Chapter 26
The late afternoon was gone and the pinkish sunset shot flashes of orange lights over the ocean. It created an illusion of sparkling orange water that pulsed with the vibrant color of life. Rin found herself thinking of orange soda, then in a quicker thought, wondered if they had any. It was getting later and soon enough Rin knew it would be dark.
Somehow she'd made it to the beach. She wasn't sure how, since everything had been sort of a blur since she'd fought with Miku again. All she remembered was a limo pulling up and Luka, Miku and her getting in. The windows had been tinted and Rin hadn't been able to stare out of them. The feeling was nostalgic, as if she'd ridden in many limos before.
She was sure Miku had glared at her the whole ride. Several times Rin swore she'd heard Miku make remarks about Rin getting out to walk. Truthfully, it would've been her pleasure. Luka of course, had out right denied Miku. Saying if anyone should get out and walk, it should be her. After that Miku had been silent and Rin had been left alone.
Honestly, Rin just felt like throwing up a little, but there was nothing in her stomach to throw up. Earlier, she'd been able to act like many things hadn't bothered her. But the thought of Miku spending the night with Len made her sick to her stomach and drove a fast ball into her emotions. Several times it crossed Rin's mind to wander off, dig a hole somewhere and throw up. She'd felt nauseous enough and the fact she'd had no food in her stomach didn't help. There was nothing to throw up, just bile.
Though it was tempting, Rin had spent the last few minutes sitting in a chair she'd set up. Ever since she'd gotten out of Luka's car she'd been a distance away from everyone just going over her fight with Miku in detail. Unfortunately, she couldn't seem to focus for very long. Her mother would jump into her thoughts every now and then, leaving her lost and melancholic.
Rin felt that maybe if she could hear her mother's voice and be held in her embrace, she'd forget about earlier in a heartbeat. She'd tried several times to fall asleep with the sun warming her but a fear from the memories she'd regained held her back.
She'd get as far as closing her eyes and focusing on her mother before she couldn't venture deeper. It was like the block in her mind had been reinforced. Even with her greatest effort, Rin didn't even begin to scratch the surface.
So here Rin sat in the sun. She'd wanted to get closer to everyone but keeping her distance might be best for now. She doubted she could handle any more of Miku's glares without feeling the need to break down. She was a part of a crowd and yet, felt so alone.
Maybe this was for the better. Maybe everything Miku had said was right, like when she'd called Rin a monster. Rin stared at her hands distantly as if they weren't her own. Teto had told her she was unstable, maybe even that was correct. Flashes of every destructive outburst Rin had experienced crossed her mind.
Maybe she was indeed dangerous and this was for the better. To be away from everyone. Maybe she was a living, breathing disaster that was more destructive to others than herself. Maybe where she'd escaped from had only been feeding her growing craving for destruction to keep her contained.
Maybe everyone was safer with her out of the way. It was getting more tempting to give into her other self and unleash what power she had tenfold. She was dangerous that she couldn't deny. For the first time, maybe everyone was right. Maybe what had really been going on at the agency had been them protecting the bigger majority of people from her with sacrifices. She was the only real enemy and threat.
She'd tried to be something else, was still determined to be someone else. Yet like the unbeatable force of gravity, her past fought her every step of the way. Maybe she belonged at the agency, and probably even Len, would be better off without her. He'd been on his own before, it couldn't be too hard to do so again.
Even if that did involve forgetting her, which couldn't be too much of a chore either. She'd forgotten everyone she'd ever known after all. Rin imagined she couldn't be all that memorable anyway.
For a second, Rin felt a twinge of jealousy. It must be easy to be normal and fully human. To have all your memories and not a care in the world besides school work and other petty worries.
Unlike herself, Miku, Luka, Len, Kaito, Mikuo, Teto, all of them. None of them had to worry about what Rin had to. They didn't have to worry about thinking and still being the same person afterwards. Weren't plagued by the thought that they'd destroy everything if they gave into their thoughts. Didn't have to inquire how their mother died or who, and what they were.
