When his energy touched her, Alexis' thoughts ceased, her consciousness, her very reality stopping as a nothingness encased her. What she felt was not just peace, it was an awareness that was away from experiences and memories, a tangible ecstasy that lacked stimuli and distractions.

A coveted space between existence and death.

Absolute silence. An annihilation of self. Freedom from pain, from death, from futures that would never be. Better than drugs, than medicines, than sleeping pills.

And it was all wrong.

As if a breath taken in her body that thought rocked through the bliss and forced her eyes to open and her logic to mock her with the truth.

The first time Sunstreaker had done this, she thought it was a form of comfort. But she had too much time to think since then. Alexis just couldn't see the Autobot offering comfort or accepting any.

Shaken by the loss of nothingness, forced back to what really was, Alexis pushed her body back and away from the Autobot's fingers, mesmerized by his chest that glowed a vibrant blue around the edges, his energy thick and vibrating, highly visible.

She felt her heart quicken beneath her rib cage, her belly lurch and tangle. Alexis had seen Starscream try to do something like this with her. The time he tricked her into "cleaning" him. Disgust, anger and shame made her skin crawl, as did the inclination to close her eyes and let him continue.

"Don't," Alexis managed the one word with a strain that made her dry throat itch. She stood up and backed farther away, shocked when his optics came back on and his digits surrounded her, pushing her back against the floor.

"You are mine. I will do with you as I please. Now be a good little human, and give in to what you need as much as I."

Alexis shook her head, struggled under his fingers, kicking, hitting, even tried biting, which really wasn't all that smart of a thing to do. He didn't budge. His optics brightened, forcing her to block the assault of light with her arm.

"I didn't know what this was," Alexis tried to reasonably argue despite the thoroughly awkward topic. "I thought, I thought I was comforting you. I thought perhaps..."

He laughed at her, his fingers sliding over her body in rhythm to his malevolent mirth. The movement gave her the leverage she needed to escape his far too warm fingers.

"For a supposed intelligent species, you are rather idiotic, are you not? When I spark a femme, it is definitely not comfort I seek. Although, I do admit, it did have certain benefits," he added smugly.

"You used me. You want to use me again," Alexis told the Autobot, having a strange sense of repetition. The conversation was similar to one she had with his brother.

He glowered at that. "Used you? You were the one to reach for me. And you enjoyed every moment of what followed."

"I didn't enjoy it," Alexis told him, cringing under his dominant stare that increased by a hundredfold at her words that unintentionally managed a direct hit at his virility. She suddenly had the vision of him picking her up and wringing her like a wet washcloth. "I don't feel the same thing you do. This isn't... sex to me."

He backed away from her at that. His chassis dimmed.

"You refuse me?" he asked of her, his voice a heated expelling of words that made her far too aware of the trickle of fear that always seemed to hover in the back of her brain when he was nearby.

She frowned at that and took a moment to gather her words. Alexis really didn't want to upset him further, more for her own sake than his. "This isn't about refusing you, Sunstreaker. I know you are hurting, but I can't do this with you. I don't..."

"Spare me," Sunstreaker cut through her words with a vengeance as he kicked at the nearby wall. He glared at her, frowning hard as he openly loathed her. "Despite what you think, you aren't the answer to everything. I don't need you. I don't need your help. And the only reason you are here is because my brother claimed you... for me."

Ignoring his volatile mood, she decided on speaking some truths of her own. "We aren't married. We aren't together, Sunstreaker."

His bad mood increased, his already condescending tone turning positively demeaning before changing into a determined appeal that rattled her more than his usually debasing behavior. "You don't know anything. This is more than marriage. We are connected now, even you must feel this."

Alexis still didn't like the Autobot. He was far too adversarial, even worse than before. But his grief, she identified with that. Because of his tragedy she felt drawn to him like nothing she had known since the death of her husband. It was like trying to cure poison with more poison. Like trying to put a fire out by throwing gasoline on it.

She gulped thickly when she came out of her own thoughts, his unjustly harsh gaze on her. "I don't know what I feel anymore, Sunstreaker. But I know this," she pointed to herself and then at him, "is not it." Alexis frowned. "I want to help you, I do, truly, but not with what I can't give you."

"You won't allow me to touch you."

"No."

He huffed at her directness, his manner turning back toward a verbal viciousness that should have shocked her. "You are pathetic, worthless, deny me that and your null. I might as well eject you out of the nearest airlock."

White-hot anger came, a vengeful retort on the tip of her tongue. His value system was screwed up and wrong. If that was all the Autobot wanted from her, he should have never brought her back with him.

Sunstreaker hovered above her, massive, threatening, a maddening expectation curling his mouth as he waited for her to explode and give into the rage.

Alexis backed up and walked away instead. Equilibrium returning the farther she got from him.

