Thundercracker was miserable. Filled with rancor and an unfamiliar stinging sensation that vibrated under the casing of his spark chamber, making him feel vulnerable and inexplicably exposed.

Thundercracker should have known with the manner of giddy excitement that was displayed on his wingmate's face when he contacted him that whatever Starscream was about to tell him was something he most certainly didn't want to hear.

His instinct was right. Not giving Starscream the pleasure of a reaction, he terminated the vid-link, his fist pounding against and breaking his worktable in half.

It wasn't as if he hadn't felt anger before, or ill-will, or even something akin to this new suffocating emotion that stifled and burned and made his optics sizzle.

Months passed by after the news. Months that were spent in idle numbness that trailed him in everything he did. When the murders stopped, when The Line stopped their killings and seemingly disappeared, Thundercracker was actually disappointed. And even as he continued to find and locate the necessary components for his meticulously kept and hidden plan, a plan he nearly altered, that too felt hollow and empty.

Nothing seemed to hold value anymore, or interest. He wasn't meant to be like this. Thundercracker knew that. And yet he continued to drift further away, continued to fall inside himself only to find self-loathing and questions he wouldn't possibly answer.

He found meaning again soon enough. Directed his insufferable and blinding rage toward a goal that made too much sense that he had been unable to ignore it. He contacted Thinkgor, a mercenary he had used in the past, even paid and directed him toward the neighboring sector of Renth to wait for further orders.

In the end, TC couldn't go through with it. He wanted the Vildan dead, so badly that he could feel the rush of Energon as he did when he terminated a ruthless foe. It was euphoric, it was everything he needed, enough to block away the idea that Alexis had chosen someone. But not just that, someone who she had vowed her entire life to.

Her life mate would never know how closely he came to being taken out. Or how little Thundercracker would have regretted it.

But he wouldn't be the cause of further damage to her life. Let him burn, let him break, let him suffer. It was for the best. Alexis deserved to be free of him.

He couldn't think anymore. The Seeker tried to assuage the blinding empty feeling with memories that he had spent with her that he could recall and live through as if happening that very moment. But they never altered; they were always the same. And no longer enough.

So he tried clearing them from his mainframe. But no matter how much he was willing, Thundercracker couldn't erase them.

"You can't continue like this," Rivet approached him, his steps light and his optics dim as he examined the Seeker. When he crossed his arms, TC couldn't help but pick up the swish of the tires on the medic's arms and shoulders. "You refuse to talk to anyone, haven't left your ship in over two months, and are frightening your own crew with your strange behavior and misdirected malevolence." He shifted his pediforms closer, stopping when Thundercracker tilted his head and stared sternly. "Slag, the only one that likes you right now is Terra, and I don't think that animal would leave you even if you took a shot at her, which, let me tell you, everyone is still talking about."

One would have thought that with such dull coloring that subtlety would have been an art of the medic. But he was far from its master. They both knew what he was talking about. Just a week earlier, Thundercracker had taken a shot at Farshot, the Seeker's communications officer. But that admirable relentless habit the youngling had of doing his job, the ability to focus and pursue his goal and all costs did not serve him well as he kept trying to inform TC of his duties and missed communications.

"He survived," Thundercracker's servos tightened, his digits digging into his palms. The medic ignored the rigid tone of his voice, and the realization that TC had cleared the ship's bridge for a purpose.

"Just a parnec to the left and he would have..."

TC interrupted, his patience, as little as he had, especially of late, quickly expelling and working toward that emotional numbness that seemed intent of keeping him company.

"He survived," he articulated the words. It wasn't as if he hadn't lived most of his life detached with his emotions easily contained and modulated. But now his reticence was dangerous, volatile, a mask hiding what he was unwilling to reveal. So anyone who approached him in such a state, what happened to them was beyond his control. A control he couldn't master as easily as he once had.

"Are you trying to tell me that you didn't kill him on purpose?" Rivet spoke, his words far from relieved, even working toward exaggerated unease.

Thundercracker turned, grabbing the small module that just finished the data transfer. Sweeping around, he pushed past the medic, purposely nudging him hard against his shoulder panel.

"Nobody is asking you to stay, doctor," Thundercracker said as he passed.

"I have no where else to go," Rivet answered quietly, his words filled with undefinable sorrow, enough of an emotion that TC halted in his tracks. "You can talk to me, you know. Whatever Starscream told you, whatever happened..."

