AN: Hi, so. Three things.

1. I had to tweak canon here just a teeny tiny bit for the story to make sense.

2. I'm sorry this chapter is so long. I figured it was better to get out what I have, rather than spend the next two weeks criticising every word to the point of insanity in the name of 'editing'.

3. I'm also sorry I disappeared again. I have no excuse except that I've been trying to focus on writing original fiction which I have also NOT DONE because I've been a little bit bummed out of late, which is British-Stiff-Upper-Lip for MAN ALIVE, HAVE I BEEN DEPRESSED. I'm trying. Bear with me.

Anyway, how have you been?

20. Snivellus

S.

Now.

"I'm irrational," Severus said, curling his fingers between Hermione's, whose hand had fallen into his lap – her comfort came as it always did, in perfect timing. "I'm sorry. I'm ridiculous. I'm neurotic! I'm a damn fool…"

"Severus… What is it?"

"I've been hurt so many times," he said. "I panicked… Nobody has ever loved me as you do. I've been so afraid that I'll lose it… or lose you."

"You won't, I—"

"Hermione, please let me tell you this? You need to hear it."

"Okay," she said, and she squeezed his hand. "You were saying that you're afraid you'll…"

"I'll lose you," he said, "yes. But worse still… I've been afraid that I will lose myself. When I turned my back on the man who followed us…"

He couldn't quite bring himself to say, 'almost killed us.'

"… It reminded me of something that happened years ago", he continued. "Something awful. It might be my worst memory, in fact. It's the day my entire world fell apart."

Then.

January 1976.

The Winter Break at Hogwarts was Severus' favourite time of the year, without exception. First and foremost, he loved the weather, as he could wrap himself in cloth from head to toe; layers upon layers of black fabric, under which he could hide. He loved snow because its white blanket took the colour from the world and made it uniform and beautiful. He did not have to see his wretched father on Christmas Day; he didn't have to listen to him argue with his mother or watch the Great bloody Escape and listen to how he, Severus, didn't have a clue about hardship or suffering, not like his father did. He didn't have to count the empty bottles, and take himself up to his bedroom and lock the door behind him when he counted three, four, five...

He didn't have to share the dorms with the other Slytherin boys, and he had the common room to himself for the most part. A few seventh years had remained behind to study for their NEWTs; their noses pressed to their books. It was like the bloody Ravenclaw common room.

Never underestimate ambition.

The best thing about the winter break, however, was that there were no bloody Marauders. Nobody had jinxed him in the corridors all holiday. Nobody had mocked his nose or his hair, his fucking greasy hair that didn't look clean even when he'd just stepped out of the shower. Nobody had called him 'Snivellus'. He had only heard his name as it was supposed to be said. Of course, no students meant no Lily too, but he could just about cope without her if it meant he didn't have to look at Potter's face. Or Black's.

Black is as bad, he thought. Worse, perhaps. He's always fucking goading Potter, who, of course, must prove he's the alpha dog, which is funny, given that Black is the one who cocks his legs to piss up trees. Potter's just a prancing, bloody deer. Could be worse. Could be a rat.

Or a Werewolf.

No, Potter was the worst, he decided.

Pettigrew was a coward, through and through. How he ended up in Gryffindor was anybody's guess. It was hardly for his loyalty.

If only those little Marauders knew what I know.

Lupin was dangerous, but he at least did not choose to be so.

He was spineless too.

He just sits with his nose in a book and ignores what his friends do to people in the name of their entertainment.

Black was handsome, but Severus didn't care for handsome. He'd never be superior there. Neither was he funny nor charismatic like Black. But Severus was a brilliant wizard and Black was average.

He's a lackey… a henchman… a bit of muscle for Potter to hide behind.

And so it was that Potter was the issue; he was the threat. Because he was athletic, and admittedly not quite as fuck-ugly as Severus, but worse… he had what Severus had too. A clever mind, quick wit and a sharp tongue. Fortunately for Severus, Potter had yet to best him.