They could just live. Live in so many ways Rin couldn't
Maybe change was impossible for her and Rin felt defeated. Despite everything, she still wanted to be here. It was a selfish desire and maybe an impossible ideal of hers. Yet...Rin's chest tightened. She felt as heavy as a stone.
This self-conflict of hers needed a solution. Even that, was impossibly far out of her grasp. Rin knew it was unlikely that she'd be accepted. The hope she'd had this morning was gone. Still she was hanging on. Holding on for dear life to a cliff when she knew the rock was breaking and she'd fall, helplessly, flailing down to her death.
"Rin?" It was a boy's voice calling her. She'd seen Kaito and Mikuo earlier with Luka and Miku so it couldn't be them. Looking to her left, Rin saw Len headed in her direction. He was carrying two cans of pop. Subconsciously she noticed both were orange. Len tossed one to her, she caught it. More out of reflex than on purpose.
She played with the cans tab for a while before setting the drink aside.
"Are you okay?" Len asked. Rin almost didn't realize it was him asking her. His voice was so soft, so concerned. Rin looked up to meet Len's eyes puzzled by his actions. He shot her a quick smirk. "Well, obviously not, since you seem a little pale but regardless, are you okay?"
Len met her gaze, but Rin couldn't say anything. So she just stared at him, wishing she could tell him. Wishing she could tell Len everything. But even if it was Len, she couldn't tell him about this. About anything that had happened to her. This problem was between Miku, herself, and partially Luka. Miku already hated her. Rin couldn't imagine how much more Miku would hate her if she told Len about everything.
Then there were her problems not concerning Miku. Problems with memories she'd gotten back and what she'd learned about herself. Rin already felt like so much of a reject. She wouldn't risk telling Len and even that falling apart for her. So she settled for a lie.
"Nothing, I'm just sort of hungry," Rin lied, trying to keep her voice even. It wasn't a complete lie though; in the future she quickly decided not to lie. She wasn't very good at it. Which was surprising considering the skill set she had. Then again, maybe like her other self-had trouble with staying in the background and being kind, Rin had trouble lying.
A minor pain shot through Rin's forehead. With the sudden realization of it, Len had flicked her. He didn't look too happy.
"You know," he started, "when I ask someone what's wrong it means I've bothered to care." Len pointed out. Rin rubbed her forehead, but as she looked at Len. It was hard to tell if he was joking or not. Maybe it was a trait in delinquents that you could never tell if they were. Still, Rin stayed quiet, which earned her a heavy sigh from Len. He took a seat in the sand next to her chair and cracked open his drink.
Rin felt eyes glaring into the back of her head knowing they were probably Miku's. Len just sat next to Rin. Neither of them said anything. The ocean and the distant voices of the group was the only noise between them.
"Rin?" Len finally said. She turned to look at him but he wasn't looking at her. Just staring out over the ocean and its twinkling reflections. "When was it that you decided you couldn't tell me things?" Rin got up suddenly from her chair, it would've fallen over had Len not reached out and steadied it.
If her mind wasn't just making her hear what she wanted to hear, there was a pain, almost disappointment in Len's voice. As if he was very much bothered by her not telling him something. He hadn't put it in a way in which it meant her thoughts weren't her own. Just as if he was hurt by Rin not sharing them with him.
Rin was speechless for a second with her mouth open. No words came at first, but somehow she managed a small few. Almost a whine, "It's not that..."
"Then what is it?" Len asked.
In the sunset his eyes seemed to be a paled blue. A shade that outwardly showed something Rin hadn't seen in Len before. It was an alluring shade. A shade that was...looking right back at her. Rin felt sudden warmth in her cheeks as Len stared at her. He had an eyebrow cocked.
"It's just better if I don't tell you Len. It's a lot better..." Rin mumbled, covering for herself. Then Len was standing in front of her. His grip was firm on the arm rests of her chair, his eyes penetrating deep into hers. Rin felt as if he could see through her into parts even she couldn't and knew she was wrong. The block in her mind let no one through. It barely let her in.
"Better for me, you, or somebody else?" Those words bit into Rin with their truth. She didn't know who she was doing what for. Maybe herself, selfishly, it probably was herself. She couldn't figure out what benefit it would be to herself if she lied to somebody she loved. To protect her secrets from somebody she loved. From Len who already knew more about her than anyone in the group. Apart from Teto possibly.
