Notes: I had to rewrite this chapter a few times. I still hate it. Anyway, sorry this is a little short, I'm working on the next chapter which will be in Liam's point of view. :3

Chapter 34: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Shay paced the length of his cabin, idly twirling Mary's locket in his fingers. He was avoiding Haytham and Liam. The last thing he wanted to do was for his stupidity to come between him and Haytham, yet he couldn't look in Liam's direction without wanting to do unmentionable things to him. Perhaps it was just the allure of forbidden fruit. Liam wouldn't want that anyway. He tucked Mary's locket in his desk drawer, next to the journal Haytham had given him. It was still blank, of course. Shay stared at it for a moment, knowing that if there was ever a time he needed to get his thoughts straight, it was now. Hesitantly, he dropped it onto the desk and opened it the first page. He scribbled the date, (June 15, 1764), and stared vacantly at the blank parchment for a solid ten minutes before he decided what to write: 'Could I choose one of them? No. But I can't have both of them.'

"That was less help than it should be." Shay mumbled and shoved the journal back into the drawer. His eyes darted to Haytham who was fast asleep on his bed. He contemplated curling up beside him, but he'd never manage it without waking him. Haytham was a very light sleeper. He wasn't tired, anyway. Wandering the deck meant the possibility of running into Liam, who he also wanted to avoid. Well, maybe not. Liam might be asleep whereas the odds of not waking Haytham up were most certainly not in his favor. Shay slunk out of the cabin as quietly as he could.

The crew were milling about, some of them playing cards and singing drunkenly on the lower deck. Martin was at the helm, and a few of them had fallen asleep at their posts. Shay let them be; it was a clear night and there weren't any other ships around.

"Can't sleep, Shay?" Shay bit back a slew of curses and gave Liam a thoroughly fake smile.

"Look who's callin' the kettle black." He replied and leaned against the main mast in way that he hoped looked nonchalant.

"Hardly. What's on your mind? I know that look you have about you." Liam said, fixing him with a stern stare.

"Nothin' you want to hear about it." Shay told him dismissively.

"Is it Mary?" Liam pressed, following him when he started to walk away.

"No." Shay snapped. "Drop it." They stood in silence for a bit, Shay watching the stars that were clearly visible in sky. Liam tapped his foot on the deck and Shay could practically feel him staring a hole into his back. Irritably, he turned his back on Liam and took a seat by the men playing cards.

"Deal me in, boys." Shay ordered and tossed a handful of schillings into the pot, which was a motley assortment of little trinkets and coins. Liam took a seat across from Shay and tossed a few coins in as well.

"If I win, you tell me. And don't you cheat, dingboy!" Liam said pointedly.

"Aye, and if I win you fuckin' drop it!" Shay argued and glared daggers at him. Martin gave them both a knowing smirk and dealt the cards. Shay looked at his hand, and felt his heart drop straight through to the ocean floor. He didn't have a single good card. Well, he had a pair of threes, but that wasn't likely to win him anything. He stole a glance at Liam who was rearranging his cards with a smug look on his face. It could be an act, Shay told himself, but he knew Liam never was good at cards.

"All right lads, what've you got?" Martin asked. One man had a pair of twos (only slightly more terrible than Shay's own hand), and another laid down a straight. Liam laughed and tossed his royal flush down on top of the pot. Shay groaned and showed his own cards, which of course was greeted with hearty laughter from the others.

"You cheated." Shay told Liam in disgust.

"Aye, what did you expect?" He replied, and shooed Shay away from the others. "So, what's eatin' at you, Shay?" He asked once they were out of earshot of the crewmen.

"You, honestly." Shay replied dejectedly.

"Pardon?"

"Haytham said you have a nice arse." Shay said evasively.

"Now you're just pullin' my leg." Liam said with a snort of laughter. "He has as much of a sense o' humor as a rock."

"Aye, that's true. But he's lightenin' up a bit." Shay insisted.

"Shay, you're avoidin' the question." Liam pressed.

"Look, Liam, I didn't want to talk about it, because you already said 'no' once. And Haytham would tan my hide anyways." Shay explained, not meeting his eyes. "I'm tryin' but I can't let go. I know I should, but..."

"Shay," Liam said with a weary sigh. "I'm not the man you remember. You're in love with a damned memory, not me."

Shay did meet his eyes then, giving him a glare that might even have made Haytham flinch a bit. "No, I'm not. You're still you, no matter what you say. Do you remember that time I cheated at cards at that Tavern in Greenwich? When I got kicked out o' the place and thrown in boardin' school? When you paid my bail, you told me that I shouldn't let my mistakes define who I am. I took that to heart. I tried to be a better man after that. I've done some things I'm not proud of, but I've always kept movin' forward and made sure to remember who I am, no matter what. I know you better than that."

"I want to hate you for what you did, but I fuckin' can't!" Liam burst out and smacked his fist into the ship's railing. "I should want to kill you, but I never could! ...Because you really are the same idiot you always were, and in spite of everythin' you still have a heart. I'm not sure I do."

"If you didn't, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't o' saved my dumb arse in anticosti. You wouldn't have taught Connor how to sing shanties, or told him all those stories about that trip we took to Havana." Shay argued.

"Ah, I remember that trip." He said tartly.

"Ha. I don't." Shay said, with a grin.

"No shite, idiot. You were too drunk to remember your own name from the time we docked, to the time we were halfway back to New York." Liam retorted, with a genuine smile.

"Aye, I'm still that idiot." Shay told him. "Just a bit less drunk."

"But still a complete harlot." Liam interjected. "Shay, you know this road leads nowhere. We can't be what we were."

"Aye, I know. You're the one who asked what I was thinkin' about, and you've had your answer." Shay said, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice.

