Chapter 20
Rin was lost. She didn't know where she was, and she knew only fragments of who she was. She knew fragments of what she'd done, but that was all. Darkness swelled around her pulsing like a heartbeat. She didn't touch it, but her curiosity willed her to do so.
The ground she was standing on wasn't quite flat and wasn't quite ground. It was more like a pond or a shallow river. Water rippled beneath her feet but it wasn't very deep. The ground sunk in where she stood.
Small webs of light spread over the surface of the darkness, providing her light. She stretched her hand out and yanked it back when the surface of the darkness didn't feel right. The surface had felt smooth and silky like liquid silver. It rippled like it too.
Where exactly was she? Where was Len? Her mind raced when she couldn't come up with the answers. The moment of confusion didn't last long as she didn't have much of anything. If she ever had, she'd forgotten it all. She had nothing, nothing but Len.
Len wouldn't like it if she wandered off again. Thankfully, he hadn't scolded her for leaving the group up on the mountain trail. Even though it had not been her fault.
The wall of darkness shimmered, and Rin found herself touching it again. Warmth bristled in her fingertips and tiny sparks shivered up into her. Making her feel hazy, her head a little heavier.
Having nowhere else to go, Rin took a deep breath. She breathed in and held her breath, leaping through into the darkness.
Immediately the world around her bristled into color. The bright greens of the grass meadow she was standing in spanned out for miles. Wide and very much beautiful. The air smelt of fresh cut grass and she noticed the gardens lining the edges of the field.
Such beauty...Rin couldn't help wondering where she was. Wondering if Len could see this. When she went to take a step forward however, her legs didn't move.
Instantly Rin had an idea of what was happening. Someone touched her shoulder and she looked to her left.
Standing there was the same long blonde haired woman she'd met before. The same blonde haired woman who had attacked Len back at that store they'd visited. A fire started to burn inside of her.
The woman was beautiful, her eyes a radiant blue but not a color as bright or intense as Rin's. Right now she knew her eyes would be any color but blue. Right now they were a bloody red. A fact she knew by now.
The woman was older, possibly no older than twenty-five. She wore a long white coat and instantly Rin knew what she worked as. All the scientists wore long white coats. The woman had neon blue eye shadow, but it wasn't a color that didn't fit her. She was tall, lean and slender.
Despite her profession, she wore tall high heeled boots alternating colors of orange and black. She wore a simple white nurses dress which had no buttons, no pockets, and the collar was neatly set. Underneath the dress she had on a pair of black tights.
With her long blonde hair loosely straightened along with the outfit, she was one of the prettiest females Rin had ever seen so far along with Miku and Luka. She was so attractive, it was hard to believe she was a scientist.
"You ready?" She asked Rin, and Rin found herself nodding. She spoke but had no control over what she said.
"I'm always ready Lily," Rin smiled. She knew all too well what they'd be talking about.
In the far distance Rin could see a helicopter. The pilot was a person, but he was carrying another person. Somebody of importance, someone who had opposed him. However, the pilot was an innocent person, just a driver. A driver with possibly a family expecting him to come home later that night.
Even though Rin thought this, her other self did not. She cared not who she harmed, how many lives were destroyed. Only that someone had dared harm who she held dear. Rin felt his presence behind her and knew that he had come to watch the show. Provide her commands.
She didn't need them. That's what her other self had thought at that moment. She would harm anyone and everything that dared harm him, question him, or get in his way.
"Destroy it," he'd said behind her, his voice a low hum that almost seemed to come from inside her head. "Destroy it," he repeated but there really was no need. She knows she'll do it, wants to do it. The craving for destruction inside her burns so intense that she can't hold out for another second. She smiles and focuses and heat builds inside her. It rises and singes and flames, then it bursts. The propeller of the helicopter snaps and bends, the helicopter lurches and then plummets. It screams as it falls, a sharp, thin whistle of desperation. Nothing is funny or even slightly amusing but Rin feels herself singing.
The helicopter crashes so hard that the ground shakes, its final scream is so loud that her ears ring. But that wasn't enough, not nearly enough, not for her. The sins of this person couldn't just be forgiven in fire and flame. Rin skips forward, still singing softly to herself. She twirls forward almost into the wreckage
One of the men spots her, even in his pained state with rich blood running down the side of his face, he smiles at her. Watching her as if she's his saviour, as if she's there to help; but that was her charm. Rin smiles back at him, and assesses his damage. Half the helicopter had collapsed onto him. Trapping him under. She smiles and needs the helicopter not to just crash on him, not to just explode, but to shatter. To rip, disintegrate and tear and burn till not even scraps of him are left.