Len hadn't reacted badly when she'd jumped so effortlessly in their gym class or anything else she'd done. He'd said it was amazing, called her amazing. Len had seen her do things already, but they'd been harmless then. How would he react now? Now when Rin told him and knew she'd hurt other people? Destroyed lives, things, and was destined to do it again to everyone she knew now?
"I guess...it's better for everyone," Rin said, her words were weak and again, not very audible.
"I know this is cheap," Len laughed, "but you owe me as much. I saved your life twice if I may remind you," Len said. He backed up from how he'd been leaning over Rin and settled back into the sand, falling into it. He dusted some sand off his chest.
"It isn't that simple anymore Len,"
"Then explain," he said. "I have a complex mind. Especially lately, I'm a genius I'll be able to handle it."
Rin couldn't help feeling, knowing even that Len wouldn't. It wasn't her place to judge, but she just knew.
"Len," Rin said frustration in her tone. "I'm telling you I can't."
"And I'm asking why," Len said, he sat up. Casting a look Rin couldn't quite read.
"Because-"
"Because isn't a valid answer!" Len shouted. Rin couldn't remember Len ever shouting at her before. Silence lingered between them for a second. She thought maybe, Len would look up to meet her gaze and suddenly apologize; he did neither. "Forget it, I don't care anymore. Do what you want."
Angrily Len was up, walking swiftly in the other direction. Rin could feel the wave of his anger; it threatened to knock her off her feet. To bring everything crashing down more than it already was.
"Len?" Rin called weakly, but he didn't stop for her or cast her a second glance. Didn't waste time to do even that. "Len?"
"Why do I even bother?" Was all Rin heard him sigh and she began running after him. Feeling the pain Len wouldn't allow himself to feel.
She caught up to him but he wouldn't turn to look at her. They'd crossed half the beach to Rin's surprise. She looked back and didn't see the group anywhere in sight. Rin kept walking next to Len but she had trouble keeping up with his pace.
"Len?"
"What Rin! What do you want?" The harshness in Len's tone made her flinch and Rin almost lost her courage to speak with him.
"I'm sorry, it's just-"
"What on earth is so bad that you can't even tell me?" Len interrupted. Rin had forgotten how fast some people could turn as Len faced her again. His voice was rough and soft at the same time. His eyes were blazing and in them was what Rin had seen in them earlier.
Something Len had never once had in his gaze out of all the times she'd looked at him and she could only now place when she was so close; vulnerability. It seemed to be a foreign emotion because even then, Len seemed to be fighting it down.
Rin's mind pondered on what could've happened between yesterday and now that could've made Len this way.
He must have noticed her studying gaze because he ripped his eyes away from hers. Rin noticed on the side how close she really was to Len. She could feel his breath drifting past her neck, making hairs stand on their ends. She could see the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed.
"I don't understand Rin," Len said, his voice very soft. As if to apologize for shouting at her.
"How many times," Len was silent for a long moment. "Do I have to say that you're you before you get it?" Rin felt her throat tighten. "I'm not good at this you know," Len continued. "I'm not supposed to comfort people or want too. So why is it that-" Len's voice trembled, another thing Rin had never seen Len do before. He opened his mouth to say something else and decided not to.
Len's hand reached out to her in a motion that would've trailed lightly through her hair and brushed her cheek. A touch that would've sent shivers through Rin's nerves. He decided not to do that either and jerked his hand back as if he'd been burned by fire.
"Is it that voice again?" he asked. This time his voice was firm, back to its original tone. His hands were curled into fists and when Rin looked into his eyes the vulnerability was gone. She couldn't read into his emotions anymore. His eyes were as hard as glass. "Rin if it-"
"It wasn't really that..." Rin corrected. She let her voice fade, gathering up enough courage to do what she had too.
"Len, do you think I'm annoying? That I'm different?" Rin asked.
"Of course, you're plenty annoying and exceptionally different." Rin's heart sank at Len's reply. "But that's not always a bad thing," Len finished. Rin stared at Len in surprise.