Potter might be clever and quick and sharp, but I'm cleverer and quicker and sharper.

Even if Potter took a hit to the head in Quidditch and awoke the cleverest, the quickest and the sharpest, Severus would not be afraid.

Because I have what Potter wants.

Lily was brilliant too, and for whatever reason, she had chosen him – Severus. Potter made himself perfectly clear, asking her out at least once a month for the last year, and yet she had chosen him, and she continued to choose him every day. Sometimes Severus would watch her and he couldn't believe his luck. She was beautiful. Not necessarily pretty like other girls. Marisol in the year above was nice to look at. And there was Kittie Parrish – one of the Hufflepuff beaters – God, he'd considered signing up for the Slytherin team just for the privilege of having her kick his arse.

No, Lily was beautiful from the inside out. She was easy on the eyes of course, but it was her humour and her warmth that made her lovely. She was too bloody good for him, that was for sure. And yet, she looked at him as though he put the stars in the sky. Sometimes, though, he thought that she didn't like the constellations.

Severus sat in the armchair that faced the fire. It was far more comfortable to read here than it was on his bed, which was where he usually sat. Another joy of the Winter Break One of the more irritable of the seventh year Slytherins – a lanky boy with dirty blonde curtains that framed his gaunt face - stepped into the common room and Severus caught his eye, as he glared at him.

"You Sev'rus?" he asked.

"That depends who's asking?"

"I'm asking, dickhead," he said, "and I'll take that for a 'yes'. There's a girl outside for you."

"Oh? Who?"

"How should I know?" the guy huffed. "Some redhead in a Gryffindor scarf."

Severus grinned and snapped his book shut.

"Wouldn't get excited. A girl like that's well out of your league."

"Actually," Severus said, his voice, thick with his pleasure, "she's my girlfriend."

"Bullshit!" the older boy laughed.

Severus puffed out his chest as he said, "I'm serious."

"Shit, well… you'd make the most of it. She won't stick around forever. Girls like that never do. Trust me."

He narrowed his eyes.

"She loves me…"

"Sure," he said, with a note in his voice so smug, that it sent irritation that seemed to come as physical prickles coursing through Severus' bloodstream, "for now."

"Piss off," he said. "For always!"

Okay, not my finest comeback, he thought, but it was accurate. He and Lily were that forever kind of love. If he couldn't make it work with her, he'd never make it work with anyone. They were perfect together – a balance of light and dark, fire and ice, softness and severity – they were meant to be, without a doubt. He knew it. Perhaps it would take a couple hours or twenty years... but one day, she would know it too. He wasn't so lovestruck that he was stupid. Of course, some people settle down with their high school sweethearts.

Gross.

But most couples eventually break up. He knew that even if he and Lily couldn't make it work indefinitely, they would make it work eventually.

It's destiny.

Severus bounded across the room with more energy than he'd had all winter. He paused at the common room door, flattening the curve of his grin into a straight line before opening it. Lily leant against the wall of the corridor, with one foot flat against it. Her bag was slung over one shoulder and her hair was flipped and messy so that it appeared like she paid little attention to it, but Severus knew better. She cared about her appearance, and how she came across to others – and it worked. She was well-liked and popular with people across the school. Everyone seemed to like her. The only holdouts were the other Slytherins, naturally. Which he didn't mind too much because it meant that when the common room doors closed behind him, and he stepped down into the dorms, he could act as though she was all his. She was a secret that nobody else was privy to.

As she heard his footfall in the corridor, she turned to face him and dropped her bag to the floor. Her face crumpled with her sadness and Severus opened his arms and breathed a heavy sigh as she hid her face in his shoulder and her body heaved with sobs. He didn't revel in her sadness, but he did enjoy that he was the person who could help make her sadness go away.

"What has she done now?" Severus asked eventually – as educated as a guess could be - as she pulled away and dried her tears with the back of her hand.