"I've forgotten how useless you are." The Autobot broke the silence. "And just how many hours do you have to recharge? And why recharge at all? What exactly do you do every day that drains so much energy?"

Picking up her food from the counter she had been sitting on, Alexis climbed down the side ramp and left the dining room and the Autobot behind.

"You've gained mass. An improvement I might add. It's unfortunate that you can't gain intelligence as quickly as you do weight, then being stuck with you wouldn't be such a burden."

Nails digging into her hand, she continued her course, walking beyond the insufferable Autobot who watched her smugly from the corner of the hallway.

It was like training a feral pit bull. At first, with his increasing hostility, Alexis was sure her way at dealing with him was just making him worse. She lost track of how many times she forced herself to clamp her mouth shut and walk away from him. How many times she didn't respond.

And when the shuttle landed inside a much larger and grander space craft, Alexis began to question exactly where the Autobot was taking her, not Josh like she had assumed. She couldn't remain with the Autobot. Her mental health was already in jeopardy. His treatment of her was inexcusable. The way she always had to be careful around him, force herself not to speak, make herself not react, it was stressful and an unnecessary existence.

Not sleeping the night previous from the repetitious nightmare of Sideswipe's death, she woke to the lack of familiarity, to the coldness of a metal floor that blankets couldn't seem to block out. She had wanted to help Sunstreaker, probably because of what she herself was going through. But she couldn't reach him. They could barely talk to each other without fighting.

They were the only occupants on the ship. The sleek space craft that was filled to the brim with tech and interesting looking equipment, with medals and trinkets, with tokens from various planetary campaigns. It was truly magnificent, if not grandiose.

It figured that the day she decided to talk to Sideswipe, he was nowhere to be found. He didn't leave the ship anymore, as far as she knew, but the ship was large enough that a human could get lost on it.

Alexis was relieved when she found him standing on the observation deck, a place she had never seen him enter.

"Sunstreaker, I..."

The Autobot turned around, only it wasn't Sunstreaker. Alarmed, the only thing that stopped her from taking a defensive posture was the Autobot symbol the mech wore.

He spoke. His words calm, his tone reasonable and apologetic. "I've alarmed you. I apologize. I too was looking for Sunstreaker." The smaller Autobot tilted his head along his shoulder, his warm optics examining her with interest.

"Who are you?"

He smiled. "Bumblebee. And you?"

Bumblebee was adorable. Which perhaps was all Sunstreaker's fault, as anyone would have seemed amiable compared to him.

She'd actually heard of the Bot, and knew he was a scout of Optimus Prime. He was curious, sweet and so genuinely empathetic that she nearly cried twice during their conversation that had somehow naturally drifted toward her husband, toward what had happened to her planet.

"I can take you to your brother," the Bot spoke up after a tentative pause. "I've been monitoring you humans' progress. And I am sure I could get permission to take you to your newly chosen planet."

"Really?"

He smiled at her, obviously pleased by her enthusiastic response, even pleased that he was able to help her in some manner. "I admit I am curious about your species. What I have been told fascinates me. But we will have to leave immediately. As soon as I have spoken with Sunny." His tone turned cautious and careful, his expression dark.

"Then I will go get my things. I will be right back."

Only when she returned, the scout was gone. The signs of a fight were evident, Sunstreaker waiting for her.

"Did you really think I would let you leave with the scout?" Sunstreaker spoke, his tone unpleasant and something else, an edge of unexpected vulnerability that allowed him to reign in some of the volatile rage. His chassis had small burn marks on it, his usually brilliant and bright armor dulled and dirty in small precise patches. When he shifted to the side, she saw another brilliant scratch on his door, the door handle cleanly broken off.

"What do you think we are doing here, Sunstreaker?" Alexis spoke softly, carefully, not wanting to rile him further. Not wanting to argue. It took everything she had not to let her eyes shift and take in the damage, the room still thick with smells that made her stomach stir with aversion. She didn't even have to imagine what must have happened to the Autobot scout. "We don't get along. You can't stand me. And I am not helping with your grieving. I'm only in your way. Let me go, Sunstreaker."

Whatever they were doing, how they were living, it wasn't healthy. It couldn't go on.

Her thoughts drifted to his brother, her eyes misting. She missed Sideswipe. They might not have always gotten along, but they could have been friends. To lose him just months after her husband was horrible, was a compounded tragedy that was made worse by what the Autobot had done to her. She was disturbed by what Sides did to her. It was a strange reassurance that eased the tragedy of his violent death and that also made it so much worse.

Still, every once and a while, Alexis would hear Sideswipe as if a whisper in her ear. And her dreams, as unsettling as they had been before, had become a jumble of experiences and memories that didn't belong to her. She didn't just dream of watching the Autobot killed. She was him. Through him, she touched the lingering face of death almost every time she closed her eyes to sleep.