"Then, what about going after things you want? I mean what if someone feels like they don't deserve to have anything good happen to them and that they ruin everything. And yet, they still want to be next to everyone?"
"Rin," Len smiled at her.
A smile that made her insides feel nonexistent. A smile that made her lightheaded and weightless. The sun seemed to hit him in that moment at just the right angle. Reflecting off his golden hair like a soft halo. For once Len didn't look like a delinquent, he was just Len. Just like Rin was still Rin to him.
"Everyone deserves to have something, whatever that may be," Len said.
"Even the worst of the worst?" Rin asked, Len nodded.
"Even the worst of the worst."
"Even someone who's hurt a lot of people?" Rin asked again.
"Even them," Len laughed.
"What about someone who's really wretched? Just the evilest-"
"Rin, everybody." Len stated. "People don't mind to be alone from time to time; however, no one can stand solitude. No one can, and anyone who says so is a liar." Rin bowed her head in disbelief. She thought of all the things that had happened to her and stared at the sand.
"As for going after what you want," Len continued. "I think it's okay."
"Even if you're ignorant to everything around you?" Rin asked. She was staring directly at Len now. So focused, it startled her.
"If you're focused on one thing it's natural that you'd be ignorant to everything else, right?"
Rin couldn't help it. She knew she was smiling, knew she was about to cry as well. She was crying even if she hadn't meant too.
What was it about Len's words that soothed her? He could make her feel on edge and be so hopeless about him and then, she was back again. Next to him and full of hope again. She wished in the future to always be next to him. How many times she'd wished this...Rin didn't know. But it was her only wish and she hoped it would come true.
If she could only have one wish ever granted, it'd be this. And it'd be enough
It was already enough. Enough for her to be beside him and happy like this. If it was foolish to want any more than to be beside him, then Rin was content with this.
"You know Len," Rin smiled through her tears. "Even though you're a delinquent...you aren't necessarily a bad delinquent." A soft hand touched Rin's cheeks, gently wiping her tears away.
"I noticed," Len smiled a sincere smile that tugged at Rin's heart. And she leaned on him, laughing.
"Just like that," Rin heard Len's voice, a whisper. "Just do that for me from now on." But Rin only stared at him in surprise.
"What...?" She asked puzzled and quite frankly, shaken.
"Your laugh," Len chuckled. "I was wondering when I'd get to hear that again."
In that moment Rin couldn't help looking up to meet Len's eyes. She couldn't help needing to know if he was looking at her; and he was. If Rin had still been hopeful like this morning she would've thought she'd seen something in Len's gaze. As if her existence was something essential to him. But she knew she was seeing things and looked away. She looked away and yet didn't know who that would benefit.
This was enough, she repeated to herself. Just having a place next to him, is enough.
"Len...did you, kiss Miku?" Rin asked suddenly, feeling Len twitch beside her. She hadn't meant to look at him, hadn't meant to pierce her gaze into him but it was a subconscious action she'd done unintentionally. And she found Len was staring back at her with a mixture of horror and surprise.
He was more surprised than Rin had ever seen him and a pang of fear hit her as she realized; what if Len lied to her? And what if Len asked her how she knew? She'd already found out she was a horrible liar. It had only been a short time that Len had been staring at her, but it felt like forever. Rin moved away from him, no longer leaning on his shoulder. Len's eyes followed her.
"Rin that's...how did you...?" Len spoke in gasping bits, as if his air had been cut off. He swallowed hard and narrowed his eyebrows, frowning with an emotion Rin couldn't quite place. He opened his mouth several times to say something but thought otherwise and decided not to. Finally, Len cleared his throat
"Um, Rin that's...uh." Rin looked away when she noticed Len's face turning a bright shade of red. She shook her head and smiled sheepishly at him.
"It's fine...," Rin mumbled, the words felt raw in her mouth and made her throat burn. "That's personal right? I didn't really mean to ask in the first place. So no need to answer that, I don't really care anyway." And in that moment Rin must have been the world's best liar because Len turned away with a quick nod.