"She's just a nightmare, Sev! Mum and Dad made her promise to be nice to me and so she was lovely on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day but she just couldn't make it into the New Year without telling me how she feels about me. It's been years and she's still not over it. Whenever I start to prepare to go back to school—"

"She's jealous, Lil. You know that. Anyway, you're here now… You're back for good?"

"Yeah," she said, and Severus noticed a look of brief disappointment.

Damn. Shouldn't have changed the subject. She wanted to talk about it further. Perhaps you can bring the conversation back around…

"Mum and Dad agreed to let me come back early. I said I had to study for my OWLs. I should probably make good on my promise."

Lily dropped her hand to Severus' side, and he took it into his hand by instinct.

"Come on," she said.

"You want to study?" he asked. "Now?"

She raised her eyebrows suggestively.

"Well… I don't just want to study."

February 1976.

"Sev, we need to talk," Lily said.

Severus felt his stomach clench as she pulled him up the staircase and he followed behind her like an obedient dog with his tail between his legs. He didn't mind though. He would go wherever she wanted him to go. He always would. It was why their relationship worked so well. She benefitted by micromanaging and overseeing their entire relationship - what they did, who they hung out with; when they were on, when they were off. And he, Severus Snape, had the privilege of being in a relationship with Lily Evans, Gryffindor sweetheart.

It had taken a long time for her to realise that their relationship was more than platonic - she had denied it for so long, but he was patient, and he had waited... and finally she came around. He could have waited longer. He'd wait forever if he had to and he'd follow her to the end of the earth if only she would ask him to.

What she asked instead was much harder.

"Listen," she said, "I've been thinking…"

Of course you have.

"Your friends… the other Slytherins you hang out with. They're dangerous. I don't like them."

Of course you don't.

"You don't know them, Lily. They're not all bad."

"Pfft! Sure," she said.

"Anyway…" he interrupted before she could mount her high horse – "I don't exactly have many other friends. It's not like I can sit with you at lunch…"

She either did not hear him, or she chose to ignore him. He knew which one was more likely and it was the crueller of the two.

"I know that you're all planning on becoming Death Eaters…"

He sighed and Lily patted the bench next to her and he took his seat.

Great. This shit again.

Severus was pleased to find that the bench, although outside in the snow, was warm as though recently vacated and so he would at least not get piles as he was getting dumped.

Not the first time she's dumped me. Won't be the last.

"I don't trust them and I really wish you weren't friends with them," she said.

She glared at him. Her green eyes narrowed and he felt a tug in his chest. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he prepared for what she was about to say.

"But I trust you," she said, "and I trust your judgement…"

"Just not when it comes to Potter," Severus sniped.

"Do you really want to have this fight again?" Lily asked.

"Of course I don't want to fight, but just as you've told me what you think of my friends, I'm telling you what I think of yours. I've told you a hundred times… you can't trust him. I wouldn't put it past him to slip you a love potion or something."

Not true. Potter wouldn't be so underhanded. He'd want to win fair and square so he could rub it in my face.

If I lose her to fucking Potter, I swear to God—

"I'll keep an eye out," Lily said, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms. "I think I can handle James Potter. It's funny that you think that he is dangerous, but you're more than happy to be friends with… er… them —"

She doesn't even know their names. I know every single one of her—

No, Severus. This is the best thing that's ever happened to you. Don't mess up.

"Maybe I'm more protective of you than I am of myself," he said. "And, let's face it, I'm fiercely protective of our relationship. I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either. So please, Sev, I'm begging you! Pull your socks up and start acting like the good person that I know you are at your core…"

"And how do you suggest I go about doing that without alienating myself from the only two friends I have?"

She wrapped her arms around herself as she shrugged and pulled a face; almost a wince.

"Maybe start by being nice to Potter and his friends…"

Ha!

