"Holy shit," Luke says. "Is that a baby?"
Jess sighs. "Nice of you to call first, Uncle Luke."
"Holy shit," Luke says again.
April pops up from behind his shoulder, grinning manically. "Bad word jar," she says. "Hi, Jess!"
"Hey, kiddo," Jess says, and steps aside to let them inside.
Luke makes only the bare minimum movement required to clear the front door, still gaping at Willa. "Who gave you a baby?"
"I picked her up at Costco," Jess says, hitching Willa a little higher up on his hip. She clutches at his arm and gives Luke the stink-eye, loyal to the right people as always. Jess is very proud of her. "They were fifty percent off if you bought a washing machine and you know, I couldn't say no to a deal like that."
April walks right up to him, peering at Willa. "She's cute," she announces. "Congrats, dude."
"Thanks," Jess says, at the same time that Luke says, "don't call him 'dude.'"
"Why not?" April asks.
"What are you, a surfer? Don't call people 'dude,'" Luke gripes. "She's been watching these stoner movies."
"Stoner movies," Jess says.
"Oh my God, he walks in on me and Kathleen watching Bill and Ted once, and he thinks I'm headed for complete moral depravity," April says. "Can I hold her?"
"Sure," Jess says, and starts the process of untangling Willa's fingers from the buttonholes of his shirt. "Don't be weird if she starts to cry, she takes a while to warm up to people."
"I'm great with babies," April assures him, and carefully wraps her arms around Willa, cradling her gently against her chest. Willa looks back at Jess with a vaguely betrayed look on her face, and pounds her fist in outrage against April's shoulder. "Hey, she likes me!"
"Sure, that's what that means," Jess says, keeping one hand on Willa's back. They've got a good ten, fifteen minutes of non-crying time, so long as Willa is reasonably assured that everybody is paying enough attention to her.
Luke, swinging back and forth between glaring at Jess and gaping at the baby, snorts. "Okay," he says, holding out his hands, "okay. This is…very funny. You're hilarious."
Jess looks over at him, carefully arranging his face. "What are you talking about?"
"Whose kid is this?" Luke demands. "Are you babysitting or something? Jess, I told you if you needed money to come to me, you don't need to do this."
"I'm not babysitting," Jess says derisively, and April rolls her eyes so hard her head kind of sways with the motion. "Who babysits as a profession?"
"You should be concentrating on your writing," Luke says.
"I'm not babysitting!"
"Dad," April says, long-suffering, "it's his baby. The baby's his. I mean, look at her!" She raises Willa up just a fraction, waggling her eyebrows. Willa babbles in annoyance, waving her fists at the entire room, collectively. "Look at her cheekbones!"
Luke freezes in place, then laughs. "Okay," he says, nodding a little too fast. "Okay. Okay."
"Her name's Willa," Jess says, and pauses to rearrange his face again when Luke looks at him, eyes wide. "She's…I named her Willa."
"Jess," Luke says, and suddenly Jess can't hold eye contact. The air in the room feels suddenly very, very warm.
"Ow!" April says, and then jumps when both of them turn to look at her in surprise. "Sorry. She got my glasses."
Jess reaches out and pushes them back up her nose for her. "She likes you," he says. Willa glares at both of them.
"She's very, um," April says, struggling to hold on as Willa squirms, "lively. Oh my God - "
Jess swipes her back into his arms, a preventative measure. Willa is determined to give every adult she knows a lifelong guilt complex about dropping her on hard surfaces. "That's one word for it."
"Who's her mom?" April asks innocently. "Your Facebook status says 'single.'"
"Are we friends on Facebook?" Jess asks, surprised. He's not sure he even remembers his password.
"I hacked into it and added myself," April says. "I added Aunt Liz too, but I told T.J. you didn't have one. You're welcome."
"Okay," Jess says blankly. Willa says another nonsense word, and starts working her fingers back into his buttonholes. "Her mom's not in the picture. We weren't even dating."
"Were you friends with benefits?" April asks, grimacing in some kind of weird, teenage imitation of bro solidarity.
"How old are you again?" Jess asks.
"I am sixteen, thank you very much," April says, huffing. "How old are you?"
"I can't remember," Jess tells her honestly.
"Okay!" Luke says, and stomps into the apartment, shouldering his way between the two of them. "Okay!"
Jess and April watch as he starts rooting around the living room, glaring angrily at each piece of furniture that he encounters. "What," Jess says, "is he doing?"
"I think he's looking for hidden cameras," April says.
"This is lunacy," Luke shouts. Willa babbles loudly, pulling at Jess' shirt, and Luke whirls around to point at her. "Thank you! See, this, this is a smart baby. Who do you belong to, baby?"
"She belongs to me, Luke," Jess says. Willa keeps babbling, shaking one fist in the air like an old man, and Jess has a sudden flashback to Luke-from-seven-years-ago, yelling at Jess about something and shaking his fist in almost exactly the same way. He feels, very suddenly, lightheaded.