Rin lifts her hands and brings them down. She forces the wreckage down harder. The mans scream is pleasing to her ears and she forces it down deeper, and deeper. The snapping and the crackling are but everyday soundtracks of her life. She turns away and stands next to Lily. Rin closes both her hands to form fists. The explosion behind her is glorious. Metal bending and melting from the rise in temperature. Smoke fills her nostrils and a hand touches her shoulder so she stops.
Rin opened her eyes and felt tears streaming down her cheeks. She'd fallen asleep in a chair next to Len. Her hand was on Len's, and she watched it trembling. Her whole body was trembling.
Rin wiped at her tears and tried to be strong. In Len's presence she wanted to be as strong as she could. Dreams of her past, memories, they all scared her. It terrified her to think she'd done such things. Such things to anyone. All living people with lives and possibly families; families she'd shattered.
It pained her to learn such things. Rin found herself locking her hand with Len's, wishing for him to be awake soon. To comfort her and provide her some of his strength. He'd promised to protect her and she knew he would. He'd done so already.
Len still slept peacefully and she couldn't help but wonder when he'd wake up. Sitting here and waiting beside him, keeping Len company, the happiness she felt, she didn't want it to end. However it was also agonizing not to be able to feel his touch comfort her back with hers.
Such a thought brought sadness to her heart. A sadness that burned like cold fire. Having to live without Len wouldn't just be painful, it'd be excruciating. Suddenly not being able to be by his side...such a thing, she didn't wanna imagine it. Not ever, and most certainly not in this lifetime.
Rin gripped his hand a little tighter. It was warm...very warm. She wanted to feel this warmth all the time, Len's warmth. Even if she didn't deserve such a thing after all she'd done. She couldn't help it, she loved him.
Rin used her free hand and dried her eyes. If Len woke up to see her crying, he'd surely be worried. She'd already given him enough worry for a lifetime. If Len woke she needed to smile. So she thought of something else. She pictured Len's expression if he was to wake right now.
He'd probably make a harsh comment or ask her what she thought she was doing. He'd argue, get angry and annoyed. Len would be plenty flustered and yet, wouldn't draw his hand away from hers. Such happiness was only something Len could provide. Only Len...
"This room is off limits you know." The new voice suddenly breaking into the atmosphere scared Rin. She sat upright and drew her hand away from Len's, missing the close contact already.
Rin twisted around immediately to see Miku. She was standing in the doorway holding a plate filled to the brim with chocolate chip cookies. In the other hand, a tall glass of milk. Rin could see the steam coming off the cookies and the milk contained in the cup. Miku stepped inside and closed the door behind her.
"Sorry," Rin apologized, avoiding eye contact. It wasn't that she was afraid or embarrassed. Somehow she just couldn't bring herself to meet Miku's eyes. "I didn't know…" her voice trailed.
"That's right, since you were also out," Miku said shortly.
She walked over to Rin and set the plate of cookies and milk on a bedside table next to Len. Rin stood and stepped aside. Allowing Miku easier access to the table.
"Are those for Len?" Rin asked. Miku didn't answer, so she spoke again. "That's awfully kind of you Miku. I'm sure Len will be happy to see those when he wakes up." Rin smiled brightly, Miku stared down at Len.
For a while, Miku didn't speak, so Rin didn't either. Silence filled the spaces between them. A silence that was unbearable. Somehow, it made Rin feel guilty and very, uneasy. The silence made her remember earlier.
"Um, Miku?" Rin called, attempting to start up a conversation.
"I know," Miku said, turning and finally looking at Rin. Her teal eyes pierced Rin's blue ones and she couldn't help but wonder just how much Miku knew and what she was referring to when she said it.
Rin stood frozen for a while. Stunned, and waiting. Wondering what to do. Len had worked so hard to build a cover for her. If she blew it all in the moments Len wasn't with her.
Something inside her said to lie. Deny any accusation that Miku may have. She wouldn't have any proof. Without proof or even a witness the accusation could be deemed false.
But if Miku did have proof? What could she do then?
"Swiftly deal with her," a voice spoke in her head. A male voice, his male voice. Rin shivered and fought back the urge to obey, to submit. She wasn't sure what Miku knew. Jumping to conclusions could make everything messy.