"Absolutely not," Severus said, "That's where I draw the line. I'm not going to let the bloody Marauders treat me like dogshit and get away with it!"

"Maybe if you didn't retaliate—"

Severus felt the familiarity of a red-hot flash of anger and he balled his hands into fists.

Stay calm.

He took a deep breath. She tested him at times. It wasn't easy loving a girl like her, but it was worth it. He had to keep his temper.

Don't prove her right.

He spoke through gritted teeth.

"I have to protect myself, Lily…"

"Maybe," she said, "but you're way faster, smarter and more accomplished than they are and you know it. You probably could take on all four of them in a duel and win, I'm sure of it, so don't pretend you have to 'protect yourself'. I'm asking you, try not fight, Severus, please."

Faster. Smarter. More accomplished.

You're damn right, Lily Evans!

"But they're always bloody testing my patience…"

"I know," Lily said, placing her hand on Severus' knee, "but please don't rise to it. I'm begging you."

He bit his tongue and took another deep breath.

"Fine," he said eventually. "I won't start anything and I will try not to fight, but if they attack and I need to defend myself—"

"Then, by all means, do," Lily said, "please do!"

Severus nodded and watched as Lily stood from the bench and brushed a skeletal leaf from her jeans. She put her hand out for him to take, and as he did, she pulled him up to meet her.

"Don't use dark bloody magic either," she said. "I don't want Dumbledore to expel you. I like having you around."

He grinned.

"Oh yeah?"

Lily laughed – her lovely lilt of laughter that always brought joy to his day no matter how dark – and she wrapped her fingers inside his. He met her eyes and her face shifted to one of questioning.

"Sev, you do know that I love you, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know," Severus shrugged, "you've told me a hundred times."

"No," Lily said with another gentle laugh, "this is different. I don't mean I love you like a friend. I mean I love you… love you."

"You do?" he said, trying desperately to play it cool as his heart beat in his throat. "I err—You know that—"

Oh my God. I have absolutely no idea what do now. This is unprecedented. She loves me.

Stand straight. Look cool.

"Love you too," he said, quickly, pulling himself tall.

Yeah. That's easy. Cool. Casual.

Her face folded into one of puzzlement or hurt.

Too casual?

"I love you too," he said again, enunciating every damn word - he'd fucking scream it if it would make her happy.

Oh thank God, he thought, as her pout turned into a smile. He wanted to reach out to her. To touch her. To establish touch in some way. To curl his fingers into her skin to claim her as his.

Where do I normally put my arms? Around her shoulder?

She kissed him then, and his arms fell to his side and then by instinct they moved up to the small of her back.

"Come on," she said, and he placed his hand in hers, "it's time."

She led him through the corridors, up the stairs to the Gryffindor tower.

"Lily—" he said, as he stood stock-still, staring at a portrait of a portly woman, snoozing in her chair. "What are we doing here?"

He could feel his heartbeat in his throat, in his fingers, in his twitchy fucking cock. He thought he knew what he was doing here. He thought he knew what she wanted. What he'd wanted for so long but he'd been so afraid to ask. And now, after all this time, was she finally ready?

"Follow me," she said in a voice that was about half an octave lower than usual and breathy like one of the singers that she liked to listen to on the radio.

She straightened her back and pushed out her chest and he struggled to keep his eyes on her face. She dropped her bag to the floor and smirked at him. He wasn't sure he liked it. She didn't need to put on a performance. He wanted Lily. He'd waited for years for Lily. Not whoever this was that she was pretending to be.

Unless…

Am I supposed to pretend to be someone else too?

"Are you sure?" Severus asked. "You're ready?"

The question mark in his voice was displaced by her exclamation.

"Oh, I'm sure!"

March 1976.

Lily glared at Potter and his cronies from across Potions classroom and as her eyes flitted to Severus on the next table who was trying his best to concentrate on the lesson.

"Don't pretend you don't hear us, Snivellus!" barked Black.