The next day dawned cool and rainy. Shay was irritable and lashed out at nearly everyone who spoke to him, which did not include Liam who seemed to want less than nothing to do with him. How he was going to tolerate being stuck with him and his perfect arse for the better part of three months, was beyond him. ...Three months assuming their ship didn't run into storms or other complications on the trip across the pond. The frustration was driving Shay up a wall, and he was fit to burst. ...And they weren't even to Boston yet.

"Sir, you're headin' for a sandbar." Martin said gruffly from his post nearby. Shay snapped out of his internal struggle long enough to avoid plowing the Morrigan into a small, most likely uninhabitable island.

"Sorry." Shay mumbled, and focused on the sea before them. Martin only shook his head knowingly. The weather wasn't improving much, and he was soaked to the skin. Which, to say the least, did nothing to improve his surly attitude.

"Some distraction might help." Martin suggested bluntly. "I'm sure Kenway could assist with that."

"Liam! Take the damned wheel!" Shay yelled and stomped into his cabin. Liam glared daggers at him, but took his place nonetheless. He didn't want distraction. He wanted his mess of confused feelings to start making sense. He wanted Liam to stop pushing him away, and Haytham to quit silently judging him every time he looked in Liam's direction. Haytham, of course, was sitting at the desk writing in his journal. Shay ignored him and flopped down on the bed, with his back to him like some kind of petulant child.

"Shay?" Haytham asked curiously. When Shay didn't answer he sat on the edge of the bed and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. Shay sighed and let him snuggle up behind him, with his arms around his waist. It was almost funny, how normal it was now to cuddle with the Grandmaster. Once upon a time, Haytham honestly intimidated him, and Shay wondered if the man had an ice cube where his heart should be. Now... Well, now Shay wasn't sure he could breathe without the comfort of his presence.

"We'll be in Boston before dawn tomorrow." Shay said flatly. "This is goin' to be a long trip."

True to Shay's word, they reached Boston just before sunrise. The Angela was ready and waiting for them with a full crew and her captain. Shay spared no time to dally around Boston, going ashore only to leave his Morrigan in Thomas and William's care. He gave them a list of repairs that he needed taken care of, and made sure both men had the fear of God in them, as far as what the consequences would be if something was wrong with his phantom queen when he returned from England. Just before noon, the Angela left port. At least she was a much bigger ship, which made it easier to avoid Liam. Shay disliked not being in command of the crew, but he kept his comments to himself and spent most of the first few days locked in his cabin. Alone. Haytham had his own cabin, which was for the better. These men didn't really know about the Templar order, much less his and Haytham's role. They wouldn't take kindly to the idea that they were together. Shay really needed to remember that more often - that most people abhorred what they shared. It wasn't a pleasant thought, but it was true nonetheless.

After nightfall, Shay decided to wander around on the upper deck for a while. The crew were still singing their shanties, and passing around a bottle of rum. They seemed like good men, though a bit more subdued than his own crew. Shay settled on to top of a pile of cargo crates and sat cross-legged, looking out over the open sea. A few deep breaths of sea air, and he (mostly) felt right at home. He could see Liam near the bow, in a similar position with a book propped open on his lap. He was reading by the light of one of the ship's lanterns than hung nearby, and seemed mostly oblivious to his surroundings. Shay fought the urge to go talk to him. It wouldn't end well. He wondered what Haytham was up to – probably sleeping like a normal human being should be during the wee hours of the morning.

"Fuck it." Shay grumbled and made his way to where Liam was sitting. Liam glanced at him as he approached, but otherwise ignored him. Shay sat down beside him, and looked at the book he was reading. Shakespeare's Macbeth. Liam closed it with a snap.

"What do you want, Shay?" Liam asked, not even turning to look at him.

"Nothing, really." Shay replied. The real answer was a lot more confusing. Though, simply saying he didn't want to be alone might have sufficed. He'd have to figure out which cabin was Haytham's and sneak in. It couldn't be that hard. The Angela's crew appeared to be relatively observant, but they weren't trained nearly as well as Shay's boys. They wouldn't notice an enemy ship until there was a hole in the hull, let alone a master of stealth sneaking into his lovers cabin under cover of night.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you. That wasn't my intention, but you know as well as I do that you're better off right where you are – with Haytham." Liam said quietly. "Not for nothin', and don't expect me to repeat this, but he's a better man than most I've met. ...Even if he is a fuckin' Templar."

"For all your bitchin', you still care about me." Shay accused. "And, you're 'fuckin' Templar' now, too."

"I'll always care about you, idiot." Liam growled. "Go to bed, Shay. ...Haytham's cabin is the last one on the right." He added in a whisper.

"Good to know." Shay replied with a smirk.

"Yes, yes. Now go do unmentionable things to him and leave me be." Liam told him, rolling his eyes.

Shay did leave Liam alone, somehow fighting the urge to just lean in and kiss the pain in the arse. He wasn't going to Haytham, though. Maybe he needed to be alone for a bit. Either that, or he needed a good trollop. He wasn't sure which. Regardless, Shay found his way back to his own cabin and threw his clothes in a heap on the floor. He'd deal with them in the morning. He flopped down on the bed, not bothering to put on nightclothes. There was one good thing about sleeping alone, he realized, there wasn't anyone in the room to judge him for being a slob. He fell into an uneasy sleep, wondering what London would have in store for them, and why it seemed that he took two steps backward every time he thought it he was heading in the right direction.

Dingboy - a rogue

Pulling your leg – being led on

The pot calling the kettle black – This is still used a lot today (at least where I live), but just in case, saying this is calling someone out on being a hypocrite.

Boarding School – Jail

Trollop – rough sex