"Is unchangeable. Unstoppable," TC said, his words hard, his stance stiff. "And don't presume to know me well enough to offer your... assistance again. It is pointless."

The Seeker left the bridge, the doors sliding softly behind him.

"Do you have a shifter?"

The femme looked up at him after hastily abandoning a patron she had been serving, bowing her head gently before lifting her optics back up to his own.

"We do, my lord."

The pleasure center he was in was opulent and exclusive. He had been there many times over the mega-cycles with his wingmates, instances he couldn't recall as clearly as he should have, which meant he had probably been inebriated and much younger.

"Take me there," he ordered.

The female only stood there, looking nervous, her overly bright optics shifting down.

She cringed, her thin mouthpiece twisting into a tight frown before dissolving back into careful indifference. "We don't allow... animals on these premises, my lord." The femme finally managed while looking down at the dog that sat obediently by Thundercracker's ped.

Not appreciating the tone of the female's voice, Terra got up on all fours, her intelligent gaze inspecting the femme before her attention went back to Thundercracker. He motioned for her to sit back down. Tail suddenly wagging again, she did. The nearly one-year-old puppy had been trained well, and by the time her training was complete, the animal would be uncommonly skilled. And with the upgrades he had in mind, dangerous. Especially for those that made the mistake of underestimating her size and origin.

"You do now," TC informed the female, his tone imperious, absolute. He bore down his full gaze on the femme, not enjoying the way she twitched. "Unless you would like to make an issue of it, then I will be forced to go somewhere else."

The female lifted an optic ridge, then deftly stilled her expression into a forced smile of acceptance. She couldn't refuse. If the rumor got out that an Elite Seeker had left the establishment unsatisfied, business would fall.

Her acquiescence was as good as foretold. The Seeker was almost disappointed, no matter how impatient he felt.

She smiled, gestured to some passing staff and spoke softly, "That won't be necessary, Lord Thundercracker." The femme swept her hands forward. "Follow me."

The female led him to a small room. He gave her directions that she followed quickly. Removing the power source of the shifter, he added his own before replacing the data chip with the one he had specially created.

"I don't want any interruptions. Anyone tries to record this session or even take a peek, and I will know, as will they when my firewalls... deal with them."

The femme bowed her head, allowed herself an appreciative but disappointed glance at his sleek form and exited the room. Terra moved to a provided plush mat in the corner, sat down and watched TC with interest, her ears high, her brown eyes intent with watching every one of his movements.

He did a quick scan of the shifter. He could have bought one of the devices or had one especially built for him, but he wasn't in the mood to barter or wait.

The shifter was made by organics, a device Thundercracker would have never considered using, but now he was determined. Connecting the device to a port behind his neck, the shifter activated.

Thundercracker was on the bed with her, Alexis' back facing his own. He knew when this was, knew what had happened, what was and what could take place. She had been asleep for a while now. She would sleep even longer if he allowed. But this time, TC wouldn't.

He shifted closer and looked down at her. His hand made contact with her forehead, moving slowly down her arm and clasping her hand. Her eyelids fluttered and then opened.

"Tim?"

The decision made, his words came out, firmly, but too quickly.

"I need to tell you something, Alexis."

She sat up on the bed with him, the motion forcing her hand out of his own. Perhaps that was best though, even here, in this mock reality of his memories that was influenced by his obvious lack of imagination, Alexis' touch burned, causing his fanatical fascination with the girl to make his breath hitch, his eyes cloud.

"Okay," she whispered.

He told her, sparing nothing.

"Thundercracker? You're Thundercracker?" Alexis shifted away from him on the bed, grimacing when she put too much pressure on her damaged feet when she tried to stand too quickly. She shook her head and laughed awkwardly. "You really do have such a strange sense of humor, Timothy."

She didn't believe him. But by the time he repeated some of their past conversations, some of the things that had happened between the two when he was himself, his first touch of her, the first time he called her by name... Alexis believed him soon enough. Thundercracker watched her expression change from trust and unwavering acceptance to horror and obvious shock. He didn't want that. He never wanted to see that look on her face ever again. And yet here he was, hurting her again, knowing it was necessary.

"Why?" Alexis asked, her eyes wide, her cheeks wet. "Why become Timothy?"

"Because you wouldn't have accepted me any other way."

"That's not true, Tim... Thundercracker," Alexis corrected, her voice turning soft and unsure on the utterance of his name, not an altogether unpleasant inflection. The muscles in his chest pulled tight; his breath felt like it was trapped in his lungs. This was the first time she had called him by his real name in human form. He understood the significance.