"Leave it, Padfoot", the wolf said.

"Padfoot," Severus baulked. "Pathetic."

James puffed up his chest and straightened his shoulders.

Of course.

"Do we have a problem, Snape?"

"Fuck off, Potter! I'm trying to listen to Slughorn."

"Some of us don't have to listen," Black said. "Some of us are naturally gifted…"

"Who of 'us'? I know you're not talking about you."

Lily caught his eye again and she widened them, then she smiled and batted her lashes, as though that was supposed to make him feel better. Severus folded his arms and sat back in his chair. It would be time to brew soon.

"Oi!" he heard. "Psst. Snape!"

"Don't pay them any attention," Lily said aloud, with all the tact of a pneumatic drill.

Fucking brilliant.

Black threw his head back as he laughed and his long hair tumbled down his back, like a bloody Veela.

"Aww! Look, James," Black said, narrowing his eyes. "He's got his girlfriend to stick up for him."

She raised her eyebrows and cocked her head. Potter didn't say anything. His lips were tightly shut now. He wouldn't want to show his true colours in front of his precious Evans.

"Bite me, Sirius," she said with a cocky little grin.

Is she flirting with him?

"Can't believe you're sleeping with the enemy," Black said.

Severus locked his eyes with Lily as Black laughed.

It's just a turn of phrase, he told himself. They don't know anything.

"What do you see in him, anyway, Evans?"

Lily smirked, as she said, "why? Are you jealous?"

"Maybe a little," Black said and Severus would have sworn that his grey eyes bloody well twinkled. "Seriously though. Why do you like him?"

I'm right here!

"I can't explain it," she said.

She didn't mean it the way it sounded, he knew, but Severus felt his fingernails come sharp at his palm. He studied the grooves in his skin to avoid making eye contact with any of them, particularly Lily.

"You can't even defend him," Black said. You know as well as we do that he's a slippery, greasy, creepy—"

"Can't you be a good boy and lick your balls in private? Otherwise, I might have to have you neutered." Severus snapped, kicking the bench from behind him, grabbing his cauldron and turning to his class-partner. "Come on. There are seats free at the front."

"Bye-bye, Snivellus!"

April 1976.

Severus peered over the stack of books in his arms and as he turned the corner into the corridor, he caught sight of a flash of auburn hair disappear behind the library doors. Severus couldn't explain why he did it – call it curiosity – but he followed. He dropped the books one by one and piled them neatly outside the door and pulled his wand from his pocket. He pushed open the doors and popped his head around. There was nobody to see, but he could hear her voice. Hear his too.

Potter.

As the doors closed behind him, their voices lowered to whispers, but neither bothered to look to see who had entered.

They obviously don't care if I hear them, he decided, so it's not eavesdropping.

He moved towards the hushed sound coming from somewhere near the restricted section.

My section.

Severus pressed his back to one of the bookshelves as he listened to their voices.

"— but I'm serious, Lily," Potter said. "You need to be careful. You're in over your head."

She's Lily today, he thought. Not Evans.

Is this what he is like when he is alone with her? When he is not showing off for his buddies?

"I am quite capable of looking after myself, thank you very much," Lily said sharply. "He's a good person, he just…"

"He practices dark magic! I know he's your boyfriend and you love him or whatever but he's dangerous—"

Of course, they're talking about me.

"I'm fine, really. It's none of your concern… and he's not used dark magic for ages so you can save your breath."

Severus smiled in spite of himself.

"Look, I know I've made a fool of myself in the past," Potter said, "but we're friends aren't we?"

"Yes, we are," Lily said, and she smiled.

A pretty little smile.

Fuck!

"Right, so as your friend, I'm asking you to trust me."

Potter put his hand on Lily's arm and she didn't pull away. She looked at him with her sad little doe eyes and gave him a sympathetic smile.

"I'm telling you this as a friend. Severus uses dark magic. When you were off sick last week, in Potions, we were dicking around with him and he almost killed Wormt— Pettigrew…"

She's Lily and I'm Severus now, am I?

