexpected. Things don't go the way you want them to.
So…
"Alright Hinata, I'm gonna toss at the count to three. Got it?"
"Got it!" he yelled, knees bent and hunched over in position. Face lax and eyes focused.
"One…"
"Two."
I toss the ball before three and from where it momentarily stayed airborne, it'll be too far for any normal spiker to run and hit it in ti-
SMACK!
BOOM!
…
Huh?
I barely blinked and in no time, Hinata was landing on the ground, the ball rolling away at the other side of the net.
Just what the actual-
"One more!" He shouts and I jump.
"Uh…"
At the corner of my eye, I could see Kageyama smirk and it pretty much said, 'He's your problem now'.
Right, he's a setter. He deals with this constantly. Doesn't mean he has to act smug about it! So I didn't know what I got myself into. Big deal!
"Fine, I'll give you more tosses! Just don't think I'll go easy on you this time!"
And Hinata just looks like a little boy about to open his presents on Christmas day.
"Okay!"
This kid is something else.
Time ticks by as I continue to give Hinata tosses while he spikes with that quick agility I've never seen before. He's fast. Like super-fast. And true to his word, he can jump really high. It makes up for his stature by a margin. It's kind of endearing watching him. He's like a soaring bird.
"One more!"
Also, his stamina is unrelenting.
I laugh a little. "Geez, are you sure you don't want to take a breather? Aren't you a bit tired?"
Because just watching him makes me feel tired for him!
Hinata just shakes his head like a shaggy dog.
"Please Hari-chan? One more toss!"
"That's enough stupid!"
A ball flies and smacks Hinata at the side of his head.
Kageyama comes to my rescue. "Dumbass! Your serves still suck! And your receives! Work on those!"
Hinata juts his lower lip and gives him the puppy eyes, but Kageyama's face remains hard as steel. And ominous, in such a way that Hinata cowers a little and like a kicked puppy, gives in and does what he's told.
Poor boy.
"Aren't you treating your subjects a bit too harshly King?"
And just when I was starting to have a good day, Tukishima decides to ruin it with his presence. Yamaguchi's there, snickering beside him.
Something about what he said made Kageyama respond with a harsh "Shut up!" while looking more petrifying than when he was reprimanding Hinata.
"Wah! So scary Kageyama! You'll scare away girls with that face!" the blond teased.
"Well, I'm here and I find it rad."
Yeah he makes some good scary faces.
Wait.
Dammit!
"Thompson?" The two notice my presence in the gym.
Fuuuuuck!
"Hi Thompson-san," Yamaguchi waved cheerily. "What brings you here?"
I cross my arms, shrugging. Playing it cool. "Well, I was giving Hinata tosses earlier and now I was just about to leave."
Yup. So cool.
"What? Already?" For some reason, Hinata deflates at that. "But school won't start yet in another hour. You can stay and help me practice!"
Now he's giving me the puppy eyes! Be strong Harriet! Be strong!
"Maybe some other time." I ruffle his head. "You don't need an amateur like me to help you practice anyway. I will say you've surprised me today. You're doing good Hinata-chan. Keep it up!"
The way he stares at me makes me feel like a proud sister. If I could I would adopt this child.
"I will!"
Tsukishima makes a face. "Gross. You know there's a supply closet right there. No one wants to see that."
"T-Tsukki!" Yamaguchi berates.
Hinata's face flushes while I raise a brow, my mouth set in a thin line.
"You know, you really are a Debbie Downer," I say suddenly. "Is that what you are Debbie? A downer?"
The room is silent at my words, however I just reached an epiphany.
I hit my fist on my palm, grin rivaling the infamous Cheshire Cat.
"Everyone shut up, I just struck genius!"
I point at the tall blonde.
"You. From now on I shall call you Debbie. The Debbie Downer!"
The face he makes is priceless and I feel like cackling madly.
"D-Debbie…"
"Has a nice ring to it, don't you think so Debbie?"
The others, even Yamaguchi, were trembling. Lips tight, trying their damnest to stifle a laugh. I think Kageyama is enjoying himself the most.
Tsukishima's brow twitches, his form stiff.
"Please. Stop."
"Too late, the witch has spoken. Your name is now Debbie. See you in class Debbie!" I say, collecting Amour and my bag, right when the other three boys double over, crying in fits of laughter.
Isn't it nice when you spread joy to the hearts of others?
"Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week! Stay beautiful~" I salute with a wink before leaving the volleyball court, the cries of laughter music to my ears as I carry myself outside.
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Later, I find myself on the roof.
There was still time left before school starts.
I sat silently, Amour in my hands, her light weight resting on my lap. The blue paintjob shines brightly from the steadily rising sun. My fingers ghost over the strings nervously.
Finally, I play some notes. The familiar sounds soothe me a little. I mess around until I finally feel comfortable enough playing a song.
My fingers strum the strings for the intro, soft and melodic. Soon it was my cue to sing the begging verse.
"Well, maybe I'm a crook for stealing your heart away
Yeah, maybe I'm a crook for not caring for it
Yeah, maybe I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad person
Well, baby, I know.
And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
And those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room filled with people that are less important than you."
Feeling carried away by the music, my voice picks up.
" 'Cause you love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love you…"
I breathe, and then stare down at Amour. I smile without really knowing why.
Acoustic guitars really are great for romantic songs.
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The song at the end is Of Monsters and Men's "Love Love Love", one of my favorites.