That, and a part of her seriously doubted she'd be able to kill Miku after the memory she'd just gained. Her mind processed it as a lie, a lie too fake to believe. But it was a lie Rin wanted to believe. She wanted to know and truly believe more than anything that she wouldn't hurt anyone. Not anyone or anything, innocent or not...not anymore.
He'd always told her to suppress threats. To handle watching eyes. Rin focused on Miku. Hopefully his voice would fade, Rin prayed that it would. Because if it didn't and Miku said what Rin believed she would…Rin forced the rest of the sentence out of her mind. A heat started to stir within her, that too she fought.
"What, do you mean Miku?" Rin asked innocently. Miku's eyes narrowed and Rin noticed her death grip on the chair.
"You…you like Len, right?" It had been the complete opposite of what she thought Miku would say, but a calm came over her. It hadn't been what she thought, which was good. However, this situation was entirely a different thing now. Rin nodded.
"Yeah..., I realized it not too long ago," Rin confessed. Rin glanced at the floor and then back at Miku. "Miku, if I'm not mistaken...you also like Len, yes?" Miku released the chair and gripped her arm. Rin watched as Miku dug her fingers into her arm till they turned a pale white. Miku cleared her expression and nodded.
"Back in the sauna Teto was bothering me about it remember?" Rin stared at Miku.
"That's what I was referring to," Rin said.
"Is that why?" Miku asked, looking somewhat pained. Rin tilted her head, not quite understanding what Miku meant. "Is that why you didn't tell us your feelings in the sauna?" Rin looked away.
"I guess…" Rin lied.
"Have you confessed to him?" Rin shook her head. Again, quite confused by the question. She did want to tell Len that she loved him. However, with their relationship...such a thing would be taken lightly. For a second, she even doubted if Len was capable of such feelings towards her or anyone.
"I did," Miku declared firmly. "I'm not quite sure what his response really was. I'll just have to confess again, but I really love him." A different emotion struck Rin through her heartache at those words. It was less painful than her earlier emotions, but more selfish.
It was a sort of anger that Miku had told Len her feelings. A selfishness of wanting him to herself. Her mind wandered to how Len might have felt then. What exactly had he done? Had Len been happy to hear Miku's feelings? Had he accepted them? The pain rushed back again as fast as it had receded. Rin balled her hands into fists and stared at the ground.
"Say, Rin?" Rin glanced up again to meet Miku's eyes.
"Yeah?"
"Could you possibly, give up?" Miku said. Her tone glacial and firm. She didn't waver, not even for a split second. The words struck Rin and she stumbled backwards bumping into a bed behind her. Miku was still staring at her, her eyes piercing, but her expression was unreadable.
"I don't want to sound too mean because you're a sweet girl but, I won't give Len to anyone. I want him no matter what so, please disappear."
Disappear...the word sunk deep. It bit down attempting to take a piece of Rin with it.
How was it that Miku could say something like that? Miku and her had been friends, hadn't they? Friends don't say such harsh words to each other and mean it. Rin plopped down on the empty bed behind her.
Hadn't she been fitting in? Accepted? Rin hung her head, trying to force the word out. It kept repeating, replaying. Over and over. Louder, more demanding. She forced back tears in her eyes.
"And go where...?" Rin finally asked, her head still hung. Her body felt numb and limp. Her soul nearing empty, a heat growing more intense inside of her.
Her surroundings shifted and suddenly she wasn't infront of Miku. She heard a mans voice beside her. His voice, beside her. She sat in a chair limply, her head hung as if she was sleeping.
Her eyes hadn't exactly moved but she was aware of her surroundings. A large thick wooden desk was beside her, slightly blocked by the man. The entire floor had been graced with rather sparkly and glossy black marble flooring. It was shined to perfection and not a single scratch was on it.
The room was rather empty besides the bosses extravagant desk and her chair. They both were on a marble platform several inches higher off the main marble flooring.
The chair Rin sat in was soft. Another fine luxury among all the luxuries she was surrounded by.
Her arms rested on the arms of the chair. Fine silk and extravagant ruffles surrounded them. She couldn't take her eyes off the pale and light blue silk with white ruffles. It didn't take much to realize it was a dress, and a very fine one indeed.