"I'm telling you," Potter said, "he's not right… he's…"

Severus moved into their view.

"I'm what Potter?" he spat.

Lily looked taken aback but Potter grinned as though he had been expecting him.

"Oh, there are just so many words that come to mind… ugly, cruel, depraved… but what I really mean… what it all boils down to… is that you're rotten. You're rotten to the core, Sniv— Severus."

Severus rolled up his sleeves and held out his wand.

"Maybe you should put your wand where your mouth is…"

Lily's eyes darkened as she stared at him and she snatched the wand from Severus' hand with such force that for a moment he thought she would snap it in two.

"Thank you, James," Lily snipped, shoving his wand into her pocket. "You can go. I need to speak with Severus."

Potter's smile was visible only to Severus as he took his bookbag from the desk and slung it over his shoulder.

"Lily, I—"

"Save it!" she snapped. "I'm done, Severus. I told you to back off."

"I did!" Severus said.

"Did you?!"

No, he thought. I suppose not.

"I don't want to be a pushover. I won't let Potter strut around like he owns the place – like he owns you… I saw the way you looked at him."

Lily threw her hands in the air in frustration.

"This damn nonsense again!" she said. "I do not want to date James bloody Potter. He's arrogant and pretentious and not nearly as brave and clever as he thinks she is."

Severus smirked as he dropped his head – both ashamed of his actions and pleased with her.

"You can wipe the smile off your face," she said, "because I don't want to date you either."

She'll come round, he thought, as he reached his hand out for his wand and said, "fine."

She always comes back to me.

May 1976.

The Defence Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. exam had just given out, and Severus was feeling pleased with himself. He'd scribbled for the full hour, answered every question and even gone back over to add more detail. He was getting an 'Outstanding', there was no doubt about it. He caught sight of Lily from across the grounds and he dropped his head as he stalked across the grass, trying to avoid unwanted attention.

Attention came anyway.

"Alright, Snivellus?" he heard Potter say from behind him.

He never misses a bloody opportunity, does he? Severus thought as he pulled his wand from his robes, just as he thought of Lily and the promise he had made just days ago. I will only defend myself, he'd said. He'd promised that before, but this time it was different. It was his last chance. Last time she'd dumped him, she'd only agreed to take him back after a hell of a lot of begging.

He swung around to Potter to see that his wand was outstretched and so Severus opened his mouth but he wasn't quick enough, as Potter yelled "Expelliarmus!" and Severus' wand shot out of his hand and bounced into the grass.

Shit! I'm unarmed.

Where's my wand?

"Impedimenta", Potter said, as Severus moved towards where his wand had fallen, and he fell in a pathetic lump at Potter's feet.

Wandless magic, he thought. Worth a shot!

"Entomorphis! Fuck! Flipendo! Come on! Titillando! Potter, you total shit! I'll have you. Steleus! Fuck you! Sectumfuckingsempra! You bastard! You cunt!"

"Wash your mouth out!" Potter said and all at once, Severus' mouth filled with soap.

"Leave him ALONE!" Severus heard from beside him as he spat bubbles from his mouth.

Lily.

"Lily, don't—" he tried to say, but he gagged on the foam on his tongue and he began to choke.

"I'll leave ol' Snivellus alone if you go out with me, Evans," Potter said.

We're Evans and Snivellus again now that he has an audience.

"I'd rather fuck the giant squid," she said, as she fell to Severus' feet and bundled his wand into his hand.

Severus' eyes darkened blacker even than usual as he pointed his wand at Potter.

"Fine," Potter said, understanding and he stopped the charm as he laughed. "That was soap in your mouth, by the way, Sniv. I know you're not familiar with it."

"Fuck you," Severus said, as he pointed his wand, to Potter's head.

"Don't," Lily warned.