Like when he dreamed, Thundercracker had an awareness of what was legitimate. Remembering with the shifter though was more difficult. And the longer he let the device move through and alter his memories, the harder it was to differentiate reality from the fabricated. But he knew right now that this was not why he attached the machine to his body. He came here for a different purpose entirely. A purification, a visceral release... not calm rational circumstances that played out as if a continuation of what had never been. He came here to take him beyond... beyond...

A week had passed since Thundercracker told Alexis who he was. And all his processor could come up with was to take her back to the Autobots to ensure her safety. If he was more mindful of what was real and what wasn't, he would have made better use of the bed he was sitting on, would have taken what he believed he wanted and terminated the program.

"I would have accepted you," Alexis finished, causing Thundercracker to twitch and his nerves to bundle in surprise. Her back was to him as she looked out the small motel's window. The Autobots would be arriving soon. She hadn't spoken much since he had told her who he really was. Even here, the female thought things through. "Especially..." she turned, frowning hard. "You've helped me, kept me safe, led me to my brother and..."

She moved closer to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. His back stiffened, his lungs expanding with an uncontrollable gulp of air. Maneuvering her body, Alexis settled on his lap, her cheeks coloring. His back stretched further, the weight of her tantalizing body causing the blood to rush down and his fingers to clench.

She shifted again and placed her hands behind his neck, making him look at her as she leaned in toward his right ear. "I can't forgive you right now for how you went about it, but I will. And you should know..." she paused, tightened her hips against his outer thighs and moved in a way that made both their eyes widen. "I think I am even more..." She gulped when his hand found the small of her back, lingering before grasping tightly to the folds of her shirt. "Attracted to you now that I know who you really are."

That unexpected confession made his gut clench, his body tauten further. He felt unbalanced and disturbed, gloriously unstable and turbulently libidinous.

He didn't know what happened. Didn't know what she was doing. Everything became movement and hard breaths. The feel of her hands and the press of her body. The feel of his own as TC found he could reciprocate and shadow her own actions until they were both pushing and pulling and pressing. The tangible bliss turned and twisted and grew, shattering between them both.

Holding on to Alexis tight afterward, he fought to catch his breath, fought to stop trembling, realizing that she was shaking as well.

"I can't let you go," Thundercracker stopped Alexis. He wrapped his arms firmly around her middle and pulled her against him.

The Autobots were waiting outside the motel room, ready to pick up Alexis, ready to leave the planet. Suddenly, though, parting from her was a thought he would no longer tolerate. He didn't know where the ludicrous idea came from in the first place. Thundercracker would never let her go. Never. Not again.

She leaned against him, her small hands brushing softly against the cage of his arms. He shivered. But when she turned to face him and slowly backed away from his hold, TC knew things weren't as easy as that.

Alexis couldn't look at him. Finally, breathing deeply, she leaned in toward him, hugging him with a desperation that made his heart pound harshly against his ribcage.

She pulled back. "We'll see each other soon, Thundercracker." Alexis smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "You promised, remember?"

It was all a lie. They both knew it. Circumstances wouldn't allow it. And still he shook his head in numb agreement. He wanted to respect her choice, but still he...

"I..."

Alexis silenced him, lifted off her feet and placed her mouth gently on the corner of his. And when the door shut behind him, leaving him alone in the motel room, he stood there uneasy and restless.

He heard the cars drive off. And that was when he became even more resolute. He would go after her. Slag the consequences. To the pit with complications. And frag the Autobots. He was just about to deactivate his holo-form when the door opened. The female of his thoughts lingered in the doorway, the fading lights from the arriving dusk basking her in an ethereal glow.

"I couldn't..."

This time it was she who never finished what she was saying, for TC had already dragged her back into the motel room, his body smothering hers with his own.

The program ended so abruptly and with such finality that the disconnection could have been a form of torture. His internal chronometers told him that only three hours had passed. A ridiculous concept that riled the Seeker.

What the slag was he thinking? TC felt no better than he had. He felt worse. But when the frag did he become someone so dependent on how they felt, or how they didn't feel?

Sick of himself, sick of his sentiment and sick of his outlets for coping, he left the room, smoke filtering out into the hall from a far from unusable shifter.

Terra barked at the burning machine, then the dog eagerly followed the Seeker.