It wasn't unusual for her to be wearing such lolita fashion. She'd always worn clothes like this. All types of fancy and luxurious dresses. Everything from vintage lolita to steampunk. Wa lolita, refined classic lolita, and sweet lolita. Rin possessed dresses of all kinds. She wasn't used to wearing much else.
However Rin couldn't move. Not a single joint. She was awake and alive, but not all there. Her brain didn't follow her commands, only his.
"Rise," he had called and she straightened. Then rose to her feet, all in a single glide. Gracefully, beautifully, all of it was stunning. Not a thing had moved, and not a sound her feet had made.
She'd stood by him silently as he had not ordered her to speak. She felt the gentle sway of her hair in the breeze. It had been so long then. Each strand golden and delicate. Sheen shine, and sheer softness. A large pure white bow tying it all together.
The man had patted her. Gently kissed the top of her forehead. Something wet had dripped onto her.
"Isn't she beautiful…?" he'd said, his voice shaky.
"Our best success sir," Ted had smiled. "She's not complete yet though." But the man had laughed lightheartedly and suddenly, she'd been embraced.
"It's fine, she'll always be perfect...My most precious-" The memory ended there.
Rin shook it off. That memory...couldn't possibly be real. That man, knew no such emotion. Possessed no such kindness. It was a lie. There was nothing to go back to.
"Len is...the only one I have," Rin admitted. Her head still hung.
"Don't delude yourself like that!" Miku screamed, she stormed over and grabbed Rin's shoulders. "You have your family and I'm sure you had quite a few friends in the hospital. I've worked so hard for Len to even acknowledge me...you're a sweet girl, surely there is someone else. So please..." Miku pleaded. Rin watched Miku's shoulders jerk rather violently. She could hear the sobs, Rin stayed quiet.
She should have, but she felt no sympathy for Miku. Not even a little. Rin's body started to feel hot again and she sucked in deep breaths. Trying to calm herself and stay cool. Not to let Miku get to her. Whatever she said or did, Rin wouldn't allow it to bother her.
Just because Miku had loved Len longer didn't give her the right to have him. It was selfish, incredibly selfish but Rin didn't wanna give Len up. Miku didn't know the extent of her love for Len, likewise, Rin didn't know Miku's.
Why now of all times had Miku decided to go after Len? Why now? She'd truly grown up with him unlike Rin herself. She'd had the chance to be by Len's side all those years. Yet she hadn't done anything. If she'd really loved Len wouldn't she have told him sooner?
Wouldn't Miku have told him and continued on living by his side? Making him notice her more, allowing him time to fall in love with her?
If Miku had wasted her time, wasn't it her loss? Miku didn't have the right to be standing here now asking Rin to give up. If Miku lost Len due to her waste of time, Rin herself wouldn't have anything to do with it.
"I cant do that..." Rin said, finally speaking up. It'd be too harsh to speak her mind. Miku was already in a fragile state. "I don't have anyone else except Len, so that's impossible." Rin looked up, locking eyes with a startled and thrown off Miku. "And even then, I wouldn't give him to you."
Miku stared at Rin, horrified.
"In the end it's Len who gets to decide..." Miku said, her voice trailed and her hands fell away from Rin's shoulders. Miku rose to stand and Rin followed.
Rin felt the need to apologize, but before she opened her mouth Miku walked past her. Away. Away to the door and she didn't glance back, Rin didn't follow her this time.
How was it that she could explain herself to Miku? She wanted them to be friends, Miku was a nice girl. It had to be painful, exceptionally so, to find out someone loves the same person as you.
A kind of love that wasn't like how one loved their family or their best friend. Miku loved Len and so did Rin. Neither was willing to let go. But Rin still wanted to be friends.
Miku had been the first of all the girls to suggest all the girls be friends with Rin. Happy times like hiking up the hill hearing Luka babble on about shoes and her dislikes. Soaking in the hot springs chatting about more useless things. Sharing laughs, and staying up late voicing opinions.
All of it had been the most fun Rin ever had. She'd had friends and didn't want it to end. She wished to spend more days spreading a smile on their faces. To be accepted, to love and be loved in return.
That happiness and joy, were things she didn't want to end. Rin twisted on her heels to find Miku reaching for the doorknob.
"Miku, I'll still be beside him. If Len does choose you or someone else. I'll still be by his side. That's my selfishness, my burden, my conceited wish. I want to be beside Len no matter what. But I also want to stay friends with you Miku!" Rin shouted, she doubted it would wake Len. "You're my first friend after all...I don't wanna hurt you..."