But she was sure, nothing she felt, nothing she went though regarding the passing of Sideswipe could have compared to what his twin was going through.

When Sideswipe said she would never be alone again, Alexis thought he meant because of his thoughts and memories that had crashed through her skull. With that fading slowly, she knew he meant because of Sunstreaker. Because when he bonded to her, somehow Sunstreaker did as well. But she never chose him. And he certainly didn't want her.

"You aren't in my way," Sunstreaker spoke up, the inflections so minuscule that their softness was more jarring than his loud tone of before. "I will prove that to you," he added with an air of petulance.

He left the room, expecting her to follow.

"They were once used by minibots," the Autobot explained to her, on his kneeplates as he bent to peer through the small open door that only allowed her through. "I think you will find them most adequate for all your needs."

"This is what you have been doing for the last two days?"

There was a modified bed, a wall of empty shelves, and a rounded viewport that took up one side of the wall. The room wasn't large. Her tablet rested on a metal table, her clothes on a handcrafted bed.

Moving past a corner, she found more to the room than she thought. She walked into a newly constructed bathroom that was complete with the most beautiful tub she had ever seen, a full-sized mirror that gave her a too truthful view of herself. Her reflection cringed at herself, startled by the healthy looking flesh and the far too bright eyes.

Alexis walked back out into the other room, stopping by the comfortable looking bed.

What she saw didn't ease her but made her flesh crawl as if something truly horrifying was buried underneath the offered space. She didn't trust the Autobot. Didn't want to know what the room meant, or what he was trying to convey in its offering. "It's beautiful," Alexis spoke the truth, at least when she went by what she saw. She shook her head, mouth tightening into a grim frown. "But I can't stay here, and you know it."

She felt guilty for not preventing Sideswipe's death, responsible somehow for his brother. And it wasn't just because of the terrible things Sunstreaker said and reminded her of, but because there had been nothing she could have done to stop it. She was useless in her new environment away from Earth and Renth, powerless.

Sunstreaker cringed and his mouth took on a scowl. She felt a predictable, stinging jab about to part his lips. Alexis took a reflexive step back. His optics jerked along with her actions, a glimmer of what looked like panic washing along the elegant lines of his face before settling into a more identifiable frown.

It took him several long moments to speak, as he showed signs of carefully choosing his words. His frown deepened, and his words were well chosen, for they stole her breath away. "I am alone, Alexis. I don't want to be all alone," he finally told her, shocking her not just by what he said, but by the exposure of pain and sadness, of a plea that was buried under the already unguarded confession.

Alexis could identify too well with how he felt. And the tie she felt to him due to their circumstances had her considering many things. But it was a more selfish reason that had her wanting to agree. The fact that she really didn't want to go back to the new earth. The rebuilding, the starting over, the beginning of a new future and a new life, it overwhelmed her, no, it terrified her.

"The way you treat me, your verbal abuse… it is inexcusable," she told him, not sure if she liked the way his optics lit with something akin to hope, nor the adulated manner in which he watched her.

"You've already proved that point quite clearly, I assure you," he said tightly, as if he had just been defeated at some sort of battle and he was still unwilling to announce full capitulation. But it was a start.

"And it must be understood that I don't belong to you. And whatever has created this connection to me, you need to figure out how to end it."

Sunstreaker's scowl returned, his optics dimmed and his fingers clenched around the frame of the door. Alexis prepared herself for something terrible.

What if her newly acquired sympathetic nature toward the Autobot was not because they were both grieving, but because of what his brother did to her when he died? She didn't feel any different though, and wanting to be near Sunstreaker was more of a perversion. The desire to be near someone who was as miserable as she. Alexis was decidedly drawn to his pain that he hid so well. And the suffering he was going through held a malignant sort of attraction to it that she couldn't deny. What if she was only helping him to help herself? What if she was only staying because of her inability to face reality as it was supposed to be? What if she was more selfish than he?

He was intolerable, arrogant and manipulative. Yet when she was with him she was so distracted by his confrontational mannerisms that whether anger or frustration came, at least most of the times it wasn't thinking about all the terrible things that had happened, at least it wasn't blindsided grief.

"And we are returning to my brother, Amanda, and Sharaih?" Alexis' words may have been an inquiry, but her inflections held an indisputable order.

Sunstreaker tensed at her tone, his optics washing over her in appreciation. The tension disappeared from his frame just as quickly as it had arrived, leaving something far more unnerving behind. He managed a thin smile. "I will allow then to come on board, if they agree to stay out of my way."

"If I can have my family with me, then I will stay, for now," Alexis found herself relenting.