It wasn't a question. It was a command, but it was too late, as a blast of light shot from Snape's wand and a laceration appeared on James' face; a deep cut from his cheekbone to his throat.

"Severus!" Lily snapped. "What the hell is the matter with you."

Severus pulled himself to full height. "Do you want me to just stand here and take it?"

"That was dark magic!" she yelled. "Heal him!"

Snape folded his arms and his eyes fell behind Lily, where the dog, the rat and the wolf pawed over their leader.

"Put him right!" Black roared, his wand square to Snape's eyes.

"Please, Sev."

He looked back to Lily.

"Now," she said. "Heal him now, or we're done, Severus!"

Severus sighed and muttered, "Vulnera Sanentur" and he slumped under the weight of Lily's stare.

"You're dead, Snivelly," Black said as he tended to his friend.

Snape held his wand aloft, pointing it at the three of them but he couldn't help but look at Lily. Each time he looked away, his eyes drifted back. He had never seen her so disappointed.

This could be it.

The end.

And as she shrugged, and pushed past him, making her way towards the crowd that had formed around them, he felt his stomach drop. It was as though the world was upside down, and then, just for one second, one stupid, distracted second he lowered his wand. of He turned his back on the Marauders to look at Lily who was behind him now, and with a flash of light the world was upside down and the onlookers gasped and tittered and howled as he hung upside down. As he rotated towards Potter, he felt gravity do what gravity fucking does and his cloak fell around his waist revealing his underwear – his old, sad, grey underwear that he'd been wearing since he was eleven because nobody cared to buy him new ones and he could hardly afford his own.

He heard Lily again then. She had come back. She had walked away and made him turn his back and now he was at the mercy of James fucking Potter who had never had the jump on him in his life and now, twice in one damn day he was at his mercy, because of her. Because of Lily and her insistence that he be good.

Well fuck being good, he thought. And fuck you.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" she yelled. "Take the curse off him!"

Curse, he thought. Dark fucking Magic!

But Potter is so precious. He can't do wrong, can he?

But me? I'm pure fucking evil.

He tried to calm himself. Knew that he should. But he felt another flare of truest hatred as Potter muttered the counter-curse.

"There you go," Potter said with a sick grin. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus."

Lucky? Lucky! You only got the better of me because of her.

He spoke without thinking, then – let the red-hot poker of his anger be the force behind his words.

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Severus' blood ran cold.

Oh God.

"Fine," Lily said coolly. "I won't bother in future. And I'd wash my pants if I were you, Snivellus."

This is unforgivable.

What you have done is unforgivable.

"Lily," he begged, but she did not turn back to face him.

"Please! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" he yelled, but she didn't hear him because she was gone.

Please, Lily. Don't leave me. I love you. I need you. You're my whole world.

"Right," he heard Potter say just as he was thrust back into the air and found himself dangling upside down again, "who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"

The fear of his cock flapping in the wind for all to see was nothing compared to the absolute panic he felt as he watched Lily's flame-red hair turn into a ginger freckle in the distance. He had nothing to lose, he decided and with a burst of rage that came from his bones – and hatred that boiled in his blood he spat "Expelliarmus", and it was then that he performed his first piece of wandless magic, and Severus fell from the sky onto his head. He groaned as he pulled himself upright and clutched his hand to the soaring pain at his crown; as he pulled his hand away he saw that his fingers were stained with his blood.

"I didn't know you could bleed, Snivellus," Potter spat. "I figured that slime coursed through your veins."

Severus swiped his wand at Potter who immediately clutched his stomach.

"Cramps, Potter? I wonder… Will you shit yourself? Or have you finally started your period!?"

"Don't get your dirty little knickers in a twist," Black said.

The crowd snickered and Severus turned to face them. He caught sight of one face, in particular, that was pink with his joy. The older Slytherin with the dirty blonde curtains – the one who had told him that he and Lily were doomed.

"Don't laugh at me," Severus said.