For a second Miku stood frozen stiff. She shook her head and glanced at Rin, returning her gaze to the door shortly afterwards.
"You've already hurt me Rin," Miku said turning the knob.
"Miku if this is about Len..." Rin said, talking rather quickly.
"I saw what you did!" Miku screamed, whipping a nearby bottle of water at Rin. Instinctively Rin slapped the bottle away, she'd effortlessly done the action and it stunned her. The bottle crashed against the ground and water leaked onto the carpet.
Tears streamed down Miku's cheeks and those too, dripped onto the carpet. Miku's head was still hung and Rin couldn't see her expression.
Even though Miku was angry at her, Rin still wanted to hug Miku. To provide some kind of comfort, but she knew that'd be impossible. How could she stop Miku's tears when she'd been the cause of them?
So Rin stood in silence. Waiting for Miku to settle down. It was the only thing she could think to do. The only thing she had the right to do. When Miku finally did settle down, Rin tested the waters.
"Miku, I'm sorry..." Rin apologized.
"How could you?" Miku asked, drying tears away from her eyes. "How could you just kiss Len like that? What gave you the right?"
Rin stayed silent. She could tell when there was no point in apologizing anymore. This was already over. Miku wouldn't forgive her, and frankly she hadn't done anything wrong. Rin believed and knew she hadn't done anything wrong.
"I asked you a question Rin," Miku threatened. Rin stood, still silent. Feeling hurt but showing indifference. "Rin...the least you could do is answer it."
"I don't owe you any such favor Miku," Rin finally spoke, but she was long trapped inside herself. From this distance thankfully, Miku couldn't see her eyes. How they'd turned a bloody shade of red, no longer blue.
Rin had fought against herself to keep herself contained. Keep her other self from breaking through. The struggle had been useless, in the end she'd lost. Now before Miku wasn't her real self. The side that cared about Miku's feelings and valued her as a friend.
She heard her other self let out a mental laugh.
"Value as a friend?" She spoke, and laughed again. "This teal haired girl is not our friend, nor do we value her. She's simply trash that doesn't know her place."
"Don't say that about Miku! She...right now she's angry but I'm sure if I apologize-"
"What part of this don't you get Rin?" Her other self laughed. "This girl wants us gone. We're of no significance to her. She'd push us infront of a bus if she had the chance."
"Miku's not like that! Miku is my...first friend."
"Don't be ridiculous Rin." Her other self yawned and rolled her eyes. "We're not her friend anymore. We also don't need friends like her." Her other self bit, words laced with venom. "She's tough, high and mighty now, but I wonder how long she can keep up that act. Haven't heard bones break in a while." And much to her displeasure Rin felt a smile cross her face.
"Don't touch Miku...we don't know how it feels to be her. If I was in her position I'm sure I'd be upset too." Rin said. Trying to stop her other self, wanting not to do the unspeakable. If she put herself in Miku's position, she'd be upset too.
Len held all the others dear to him and so did Rin. She wouldn't and couldn't let anything happen to them. Not even Miku, because Miku was her friend. Rin valued friends mostly because she was sure she'd never had any.
Friendship couldn't possibly bloom under that man and his corporation. If it had, Rin didn't remember.
"Fine," Rin's other self agreed. "Cherish her and all these other people we don't need. Turn the blind eye and politely play house. All the sweeter for me when they turn their back on you and I'm right. I will, be right you know."
Then Rin was herself again. She could freely move her body and control her facial expressions. Miku had kept her head down the whole time. Not listening, not watching, her bangs dangling over her face creating a teal barrier.
"Miku, I'm sorry...I hope we can still-"
"From this day on, we're not friends anymore Rin."
"Miku…"
"We're rivals." Miku turned and left. Leaving Rin to all the silence of the boys room.
Rin couldn't help but let tears roll down her cheeks. She'd valued Miku, had thought they were friends. Rin patted both her cheeks, surely Miku wouldn't definitely mean such a thing; about them not being friends.
If she showed Miku how she really felt, and was friendly towards her. Things could change. Rin wouldn't give up on Len. Not for Miku, or anyone; even a trusted friend. She'd prove to herself that she could change and also change others. Again she'd prove her other self wrong.
Rin took one last glance at Len before she exited the room. Hopefully, Miku and her could get past this. Rin had finally found a place she wanted to stay and belong. There was no way, she'd give it up this easily.