"Hah!" Luke says. He glares at Jess, then at April, then at the ceiling. "Hah!"
April sighs. "This is how he processes things," she says. "Dad. Dad! Did you look at her cheekbones? They're Jess' cheekbones, Dad!"
"Yes, April, I can see she has cheekbones," Luke says. He stomps over, gesturing emphatically at Willa, who of course seems to find it hilarious, and babbles louder. "She has cheekbones and a nose and eyes and hair and all the normal things that babies have, what I can't see is how that means she's Jess' daughter, because surely if Jess went off and made a major life decision like having a child, he would tell people about it and not just surprise them with a fully-grown infant out of nowhere because Jess is an adult now who makes adult decisions, right Jess? Are you an adult?"
Jess takes a deep breath. "Ye - "
"Great! You know what adults do, Jess? They tell their families when they have families! Holy shit, does Liz know about this? Jess I swear to God if you make me tell Liz and T.J. about this I'm going to punch you in the face. I will punch you right in the face!"
Jess pauses, waiting to see if he's finished, but Luke just breathes heavily, glaring. Willa sticks her fist in her mouth, fascinated.
"Maybe we should talk in the kitchen," he says.
"Oh, talk in the kitchen, he says!" Luke exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. "Sure, Jess, let's go talk in the kitchen. Let's go talk in the kitchen about your baby, because you have a baby! Holy shit, you have a baby." Luke straightens up suddenly, his face growing slack. "You have a baby. This is your baby."
"Yes," Jess says cautiously, exchanging a look with April. She gives him an encouraging grin. "Yes. Willa."
"You have a baby, and this is my niece," Luke says.
"Grand niece," April corrects.
"Whatever," Luke says. "Okay, hand her over."
"I'm sorry, are you asking to hold her?" Jess asks. "Are you asking to hold my child, or demanding that I throw her at you like a football, because what you just said sounded like the latter."
"Do you have any idea what my blood pressure was at my last doctor's appointment?" Luke demands. "Of course you don't, because you only call me once every two years when the stars align and all the crows start flying backwards. Quit giving me crap and hand her over."
"You say that like it's not common knowledge that you have high blood pressure," Jess says. "People who don't even know you know you have high blood pressure, Luke."
"Jess!" Luke says, and steps forward, reaching out for Willa. Willa babbles, suddenly happy as a clam, and lurches toward her angry bull of an uncle. Traitor, Jess thinks. "Wow, okay. Hi there. Willa, is that your name? Hi, Willa."
Willa reaches up and punches him in the nose.
April laughs out loud, and Jess crosses his arms. "She likes you," he says.
"Of course you're Jess' kid," Luke says, scowling at her. Willa just babbles some more, charmed all to hell, because of course. Of course. "Listen, no punching, okay? Punching's bad. Just because your dad does it for fun doesn't mean you follow in his footsteps."
"I haven't punched anyone in," Jess says, and stops to think about it, "six months. At least six months."
"I'm so proud of you," Luke drawls, but his heart clearly isn't in it. Willa is babbling still, squeaking and wiggling around in Luke's arms, flailing her little fists at Luke's face, who is standing there staring like he's just been hit by a train. "Wow. Okay." Luke swallows, and carefully runs one of his hands over Willa's messy head of hair, brushing it back off her face. "Okay."
"She's," Jess says, and has to stop to clear her throat, "yeah. She's almost eight months old. We've been…"
"Adjusting," April says helpfully. "They've been adjusting, probably, right Jess?"
"Sure," Jess says.
"Okay," Luke says, still staring at Willa. Willa, to her credit, seems nonplussed, and starts chewing on the collar of her shirt.
"I was going to tell you," Jess says.
"Okay," says Luke.
"I was," Jess insists. He looks at Willa instead of Luke, who keeps swiveling her head back and forth between everyone, making faces and slobbering all over her clothes. "It's been - "
"I could have helped," Luke interrupts. "I would have."
"I didn't want help," Jess says, willing himself to say it plainly, without irony or derision. "Luke, I needed to do it without help."
Luke is silent for another long moment, touching Willa's hair again. He adjusts her slightly, and carefully pulls her shirt out of her mouth. "Okay," he says.
His face is still tight, and Jess sighs. "I've only known about her for four months," he confesses, and both April and Luke's expressions shift, almost in tandem, to something a little less smug, something that looks uncomfortably close to pity. "I've had her for about two."
"Her mom's not in the picture, huh?" Luke asks, clearly trying very hard to sound neutral, and failing spectacularly as usual.
Jess winces, and rubs the back of his neck. "She's married," he says, and April chokes on a burst of laughter.
Luke rolls his eyes, even more dramatically than April had, if even possible. "Of course she is," he says.