A flicker of another kind of fear rattled deep inside her chest, a flicker of warning. But if she was actually capable of doing something for Sunstreaker, she would. The least she could do for Sideswipe when she had been so inadequate before. And perhaps the least she could do for herself. Maybe it wasn't about helping herself, maybe it could be about helping each other. Even if there was a possibility, it had to be worth the trying.

"No! No! No!"

She choked on the juice she was drinking, her tablet flying out of her hand and breaking up against the metal wall. The cup followed the way of the tablet, glass shattering.

Alexis couldn't breathe. She couldn't draw in air. Gasping as she panicked, her eyes were blinded by tears. Her body was tugged on and forced to turn around.

Sunstreaker carefully grabbed onto her elbows and shook her firmly.

"Breathe, human."

"I... I.. Can't.." She heaved out, black spots now dancing through the liquid in her eyes. Her chest hurt, she felt weakened and dizzy.

"Hold your breath, Alexis."

"..."

"Hold your breath," he told her again, his fingers tapping distractingly hard against her arms, giving her mind way to clamp onto what he ordered.

Finally, several minutes passing, her breathing evened out. She pushed his digit away and fell onto her knees, ignoring the stray pieces of glass that cut and scraped. Alexis hardly noticed.

"You are right, Sunstreaker." She sniffled and wiped her eyes off, an unworthy battle that was lost as new tears took their place. "I am a curse."

"Tell me what happened," the Autobot demanded, obviously disturbed by her state. But she was quite sure it wasn't empathy that had him wanting to know. She didn't even know if he was capable of doing something, or feeling anything toward someone that didn't somehow lead back to his own gain.

Alexis shook her head. She couldn't handle his way of dealing with things, and the idea of turning what had happened into something to belittle and taunt, made her hate him immensely.

She vaguely heard him shift through glass as he pinched the tablet in his large fingers. His optics drew lines of light down the data pad, reading the message her brother had sent, and the one before it.

"I see."

"No, you don't," she hissed.

"She betrayed you."

"She was my friend!"

"She betrayed my brother."

"Not intentionally."

"She ended things honorably, or cowardly, if you take into account the deserving fate she managed to escape by her actions," he spoke spitefully, his speech fluctuating with ill-concealed emotion.

Her mind filtered though his words, ignoring the threat of his last statement. Alexis' thoughts were on her friend, not on deciphering what he wasn't quite saying. She shivered violently just the same.

"She killed herself!" Alexis screamed at the Autobot, screamed even louder when he turned his placid stare upon her that held levels of an attentiveness that was entirely misplaced.

"Yes, she did," he replied calmly, using a tone of voice that she would have found quite wonderful any time before, but now only angered her beyond belief. "A choice. Her choice. An outcome that you had no involvement in."

"I feel as if..."

He shoved through her words. "You could have done something to prevent it? Seen it coming? Just how much blame must you take on?"

"And what about you? What about Sideswipe? I'm not the only one that..."

"Enough."

"You can't just pretend it never happened and..."

His calm evaporated, and it was the first time that Alexis could recall that she was glad of it.

"How dare you presume how I handle my brother's demise." He snarled and bent over her, causing shadows to crawl, merge and wrap around her body. "I don't pretend. I don't divert. I deal. I handle. I somehow even manage. I don't drag out what happened for as much pity as I can manage. I don't revel in the misery, don't use it as an excuse or to keep others as far away from me as possible."

He straightened up. Light returned to Alexis' small area.

"Now I suggest you tend to your wounds. You are bleeding all over the floor," he said callously, his lack of sympathy a biting cut of his true nature.

Left alone, she crawled to her tablet. The screen was broken. The message she had gotten flickered on the screen.

Alexis,

You think you know me, but you don't. I am a vile human being, consumed by hate and rage.

When The Line approached me on Earth, I eagerly accepted. They were a cause I initially believed in, fought for, killed for.

There were days I wanted to tell you, days I believed you held the same mindset. But there were other days that I despised you. The Decepticons probably killed your parents, nearly killed you and your brother. Most certainly killed your husband. Nearly broke you. And still you held onto your faith. Still you managed to hope.

I have so much regret. So much hate.

I don't write this to justify my actions, but because I want you to know that I never intended for things to go as far as they did. My hatred was meant for the Decepticons. I allowed myself to be manipulated and used and lied to, my hatred turning toward the Autobots as well.

If you don't get where all this is leading than I will sum it up and end it.

I am the one who told The Line about Sideswipe. I am the one that got him killed.

I have nothing. I have no one. My life ended the day my son was taken for me. Don't grieve for me. If your God has any mercy, maybe he will let me see Jeremy one last time before hell claims me.

Find your peace, Alexis. Hold onto it and don't let go.

Goodbye,

Your friend always,

Amanda