Rin pulled her legs against her chest and rested her head on her knees. Suddenly the air seemed much harder to breathe and her heart felt such a sudden sting of pain she almost gasped for air. As if she'd been winded. But this is what she'd have to endure if she was to stay next to Len in this place she had now. There would be much more girls who found him just as alluring and attractive, many more...
Rin's heart felt as if it'd implode, as if it would cave in and she felt weak. Though she felt like crying, felt like standing and running in the other direction. Felt like running away and breaking down in endless tears. This pain...she couldn't help but feel she deserved it. For doing so many ungodly things, so much killing. She didn't have the right to be hurt about anything, especially not Len. It could be considered her atonement, her punishment. Her only chance at redemption was this.
So Rin stayed next to Len. And through her pain, she smiled at him.
"If it's what you want, I'm happy for you," Rin said brightly. But her hands were trembling and she sat cross-legged. Tucking her hands far into her lap, as if they were a dangerous weapon. And they were. She did it mostly so Len wouldn't see them, wouldn't take them in his own. Then Rin was standing and walking away. Another subconscious action.
She closed her eyes as she walked away, and kept walking. Back in the direction they'd come from, just back. Before the pain overwhelmed her and she ended up doing something she couldn't take back. Doing something awful. Before she became an annoying person to Len.
Rin could feel her other self-trying to creep into her. Trying to take over. Hearing it from Miku had been heartbreaking, but finding out it really had happened, from Len's expression, had been earth shattering. Before she'd noticed; she was running.
Running as fast as she could without her powers, as fast as she could with the way she felt. As fast as she could to escape being an annoying burden, from being excessively selfish, from wanting more. From wanting Len the way she knew she wanted him.
A pair of hands gripped Rin firmly by her wrist and jerked her backwards. She spun and against her will, she went with them. She tried to pull free of them, but they were firm on her wrists. Wouldn't let her go though she wanted them too. She knew who it would be and yet prayed it wouldn't be. She kept her eyes shut and forced her expression blank. She knew her eyes would give her away.
"Rin? What on earth is wrong? Why are you so suddenly running?" Len's voice, Len's hands.
"I just needed to get back to the beach," Rin lied. "I felt sick..." Not completely a lie, she did feel sick. Sick of herself, sick with, herself.
"Even then couldn't you have waited to listen to what I was going to say?" Len sounded offended, hurt even. Rin hadn't meant to hurt him, him of all people. Len was the last person she wanted to hurt. "Are you going to look at me?" He asked, and Rin complied.
She opened her eyes and stared right at him. Right into those bright blue eyes of his. That penetrating, all knowing gaze that was his alone. He looked so worried, was, worried. So concerned and...Confused. The more Rin read, it seemed the quicker he seemed to look away because Len's gaze was suddenly gone and then back again.
"You left before I could even reply. Miku..., Miku isn't what I want in any way." Almost reluctantly, he seemed to let go of her. Sighing frustratingly and turning away.
Rin only stood there, unable to speak. Unable to breathe. Unable to do anything except stare at Len, dumbfounded with shock. She was more astounded when words managed to find their way out of her mouth.
"What do you mean?" Len rubbed the back of his neck.
"I don't know...else, Look, I just don't know okay..." Len mumbled. "If I knew I would've told you. Everything about you throws me off Rin. I don't even know what I was trying to say."
"Earlier you said it's fine to go after what you want no matter who you are. Len, could it be that you were about to say...I'm what you want?"
Rin hadn't meant to say it, but things had a habit of spilling out of her mouth recently. Today most of all. Somehow, she wished she hadn't said it. Her heart tightened in fear of the answer and the way Len stared at her. Mortifyingly caught off guard.
"What?" Len choked out breathlessly in more of an exhale of breath than an answer. "There's no way I would want you. What kind of-"
"I know," Rin replied blankly. Suddenly, she felt numb and didn't have enough energy to feel pain. The pain she was supposed to feel. "Something like that..., I'm already aware." Rin found herself smiling at Len. Not a sad smile, or a forced one, just a smile. A smile that was hers. "As long as I'm by Len's side and I'm useful...that's enough."