"Lighten up," the older boy replied.

'She won't stick around forever', he'd said. 'Girls like her never do.'

Fuck you, he thought, FUCK YOU, as he jabbed his wand at the boy, and just as Potter had to him minutes before, he flipped the kid upside down.

"You think it's funny now?" Severus snapped.

The kid tried to pull his robes around his knees, but just as it had for Severus, gravity did its job and revealed the kid's undies for everyone's amusement.

"No," the kid said, "it's not funny. I'm sorry—"

"Lighten up!" Severus said, darkly.

"Shall I pull off his knickers?" Severus asked.

The crowd of kids began to chant their response of "YES! YES! YES!"

"Snape! Come on! Leave him alone!" he heard Potter say behind him. "It's not funny."

Severus whipped around.

"What?! It's not funny anymore?" he screeched – he was completely out of control now. "When it's not Snivellus with his cock out, it's suddenly NOT SUCH A LAUGH?!

He couldn't help but feel pleased with himself as the kid in the air began to cry. He felt powerful. He hadn't felt powerful for years. This might well be the first time he'd ever felt powerful!

"Okay," Potter said, "we're sorry, aren't we boys?"

They all nodded - even Black cleared his throat and whispered: "yeah, sorry, Snape."

He looked at the kid, he was frightened and ashamed- he mirrored Severus exactly.

Fuck, he thought. I've gone too far.

"Good," he said, clearing his throat, taking a deep breath and lowering his wand.

But the decision was out of his hands now.

One of the other Slytherins pulled out his wand and with a flash of light, the boy jerked back into the air and his underwear came clean off. The boy squealed as his pants ripped through the air and landed somewhere in the crowd of people who raised their voices as a chorus of screaming and cackling, accompanied by 'EW's and 'DON'T's and 'GROSS'es.

"Oh my god," one of the boys said, before bursting with howling laughter.

"SKIDMARKS!" another yelled.

Severus felt his cheeks grow hot.

"Alright now," he said to the crowd at large. "Let's just leave him alone. He's had enough."

The crowd did not pay him a moment of attention and he even found himself turning to Potter for help but he just shrugged his shoulders and looked as sick and confused as Severus did. Then Potter's face changed from the pink of confusion and sickness to a deathly white of true shame and disbelief and Severus turned around to see that the kid was drenched with… with…

Fuck.

No. No. Oh no!

He's pissed himself.

It was Lupin who spoke first. It was the first time he'd ever heard him raise his voice.

"All of you," he said, "get the fuck out of here before I rip you open…"

Everyone had heard rumours of Lupin's lycanthropic secret. Nobody dared to risk it. The crowd dispersed just in time, as McGonagall came into view.

I can't tangle with McGonagall right now, he thought and shared one last look of disgust with Potter – except this time, their disgust was not with one another, but with themselves. As McGonagall hitched her skirt and began to hurry and Lupin and Pettigrew moved to take care of the older boy, Severus began to back out of sight, not daring to make any sudden movements.

It didn't matter though, as the older kid with the dirty curtains turned to him.

"If you so much as touch me ever again," the Slytherin said, "I will kill you."

Typically Severus' immediate reaction to such a threat was to smirk, to laugh, to mock – but not today. Something in the boy's eyes told him that he meant it.

Now.

Severus blanched.

Oh my God. I remember now.

"This is all my fault. Everything that has happened… I'm so sorry."

"Oh," Hermione said, and she gave him a gentle and sorrowful smile. "The man who followed us… who tried to kill us… it was him… that kid."

"Yes," Severus said. "I can't believe I didn't figure it out sooner. I all but traumatised him…"

"It was a long time ago," Hermione said. "And we were so sure it was Cressida. Don't blame yourself—"

"I do blame myself", Severus said, brushing over Hermione's words. "Do you know what the worst part is?"

"What?" she asked.

"I couldn't even tell you his name."

AN: It will all come together, I swear, haha!