Len couldn't understand. Despite what he'd said, Rin was smiling. Smiling whole heartedly after speaking such sad words of her own. Suddenly there was a rather heavy lump in his throat and his heart tightened and sank.
He hadn't even realized what he'd done or why he'd done it when he had. Suddenly Rin was against him. He had his arms around her tightly, and even then, he pulled her closer.
"If you're not happy...don't smile. Don't be unhappy and smile for my sake!" Len shouted, he pulled Rin closer.
"Len?"
"Don't smile...if you say such unnerving words with such an expression, how am I supposed to respond? Don't...; don't suffer in silence for my sake. One percent...I'd like you next to me about one percent so, don't make that kind of expression."
"Len-"
"Don't get excited or anything! The other ninety-nine percent is that you're sort of annoying and weird okay! So don't be unnecessarily happy about it or anything." Len felt Rin's arms wrap around him, returning the hug. He heard her giggling.
"Hey, I said not to be happy about it. What's so great about one percent? In statistics one percent is nothing you know." He said, and Rin smiled up at him through her laughter.
"Because, it's not zero, right?" Rin smiled happily. "It's not zero." Len turned and began walking back in the direction they'd come from. He smiled contently and kept walking.
"You're weird you know that right?" Len told Rin and she nodded beside him.
"I know, but weird isn't necessarily a bad thing right?" Rin replied, reminding Len of what he'd said only earlier. With that they continued to walk in silence. It wasn't an awkward silence, or silence because they had nothing to talk about, they were simply enjoying each other's company in flawless silence.
When they finally made it back to their specific area of the beach the brilliant light of the sun had disappeared and the moon had risen in the sky bringing with it an abundance of stars. It had been the clearest Rin had ever seen the sky so far on their trip here. Possibly the clearest she'd seen ever in her life. As much of it she could remember anyway.
Before they'd approached the group Rin found Len had taken hold of her wrist. Rin stopped.
"Len? Is something wrong?" Rin asked, but he shook his head.
"I just wanted to say, we're in this together now Rin, don't forget that okay? Whatever this is I'm as much a part of it now as you are."
Those words in a way had also been something Rin had been afraid of. If Len was as much a part of this as she was...then he too could possibly be a target. All because of her, all because of things she'd done and then promptly forced herself into his life. Even if she left...what if they went after Len? His family? His friends? Rin frowned at the thought.
What had she done? Despite the gravity of the situation, Len's mouth twitched up into a smirk. A smirk that even almost made everything okay though it wasn't. It really wasn't.
"I promised a while back to protect you, and I will so," Len let his voice fade for a second. He wasn't exactly the best at this, nor did delinquents usually do this. "Do the same for me, all right?" Rin nodded silently, not trusting herself to speak.
"Geez, we were wondering when you were going to get back." Came Miku's voice. She forced her way through everyone else to Len's side. In seconds he'd been maneuvered away from Rin. However Rin didn't react to Miku's actions. There was an air about her that openly said she wanted to start another fight. A voice in Rin's mind nagged her that if the time came she could take Miku. She knew exactly whose voice it was and disregarded it.
"So what have we decided on doing?" Len asked Miku.
"Well, Teto had a great idea and we wanted to test it out." Already Rin suddenly didn't have a good feeling. However, she couldn't understand why. Len glanced at Teto, waiting for an explanation. Teto glanced away and back suddenly with new confidence. Rin noticed the water on all their bathing suits; they'd been playing in the sea while she and Len had been talking.
"Well, I was thinking we could have our barbecue and then possibly have a little bravery competition. It is night after all. Luka even offered up a prize system," Teto said. She smiled brightly at Rin afterwards. "We've also already picked the couples we saw fit." Again Rin was hit with an intuition that this was a bad idea. Still she forced her thoughts quiet and smiled back at Teto.
"What are the couples?" Len asked without a moment's hesitation.
"You can find out after we eat, or even guess yourself right now if you'd like." Len only shook his head.
"If I'm going to find out later, let's just eat."
Wordlessly, Rin followed behind him and the others off to barbecue. If it was Teto, she meant well. But then...why this weird foreboding?